How do you cope with a long distance relationship?
March 23, 2015 9:04 PM Subscribe
How do you handle long distance relationships, or rather potential long distance and keep your mind off of things without dwelling on it too much?
I don't know if this is really long distance per-say (a month), but it could end up longer.
My boyfriend[23/m] and i[27/f] have only been dating 2 months but we've known each other for several years. He's leaving tomorrow to go visit his mom in Texas, but not only that he's having his credits from bartending school transferred over so he can finish school while he's there. He said at the minimum it would be about a month. He told me he wants to come back but isn't sure, so it's kind of up in the air if he'll stay there or come back after the one month.
The way he was talking he's under the impression he'll make more there then here (Tennessee) which i'm not sure how much bartenders make there vs here with tips and per hour.
Anyway, i've never been in a relationship where you don't see each other awhile, and i don't know how to handle it because every time i talk about it or think about it i start to get upset. If i'm at work or doing things to occupy my mind it's a lot easier. I can't really tell anyone about it it seems because they just tell me "well maybe you'll find someone else" when i don't really want to unless i have a valid reason to stop dating him that isn't because it's long distance.
I don't know if this is really long distance per-say (a month), but it could end up longer.
My boyfriend[23/m] and i[27/f] have only been dating 2 months but we've known each other for several years. He's leaving tomorrow to go visit his mom in Texas, but not only that he's having his credits from bartending school transferred over so he can finish school while he's there. He said at the minimum it would be about a month. He told me he wants to come back but isn't sure, so it's kind of up in the air if he'll stay there or come back after the one month.
The way he was talking he's under the impression he'll make more there then here (Tennessee) which i'm not sure how much bartenders make there vs here with tips and per hour.
Anyway, i've never been in a relationship where you don't see each other awhile, and i don't know how to handle it because every time i talk about it or think about it i start to get upset. If i'm at work or doing things to occupy my mind it's a lot easier. I can't really tell anyone about it it seems because they just tell me "well maybe you'll find someone else" when i don't really want to unless i have a valid reason to stop dating him that isn't because it's long distance.
It sounds like he is giving you a lot of signals that he isn't really planning to come back--transferring credits to finish school in Texas, saying he's not sure about returning to Tennessee, talking about how he thinks he'll earn more in Texas. So if you want to stay in this relationship, maybe consider whether it is worth it to you to follow him to Texas--because it looks like there is an extremely real possibility that this might wind up as your end game if you stay with him. I do not see a lot of indications that his relationship with you is enough to tie him to Tennessee in your post, to be honest. Especially given that this is a two-month relationship and comparatively pretty new.
That said: If you are already getting upset at the thought of talking about or thinking about being in a long distance relationship, it is probably not for you. A one-month period with a defined end is not what I'd worry about--that would suck, but you could probably survive it. But anything longer, which appears to be definitely on the table, and, well... doing long distance requires being really good at communication, really good at trusting your partner, and being okay without much physical contact. It sounds like you are finding the prospect of being in a relationship where in person communication and basic stuff like touch are really difficult to be really terrifying right off the bat, even before it's happened. Long distance relationships are a really sucky strain, and not everyone is cut out for them--and it sounds like you aren't really comfortable with that idea, either.
But okay. Say you are determined to stay the course here. Stuff that helps with long distance: find a way of communicating with each other which is low-stress and easy for you both. Ideally, you want to be talking as much as you possibly can, even just about the stupid dumb stuff, and you both need to be making an effort to engage and communicate with each other. I use text chat with my partners, but I deal really well with text and don't particularly need to hear people's voices. Find something that works for you.
You can still have "date nights" and socialize together online, too. I am deeply fond of Rabb.it, which allows me to share Netflix movies and easily sync stuff I want to watch with my partners. You can even have a running commentary in the sidebar if you like that sort of thing. I also play a lot of online multiplayer board games when I can find them--stuff like Battleship and Cards Against Humanity. Find stuff to do together as much as you can so you have shared stuff to bond over still coming in.
Above all else, to make a LDR work you need to be really invested in verbally communicating with your boyfriend, and he needs to be really invested in communicating with you back. If he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, that is not your fault and you should try to withdraw from the relationship as much as you can. This is not something you can make happen alone, and he needs to be at least as enthusiastic about it as you are. Anything else should be treated as a break-up, in which case you should be nice to yourself and feel sad if you want to and generally give yourself some space to heal up and figure out what else would make you happy.
