Are these shallow reasons for breaking up with my boyfriend?
March 6, 2015 9:53 AM Subscribe
Help me decide whether or not to go forward with this relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for four months. I know, that doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but we started sleeping over at each others’ places every night about two weeks into the relationship, and we spend almost all of our free time together, so it feels like we’ve been together for longer.
My boyfriend has so many qualities I have always wanted in a partner. He is genuinely kind, an unbelievable good person, family-oriented, has very strong values, is tall and handsome, and is very attentive to me. He is a simple guy with lots of integrity and he is very hardworking. He is in graduate school in the sciences and will most likely be getting a PhD. (He wants to be a professor or do consulting work.) He is great in social situations, very levelheaded, we have a great time together a lot of the time, etc.
However, there are a few areas of our relationship that need serious help. He basically shows little to no interest in having sex with me. At the very beginning, things were hot between the two of us. Four months in, and I can’t remember the last time we made out. We sleep naked next to each other, cuddle, kiss each other quite a bit, but we almost never “hook up.” I am a sexually motivated person, and I know how amazing great sex can be. I know how much it can bond people in a relationship and smooth over other areas that are rough or difficult. However, we simply seem to lack much chemistry in that area. My boyfriend has told me he is simply not that sexually motivated, and that since he was religious for most of his life, he trained himself not to think about sex or be motivated by it. He rarely initiates anything other than a hand job (he doesn’t really seem to care for me going down on him, and he does not like to go down on me. I love giving oral sex, it really turns me on, but he is ambivalent about it). One of the biggest things that turns me on is knowing my partner is attracted to me/wants me. Because my boyfriend is so apathetic, it is difficult for me to get turned on with him. Basically, the whole situation leaves me feeling undesired and like my sex life is dead.
Another issue is that he doesn’t seem to enjoy doing things I like to do. In my ideal world, we’d get dressed up and go for a nice dinner once or twice a month. Or at least we’d go get a cocktail and see a movie. I’d love to have a glass of wine together once or twice a week, or a cup of coffee in the morning. He doesn’t like the taste of alcohol or coffee, and doesn’t like to spend money going out. He wants to camp and rock climb during every free weekend, and rock climb in the gym during free time during the week. I would happily camp once a month or once every six weeks, but I don’t want to spend all my free time rock climbing and/or camping. While I do these things quite a bit for him, we rarely do things I want to do. Ironically, he climbs for at least 7-10 hours a week but doesn’t seem interested in hooking up with me for even 1 hour a week.
Other issues include the fact that I am infertile and kind of ambivalent about trying to have kids one day (through surrogacy or adoption), while I know he is disappointed that I can't have his children and he is dead set on having a family. He is also not very motivated at all by making enough money to have a comfortable lifestyle, and I wish he was more motivated to have nice things and not always feel poor (especially if he wants me to be the stay-at-home mom of our children someday, which he does).
All in all, I am 24 and am worried that I would be stupid to break up with him for shallow reasons (like wanting to go out more often and have a better sex life). My boyfriend is unbelievably kind and good at his core. He is handsome, capable, and loving. We make each other laugh all the time and I feel so safe in our relationship. I don’t want to break up with him for shallow reasons, hurt him in the process, and then not be able to ever find someone as great as him again. I worry I’d be making a huge mistake by ending this relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for four months. I know, that doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but we started sleeping over at each others’ places every night about two weeks into the relationship, and we spend almost all of our free time together, so it feels like we’ve been together for longer.
My boyfriend has so many qualities I have always wanted in a partner. He is genuinely kind, an unbelievable good person, family-oriented, has very strong values, is tall and handsome, and is very attentive to me. He is a simple guy with lots of integrity and he is very hardworking. He is in graduate school in the sciences and will most likely be getting a PhD. (He wants to be a professor or do consulting work.) He is great in social situations, very levelheaded, we have a great time together a lot of the time, etc.
However, there are a few areas of our relationship that need serious help. He basically shows little to no interest in having sex with me. At the very beginning, things were hot between the two of us. Four months in, and I can’t remember the last time we made out. We sleep naked next to each other, cuddle, kiss each other quite a bit, but we almost never “hook up.” I am a sexually motivated person, and I know how amazing great sex can be. I know how much it can bond people in a relationship and smooth over other areas that are rough or difficult. However, we simply seem to lack much chemistry in that area. My boyfriend has told me he is simply not that sexually motivated, and that since he was religious for most of his life, he trained himself not to think about sex or be motivated by it. He rarely initiates anything other than a hand job (he doesn’t really seem to care for me going down on him, and he does not like to go down on me. I love giving oral sex, it really turns me on, but he is ambivalent about it). One of the biggest things that turns me on is knowing my partner is attracted to me/wants me. Because my boyfriend is so apathetic, it is difficult for me to get turned on with him. Basically, the whole situation leaves me feeling undesired and like my sex life is dead.
