I think I internalized my parents' neglect. Now what?
March 13, 2015 11:36 AM   Subscribe

I recently realized that my parents were inattentive to my needs as a child and teenager to a much greater degree than is usual or reasonable, and that my own longstanding patterns of passivity and self-neglect may be due to this. What do I do about it?

A recent conversation with a close childhood friend made me realize that there are uncanny similarities between the way I habitually (fail to) care for myself and the way I was (not) cared for by my caretakers in adolescence. I'm wondering what I can do with this insight and whether I can use it to change what feel like very deep-rooted behavior patterns of depressive passivity.

I'm in my 30s. I've had mostly low-level but constant depression for my whole adult life, and I've been unsuccessful at getting the things I've most wanted: I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, I have few friends, I don't have a steady job or good prospects of getting one, and I've made little use of what creative talents I have. My modus operandi has been to kind of squeak along in glum resignation, not making any sustained effort to improve my life but also steering short of actual crisis. I do the minimum it takes to get by (academically, financially, or whatever), feel bad most of the time because my basic emotional needs aren't being met, but basically suck it up. Needless to say, this is not a healthy way of living one's life.

What I'd never thought of before is that I'm basically treating myself the way my mom (and other caretakers, but she was the primary one since my parents are divorced) treated me when I was a kid: i.e. without much close care or attention to my needs. For example, we moved a lot, every year or two on average, but I don't remember ever being consulted or offered an active role in these decisions; it was more like "Oh, T can take the train to school, he'll be fine." For another example, I hated school, and I see looking back that it wasn't altogether because high school inherently sucks or I was an inherent misfit, but because that specific school was a really bad fit. My mom knew I was unhappy but she never thought to look into moving me to a better school. As long as I didn't make trouble she didn't give it much thought, and I wasn't the kind of kid who makes trouble. So my adolescence was a sort of continual simmering just below crisis level, but no one stepped in to do anything about it. Now my adult life is the same, and I'm the one who should be stepping in, but I don't.

How do I learn better, less self-neglectful habits?

An obvious answer is therapy, but I've had prolonged periods of talk therapy in the past with several different therapists and never got much out of it: it felt very unstructured, and when I did come away with some new insight I was never able to translate this into any actual change in my behavior patterns. (Also, I can't pay out of pocket and my insurance only covers 12 sessions a year.) So if your answer is "therapy", please be more specific, e.g. by suggesting a specific modality or work plan.

Other kinds of suggestions (e.g. reading material, podcast episodes to listen to, online support communities...) will of course be very welcome too. And most of all, if you're someone who's come through or is going through something similar and are willing to share what's been helpful for you, I'd love to hear.

Throwaway email: selfcare1@mail.com
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 49 users marked this as a favorite
 
You could try writing. In a paper journal, your phone, your email - something you can access later, not a post-it. Doesn't have to be anything poetic, sometimes just a list of how you feel (physically & emotionally) & what you did and plan to do for yourself (if you don't have an answer to this, don't skip out on the other part). That way you'd be paying attention to you, your needs. If you need to verbalize/put those things in writing, you are going to have to start paying attention to them. It's good first step.
I'd make it a goal to write At least once a week, but work it to every day or so.

Good luck!
posted by Neekee at 12:12 PM on March 13, 2015 [2 favorites]


The most basic things parents are supposed to give you are love and attention, so maybe you could start there.

EDIT: As far as therapy goes, now that you have a specific problem to work on, and a specific result you want to obtain, in might be easier to seek out a therapist who will give you what you want.
posted by sam_harms at 12:14 PM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


I would say therapy, especially now that you know what you want to achieve, but it sounds like that's not the first step you'd like to take due to the issues you mention. So, let's pretend a friend came to you and said:

I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, I have few friends, I don't have a steady job or good prospects of getting one, and I've made little use of what creative talents I have. My modus operandi has been to kind of squeak along in glum resignation, not making any sustained effort to improve my life but also steering short of actual crisis. I do the minimum it takes to get by (academically, financially, or whatever), feel bad most of the time because my basic emotional needs aren't being met, but basically suck it up. Needless to say, this is not a healthy way of living one's life.