Good luck, whatever you decide!
posted by sciatrix at 9:42 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
That said: If you are already getting upset at the thought of talking about or thinking about being in a long distance relationship, it is probably not for you. A one-month period with a defined end is not what I'd worry about--that would suck, but you could probably survive it. But anything longer, which appears to be definitely on the table, and, well... doing long distance requires being really good at communication, really good at trusting your partner, and being okay without much physical contact. It sounds like you are finding the prospect of being in a relationship where in person communication and basic stuff like touch are really difficult to be really terrifying right off the bat, even before it's happened. Long distance relationships are a really sucky strain, and not everyone is cut out for them--and it sounds like you aren't really comfortable with that idea, either.
But okay. Say you are determined to stay the course here. Stuff that helps with long distance: find a way of communicating with each other which is low-stress and easy for you both. Ideally, you want to be talking as much as you possibly can, even just about the stupid dumb stuff, and you both need to be making an effort to engage and communicate with each other. I use text chat with my partners, but I deal really well with text and don't particularly need to hear people's voices. Find something that works for you.
You can still have "date nights" and socialize together online, too. I am deeply fond of Rabb.it, which allows me to share Netflix movies and easily sync stuff I want to watch with my partners. You can even have a running commentary in the sidebar if you like that sort of thing. I also play a lot of online multiplayer board games when I can find them--stuff like Battleship and Cards Against Humanity. Find stuff to do together as much as you can so you have shared stuff to bond over still coming in.
Above all else, to make a LDR work you need to be really invested in verbally communicating with your boyfriend, and he needs to be really invested in communicating with you back. If he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, that is not your fault and you should try to withdraw from the relationship as much as you can. This is not something you can make happen alone, and he needs to be at least as enthusiastic about it as you are. Anything else should be treated as a break-up, in which case you should be nice to yourself and feel sad if you want to and generally give yourself some space to heal up and figure out what else would make you happy.
Good luck, whatever you decide!
posted by sciatrix at 9:42 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
If he's up for it, make plans ("dates") to do things together when you both are available, watch movies together/at the same time, skype, eat dinner (over skype), make regular phone calls and know that you can look forward to those times.
On the other end of the spectrum...make plans with your friends and family, involve yourself in a meet up or a hobby that you enjoy, read, work-out, create art, write long letters to your SO and plan complicated gifts or packages (search pinterest for ldr gifts for tons of ideas), do anything that you look forward to and/or will improve yourself for when you are eventually together again. If nothing else, these things give you something to look forward to talking about when you do get to talk with him.
It's not easy, I don't really wish a LDR on anyone, but in my experience if the relationship survives you will find that it makes both you and the relationship much stronger.
Have you talked to him about what he sees for the relationship moving forward? Does he want to date other people or does he expect you to follow him out there eventually? If you are worried, talk to him.
posted by AnneShirley at 9:44 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the other end of the spectrum...make plans with your friends and family, involve yourself in a meet up or a hobby that you enjoy, read, work-out, create art, write long letters to your SO and plan complicated gifts or packages (search pinterest for ldr gifts for tons of ideas), do anything that you look forward to and/or will improve yourself for when you are eventually together again. If nothing else, these things give you something to look forward to talking about when you do get to talk with him.
It's not easy, I don't really wish a LDR on anyone, but in my experience if the relationship survives you will find that it makes both you and the relationship much stronger.
Have you talked to him about what he sees for the relationship moving forward? Does he want to date other people or does he expect you to follow him out there eventually? If you are worried, talk to him.
posted by AnneShirley at 9:44 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
His credits from bar tending school?
He is trying to give you every reason there is to terminate this relationship without making it about you at all. As if the fates have forced his hand and he is powerless to fight back. But he is gone. Wish him well. Tell him to stay in touch. If he does move back and you are single maybe you can get together. In the meantime, enjoy your time together and start looking around.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:52 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
He is trying to give you every reason there is to terminate this relationship without making it about you at all. As if the fates have forced his hand and he is powerless to fight back. But he is gone. Wish him well. Tell him to stay in touch. If he does move back and you are single maybe you can get together. In the meantime, enjoy your time together and start looking around.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:52 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: @AnneShirley: We've talked a little about it. He wants us to stay together, and continue talking, communicating, etc... beyond all that and him saying he'd like to come back no. I may ask him about it once he gets there and gets settled in which won't be until tomorrow night since it's a 17 hour drive.
