Help me break up with my awesome boyfriend without triggering my PTSD
January 31, 2015 8:16 PM Subscribe
I want to break up with my boyfriend and I'm really nervous about it. Special factor: PTSD.
The last time I broke up with someone, he nearly killed me (no exaggeration). It's been 4 years and, yes, lots of therapy since then. I've been dating Bob for about 6 months. Bob and I have a lot in common and have a great time talking/hanging out together. I've never been very attracted to him, and I kind of figured that was my new normal, given my history of abuse. Except I met John last week, and was startled to realize that I am definitely still capable of feeling sexual attraction for a real live human. Nothing happened between us (aside from some really good conversation), and I'm trying not to think about John for the moment. However, the experience really highlighted how much that factor is missing in my relationship with Bob.
Bob is the nicest person I've met in my life. He's thoughtful, extremely considerate of my issues, and we make awesome friends. I really wish I was attracted to him. He has a lot of problems with insecurity and self-esteem, especially regarding his appearance and how attractive he is. He is really, REALLY into me. I feel like shit for wanting to leave, but I'm at a point where cuddling and kissing just makes my skin crawl.
Additionally, I am 95% sure he is not going to stab me, but that 5% totally paralyzes me. (The 5% is not because he's violent or controlling; for a few years I thought everyone was going to stab me.) Every time I start planning out what to say (and yes, I've read Miko's script) I start thinking about possible reactions and panic. My old therapist is on maternity leave and I'm in the process of finding a new one, but I think the breakup needs to be sooner than that.
My questions are: how do I do this as kindly as possible without bringing up his issues about his appearance, and how do I get through this without totally panicking?
The last time I broke up with someone, he nearly killed me (no exaggeration). It's been 4 years and, yes, lots of therapy since then. I've been dating Bob for about 6 months. Bob and I have a lot in common and have a great time talking/hanging out together. I've never been very attracted to him, and I kind of figured that was my new normal, given my history of abuse. Except I met John last week, and was startled to realize that I am definitely still capable of feeling sexual attraction for a real live human. Nothing happened between us (aside from some really good conversation), and I'm trying not to think about John for the moment. However, the experience really highlighted how much that factor is missing in my relationship with Bob.
Bob is the nicest person I've met in my life. He's thoughtful, extremely considerate of my issues, and we make awesome friends. I really wish I was attracted to him. He has a lot of problems with insecurity and self-esteem, especially regarding his appearance and how attractive he is. He is really, REALLY into me. I feel like shit for wanting to leave, but I'm at a point where cuddling and kissing just makes my skin crawl.
Additionally, I am 95% sure he is not going to stab me, but that 5% totally paralyzes me. (The 5% is not because he's violent or controlling; for a few years I thought everyone was going to stab me.) Every time I start planning out what to say (and yes, I've read Miko's script) I start thinking about possible reactions and panic. My old therapist is on maternity leave and I'm in the process of finding a new one, but I think the breakup needs to be sooner than that.
My questions are: how do I do this as kindly as possible without bringing up his issues about his appearance, and how do I get through this without totally panicking?
I like the idea of having a friend in the next room.
A less good but still possibly ok idea is to do it in a semi-public place, like in a car in a parking lot, so that you can get out if you need space but he can have privacy to come to terms with it.
You can do this. Breakups always suck, but you are absolutely making the right choice for you.
posted by phunniemee at 8:41 PM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
A less good but still possibly ok idea is to do it in a semi-public place, like in a car in a parking lot, so that you can get out if you need space but he can have privacy to come to terms with it.
You can do this. Breakups always suck, but you are absolutely making the right choice for you.
posted by phunniemee at 8:41 PM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know it's generally not recommended, but given the length of your relationship and your own concerns, would it be easier for you to do it over the phone? I know that can feel impersonal, but given the circumstances, I think that would be OK in this case. You have to do what you have to. (And depending, maybe you can meet up later to exchange personal belongings/etc.?)
As far as his physical appearance goes, just don't bring it up. You aren't feeling things with him for whatever reason. You, personally, are not attracted to him. That doesn't mean no one else will be. You are not responsible for his issues.
And yes, take care of you. Even if you're the one who is ending things, breakups are terrible. You're allowed to feel bad, even if you're doing the right thing.
posted by darksong at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2015 [27 favorites]
As far as his physical appearance goes, just don't bring it up. You aren't feeling things with him for whatever reason. You, personally, are not attracted to him. That doesn't mean no one else will be. You are not responsible for his issues.
And yes, take care of you. Even if you're the one who is ending things, breakups are terrible. You're allowed to feel bad, even if you're doing the right thing.
posted by darksong at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2015 [27 favorites]
Something like this, maybe?
