Love & Money: I have some / they have lots.
February 4, 2015 4:36 AM Subscribe
I am not even sure how to pose this question – it’s a jumble of feelings I am rather embarrassed about -- and money.
I am in a LTR -- we’re not married (and I don’t think we will) but have been together for about five years. We’re very happy, we love each other and hardly have disagreements – and if we do, we discuss them openly and honestly. It’s great. Except – well, for money.
No, we don’t fight about it at all -- ever. And we do discuss it in the sense of who’s paying what bill and that type of thing. We both work and maintain financially separate lives. We use the “US-option of no shared accounts” system.
I can hold up my end of our financial obligations, but I do need to budget and save for things like vacations, like most people.
SO is from wealthy family (the vast majority of our friends don't know this) and, for the last few years, has started getting very large financial gifts for birthdays. I am embarrassed of these feelings and have not said anything, of course – but I am envious of the money.
I am envious of not needing to worry about how I am going to pay off this month’s unexpected car repair or making sure I put away a certain amount each month for our summer vacation. I am envious of being able to buy things I want/need without worrying or saving up for them.
This article comes the closest to how I feel. And as time goes on, I feel worse about myself and feel like I am of a lower social rank. I feel less than. I know there is no real reason to feel this way -- but I do. I can’t seem to get passed it.
My SO does not lord the money over me or anything like that and is, in fact, very sheepish about it. (The gifts could stop at any time, too – who knows why they stated now after so many years of modest presents.)
I am not looking for advice about changing the financial inequality – I knew what I was getting into when we became a couple and I agreed to maintaining separate finances.
What I am looking for are suggestions on how to get over my envious feelings.
I am in a LTR -- we’re not married (and I don’t think we will) but have been together for about five years. We’re very happy, we love each other and hardly have disagreements – and if we do, we discuss them openly and honestly. It’s great. Except – well, for money.
No, we don’t fight about it at all -- ever. And we do discuss it in the sense of who’s paying what bill and that type of thing. We both work and maintain financially separate lives. We use the “US-option of no shared accounts” system.
I can hold up my end of our financial obligations, but I do need to budget and save for things like vacations, like most people.
SO is from wealthy family (the vast majority of our friends don't know this) and, for the last few years, has started getting very large financial gifts for birthdays. I am embarrassed of these feelings and have not said anything, of course – but I am envious of the money.
I am envious of not needing to worry about how I am going to pay off this month’s unexpected car repair or making sure I put away a certain amount each month for our summer vacation. I am envious of being able to buy things I want/need without worrying or saving up for them.
This article comes the closest to how I feel. And as time goes on, I feel worse about myself and feel like I am of a lower social rank. I feel less than. I know there is no real reason to feel this way -- but I do. I can’t seem to get passed it.
My SO does not lord the money over me or anything like that and is, in fact, very sheepish about it. (The gifts could stop at any time, too – who knows why they stated now after so many years of modest presents.)
I am not looking for advice about changing the financial inequality – I knew what I was getting into when we became a couple and I agreed to maintaining separate finances.
What I am looking for are suggestions on how to get over my envious feelings.
This is a normal feeling. My last two boyfriends came from pretty serious money, I don't. The more recent one was kind of clueless about reality and didn't quite understand what real budgeting meant, so I was pretty envious of a lot of the ease his life had. It wasn't easy.
The previous one sounds a lot more like your guy. For him, having access to a ridiculous amount of money was just how his life was. Never lorded it over anyone, and only occasionally needed reality checks. I told him when we started dating that I wouldn't necessarily be able to afford a lot of things and would need to be careful. His response, basically, was "Screw that. I'll buy the groceries, you cook. Fair deal?" If he wanted us to go out for dinner but it wasn't in my budget, out for dinner we'd go--and he was also very understanding that doing so all the time was uncomfortable for me.
What I'm saying is, financial parity in a relationship isn't necessarily about everyone spending the same dollar figure. Your envy might be lessened somewhat if you have a very difficult discussion. Maintaining totally separate financial lives in a long term relationship seems kind of silly to me, to be honest. Sure, independence is good, yes! So is providing for your loved one. Vacations, e.g, are for both of you. So if you want to stick to math... if you make X and your partner makes 2X, you should pay your fair share--1/3 of the vacation cost. (I say this as someone who, in the past, has been much more financially well-off than a partner.)
