When abuse survivors become abusive…

March 13, 2015 7:46 AM

What does the road to recovery look like for abuse survivors, especially pertaining to their romantic relationships post-abuse? Do they often break free of all abusive relationships, how likely is it to turn into an abuse or be abused dichotomy?

My partner is an abuse survivor. I relocated to be with this person and their child 7 months ago. We've now lived together for seven months, seven difficult, argument filled months. Several nights ago we had a heart to heart and I admitted to myself and subsequently to my partner that I've been feeling like one relationship was promised and another given when I got to the new town. It was quite an emotional discussion and promises were made by my partner that they would stop the controlling behaviour, the passive-aggressiveness, the name calling etc.

Now I'm presuming that this doesn't mean an immediate end to all abusive behaviour in our relationship, but I am hoping it signals a shift towards healing and the setting aside of old patterns. Maybe? Hopefully? Is this foolish?

The really painful thing for me right now is that even if the best case scenario comes true I'm afraid there's no foundation anymore as I am feeling so broken hearted from the last 1/2 year. I'm having trouble finding the love I once felt. Does it ever come back? How do I help somebody recover when I need help too?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

What is your partner doing to heal him or herself? Therapy, I hope? Group therapy at least? When it's your brain that needs the healing, the healing can't come from within itself- it's going to need outside help, and that does not mean only books.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:15 AM on March 13, 2015 [2 favorites]

What is this person's plan for changing all of these abusive behaviors? What concrete actions have they taken so far? Promising and even genuinely wanting to stop these behaviors is not enough. Are they willing to go through a program specific to people with anger/control issues? Talk therapy isn't going to cut it. Are they willing to do their homework every day? Are they willing to face their behavior head-on? Are they willing to take full responsibility for their actions?

This person is responsible for their own recovery. If they need help, it needs to come from outside sources. You, as the recipient of the abusive behaviors, are responsible for keeping yourself safe and (emotionally, physically) healthy.

Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?

I'm sorry: this person is not likely to change. Make your decision based on the person you know them to be right now, and not on a hypothetical version you think they could be. You know how you feel about this person and this relationship. That is reality. Live by reality.

MetaFilter is fond of saying that you don't have to have a "good enough" excuse to break up with somebody. You can break up with somebody simply because you don't want to be with them anymore. It sounds like your heart's not in it. Why stick it out?
posted by moira at 9:18 AM on March 13, 2015 [5 favorites]

You're right that sometimes, people who've been abused imitate behaviour they learned from their abuser, once they're out of the relationship. I do not think it's a necessary or necessarily permanent state. However, they may now hold certain beliefs that may be hard to address without therapy (e.g., they may be cynical about love and relationships, or see all relationships as fundamentally about power, or struggle with ambivalent feelings about the gender of their abuser, if they're a het woman specifically).

And I'm not sure what you can do in the face of that, other than try to prove again and again that you're not "that guy" (whether guy or not). Which must be exhausting... I mean, I think being patient and consistently enforcing boundaries - bringing their awareness to the fact that behaviour x is totally unacceptable - can help them. But, you don't have to put up with being abused, either. Your partner does need to take responsibility for their issues. And you should leave if they don't.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:27 AM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

Promising and even genuinely wanting to stop these behaviors is not enough.

Just wanted to emphasize this. A person will say "I know my behavior is crappy and I really, really, really really want to stop it! I swear I will next time!" And you have to be ready to say, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen any evidence that it is true, and I'm not willing to wait any longer." Good luck, a lot of us here at Metafilter feel for you.
posted by Melismata at 9:31 AM on March 13, 2015

I want to add that it's hard not to fall into the false belief that an abusive person is a bad, evil person through and through. I think people correctly see the good and even wonderful parts of their abusive partner, and use the fact that they are not a "bad person" to justify staying in a relationship that isn't healthy or happy.

The same thing applies to "but they're not like this all the time."
posted by moira at 9:56 AM on March 13, 2015 [3 favorites]

Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. "He was abused as a child" is myth #1 about abusive men (and on the off-chance that you are referring to abuse from a previous partner, that's myth #2). The link between childhood abuse and partner abuse is weak, and therapy rarely makes things better. Sometimes it makes current abuse worse, by giving the abuser a more sophisticated, medical sounding excuse for their behavior. Childhood abuse is also usually embellished and played up when an abuser realizes it's an excuse people readily accept.

You shouldn't be worried about why he is mistreating you--that isn't your responsibility. It's his. You need to worry about his behavior, which is appalling. I also feel like this:
I relocated to be with this person
is a huge, huge red flag. How far did you relocate? Are you isolated from friends and family? Would it be a big ordeal to go back to your previous situation? His shitty behavior didn't start at that time coincidentally. He knows you are in a weaker position now and will put up with more. This is only going to get worse as you become more dependent on him.

How do I help somebody recover when I need help too?