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:53 PM on March 23, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:53 PM on March 23, 2015
Response by poster: @ munchingzombie: Yes, credits. Hiis dad suggested he just finish while he was in Texas and i did check the website and apparently they are transferable like any other schools would be. You just have to make sure they'll accept them first.
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:58 PM on March 23, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:58 PM on March 23, 2015
My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years. The only thing that has made it bearable is taking it one day at a time. (And, now there is an end in sight.)
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 10:04 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 10:04 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
i did check the website
Clarifying question: why did you check the website?* Did you think he was lying because if so, then I think you need to just forget this guy and move on. But I suspect that you already know he's laying the groundwork to break up. Saying he wants to stay together but he's also that he's not sure if he's coming back and he'll make more money seems like an emotionally dishonest slow fade, really.
I would guess it's probably over and not ask him again.
*Although if you did check the website to determine if he was lying, I wouldn't guess it's over; I would know it's over.
posted by kinetic at 3:04 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Clarifying question: why did you check the website?* Did you think he was lying because if so, then I think you need to just forget this guy and move on. But I suspect that you already know he's laying the groundwork to break up. Saying he wants to stay together but he's also that he's not sure if he's coming back and he'll make more money seems like an emotionally dishonest slow fade, really.
I would guess it's probably over and not ask him again.
*Although if you did check the website to determine if he was lying, I wouldn't guess it's over; I would know it's over.
posted by kinetic at 3:04 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @kinetic: I checked the website because someone else commented and acted like he was lying, not that I thought he was.
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:09 AM on March 24, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:09 AM on March 24, 2015
No one suggested he was "lying." It was suggested he was trying to let you down easy, end things gradually.
You've only been romantically involved for 2 months and you're overly distraught at the idea of him leaving? It sounds like you won't accept it if he did break up with you.
Your emotions seem extreme under the circumstances, and that's not healthy for you. It sounds miserable & upsetting. You don't have to feel this way. Nothing like this needs to control your happiness, you can and should feel more emotionally stable and in control, fine on your own, in these circumstances.
Focus less on this guy, focus on yourself. Work on your own emotional wellbeing and stability such that you feel great in a relationship or not. You're definitely worth your own effort in these areas. You won't regret taking these steps for yourself.
posted by jbenben at 7:27 AM on March 24, 2015
You've only been romantically involved for 2 months and you're overly distraught at the idea of him leaving? It sounds like you won't accept it if he did break up with you.
Your emotions seem extreme under the circumstances, and that's not healthy for you. It sounds miserable & upsetting. You don't have to feel this way. Nothing like this needs to control your happiness, you can and should feel more emotionally stable and in control, fine on your own, in these circumstances.
Focus less on this guy, focus on yourself. Work on your own emotional wellbeing and stability such that you feel great in a relationship or not. You're definitely worth your own effort in these areas. You won't regret taking these steps for yourself.
posted by jbenben at 7:27 AM on March 24, 2015
So, it seems like a lot of the answers so far have been trying to analyze your relationship without actually knowing you or your specific situation, which isn't really helpful, and isn't answering what you asked. So here are my answers, from two years of long-distance that will thankfully be drawing to a close in June. First, this comic: Oh Joy Sex Toy - Long Distance Relationships (NSFW) has a tremendous amount of good advice. Communication is key. You have to talk, a lot. You have to talk about when you will talk. You have to talk about your day-to-day life, about the people you're interacting with, about how you're feeling. It will probably feel like constant oversharing, and it kinda is, but it will help. I actually kept a notebook and wrote down stuff and people my girlfriend mentioned (in part because she was doing rotations and meeting new people constantly) and when I got to visit, I had a sense of who these new friends were and how they fit into her life. This also helps keep a lid on jealousy. I also suggest letter writing, because it's fun and it feels amazing to get a nice letter from someone, even if you talk to them every day.
We are fortunate to live in an era where it is both possible and practical to talk to someone every day, face-to-face, almost no matter where they are on the planet. Take advantage of that. Skype/FaceTime/Google Hangouts are each terrible in various ways, but they're also life-savers, or at least relationship-savers. There are some cool apps like Couple or Avocado that let you have private couples' chats, shared calendars, to-do lists, so on and so forth. They're fun ways of interacting that aren't just texting and phone calls. Gaze is similar to the aforementioned Rabb.it; it lets you do long-distance movie nights. There are tons of other asynchronous things you can do together too - we read books at the same time and talk about them, we've worked on learning (me) and relearning/practicing (her) her parents' native language, we send each other dumb funny links and videos and horrifying things like that Buzzfeed article about the different pizzas that are all crimes against God. We occasionally send each other little presents. We make lists of things to do when the other one visits.
