5 years old refuses to poop anywhere but in the diaper

March 11, 2015 12:36 AM

My 5 years old boy, who is emotionally normal and generally happy, can't poop into the toilet/potty. He's been peeing in the toilet since he was 2, but only tried pooping once when he was 3 and never repeated it again, although it was a neutral experience (no pain or anything negative). We read every book, talked to doctors, psychologists, etc... and tried everything without success (details below).

For him not to poop in the diaper is like dying. When we tried the more aggressive measures, like not giving him a diaper (with the whole " it's entirely your choice/responsibility" reasoning), he kept the poop for days until the pain in the belly was so hard he couldn't walk anymore and then soiled himself. All of this with so much drama that was borderline social services. And all for nothing as the next day the whole thing restarted again, identically.

We tried bribing him in all sort of ways and I even offered to him to do it anywhere he likes, like in the garden like an animal, just to try breaking the diaper habit.

The admittedly weak compromise we have in place today is that he has to sit 10 minutes on the toilet before getting the diaper, hoping that he will get distracted and let it go... for those 10 minutes you can see he's making an enormous effort not to let it go! But he doesn't budge... he's remarkably strong willed.

By way of background, there hasn't been any trauma, he finds people using the toilet absolutely normal and he even tries to convince his little brother to use it. Go figure...

So in short, we are totally out of ideas. I'm open to any suggestions (including voodoo!), as long as it doesn't hurt him of course.

posted by caudingo to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)

I like snickerdoodle's suggestion. I'd also wait it out and not turn it into a power struggle, while minimizing the hassle that his habits create for you.

I teach 5-8 year olds and I think your kid is going to be a lot more motivated to change this habit on his own within a year or so as his (developmentally appropriate and healthy) sense of fitting in and what's "normal" increases over time. Pooping in a diaper is going to be viewed as pretty weird by the time he gets to elementary school and if he has normal social skills he'll figure this out and adjust accordingly. (You don't sound like this kind of parent, but for the record I'm NOT recommending that YOU tell him his habits are weird or shame him over this.)
posted by horizons at 2:02 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

A similar topic was covered in this thread (although with an older child):

http://ask.metafilter.com/210265/4th-grader-will-not-use-toilet

One takeaway I had from that thread is that the medical consequences of constipation can be severe, so avoid putting him into a situation where he'll be holding it in.
posted by handful of rain at 5:13 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

My daughter did this for a while when she was about 4. Sometimes she would sit on the toilet for 20 minutes, tell us nothing would come out, then sneak back into the bathroom to put on a diaper and poop as soon as we were distracted.

In the end, we decided the drama & power-struggles weren't worth it and completely backed off from the potty pressure. A week or so later, I started bribing her with chocolate chips (1 chip if you sit on the potty, 2 if you do something). After a month or two of feeling in control, she decided she didn't need the diaper anymore.

(She also mentioned wanting to stay a baby/not have to grow up. We had to reassure her that she would still get lots of cuddles when she was bigger. Is this an issue with your kid?)
posted by belladonna at 5:17 AM on March 11, 2015

Create a magic diaper for him by cutting the middle out of one, just enough where he can wear it and feel the tabs around him while still letting the poop through. Use soft tape to keep it from dropping all the stuffing. Have a basket of double wrapped gifts in the bathroom where he can see them. Every time he uses the magic diaper and the poop lands in the toilet, he gets a gift. After a few days of it, let him know that the magic diaper has turned invisible, and is now a trip to the zoo, after he poops in the potty. Don't let on before hand that the magic diaper will disappear. Give him a few days with it.
posted by myselfasme at 5:36 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]

I would cheerfully advise him he has to go only in the bathroom because that where you go when you are 5. Put the diapers in the bathroom and let it be his job.
He may see diapers as just an extra step and hopefully be more willing to eliminate it.
posted by beccaj at 5:52 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Our daughter didn't start using the potty at all until she was over 4, and pooping on it until she was 4 1/2. Her pediatrician said that making it a big deal out of any of it was too much pressure, and suggested that we simply diaper her and give her miralax every day to ensure that the poop emerged.

She just turned 5 and uses the potty, by herself, every time--she began doing that when it worked for her, not us.
posted by miss tea at 5:53 AM on March 11, 2015

We took our son, at about 4 years old, to a therapist because it seemed that his refusal to poop in the potty was anxiety related. We did a combination of miralax (just a tiny amount was sufficient) and trying to get to the root of his anxiety and joke about it. The doctor said we should ask him the worst thing that could happen if he went on the potty. Would the poop come back out? Would the potty explode? Would giant tigers fly out of the potty? Eventually, he got mostly over it.

Honestly, he's still anxious. He has a fear that the toilet will get clogged. He runs out of the room when he flushes (he's now 10 years old). We note that the toilet gets clogged all the time and it isn't a big deal, and he seems to be better about it.
posted by ceejaytee at 6:49 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

While not as old and accidentally my sister in law solved a similar reluctance with a high fibre dinner(chilli)and a sleepover at their house with the ofthe his friends. While peer pressure can suck it can be a force for good in situations like this.
posted by wwax at 7:25 AM on March 11, 2015

This seems too obvious, but you didn't mention it. Have you asked him why he won't use the toilet?

Also do his feet dangle? Maybe a stool would make it more comfortable.
posted by Shanda at 7:46 AM on March 11, 2015

We had this problem but slightly younger. We "had no diapers" at the house and she held it in for days. Days... But fortunately for us she had to go at one point, the poo went in the toilet and she never once mentioned a diaper since then. Weird. (And like you, she'd done it before, no trauma, seemed fine, we have no idea where it came from.)

If it had continued, the next trick we were going to try was the hole-in-the-diaper. However, given his age, I think that snickerdoodle's suggestion is perfect.

Poor you, poor little guy, you have my sympathy! Best of luck.
posted by HopStopDon'tShop at 8:16 AM on March 11, 2015

I would offer a small treat every time he sits on the potty, even for half a minute. A large treat for any success. We used a couple M&Ms as the small treat, and a matchbox car as a big treat. I would maybe require sitting on the potty, even for just half a minute, after every meal, but no other pressure. I might also remark how good it feels to have a poop in the potty after my and his Dad's successful events.
posted by theora55 at 10:41 AM on March 11, 2015

My younger daughter had similar issues, and she would put the diaper on herself etc, but it got to the point where I needed her to not need the diaper. I bought one pack of diapers, and I told her when they were gone, we wouldn't be buying any more. I didn't make a huge deal, I just kept reminding her about the fact that we wouldn't be buying anymore. She did transition- but she did need to take off 100% of her clothes to poop for a while. She is now in 8th grade and is totally normal. If I were you I would take a two prong approach, I would do the thing I did with the diapers, and let him put them on, and take them off etc, and at the same time I would be making sure that he was getting a fiber rich diet that helps keep things moving. I might suggest he try sitting on the toilet in the diaper if he would be open to it. I would also try and keep track of when he poops, and try and be at home and chilled out (if that is at all possible) I would also try and talk to him about it- to see if it's the toilet, the poop or some other thing that is holding him back. My daughter really didn't want to get poop on her clothes- so taking them all off when she pooped helped her.

The most important piece of the whole thing is to not make it a power struggle or shame him into it. I also think that if you can live with diapers for a bit longer, peer pressure should get the better of him once he gets to school.
posted by momochan at 2:32 PM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Fantastic answers, many thanks to everybody! I'll report back with the resutls.
posted by caudingo at 11:00 PM on March 12, 2015