Teach me how to date
February 3, 2015 3:43 AM Subscribe
Is it silly not to date multiple people at a time?
If you read my past questions, you'll see that my relationship history is not great, and I've made some pretty poor errors in judgement. Last month I decided to get back into internet dating and just go on lots and lots of first dates. I went on like 3 or 4 dates a week for a few weeks. One of the guys I met recently, when I first met him in real life, I thought wasn't my type but by the end of the date I was really attracted to him. We have had three dates now. He seems very different from the type of guys I would usually go for, but in a good way, and I feel very at ease with him and enjoy talking to him and spending time with him and don't have my hackles up in any way, but I am paying attention for red and yellow flags - so far so good but it is only very early days and of course he would be on his best behaviour. My housemate thinks I should continue dating other people because we are not in a relationship and everyone puts on a good front to start with. I haven't even kissed him but I don't really want to date anyone else now, and while I don't want to jump into a relationship with him, I really want to get to know him better but take things slowly.
Is it silly if I stop going on dates with other people already? I feel bad to waste other people's time if I am really interested in this one guy, also, it's time-consuming and I'd rather be spending the extra time with my friends. If things don't go anywhere with this guy I'll still scale back my dating because I'm a bit burned out on it and bored of it now.
(Any other advice you want to throw in is also welcome)
If you read my past questions, you'll see that my relationship history is not great, and I've made some pretty poor errors in judgement. Last month I decided to get back into internet dating and just go on lots and lots of first dates. I went on like 3 or 4 dates a week for a few weeks. One of the guys I met recently, when I first met him in real life, I thought wasn't my type but by the end of the date I was really attracted to him. We have had three dates now. He seems very different from the type of guys I would usually go for, but in a good way, and I feel very at ease with him and enjoy talking to him and spending time with him and don't have my hackles up in any way, but I am paying attention for red and yellow flags - so far so good but it is only very early days and of course he would be on his best behaviour. My housemate thinks I should continue dating other people because we are not in a relationship and everyone puts on a good front to start with. I haven't even kissed him but I don't really want to date anyone else now, and while I don't want to jump into a relationship with him, I really want to get to know him better but take things slowly.
Is it silly if I stop going on dates with other people already? I feel bad to waste other people's time if I am really interested in this one guy, also, it's time-consuming and I'd rather be spending the extra time with my friends. If things don't go anywhere with this guy I'll still scale back my dating because I'm a bit burned out on it and bored of it now.
(Any other advice you want to throw in is also welcome)
Response by poster: Sorry to jump back in. Just to clarify I can't be bothered setting up any more dates with new people. But a few of the people I went on dates with are keen for second and third dates and they're all handsome and fun to talk to but I don't feel about them the same as I do with this one guy.
posted by Chrysalis at 4:09 AM on February 3, 2015
posted by Chrysalis at 4:09 AM on February 3, 2015
This is one of those situations where what you want and what you feel comfortable with is way more important than received wisdom about internet dating/what your housemate thinks you should do.
I've done online dating a couple of times (and met my current long term partner that way), and I can barely handle talking to more than one person at the same time, let alone dating multiple people at the same time. My brain just doesn't work that way. It contradicts the way I've been told I'm "supposed" to do online dating (multiple strands of dates with multiple prospective partners in parallel whilst keeping a messaging pipeline going), but I'd much rather take it slower/miss out on some opportunities than do it the way I'm "supposed" to do it and end up massively anxious about the whole thing in the process.
I don't think there's a clear win or lose in your situation. If things don't work out with the guy you're into, there will be other people you can go on dates with. Possibly even some of the people who want second/third dates now - there were plenty of people I was messaging whilst online dating who were like "sorry, I met someone", and if things hadn't worked out there and they'd come back and asked me if I wanted to go on a date, I'd have been up for it. This might not be true for everyone, but you haven't shut down Every Other Chance You're Going To Have if you choose to focus on this one guy now.
