How do I cope with and process this intense emotional connection?
March 7, 2015 12:23 AM Subscribe
Dated someone, felt intensely emotionally (but not physically?) attracted to them, but things fizzled out. Now re-connected as friends and those feelings are coming back, but something's still missing. Need some perspective from others who've been here before.
Long story short: about six months ago, this person and I went on a couple of dates, made out a little, and spent the night together, although we didn't have sex. In retrospect, it feels like we might've gotten physical a bit too soon, and it fizzled out after that, though I'm not sure why. It kind of felt like something was missing, even though I felt an intense emotional attraction to them that I just couldn't really let go of, even in the months since. I dated other people in the meantime, but I felt like nobody I met could really measure up to this person personality-wise. That, or I just couldn't connect to them for whatever reason.
A couple of weeks ago, we re-connected and decided to catch up and hang out as friends, with dating off the table; I said I didn't really want to date them, and they me. So went ahead and hung out a couple of days ago, played board games, cooked dinner together, and talked about everything and nothing under the sun. I had a fantastic time, and I think they did too. We talked about doing games and dinner again at my place and about other plans we could end up making in the future, so there's a good chance we'll be seeing each other again.
However, I'm not sure yet if our decision to catch up was a good one or not. It was good in that seeing them again let me knock them off of the pedestal my mind had built up for them and to which I came back to every so often in the months since we first met, and bad, in that it rekindled that overwhelmingly, incredibly intense emotional attraction that I felt (feel?) for them. I don't know how to describe it, but out of all the people I've met in my life, nobody's seemed as unique or had as an amazing personality as this person. I certainly can't think of anybody with whom I've ever been more compatible, or connected more easily with — not even my best friends.
This person is so kind, thoughtful, funny, hard-working, adventurous, intelligent, and just simply so present in a way I've never seen combined in one package in anyone before, ever. We're two huge nerds and we have so much in common that it hurts. But while they're cute, I don't think I feel physically attracted to them. That is, I don't really feel like I want to jump their bones or anything. I just want to spend time with them; it feels like simply savoring the present moment with them is good enough. It's kind of hard to describe. Maybe it's because the emotional side of things on my end is so powerful, it's smothering and snuffing out any physical feelings before they have the chance to develop.
This is going to sound kind of corny, but I can't bring myself to think too much about them or the connection I feel to them without also feeling this overwhelming surge of emotion and my eyes starting to well up. It's still an incredibly beautiful feeling and I feel grateful to have had the chance to experience it. It makes me feel so alive. But at the same time, I feel like we'll never go anywhere. There's something missing. So there's a sense of, I don't know, melancholy mixed in with it all, and, well, I just don't know how to cope with this wacky mixture of emotions. I want something more than friends, but not quite a relationship, and I don't think that's going to be possible. I mean, I can, and am hanging out with and dating other people, though it just feels like nobody else quite measures up. They're nice, but I can't really connect with them or see myself wanting to spend more time with them. Maybe that's because my emotions are tied up here and I don't have any space to let others in, I don't know.
I'm at a loss as to where to go from here, and to how to process it all. Do I try to rein in my feelings somewhat, spend more time with this person, and hope it all comes together down the line? Or do I cut my losses, and try to refocus my attention on other prospects? I know the chances of everything somehow sorting themselves out aren't good, but then again, I can't see myself meeting someone new who makes me feel this way, yet who's able to fill in what seems missing, anytime soon, if ever. And that's kind of profoundly terrifying to think about.
Long story short: about six months ago, this person and I went on a couple of dates, made out a little, and spent the night together, although we didn't have sex. In retrospect, it feels like we might've gotten physical a bit too soon, and it fizzled out after that, though I'm not sure why. It kind of felt like something was missing, even though I felt an intense emotional attraction to them that I just couldn't really let go of, even in the months since. I dated other people in the meantime, but I felt like nobody I met could really measure up to this person personality-wise. That, or I just couldn't connect to them for whatever reason.