You can't. Take care of you first.
posted by almostmanda at 9:57 AM on March 13, 2015 [14 favorites]

One hundred percent agree with almostmanda. This was a huge red flag for me, too, as soon as I read your question. It would be interesting to know if you can safely contact any of your partner's exes -- or barring that, notice how they talk about them. If they feel "wronged" by all of them, that can be a clue that your partner was actually the abusive one in the situation. It is VERY common for an abuser to see themselves as the victim -- it serves them.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:12 AM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

Apologies if I misgendered you or your partner--just realized you didn't specify in your question.
posted by almostmanda at 10:17 AM on March 13, 2015

Did you know that it's not uncommon for abusers to turn the tables on their victims, calling them abusers? Often to other people who were outside of the abuse? I don't know what happened here, but that might be something to consider: is it possible that your partner is an abuser and that they abused their ex, and now they're abusing you? When I started dating my abuser, he told me all these awful things about his abusive ex-wife. She sounded terrible. Terrible. Turns out, he was the terrible one, but he had a great way of twisting things so that she looked and sounded completely insane, like a terrible human being who just wanted to cause him pain and suffering. When I finally got to know her - and when I finally got to see him for who he really was - it made a lot more sense. Just something for you to possibly consider.

a shift towards healing and the setting aside of old patterns.
Oh yes, there will certainly be a shift. It might last for a few days, a few weeks, a few months. But if your partner does literally NOTHING concrete to actually change their behavior, guess what? Their behavior won't change. They'll be back to the name-calling and the passive-aggressiveness and the arguing. The cycle of violence is real.

I can't tell you how many empty promises I heard. It was only when he started the physical violence that I began to feel really sorry for myself that I had believed his promises. He was the same man after the apologies. Oh sure, he gave me roses, or he let me eat a real meal, or he would take me out on a date, but that honeymoon period did not last very long, and it got shorter and shorter the longer I stayed with him. By the end, there was no honeymoon period anymore: I remember having a horrible argument towards the end of our relationship, and the next day he got me roses. As he was giving them to me, he said, "I really hate when you wear those shoes. Take them off."

To answer your question: How do I help somebody recover when I need help too? you may want to refer to this anonymous post that I made many years ago. I essentially ask the same question, and the responses were really helpful. It took me years to hear them and to listen to them, but here I am now, and I'm no longer in an abusive relationship.

Here's a different question to ask yourself: Are you happy? Could you be happy with this relationship, exactly as it is right now, for the rest of your life? If not, why stay? Really: why stay with a person who is treating you poorly?

When I have a legitimate issue with my boyfriend now (I am in a healthy relationship with a new man) - you know what happens? I say, "Dear, this is a problem," and he sits and thinks about it and says, "Ok, what can I do to make this better?" If it's a problem that makes him emotional or upset, you know what he does? He says, "Can we talk about this in a little while? I need to think," and then he goes on a walk. That is how a mature person handles a serious issue with their partner: with respect, kindness, and a willingness to think about how to solve the problem. Not with emotions and promises. Sure, sometimes one or both of us may get upset and emotional, but we do not call one another names, we do not yell, we do not use our emotions as weapons: we feel them, take time to process them, and use them to guide our actions constructively. That doesn't sound like something your partner is capable of doing.

Best of luck to you.
posted by sockermom at 10:18 AM on March 13, 2015 [15 favorites]

It may seem really difficult to extricate yourself from this relationship, too -- you moved and you might look or feel foolish; you might have spent a lot of money to relocate; you're isolated from friends and family; there is a child involved, though they aren't yours; you do have or have had actual love or feelings for this person.

However, let me tell you -- the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave. Humans are adaptable, and they can get used to even horrendous abuse, like the frog in the slowly boiling pot. Every day, week, month, year you stay it will get harder and harder to leave. It will literally never be any easier for you to leave than it is right now, as unsurmountable as it may seem.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:25 AM on March 13, 2015 [4 favorites]

Chiming in - I have a friend who went through something similar. He was an abuse survivor and the patterns of behavior he had learned were very very ugly. They are married now, in a stable, NON-abusive marriage, but it took years of work before they reached that point. It was HIS work. Not theirs. Not hers. The first thing he had to do was take ownership of of the abuse beyond a "sorry" and then he had to go out and make the changes he wanted to see. He's still in therapy - the effects of abuse like that last a lifetime, but he has accepted that his partner cannot be his punching bag. That NO-ONE can be his punching bag.
Is your partner willing to do this?
posted by tabubilgirl at 11:44 AM on March 13, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm an abuse survivor and here's what I need help with: understanding when I need to set boundaries, a home that is calm and loving, therapy in the past, art supplies, wise counsel.

Here's what I don't need: Someone excusing unacceptable behavior. Ever.

In my youth I was kind of messed up. So people broke up with me. That is how it works.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:32 PM on March 13, 2015 [7 favorites]