How can I be more satisfied with my life as it is right now?
March 5, 2015 11:17 AM Subscribe
Everything in my life is in transition, and it's driving me crazy. I know I am moving towards my goals, but I just want to be settled in at least one aspect of my life. How can I just relax and enjoy my life as it is now? More details inside.
I am trying to improve many aspects of my life because I am just generally unhappy with myself. I know I have low self-esteem, but I can't see myself being satisfied with accepting my life as it is. I am getting stressed out by all the things I'm trying to change, but none of them are more high priority than others because I've put off this kind of change for a while and I am fed up. Anyway, here are some more details:
I graduated from college a few years ago, changed my mind about my career goals, and am now finally inching slightly more quickly to my desired career path (doing a specific technical post-bacc program online). I'm working a part-time office job just to make some money while I do this, but I don't really have any money. I'm applying for some summer internships so that when I finish this program I'll be more qualified for jobs, but I have been rejected from several of them and haven't heard back from the others yet.
I just moved with my boyfriend from Portland to a much smaller resort town in SoCal (my hometown, although my family doesn't live there anymore) for a new job for my bf. While I don't really regret moving for new experiences, I know I don't want to live here long-term because it's ridiculously expensive and I dislike the people here, and even though I was sick of Portland at the time I know I'd rather live there long-term. The internships I applied to are all over the country, so there's always the possibility I won't be here for the summer or more time.
I'm finally making changes to my life to start losing weight, and I've lost 10 lbs so far of the 40-50 I want to lose. It's obviously slow-going, but it's happening.
I'm not sure how to make friends in this new town and there aren't that many people here our age (we're also homebodies) - but I have no money to join activities and I keep thinking well, what's the point of making friends here if we won't be here that long? Additionally, meeting new people and putting myself out there stresses me out because of my self-esteem and so trying to do new things just seems like another "chore" I have to do.
We're not super happy with our rental apartment and I keep an eye out for other options, but I'm always unsure whether it'd be worth it to move again. Our apartment is nice but living underneath our landlords is frustrating. I am hesitant to get "settled" in this apartment because we are not happy with the situation.
Basically, I spent a ton of time wishing I was just settled already. I feel like I've been in transition for like 7 years now. I want an actual house that I can decorate permanently, I want a real job in my career field, I want to be fit, I want to be living in my final location, I just want to be...settled. I know it will happen in time and I'm not that old yet (25), but I just can't ever relax and feel satisfied, because it seems all I work on is some form of "self-improvement" (working on the class, applying for internships, making food, doing chores, looking up self-help stuff on the internet). I feel so unsettled and "undone". What can I do to just relax and enjoy my life as it is right now?
Obligatory notes: I used to have depression and it's eased up quite a bit. I wouldn't say I have depression now. I have seen therapists but did not find the experience helpful.
I am trying to improve many aspects of my life because I am just generally unhappy with myself. I know I have low self-esteem, but I can't see myself being satisfied with accepting my life as it is. I am getting stressed out by all the things I'm trying to change, but none of them are more high priority than others because I've put off this kind of change for a while and I am fed up. Anyway, here are some more details:
I graduated from college a few years ago, changed my mind about my career goals, and am now finally inching slightly more quickly to my desired career path (doing a specific technical post-bacc program online). I'm working a part-time office job just to make some money while I do this, but I don't really have any money. I'm applying for some summer internships so that when I finish this program I'll be more qualified for jobs, but I have been rejected from several of them and haven't heard back from the others yet.
I just moved with my boyfriend from Portland to a much smaller resort town in SoCal (my hometown, although my family doesn't live there anymore) for a new job for my bf. While I don't really regret moving for new experiences, I know I don't want to live here long-term because it's ridiculously expensive and I dislike the people here, and even though I was sick of Portland at the time I know I'd rather live there long-term. The internships I applied to are all over the country, so there's always the possibility I won't be here for the summer or more time.
I'm finally making changes to my life to start losing weight, and I've lost 10 lbs so far of the 40-50 I want to lose. It's obviously slow-going, but it's happening.