"Bob, you're the nicest person I've met in my life. You're thoughtful, extremely considerate of my issues, and we make awesome friends. But I need to feel more of a romantic spark to move forward in the relationship, and I don't see us having that kind of chemistry. I don't want to lead you on now that I've given it a lot of thought and am sure of my feelings."
I generally think IFDSSN9 above has great advice, but I think after six months you should do it in person. I also think refusing to discuss it might make him think you're angry with him. You don't need to spend tons of time on unnecessary discussion, but at least let him know it's not that anything is wrong with him, or that he did anything wrong. I also think having a friend in the next room, or on call, is a great idea. Take good care of yourself afterward, too. You don't have anything to feel guilty about.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 9:12 PM on January 31, 2015 [29 favorites]
"Bob, you're the nicest person I've met in my life. You're thoughtful, extremely considerate of my issues, and we make awesome friends. But I need to feel more of a romantic spark to move forward in the relationship, and I don't see us having that kind of chemistry. I don't want to lead you on now that I've given it a lot of thought and am sure of my feelings."
I generally think IFDSSN9 above has great advice, but I think after six months you should do it in person. I also think refusing to discuss it might make him think you're angry with him. You don't need to spend tons of time on unnecessary discussion, but at least let him know it's not that anything is wrong with him, or that he did anything wrong. I also think having a friend in the next room, or on call, is a great idea. Take good care of yourself afterward, too. You don't have anything to feel guilty about.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 9:12 PM on January 31, 2015 [29 favorites]
I was going to suggest the same thing darksong did- Just do it over the phone or even via email if you need to. Given your history it's totally ok for you to do that. (I'm assuming Bob knows your history too. If he doesn't you should explain it to him if you choose these methods of breaking up). If he's not a total deuchbag he'll understand why you chose to do it over the phone.
Just one thing- I also came from some history of emotional abuse (not physical) and one thing I noticed before I broke the cycle was that I was ONLY attracted to emotionally abusive men. It's a subconscious thing that abusers and abusees can often feel vibes from each other across a room that the brain finds familiar... and the brain tends to be attracted to what it finds familiar- even if that thing is awful. Wierd how it works that way even if you don't really know each other, but it happens all the time. So what I'm saying is that it is possible that the very reason why you are attracted to this new guy is because he's not a good guy and your subconscious is picking up on that familiar vibe. Not necessarily the case, but I'm just putting it out there in case you haven't broken the cycle yet. For 2-3 years I literally had to force myself to date guys I wasn't attracted to because they were the kinds I WISHED I'd be attracted to. Eventually I really and truly started to become attracted to that type- because it became familiar. To break the cycle you have to retrain your brain.
I'm glad that you found that your libido is not dead afterall which means you're making progress on healing yourself. Just if you haven't broken the cycle, your judgement might still be off, so do a full background check on this new guy to make sure he doesn't have a history before moving forward with him just as a precaution.
posted by rancher at 9:15 PM on January 31, 2015 [19 favorites]
Just one thing- I also came from some history of emotional abuse (not physical) and one thing I noticed before I broke the cycle was that I was ONLY attracted to emotionally abusive men. It's a subconscious thing that abusers and abusees can often feel vibes from each other across a room that the brain finds familiar... and the brain tends to be attracted to what it finds familiar- even if that thing is awful. Wierd how it works that way even if you don't really know each other, but it happens all the time. So what I'm saying is that it is possible that the very reason why you are attracted to this new guy is because he's not a good guy and your subconscious is picking up on that familiar vibe. Not necessarily the case, but I'm just putting it out there in case you haven't broken the cycle yet. For 2-3 years I literally had to force myself to date guys I wasn't attracted to because they were the kinds I WISHED I'd be attracted to. Eventually I really and truly started to become attracted to that type- because it became familiar. To break the cycle you have to retrain your brain.
I'm glad that you found that your libido is not dead afterall which means you're making progress on healing yourself. Just if you haven't broken the cycle, your judgement might still be off, so do a full background check on this new guy to make sure he doesn't have a history before moving forward with him just as a precaution.
posted by rancher at 9:15 PM on January 31, 2015 [19 favorites]
Text him. Tell him that your past experience is haunting you and you need to not see him for awhile. Do it now. The longer you wait, the crummier it is for him. Yes, I know, Valentine's Day is coming up and he shouldn't have to be alone for Valentine's Day. You know what is worse than being alone on Valentine's Day? Spending time with someone who doesn't really want to be with you.
