People who have been proposed to: Did you want downtime after?
March 17, 2015 2:32 AM Subscribe
After 4 years of happy dating, I'm taking the plunge and asking the lady friend to marry me. We've discussed it in the past, so it's not out of left field, but she doesn't know that I've got a ring in hand.
Now, her birthday is in a few weeks and my plan was this: Scavenger Hunt fun that ends with a proposal and then after we've had our little bliss, the last surprise: Our friends and family gathered for a surprise birthday party/omg -lemme-see-the-ring party.
I told a friend about the plan and she looked at me like I was crazy. She insisted that after her engagement she just wanted private time to chill and bask and that I was going to be putting my beloved in a weird place.
So- If you've been proposed to, does that plan seem out of line? Did you want chill, private time after? Obviously, everyone is different, but I wanted to hear it from the Hivemind. Thoughts/concerns?
Yeah, I would want cuddly private couple time at that point, not a surprise party, but I hate surprise parties in general, so maybe that's just me.
posted by lollusc at 2:54 AM on March 17, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 2:54 AM on March 17, 2015 [11 favorites]
Your proposal reminded me of this video by the Eat Your Kimchi bunch that did something really similar at the end: Her family was waiting for her at the restaurant to surprise her, with her having no idea they were going to be there. It seemed to work for them.
I think it really depends on the person, and you should use your judgment. What kind of person is your girlfriend? If she's close to her family and friends, and is an extrovert, good with crowds, likes parties, probably doesn't mind people seeing her emotional, loves surprises, likes being in the center of attention -- then no, no downtime is needed. In fact, that kind of proposal would probably be perfect. Does she usually have a birthday party every year? If so, I think it'd be fine.
If she's the kind that eschews parties and is more of a homebody, then, I'd give her a much needed respite after the festivities. Your friend who was aghast may be more of an introvert and need time to 'recharge her batteries' after big exciting events. Not everyone is like that, though.
As for me, personally, I'm kinda inbetween introvert/extrovert. I don't like to be the continued center of attention for too long as it makes me uncomfortable, for the same reason I don't want a big huge wedding, but I do want to do something special. We've discussed engagement and I don't want a big surprise proposal, and a big huge event. But I wouldn't mind a get together or small surprise or such, with some small downtime at the end so I can be with my boyfriend.
posted by Dimes at 2:56 AM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think it really depends on the person, and you should use your judgment. What kind of person is your girlfriend? If she's close to her family and friends, and is an extrovert, good with crowds, likes parties, probably doesn't mind people seeing her emotional, loves surprises, likes being in the center of attention -- then no, no downtime is needed. In fact, that kind of proposal would probably be perfect. Does she usually have a birthday party every year? If so, I think it'd be fine.
If she's the kind that eschews parties and is more of a homebody, then, I'd give her a much needed respite after the festivities. Your friend who was aghast may be more of an introvert and need time to 'recharge her batteries' after big exciting events. Not everyone is like that, though.
As for me, personally, I'm kinda inbetween introvert/extrovert. I don't like to be the continued center of attention for too long as it makes me uncomfortable, for the same reason I don't want a big huge wedding, but I do want to do something special. We've discussed engagement and I don't want a big surprise proposal, and a big huge event. But I wouldn't mind a get together or small surprise or such, with some small downtime at the end so I can be with my boyfriend.
posted by Dimes at 2:56 AM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm voting private time. Big emotional channels are going to be opened and having lots of other people around seems...out of place. The two people involved need time to adjust to the new reality. This is not to say that a see-the-ring party would not be out of place a few days later.
posted by telstar at 2:56 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by telstar at 2:56 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
This plan rubs me the wrong way for several reasons. First, the scavenger hunt thing with the proposal and ring as the "prize" casts her in the role of supplicant/child running around chasing your script when it should be about two adults together. Then you compound that by conflating her birthday with your proposal, turning the ring into a present, minimizing her autonomy and ignoring the meaning of her birthday in the process. Last, you extend that conflation to all friends and family, putting her on the spot to act delighted, again following your script and assumptions. (Will they know about the proposal before she does?)
It's all very big man/little girl to me, with the potential to go very, very wrong (especially if she dislikes the ring, let alone turns you down) and no ability or space to talk about it.
posted by carmicha at 3:03 AM on March 17, 2015 [160 favorites]
It's all very big man/little girl to me, with the potential to go very, very wrong (especially if she dislikes the ring, let alone turns you down) and no ability or space to talk about it.
posted by carmicha at 3:03 AM on March 17, 2015 [160 favorites]
This happened to a coworker (minus the birthday part) and while she was thrilled, the scavenger hunt took her all over Philadelphia, (including a round of mini-golf in the summer) and she was a sweaty, bedraggled, weepy wreck at the end. Can you build in time between the hunt and party for her to fix herself up, and maybe take a shower if needed?
posted by kimberussell at 3:14 AM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 3:14 AM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
I don't like public proposals (but it's true everyone is different). You say you've discussed it in the past, why not discreetly discuss it again (if we were going to do this, are you the kind of person who prefers it private...?)? Then if she indicates she likes a big, staged proposal you're good to go.
posted by Segundus at 3:18 AM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 3:18 AM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
I find proposals in front of other people tacky, and this feels a step removed from that. It's first and foremost a thing for the two of you, not for your friends and family, and even if she wants to tell other people immediately she should be able to do so on her own terms. And it does put her on the spot - what if she wants or needs to process things?
Make it a moment for the two of you. Everyone else will still be around to celebrate later.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:23 AM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
Make it a moment for the two of you. Everyone else will still be around to celebrate later.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:23 AM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
So you're going to tell everyone she knows that she's getting engaged before she even knows herself?
I would not have thought much to that, personally. It's pretty presumptuous. You don't really want to start off married life giving the impression that you will just unilaterally make major decisions without her either. You should be working as a team, or at least paying lip service to that idea.
posted by tinkletown at 3:37 AM on March 17, 2015 [35 favorites]
I would not have thought much to that, personally. It's pretty presumptuous. You don't really want to start off married life giving the impression that you will just unilaterally make major decisions without her either. You should be working as a team, or at least paying lip service to that idea.
posted by tinkletown at 3:37 AM on March 17, 2015 [35 favorites]
I think the OP is the best judge of whether his girlfriend will enjoy the scavenger hunt proposal.
I agree with Metroid Baby about the party. It would be awesome if it was just a birthday thing (i.e. scavenger hunt to birthday present, then surprise birthday), but the proposal makes it a different kettle of fish.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:39 AM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
I agree with Metroid Baby about the party. It would be awesome if it was just a birthday thing (i.e. scavenger hunt to birthday present, then surprise birthday), but the proposal makes it a different kettle of fish.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:39 AM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
Does your girlfriend like being the center of attention? Does she like big dramatic productions and gestures? You know your girlfriend better than any of us else do, but I think if you're having to ask strangers if this is a good idea, it's not.
I would personally be horrified by all of this and would feel extremely uncomfortable. But that's me.
I think your intentions with this are good ones, honestly, in that it's cool you want to do all of this for her, but it sort of comes across more about you rather than what it should be about -- starting your life together.
If you want to do a scavenger hunt that ends in a party for her birthday, that could be fun. Separate the proposal out of it, though.
posted by darksong at 3:39 AM on March 17, 2015 [22 favorites]
I would personally be horrified by all of this and would feel extremely uncomfortable. But that's me.
