Criticize me, please!
March 16, 2015 11:02 AM   Subscribe

How can I develop relationships in a manner where people feel comfortable enough to give me honest feedback? I am socially deficient in many ways, but right now I would like to focus on how I can improve this particular aspect of relationship development.

I'm starting a new venture and honest feedback about the project and about my person is necessary for its success. In the past, people have described me as aloof, skittish and somewhat socially awkward, so that's where I'm coming from. I think there are two things I would need to show people in order to receive more criticism:

1) That I am the sort of person to not take criticism personally and that I would welcome honest feedback. I tend to come across as more of a "sweet/nice/genuine" person but I also really am the least drama-prone person ever and I really like honesty, even if it's not couched particularly tactfully. I'm not particularly tactful myself, so I tend to shy away from critiquing others because I've found other people can get hurt.
2) That I value our relationship and/or the person enough to value their objective or subjective opinion. I'm not good at showing people how I appreciate them. Perhaps improving that would be a good place to start?

Also, failing in-person critical assessments, what online resources are there? For instance, places that could critique my appearance or the way I present myself, or business ideas that I have?
posted by FiveSecondRule to Society & Culture (8 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Well, if your friends are your friends and you want this kind of critique, I'd say be frank with them. Tell them that this is how you perceive yourself, and you need some feedback on changing your manner.

However, from this...
I'm starting a new venture and honest feedback about the project and about my person is necessary for its success.
... it sounds like you're actually looking for honest feedback on your idea. So you could try pitching to your friends (with similar explanations that you want frank & honest feedback) or maybe search meetup.com or for other local area discussion groups for entrepeneurs - basically, gatherings of people who can give you that kind of commentary.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:10 AM on March 16, 2015


Response by poster: Let's assume that existing friends are limited in number and excessive in distance and I'd like to focus on how to move towards this sort of relationship when meeting new people.
posted by FiveSecondRule at 11:48 AM on March 16, 2015


Best answer: I think what you really want here is a coaching relationship (that you pay for) or a mentoring situation (if someone wants to do that for you or you can find a program that facilitates), or maybe some sort of networking/incubating organization for businesspeople.

It has very little to do with what you "show" someone, rather it's about having relationships with people in a context where critique is expected to be given and received. Yes, you should be gracious about both giving and receiving in that environment, but this:

I'm not good at showing people how I appreciate them. Perhaps improving that would be a good place to start?

comes off as sort of creepy. Do not manipulate people to make them give you things you want.

Some relationships - most friendships, for example, or marriages - are not really built for the harsh light of day as a matter of course. When you say I tend to shy away from critiquing others because I've found other people can get hurt, it sounds like maybe you don't understand that boundary, so maybe to simplify the situation: people don't just go around critiquing each other. You're not being left out of a common exchange between acquaintances.

You should never critique someone unless
a) you are invited to do so by someone who has considered the consequences of hearing difficult information from you
b) the relationship is explicitly formed with the expectation of critique/assessment/correction, such as teacher-student or management-subordinate, or organized peer review such as students in a class or editorial boards or actual peer review
c) it is more important that you deliver the information than it is to continue the relationship

Asking someone to provide a critique is asking for a fairly serious favor. Just the asking is placing a burden on the other person - and even if it's not an emotional burden, it still might be a professional one, like asking someone to give you free work.

So, if this is in the context of meeting new people, I'd say look to meet those people in a local business networking space, or in training, or doing an activity closely aligned with this project, and then approach them about the possibility of exchanging feedback or engaging in a mentoring relationship. You have to get their consent, though, and you have to understand that other people have comfort levels that may not include this kind of engagement. You are asking for a certain amount of intimacy and effort that nobody owes you.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:59 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


I might just be suffering Monday crankiness but...is it really your friends' job to critique you? That's something I would really not want to do. It's one thing to review someone's resume or idea or brainstorm. It's another to enter into a critical review of the very person that I presumably want to have as a friend.

I think you want something else. On preview, what Lyn Never said.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:01 PM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I don't go around critiquing my friends, and if I ever do criticize them I try to do it in the most tactful way possible, e.g., "That's a lovely dress, but I'm wondering if it might be a teeny bit cold for an outdoor wedding in October." If it's presentation feedback that you want, toastmasters is a great place to start. Everybody is there with the express purpose of getting better at public speaking/presenting and helping others to improve as well. I believe it is not expensive to join, but check the link for more info.
posted by tuesdayschild at 12:28 PM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm starting a new venture and honest feedback about the project and about my person is necessary for its success.