Another issue is that he doesn’t seem to enjoy doing things I like to do. In my ideal world, we’d get dressed up and go for a nice dinner once or twice a month. Or at least we’d go get a cocktail and see a movie. I’d love to have a glass of wine together once or twice a week, or a cup of coffee in the morning. He doesn’t like the taste of alcohol or coffee, and doesn’t like to spend money going out. He wants to camp and rock climb during every free weekend, and rock climb in the gym during free time during the week. I would happily camp once a month or once every six weeks, but I don’t want to spend all my free time rock climbing and/or camping. While I do these things quite a bit for him, we rarely do things I want to do. Ironically, he climbs for at least 7-10 hours a week but doesn’t seem interested in hooking up with me for even 1 hour a week.
Other issues include the fact that I am infertile and kind of ambivalent about trying to have kids one day (through surrogacy or adoption), while I know he is disappointed that I can't have his children and he is dead set on having a family. He is also not very motivated at all by making enough money to have a comfortable lifestyle, and I wish he was more motivated to have nice things and not always feel poor (especially if he wants me to be the stay-at-home mom of our children someday, which he does).
All in all, I am 24 and am worried that I would be stupid to break up with him for shallow reasons (like wanting to go out more often and have a better sex life). My boyfriend is unbelievably kind and good at his core. He is handsome, capable, and loving. We make each other laugh all the time and I feel so safe in our relationship. I don’t want to break up with him for shallow reasons, hurt him in the process, and then not be able to ever find someone as great as him again. I worry I’d be making a huge mistake by ending this relationship.
Here is the only good reason to break up with someone: because you want to.
This is a terrible match. Many men are handsome, capable, and loving. Lots of people are nice. You are not obligated to the first one that shows up.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2015 [49 favorites]
This is a terrible match. Many men are handsome, capable, and loving. Lots of people are nice. You are not obligated to the first one that shows up.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2015 [49 favorites]
Nope. Those are good reasons. Move on.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
If these things are issues now, four months in, they are likely to be bigger issues four years in. If you don't feel it, end the relationship. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be based on BIG ISSUES (though what you've listed doesn't seem shallow to me, either).
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:58 AM on March 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:58 AM on March 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
Wanting to do things you both like together & wanting to have a good sex life are not shallow reasons. I can see the sex rate dropping off a little over time, 4 months is way too short a time frame for that to happen in and makes me worry what it would be like a year in. You have the permission of a stranger on the internet to break up for these reasons.
posted by wwax at 9:59 AM on March 6, 2015
posted by wwax at 9:59 AM on March 6, 2015
Wanting a better sex life is not a shallow reason for breaking up with someone. Sex is important for building intimacy, and this guy seems like he's more intimate with rocks than with you!
At 24, he's not the last you you'll meet. There are plenty of kind, good-looking men who will be more compatible with you, in ways that you may not even conceive of right now.
posted by Everydayville at 9:59 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
At 24, he's not the last you you'll meet. There are plenty of kind, good-looking men who will be more compatible with you, in ways that you may not even conceive of right now.
posted by Everydayville at 9:59 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
He basically shows little to no interest in having sex with me.
I was reading along before this and was like, hmm, yes sounds like a nice person "on paper," four months isn't such a long time to decide quite yet, but that sentence was like a record scratch for me. Imbalance in sexual desire isn't a superficial or shallow reason to end a relationship. The going out thing can be worked out in time, some people just go out with their friends more if they have a homebody partner, but it definitely can cause problems over time if people want to be partners who do more activities together. But not feeling desired in a relationship is a huge red flag.
posted by zutalors! at 9:59 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was reading along before this and was like, hmm, yes sounds like a nice person "on paper," four months isn't such a long time to decide quite yet, but that sentence was like a record scratch for me. Imbalance in sexual desire isn't a superficial or shallow reason to end a relationship. The going out thing can be worked out in time, some people just go out with their friends more if they have a homebody partner, but it definitely can cause problems over time if people want to be partners who do more activities together. But not feeling desired in a relationship is a huge red flag.
posted by zutalors! at 9:59 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nope. It's not a shallow reason at all. There are women for whom your boyfriend's attitude toward sex would absolutely suit them down to the ground. You should let him go to find one of them, and go find someone who isn't wildly incompatible in, like, one of the most important ways there is.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:01 AM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:01 AM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Wanting to have a better sex life is not a shallow reason to break up. That is probably the deal-killer behind a large fraction of all break-ups.