A couple of weeks ago, we re-connected and decided to catch up and hang out as friends, with dating off the table; I said I didn't really want to date them, and they me. So went ahead and hung out a couple of days ago, played board games, cooked dinner together, and talked about everything and nothing under the sun. I had a fantastic time, and I think they did too. We talked about doing games and dinner again at my place and about other plans we could end up making in the future, so there's a good chance we'll be seeing each other again.
However, I'm not sure yet if our decision to catch up was a good one or not. It was good in that seeing them again let me knock them off of the pedestal my mind had built up for them and to which I came back to every so often in the months since we first met, and bad, in that it rekindled that overwhelmingly, incredibly intense emotional attraction that I felt (feel?) for them. I don't know how to describe it, but out of all the people I've met in my life, nobody's seemed as unique or had as an amazing personality as this person. I certainly can't think of anybody with whom I've ever been more compatible, or connected more easily with — not even my best friends.
This person is so kind, thoughtful, funny, hard-working, adventurous, intelligent, and just simply so present in a way I've never seen combined in one package in anyone before, ever. We're two huge nerds and we have so much in common that it hurts. But while they're cute, I don't think I feel physically attracted to them. That is, I don't really feel like I want to jump their bones or anything. I just want to spend time with them; it feels like simply savoring the present moment with them is good enough. It's kind of hard to describe. Maybe it's because the emotional side of things on my end is so powerful, it's smothering and snuffing out any physical feelings before they have the chance to develop.
This is going to sound kind of corny, but I can't bring myself to think too much about them or the connection I feel to them without also feeling this overwhelming surge of emotion and my eyes starting to well up. It's still an incredibly beautiful feeling and I feel grateful to have had the chance to experience it. It makes me feel so alive. But at the same time, I feel like we'll never go anywhere. There's something missing. So there's a sense of, I don't know, melancholy mixed in with it all, and, well, I just don't know how to cope with this wacky mixture of emotions. I want something more than friends, but not quite a relationship, and I don't think that's going to be possible. I mean, I can, and am hanging out with and dating other people, though it just feels like nobody else quite measures up. They're nice, but I can't really connect with them or see myself wanting to spend more time with them. Maybe that's because my emotions are tied up here and I don't have any space to let others in, I don't know.
I'm at a loss as to where to go from here, and to how to process it all. Do I try to rein in my feelings somewhat, spend more time with this person, and hope it all comes together down the line? Or do I cut my losses, and try to refocus my attention on other prospects? I know the chances of everything somehow sorting themselves out aren't good, but then again, I can't see myself meeting someone new who makes me feel this way, yet who's able to fill in what seems missing, anytime soon, if ever. And that's kind of profoundly terrifying to think about.
I only sort of know what you mean. I've fallen in love, and I've gotten really excited by new friends, but this sounds like some kind of head-over-heels friend-love that's new to me.
I think you need to get some idea of how this person feels about you, if they are thinking of this as romantic dating or if you're just having a deep connection as friends. If you've fallen into some deep, mutual friend-love, great. But if you're falling in friend-love and this person is falling in love-love, you could be headed for some real drama and confusion. If you're not feeling a romantic spark, you shouldn't try to force that and the other person should probably know it. Here's hoping you're both on the same page.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:16 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you need to get some idea of how this person feels about you, if they are thinking of this as romantic dating or if you're just having a deep connection as friends. If you've fallen into some deep, mutual friend-love, great. But if you're falling in friend-love and this person is falling in love-love, you could be headed for some real drama and confusion. If you're not feeling a romantic spark, you shouldn't try to force that and the other person should probably know it. Here's hoping you're both on the same page.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:16 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) This person is a friend. Welcome to the wonderful world of friendship! Now, granted, you may be a bit overwhelmed by your powerful feelings for this person, but they will decrescendo over time and as you get to know each other.
2) Relax! Don't be overthinking this. Be in the moment. Enjoy this person's company. It is possible to feel this way for not just a lover, but with a friend who could be someone that you know over your lifetime, full of victories, defeats, sadness and happiness in your lives that you share with each other.
