Is it time to move on?

March 8, 2015 6:15 AM

He has not made an effort t see me for the past two weeks, but then again he has been quite busy. Should I move on?

I've been seeing someone since Christmas. It was quite clear that he was into me, took me on very special dates, took his time to get to know me, we slept with eachother after a month but also went on dates without sleeping with each other, and we would hang out twice a week. There was no talk about exclusivity, but my friends thought he liked me, and I got that vibe too. I liked him also, we made each other laugh, and he is very interesting and sweet, a bit shy and very funny.
I last saw him two weeks ago, and it was lovely. Then after that, for a week week he was distant but still seemed keen to see me. I messaged him and he took a couple of days to write back saying he was very busy but would like to see me on the weekend. The weekend arrived and he cancelled, saying sorry, that he has been stressed and busy, and that he was free everyday the following week and would love to see me then. Well, this past week he has been distant but hasn't seemed keen at all, hasn't reached out or texted me. So I called him last week just to say hello, thinking that he was just stressed out, and he seemed happy to hear from me. He said he was preparing for his event thing and would call me back. He never did call me back, and i didn't hear from him at all, and we obviously didn't see each other either. I've been giving him his space, but I think i can assume now that it is over right? If the first week he seemed to want to see me and this week hasn't even tried to reach out... He has been busy which I understand, but he has still had time to go on facebook. I haven't acted needy or shown that I'm upset. I wished him luck on his preparations and he thanked me. Now I'm wondering if I should send him a brief text or call and ask if it's over so i can move on? How long should i wait for? I can't force him to like me, something i suppose must have made him lose interest suddenly, or do you think he is genuinely busy with work?
Thank you.

posted by akita to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Unfortunately this does sound like a very immature way off breaking things off. You certaintly deserve an in person conversation at this point, but sometimes people just flakely try to fade others out. This sucks, but try to move on. I don't think you'll get much if you try to confront him. Your new beau is likely right around the corner.
posted by Kalmya at 6:24 AM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

The great likelihood is that he's done with the relationship for whatever reason. But even if he is legitimately busy, you deserve someone who doesn't take days to respond to a text and at least calls you back if they say they're going to call you back! I would not wait one more second for this guy.
posted by drlith at 6:26 AM on March 8, 2015 [27 favorites]

Don't contact him. I think it's over.

Think of it this way; even if he is really into you but is stressed and busy, in these early exciting days of a relationship, if this is all he can muster to demonstrate affection imagine how much worse he'd be once you were more settled and the glow had worn off.

Definitely not a catch.
posted by kinetic at 6:27 AM on March 8, 2015 [28 favorites]

Follow the rule of three. Contact him three times. If, within those three times, he doesn't contact you of his own volition, then move on. It sounds like you've done that, so it's time for you to start looking again. Saying "I'll call you" and then not is, while not lying per se, very much not cool. Once is a mistake, twice is habit.

Don't waste your time and energy on the "WHY?". It's extremely unlike you'll get a satisfactory answer, and knowing won't change the situation at all. Save your time and energy for finding someone who can do the basics, like actually keeping in touch.
posted by Solomon at 6:28 AM on March 8, 2015 [8 favorites]

I would call him, not text or email or message, and tell him you miss spending time with him and want to see him this week. Then, let his actions speak louder than his words.
posted by 724A at 7:01 AM on March 8, 2015

Now I'm wondering if I should send him a brief text or call and ask if it's over so i can move on?

You don't need his answer to move on. His neglect this early in the relationship is his answer. Move on. You no longer have a relationship. I'm sorry.
posted by inturnaround at 7:12 AM on March 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

Sounds like a slow fade. But even if it isn't, if this is all he has to give, is that really what you want? If you don't feel good in the early stages of a relationship, it's time to cut bait.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:15 AM on March 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

He never did call me back, and i didn't hear from him at all, and we obviously didn't see each other either. I've been giving him his space, but I think i can assume now that it is over right? If the first week he seemed to want to see me and this week hasn't even tried to reach out... He has been busy which I understand, but he has still had time to go on facebook. I haven't acted needy or shown that I'm upset.

Yeah, throw that one back. He seems a bit self absorbed and he's causing weird anxiety. Its a sign that you'll have to do the bulk of moving the relationship forward, and that's pretty anxiety inducing. Cutting bait in this instance is going to be better for you.

He could have texted you, at least, jeez. And you called him already so he knows you'd like to talk to him. He's likely at "the looking around for something new" phase, kinda standard for the end of the 3rd month of dating certain guys. Forget him.
posted by discopolo at 7:21 AM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

The early days should be easy. They should be fun. Each person should be doing their utmost to show up and participate.

Lots of people don't get that, lots of people have various types of baggage that prevent them from doing that.

It doesn't matter, really.

This may be the best he can do at this time. That doesn't mean you have to accept it. His best is not good enough for you. That is what matters.

His behavior doesn't make you happy. That's reason enough to walk away. Don't call, don't text, just let it go.
posted by gsh at 7:47 AM on March 8, 2015 [13 favorites]

I don't think there's ever been an instance in the history of AskMetafilter where contacting just one last time has had the desired result. The only thing it might do is make you feel humiliated. Ask me how I know.

And asking him if it's over so you can move on? He doesn't get to decide, and you don't need his permission. He hasn't shown you the interest or attention one would expect if he was into you. No one needs that. Your time is worth more, and he's wasting it. Don't contact him, just walk away and prepare to be relieved at not having that annoying drain on your emotions.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:56 AM on March 8, 2015 [40 favorites]

I would advise contacting one more time, for yourself and for closure. Something along the lines of "Hey it was great knowing you, seems like you have other priorities. That's cool; I understand. Take care of yourself."