And kids is a huge factor. You two really need to be enthusiastically on the same page about that.
Your boyfriend can be a great guy, and your relationship can be great in a lot of ways and still not work out. It's tough.
posted by adamrice at 10:01 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
And kids is a huge factor. You two really need to be enthusiastically on the same page about that.
Your boyfriend can be a great guy, and your relationship can be great in a lot of ways and still not work out. It's tough.
posted by adamrice at 10:01 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Sexual compatibility is really important in a relationship and it is not at all shallow to want a partner who wants you. If you've only been dating for four months, then that means you're still sort of in the honeymoon period, even if you've been seeing a lot of each other. Which means that for the rest of your relationship, you will probably have less sex than you are having right now. There are lots of great guys out there. But if you hold onto a guy who is an okay fit, but can't meet some of your big needs, because you are scared of being alone forever, then you are also holding yourself back from meeting someone who is a better fit for you.
posted by colfax at 10:02 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by colfax at 10:02 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
While I do these things quite a bit for him, we rarely do things I want to do. Ironically, he climbs for at least 7-10 hours a week but doesn’t seem interested in hooking up with me for even 1 hour a week.
This is what I read, here: "He doesn't respect my preferences and he doesn't make me feel appreciated or cared for."
That's not shallow.
posted by meese at 10:02 AM on March 6, 2015 [22 favorites]
This is what I read, here: "He doesn't respect my preferences and he doesn't make me feel appreciated or cared for."
That's not shallow.
posted by meese at 10:02 AM on March 6, 2015 [22 favorites]
I worry I’d be making a huge mistake by ending this relationship.
Why?
Seriously, you have identified two major areas in which you seem to be fundamentally incompatible. Do you believe that he is the sole person you will ever encounter with whom you will only have two major fundamental incompatibilities?
posted by Etrigan at 10:02 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why?
Seriously, you have identified two major areas in which you seem to be fundamentally incompatible. Do you believe that he is the sole person you will ever encounter with whom you will only have two major fundamental incompatibilities?
posted by Etrigan at 10:02 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
These are all incredibly good reasons to break up.
posted by corvine at 10:04 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by corvine at 10:04 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you need strangers to tell you whether it's okay to leave a 4-month relationship, then the answer is always going to be get out of the relationship.
posted by cecic at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by cecic at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Whoa wow. I actually stopped reading after the sex part because that was sufficient reason to end things right there. Then I read the rest!
Good lord woman, there's no reason in the world for you to date this man! It's so common for women in their early 20s to think they have to spend their lives with whatever person is "nice" and stable. But this man and you have nothing whatsoever in common, you don't have compatible future visions, you don't have compatible interests, and you don't even have hot sex holding it all together!
Learn it now and learn it forever: YOU DON'T DATE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE NICE. YOU DATE THEM BECAUSE YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE WITH THEM IN IT.
Plenty of men like coffee and wine, plenty of men would rather spend more time under a roof than not. Plenty of men like sex! And oral sex! And plenty of men would not be vaguely sad and disappointed about a physical condition that you cannot change. Get out there and find those men!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2015 [71 favorites]
Good lord woman, there's no reason in the world for you to date this man! It's so common for women in their early 20s to think they have to spend their lives with whatever person is "nice" and stable. But this man and you have nothing whatsoever in common, you don't have compatible future visions, you don't have compatible interests, and you don't even have hot sex holding it all together!
Learn it now and learn it forever: YOU DON'T DATE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE NICE. YOU DATE THEM BECAUSE YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE WITH THEM IN IT.