I'm not sure how to make friends in this new town and there aren't that many people here our age (we're also homebodies) - but I have no money to join activities and I keep thinking well, what's the point of making friends here if we won't be here that long? Additionally, meeting new people and putting myself out there stresses me out because of my self-esteem and so trying to do new things just seems like another "chore" I have to do.
We're not super happy with our rental apartment and I keep an eye out for other options, but I'm always unsure whether it'd be worth it to move again. Our apartment is nice but living underneath our landlords is frustrating. I am hesitant to get "settled" in this apartment because we are not happy with the situation.
Basically, I spent a ton of time wishing I was just settled already. I feel like I've been in transition for like 7 years now. I want an actual house that I can decorate permanently, I want a real job in my career field, I want to be fit, I want to be living in my final location, I just want to be...settled. I know it will happen in time and I'm not that old yet (25), but I just can't ever relax and feel satisfied, because it seems all I work on is some form of "self-improvement" (working on the class, applying for internships, making food, doing chores, looking up self-help stuff on the internet). I feel so unsettled and "undone". What can I do to just relax and enjoy my life as it is right now?
Obligatory notes: I used to have depression and it's eased up quite a bit. I wouldn't say I have depression now. I have seen therapists but did not find the experience helpful.
It sounds like you have several things going on at once (ie, aspirations/desires for the future, the need to compete/stressors associated with it, not being settled).
Just some ideas. Some of these things I've done, not entirely sure if they will/will not work for you, but you can give some of them a go:
• It sounds like one big stressor for you is the desire for the future in terms of a job, and you have done the initial work to apply, but now can only wait. So you are preoccupied with "what can I do", yet you are in a transient state. I wonder if there are steps you can still take to go toward your goal when you get stressed about this. Are there podcasts about your industry? Books in the library? Journal with the "best of" your industry? Podcasts are great because you can even listen to them while you work, do other things, etc. Don't do this all the time, but when stressors about not hearing back start, this can be your activity. Worst case scenario, you don't get in this year, you will have all this knowledge about your field for the following year.
• The lack of connection with other people and your words a "dislike" for people there. Find some way to connect. I think the suggestion above to volunteer is great.
• Decide what is really important or if it will become another stressor. You mention wanting to look for another apartment there in your current city, yet don't know if you will live there this summer with the internship. It sounds like moving yet again, including looking for a place, moving all your stuff, then going away for the summer, will make a series of yet more changes. Not saying you shouldn't move, but look at your list and ask if making changes right now will get you toward a goal/reduce a stressor, or add more temporary stress.
• The big thing that I see is your desire to own things and know how they will be (ie, wanting a house to decorate). Not entirely sure that this will work for you, but instead of using things to make you happy, would experiences help? You could try various new things in the place you live now. Maybe go on a walk through new neighborhoods/places with your partner. Geocache (just try it). Try a meetup with an activity that is ideally free since you are low on funds, but a new activity to you, in addition to meeting new people (game nights and game meetups are ideal for this, but YMMV). If these things are enjoyable to you, try to do these things a few times a week - mainly as a way to let go (ie, it sounds like everything in your life is a goal/competition - not saying you are doing this, but it is a societal message, too). Have these other activities be for fun, as a way to play, and explore. There is no goal attached to it.
Hope things get better.
posted by Wolfster at 1:05 PM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just some ideas. Some of these things I've done, not entirely sure if they will/will not work for you, but you can give some of them a go:
• It sounds like one big stressor for you is the desire for the future in terms of a job, and you have done the initial work to apply, but now can only wait. So you are preoccupied with "what can I do", yet you are in a transient state. I wonder if there are steps you can still take to go toward your goal when you get stressed about this. Are there podcasts about your industry? Books in the library? Journal with the "best of" your industry? Podcasts are great because you can even listen to them while you work, do other things, etc. Don't do this all the time, but when stressors about not hearing back start, this can be your activity. Worst case scenario, you don't get in this year, you will have all this knowledge about your field for the following year.