You would ask them about taking action to improve those things, right? And if you've hung out on askme for awhile, you know it's a good idea to take things in incremental steps. What's a good first step? Trying to address the depression. So see your Primary Care Doctor and tell them that. They're likely to prescribe meds, and that's a good first step to try.

What's your next step? Whatever is next highest priority for you, whether that's improving your social connections by going to some meetups, or spending some time journaling about what kind of work might be something that could get you interested in putting in more effort and making more money.

My own experience was that through therapy I got a diagnosis (dysthymia, which might sound familiar to you), a better job, my own home, and better relationships all around. I went to therapy because I felt like I couldn't date and wanted to know how to change that. But of course everything is interconnected, so once I started addressing one aspect of my life, other aspects followed. It took years of hard work, but it was completely worthwhile.

You deserve good stuff. Start figuring out how you can give yourself the good stuff you deserve, like loving relationships and better work!
posted by ldthomps at 12:25 PM on March 13, 2015 [2 favorites]


Going to therapy with a specific thing you want to address is very different from going with no specific goal.

But in addition to, or in preparation for eventually trying it again, I would say spend some time journaling. Go ahead and write yourself a memoir of that time up through now, which you may find incredibly useful in exploring the narratives you apply to yourself as a habit.

Ultimately, you cannot change what happened to you, you can only reframe it. The responsibility for getting your needs met is solely on you, as it is for all adults, so you might think about and write about the discovery process as you figure out a path toward doing that successfully.

Even if you never actually go to therapy, writing these things as if you are preparing documentation to show to a therapist eventually can be helpful for giving you a target to aim at.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:29 PM on March 13, 2015


I wasn't the kind of kid who makes trouble.

This is the key to me... maybe you were the "good kid" who didn't make waves; maybe you just weren't sensitive to your own inner voice, and so didn't speak up; you didn't speak up, so no one listened; no one listened, so you didn't speak up... and next thing you know, you've got a life long habit of not noticing how you feel, what you want or if something is wrong. You're just a little bit numb.

I wouldn't jump on the therapy train here, necessarily. You could start with learning to pay attention to that voice inside that says: No. I don't like this. It's a feeling of resistance. Start small. If someone says "is pepsi ok?" and you feel that tingle of resistance, say "no, I like coke" and then either take a coke or walk to the next store to get your coke. Then build from there. I'm at home doing nothing. No, I don't like this. I'm going to a movie instead.

Tell yourself: sucking it up is no longer a viable option. Take that one completely off the table. Then, arrange your options or make a decision.

Make a list of things you have strong opinions about. Get to know yourself.

You could try googling around "overcoming feeling numb" as well.

Try mindfulness-based body meditation. Basically you spend some time paying attention to: your throat, your chest, your solar plexus (above your belly button) and the area below your belly button. Spend 10-20 minutes feeling each spot. Just pay attention to what feelings are there and what shows up. Describe it in physical sensations. I feel hot. I feel tense. I feel space. Whatever.

If you feel nothing, don't worry. Try again the next day. Eventually your body will get the drift: feeling my feelings is ok now. It's allowed. Eventually the feelings will show up and they'll be your guide as to what you want. You will feel sad, or lonely. And those feelings will help you reach out to connect. You'll feel energetic and hyper. So you go play some sports to get out that energy. And so on.

Good luck!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:31 PM on March 13, 2015 [44 favorites]


Here's a book you may want to check out: Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. It's been mentioned here before. I am about halfway through it and I think it will strike a chord with you.

I would second getting some medical treatment for your dysthymia.
posted by fairfax at 12:48 PM on March 13, 2015 [7 favorites]


I'm really sorry your childhood was like that, and that you've felt the effects through your adulthood. I definitely think there's hope for change and a path to happiness with the personal revelations you've had.