I think your intentions with this are good ones, honestly, in that it's cool you want to do all of this for her, but it sort of comes across more about you rather than what it should be about -- starting your life together.
If you want to do a scavenger hunt that ends in a party for her birthday, that could be fun. Separate the proposal out of it, though.
posted by darksong at 3:39 AM on March 17, 2015 [22 favorites]
Also I assumed the OP was going to announce the engagement at the surprise party, not tell everyone ahead of time (which definitely would be a bad idea for a number of reasons).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:40 AM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:40 AM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
OP, I trust that you know your partner, and I think the intention behind this plan is really lovely. I agree, however, that the surprise party would be a bit much immediately after the proposal.
My now-husband proposed to me in our favourite restaurant. It definitely didn't come out of left field. We'd talked about marriage, and what it meant to us, for a couple of years, but even then I was kind of shocked by how raw and emotional it felt. I think it would have been way too much to deal with other people in the immediate 'aftermath', lovely as that aftermath was.
But here's the twist: what my now-husband didn't know was that I'd organized a surprise party for him two days later, to celebrate his PhD submission. It turned into an impromptu engagement party, and that was super fun and lovely.
So maybe think about separating out these two elements - the surprise party and the proposal. Could you surprise her with a proposal a little bit in advance of her birthday, so you can both share the good news at her birthday party after you've had a bit of time to process?
Also, congratulations!
posted by nerdfish at 3:48 AM on March 17, 2015 [22 favorites]
My now-husband proposed to me in our favourite restaurant. It definitely didn't come out of left field. We'd talked about marriage, and what it meant to us, for a couple of years, but even then I was kind of shocked by how raw and emotional it felt. I think it would have been way too much to deal with other people in the immediate 'aftermath', lovely as that aftermath was.
But here's the twist: what my now-husband didn't know was that I'd organized a surprise party for him two days later, to celebrate his PhD submission. It turned into an impromptu engagement party, and that was super fun and lovely.
So maybe think about separating out these two elements - the surprise party and the proposal. Could you surprise her with a proposal a little bit in advance of her birthday, so you can both share the good news at her birthday party after you've had a bit of time to process?
Also, congratulations!
posted by nerdfish at 3:48 AM on March 17, 2015 [22 favorites]
I think it comes down to whether your girlfriend is an introvert or an extrovert. I'm an introvert, would be very uncomfortable with the scenario you have outlined. An extrovert might love it. Or maybe not, as others have pointed out, there are control issues here too. I would make the proposal private, do the party thing later, with her participating in the planning.
posted by mermayd at 3:49 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 3:49 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Give her a choice afterwards. Go straight to a B&B or meet up with friends at a bar afterwards. Do a phone tree thing.
posted by discopolo at 4:03 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by discopolo at 4:03 AM on March 17, 2015
Yeah, I would have capital-H Hated this. Even though I also knew my then-fiance was planning to propose, it was still a tremendous (albeit happy) shock. And even though I'm also basically an extrovert I still needed time and space to process and I would have been totally upset and overwhelmed to be thrust in front of a bunch of people after the proposal. I could barely even walk.
posted by ladybird at 4:05 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ladybird at 4:05 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
we did this and I thought it was lovely. just family and a few close friends met us for a drink after the proposal. I've also been to a few of these get togethers of friends. surprised how many people are against it, but to each his own!
posted by sabh at 4:31 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sabh at 4:31 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would have capital-L Loved this. Our data is useless; you need to based this on your girlfriend's personality, not ours!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:39 AM on March 17, 2015 [26 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:39 AM on March 17, 2015 [26 favorites]
I would have hated this, but I know people who would have loved this.
You've talked about marriage already, so you should ask her: "There will come a day when I'm going to ask you to marry me. What would make that day a perfect one for you and for us?" And then listen. Chances are, she's already played it out in her head and knows exactly what she wants that day to look like. If she says, Oh, I'd like a quiet little dinner for two and maybe a walk by the river, just the two of us, then you may need to rethink.
I would have loved to have been asked before I was asked!
posted by mochapickle at 4:59 AM on March 17, 2015 [19 favorites]
You've talked about marriage already, so you should ask her: "There will come a day when I'm going to ask you to marry me. What would make that day a perfect one for you and for us?" And then listen. Chances are, she's already played it out in her head and knows exactly what she wants that day to look like. If she says, Oh, I'd like a quiet little dinner for two and maybe a walk by the river, just the two of us, then you may need to rethink.
I would have loved to have been asked before I was asked!
posted by mochapickle at 4:59 AM on March 17, 2015 [19 favorites]
I love the idea. If you think your soon-to-be-fiancee is a private type it may not be the way. I thin kit wounds like a blast.
posted by beccaj at 5:01 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by beccaj at 5:01 AM on March 17, 2015
Go for it, homie! My wonderful and romantic husband of 10 happy years did something similar to what you're planning. I absolutely LOVED it and it went very, very well because he got buy-in and support from the important people in my inner circle, and handled the timing of it the exact right way for us (which I will detail below.) And here's the thing: my husband and I are both Introverts. So it is fully possible for an introvert to massively enjoy a surprise engagement party.
Some of your party guests, on the other hand, may feel uncomfortable or may harshly judge you because your plan is not at all what they are personally used to experiencing, and possibly their own internalized notions of the so-called "correctly-performed" gender roles maybe can't allow them to imagine a heterosexual man (are you, anonymous? correct us if we're all getting it wrong please) actually planning and throwing a big party without needing to first cast him in the role of major control freak or "Daddy" or something. Fuck that noise. I love it when hetero men take on the mental load of the social/relationship work of party planning. Don't change! You know yourselves better than any of us here do.
Here's how my husband (INTJ) pulled it off: the first people he ran the idea by were my mother, father, and best friend (who are the 3 people in the world aside from him who understand me the most but YMMV of course). They all took my personality (INFJ) and needs into account and agreed on the right way to go about it for me personally. Of course they all knew going into it that we were going to get married eventually and that I was 100% on board with being surprised. My husband did not know at the time how long it takes me to get ready for a party, so they clued him in -- and he tweaked the plan to allow me to look my absolute best (i.e. visit to the salon, etc). Basically, I knew there was a party happening on X date and time, but I didn't know it was going to be our engagement party. He proposed on an early morning hike, and it was perfect. We were all by ourselves. Had plenty of time to process all of the big happy emotions without being the center of attention in that moment-- which is not the One True Way for everyone of course, but is what worked for us. The "surprise engagement party" was at a restaurant at 6pm that night. It was awesome. It also worked because it was in my hometown and we were just visiting for the weekend -- so I got to see a bunch of family and friends, and share the good news in-person. It was also the last time I saw one of my elderly family members who passed away before our wedding. Lots of special memories of that weekend that I really cherish. Bottom line: ask the people she trusts most to support you in pulling this off, and definitely request feedback from them. Good luck!
posted by hush at 5:07 AM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
Some of your party guests, on the other hand, may feel uncomfortable or may harshly judge you because your plan is not at all what they are personally used to experiencing, and possibly their own internalized notions of the so-called "correctly-performed" gender roles maybe can't allow them to imagine a heterosexual man (are you, anonymous? correct us if we're all getting it wrong please) actually planning and throwing a big party without needing to first cast him in the role of major control freak or "Daddy" or something. Fuck that noise. I love it when hetero men take on the mental load of the social/relationship work of party planning. Don't change! You know yourselves better than any of us here do.