• The lack of connection with other people and your words a "dislike" for people there. Find some way to connect. I think the suggestion above to volunteer is great.
• Decide what is really important or if it will become another stressor. You mention wanting to look for another apartment there in your current city, yet don't know if you will live there this summer with the internship. It sounds like moving yet again, including looking for a place, moving all your stuff, then going away for the summer, will make a series of yet more changes. Not saying you shouldn't move, but look at your list and ask if making changes right now will get you toward a goal/reduce a stressor, or add more temporary stress.
• The big thing that I see is your desire to own things and know how they will be (ie, wanting a house to decorate). Not entirely sure that this will work for you, but instead of using things to make you happy, would experiences help? You could try various new things in the place you live now. Maybe go on a walk through new neighborhoods/places with your partner. Geocache (just try it). Try a meetup with an activity that is ideally free since you are low on funds, but a new activity to you, in addition to meeting new people (game nights and game meetups are ideal for this, but YMMV). If these things are enjoyable to you, try to do these things a few times a week - mainly as a way to let go (ie, it sounds like everything in your life is a goal/competition - not saying you are doing this, but it is a societal message, too). Have these other activities be for fun, as a way to play, and explore. There is no goal attached to it.
Hope things get better.
posted by Wolfster at 1:05 PM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I want an actual house that I can decorate permanently, I want a real job in my career field, I want to be fit, I want to be living in my final location, I just want to be...settled.
Me too. I hate to say this, but to a certain extent, this is adult life. I'm 32 and surely everything will be settled once I figure out what's happening with my job (we're merging), make more money, buy a house/apt, maybe move to the country, lose the baby weight....
There is rarely the resolution you want, and as soon as one thing seems settled, something else starts shifting. Also, who you are and what you want changes over time, so you'll have an interlude of satisfaction before deciding you're bored with your real job and want a different one, or the novelty of a snowy winter wears off, or you have a baby or....
Putting effort toward making peace with this and enjoying today is well worth the effort. Meditate =) (Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is my fav; also Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges).
(And yes, clean the apartment and know that when you do find a place you like, you can ask for a longer lease and have rent increases built in as part of it. I've moved 9 times in the last 7 years, including 4 times in the last 3 and the most recent with a 5wk old in tow. I feel your pain. The last few times it wasn't even our choice - landlord sold the building, mold problems, crazy landlord problems.... hopefully this one sticks! Personally I want to be able to buy furniture that fits the space... sigh.)
posted by jrobin276 at 1:16 PM on March 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Me too. I hate to say this, but to a certain extent, this is adult life. I'm 32 and surely everything will be settled once I figure out what's happening with my job (we're merging), make more money, buy a house/apt, maybe move to the country, lose the baby weight....
There is rarely the resolution you want, and as soon as one thing seems settled, something else starts shifting. Also, who you are and what you want changes over time, so you'll have an interlude of satisfaction before deciding you're bored with your real job and want a different one, or the novelty of a snowy winter wears off, or you have a baby or....
Putting effort toward making peace with this and enjoying today is well worth the effort. Meditate =) (Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is my fav; also Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges).
(And yes, clean the apartment and know that when you do find a place you like, you can ask for a longer lease and have rent increases built in as part of it. I've moved 9 times in the last 7 years, including 4 times in the last 3 and the most recent with a 5wk old in tow. I feel your pain. The last few times it wasn't even our choice - landlord sold the building, mold problems, crazy landlord problems.... hopefully this one sticks! Personally I want to be able to buy furniture that fits the space... sigh.)
posted by jrobin276 at 1:16 PM on March 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
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Second, volunteer. Great way to meet new people, it's free, and it makes you feel more settled in your community. If you're only going to be there a little while, at least you are contributing to your community now.
Third, go ahead and work with that nesting instinct by improving your apartment with things that you can take with you. Money is tight, so spend time at thrift stores and flea markets. Paint is cheap-cheap-cheap. Then clean, clean, clean. A clean apartment makes all the difference in the world.
Good luck!
posted by raisingsand at 11:32 AM on March 5, 2015 [5 favorites]