Speaking of visits, this advice is shamelessly stolen from that linked comic, but plan them way in advance and have a countdown towards them. It will make you feel better, it will give you something to look forward to, and it will save money if you plan them far enough in advance. (I'm buying tickets today for trips in April, May, and possibly June) Trips can get pretty costly, so save money and budget well.
Long-distance isn't fun. There have been a lot of times where we've fought, and communication has broken down, and things have looked pretty bad, but we've patched it up each time and I like to think that we've come out of it stronger for having the experience. (Also, none of that stuff is unique to long-distance) You're lucky, in that it seems like the time-frame is pretty short. Also, always remember that you don't have to do long-distance and that you shouldn't do it if it's making you unhappy. Good luck! I hope it goes well for you two.
posted by protocoach at 8:23 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
We are fortunate to live in an era where it is both possible and practical to talk to someone every day, face-to-face, almost no matter where they are on the planet. Take advantage of that. Skype/FaceTime/Google Hangouts are each terrible in various ways, but they're also life-savers, or at least relationship-savers. There are some cool apps like Couple or Avocado that let you have private couples' chats, shared calendars, to-do lists, so on and so forth. They're fun ways of interacting that aren't just texting and phone calls. Gaze is similar to the aforementioned Rabb.it; it lets you do long-distance movie nights. There are tons of other asynchronous things you can do together too - we read books at the same time and talk about them, we've worked on learning (me) and relearning/practicing (her) her parents' native language, we send each other dumb funny links and videos and horrifying things like that Buzzfeed article about the different pizzas that are all crimes against God. We occasionally send each other little presents. We make lists of things to do when the other one visits.
Speaking of visits, this advice is shamelessly stolen from that linked comic, but plan them way in advance and have a countdown towards them. It will make you feel better, it will give you something to look forward to, and it will save money if you plan them far enough in advance. (I'm buying tickets today for trips in April, May, and possibly June) Trips can get pretty costly, so save money and budget well.
Long-distance isn't fun. There have been a lot of times where we've fought, and communication has broken down, and things have looked pretty bad, but we've patched it up each time and I like to think that we've come out of it stronger for having the experience. (Also, none of that stuff is unique to long-distance) You're lucky, in that it seems like the time-frame is pretty short. Also, always remember that you don't have to do long-distance and that you shouldn't do it if it's making you unhappy. Good luck! I hope it goes well for you two.
posted by protocoach at 8:23 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
We don't know you or your relationship, so I'm not going to speculate as to whether you two are really matched or if he's trying to escape or not. I suspect you'll find out this month apart whether your relationship is viable or not.
First thing is first. You gotta decide how important a physical presence is, and how much you'll suffer without it. For example, if your love language is touch or quality time, you may have a hard time of it, and you may need to consider that perhaps long distance isn't for you. You have this month to see how things go, and at the end you'll probably know if you can endure this long term. As protocoach said, you shouldn't do it if it's making you unhappy.
The first time I went long distance it was terrible and I missed him a lot and had a lot of anxiety about it. This was partly because I didn't feel secure in the relationship. We didn't have an end date, or a realistic plan, and it didn't even feel real. I felt like it would end at the back of my mind, and that made me upset a lot. Of course, it ended. And it was really painful. After this I vowed 'never again,' in regards to long distance.
Guess what? I went back on that. Twice.
This time, I feel pretty calm most days. Even though it's almost been a year. Because we have a plan and and end date, and a ticket and an upcoming trip and we know each others intentions and future intentions and we're committed to one another, and we even discuss how frequent our contact is.
This is something you don't have. You don't have a plan as to how to navigate this distance. You look for reassurance about a timeline and timeframe from him, and he's not giving you that. No wonder you get upset when you think about the future. I mean, it has a pretty big question mark on it when you don't even know if it's just a month, or three months, or however long you're going to be apart.
So sort out the nitty gritty. How long is it really? And does he want to live there? And what do you want? And are you going to visit? And when? How often are you going to Skype/call whatever? An hour a week? A day? Is that enough for you? How much contact would you need to feel connected? How else are you going to feel connected? You gotta discuss all these things before he goes.