When you break up with him, don't tell him why, even if he badgers you. Do not try to stay friends. Go for a scorched earth breakup and don't look back.
posted by myselfasme at 9:30 PM on January 31, 2015
When you break up with him, don't tell him why, even if he badgers you. Do not try to stay friends. Go for a scorched earth breakup and don't look back.
posted by myselfasme at 9:30 PM on January 31, 2015
It's your therapist's ethical responsibility to not leave you in the lurch without another therapist. If you can still get in touch with her, ask for your help getting a referal that can see you as soon as possible.
posted by bleep at 9:32 PM on January 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by bleep at 9:32 PM on January 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
Think for a while what would make you feel most comfortable. Could it trigger you if he becomes upset with you over the phone, or doesn't accept the explanation you choose to give him, or insists on having a conversation about it, potentially forcing you to talk about your understanding of your sexuality in light of your history of abuse? However you need to do it to feel safe, do that. If you choose to email him, I would add an apology like "I'm sorry to spring this on you in an email I just couldn't bring myself to do it in person or over the phone."
posted by wrabbit at 11:04 PM on January 31, 2015
posted by wrabbit at 11:04 PM on January 31, 2015
I think you have two responsibilities here. One is to attend to your own health and well-being. But the second one is to be as decent as possible since this guy sounds like a good guy. Given that you have absolutely no reason to think he is in any way abusive or a bad person it seems like he deserves an in-person breakup. But if you really can't do that the phone sounds like an okay compromise given you can apologize to him for doing it that way and explain that you felt you had to because of your own issues.
Ending a 6 months relationship via email with someone who you say is a really good guy is crappy no matter what. Being crappy to someone is still being crappy even if you have issues that make it seem like the easiest option.
Breakups are hard. But part of being in relationships is handling breakups with decent people decently.
posted by Justinian at 11:16 PM on January 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
Ending a 6 months relationship via email with someone who you say is a really good guy is crappy no matter what. Being crappy to someone is still being crappy even if you have issues that make it seem like the easiest option.
Breakups are hard. But part of being in relationships is handling breakups with decent people decently.
posted by Justinian at 11:16 PM on January 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
Sure, it's kinder to give him a Miko-type idea of what's going on, but you don't have to give him every detail ("is it because of XYZ physical feature?") he might ask for. If he starts asking questions that are impossible for you to deal with in an already-scary moment, you can definitely tell him that you wanted to give him the news in person but this is a tough conversation for you and you'd prefer to continue it on the phone. Then, when you're on the phone and feeling safer, you can stand your ground re not giving details.
Would you feel safer if you could do it somewhere where a friend is actually in sight, though out of earshot? On a distant park bench or something?
Would it be easier to write down the basics of what you want to say on a piece of paper, meet in person, tell him you're having some trouble saying what you need to say, and sit with him while he reads it?
You're doing the right thing here -- good for you!
posted by ostro at 12:30 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Would you feel safer if you could do it somewhere where a friend is actually in sight, though out of earshot? On a distant park bench or something?
Would it be easier to write down the basics of what you want to say on a piece of paper, meet in person, tell him you're having some trouble saying what you need to say, and sit with him while he reads it?
You're doing the right thing here -- good for you!
posted by ostro at 12:30 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Carefully consider what Rancher says, please. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with someone if you're not feeling it, but don't trust that automatic attraction for someone else, either. What Rancher describes is entirely possibly, along with other various forms of self-sabotage-y mindtraps.
And, just in case there *is* some of the above going on, make this break kindly... because you may discover weeks or months down the road that this isn't what you really wanted to do after all, and being kind at least allows you to knock on the door in the future, y'know?
posted by stormyteal at 1:00 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
And, just in case there *is* some of the above going on, make this break kindly... because you may discover weeks or months down the road that this isn't what you really wanted to do after all, and being kind at least allows you to knock on the door in the future, y'know?
posted by stormyteal at 1:00 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
First: I'm really sorry about your messed up past experience. I hope that you continue to heal from it.
I think that breaking up with Bob can be as simple as gently letting him know that you just don't quite feel a spark with him that you would like to feel.
how do I do this as kindly as possible without bringing up his issues about his appearance?
Not being attracted to someone/not feeling chemistry with someone does not automatically mean that you think they're unattractive per se, it can just mean that you don't feel a spark. Do you have reason to believe that he's automatically going to jump to the conclusion that you're saying you think he's ugly?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:09 AM on February 1, 2015
I think that breaking up with Bob can be as simple as gently letting him know that you just don't quite feel a spark with him that you would like to feel.
how do I do this as kindly as possible without bringing up his issues about his appearance?