Plenty of men like coffee and wine, plenty of men would rather spend more time under a roof than not. Plenty of men like sex! And oral sex! And plenty of men would not be vaguely sad and disappointed about a physical condition that you cannot change. Get out there and find those men!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2015 [71 favorites]
Sex is not a shallow reason! Thats sorta the point, right? If it weren't , you'd just make friends with a female and call it a day
posted by eq21 at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by eq21 at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
My finger is tired from liking all the good DTMFA type advice above. Sometimes people don't match. Pull the plug now while you aren't soooo invested.
posted by chasles at 10:10 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by chasles at 10:10 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Go back and read all the Dan Savage columns from people who knew they had mismatched libidos with their partner but went ahead and married them anyway, and have been miserable for decades.
posted by matildaben at 10:14 AM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 10:14 AM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
I kind of get the vibe that you feel guilty for bringing sex into this. I don't think you should feel guilty about it, but ok - forget the sex for now.
Even if your sex life with this guy was great, there are other major incompatibilities here. Not wanting the same thing out of leisure time, having wildly different feelings about money, and disagreeing about whether and how to raise children - AND having a partner who expects you to compromise but won't do the same for you - would be reason enough to leave this guy even if he gave you screaming orgasms twice a day. It doesn't make him a bad dude. He sounds like a great dude, but not YOUR great dude.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:14 AM on March 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
Even if your sex life with this guy was great, there are other major incompatibilities here. Not wanting the same thing out of leisure time, having wildly different feelings about money, and disagreeing about whether and how to raise children - AND having a partner who expects you to compromise but won't do the same for you - would be reason enough to leave this guy even if he gave you screaming orgasms twice a day. It doesn't make him a bad dude. He sounds like a great dude, but not YOUR great dude.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:14 AM on March 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
He is SO nice that (if you don't break up now) you will end up getting so much more involved with this guy emotionally that this will likely become more serious and you will be immensely frustrated about not getting enough sex as well as pressures over not being able to have children. MOVE ON.
posted by heartofglass at 10:16 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by heartofglass at 10:16 AM on March 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
He sounds like a great best friend. Be a good friend and break up with him. Seriously, you two do not fit at all. There are better options out there for both of you. Be honest and kind when you break up with him because it really does sound like he would be a terrific buddy.
posted by myselfasme at 10:17 AM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 10:17 AM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Adding to the chorus that these are 100% legit reasons for breaking up with someone. Someone can be a great person but not the best person for you. You are very lucky to figure this out 4 months in and not 4 years in.
posted by desjardins at 10:17 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 10:17 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
wanting to go out more often and have a better sex life
These are reasons to break up with all by themselves, but especially because he has shown little to no interest in helping you improve these areas himself.
posted by Gelatin at 10:23 AM on March 6, 2015
These are reasons to break up with all by themselves, but especially because he has shown little to no interest in helping you improve these areas himself.
posted by Gelatin at 10:23 AM on March 6, 2015
Look at it from his perspective too - he could write a question about a partner who wants more sex than he does, who doesn't want kids, who doesn't share his passion for rock climbing, who wants a different standard of living. We'd all tell him to break up with you, even though there's nothing wrong with who you are.
posted by desjardins at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
Not only do you have a bad sex life (in a 4 month old relationship!!!!!) but you guys also have fundamental differences in some other really, really crucial areas (kids, social life, alcohol).
If these things are all important to you, then sorry, but this relationship is going nowhere FAST and you should break things off before you waste anymore time invested in this relationship.
Trust me - I've dated "Extreme Climbing" guy and if you're not into it on the same level he is, it will come between you in no time.
posted by JenThePro at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
If these things are all important to you, then sorry, but this relationship is going nowhere FAST and you should break things off before you waste anymore time invested in this relationship.
Trust me - I've dated "Extreme Climbing" guy and if you're not into it on the same level he is, it will come between you in no time.
posted by JenThePro at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Those aren't shallow reasons. The sex alone is a good, non-shallow reason and the other stuff (kids, the importance of money, differing interests and a lack of flexibility on his part with regard to spending time not rock climbing) are also big issues.
posted by Area Man at 10:32 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Area Man at 10:32 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
It won't get better. Ever. Don't sacrifice your happiness.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:34 AM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Omnomnom at 10:34 AM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don’t want to break up with him for shallow reasons, hurt him in the process, and then not be able to ever find someone as great as him again.
You may never have experienced (and if not, I hope you never do) the despair and loneliness that comes from being in a long-term relationship with someone that you are growing to resent. And I think if you spent more time suppressing your needs while still trying to meet his, you will start resenting him. Even if you never found anyone as great as he is, I doubt you could be happy in a long-term relationship with him.