Here's how my husband (INTJ) pulled it off: the first people he ran the idea by were my mother, father, and best friend (who are the 3 people in the world aside from him who understand me the most but YMMV of course). They all took my personality (INFJ) and needs into account and agreed on the right way to go about it for me personally. Of course they all knew going into it that we were going to get married eventually and that I was 100% on board with being surprised. My husband did not know at the time how long it takes me to get ready for a party, so they clued him in -- and he tweaked the plan to allow me to look my absolute best (i.e. visit to the salon, etc). Basically, I knew there was a party happening on X date and time, but I didn't know it was going to be our engagement party. He proposed on an early morning hike, and it was perfect. We were all by ourselves. Had plenty of time to process all of the big happy emotions without being the center of attention in that moment-- which is not the One True Way for everyone of course, but is what worked for us. The "surprise engagement party" was at a restaurant at 6pm that night. It was awesome. It also worked because it was in my hometown and we were just visiting for the weekend -- so I got to see a bunch of family and friends, and share the good news in-person. It was also the last time I saw one of my elderly family members who passed away before our wedding. Lots of special memories of that weekend that I really cherish. Bottom line: ask the people she trusts most to support you in pulling this off, and definitely request feedback from them. Good luck!
posted by hush at 5:07 AM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
This happened to a friend of mine. It was the only engagement story I ever heard where the person being asked wasn't thrilled about how it went down. She said she felt like her raw emotions were on display without her permission. And she isn't an incredibly private type either. They broke off the engagement ultimately, though not directly related to a public proposal.
My own two cents is you have your wedding day for big public declarations. Make your engagement a private thing between the two of you.
posted by KMoney at 5:09 AM on March 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
My own two cents is you have your wedding day for big public declarations. Make your engagement a private thing between the two of you.
posted by KMoney at 5:09 AM on March 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'd have loved it. I'm apparently an extrovert that also needs to process stuff but I also like to get it all out of the way then collapse.
I think a proposal with a surprise party a bit later that day or that weekend so that you can both tell everybody together is gorgeous. There will be lots of questions and it also covers the folk that you can't/wont invite to your wedding, if you like. Bonus! Just make sure the invitees don't know that it's about your engagement. In a push you could tell her there's a party and to act surprised...but surprise her with the proposal so she knows the party is coming but gets a private surprise anyway. And guests make more effort for surprise parties, by the way. Very excitement!
(Also, I'm totally free that weekend if there's cake on offer. )
posted by taff at 5:28 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think a proposal with a surprise party a bit later that day or that weekend so that you can both tell everybody together is gorgeous. There will be lots of questions and it also covers the folk that you can't/wont invite to your wedding, if you like. Bonus! Just make sure the invitees don't know that it's about your engagement. In a push you could tell her there's a party and to act surprised...but surprise her with the proposal so she knows the party is coming but gets a private surprise anyway. And guests make more effort for surprise parties, by the way. Very excitement!
(Also, I'm totally free that weekend if there's cake on offer. )
posted by taff at 5:28 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I see where you're coming from with this. It's annoying to have to let the news of an engagement trickle out. It would be so convenient and happy to have a gathering to do it all at once. I grok you there.
I think the scavenger hunt is a fine idea, too, as long as it is not too exhausting/hard.
I think I would do the scavenger hunt proposal alone with the two of you a good week or two before her birthday.
I would then plan her birthday party and present completely separately.
I would then let her decide on her own whether or not she wants to use the birthday party as a convenient way to announce the engagement.
I would definitely NOT tell anyone beforehand in case she says no or wants to tell them herself. Don't even tell them you're proposing.
posted by quincunx at 5:31 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think the scavenger hunt is a fine idea, too, as long as it is not too exhausting/hard.
I think I would do the scavenger hunt proposal alone with the two of you a good week or two before her birthday.
I would then plan her birthday party and present completely separately.
I would then let her decide on her own whether or not she wants to use the birthday party as a convenient way to announce the engagement.
I would definitely NOT tell anyone beforehand in case she says no or wants to tell them herself. Don't even tell them you're proposing.
posted by quincunx at 5:31 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, anyone with cash can buy a damn ring in two minutes. Planning a scavenger hunt and a party, that's creative and fun and endearing. I don't concur with the opinion unthread about big man/little girl thing. Unless you're creepy and controlling and gross. And I suspect you're not if you're 1) asking for advice and 2) a mefite.
posted by taff at 5:34 AM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by taff at 5:34 AM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
I've known of a few people who had a scavenger hunt/ big family party proposal and they loved it. In general, the couple already had an understanding that they'd be getting married in the near future, and this was just making it official. The couples were also extroverted and family oriented, so it seemed perfect for them.
I'm in the group that wouldn't love having it happen to me, but I also wouldn't find it tacky to be part of the surprise party for someone else, unless I knew the person would hate it, that is. If that were the case, I'd likely try to bring it up with the asker.
Is your friend also a friend of your girlfriend? It may have been her way of giving you a heads up. If not, maybe do some covert investigation. Mention a viral video that you " just happened to stumble upon" involving a public engagement. Or, like hush said, check out what her closest friends think: if she's someone who'd love to be completely surprised by this, I'd hate to have negative feedback from people who don't know her squash her perfect engagement story.
posted by ghost phoneme at 5:41 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm in the group that wouldn't love having it happen to me, but I also wouldn't find it tacky to be part of the surprise party for someone else, unless I knew the person would hate it, that is. If that were the case, I'd likely try to bring it up with the asker.
Is your friend also a friend of your girlfriend? It may have been her way of giving you a heads up. If not, maybe do some covert investigation. Mention a viral video that you " just happened to stumble upon" involving a public engagement. Or, like hush said, check out what her closest friends think: if she's someone who'd love to be completely surprised by this, I'd hate to have negative feedback from people who don't know her squash her perfect engagement story.
posted by ghost phoneme at 5:41 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Another thing to (possibly) keep in mind. When my spouse proposed we had already talked about it "at some point in the future." I still said "no, not yet." A few months later, I proposed and we got engaged. You really, really do not want to either have a big surprise engagement party with no actual engagement, or to have a fiancé who said yes because (s)he felt pressured into it knowing an engagement party was up next on the schedule.
posted by instamatic at 6:13 AM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by instamatic at 6:13 AM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
If I had sprung either the scavenger hunt or the surprise engagement party on my now-wife, she would have murdered me with her eyes; dropping both on her might have ended things. This is such a different folks / different strokes thing that I don't think you are going to get any kind of useful consensus here, though it may be that some of the answers resonate with your situation and provide perfect insight. It really, really directly comes down to her and what makes her happy.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:21 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 6:21 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I love scavenger hunts.
The rest of this would be a complete nightmare for me.
-I don't like inviting other people into my private relationship decisions/feelings
-I'd want to tell my people myself
-conflating birthday/proposal just seems odd
What if you did the scavenger hunt and surprise party for the birthday only and proposed some other time. Possibly a few days before the party so there's still the opportunity for the big celebration, but she won't be put on the spot.
You could even use that as part of the surprise party fakeout. "Why don't we invite a few people for dinner on your birthday and surprise everyone with the good news!?" boom, walk in and everybody is there.
posted by phunniemee at 6:30 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
The rest of this would be a complete nightmare for me.
-I don't like inviting other people into my private relationship decisions/feelings
-I'd want to tell my people myself
-conflating birthday/proposal just seems odd
What if you did the scavenger hunt and surprise party for the birthday only and proposed some other time. Possibly a few days before the party so there's still the opportunity for the big celebration, but she won't be put on the spot.