Doing what feels right for you, right now, is not silly. Nothing bad will come of it, something good might come of it, if it doesn't you can go back and try again. It's totally about personal preference, and it sounds like you know what you'd prefer.
posted by terretu at 4:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've done online dating a couple of times (and met my current long term partner that way), and I can barely handle talking to more than one person at the same time, let alone dating multiple people at the same time. My brain just doesn't work that way. It contradicts the way I've been told I'm "supposed" to do online dating (multiple strands of dates with multiple prospective partners in parallel whilst keeping a messaging pipeline going), but I'd much rather take it slower/miss out on some opportunities than do it the way I'm "supposed" to do it and end up massively anxious about the whole thing in the process.
I don't think there's a clear win or lose in your situation. If things don't work out with the guy you're into, there will be other people you can go on dates with. Possibly even some of the people who want second/third dates now - there were plenty of people I was messaging whilst online dating who were like "sorry, I met someone", and if things hadn't worked out there and they'd come back and asked me if I wanted to go on a date, I'd have been up for it. This might not be true for everyone, but you haven't shut down Every Other Chance You're Going To Have if you choose to focus on this one guy now.
Doing what feels right for you, right now, is not silly. Nothing bad will come of it, something good might come of it, if it doesn't you can go back and try again. It's totally about personal preference, and it sounds like you know what you'd prefer.
posted by terretu at 4:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you don't want to date other people, you shouldn't. There's nothing silly about that.
But before too long, you should see if he feels the same way. Years ago I had been dating a girl for about a month and was under the impression we were in an exclusive relationship... an impression that turned out to be wrong when I found out she'd just slept with somebody else. We hadn't said we were exclusive, and my assumption led to me being jealous and hurt when she really hadn't done anything wrong.
You don't want something like that to happen to you. I'm not saying you should rush things, but just asking how he'd feel about making this exclusive could be a good idea, soon-ish.
But even before that, I think it'd be a good idea to kiss the guy. I mean, not to pressure you into getting physical before you're ready.... but if you haven't even kissed after 3 dates, it's not impossible he thinks you're just friends!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
But before too long, you should see if he feels the same way. Years ago I had been dating a girl for about a month and was under the impression we were in an exclusive relationship... an impression that turned out to be wrong when I found out she'd just slept with somebody else. We hadn't said we were exclusive, and my assumption led to me being jealous and hurt when she really hadn't done anything wrong.
You don't want something like that to happen to you. I'm not saying you should rush things, but just asking how he'd feel about making this exclusive could be a good idea, soon-ish.
But even before that, I think it'd be a good idea to kiss the guy. I mean, not to pressure you into getting physical before you're ready.... but if you haven't even kissed after 3 dates, it's not impossible he thinks you're just friends!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you have a history of getting insecure, jealous, falling in love too fast, or getting hurt easily then I'd say still see others just to keep you even and not put all your eggs in this basket just yet. But if you can keep a grip on yourself and keep it light and let the relationship build naturally then you don't have to date around. Just keep in mind as others have said that the way you feel might not be the way he feels so don't assume exclusivity or seriousness until you've had the talk.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm not sure how old you are or what you're looking for, but for those who want to be in an enduring committed relationship dating is effectively a series of try-outs. There's no reason you can't hold multiple "auditions" in the early going, but at some point you have to make some cuts if you want to see how things might go with a particular person. If, on the other hand, you want to play the field and have some fun and learn to relax about dating -- all fine and good things in and of themselves -- you should please yourself.
posted by slkinsey at 5:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by slkinsey at 5:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't waste the time of other people if you're not really interested in dating them.
I'm a one-at-a-time person and I'm perfectly okay with that. You can put your profile on-hold and tell the guy you're dating that you're doing so. "I really like you and I'd like to concentrate my attentions." He may or may not choose to do the same thing. But I think it's always good to be honest. For one thing, it's refreshing not to play games.
Now you have time to do laundry, see your friends, run the sweeper and all the other things that go by the wayside when you're out on dates.