Ending it now gives you a wonderful chance to keep your friendship intact and lots of time to find partners whose needs mesh with yours.
posted by gladly at 10:36 AM on March 6, 2015 [12 favorites]
You may never have experienced (and if not, I hope you never do) the despair and loneliness that comes from being in a long-term relationship with someone that you are growing to resent. And I think if you spent more time suppressing your needs while still trying to meet his, you will start resenting him. Even if you never found anyone as great as he is, I doubt you could be happy in a long-term relationship with him.
Ending it now gives you a wonderful chance to keep your friendship intact and lots of time to find partners whose needs mesh with yours.
posted by gladly at 10:36 AM on March 6, 2015 [12 favorites]
Not shallow reasons. Perfectly legit reasons.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:39 AM on March 6, 2015
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:39 AM on March 6, 2015
OP, if you are a regular MeFite, you probably recognize how rare it is for a relationship thread to be completely unanimous here. Take that basically-a-unicorn level of agreement for the sign that it is!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:39 AM on March 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:39 AM on March 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
It wouldn't even matter if they were shallow reasons; you want to break up with him is reason enough.
For the record, the reasons are pretty much the opposite of shallow.
posted by gaspode at 10:41 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
For the record, the reasons are pretty much the opposite of shallow.
posted by gaspode at 10:41 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
As previously stated, you don't have to have a reason for breaking up. Relationships are about feelings, so "because I feel like it" is a perfectly valid reason. He's not going to sue you for unlawful firing.
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, so I can see why you're feeling ambivalent about ending the relationship. The thing is, he's not the right guy for you. You will be happier with someone else. He will also be happier with someone else. Feel no guilt.
posted by aimedwander at 10:42 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, so I can see why you're feeling ambivalent about ending the relationship. The thing is, he's not the right guy for you. You will be happier with someone else. He will also be happier with someone else. Feel no guilt.
posted by aimedwander at 10:42 AM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're only 24. Another man will come along.
The bottom lines are these, as I see them:
1) He wants to do all his stuff and isn't interested in doing your stuff
2) He's not interested in, uh, doing your stuff
3) Kids
The first is fixable with some really annoying adult conversations along the lines of "Okay, you like rock climbing. That's fun for me sometimes. I like going out and doing things together, and flat-out we need to spend more time together doing things I like, too."
The second, since by his own words it's a lifelong pattern, is going to take a lot for him to unpack, and at four months into a relationship I'm not sure, in combination with your age, that it's really worth the time.
The third is also a really, really long-term thing, and again, probably not worth the time it'll take to maybe reach a compromise maybe.
Use Miko's script, and move on. One of the great benefits of ending a relationship quickly is, in my experience, it leads to a much greater likelihood that the two of you will be able to reframe your relationship as close friendship.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:42 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
The bottom lines are these, as I see them:
1) He wants to do all his stuff and isn't interested in doing your stuff
2) He's not interested in, uh, doing your stuff
3) Kids
The first is fixable with some really annoying adult conversations along the lines of "Okay, you like rock climbing. That's fun for me sometimes. I like going out and doing things together, and flat-out we need to spend more time together doing things I like, too."
The second, since by his own words it's a lifelong pattern, is going to take a lot for him to unpack, and at four months into a relationship I'm not sure, in combination with your age, that it's really worth the time.
The third is also a really, really long-term thing, and again, probably not worth the time it'll take to maybe reach a compromise maybe.
Use Miko's script, and move on. One of the great benefits of ending a relationship quickly is, in my experience, it leads to a much greater likelihood that the two of you will be able to reframe your relationship as close friendship.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:42 AM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
The sex thing would be hard for me. The fact that he is ambivalent about sex and doesn't like to give or receive oral sex is going to bother you even more as time goes by. It's going to get so old.
Also, the fact that you can't have children can potentially strain your relationship as time goes on. There are men out there who don't want to have kids.
I agree with others who said you don't have to stay with a guy just because he is nice. The next guy you date might not like coffee or wine either but you don't have to stay with your current boyfriend just because you think you might find another nice guy.
posted by Fairchild at 10:53 AM on March 6, 2015
Also, the fact that you can't have children can potentially strain your relationship as time goes on. There are men out there who don't want to have kids.