You could even use that as part of the surprise party fakeout. "Why don't we invite a few people for dinner on your birthday and surprise everyone with the good news!?" boom, walk in and everybody is there.
posted by phunniemee at 6:30 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
My (now ex-)husband was going to propose to me at my graduation party, but he couldn't wait and did it the night before while we were having dinner at home, alone. I was grateful for that. I don't like to be the center of attention and being put on the spot would have made me extremely uncomfortable. Only you know your girlfriend: does she like being the life of the party? Does she spend a lot of time with her family (or if she can't, does she want to)? Is she especially anxiety-prone about public speaking? The answers should be yes, yes, and no for your plan to work.
posted by desjardins at 6:53 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by desjardins at 6:53 AM on March 17, 2015
Oh, and I agree that the birthday/engagement conflation is weird. I didn't really care for the grad school graduation/engagement combination. Both were significant in very different ways, and deserved separate events.
posted by desjardins at 6:54 AM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 6:54 AM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
My fiancee is introverted and doesn't like being the center of attention, but in our discussions about marriage she told me she'd want a gathering of friends and family to celebrate our engagement. I even asked her for a written list of people to invite.
She was the "last to know" about the proposal's specific timing, but we talked about it enough that I clearly knew what would work for her.
(Then there's our friend who told everyone he was going to propose and decided the timing was wrong at the last minute. That has led to some awkward moments with would-be well wishers. Don't put your girlfriend in that position!)
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 7:16 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
She was the "last to know" about the proposal's specific timing, but we talked about it enough that I clearly knew what would work for her.
(Then there's our friend who told everyone he was going to propose and decided the timing was wrong at the last minute. That has led to some awkward moments with would-be well wishers. Don't put your girlfriend in that position!)
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 7:16 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I really liked having time "just the two of us" after my partner proposed. I wanted to talk to HIM about how he felt when he was doing it, how the planning for it was, and what he wanted to do next.
posted by CMcG at 7:19 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by CMcG at 7:19 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing everyone who says it depends on your girlfriend. I loved having some extra quiet time just with my then-new-fiance (and then, conveniently, that night was our big friends' Seder and we could make a big announcement there). My friend had her boyfriend propose to her at a gathering of all of her local friends and family in a big crowd at a local bar. We both respectively loved our proposals and thought they were just right, but we're very different people.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 7:23 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by Pandora Kouti at 7:23 AM on March 17, 2015
Let her have her birthday. Propose some other day. Each occasion has its own merits. No need to steel thunder.
Maybe propose a day or two before bday so all her friends can gush over ring.
posted by Neekee at 7:23 AM on March 17, 2015
Maybe propose a day or two before bday so all her friends can gush over ring.
posted by Neekee at 7:23 AM on March 17, 2015
What I would do is: plan a non-surprise birthday party, don't tell people there will be an engagement, propose to her about a week before (extra surprise! she won't expect it before her birthday), and then she can decide if she wants to announce at the party or tell her parents beforehand, etc.
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:26 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:26 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Oops, missed the edit window - my friend with the all-her-friends-there proposal, it was disguised as her birthday party as well. (And she still loved it.) So one piece of anecdata for pro. But again, this really comes down to what your girlfriend thinks about: A. public proposals. B. her birthday *also* becoming her engage-a-versary. I would've been okay with A but sad-and-feeling-guilty-about-feeling-sad about B.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 7:40 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by Pandora Kouti at 7:40 AM on March 17, 2015
I don't like the message that is sent by her having to hunt for an engagement ring like it is some sort of prize. There's an absence of intimate and genuine emotion in an event like that. Because that's what an engagement should be, inho - an intimate declaration of love between the two of you, and what you envision your life to be together.
I'm also in the camp of propose a week or two before the birthday. Don't make it like "your birthday present is that you get to marry me!" It should be a completely separate event. But certainly feel free to hold the party or a happy hour or something so people can wish her both a happy birthday, and give the two of your well wishes on your engagement.
posted by vignettist at 7:42 AM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
I'm also in the camp of propose a week or two before the birthday. Don't make it like "your birthday present is that you get to marry me!" It should be a completely separate event. But certainly feel free to hold the party or a happy hour or something so people can wish her both a happy birthday, and give the two of your well wishes on your engagement.
posted by vignettist at 7:42 AM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
Please, please ignore the comments upthread about this encouraging a "big man/little girl" dynamic, or about this being "the wrong way to start off a marriage." We don't know you or your girlfriend, and sometimes people here read too much into things. Not everything has to be a Statement About Gender Relations.
That said, my fiancee would not have liked this, because she is uncomfortable being the center of attention (although she is also pretty extroverted, so...introversion/extroversion really isn't a good guide here). You know your girlfriend best. Does she like scavenger hunts? Does she like big surprises? Is she comfortable being the center of attention? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then you are probably OK.
That said, while I proposed in pretty much the most private way humanly possible (in our apartment), we spent most of the next hour on the phone with various family members and emailing/texting close friends. So, while you may prefer the proposal to be a "private moment," if she is close with her family her first instinct after she says yes is probably going to be to tell them. Ditto for you. So while we were in private, and we did have some time to ourselves after the calls died down (which was nice), there was a lot of communication with family members from afar in the minutes that followed the proposal.
Also, the birthday thing. Lots of people propose on birthdays, so I think it's fine. But, personally, I'd prefer to keep the occasions separate - which could just mean, like, the day before her birthday, but still.
posted by breakin' the law at 7:44 AM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
That said, my fiancee would not have liked this, because she is uncomfortable being the center of attention (although she is also pretty extroverted, so...introversion/extroversion really isn't a good guide here). You know your girlfriend best. Does she like scavenger hunts? Does she like big surprises? Is she comfortable being the center of attention? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then you are probably OK.
That said, while I proposed in pretty much the most private way humanly possible (in our apartment), we spent most of the next hour on the phone with various family members and emailing/texting close friends. So, while you may prefer the proposal to be a "private moment," if she is close with her family her first instinct after she says yes is probably going to be to tell them. Ditto for you. So while we were in private, and we did have some time to ourselves after the calls died down (which was nice), there was a lot of communication with family members from afar in the minutes that followed the proposal.
Also, the birthday thing. Lots of people propose on birthdays, so I think it's fine. But, personally, I'd prefer to keep the occasions separate - which could just mean, like, the day before her birthday, but still.
posted by breakin' the law at 7:44 AM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
It kind of sounds like this whole thing is about you and not her.
I'm not your girlfriend so I don't know what she would like but I would be horrified if someone proposed to be in public or if my friends and family were immediately there.
And as someone above said, everyone knowing she's engaged before she does is not cool to me.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:44 AM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm not your girlfriend so I don't know what she would like but I would be horrified if someone proposed to be in public or if my friends and family were immediately there.
And as someone above said, everyone knowing she's engaged before she does is not cool to me.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:44 AM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
When my partner proposed to me I was thrilled, but then the next day it brought up a lot of anxiety and emotions right afterwards and I needed to spend some time with them. It took a few days before I was ready to tell people.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:00 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:00 AM on March 17, 2015
My husband proposed to me while we were on an unplugged month-long vacation. We're both relatively extroverted, but it was great to have plenty of time to process and talk. On a practical point, we were able to discuss wedding planning without anyone else being involved in the early decisions regarding size, style, budget. Of course as soon as we got home we were excited to share the news and include family and friends in the celebration.
posted by stowaway at 8:12 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by stowaway at 8:12 AM on March 17, 2015
Since you asked, this seems like a balls-out cuckoo-bananas clownsuit-crazy Bad Idea to me, but then you're not proposing to me, so who cares what I think.