What it boils down to, for me, is that reducing your envy is something you both have to work at. Part of that will, I think, involve blending your finances more so that you're both closer to parity.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:55 AM on February 4, 2015 [25 favorites]
The previous one sounds a lot more like your guy. For him, having access to a ridiculous amount of money was just how his life was. Never lorded it over anyone, and only occasionally needed reality checks. I told him when we started dating that I wouldn't necessarily be able to afford a lot of things and would need to be careful. His response, basically, was "Screw that. I'll buy the groceries, you cook. Fair deal?" If he wanted us to go out for dinner but it wasn't in my budget, out for dinner we'd go--and he was also very understanding that doing so all the time was uncomfortable for me.
What I'm saying is, financial parity in a relationship isn't necessarily about everyone spending the same dollar figure. Your envy might be lessened somewhat if you have a very difficult discussion. Maintaining totally separate financial lives in a long term relationship seems kind of silly to me, to be honest. Sure, independence is good, yes! So is providing for your loved one. Vacations, e.g, are for both of you. So if you want to stick to math... if you make X and your partner makes 2X, you should pay your fair share--1/3 of the vacation cost. (I say this as someone who, in the past, has been much more financially well-off than a partner.)
What it boils down to, for me, is that reducing your envy is something you both have to work at. Part of that will, I think, involve blending your finances more so that you're both closer to parity.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:55 AM on February 4, 2015 [25 favorites]
I think part of it will be that you stop trying to convince yourself that there's 'no real reason to feel this way.' It's how you feel, and those feelings are completely legitimate. They may not me attributable to some failing on the part of SO, but they're nonetheless real and reasonable, and nothing to be embarrassed about. The fact that SO didn't inflict this on you doesn't exempt him or her from acknowledging and dealing with it.
My experience is that a great way to stop feeling like a second-class citizen is to stop acting like one. If your finances are going to be separate then you have to make your own independent financial decisions. If you plan joint activities around SO's budget and then pay half the cost from your smaller budget, you're sure to always be overextended. Stand up for yourself. Don't let feelings of obligation and inferiority drive you to make decisions you'd otherwise consider foolish.
posted by jon1270 at 6:00 AM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
My experience is that a great way to stop feeling like a second-class citizen is to stop acting like one. If your finances are going to be separate then you have to make your own independent financial decisions. If you plan joint activities around SO's budget and then pay half the cost from your smaller budget, you're sure to always be overextended. Stand up for yourself. Don't let feelings of obligation and inferiority drive you to make decisions you'd otherwise consider foolish.
posted by jon1270 at 6:00 AM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
(The gifts could stop at any time, too – who knows why they stated now after so many years of modest presents.)
If you are in the US, it sounds like SO's family is doing estate planning -- they can give SO a set amount each year to stay under the lifetime gift tax exemption.
I'm curious about this, though. What did SO's family tell them about this money? I feel like this would be money I'd be putting into savings, not money I'd be spending on things like cars and vacations.
Do y'all have shared financial goals, beyond paying the bills and taking trips? You can maintain separate accounts but have common goals. Do you talk about buying a house, or about your long-term plans (retirement?)
I feel like y'all need to be discussing long-term plans for your finances. If he is paying for vacations and cars out of family money and putting 20% in his 401(k), while you're saving your money for vacations and car repairs and putting 5% in your 401(k)... dude, that is kind of shitty, and I feel like you need to be able to discuss that kind of thing.
posted by pie ninja at 6:04 AM on February 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
If you are in the US, it sounds like SO's family is doing estate planning -- they can give SO a set amount each year to stay under the lifetime gift tax exemption.
I'm curious about this, though. What did SO's family tell them about this money? I feel like this would be money I'd be putting into savings, not money I'd be spending on things like cars and vacations.
Do y'all have shared financial goals, beyond paying the bills and taking trips? You can maintain separate accounts but have common goals. Do you talk about buying a house, or about your long-term plans (retirement?)
I feel like y'all need to be discussing long-term plans for your finances. If he is paying for vacations and cars out of family money and putting 20% in his 401(k), while you're saving your money for vacations and car repairs and putting 5% in your 401(k)... dude, that is kind of shitty, and I feel like you need to be able to discuss that kind of thing.
posted by pie ninja at 6:04 AM on February 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm with FFFM, when you're a couple, especially after 5 years, I'd expect that the largesse would be shared.
Does he offer to pay for vacations? Do you refuse to accept? I think this is more to the point.
I do not pretend to understand a long term relationship with totally separate finances. Do you live together? If so, I think you either fully combine finances, or you pay according to percentages.