Then delete his number/unfollow/etc, and move on to a guy who says FUCK YEAH and not meh.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:01 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Especially when you're really really busy and stressed out, that special someone is the bright spot in your day and you always make time for them because it makes you happy to see them or hear their voice, even seeing their name pop up in your text messages makes you smile. Everyone has time for a text message.

I'm sorry he doesn't see you as the bright spot in his day. Could be for so many reasons but don't waste your time guessing. Let it go. Don't contact him again. You risk your dignity. Just move on.
posted by stellathon at 8:12 AM on March 8, 2015 [9 favorites]

Move On Dot Org on this one.
He's showing you through his actions that it's over; take that hint, move on, learn the lesson and get the heck out of Dodge.
Also make sure to unfriend, unfollow, block, detonate and just generally have nothing to do with him.
Then of course, get out there and knock 'em dead, Tiger!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 8:26 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Yeah you don't need to ask if it's over. It's over. If you want some closure, you could email or text him and tell him you're moving on but that's it.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:30 AM on March 8, 2015

Back when I was a single woman, I became a Dating Ninja. I could suss you out in one date. This is on the dating ninja hit list. The love of your life won't leave you twisting in the wind, wondering. When they want you, they go out of their way to make it happen.

Have no shame and no fear for asking and getting what you want in this life, romantically and every other way. Guy is not as demonstrative as you need him to be. He's now technically standing in the way of your happiness. You can do better.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 8:31 AM on March 8, 2015 [14 favorites]

Hells yes it is time to move on. But, why on earth are you waiting for him to give you permission with his continued silence? He's not the boss of you. ProTip: it's a good idea to keep dating people simultaneously until you choose to make a firm commitment to be exclusive with one person. If, in the first 6 months of the relationship, a hetero woman writes an "is he into me?" AskMe, it pretty much always means it's high time for her to bounce. Keep it moving!
posted by hush at 9:04 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Here is the content of the last voicemail I left for my "Object d'schmoop" last October:

"Hey. So...I know you're busy, but it's been a month since you even reponded at all to any message I left you. And...well, I hope it wasn't something I said, haha...but...yeah. So, well, you know how to reach me if you decide you ever want to again, and in the meantime, take care and thanks. Bye."

It's a soft goodbye, in that it leaves the door open in case HE ever decides to get off his ass, but it also sends the message that you are done waiting.

As for me, I made myself stop waiting. If he'd called me right back, that'd be one thing...but he didn't. So that was that. (It also helped that my roommate asked if he'd ever called back, and when I said no, he looked positively scandalized and said, "well, THAT's just RUDE!" So if you can have someone be offended on your behalf, it helps.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:18 AM on March 8, 2015 [10 favorites]

Now I'm wondering if I should send him a brief text or call and ask if it's over so i can move on?

You don't need to ask him if it's over. You can decide for yourself that it's over.
posted by headnsouth at 3:39 PM on March 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

Stop contacting him, start going on other dates. Optional: Send a last message first like, "Hey, let me know if you ever get some free time." (Subtext: ball's in your court permanently, I ain't chasing you or making no more effort.)

Don't think of this as a break-up, it barely deserves the term. Possibly he will get his shit together and want you back and it couldn't hurt at that point to say something like: "oh Saturday I have a date but Friday is fine." To let him know the score.
posted by quincunx at 5:05 PM on March 8, 2015

Yeah, I love the idea of deciding for yourself that YOU'RE done with him and taking back the power. It's much more freeing for you and puts you back in control. I like the idea even more of telling him when he finally calls you back in a fortnight or whatever (guys like him almost always do, they somehow think that they can leave you and pick you up whenever they feel like it) that you never heard back from him, assumed you were over and now you're seeing someone else. You wish him all the best though... Snooze you lose, buddy.

(Seriously, please tell me you'll do this, I would love it if at least one woman serves it up to these guys that perpetually leaves us twisting in the wind.)
posted by Jubey at 6:15 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

This is *probably* a slow fade, but you mentioned an event he has coming up & depending on what that is, & the other logistics of his life, he could be genuinely busy & just not handling things well. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but it's something that's fixable with a conversation & isn't about how much he likes you. It also sounds like if you just drop it, it will nag at you. Personally, I like the suggestions upthread that let you confirm via text what you suspect, that it's over, but in a classy, chill way. I wouldn't go through all the Facebook & social media shenanigans, just block him from your feed so you don't see him,if you want, and you won't undermine the low-key nature of this approach. Either he will breathe a sigh of relief or he will scramble to fix it with an "oh shit" ringing in his ears. Regardless of which he does, you will take the power back from him, give yourself closure, & won't need to wonder, "what if." Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 7:18 PM on March 8, 2015

Sounds like the end of a 3 day affair that lasted for 6 weeks. If you have to ask this question about a relationship, it really is over and there will be no pleasant surprises. Dismiss, ignore, move on.
posted by ptm at 1:23 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you everyone... He called me to say sorry, that he's been rubbish. He said he is too busy with his preparations at work for a relationship, but likes me a lot... and wants to meet this week to talk and still wants to see me. It was a nice conversation but I told him I couldn't see him to talk. He wants me in his life but I am looking at his actions which tell me otherwise... Sad to think how we went through all this, all these nice dates and moments, for him to just get cold feet!
posted by akita at 2:45 PM on March 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: I'll be someone's bright spot in their day, not someone they feel guilty about for ignoring.
posted by akita at 2:46 PM on March 9, 2015 [12 favorites]

Yes you will :)
posted by stellathon at 3:03 PM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

Go, Akita! *Applause*
posted by lillian.elmtree at 6:39 AM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

You rock. :) Go get 'em!
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:20 AM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]