Tell the guys who are asking for more dates, "I'm scaling back on the dating right now. When I'm ready to jump back in, I'll contact you to see where you are." If they move on and are in other relationships, good for them, if not, you may re-connect.
Clearly you have options. Enjoy the attentions of this one guy. It may turn out to be great, or not. And either way you can always re-activate your profile if it comes to it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:39 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm a one-at-a-time person and I'm perfectly okay with that. You can put your profile on-hold and tell the guy you're dating that you're doing so. "I really like you and I'd like to concentrate my attentions." He may or may not choose to do the same thing. But I think it's always good to be honest. For one thing, it's refreshing not to play games.
Now you have time to do laundry, see your friends, run the sweeper and all the other things that go by the wayside when you're out on dates.
Tell the guys who are asking for more dates, "I'm scaling back on the dating right now. When I'm ready to jump back in, I'll contact you to see where you are." If they move on and are in other relationships, good for them, if not, you may re-connect.
Clearly you have options. Enjoy the attentions of this one guy. It may turn out to be great, or not. And either way you can always re-activate your profile if it comes to it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:39 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your approach is totally right here. Look, if you were excited about seeing those other guys again, it would be totally fine if you did it. But if you don't feel like it, literally no good will come of it. You won't have fun, those other relationships won't go anywhere, and you won't keep them around as backup options. They're also likely to realize that things aren't going anywhere, and either walk away or get frustrated that it's not happening even though you keep going on dates.
I think it's fine to date multiple people early until you agree to be exclusive. But that doesn't mean you need to. It's also fine to just understand that you're not exclusive and not count on more than that until more than that happens. You're not putting all your eggs in one basket, really -- you're just choosing to spend less time dating and more time with your friends.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:10 AM on February 3, 2015
I think it's fine to date multiple people early until you agree to be exclusive. But that doesn't mean you need to. It's also fine to just understand that you're not exclusive and not count on more than that until more than that happens. You're not putting all your eggs in one basket, really -- you're just choosing to spend less time dating and more time with your friends.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:10 AM on February 3, 2015
I've heard a lot about the wisdom of dating multiple people. I've never successfully managed it myself. Do what works for you and not what other people think should work for you. I also don't see how dating multiple people really addresses a concern that this guy is on his best behavior right now--that might be true of anyone, whether you're seeing 1 person or 11.
I'd take it as a good sign if you're excited about seeing this one guy in particular, since finding a good fit with someone is the goal of going on dates, right? Good luck!
posted by ferret branca at 6:27 AM on February 3, 2015
I'd take it as a good sign if you're excited about seeing this one guy in particular, since finding a good fit with someone is the goal of going on dates, right? Good luck!
posted by ferret branca at 6:27 AM on February 3, 2015
Set up the other dates for after your next date with this dude. If and when you kiss him, and you still want to cancel the other dates, cancel them. Can't be monogAMOUS without that AMORE.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:31 AM on February 3, 2015
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:31 AM on February 3, 2015
You definitely do not have to date multiple people at a time if you don't want to do it. I know it's the advice about online dating, but I could never do it either. It felt weird and unnatural and trickstery, like I was pulling something over on someone even though I wasn't. It's definitely possible to take the getting-into-a-relationship part slow without involving other people.
posted by millipede at 6:32 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by millipede at 6:32 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing that you don't need to date multiple people if you don't want to.