This line stood out to me:

when I did come away with some new insight I was never able to translate this into any actual change in my behavior patterns.

I had the exact same experience in talk therapy. I really, truly appreciated the personal insights I gained, and the kind listening ear, and I did feel I made progress. But there does seem like a natural progression from talk therapy to behavioral therapy, in my mind anyway. Maybe now is the time to try to put your insights into behavioral changes with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I have not yet tried it myself but I think there is evidence that this type of therapy can yield positive results if you work at it.

Best of luck to you, OP.
posted by JenMarie at 1:02 PM on March 13, 2015


It really sounds like you are developing insight into your emotional state and connections to the past which, even though you feel like you haven't made progress yet, this is really going to help you. It is like the essential prep work for making sense of your past and changing your life.

There is a lot of research and understanding about the ways in which early childhood care-giving, or lack thereof, affects the development of children on multiple levels; not just emotional and self esteem wise, but the actual structure and connections within the brain. Without getting really in the weeds of neuroscience here, everyone has cells called mirror neurons whose job it is to mirror the emotional state of those who care for us. If we are loved and cared for fully, these mirror neurons create for us the same feelings of love and connection in our head that our parents themselves feel when they are holding us and thus we are able to discover ourselves for the first time. If this doesn't happen, the development of the "self" is severely compromised.

The idea is that not only do people in very low nurturing, low attention environments grow up with poor self images, emotional emptiness, etc., but also that in these early phases of their lives, the brain developed in a way which mirrored the treatment it received and throughout life will constantly seek the same stimuli and experience that formed it. Watch this short video On Recreating Our Past In the Present (it is from an excellent psychology self help resource- one of the only I'll put stock in on the internet). It is a little abstract and technical, but if you listen closely, he is describing exactly your situation (even says at one point "if you were neglected...").

He is saying that there is a neurological component to this; that it is not enough to just know your past, but you have to reach that plane of "openness" where you are finally able to have new rewarding experiences that stimulate you in ways that are outside of your neglect/empty-self pattern.

Keep up your introspection and examination of the past, but more importantly, focus on finding new experiences and ways of connecting with the world that reward you in ways that your upbringing and ingrained patterns never have.
posted by incolorinred at 1:16 PM on March 13, 2015 [7 favorites]


First off, let me note that from what I have read and personally observed, severe neglect is worse than (moderate) abuse. Neglected children sometimes die from medical emergencies because they don't bother to tell anyone because they have no reason to believe anything will be done. Abused kids tend to be better about expecting that they will get attention of some kind, it is just highly likely to be negative. This seems to be an easier mentality to correct for.

So start by viewing this as a real big deal. Start reading up on mental models that may help you frame it as being very serious. For example, legal cases where failure to act is a criminal offense and can get someone convicted of murder or of helping someone commit murder by not stopping them. Parents have a duty of care. Failing to care properly for that child, if it goes far enough, can literally kill the kid. This is no small thing. You were egregiously harmed. You have a right to be mad about that. Getting angry is probably a good first step and may help you break out of your depressive cycle.

It seems to me that stress typically causes either depression or anger. Depression seems to be a "don't rock the boat" mode, something you do way too much of. Anger seems to provide energy for taking action. Righteous anger, properly channeled, is a force for good. Neglected kids learn to not feel what they feel and, even more so, not express it.

You might consider keeping a journal or starting an anonymous blog to start talking about your feelings and finding a way to express them. That is an area that likely needs a lot of work. One of the benefits of blogging is that, if you get any feedback from other people, that can be enormously valuable. But if you don't want to do that, at least keep a private journal. At least give yourself permission to tell yourself "I feel X about this and here is why..."