It may be time to re-evaluate your approach to money as a couple. Because I'd be a bit more than annoyed at my partner if he saw me struggling financially, and he was sitting on a pile of dough letting me do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:10 AM on February 4, 2015 [29 favorites]
Does he offer to pay for vacations? Do you refuse to accept? I think this is more to the point.
I do not pretend to understand a long term relationship with totally separate finances. Do you live together? If so, I think you either fully combine finances, or you pay according to percentages.
It may be time to re-evaluate your approach to money as a couple. Because I'd be a bit more than annoyed at my partner if he saw me struggling financially, and he was sitting on a pile of dough letting me do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:10 AM on February 4, 2015 [29 favorites]
I am not looking for advice about changing the financial inequality – I knew what I was getting into when we became a couple and I agreed to maintaining separate finances.
If you are not willing or able to reevaluate your financial arrangement then I don't see how this relationship can work for you long term. You will need to break it off at some point because of the imbalances.
It is not directly the money, but the things that the money provides which you describe. How can you have a balanced healthy partnership when one partner has a slew of life stresses that the other partner doesn't share, and which the other partner could ease but chooses not to? Where does this end? With your partner driving a BMW and working half time, while you're nursing your clunker and working two jobs to pay off the last repair? When your partner could just write a check for you and be done with it? It is natural to feel resentful in that situation. It's not healthy to suppress it and it's not healthy to endure it.
I'm exaggerating, but that sounds like the trend of where you're heading. It's too out of balance. If you've been together for five years and you plan on being together indefinitely you need to find a way to change this, to bring your lives into financial balance. They may not mean sharing all your partner's wealth, but it does mean choosing a life style that you can both live comfortably with, and each putting in according to your capacity to create that lifestyle. If that's not possible, I think you will have to eventually end this unequal partnership.
posted by alms at 6:48 AM on February 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
If you are not willing or able to reevaluate your financial arrangement then I don't see how this relationship can work for you long term. You will need to break it off at some point because of the imbalances.
It is not directly the money, but the things that the money provides which you describe. How can you have a balanced healthy partnership when one partner has a slew of life stresses that the other partner doesn't share, and which the other partner could ease but chooses not to? Where does this end? With your partner driving a BMW and working half time, while you're nursing your clunker and working two jobs to pay off the last repair? When your partner could just write a check for you and be done with it? It is natural to feel resentful in that situation. It's not healthy to suppress it and it's not healthy to endure it.
I'm exaggerating, but that sounds like the trend of where you're heading. It's too out of balance. If you've been together for five years and you plan on being together indefinitely you need to find a way to change this, to bring your lives into financial balance. They may not mean sharing all your partner's wealth, but it does mean choosing a life style that you can both live comfortably with, and each putting in according to your capacity to create that lifestyle. If that's not possible, I think you will have to eventually end this unequal partnership.
posted by alms at 6:48 AM on February 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
I am not looking for advice about changing the financial inequality – I knew what I was getting into when we became a couple and I agreed to maintaining separate finances.
Yes, but what you agreed to five years ago isn't working for you now. It's OK to revisit how you as couple handle your finances from time to time and make changes.
posted by Leontine at 6:50 AM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, but what you agreed to five years ago isn't working for you now. It's OK to revisit how you as couple handle your finances from time to time and make changes.
posted by Leontine at 6:50 AM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I'm curious about this, though. What did SO's family tell them about this money? I feel like this would be money I'd be putting into savings, not money I'd be spending on things like cars and vacations.posted by taz (staff) at 6:55 AM on February 4, 2015
-- That it was a gift to enjoy -- that's it. The money really was "extra" -- SO already saves for retirement from their salary. I do think the gifts are related to estate planning
Do you talk about buying a house, or about your long-term plans (retirement?)
-- We live in an apartment owned by SO already -- so no house talk. Yes, we talk about retirement. I am good retirement saver and will be able to retire quite comfortably on what I am putting away. We don't pay our bills by percentages -- we actually make close to same amount so we divide them. The gifts were extra -- I am not looking at them like "salary" as they could stop.
Does he offer to pay for vacations? Do you refuse to accept? I think this is more to the point.
Vacations, no. We pay our own way. Once there was an offer to help me pay a largish credit card bill. Yes, I did refuse. The thing is that I am not actually "struggling financially." I am comfortable, just a bit in debt...and my bills will be paid, just not in one fell swoop.
Wait. So basically you have financial parity and you're envious that he's receiving gifts? The only advice I can offer in that case is to do whatever you do when friends get amazing gifts.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:27 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:27 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hmm.