The friend who was horrified-- how well does she know your lady?
posted by kapers at 8:12 AM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
The friend who was horrified-- how well does she know your lady?
posted by kapers at 8:12 AM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
Oh my god, if my husband had proposed to me with a surprise party at the end of a scavenger hunt I would seriously have said no and we probably wouldn't be married today. Truly. That sounds like the ninth circle of hell to me, even without the surprise party. Making someone play a game to find her engagement ring? Yeah...no. (I understand that I'm obviously not your girlfriend and maybe you and she have a private joke about scavenger hunts or what have you, but just throwing in my two cents.)
And to be brutally honest, as shesbenevolent suggested, I would find the whole surprise party thing insulting, as though you're doing it as a performance for others to show how great you are. So yeah, I agree 100 percent with your friend; I think, not to put too fine a point on it, that it's a genuinely awful plan. (Caveat: I find public proposals really, really, REALLY distasteful in general.)
posted by holborne at 8:22 AM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
And to be brutally honest, as shesbenevolent suggested, I would find the whole surprise party thing insulting, as though you're doing it as a performance for others to show how great you are. So yeah, I agree 100 percent with your friend; I think, not to put too fine a point on it, that it's a genuinely awful plan. (Caveat: I find public proposals really, really, REALLY distasteful in general.)
posted by holborne at 8:22 AM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
Why is everyone assuming that everyone else would know about the proposal before her? OP said the party would be a surprise, not necessarily that they would tell everyone "LOL it's actually an engagement party" (which is, I agree, a terrible idea, but I read the OP more as saying "I'll tell people to come to a surprise birthday party and then fiancee will show up with a ring and surprise everyone more".
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:26 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:26 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm with the people who say to separate the party and the engagement. Propose a few days earlier, and tell the family/friends that it's JUST a birthday party. Then you'll have time to cuddle with your new fiance and the party will wind up being a surprise for her family! (or, worst case scenario, you'll have time to call off the party!)
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:38 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:38 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, I once had a friend who was shopping for her wedding dress before she had an "official" proposal. The proposal involved stuffed dolphins and a graduate school faculty person and the entire thing was weird to me. In this case, they knew they were getting married. They were picking dates and locations and yet the proposal had to still be this own separate event....
....for me, getting engaged never really officially happened. I wanted a ring. It's silly and ridiculous but I wanted one. And I picked it out, etc. And he gave it to me weeks later when it was ready and sized after a nice dinner he made in my apartment, and I quipped that wasn't he even going to get down on one knee? And he said, "Bite me!" And that was it. And it wasn't a big thing. Marriage just sort of happened through the nature of our relationship. Honestly, the proposal, such as it was, is one of the least important memories I have about what led to my wanting to marry him. I wanted to marry him long before I wanted a ring, and he knew that. And he wanted to marry me, too.
So, this is to just say.....what purpose will the proposal serve you or her? How does it relate to the marriage that you want? For me, everything just melded together. I wouldn't have been upset with a grand gesture, I don't think, but it would have been so out of character for my husband that it'd have been strange. So, I guess --- the proposal should be a reflection of who you are and your actions in carrying it out should proceed from there.
posted by zizzle at 8:54 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
....for me, getting engaged never really officially happened. I wanted a ring. It's silly and ridiculous but I wanted one. And I picked it out, etc. And he gave it to me weeks later when it was ready and sized after a nice dinner he made in my apartment, and I quipped that wasn't he even going to get down on one knee? And he said, "Bite me!" And that was it. And it wasn't a big thing. Marriage just sort of happened through the nature of our relationship. Honestly, the proposal, such as it was, is one of the least important memories I have about what led to my wanting to marry him. I wanted to marry him long before I wanted a ring, and he knew that. And he wanted to marry me, too.
So, this is to just say.....what purpose will the proposal serve you or her? How does it relate to the marriage that you want? For me, everything just melded together. I wouldn't have been upset with a grand gesture, I don't think, but it would have been so out of character for my husband that it'd have been strange. So, I guess --- the proposal should be a reflection of who you are and your actions in carrying it out should proceed from there.
posted by zizzle at 8:54 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm another vote for separating the engagement and the party by at least a few days, for a host of reasons.
I totally get why so many commenters value(d) having quiet, personal time together after the proposal, and you say the party would be after a (short?) time for "our little bliss."
As everyone notes, none of us are you and your girlfriend, but I gotta say, after my hypothetical engagement, I am nearly certain I will want to more than a brief "little bliss" moment -- as soon as possible I am going to want/need some serious, passionate, basically EPIC celebratory sex. Then cuddling and talking and processing and maybe breaking for some food and champagne and then I WILL WANT EVEN MORE delighted/delightful naked time with my partner. One of (if not THE) best days/nights of sex our lives, I'd reckon -- no matter what actually happens physically, I mean, just that intimate, intense, completely-joyful passion that can never be replicated at a later date.
YMMV, but I don't think that's been explicitly (heh) mentioned yet, and I hope it's at least another useful factor to consider.
posted by argonauta at 9:08 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I totally get why so many commenters value(d) having quiet, personal time together after the proposal, and you say the party would be after a (short?) time for "our little bliss."
As everyone notes, none of us are you and your girlfriend, but I gotta say, after my hypothetical engagement, I am nearly certain I will want to more than a brief "little bliss" moment -- as soon as possible I am going to want/need some serious, passionate, basically EPIC celebratory sex. Then cuddling and talking and processing and maybe breaking for some food and champagne and then I WILL WANT EVEN MORE delighted/delightful naked time with my partner. One of (if not THE) best days/nights of sex our lives, I'd reckon -- no matter what actually happens physically, I mean, just that intimate, intense, completely-joyful passion that can never be replicated at a later date.
YMMV, but I don't think that's been explicitly (heh) mentioned yet, and I hope it's at least another useful factor to consider.
posted by argonauta at 9:08 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had a scavenger hunt proposal (it was in my Easter basket) and LOVED it, but we love to play games and do scavenger hunts. You know your spouse-to-be better than we do.
posted by notjustthefish at 9:12 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by notjustthefish at 9:12 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
One of my friends proposed via a scavenger hunt related to important locations from their relationship. She loved it.
I've also been at a surprise birthday/engagement party where the proposal had happened earlier that day. She loved it.
Both marriages are happy, egalitarian, and the women involved are feminists. I don't think either a scavenger hunt or a party are intrinsically problematic--I think that it's sweet and kind to want to make the experience memorable and fun for your future fiancee. Only you can know if those are things she would enjoy doing, though, and please don't feel pressure to make the proposal a Big Thing unless you know that's something she would want.
I personally would probably have found a party overwhelming, but then I told my now-husband that if he ever proposed to me on a Jumbotron, I would dump him right then and there. And yet I see people on Jumbotrons getting happily engaged every time I go to a sporting event. I think the high percentage of introverts on AskMe may be skewing your results here a bit.
I would definitely give some thought about how tired she's likely to be after the scavenger hunt, especially if there's a lot of walking involved. And if you decide to go with the party idea, think about whether you want to have an option for the two of you to duck out early if you get tired or overwhelmed.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:15 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've also been at a surprise birthday/engagement party where the proposal had happened earlier that day. She loved it.