Not being attracted to someone/not feeling chemistry with someone does not automatically mean that you think they're unattractive per se, it can just mean that you don't feel a spark. Do you have reason to believe that he's automatically going to jump to the conclusion that you're saying you think he's ugly?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:09 AM on February 1, 2015
OP, if you need to break up with him on the phone or even by email, given the circumstances you've described, that's fine. I'm surprised that a couple of people are saying in spite of the fact that you are being triggered due to a past experience of being stabbed the last time you did this, you need to make it in person or you are not behaving in a decent manner. It's nice to look after other people, but it's even more important to look after yourself. I'm assuming he is aware of these past issues? If so, if he's as nice as you say, I'm sure he'll be understanding.
I once had to break up with someone under some extremely stressful and less-than-ideal circumstances that were outside of my control, and having to listen to some judgey opinions about how bad and immature and thoughtless I was in how I went about it on top of the other stress I was dealing with was really not helpful.
I like Beethoven Sith's script, especially the first two sentences. (Also, the mention of a romantic spark takes the focus away from a suggestion he's unattractive--I once broke up with someone I was wildly attracted to because the romantic spark/feelings just weren't developing.) The last 2 might need some revision because you don't want to give him an opening to argue that you (a) could develop a spark or (b) could keep seeing each other anyway because things are fine even if you aren't feeling this great romance (both responses I've had to a similar approach). I don't know, in addition to "I'm sure of my feelings" maybe add "I'm not going to change my mind." But I agree that something abrupt like saying you refuse to discuss it sounds a bit harsher than you actually feel. Save that for if he presses you for a discussion you aren't ready to have.
posted by tiger tiger at 1:35 AM on February 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
I once had to break up with someone under some extremely stressful and less-than-ideal circumstances that were outside of my control, and having to listen to some judgey opinions about how bad and immature and thoughtless I was in how I went about it on top of the other stress I was dealing with was really not helpful.
I like Beethoven Sith's script, especially the first two sentences. (Also, the mention of a romantic spark takes the focus away from a suggestion he's unattractive--I once broke up with someone I was wildly attracted to because the romantic spark/feelings just weren't developing.) The last 2 might need some revision because you don't want to give him an opening to argue that you (a) could develop a spark or (b) could keep seeing each other anyway because things are fine even if you aren't feeling this great romance (both responses I've had to a similar approach). I don't know, in addition to "I'm sure of my feelings" maybe add "I'm not going to change my mind." But I agree that something abrupt like saying you refuse to discuss it sounds a bit harsher than you actually feel. Save that for if he presses you for a discussion you aren't ready to have.
posted by tiger tiger at 1:35 AM on February 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Would the weather in your location permit you to do it somewhere public like a park? A coffee shop could also work if it wasn't so busy and crowded as to allow for others to overhear your conversation. The key is to find a place with people milling about that you can feel assured that you aren't alone with him without it being crowded enough that it feels embarrassing to this guy.
posted by teamnap at 2:31 AM on February 1, 2015
posted by teamnap at 2:31 AM on February 1, 2015
Normally I'm a fan of having conversations like this in person. However, given your PSTD, you absolutely have my endorsement to do this over the phone. Have a friend in your house with you to hold you hand if needed. Breaking up under any circumstances is hard, but I think you should find ways of making this as easy on YOU as possible. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy, but you need to take care of yourself here.
posted by tk at 4:12 AM on February 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by tk at 4:12 AM on February 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think it would be totally fine to do this through e-mail. write as kind and caring letter as you can, and just get it over with. He'll understand.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:45 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:45 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Definitely do it over the phone. There's no shame in that, and in some ways the distance may make it just a little less painful for him too. In person will not make it feel better. It sounds like he is really unlikely to hurt you, but eliminate the possibility by putting some distance between you.
I do not think you should tell him you want to break up because you're not feeling a spark. For somebody who has issues regarding his appearance, that could be like pouring kerosine on a fire. What good will it do this guy, to know you just don't desire him?
Screw honesty. Have a heart and tell a white lie or two. Come up with some dealbreaker issue that won't make him feel like an ugly loser, and sell it. Let the guy hold on to the illusion that you found him attractive.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:22 AM on February 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
I do not think you should tell him you want to break up because you're not feeling a spark. For somebody who has issues regarding his appearance, that could be like pouring kerosine on a fire. What good will it do this guy, to know you just don't desire him?
Screw honesty. Have a heart and tell a white lie or two. Come up with some dealbreaker issue that won't make him feel like an ugly loser, and sell it. Let the guy hold on to the illusion that you found him attractive.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:22 AM on February 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
Have a friend to go to afterwards. Try and use CBT for balancing thoughts around triggers along the lines of all the evidence you have for him being a very different being.