So the way I cope with long distance is to check in every day. For us, that means we spend a couple of hours on skype together when our time differences align. We make sure to tell each other if we're not going to be there, so there's no one being stood up or such. Also, twice a week on our days off, we watch a movie together-- or play video games together (while video chatting). Watching a movie together in Skype is really really fun, and helps us feel close.
As for the times we're not interacting... I just keep busy. Distraction, distraction. Work, hobbies, websites, video games. New hobbies. Reading helps to occupy the mind so much. Reading is great. I don't really think about the distance. I prefer to think about the future, when I go back, and how great that will be. If I do think about how much I miss him, I redirect my thoughts to how happy I am, and how great I feel where I am now, and how lucky I am to have such a great guy. Redirecting to gratitude helps a lot. About the only time I really feel it is when I go to bed, but even then, I kinda just imagine being there with him, and it works. I feel silly doing it-- and even admitting it-- but hugging my pillow helps.
Unwavering belief in us helps a lot, too. We believe in us, and we know we'll be together, so, that confidence makes everything feel easier. Even if things get hard, we'll be okay. Moreover, it's important we feel secure-- so, we make sure to be within reach at all times, if one of us needs to reach out or can't sleep or something. It helps us feel close.
So that's how we cope. It works for us. Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 1:48 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
First thing is first. You gotta decide how important a physical presence is, and how much you'll suffer without it. For example, if your love language is touch or quality time, you may have a hard time of it, and you may need to consider that perhaps long distance isn't for you. You have this month to see how things go, and at the end you'll probably know if you can endure this long term. As protocoach said, you shouldn't do it if it's making you unhappy.
The first time I went long distance it was terrible and I missed him a lot and had a lot of anxiety about it. This was partly because I didn't feel secure in the relationship. We didn't have an end date, or a realistic plan, and it didn't even feel real. I felt like it would end at the back of my mind, and that made me upset a lot. Of course, it ended. And it was really painful. After this I vowed 'never again,' in regards to long distance.
Guess what? I went back on that. Twice.
This time, I feel pretty calm most days. Even though it's almost been a year. Because we have a plan and and end date, and a ticket and an upcoming trip and we know each others intentions and future intentions and we're committed to one another, and we even discuss how frequent our contact is.
This is something you don't have. You don't have a plan as to how to navigate this distance. You look for reassurance about a timeline and timeframe from him, and he's not giving you that. No wonder you get upset when you think about the future. I mean, it has a pretty big question mark on it when you don't even know if it's just a month, or three months, or however long you're going to be apart.
So sort out the nitty gritty. How long is it really? And does he want to live there? And what do you want? And are you going to visit? And when? How often are you going to Skype/call whatever? An hour a week? A day? Is that enough for you? How much contact would you need to feel connected? How else are you going to feel connected? You gotta discuss all these things before he goes.
So the way I cope with long distance is to check in every day. For us, that means we spend a couple of hours on skype together when our time differences align. We make sure to tell each other if we're not going to be there, so there's no one being stood up or such. Also, twice a week on our days off, we watch a movie together-- or play video games together (while video chatting). Watching a movie together in Skype is really really fun, and helps us feel close.
As for the times we're not interacting... I just keep busy. Distraction, distraction. Work, hobbies, websites, video games. New hobbies. Reading helps to occupy the mind so much. Reading is great. I don't really think about the distance. I prefer to think about the future, when I go back, and how great that will be. If I do think about how much I miss him, I redirect my thoughts to how happy I am, and how great I feel where I am now, and how lucky I am to have such a great guy. Redirecting to gratitude helps a lot. About the only time I really feel it is when I go to bed, but even then, I kinda just imagine being there with him, and it works. I feel silly doing it-- and even admitting it-- but hugging my pillow helps.
Unwavering belief in us helps a lot, too. We believe in us, and we know we'll be together, so, that confidence makes everything feel easier. Even if things get hard, we'll be okay. Moreover, it's important we feel secure-- so, we make sure to be within reach at all times, if one of us needs to reach out or can't sleep or something. It helps us feel close.
So that's how we cope. It works for us. Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 1:48 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
« Older The smarter I get in school, the dumber I get in... | Making a paperback book from a LaTeX file Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Don't be upset if he does a fade on you after moving. Nobody knows the future, but you might think about preparing yourself for what seems to be a reasonably strong possibility.
posted by jbenben at 9:18 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]