Both marriages are happy, egalitarian, and the women involved are feminists. I don't think either a scavenger hunt or a party are intrinsically problematic--I think that it's sweet and kind to want to make the experience memorable and fun for your future fiancee. Only you can know if those are things she would enjoy doing, though, and please don't feel pressure to make the proposal a Big Thing unless you know that's something she would want.
I personally would probably have found a party overwhelming, but then I told my now-husband that if he ever proposed to me on a Jumbotron, I would dump him right then and there. And yet I see people on Jumbotrons getting happily engaged every time I go to a sporting event. I think the high percentage of introverts on AskMe may be skewing your results here a bit.
I would definitely give some thought about how tired she's likely to be after the scavenger hunt, especially if there's a lot of walking involved. And if you decide to go with the party idea, think about whether you want to have an option for the two of you to duck out early if you get tired or overwhelmed.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:15 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think an engagement a week to a few days beforehand via the scavenger hunt or whatever works for you two as a couple would be great. It just seems like a whole lot, this hunt plus a big party, going on to cram into one day, and it may seem rushed or hurried, and I'm not sure that's the mood you seem to be aiming for.
And, hey, then you can have the birthday party (surprise or otherwise), to look forward to, and she can decide if she wants to tell everybody then or not! Lots to look forward to--it spreads out the fun, if she's into that kind of thing.
Also, I agree with those upthread--asking her a week before her actual birthday is bound to really surprise her.
posted by PearlRose at 9:31 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
And, hey, then you can have the birthday party (surprise or otherwise), to look forward to, and she can decide if she wants to tell everybody then or not! Lots to look forward to--it spreads out the fun, if she's into that kind of thing.
Also, I agree with those upthread--asking her a week before her actual birthday is bound to really surprise her.
posted by PearlRose at 9:31 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the scavenger hunt is cool, if she likes that sort of thing (I really like scavenger hunts myself and would pretty much be thrilled if anyone set one up for me for any reason), but I wouldn't link it to her birthday. That's co-opting her birthday celebration and making that whole day about your relationship instead of her birthday, which doesn't send a very good message IMO about how much you value her as a person. I think it would be way more cool to do the scavenger hunt thing a week before her birthday and then also give her a nice birthday surprise (if she likes surprises, which I am assuming/hoping she does since you planned all of these surprises in the first place).
posted by BlueJae at 10:08 AM on March 17, 2015
posted by BlueJae at 10:08 AM on March 17, 2015
That sounds like a very sweet, fun, and romantic way to propose. You are going to spend the rest of your life with this woman. You have dated her for 4 years. You know what she likes and she knows how you are with things. All women are different. You planned this for the woman that you love. You know her well enough that (hopefully) her wants and preferences played a part in your planning. It sounds like a really sweet proposal. The only mistake that you made was asking a female friend advice about your relationship. There should be no room for an outside woman's opinion in how you show your girlfriend love. In the future, if you need a woman's opinion, ask her mom, her sisters, or her best friend. All women are different but, one thing that is pretty common among us is that we don't want outside women in our relationships.
posted by myselfasme at 10:35 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 10:35 AM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Agree with everyone saying that it depends on the person. I think the idea is lovely - I love the concept of a scavenger hunt (if you're into that kind of thing).
My husband proposed to me privately at a beautiful park. There were people around, but not really paying attention to us. He arranged for a photographer since I am also a photographer - he knew I would love photos of the proposal - I didn't even notice the photographer until he pointed her out to me. The photographer was a friend of ours, which made it nice and non-stressful.
Afterwards we were meeting up with friends for a bar crawl, so we got the opportunity to share our happy news with some people. I loved having the ability to tell some people!
We left the bar crawl early and went to my parent's house, where our parents had gathered our families (aunts, cousins, etc) for an engagement party. It was all arranged with very strict instructions to everyone to not speak about it to anyone else, which helped with not spoiling the surprise.
What I think worked well (for us): time to be just the two of us immediately after it happened. The ability to share the news with friends. The fact that we could get together with family and have them share our excitement. It was a whirlwind of a day, but perfect for us.
posted by kellygrape at 11:00 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
My husband proposed to me privately at a beautiful park. There were people around, but not really paying attention to us. He arranged for a photographer since I am also a photographer - he knew I would love photos of the proposal - I didn't even notice the photographer until he pointed her out to me. The photographer was a friend of ours, which made it nice and non-stressful.
Afterwards we were meeting up with friends for a bar crawl, so we got the opportunity to share our happy news with some people. I loved having the ability to tell some people!
We left the bar crawl early and went to my parent's house, where our parents had gathered our families (aunts, cousins, etc) for an engagement party. It was all arranged with very strict instructions to everyone to not speak about it to anyone else, which helped with not spoiling the surprise.
What I think worked well (for us): time to be just the two of us immediately after it happened. The ability to share the news with friends. The fact that we could get together with family and have them share our excitement. It was a whirlwind of a day, but perfect for us.
posted by kellygrape at 11:00 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a super extrovert who loves parties and would've HATED this. A scavenger hunt that forces me to "earn" my ring, highlighting how unequal the decision is? A party further underscoring the same? Hell, no. Even if your girl loves parties and people and attention, don't assume she wants this.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 11:19 AM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 11:19 AM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
You say you've "discussed it in the past", but I'm not sure how explicit that means. If you've gotten more of a "oh, maybe we'll get married someday" than a clear "yes we definitely both plan to be married to each other" in your conversations so far, then you should make sure she has an out, just in case -- in the unlikely event that she wants to say no (or the somewhat more likely event that she wants to say "maybe"/"let's wait"), she should not feel like she "has to" say yes right away (because everyone else already knows/is right there watching/whatever).
That said -- once my dude and I had had the explicit "yes we plan to get married to each other at some point" pre-engagement conversation, I would have been thrilled with a surprise proposal in front of friends/family. Which is not his style at all, so we had something lovely and private instead. I also would have been totally into a scavenger hunt :)
My sister-in-law recently got engaged, and she and her dude had had the pre-engagement conversation. He asked her ahead of time if she thought a public proposal would be fun for her -- she said no, so he did it in private, but at a time she wasn't expecting. So you can ask how she feels about that "in general" without spoiling the surprise of when/how.
posted by anotherthink at 11:20 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
That said -- once my dude and I had had the explicit "yes we plan to get married to each other at some point" pre-engagement conversation, I would have been thrilled with a surprise proposal in front of friends/family. Which is not his style at all, so we had something lovely and private instead. I also would have been totally into a scavenger hunt :)
My sister-in-law recently got engaged, and she and her dude had had the pre-engagement conversation. He asked her ahead of time if she thought a public proposal would be fun for her -- she said no, so he did it in private, but at a time she wasn't expecting. So you can ask how she feels about that "in general" without spoiling the surprise of when/how.
posted by anotherthink at 11:20 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
You know your fiance better than we do, but if it were me, I would definitely find the surprise engagement and treasure hunt exhausting. A party right afterward would do me in (especially if the engagement was already a surprise). Not everyone is energized by parties, surprises, and intense socializing.
I am going to agree with some of the others who expressed concern over a public/surprise proposal. It might be best to find out in a low-key manner if she'd be OK with that before you proceed. I would *hate* a public proposal, not only because of the pressure, but also because marriage is a HUGE life decision. A decision like that should really be made in private, with BOTH parties getting the benefit of weighing the decision. In a surprise proposal, one partner (that would be you in this case), gets to decide in private (and with no time pressure) whether or not to ask the question. The other partner (your lady friend in this case), would be forced to make her decision right away, in front of all her friends and family. That's not fair, in my opinion.