It is tough for people who have been known potent chemistry (but in ultimately dangerous relationships).. the trick is finding someone with a safe level of excitement for you and getting excitement in other areas of your life. I think you'd like "Why we love people who hurt us"by Ross Rosenberg .. he has youtube vids too. Think twice about pursuing John just now that hunger for excitement can lead to intense unhelpful choices. Well done though.. for looking for and valuing safety and goodness.
posted by tanktop at 6:08 AM on February 1, 2015
It is tough for people who have been known potent chemistry (but in ultimately dangerous relationships).. the trick is finding someone with a safe level of excitement for you and getting excitement in other areas of your life. I think you'd like "Why we love people who hurt us"by Ross Rosenberg .. he has youtube vids too. Think twice about pursuing John just now that hunger for excitement can lead to intense unhelpful choices. Well done though.. for looking for and valuing safety and goodness.
posted by tanktop at 6:08 AM on February 1, 2015
Given your PTSD, I suggest doing this on the phone. Bob sounds like a mench and if you've told him about your last experience, I'm sure he'll understand and forgive you.
Then, just use Beethoven's Sith's script. It really is that simple.
You can do this today.
I get that your attraction to John awakened you to the fact that you're not attracted to Bob, just don't mistake it for a connection. Give yourself some time to reflect and to grow.
After a trauma you have to re-learn everything you know about yourself. The other thing is, as long as you're working on the PTSD, you're emotional state will also change. So while you may feel attraction for John, in time you may find that even THAT isn't enough for you to commit in a relationship.
You don't mention if you're in therapy, if you're not, you may want to give it a try. It will help you process not only what happened in the past, but also how to move forward so that you can feel safe and secure.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:10 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Then, just use Beethoven's Sith's script. It really is that simple.
You can do this today.
I get that your attraction to John awakened you to the fact that you're not attracted to Bob, just don't mistake it for a connection. Give yourself some time to reflect and to grow.
After a trauma you have to re-learn everything you know about yourself. The other thing is, as long as you're working on the PTSD, you're emotional state will also change. So while you may feel attraction for John, in time you may find that even THAT isn't enough for you to commit in a relationship.
You don't mention if you're in therapy, if you're not, you may want to give it a try. It will help you process not only what happened in the past, but also how to move forward so that you can feel safe and secure.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:10 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't stress about doing this in person. If you're a phone person then breaking up on the phone is okay. But if you're not a chatty phone person (I'm not), I'd go with an email. Not texting, though. Never texting.
For what to write or say, Beethoven's Sith script is fine, but because Bob is a nice guy with insecurities*, it would be a kindness to leave out the part about chemistry:
"Bob, you're the nicest person I've met in my life. You're thoughtful, extremely considerate of my issues, and we make awesome friends. But this isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship right now and I don't see that changing. I don't want to lead you on now that I've given it a lot of thought and am sure of my feelings."
*I'm a self-confident hot ticket and if someone told me I didn't float their sexual boat in a breakup talk, I'd be hurt. There's no need to tell someone they don't turn you on.
posted by kinetic at 6:31 AM on February 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
For what to write or say, Beethoven's Sith script is fine, but because Bob is a nice guy with insecurities*, it would be a kindness to leave out the part about chemistry:
"Bob, you're the nicest person I've met in my life. You're thoughtful, extremely considerate of my issues, and we make awesome friends. But this isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship right now and I don't see that changing. I don't want to lead you on now that I've given it a lot of thought and am sure of my feelings."
*I'm a self-confident hot ticket and if someone told me I didn't float their sexual boat in a breakup talk, I'd be hurt. There's no need to tell someone they don't turn you on.
posted by kinetic at 6:31 AM on February 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think John is a good lesson - he's not the person you need to go hop into bed with, but the person who reminded you that you can feel attraction, and that nope, you don't feel it feel it for Bob.
Now, I think there are extra considerations to have when you break up with someone for lack of attraction. It's almost the hardest reason because even as we speak the words our own concious castigates us for being so shallow.
I once had to do this - I prefaced it with all the suggestions for "you're such a great person" and tried to stay friendly, but it turned into a shit show when he watched me move along to guy I did find attractive. I think he got the implicit message by that time and really ... I can't imagine anything more frustrating or humiliating than realizing that someone just finds you face a turn off.
I'm agreeing with the scorched earth folks: say it's not you, it's me, do it on the phone and refuse to offer any explanations and don't try to be friends. When he comes around to Metafilter asking what the hell happened, we'll dust him off and tell him that closure comes from within.
posted by mibo at 6:35 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Now, I think there are extra considerations to have when you break up with someone for lack of attraction. It's almost the hardest reason because even as we speak the words our own concious castigates us for being so shallow.
I once had to do this - I prefaced it with all the suggestions for "you're such a great person" and tried to stay friendly, but it turned into a shit show when he watched me move along to guy I did find attractive. I think he got the implicit message by that time and really ... I can't imagine anything more frustrating or humiliating than realizing that someone just finds you face a turn off.