An obvious answer is therapy, but I've had prolonged periods of talk therapy in the past with several different therapists and never got much out of it:

Therapy has its place. I've done therapy. I am not going to badmouth it. But my experience has been that it is less powerful than working on learning to effectively go out and get your needs met. There came a point past which sitting in my therapist's office and whining and crying about being a victim was just keeping that victim self-image alive, instead of helping me put it behind me. My therapist moved and I told him "Nope, I don't need a referral. I'm good." and I got on with getting on with my life. If you feel the need to discuss it with someone and want to do that, therapy is always a resource you can choose to turn to. But if it isn't doing much for you, there are lots of different ways to skin this cat.

I will also suggest that you read a few good books on negotiation. Neglected kids wind up being conflict-avoiders and abused kids wind up being conflict-seekers. They both benefit from learning some better ways to try to get other people to do something for them. Negotiation is the positive answer here. It beats the hell out of fighting with people, manipulating them, abusing them, or avoiding them. And having a few soft skills can help make approaching other people a lot less problematic for you and, thus, also a lot less stressful and something you just want to avoid. I have a lot of these types of skills and it is part of why I am generally an open, friendly person -- because I feel safe not due to expecting other people to always be great (or "nice") people, but because I know how to interact with people in a way that minimizes friction and maximizes potential benefit.

I will also suggest you find a safe way to play the "bad boy." There is something about what you were taught about what it means to be "good" that is not healthy. The only way you are going to learn a better definition is by doing a little experimenting with behaviors that you feel are "bad."

I went to high school with a girl from a very religious family. She wasn't allowed to wear pants ever. They were very conservative. She wore skirts and dresses all the time. She was a social outcast with poor self esteem who did not look at all attractive -- she always came off as very awkward. After she graduated, she went to stay with her grandmother in another state and go to college. From what I heard, she got involved with the wrong kind of boy, lost her virginity without marrying him (gasp!) and ended up dropping out of school there and returning home. I saw her once in the college cafeteria. She was gorgeous and had confidence. I think she was vastly improved and much happier for breaking all the family rules and accepting the criticism for it. And it's not like she robbed a bank or killed someone. So I highly recommend you do a little tame family-rule breaking yourself and learn for yourself what works and what doesn't and that being rude (or whatever) once in a while is not the end of the world.

You might also benefit from going to the library and looking for books on how to get stuff done in the vein of "The seven habits of highly effective people." You should work on goal-setting. "Wishcraft" is another title that comes to mind. Look for anything you can find that talks about how to set goals and make things happen. One of the things you are likely to find in the process of reading about how humans get stuff done is that it is always stressful, there is always someone who does not approve. Reading up on that aspect may be more critical to your purpose here than any other part of it.

Which reminds me that I read a lot of biographies when I was young. It was enormously helpful. Finding out a little bit about how successful people experienced it from the inside, instead of what it looked like to other people from the outside, was very valuable for me. So you might consider reading a few biographies yourself.

Last, try to set a high priority on eating better and taking care of your physical health, in a wellness-oriented way. In other words, with a focus more on eating right and exercising, rather than on medicating every little thing. You likely were literally not properly nourished. This can have significant impact on brain function. You may find that taking better physical care of yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do to position yourself for overcoming everything else.

best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:26 PM on March 13, 2015 [16 favorites]


This question rules: thank you so much for it. I like CBT, myself, not because it will necessarily work but because it's so refreshing to hang out with somebody and think and talk practically and dispassionately about behavior itself: What am I doing, what could I be doing instead? CBT doesn't care about why, just what and what to do about it. That said, your realization about why, the new understanding you found all by yourself about childhood neglect and its connections to your adult behavior, seems revelatory, and like it's got to be enormously helpful.

Could you think of yourself as being at the same time both the worthy, fragile thing and the caretaker for the worthy, fragile thing? If you had to take care of a child, yourself, what would you do for the kid? Right now, if it were dropped in your lap? What can you do with what you can easily get right now? Something that will make you feel happy and full? You don't have to be rich or successful, either: you just have to stop feeling awful, right now, immediately. I agree, too, that if you were the sort never to make any trouble, you should go and do something (mildly) (not illegally) bad, ASAP. What horrible-for-you beverage or comestible do you favor? (If you like sweets and can drink without ruining your life, I recommend this: http://www.amarula.co.za/age-screener?referer=/sharing/ it's perfectly delicious and very childish without technically being Bailey's. And elephants drink it and get plowed and stomp on villagers. It's a yummy, transgressive beverage that you should have some of immediately. Or, you know, whatever you like that's a little bit opulent.)

