Relationship anxiety went from non-existent to paralyzing
March 4, 2015 2:56 PM Subscribe
When I was younger, I was never anxious about hearing back from a girlfriend or not. (To a fault: I'd head off on a trip by myself for a couple of weeks and not even think about talking to them or hearing from them.) I didn't worry when I was in those relationships, and I didn't worry when they ended. Now, as soon as I start falling for someone, I feel anxious at every short gap in reassurance and communication. I'll sit at work doing nothing, just waiting to get a text or email back. Is this kind of change common? Is there a name for it? Are there common causes? Treatment?
Is this kind of change common? Is there a name for it? Are there common causes? Treatment?
Classic AskMeFi response, I know, but therapy will really help with this. You've developed a thought pattern that you're stuck in, and the best way to get out of this is with the help of a professional.
Until you actually are seeing someone, you can try to change that thought pattern by talking back to the thought (both by responding rationally "she could be unhappy with me, but she might also just be on the train and have no reception, or she has to check her calendar to see if she can make it on Friday night, or...", and also by taking the thought to its logical conclusion: "ok, so what if she is unhappy with me?" and so on until you realize that even the worst case scenario is survivable), and also doing things that relax you when you start to get anxious, like getting up from your desk and getting a cup of tea, or stretching and taking some deep breaths.
posted by capricorn at 3:33 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Classic AskMeFi response, I know, but therapy will really help with this. You've developed a thought pattern that you're stuck in, and the best way to get out of this is with the help of a professional.
Until you actually are seeing someone, you can try to change that thought pattern by talking back to the thought (both by responding rationally "she could be unhappy with me, but she might also just be on the train and have no reception, or she has to check her calendar to see if she can make it on Friday night, or...", and also by taking the thought to its logical conclusion: "ok, so what if she is unhappy with me?" and so on until you realize that even the worst case scenario is survivable), and also doing things that relax you when you start to get anxious, like getting up from your desk and getting a cup of tea, or stretching and taking some deep breaths.
posted by capricorn at 3:33 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you weren't very engaged or invested in past girlfriends. If you can leave for weeks and not want to speak to your SO, you're not very engaged in the relationship. Same for not worrying during or after those relationships. This may have been a function of where you were in your life then, how important you thought relationships were, how bonded you became, how intensely you felt attracted of connected to those girlfriends, etc.
Now, you're in a different space where you are far more invested in the other person and maintaining the relationship. So, now, you want more reassurance that they're not going to be indifferent toward you or drop you. Some of this is natural. However, when it's interfering with your ability to work and concentrate, it's getting a bit out of hand. Making someone else responsible for your feelings of wellbeing and calm is not a good plan. You'll have to try to limit how much importance you're putting on these communications. People are busy. People have different expectations when it comes to communication. Usually, this desperation for reassurances has to do with you having become overly invested in a connection too early in the game. Limerence is powerful and distorting. And, coupled with you possibly projecting every hope and dream onto someone who is still not fully known to you and/or fully committed to a relationship with you makes it a high-stakes situation. Remind yourself of the realities over and over: people are busy, you don't need to put others in charge of your ability to feel calm, you may not even know this person well yet, you may have projected wishes on them, you don't need to be desperate for constant reassurances from others, you're crushing hard, etc.
Don't start imagining lots of scenarios that have no basis in reality. This can be a runaway train if you let it. Stay busy yourself and limit the constant checking, even if it means locking your cellphone away.
posted by quince at 4:25 PM on March 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
Now, you're in a different space where you are far more invested in the other person and maintaining the relationship. So, now, you want more reassurance that they're not going to be indifferent toward you or drop you. Some of this is natural. However, when it's interfering with your ability to work and concentrate, it's getting a bit out of hand. Making someone else responsible for your feelings of wellbeing and calm is not a good plan. You'll have to try to limit how much importance you're putting on these communications. People are busy. People have different expectations when it comes to communication. Usually, this desperation for reassurances has to do with you having become overly invested in a connection too early in the game. Limerence is powerful and distorting. And, coupled with you possibly projecting every hope and dream onto someone who is still not fully known to you and/or fully committed to a relationship with you makes it a high-stakes situation. Remind yourself of the realities over and over: people are busy, you don't need to put others in charge of your ability to feel calm, you may not even know this person well yet, you may have projected wishes on them, you don't need to be desperate for constant reassurances from others, you're crushing hard, etc.