I'm agreeing with the scorched earth folks: say it's not you, it's me, do it on the phone and refuse to offer any explanations and don't try to be friends. When he comes around to Metafilter asking what the hell happened, we'll dust him off and tell him that closure comes from within.
posted by mibo at 6:35 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry you were put through such a terrible experience. I am impressed by the self-awareness and empathy of this question. Nthing the folks who say you absolutely DO NOT ever have to break up in person. This is not a rule, no matter how long you've been in the relationship; no matter how nice the guy is. You can do it by phone, email or a letter. If the guy is truly a good dude, he will understand why you need the distance. If he doesn't get it, and tries to make you feel bad about it, good riddance.
Having been the instigator of breakups as well as dumped myself, I would suggest not mentioning lack of spark. It's truthful but not kind in this situation. I would go for vague, saying something like "Bob, you have been wonderful, but I have realized that we are not going to be able to give each other all we need in a relationship. We need to break up. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you take care of yourself."
If you hope to stay friends with Bob, you can say so, but let him take the lead on that. If you need to go no-contact, you can say something like, "Bob, after this conversation I'm going to need space. You didn't do anything wrong, but I need you not to call or write unless I do first, and of course I won't even do that unless it's ok with you."
Please don't feel bad about doing this in person. Having been dumped, all I want to do is be alone and cry without the other person watching. By phone is a kindness! Although I agree with others, texting is harsh.
posted by prewar lemonade at 6:37 AM on February 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Having been the instigator of breakups as well as dumped myself, I would suggest not mentioning lack of spark. It's truthful but not kind in this situation. I would go for vague, saying something like "Bob, you have been wonderful, but I have realized that we are not going to be able to give each other all we need in a relationship. We need to break up. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you take care of yourself."
If you hope to stay friends with Bob, you can say so, but let him take the lead on that. If you need to go no-contact, you can say something like, "Bob, after this conversation I'm going to need space. You didn't do anything wrong, but I need you not to call or write unless I do first, and of course I won't even do that unless it's ok with you."
Please don't feel bad about doing this in person. Having been dumped, all I want to do is be alone and cry without the other person watching. By phone is a kindness! Although I agree with others, texting is harsh.
posted by prewar lemonade at 6:37 AM on February 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Could you write out a "Dear John" letter following kinetic's variation on Beethoven Sith's approach, and hand it to him to read in front of you? You can even write something like, "I'm sorry, I respect you too much to do this over the telephone but I know I will totally panic if you try to have a conversation with me right now. Given what you know of my history, I hope you understand." And, if this is true, "If you want to call me or write me back later, I'd be happy to listen/read whatever you have to say."
I'm not saying there's any rule that you have to break up in person. But I think lot of people still find telephone break-ups extra hurtful, and I'm trying to find some way for you to be kind to him within the limitations of your own trauma.
posted by d. z. wang at 6:44 AM on February 1, 2015
I'm not saying there's any rule that you have to break up in person. But I think lot of people still find telephone break-ups extra hurtful, and I'm trying to find some way for you to be kind to him within the limitations of your own trauma.
posted by d. z. wang at 6:44 AM on February 1, 2015
I'm a PTSD therapist. If I were to help a client plan a breakup I would suggest:
-write down what you want to say and how you want to say it, and practice it until it feels manageable.
-use your grounding skills to stay in the moment and help you to remember that this is a new experience, and he is a different person than the one that hurt you. These skills can help minimize your chances of a flashback.
-plan what you will do after the interaction, even if it goes well. Will you check in with a friend, go for a walk? What will help you self-regulate and feel safe? Do you need to program a national hotline number into your phone for some coaching if necessary?
-Practice self-compassion: breakups are hard. This will be a situation that will be likely be triggering for you for some time. It will get easier. Try remembering that even if people are unhappy with us, we can be making the right decision, and it is within our rights to do so. It does not make you a bad person.
Good job for asking for help, and planning ahead.
posted by gilsonal at 6:59 AM on February 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
-write down what you want to say and how you want to say it, and practice it until it feels manageable.
-use your grounding skills to stay in the moment and help you to remember that this is a new experience, and he is a different person than the one that hurt you. These skills can help minimize your chances of a flashback.
-plan what you will do after the interaction, even if it goes well. Will you check in with a friend, go for a walk? What will help you self-regulate and feel safe? Do you need to program a national hotline number into your phone for some coaching if necessary?
-Practice self-compassion: breakups are hard. This will be a situation that will be likely be triggering for you for some time. It will get easier. Try remembering that even if people are unhappy with us, we can be making the right decision, and it is within our rights to do so. It does not make you a bad person.