Here's my Rx for the immediate problem, which is that you feel terrible: drink that, watch this https://archive.org/details/TheKid_179. My Rx for the chronic condition is to somehow figure out how to be both protagonists in that movie for the rest of your life.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:28 PM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Something tiny but very helpful to me - from my therapist's suggestion in part. On the back of my bathroom door I took a sharpie and started writing things I love in a sort of word cloud. Big font for my kids and friends, and then all sorts of tiny things like "black beans" and "Bollywood dance music". The list reminds me that I do have preferences and wants and things I love, and it's encouraging me to do more of the things I like. It's not a to-do list, more a text mirror of happiness. Bathroom door means I can see it often and the sharpie is near the sink to add to it. I kept it in a journal previously but this helps even more. I also printed a bunch of hopeful inspiring pictures (Tumblr and Pinterest are great for this) and stuck them up all over my bedroom. My bathroom has a great a4 print of Leslie Knopes and a flower poster that says "spoil yourself" and a print that says "brave". Oh and a nice tiny trick is to change all your passwords to loving reminders, e.g "I.am.l0ving&kind" so you end up typing them in frequently.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:54 PM on March 13, 2015 [4 favorites]


I have been there myself! I HIGHLY recommend CBT therapy. it totally works, talk therapy didn't work for me but CBT has really helped. And it doesn't take many sessions. you can find great resources online too when ur coverage runs out, and the feel better handbook is just a start.
posted by TRUELOTUS at 5:08 PM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Do you have friends? You say that your emotional needs are not being met. And while it's true that you can probably do some things to help yourself with that, doing enjoyable and interesting things with nice and interesting people might help give you a boost. If you can sing, join a choir. Volunteer if that's your thing, take a class, join a book club.

I see a lot of myself in your question. Feel free to memail me, and good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:27 PM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have had a lot of what you describe in my past. If you can swing Psychoanalysis give it a shot. Made a huge difference to me where other talk therapy didn't. I think it's a good practice for deep and ignored childhood issues.
posted by Kloryne at 6:04 PM on March 13, 2015


It is hard to convince yourself that you are important, when your parents did not properly mirror for you, love you, properly communicate with you, or show concern. Lots of times they had it much worse, and they think that by not actively harming you, they did better than their parents by just neglecting you.

It is very depressing and sets you up for failure in intimate relations because it leaves you looking for parents in your adult life.

One thing you can do is read up on early childhood development, and study about the inner child. Now you are older you can take up some of the parenting you needed. You can go a long way toward wholeness if you know this is the task. Then there is the valuation of self, you regretfully have to make yourself of value, in place of your parents. No one else can do this, if you want a life where you share your joy and authentic self, rather than being a shell waiting to be filled, or living a life seeking out other wounded souls to comiserate with, this I know from experience.

Your self talk has to be good, to you. I in spite of all writings to the contrary, love the works of Carlos Castaneda. In one passage a character talks about the four aspects of stalking,(which is learnimg about the self.) This was a way to get around the defenses we have put in place to prevent awareness. Awareness of self is important. A healthy love, tolerance, respect for self is crucial for becoming happy. These attributes were patience, sweetness, ruthlessness, and cunning. So sneaky how those four things work together when courting the true self.