It sounds kind of like this isn't about the money so much as it's about "this is just a thing that I'm feeling".
And maybe the best thing to do, therefore, would be to talk it over with your SO - but couch it in those terms, that "this is just a thing that I'm feeling, but I'm not sure where that feeling is coming from, can you maybe help me figure it out?" And the two of you together try to unpick where this is coming from.
I think this will do two things:
1) It'll give you a sounding board/extra brain to help you get at the root of your discomfort, and
2) It'll put you and him on the same team about this issue.
In fact, I'm wondering if that "being on the same team" isn't part of the problem in the first place. You say that your SO's family have been giving the money to him rather than both of you, and that is sort of setting up this division between you. An amicable division, but it's still put you in two different categories. By joining forces with him on this issue, that would kind of underscore that "okay, yeah, we may have totally different bank accounts, but in other ways we are a team."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 AM on February 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
It sounds kind of like this isn't about the money so much as it's about "this is just a thing that I'm feeling".
And maybe the best thing to do, therefore, would be to talk it over with your SO - but couch it in those terms, that "this is just a thing that I'm feeling, but I'm not sure where that feeling is coming from, can you maybe help me figure it out?" And the two of you together try to unpick where this is coming from.
I think this will do two things:
1) It'll give you a sounding board/extra brain to help you get at the root of your discomfort, and
2) It'll put you and him on the same team about this issue.
In fact, I'm wondering if that "being on the same team" isn't part of the problem in the first place. You say that your SO's family have been giving the money to him rather than both of you, and that is sort of setting up this division between you. An amicable division, but it's still put you in two different categories. By joining forces with him on this issue, that would kind of underscore that "okay, yeah, we may have totally different bank accounts, but in other ways we are a team."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 AM on February 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yes as others have said, your feelings are totally normal. Nothing to feel ashamed of, but you can acknowledge this when you bring it up to him:
"Honey, I'm embarrassed about this, but I have to confess: I'm feeling a little jealous about these cash gifts you're getting! Can we talk about it?"
Five years is a really long time to sit on this discomfort. It's not just that you two are not sharing money.. you're also not sharing your emotions. That, to me, is the real issue here.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:58 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Honey, I'm embarrassed about this, but I have to confess: I'm feeling a little jealous about these cash gifts you're getting! Can we talk about it?"
Five years is a really long time to sit on this discomfort. It's not just that you two are not sharing money.. you're also not sharing your emotions. That, to me, is the real issue here.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:58 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
TALK TO HIM.
You have these feelings; you think they aren't really reasonable, perhaps, but you can't wish them away.
Just talk about these feelings to him. Let him know all these confusing, contradictory thoughts you're having. Let him understand how you feel, and 90% of the stress will go away (assuming he listens and respects your feelings in this).
posted by IAmBroom at 10:02 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
You have these feelings; you think they aren't really reasonable, perhaps, but you can't wish them away.
Just talk about these feelings to him. Let him know all these confusing, contradictory thoughts you're having. Let him understand how you feel, and 90% of the stress will go away (assuming he listens and respects your feelings in this).
posted by IAmBroom at 10:02 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's another thought. If you're just roommates, then fine, you pay X and that's the deal. If you're partners and you're paying equal parts of the mortgage....that's a problem.
If there's a mortgage, he gets to deduct the entirety of the interest and property taxes from his income tax. So he pays less in taxes and may even get a refund. So his housing expenses are much less than yours.
If he decides to sell the apartment someday, he keeps all the proceeds of the sale, you get nothing. Is that okay, does that sound like a partnership?
So you may want to re-visit your 'share' of the rent. Perhaps you do the math and discover that adding in his reduction in taxes based on the deductions. So if the mortgage is $1,000 per month, and your boyfriend is getting a tax break that results in $300 per month, then you should split $700. This would allow you to save $150 per month.
Just something to chew on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:15 PM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
If there's a mortgage, he gets to deduct the entirety of the interest and property taxes from his income tax. So he pays less in taxes and may even get a refund. So his housing expenses are much less than yours.
If he decides to sell the apartment someday, he keeps all the proceeds of the sale, you get nothing. Is that okay, does that sound like a partnership?
So you may want to re-visit your 'share' of the rent. Perhaps you do the math and discover that adding in his reduction in taxes based on the deductions. So if the mortgage is $1,000 per month, and your boyfriend is getting a tax break that results in $300 per month, then you should split $700. This would allow you to save $150 per month.