Good job for asking for help, and planning ahead.
posted by gilsonal at 6:59 AM on February 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
One final thing, sting of a an extra-hurtful painful breakup < PTSD from violent assault by a factor of A LOT. There is taking other people's feelings into consideration and there's deliberately putting yourself into a triggering situation because of mores not shared by everyone. Bob is owed respect and consideration, not an interaction that would potentially re-traumatize the OP. Bob was considerate of their issues during their dating time. Not that his preference should take precedence, but why would he even want to be in that situation, knowing what it could do to the OP.
posted by prewar lemonade at 7:00 AM on February 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by prewar lemonade at 7:00 AM on February 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Not that his preference should take precedence, but why would he even want to be in that situation, knowing what it could do to the OP.
Agree 100% - this was a bad setup for Bob from the start. OP should take a break from John, and everyone else, until they are able to start and end a relationship in a healthy way.
posted by ftm at 7:44 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Agree 100% - this was a bad setup for Bob from the start. OP should take a break from John, and everyone else, until they are able to start and end a relationship in a healthy way.
posted by ftm at 7:44 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Breaking up in person is good manners. It is okay to violate the standards of good manners when it is necessary to do so for the sake of your mental health. You can even explain this, over the phone or by email--that it's not about him, it's about your needing to take care of yourself to a minimal standard first. When people say that you can't break up by email, they aren't in their heads talking to a person who's actually faced a real threat of harm in the past, they're talking to a person whose worst fear is seeing someone else cry. Take care of yourself first. You are always allowed to take care of yourself first.
posted by Sequence at 8:33 AM on February 1, 2015
posted by Sequence at 8:33 AM on February 1, 2015
I'm a big advocate of "cruel to be kind," but this is a tough situation for being kind.
Ordinarily, unattractive nice guys are rejected upfront, and know perfectly well why they're being rejected. They aren't owed any apologies or explanations.
But here you dated this guy for six months. You do owe him an explanation, and an apology. And it's quite reasonable to assume that he'll be furious, and as such you probably do want to do it by email or text. (He has a right to be angry, but you have no obligation to allow him to express it in person.)
"Bob, as you know I came into our relationship from a bad emotional and psychological place. Because you were so nice to me, I allowed myself to ignore that I was not attracted to you. I apologize to you that I was not able to do the right thing and insist we remain only friends. However, I am now able to do so, and therefore must end our relationship. I wish you the best."
posted by MattD at 8:51 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ordinarily, unattractive nice guys are rejected upfront, and know perfectly well why they're being rejected. They aren't owed any apologies or explanations.
But here you dated this guy for six months. You do owe him an explanation, and an apology. And it's quite reasonable to assume that he'll be furious, and as such you probably do want to do it by email or text. (He has a right to be angry, but you have no obligation to allow him to express it in person.)
"Bob, as you know I came into our relationship from a bad emotional and psychological place. Because you were so nice to me, I allowed myself to ignore that I was not attracted to you. I apologize to you that I was not able to do the right thing and insist we remain only friends. However, I am now able to do so, and therefore must end our relationship. I wish you the best."
posted by MattD at 8:51 AM on February 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Agree 100% - this was a bad setup for Bob from the start. OP should take a break from John, and everyone else, until they are able to start and end a relationship in a healthy way.
I think this is unfair. Every new relationship is based on some uncertainty, and "I love spending time with you although I am unsure about sex right now and need some time in a relationship to figure that out" is not even a very uncommon reason to give something a shot. Anxiety and trust issues about sex are not the sole domain of victims of abuse. Whatever the reason, those issues often require trust, and safety, and the patience and love of another person to be confronted and explored.
So it turns out Bob isn't the right person after all, for reasons that have nothing to do with the OP's PTSD and only to do with sexual incompatibility. Again, plenty of relationships end that way. Six months is a good time to figure this out. The OP is behaving in a healthy, safe and respectful way by taking this time to figure out a way to break up with Bob in way that takes the comfort and anxieties of both partners into account.
posted by wrabbit at 9:41 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think this is unfair. Every new relationship is based on some uncertainty, and "I love spending time with you although I am unsure about sex right now and need some time in a relationship to figure that out" is not even a very uncommon reason to give something a shot. Anxiety and trust issues about sex are not the sole domain of victims of abuse. Whatever the reason, those issues often require trust, and safety, and the patience and love of another person to be confronted and explored.
So it turns out Bob isn't the right person after all, for reasons that have nothing to do with the OP's PTSD and only to do with sexual incompatibility. Again, plenty of relationships end that way. Six months is a good time to figure this out. The OP is behaving in a healthy, safe and respectful way by taking this time to figure out a way to break up with Bob in way that takes the comfort and anxieties of both partners into account.
posted by wrabbit at 9:41 AM on February 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
After reading the other responses referencing PTSD, I'm just stopping by to amend what I said earlier about an in-person breakup. In your case, OP, I think a phone call or even a kindly-worded letter would be perfectly acceptable.