3) Good news! If there's one person out there that you feel this way for, but don't want to jump their bones, that means that there's also at LEAST one person out there that you feel this way for and you DO want to jump their bones. Start this search immediately while you enjoy this person's friendship.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 3:20 AM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
2) Relax! Don't be overthinking this. Be in the moment. Enjoy this person's company. It is possible to feel this way for not just a lover, but with a friend who could be someone that you know over your lifetime, full of victories, defeats, sadness and happiness in your lives that you share with each other.
3) Good news! If there's one person out there that you feel this way for, but don't want to jump their bones, that means that there's also at LEAST one person out there that you feel this way for and you DO want to jump their bones. Start this search immediately while you enjoy this person's friendship.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 3:20 AM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sounds like the potential beginnings to a queerplatonic relationship! Welcome to experiencing a super rarified and beautiful form of relationship, it is so blissful. The Asexuality community has such useful paradigms and language when it comes to talking about different types of relationships.
"Queerplatonic is a word for describing relationships where an intense emotional connection transcending what people usually think of as ‘friendship’ is present, but the relationship is not romantic in nature; people in a queerplatonic relationship may think of themselves as partners, may plan on spending their lives together, etc. The ‘queer’ is a reference to the idea of queering relationships and ideas about relationships, not for describing the orientations or genders of anyone in a queerplatonic relationship. Anyone, sexual or asexual, romantic or aromantic, straight, gay, queer, bi, lesbian, poly, cis, trans, etc etc can be in a queerplatonic relationship, can have more than one such relationship."
http://qpadvice.tumblr.com/faq
http://se-smith.tumblr.com/post/2868581031/word-of-the-day-queerplatonic
posted by yueliang at 4:56 AM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
"Queerplatonic is a word for describing relationships where an intense emotional connection transcending what people usually think of as ‘friendship’ is present, but the relationship is not romantic in nature; people in a queerplatonic relationship may think of themselves as partners, may plan on spending their lives together, etc. The ‘queer’ is a reference to the idea of queering relationships and ideas about relationships, not for describing the orientations or genders of anyone in a queerplatonic relationship. Anyone, sexual or asexual, romantic or aromantic, straight, gay, queer, bi, lesbian, poly, cis, trans, etc etc can be in a queerplatonic relationship, can have more than one such relationship."
http://qpadvice.tumblr.com/faq
http://se-smith.tumblr.com/post/2868581031/word-of-the-day-queerplatonic
posted by yueliang at 4:56 AM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Run with it and enjoy it without thinking about the future. You have absolutely nothing to lose! It sounds like your intense emotions are scaring you so you feel like you need to rein them in or redirect them, but unless this person begins doing harm to your life, enjoy the thrill.
posted by metasarah at 5:58 AM on March 7, 2015
posted by metasarah at 5:58 AM on March 7, 2015
I've had a good few friendlimerence experiences in the past: meet someone, be amazed by their talent or honesty or overall excellence as a human being, want to spend lots of time with them, think about them constantly, associate them with songs, analyze and savor stuff they said to me, all the crush-y things but without particularly wanting to have sex.
Once or twice this has been strong enough that I worried that it might start to mess with my romantic commitments, because this has happened to me even while I was in serious monogamous partnerships.
I don't know whether you will find this to be good news or bad news, but for me usually the limerence wears off after a while, leaving me with a more normal level of friendship. So now when this happens I just chill, enjoy the fuzzy feelings and wait it out.
posted by shattersock at 1:19 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Once or twice this has been strong enough that I worried that it might start to mess with my romantic commitments, because this has happened to me even while I was in serious monogamous partnerships.
I don't know whether you will find this to be good news or bad news, but for me usually the limerence wears off after a while, leaving me with a more normal level of friendship. So now when this happens I just chill, enjoy the fuzzy feelings and wait it out.
posted by shattersock at 1:19 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
People can connect with each other in many different ways, that's ok... just keep yourself safe as much is still unknown.
posted by tanktop at 1:45 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]