Just something to chew on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:15 PM on February 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
It sounds like your system worked well enough for you both until he started getting these extra gifts. Since they are unexpected gifts for him to "enjoy", it doesn't right that they should change your basic arrangement and since they are for him, you don't feel entitled to ask him to spend any of the money on you.
I would start by asking yourself, what is your secret, selfish wish here? If you got to be in charge and dictate that your partner do whatever you want (regardless if it is fair or reasonable and ignoring his feelings completely) what would you do? Once you know that, you can think about if there is a way you can have a conversation and let him know how you feel. You might decide you want to start a conversation about the possibility of getting (some of) what you are wishing for but if that doesnt feel appropriate, then, at the very least, share with him, in a non demanding way, what you have been feeling. The feelings are normal and if you can talk about them with this guy that you are sharing your life with, instead of keeping them as a shameful secret, it will be much easier on you when they pop up even if you decide not to change anything at all.
posted by metahawk at 4:08 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would start by asking yourself, what is your secret, selfish wish here? If you got to be in charge and dictate that your partner do whatever you want (regardless if it is fair or reasonable and ignoring his feelings completely) what would you do? Once you know that, you can think about if there is a way you can have a conversation and let him know how you feel. You might decide you want to start a conversation about the possibility of getting (some of) what you are wishing for but if that doesnt feel appropriate, then, at the very least, share with him, in a non demanding way, what you have been feeling. The feelings are normal and if you can talk about them with this guy that you are sharing your life with, instead of keeping them as a shameful secret, it will be much easier on you when they pop up even if you decide not to change anything at all.
posted by metahawk at 4:08 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
The subtext I see when I read this is a relationship definition issue. This person is your partner. You are happy together. Except you aren't each others' family in the eyes of the law and, apparently, the eyes of his family. Once you've been with someone for five years, it's pretty difficult to not think of them as family yourself. So it's a little insulting when other people don't treat you that way. And maybe the gifts are starting to make you question whether you are family to him?
I dated a rich guy who once trailed me through the grocery, watching me count out pennies to see how many packets of ramen I could get that week. He never lifted a finger. I just knew that if someone could watch a person they claimed to love suffer and still prioritize their bootstrap bullshit philosophy over my fucking ramen noodles, I didn't need them in my life.
It doesn't sound like that's nearly the case here, but is there a tinge of it in your experience? Who benefits from your unmarried partnership?
It was ethically harder to be pro-marriage a few years ago, but it's easier and easier these days. I am personally a big fan of making a family legal and shoving it in disapproving relations' faces. I know it's not for everyone, but why is it not for the two of you?
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:38 PM on February 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
I dated a rich guy who once trailed me through the grocery, watching me count out pennies to see how many packets of ramen I could get that week. He never lifted a finger. I just knew that if someone could watch a person they claimed to love suffer and still prioritize their bootstrap bullshit philosophy over my fucking ramen noodles, I didn't need them in my life.
It doesn't sound like that's nearly the case here, but is there a tinge of it in your experience? Who benefits from your unmarried partnership?
It was ethically harder to be pro-marriage a few years ago, but it's easier and easier these days. I am personally a big fan of making a family legal and shoving it in disapproving relations' faces. I know it's not for everyone, but why is it not for the two of you?
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:38 PM on February 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Yeah, I suspect the subtext is that it's a long term relationship that you don't think will ever develop into a marriage. Why? Is it on his end or yours? Because if it is on his end - you don't think he will propose - then that could be tangling together with how you feel about the money and wondering if you're good enough to date, but not good enough to share finances with or marry. You say you live together in an apartment he owns - yet you've been together five years and he hasn't added you to the property.
posted by corb at 7:51 PM on February 4, 2015
posted by corb at 7:51 PM on February 4, 2015
I'm curious. Why don't you think you will get married?
I think this might explain a lot of the awkwardness in your situation.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:31 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think this might explain a lot of the awkwardness in your situation.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:31 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
To chime in here in case it's useful to hear from someone who is 15 years into an intentionally-unmarried partnership, I don't think marriage is necessarily the issue here. My partner and I have chosen not to be married, for a variety of reasons that we feel strongly about individually and as a couple. We have largely kept separate finances. So maybe we're a good scenario for you to look at and think about whether what I do might work or not work for you.