As far as the spark thing goes, I wouldn't necessarily interpret that as a looks thing. But I don't know Bob, so if you do think it would hurt him too much it might be too harsh. But you do want to be definitive, and not give him hope that it is just about timing or something and maybe in the future you can try again.
Good luck OP. You're being very brave and thoughtful in a tough situation.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 9:56 AM on February 1, 2015
As far as the spark thing goes, I wouldn't necessarily interpret that as a looks thing. But I don't know Bob, so if you do think it would hurt him too much it might be too harsh. But you do want to be definitive, and not give him hope that it is just about timing or something and maybe in the future you can try again.
Good luck OP. You're being very brave and thoughtful in a tough situation.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 9:56 AM on February 1, 2015
One possible white lie: say you're thinking about the future, and while he's awesome and sweet and sexy and everything, you just can't see getting married to him. In other words, everything's good, he's great, but you're looking for the guy you're gonna spend the rest of your life with and he's not that guy. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, this would be a good time to make that a big deal.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:49 PM on February 1, 2015
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:49 PM on February 1, 2015
I can't even imagine how hard this must be. I'm sorry that happened to you. It's very easy for people who have never had a partner try to kill them for breaking up say you "have to" break up in person. As if there is a rule book, and that rule book is more important than keeping your PTSD manageable?
You can do this by phone, email, even text, if you decide you need to. Yes, text will make you an asshole by the standards of people on this website who have probably never almost been murdered, and it will hurt his feelings (really, his feeling will be hurt no matter what you say or how you say it because breakups always suck), but he'll be fine and so will you.
There's a reason variations on the "it's not you, it's me" theme are standard. You owe him basic kindness, and clarity that you want to break up, but protracted explanations often turn into negotiations, and this is not negotiable. And getting into the "real" reasons is insulting, and unnecessary because it's not like he can help it that you don't feel it with him. (You definitely don't owe him an apology for not knowing at the outset that your attraction would not blossom, that's a bizarre suggestion to me.)
I would not bring up attractiveness/attraction, nor would I use "chemistry" or "spark" because anybody who is self-conscious about their appeal will read between the lines and interpret that as not being hot enough anyway.
For both your sakes, I'd keep it short and sweet. You can tell him he is awesome for x reasons and you've had a good time getting to know him, but you just don't see a future so you have to break it off. Tell him he hasn't done a thing wrong but you are sure this is for the best, and that you wish him lots of love and happiness in his future. You can thank him for your time together, if you are thankful for it.
The spark you feel with John is a good sign that you can still feel That Way, but do be cognizant that sometimes the unhealthy patterns are just itching to repeat themselves, so they present as a spark.
You are brave to do this and he sounds like a really understanding dude who will react decently even if you don't give him the "perfect" breakup some people are saying he is owed. Go easy on yourself and good luck.
posted by kapers at 10:18 AM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can do this by phone, email, even text, if you decide you need to. Yes, text will make you an asshole by the standards of people on this website who have probably never almost been murdered, and it will hurt his feelings (really, his feeling will be hurt no matter what you say or how you say it because breakups always suck), but he'll be fine and so will you.
There's a reason variations on the "it's not you, it's me" theme are standard. You owe him basic kindness, and clarity that you want to break up, but protracted explanations often turn into negotiations, and this is not negotiable. And getting into the "real" reasons is insulting, and unnecessary because it's not like he can help it that you don't feel it with him. (You definitely don't owe him an apology for not knowing at the outset that your attraction would not blossom, that's a bizarre suggestion to me.)
I would not bring up attractiveness/attraction, nor would I use "chemistry" or "spark" because anybody who is self-conscious about their appeal will read between the lines and interpret that as not being hot enough anyway.
For both your sakes, I'd keep it short and sweet. You can tell him he is awesome for x reasons and you've had a good time getting to know him, but you just don't see a future so you have to break it off. Tell him he hasn't done a thing wrong but you are sure this is for the best, and that you wish him lots of love and happiness in his future. You can thank him for your time together, if you are thankful for it.
The spark you feel with John is a good sign that you can still feel That Way, but do be cognizant that sometimes the unhealthy patterns are just itching to repeat themselves, so they present as a spark.
You are brave to do this and he sounds like a really understanding dude who will react decently even if you don't give him the "perfect" breakup some people are saying he is owed. Go easy on yourself and good luck.
posted by kapers at 10:18 AM on February 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by aetg at 8:24 PM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]