What if you still did the treasure hunt, but with a twist: instead of surprising HER at the end of the hunt, you could pop the question beforehand, and if all goes well, the two of you can take your family and friends on the hunt and surprise THEM with the announcement at the end.
posted by starpoint at 11:50 AM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
I am going to agree with some of the others who expressed concern over a public/surprise proposal. It might be best to find out in a low-key manner if she'd be OK with that before you proceed. I would *hate* a public proposal, not only because of the pressure, but also because marriage is a HUGE life decision. A decision like that should really be made in private, with BOTH parties getting the benefit of weighing the decision. In a surprise proposal, one partner (that would be you in this case), gets to decide in private (and with no time pressure) whether or not to ask the question. The other partner (your lady friend in this case), would be forced to make her decision right away, in front of all her friends and family. That's not fair, in my opinion.
What if you still did the treasure hunt, but with a twist: instead of surprising HER at the end of the hunt, you could pop the question beforehand, and if all goes well, the two of you can take your family and friends on the hunt and surprise THEM with the announcement at the end.
posted by starpoint at 11:50 AM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm an introvert who loves being with her friends, but I would not have wanted to go straight from proposal to a party for reasons that have already been discussed - the thought of everyone else knowing before me would have really weirded me out, plus I'd want some time just with my partner to process and bask and soak it all in.
The afternoon my now-wife and I had together after she'd proposed to me was so magical - even though we'd talked about getting married before and both knew it was what we wanted, the actual moment of the proposal was actually a Big Deal, and all I really wanted to do afterwards was be somewhere peaceful and secluded with her while I kept admiring my engagement ring and buzzed happily over the whole thing. If I'd had to go straight to talking to people - even people I loved dearly - I would have felt robbed of that happy 'floaty time.' So while I agree with the folks saying that really you need to decide based on what your partner is like, for the record I cast my vote for "no party."
FWIW, though, I'm all for the scavenger hunt idea - my now-wife hid bug-themed (I flipping love bugs) plastic Easter eggs throughout the cabin we were at that weekend, each with a loving little surprise in them, and of course the last egg had my engagement ring in it. It was so perfectly me, I can't even begin to tell you. If you and your girlfriend have a playful relationship and enjoy things like scavenger hunts anyway, I think this would be fun!
No matter how you end up doing it, best wishes for a joyful proposal and a wonderful marriage!
posted by DingoMutt at 11:51 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
The afternoon my now-wife and I had together after she'd proposed to me was so magical - even though we'd talked about getting married before and both knew it was what we wanted, the actual moment of the proposal was actually a Big Deal, and all I really wanted to do afterwards was be somewhere peaceful and secluded with her while I kept admiring my engagement ring and buzzed happily over the whole thing. If I'd had to go straight to talking to people - even people I loved dearly - I would have felt robbed of that happy 'floaty time.' So while I agree with the folks saying that really you need to decide based on what your partner is like, for the record I cast my vote for "no party."
FWIW, though, I'm all for the scavenger hunt idea - my now-wife hid bug-themed (I flipping love bugs) plastic Easter eggs throughout the cabin we were at that weekend, each with a loving little surprise in them, and of course the last egg had my engagement ring in it. It was so perfectly me, I can't even begin to tell you. If you and your girlfriend have a playful relationship and enjoy things like scavenger hunts anyway, I think this would be fun!
No matter how you end up doing it, best wishes for a joyful proposal and a wonderful marriage!
posted by DingoMutt at 11:51 AM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
You say you've discussed marriage in the past, but how concrete were those discussions? Was it more of a "if we ever get married someday..." sort of thing, or was it more definitive? If it was the former, that's yet another reason I'd shy away from planning something public with a party right after -- that's a LOT of pressure to put on someone! And it's not just pressure to say yes, it's pressure to celebrate immediately, in a very specific way. And especially if she's not expecting it (which she may not be, since it'll be her birthday too), that could really blindside her.
My husband proposed to me privately during a vacation, and it was wonderful and special. I knew it was coming but it was still extremely emotional, and I cried a LOT. So even though I was ecstatically happy, I was drained, and a huge party would have totally frazzled me. And I normally love parties!
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 11:55 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
My husband proposed to me privately during a vacation, and it was wonderful and special. I knew it was coming but it was still extremely emotional, and I cried a LOT. So even though I was ecstatically happy, I was drained, and a huge party would have totally frazzled me. And I normally love parties!
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 11:55 AM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Agreed with all of the above that this is really, really dependent on the person.
Among other things, I would think about whether you are 100% certain that she is going to say yes and won't want some time to talk things through or discuss the engagement before announcing it to others. This depends a lot on how much you guys have talked about this before now -- when I got engaged, the proposal itself was sort of a surprise, but we had previously been ring shopping, talked about getting married, etc. so there was plenty of time for us to discuss that possibility as a couple. Try not to automatically assume that just because she's the woman, she'll automatically be over the moon to marry you with no need for time to think or discuss, unless you have already taken that step prior to now. I feel like the whole proposal thing, especially if public and tied to a 'game' like this makes engagement/marriage seem like a prize that a woman must win rather than a HUGE life decision that both people should enter into with full information and time to process. On the other hand, I'm sure there are people who would LOVE this set-up, so as always, you know her better than people on MeFi. The fact that her friend is pretty sure she would NOT like this, though, should probably give you pause.
Another thing to consider is who will be at the party. It was really important to me that our parents knew about our engagement before we started telling any friends or other family. Her mileage might vary on who those "most important" people are, but if you're not certain of a) who they are and b) that they can definitely be at the party, this might be an idea to skip.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:20 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Among other things, I would think about whether you are 100% certain that she is going to say yes and won't want some time to talk things through or discuss the engagement before announcing it to others. This depends a lot on how much you guys have talked about this before now -- when I got engaged, the proposal itself was sort of a surprise, but we had previously been ring shopping, talked about getting married, etc. so there was plenty of time for us to discuss that possibility as a couple. Try not to automatically assume that just because she's the woman, she'll automatically be over the moon to marry you with no need for time to think or discuss, unless you have already taken that step prior to now. I feel like the whole proposal thing, especially if public and tied to a 'game' like this makes engagement/marriage seem like a prize that a woman must win rather than a HUGE life decision that both people should enter into with full information and time to process. On the other hand, I'm sure there are people who would LOVE this set-up, so as always, you know her better than people on MeFi. The fact that her friend is pretty sure she would NOT like this, though, should probably give you pause.
Another thing to consider is who will be at the party. It was really important to me that our parents knew about our engagement before we started telling any friends or other family. Her mileage might vary on who those "most important" people are, but if you're not certain of a) who they are and b) that they can definitely be at the party, this might be an idea to skip.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:20 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sorry, no time to read all the other posts.
Bad idea. After a bombshell like that, a party? Also, the lady might need some quiet time to consider your proposal.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:48 PM on March 17, 2015
Bad idea. After a bombshell like that, a party? Also, the lady might need some quiet time to consider your proposal.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:48 PM on March 17, 2015
I think you're thoughtful for trying to plan something that's going to be special to her and considering what will make her feel good. As is obvious from this thread, everyone feels differently about this. My personal preference would be the privately and intimately tell her how much you love her route, but people are all over the map with these things. I find the videos involving a cappella groups and synchronized things kind of painful, but for some women it's the height of romanticism. Also note that Hivemind is probably much more heavily tilted in the "public proposals are tacky and misogynist" direction than the general population. The angles about implicit gender assumptions of scavenger hunt are worth considering, but ultimately you know her (and her politics) best.
posted by mermily at 1:56 PM on March 17, 2015
posted by mermily at 1:56 PM on March 17, 2015
NO EVERYTHING MUST BE INTENSE AT ALL TIMES FOLLOWING THE ENGAGEMENT.