Two things I think are key for us and might be key for you:
1) If you've chosen this situation, there is no "we're married and all our joint money is in one pot, forever and ever amen." That's great, in my mind, because it means you're not making assumptions or following something you agreed to ten years ago without really thinking about it. It means you have an ongoing chance, and an ongoing responsibility to each other, to periodically revisit your arrangements. If you're going to stay together, over time things are going to change. One of you is going to earn more than the other and then the roles may reverse in the most surprising way. Someone's going to get sick and be unable to work for a while. Someone's going to get a surprise inheritance from a dead relative. You have to be flexible and open to communication about these issues, and fully prepared to revisit them as situations emerge. Maybe this is a time to do start that communication, whether or not it leads to a change in how you actually handle things.
2) We have mostly separate finances for day to day stuff, but at some point after many years those lines are going to blur a little bit. You may keep separate bank accounts forever, but you'll make yourselves crazy if you parse every little dinner, trip, whatever into perfect halves. Maybe you can talk about finding a way to relax some of this stuff a little - like, maybe one of you pays the airfare and one of you pays the hotel and you take turns buying dinners and nobody worries too much about the exact dollars and cents of it, because if you're planning on being together for the long haul, it's a lot easier to just figure it all balances out over time.
And personally, as the person more likely to receive big financial gifts from family for estate planning purposes in my own relationship, I think there are some ways to make that a little more equitable too. Personally, when that kind of thing happens, I blow part of it on something nice just for me and put some of it in savings that benefit both of us eventually when the roof falls off our house or something, but I also take my partner out for a fancy dinner or a show or buy us something nice for the house that we'll both enjoy, or flat-out give him a chunk of the money, or try to find some other way to make that gift a gift for both of us. Because he's my partner and my family and when I have something nice, I want to share it with him.
If he were feeling the way you are feeling, I hope he would tell me and we would at least talk about it, whether or not that talk ended up in concrete changes. I bet your partner would want to know that this is hurting you, and maybe together you can figure out how to address the feelings.
posted by Stacey at 7:49 AM on February 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Two things I think are key for us and might be key for you:
1) If you've chosen this situation, there is no "we're married and all our joint money is in one pot, forever and ever amen." That's great, in my mind, because it means you're not making assumptions or following something you agreed to ten years ago without really thinking about it. It means you have an ongoing chance, and an ongoing responsibility to each other, to periodically revisit your arrangements. If you're going to stay together, over time things are going to change. One of you is going to earn more than the other and then the roles may reverse in the most surprising way. Someone's going to get sick and be unable to work for a while. Someone's going to get a surprise inheritance from a dead relative. You have to be flexible and open to communication about these issues, and fully prepared to revisit them as situations emerge. Maybe this is a time to do start that communication, whether or not it leads to a change in how you actually handle things.
2) We have mostly separate finances for day to day stuff, but at some point after many years those lines are going to blur a little bit. You may keep separate bank accounts forever, but you'll make yourselves crazy if you parse every little dinner, trip, whatever into perfect halves. Maybe you can talk about finding a way to relax some of this stuff a little - like, maybe one of you pays the airfare and one of you pays the hotel and you take turns buying dinners and nobody worries too much about the exact dollars and cents of it, because if you're planning on being together for the long haul, it's a lot easier to just figure it all balances out over time.
And personally, as the person more likely to receive big financial gifts from family for estate planning purposes in my own relationship, I think there are some ways to make that a little more equitable too. Personally, when that kind of thing happens, I blow part of it on something nice just for me and put some of it in savings that benefit both of us eventually when the roof falls off our house or something, but I also take my partner out for a fancy dinner or a show or buy us something nice for the house that we'll both enjoy, or flat-out give him a chunk of the money, or try to find some other way to make that gift a gift for both of us. Because he's my partner and my family and when I have something nice, I want to share it with him.
If he were feeling the way you are feeling, I hope he would tell me and we would at least talk about it, whether or not that talk ended up in concrete changes. I bet your partner would want to know that this is hurting you, and maybe together you can figure out how to address the feelings.
posted by Stacey at 7:49 AM on February 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
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Maybe you should just talk to them and tell them that the money stuff is making you increasingly uncomfortable? Alas - I suspect that the only real relief you're going to find will be in marriage - where you could share accounts so that "her" money is now "our" money.
Although - how well do you get along with the potential new inlaws? Marriage might result in a termination of these substantial gifts to your SO. Which might not be a bad thing, really.
Other than marriage, it's kind've a no-win situation. I mean, I can understand being uncomfortable with my SO having lots more money than me. But I'd be even *more* uncomfortable simply accepting a large cash gift from them. Or for them to pay all of the bills, or buy me a car. YMMV.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:17 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]