A lot of people endure horror on this world, in the opulent west, we live lives of quiet desperation at times. Best self to you, and the best to you with your inquiries.
posted by Oyéah at 7:26 PM on March 13, 2015 [4 favorites]


Your question isn't helpful to you. Rather than asking how to stop being neglectful towards yourself, just try to ask yourself instead what kind of person you would like to become. Then once you figure that out you can take positive steps towards that. Trying to become "less neglectful" doesn't mean much of anything as it is a negative wish and doesn't give you much of anything to move towards.
posted by rancher at 10:44 PM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Communication is key in interpersonal relationships. Perhaps you should engage in a critically, open-minded discussion about this with your parents? Have a heart-to-heart talk, so to speak. Explain to them what is on your mind; and how it is important that your emotional needs are currently inadequate - that you would like to change this positively for the better. Personally, I'm in the same boat - I'm a female and twenty-three. From my own experience, CBT therapy has been a soothing nourishment. It is very helpful to have a critical discussion about emotional inadequacy with my therapist; since my therapist has shed a new angle on why my emotional necessities in childhood were inadequate and how this has shaped my own personal relationships with my friends, partner, and people in general.

I would highly recommend reading this Wikipedia link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

This might be an oracle, or a guide, if you will; for better understanding the behavioral patterns of family bonding and childhood relationships in general. This theory has shaped my understanding of human relationships critically, and how my parents could not solely benefit the needs of emotional self-affirmation for me. Emotional neglect can be mentally and socially traumatizing on a subconscious level as well; because when we grow up, we internalize the fact that there is something 'wrong' with ourselves emotionally - a constant rumination of self-disappointment.

Perhaps you should learn self-affirmation; learn to love and accept yourself for who you are. If you are content and comfortable within your own skin, you will feel deeply secured and satisfied with your own emotional well-being. On a final note, I think it is difficult to develop an intimate relationship and sustain a satisfying career if our emotional needs have not be amended or taken care of in childhood; this is rooted in the attachment theory link from above. I hope this advice is somewhat helpful. Best of luck.
posted by RearWindow at 11:35 PM on March 13, 2015


low-level but constant depression
Thirding dysthymia. It takes time, but it can get better with therapy and meds (if you can find one that works for you; meds really are helpful with dysthymia). Good luck.
posted by evening at 6:11 AM on March 14, 2015




Based on my experience, I'd recommend getting the depression treated first, and meds might be the ticket. I'm a fan of agomelatine, which works on the frontal cortex. It not only relieved my very long-standing depression, it gave me the kick in the pants I needed to get things done.

I'm also a big fan of anger. Not the dramatic break-up-with-your-family type, necessarily, but the kind that lets you imagine an influential person, maybe your mom, and the message she gave you, maybe "You don't count," and doing something to show her that she was very, very mistaken. The point is not to rub her face in it or even tell her; the goal is to do it and every time you do it, see it as proof that what she told you was wrong.

For example, I was told that women are stupid and silly and bad drivers, and not surprisingly I developed a driving phobia. I decided I was going to get over the phobia to show the men that gave me that message that they were full of crap, even though I had no contact with them and they had no idea I had a phobia. Then, every time I got into my car I pictured giving them the finger. Vividly pictured them looking at me enter my car as I gave them the finger. It was incredibly liberating. And there's not much room for fear when you're feeling triumph.

For reading, I'd recommend Nathaniel Branden's books on self-esteem. Pick whichever one speaks to you.
posted by ceiba at 8:32 AM on March 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


As far as podcasts go, I'd recommend Metal Illness Happy Hour.
posted by cropshy at 8:47 AM on March 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Something I found very helpful in taking better care of myself was group therapy. I had thought it might be a bunch of people wallowing in and reinforcing our misery, but it would up being very transformative for me. I felt very compassionate toward the others in the group, and provided support and kindness and care that I could never give myself. But after a long time of doing that, it made me realize that I was not some kind of exception to the group - I was just as deserving of compassion as the group members, and the practice of being compassionate toward them made it so much easier to extend it to myself. I had struggled in individual therapy of not being able to translate insight into action for twenty years, but group therapy was entirely different. If you're someone who extends care to others easily, it might be a good way for you to learn how to give it to yourself.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 10:14 AM on March 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


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