I agree with others who said you don't have to stay with a guy just because he is nice. The next guy you date might not like coffee or wine either but you don't have to stay with your current boyfriend just because you think you might find another nice guy.
posted by Fairchild at 10:53 AM on March 6, 2015
Nthing that none of these are shallow reasons and all of them are basic dealbreakers for most people.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:25 AM on March 6, 2015
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:25 AM on March 6, 2015
nope, even one of these alone wouldn't be a shallow reason to break up with someone. do it kindly and go with god imo
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:28 AM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:28 AM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'll add my assent to the previous three dozen people and say, yes, you have perfectly good reasons to break up with him that aren't shallow. I'll also add that your examples (doesn't care about your sexual satisfaction, doesn't compromise about things you like to do) suggest to me that he's rather self-centered. If so, that's certainly not a shallow reason to break up with him. You'd be breaking up with him because of a core aspect of his personality. Maybe he's not so nice after all?
posted by Leontine at 11:39 AM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Leontine at 11:39 AM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
How kind, attentive, and loving can someone be who isn't willing to do the things that make you happy?
It's not shallow to break up with someone for any one of the reasons you've given: lack of sexual chemistry, mismatched sex drives, or incompatibility re: children. Better to do it now, than spend years trying to overcome those fundamental incompatibilities.
posted by culfinglin at 12:08 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's not shallow to break up with someone for any one of the reasons you've given: lack of sexual chemistry, mismatched sex drives, or incompatibility re: children. Better to do it now, than spend years trying to overcome those fundamental incompatibilities.
posted by culfinglin at 12:08 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
A lot of the issues you raise about him are total deal breakers- but only because he doesn't show any signs of wanting to compromise. Obviously the sex issue is more complex, but things like doing things you like as often as you do things he likes, or ideas about money and raising kids, are areas that other guys would be willing to compromise or at least be open to discussion.
posted by MadamM at 12:10 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by MadamM at 12:10 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree with everyone. These are legit reasons. It sounds like he's a great guy, but only in terms of friendship. Move on.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 12:37 PM on March 6, 2015
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 12:37 PM on March 6, 2015
I worry I’d be making a huge mistake by ending this relationship.
You'd be making a huge mistake not ending it, for the sex incompatibility alone. I hope you never have to find out how much damage years of rejection can cause to your mental health.
I know all too well how tempting it can be to hope his or your sex drive will magically change, but they very rarely do - and in your case, it's especially unlikely because he already has a low sex drive so early in the relationship, without any obvious medical or life-stress reasons, and it's been consistent throughout his life.
posted by randomnity at 12:39 PM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
You'd be making a huge mistake not ending it, for the sex incompatibility alone. I hope you never have to find out how much damage years of rejection can cause to your mental health.
I know all too well how tempting it can be to hope his or your sex drive will magically change, but they very rarely do - and in your case, it's especially unlikely because he already has a low sex drive so early in the relationship, without any obvious medical or life-stress reasons, and it's been consistent throughout his life.
posted by randomnity at 12:39 PM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
The kid part is deal breaker enough: steel yourself for the inevitable reaction, end it kindly and move on.
posted by y2karl at 1:45 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by y2karl at 1:45 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're just dating someone (not married or otherwise explicitly committed) then ANY reason is a good enough reason to break up with someone.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:14 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 2:14 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
These are not shallow reasons to break up. And trust me, if you don't break up eventually you will cheat on him with the first person you have a drink with who shows the slightest bit of interest in you. Then you get to break up with a lovely side order of self blame and recrimination.
If you need permission I give it to you. Break up now, it is the kindest thing for both of you.
posted by arha at 2:34 PM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you need permission I give it to you. Break up now, it is the kindest thing for both of you.
posted by arha at 2:34 PM on March 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Not a dissenting voice to all the thoughts above. However, if you find that you want to give it a go, here's something to consider: is he willing to work on any of these things? These are things that are important to you and if a partner is not willing to compromise on the things that are important to you, he is not the partner for you. There will be other things that you need to compromise on in the future and it is really going to suck if the power imbalance you described (he gets his way) continues.
posted by CMcG at 2:35 PM on March 6, 2015
posted by CMcG at 2:35 PM on March 6, 2015
Sex, having kids, drinking habits, shared interests - In the long run these are all majorly valid dealbreakers.
posted by lizbunny at 2:50 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lizbunny at 2:50 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Being on opposite sides of the having kids is a very good reason to break up. There is really no way to reconcile being ambivalent about kids with someone who already knows they want a family except for jumping in and deciding to have kids in the future. He's not going to change his mind and may grow to resent you in the future if he feels like you're keeping him from fulfilling his desire for children. Your infertility adds another layer of difficulty to this - if he's not open to adoption or surrogacy there really is absolutely no way to win, even if you decide you're open to having kids.