I have never participated, but I will suggest you look into Toastmasters.

Getting good feedback is extraordinarily challenging. It's a hard problem to solve for anyone trying to accomplish anything. Most people you interact with will not be familiar enough with relevant topics to be good sources of feedback on what specifically you need to change. So you need to find not only people willing and able to give you constructive feedback, but also people knowledgeable about specific domains such that their feedback is actually helpful to you.

This is a chronic problem for businesses and anyone else trying to accomplish anything in the real world. I have heard good things about Toastmasters and their ability to help you work on your personal presentation. I have also seen someone I personally respect say good things about how they routinely spoke at Toastmasters about their latest project and how useful that was.

I will also suggest that AskMe can be effectively used for this purpose on topics where you have managed to narrow down the scope of the problem a bit more than what is going on in this question. When you have a clearer idea of what is going on with the project, you may find yourself in a position to ask very concrete problems about "How do I solve X specific thing?" and get useful feedback that will help you move forward. A well-framed AskMe question can be extremely valuable for getting this kind of constructive feedback. I don't know of another resource quite like it. But you do have to do some heavy lifting on your end first to make it a good question to begin with. A poorly framed question is a lot less effective for this sort of thing.
posted by Michele in California at 3:51 PM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm very serious about critical feedback. Here are some thoughts:

- You need to allow a person to freely choose whether or not to give you feedback.

- Obviously, you need to be prepared to accept criticism of your efforts. I'm rather thick-skinned, but something that helps me in my weaker moments is to remember that I can't get better unless I know what I'm doing poorly. If I paint a picture and a friend says "oh, that's pretty!" - that's nice of them, but they're not helping me become a better painter. I'd really rather they point out the problems to me. Some people don't want to risk it. Some people, it may take a few times before they learn that I'm not offended by their feedback.

- Learn to be somewhat picky about who you ask for criticism. Everybody's got an opinion. But the better quality of criticism will often come from someone who is familiar with the subject matter. I'll probably get more out of showing my painting to someone who knows a thing or two about art, than if I ask a random stranger ("Umm ... it would look better if it had dogs in it. Especially if they were playing cards! My uncle is an art collector, and he has a bunch of great art in his basement ...").

- Don't argue with the person who is giving you feedback. It may happen that someone criticizes you for X, while you have very good reasons for having done it that way. If that happens, perhaps you can say "Noted. Moving on ... " You may (or may not) choose to later reveal your reasons for what you did. But don't argue, or throw it back at them as "See! You were *wrong!*"

- Finally: some people can be really mean. Like every so often a restaurant reviewer will just "follow his snark" and write a review that just tears an establishment to pieces. Everyone thinks it's hilarious - except maybe for the guy who's been busting his balls to get the place up and running. And the truth is that the reviewer may have some valid points. But you need to know your limits; if you're rolled up in a foetal ball in the corner, you're probably not really getting much of any worth from whatever this person is telling you.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm answering your questions head-on or not, but I hope this helps a little bit.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:33 PM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm going to read your question selectively and focus on the word "feedback" more than "critique." If you want feedback on your person, especially how you present to someone you do not know, please consider starting a course of therapy. A counselor/therapist is a trained professional who can give you honest feedback that should help. A lot of people think that there needs to be something "wrong" with them before they consider this alternative. The truth is, anyone and everyone can benefit from therapy. If you don't have health insurance or it is not covered under your plan, see if there is a counseling center in your area that works on a sliding scale.
If you want honest feedback from your friends...assuming you know them well enough and you are not presuming intimacy, just ask for it. "Can you give me your honest opinion of how I come across, especially things that you feel I should work on?" Be careful, though. Your friends are your friends in large part because they spare you their brutal honesty. Do this only with close, trusted friends, offer something they might want in return (coffee, lunch) and make your intentions clear and unmistakeable. Don't arrange a lunch date and spring this on someone, and do leave the person an out ("If you are not comfortable doing this, please let me know and please accept my apology if the request offends you.")
Social skills are, first and foremost, skills. You can improve them by working on them. If Stephen Urkel could become Stefan Urquelle, then so can you.
If all else fails, remember these words from Kurt Vonnegut: "We are who we pretend to be."
posted by Mr. Fig at 5:28 PM on March 18, 2015


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