All caps aside, have a party and have fun. I don't go in for religion, but one nice insight is that marriage is a recognition of the relationship by the community. So I'd mix it up with friends and family afterwards (and did). You have the rest of your lives for downtime.
posted by jpe at 5:13 PM on March 17, 2015
All caps aside, have a party and have fun. I don't go in for religion, but one nice insight is that marriage is a recognition of the relationship by the community. So I'd mix it up with friends and family afterwards (and did). You have the rest of your lives for downtime.
posted by jpe at 5:13 PM on March 17, 2015
This isn't an introvert/extrovert thing, this is just a people thing - and some people are super public, and some people are super private, and some folks are in between. My wife is extroverted (to the point that we've had to have a couple of talks about 'hey, when I say I love you but I need to sit here and just read a book for awhile, and you need to go out and have dinner with your girlfriend, no really, I mean it, I love you, I'll see you in a couple hours and be much more chipper'; she just didn't understand the need to recharge like that. But I've adjusted, she's adjusted, it's all good), and I'm on the phone with her and said 'So, if I'd planned a surprise party right after we got engaged...' and she said 'Oh, hell no.'
Getting engaged, for some folks, is super emotional (we had talked about things beforehand, she knew I was going to ask because I wasn't about to ask without knowing the answer, we knew why we were dressed up and in the car headed for campus, and she still almost hyperventilated before we got to the asking!) I did the asking, I had her ask, we beamed at each other, we went to dinner and held hands and beamed at each other, and then came home and cuddled and screwed around and beamed at each other. It was perfect, for us.
In the future, if you need a woman's opinion, ask her mom, her sisters, or her best friend. All women are different but, one thing that is pretty common among us is that we don't want outside women in our relationships.
I can’t disagree with this more, sorry. If my wife wants to know what we should get mom for Christmas, sure, ask my sister. But there’s plenty of things I’d rather her ask her best friend or classmates or Army buddies about… it just all depends on what’s up.
Oh, and good luck to you!
posted by joycehealy at 5:13 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Getting engaged, for some folks, is super emotional (we had talked about things beforehand, she knew I was going to ask because I wasn't about to ask without knowing the answer, we knew why we were dressed up and in the car headed for campus, and she still almost hyperventilated before we got to the asking!) I did the asking, I had her ask, we beamed at each other, we went to dinner and held hands and beamed at each other, and then came home and cuddled and screwed around and beamed at each other. It was perfect, for us.
In the future, if you need a woman's opinion, ask her mom, her sisters, or her best friend. All women are different but, one thing that is pretty common among us is that we don't want outside women in our relationships.
I can’t disagree with this more, sorry. If my wife wants to know what we should get mom for Christmas, sure, ask my sister. But there’s plenty of things I’d rather her ask her best friend or classmates or Army buddies about… it just all depends on what’s up.
Oh, and good luck to you!
posted by joycehealy at 5:13 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm just going to throw out something important to think about from my own experience. I only got married last June, got engaged the September before that (2013). My SO proposed to me in front of my entire family, while we were all on vacation together.
It all was great. I have no problems with that choice. But here's what you might not be thinking about. The two of you agreeing to be married is one kind of event - private, between the two of you. The moment you share it with family and friends is another kind of event - public, between families. Almost before we had concluded our moment of "Will you?/yes!" my family was asking about setting a date, what size wedding, what kind of wedding, where, who was going to be invited - I'm not even joking. Part of me was like "I don't have these answers yet. I just now got engaged, remember?" There was also a lot of heavy-duty "welcome to the family" for him and rather emotionally intense moments for all of us - so this isn't just about her, but about whether you also are up for having these serious interactions that same evening.
So just know, people are going to pepper you and her with questions and needs and ideas about wedding plans and "when you knew" and children and things neither of you have probably ever deeply and pragmatically considered for two seconds in your entire lives. It's a little bit draining and I think you should take into account not just how she would feel, but how you will feel, if you have to turn right around from this fun idea that you know about and she doesn't and pivot right into giving the 411 on your plans and entire relationship history to everyone you've gathered. It's just a more emotionally intense moment than you might be figuring on. It involves a lot of other people at a serious level. So this intense emotional demand on both of you - not romantic notions of canoodling romantically for a few days - is what you might want to consider. Allowing some private downtime lets you both process and get ready to share the public side of your commitment.
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
It all was great. I have no problems with that choice. But here's what you might not be thinking about. The two of you agreeing to be married is one kind of event - private, between the two of you. The moment you share it with family and friends is another kind of event - public, between families. Almost before we had concluded our moment of "Will you?/yes!" my family was asking about setting a date, what size wedding, what kind of wedding, where, who was going to be invited - I'm not even joking. Part of me was like "I don't have these answers yet. I just now got engaged, remember?" There was also a lot of heavy-duty "welcome to the family" for him and rather emotionally intense moments for all of us - so this isn't just about her, but about whether you also are up for having these serious interactions that same evening.
So just know, people are going to pepper you and her with questions and needs and ideas about wedding plans and "when you knew" and children and things neither of you have probably ever deeply and pragmatically considered for two seconds in your entire lives. It's a little bit draining and I think you should take into account not just how she would feel, but how you will feel, if you have to turn right around from this fun idea that you know about and she doesn't and pivot right into giving the 411 on your plans and entire relationship history to everyone you've gathered. It's just a more emotionally intense moment than you might be figuring on. It involves a lot of other people at a serious level. So this intense emotional demand on both of you - not romantic notions of canoodling romantically for a few days - is what you might want to consider. Allowing some private downtime lets you both process and get ready to share the public side of your commitment.
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
What if you propose to her on the evening before her birthday and then, presumably, she can have a wonderful birthday celebration the next day/eve where you can announce the happy news together to your family & friends?
posted by Under the Sea at 10:44 PM on March 17, 2015
posted by Under the Sea at 10:44 PM on March 17, 2015
Your plan is romantic, however I would be wary of it being that you don't know what her reaction will be. She may be thrilled to share the experience with everyone right away, or she may just want to have her quiet time with you to bliss out immediately after the proposal. Like others have mentioned she may want to tell certain people first and slowly break the news to the extended/friends. Myself, I'm big on privacy and intimacy and like to preserve both whenever possible, so your plan would be sort of horrifying for me lol. If she's the type to share everything with her close family and good friends, and loves to socialize/be the life of the party, then this sounds like a great plan. However, if she's a bit shyly natured or values privacy when it involves important information like this then I would stick to something far more intimate/quiet and celebrate later.
posted by Avosunspin at 2:11 AM on March 18, 2015
posted by Avosunspin at 2:11 AM on March 18, 2015
My fiancée proposed to me on a Saturday night while we were away for the weekend. On Sunday we went running and hiking and ate lobster and told NO ONE until Monday. It was glorious. Enjoy that time before everyone goes crazy and the Internet breaks and then suddenly you are being hit with a tidal wave of opinions that you didn't ask for in the first place. People are generally curious and love good news and go full throttle (which is awesome)! But dont lose sight that's the two of you in this first and foremost which can easily happen when people find out. Yay!
posted by floweredfish at 10:47 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by floweredfish at 10:47 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
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