This isn't an issue that will go away. Prolonging the relationship just postpones dealing with it - it's only going to get harder as time goes on. I know this all too well from experience and it would have been much easier on both of us if my relationship with my first husband, who didn't want kids - had ended before he became my husband.
posted by sonika at 4:16 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
This isn't an issue that will go away. Prolonging the relationship just postpones dealing with it - it's only going to get harder as time goes on. I know this all too well from experience and it would have been much easier on both of us if my relationship with my first husband, who didn't want kids - had ended before he became my husband.
posted by sonika at 4:16 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Having kids or not is the ultimate un-shallow deal-breaker. There is almost no less shallow deal-breaker, actually.
If you poll the general public about 85% or more are going to say a relationship requires sex. There are a few who may feel sex is superfluous or "shallow" - mostly the very religious, some of the elderly, those with certain health conditions, and the asexual. Almost everyone else cares about sex.
IMO, give it the old college try and explain to him that no sex is a deal-breaker. If things don't improve, move on in complete good conscience.
posted by quincunx at 4:37 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you poll the general public about 85% or more are going to say a relationship requires sex. There are a few who may feel sex is superfluous or "shallow" - mostly the very religious, some of the elderly, those with certain health conditions, and the asexual. Almost everyone else cares about sex.
IMO, give it the old college try and explain to him that no sex is a deal-breaker. If things don't improve, move on in complete good conscience.
posted by quincunx at 4:37 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
"One of the biggest things that turns me on is knowing my partner is attracted to me/wants me."
This is not shallow at all. You are worth being with someone who is attracted to you.
posted by dawkins_7 at 4:45 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is not shallow at all. You are worth being with someone who is attracted to you.
posted by dawkins_7 at 4:45 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I wish I'd known at 24 that all the reasons you listed are more than enough to move on. It doesn't mean he's a bad dude, but he's just not the dude for you. Please listen to the advice you've already received!
posted by oceanview at 6:35 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oceanview at 6:35 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it comes down to whether he is willing to make some changes. If he has a lower sex drive than you that doesn't mean the relationship is unsalvageable but it does mean you'll need to reach some kind of compromise and he'll need to do what it takes to make you feel desired. If you guys are doing more hiking than you want to do but you're not going out like you DO want, that's unfair and it needs to be addressed. If he is as considerate as you say, he should be willing to work with you on this stuff.
The kids issue is just something you'll have to hash out, and if it's going to work one of you is going to have to make some concessions. I'm of the school that nobody should have kids unless they are totally committed to the idea. If you think you will never want kids you need to be upfront about that.
The money issue could also become a big problem down the line if you don't hash it out now. Please take this advice: hash this stuff out now, while you're young and this is new. Don't just evade this stuff, because it is way too easy to spend years evading until the problems finally become too big to evade anymore. Don't build your house on unstable ground.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:07 PM on March 6, 2015
The kids issue is just something you'll have to hash out, and if it's going to work one of you is going to have to make some concessions. I'm of the school that nobody should have kids unless they are totally committed to the idea. If you think you will never want kids you need to be upfront about that.
The money issue could also become a big problem down the line if you don't hash it out now. Please take this advice: hash this stuff out now, while you're young and this is new. Don't just evade this stuff, because it is way too easy to spend years evading until the problems finally become too big to evade anymore. Don't build your house on unstable ground.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:07 PM on March 6, 2015
These reasons are so very much the *opposite* of "shallow" that I wonder if the question beneath your question is "am I worthwhile enough as a person to take action on my own behalf?"
The answer to that is: yes.
posted by macinchik at 11:02 PM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
The answer to that is: yes.
posted by macinchik at 11:02 PM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm really struck by the fact that he doesn't want to have sex with you, and yet he expects you to have his children. He's disappointed that your body won't (is unable to) accommodate his wants but he won't accommodate you in a way that is within his control? I don't think this is a shallow region for you to break up with him. And even if it were, you'd still be allowed to.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 2:39 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 2:39 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I married an otherwise perfect person with whom I was not sexually compatible at all. Four years later, when we couldn't smooth over those bumps with the intimacy and connection sex provides in a relationship, we got divorced. He's still a wonderful person, and I regret that it had to be done. I do not, however, regret doing it. The situation as it was wasn't fair. We both deserve to be with someone who is right for us in that very important way.
I thought it was shallow too. It is so, so very not. But you know that.