In fact, that whole date multiple people at once until you have the 'exclusivity' conversation, is a very American way of doing dating. There are other cultures where the norm would be to date only one person at a time, even if you haven't yet formally committed to that person. Personally, I've only managed to date multiple people if my heart wasn't engaged and I was in a casual dating phase. When I became actually serious about someone, I tended to only date them. This is not to say that you should throw all caution to the wind -- proceed slowly so that you can cut him loose if you see anything concerning. But there's absolutely no need to keep going on dates with other guys if you don't feel like it.
posted by peacheater at 6:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
In fact, that whole date multiple people at once until you have the 'exclusivity' conversation, is a very American way of doing dating. There are other cultures where the norm would be to date only one person at a time, even if you haven't yet formally committed to that person. Personally, I've only managed to date multiple people if my heart wasn't engaged and I was in a casual dating phase. When I became actually serious about someone, I tended to only date them. This is not to say that you should throw all caution to the wind -- proceed slowly so that you can cut him loose if you see anything concerning. But there's absolutely no need to keep going on dates with other guys if you don't feel like it.
posted by peacheater at 6:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd rather be spending the extra time with my friends
This is a good sign. If you were spending all your time either with the new guy or looking forward to the next time you can see him, that would be different.
Also, there's a difference between not seeing anyone else because you're busy with your friends, and telling new guy that you're not seeing anyone else and then he'll say he's not and then suddenly y'all are officially exclusive.
In other words, I think "seeing other people" doesn't have to mean literally going on dates with multiple other guys concurrently. Who can juggle all of that? It can just mean that you're not committing to exclusivity yet, your online profile is still viewable, and if lightning struck and you suddenly started to feel something superamazing toward someone else, you wouldn't feel obligated to squelch that to preserve the monogamy.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 7:00 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is a good sign. If you were spending all your time either with the new guy or looking forward to the next time you can see him, that would be different.
Also, there's a difference between not seeing anyone else because you're busy with your friends, and telling new guy that you're not seeing anyone else and then he'll say he's not and then suddenly y'all are officially exclusive.
In other words, I think "seeing other people" doesn't have to mean literally going on dates with multiple other guys concurrently. Who can juggle all of that? It can just mean that you're not committing to exclusivity yet, your online profile is still viewable, and if lightning struck and you suddenly started to feel something superamazing toward someone else, you wouldn't feel obligated to squelch that to preserve the monogamy.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 7:00 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
One of the reasons that the advice of dating multiple people is given is so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket. You can fill the basket up with other stuff, though - hobbies, friends, work, etc. Sounds like that's what you want to do. You're doing what works for you.
I've also never been able to date lots of people at once. When I am getting to know someone I try to pick up a new hobby instead of seeing multiple people. Works for me.
posted by sockermom at 7:31 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've also never been able to date lots of people at once. When I am getting to know someone I try to pick up a new hobby instead of seeing multiple people. Works for me.
posted by sockermom at 7:31 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Seeing other people" doesn't have to mean that you literally have appointments already lined up in your day planner. See this person, see your friends, take time for yourself, enjoy life! You don't have to date other people in order this time in your life.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:44 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:44 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
The only reason you should date someone (or multiple someone-s) is because you want to.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Gray Skies at 8:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
e have had three dates now. He seems very different from the type of guys I would usually go for, but in a good way, and I feel very at ease with him and enjoy talking to him and spending time with him
So keep seeing him!
they're all handsome and fun to talk to but I don't feel about them the same as I do with this one guy.
So don't go on dates with them! Go out with Awesome Guy!
When your friends start blathering, just say "hey, I like this guy and want to see where it goes."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
So keep seeing him!
they're all handsome and fun to talk to but I don't feel about them the same as I do with this one guy.
So don't go on dates with them! Go out with Awesome Guy!
When your friends start blathering, just say "hey, I like this guy and want to see where it goes."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I was dating you, I'd be unpleasantly surprised to discover that you were dating other people at the same time.
I'd say that if you intend to continue dating multiple people at the same time you have a duty to disclose that fact to each of them. You may not care about exclusivity right now, but it's reasonable to assume that it would matter to some or all of them.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:48 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd say that if you intend to continue dating multiple people at the same time you have a duty to disclose that fact to each of them. You may not care about exclusivity right now, but it's reasonable to assume that it would matter to some or all of them.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:48 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Three dates a week is a lot. One date a week is a lot, for most people. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to take a break from all that, whether or not you've found someone to focus on. What's the rush?
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:53 AM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]