Don't start imagining lots of scenarios that have no basis in reality. This can be a runaway train if you let it. Stay busy yourself and limit the constant checking, even if it means locking your cellphone away.
posted by quince at 4:25 PM on March 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
You might do some reading about attachment styles. Here's a place to start.
I'm not a therapist or expert, but broadly the theory is that the way you were raised influences what you expect as an adult out of other relationships -- friends, romantic partners etc. So, for example, if you had a parent who was physically around but mentally and emotionally absent you might not expect people you're close to as an adult to be very responsive to your needs. And as a result you might unconsciously avoid engaging with them too deeply for fear of being hurt, or you might find yourself very invested in the relationship and always worried about it. You might have a general attachment style, but your response to it (to worry too much or not care enough) might change from relationship to relationship.
posted by pocketfullofrye at 5:01 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm not a therapist or expert, but broadly the theory is that the way you were raised influences what you expect as an adult out of other relationships -- friends, romantic partners etc. So, for example, if you had a parent who was physically around but mentally and emotionally absent you might not expect people you're close to as an adult to be very responsive to your needs. And as a result you might unconsciously avoid engaging with them too deeply for fear of being hurt, or you might find yourself very invested in the relationship and always worried about it. You might have a general attachment style, but your response to it (to worry too much or not care enough) might change from relationship to relationship.
posted by pocketfullofrye at 5:01 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whoa, I could have written this question. Wait, I actually did write this question, more or less. Reading and re-reading the answers a few times has actually been really helpful, and I'm able to handle this stuff better than I was before I wrote the question.
What's also helped me is trying to remember that my feelings really don't have anything whatsoever to o do with the other person; it's just the anxiety talking to me, doing what anxiety does. I also have done more concrete stuff like putting the phone on airplane mode and telling myself something like, "Ok, it's 12:15 -- I'll feel lots better if I just focus on work until 12:27." By the time 12:27 (or whatever time I've set) rolls around, I realize that I've become so focused on what I was doing that I hadn't even thought about the thing that was making me anxious.
posted by holborne at 8:33 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
What's also helped me is trying to remember that my feelings really don't have anything whatsoever to o do with the other person; it's just the anxiety talking to me, doing what anxiety does. I also have done more concrete stuff like putting the phone on airplane mode and telling myself something like, "Ok, it's 12:15 -- I'll feel lots better if I just focus on work until 12:27." By the time 12:27 (or whatever time I've set) rolls around, I realize that I've become so focused on what I was doing that I hadn't even thought about the thing that was making me anxious.
posted by holborne at 8:33 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you really feel your anxiety is paralyzing, maybe searching for relationship ocd or rocd might put you in touch with people with similar experiences. OCD can be just obsessions with mental compulsions, or I would say checking if you got a text back yet might be a compulsion depending on how disruptive this is. I was at a point where I was obsessing over my relationship for sometimes over 8 hours a day, and the thing that helped me the most was a high dose of prozac. I have been in remission from OCD for 3ish years now, and my boyfriend and I are very happy together so it can be overcome if this is indeed your issue.
posted by tweedle at 11:28 PM on March 4, 2015
posted by tweedle at 11:28 PM on March 4, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I can only guess at solutions (relax, work on being happy with yourself etc) but I imagine this kind of thing has become more common simply because it can.
posted by stellathon at 3:12 PM on March 4, 2015 [7 favorites]