(The other reasons are significant too, but even if they're not there the lack of sex is more than sufficient to break down an otherwise seemingly perfect partnership.)
posted by Because at 6:58 AM on March 7, 2015
I thought it was shallow too. It is so, so very not. But you know that.
(The other reasons are significant too, but even if they're not there the lack of sex is more than sufficient to break down an otherwise seemingly perfect partnership.)
posted by Because at 6:58 AM on March 7, 2015
DTMFA. You're infertile and you're ambivalent about ever becoming a mother, and his response was that he's disappointed and he wants you to be a stay-at-home mother to his biological children someday? Wow. That's not a nice man at all.
posted by hush at 7:24 PM on March 8, 2015
posted by hush at 7:24 PM on March 8, 2015
Wow, when I read this I felt like I'd somehow found an old diary entry. I had a very similar experience- my ex was a great guy, but didn't want much sex, and didn't like going out.
I told myself again and again that sex and socialising weren't important, compared to being with someone who loved me and was good to me. And why was I such a spoilt brat who wanted silly things like sex and going out after work anyway?
I stopped initiating sex because it was so shredding to get turned down all the time, and eventually I stopped wanting sex at all, because it was so fraught.
We essentially had completely separate lives after a while, where I'd go off and do fun things with friends and he'd stay at home.
We broke up for these, among other, reasons after nearly 4 years. I wish I had done this before my sex drive and self esteem were in tatters.
But now I am with someone who has a similar sex drive and loves going out and having adventures with me. And do you know what? Maybe those are shallow things, but they are so so so so important to me.
How you spend your time is how you spend your life, and for me, I feel so much happier and more fulfilled when I am having new experiences and feel like I'm making the most of my time on earth.
And being with someone who finds me desirable makes me feel loved, appreciated, safe. I feel like there's no one else he'd rather be with, and it makes it so easy to be good to him.
I promise you these aren't shallow reasons, and the more you tell yourself your feelings are wrong, that you shouldn't feel rejected, that love means compromising what makes you happy, the more it will grind you down.
I wouldn't say your boyfriend is a bad guy- he just wants really different things. And my ex wasn't a bad guy . But after 4 years of fighting and twisting and both always feeling we weren't enough for each other, we sure as shit hate each other now...
I wish I had had the wisdom to walk away before we hurt each other so badly.
posted by Dwardles at 6:50 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I told myself again and again that sex and socialising weren't important, compared to being with someone who loved me and was good to me. And why was I such a spoilt brat who wanted silly things like sex and going out after work anyway?
I stopped initiating sex because it was so shredding to get turned down all the time, and eventually I stopped wanting sex at all, because it was so fraught.
We essentially had completely separate lives after a while, where I'd go off and do fun things with friends and he'd stay at home.
We broke up for these, among other, reasons after nearly 4 years. I wish I had done this before my sex drive and self esteem were in tatters.
But now I am with someone who has a similar sex drive and loves going out and having adventures with me. And do you know what? Maybe those are shallow things, but they are so so so so important to me.
How you spend your time is how you spend your life, and for me, I feel so much happier and more fulfilled when I am having new experiences and feel like I'm making the most of my time on earth.
And being with someone who finds me desirable makes me feel loved, appreciated, safe. I feel like there's no one else he'd rather be with, and it makes it so easy to be good to him.
I promise you these aren't shallow reasons, and the more you tell yourself your feelings are wrong, that you shouldn't feel rejected, that love means compromising what makes you happy, the more it will grind you down.
I wouldn't say your boyfriend is a bad guy- he just wants really different things. And my ex wasn't a bad guy . But after 4 years of fighting and twisting and both always feeling we weren't enough for each other, we sure as shit hate each other now...
I wish I had had the wisdom to walk away before we hurt each other so badly.
posted by Dwardles at 6:50 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
. In my ideal world, we’d get dressed up and go for a nice dinner once or twice a month. Or at least we’d go get a cocktail and see a movie. I’d love to have a glass of wine together once or twice a week, or a cup of coffee in the morning. He doesn’t like the taste of alcohol or coffee, and doesn’t like to spend money going out.
This right here is enough for a fully justified breakup this far into a relationship. It's not shallow on its own.
You can leave.
posted by RainyJay at 10:39 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
This right here is enough for a fully justified breakup this far into a relationship. It's not shallow on its own.
You can leave.
posted by RainyJay at 10:39 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is NOT NOT NOT a shallow reason. It is for many people, including me, a complete deal breaker, no question.
posted by Melismata at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2015 [79 favorites]