Should I try to handle these two legal cases at once?
January 28, 2015 5:13 AM Subscribe
Should I try to deal with these two difficult and scary legal situations at the same time? I have been in an abusive marriage for years and am thinking about divorce as things are getting worse, but also, a few months ago I got raped by a person I knew and trusted.
I was so ashamed and didn't tell anyone and anyways I am dealing with the marriage. I know I am worth tons more. I totally isolated for a month and then ended up overdosing (no prior history) and have PTSD from the ongoing abuse in the marriage and the rape.
I have 2 little kids and I am their primary caretaker. I am in treatment and am feeling stronger and empowered . I will never hurt myself again, ever. I found my voice finally.
I am thinking of filing for divorce soon, and also I took a lot of legal advice and was told to file a police report on the assault by the friend, I will have an advocate with me. I am not interested in any compensation. I just want to bring it to light and prevent it from happening again. It happened a couple of months ago and I just opened up about it in Jan. I didn't even know I have options.
I am scared to pursue both cases at once but keep being told by my lawyer and therapist that I should do it at one time, and would appreciate advice about whether this is a good idea. I don't want any case to affect the other but keep being told to do both at one time. Never been involved with the legal system, please advise!
I was so ashamed and didn't tell anyone and anyways I am dealing with the marriage. I know I am worth tons more. I totally isolated for a month and then ended up overdosing (no prior history) and have PTSD from the ongoing abuse in the marriage and the rape.
I have 2 little kids and I am their primary caretaker. I am in treatment and am feeling stronger and empowered . I will never hurt myself again, ever. I found my voice finally.
I am thinking of filing for divorce soon, and also I took a lot of legal advice and was told to file a police report on the assault by the friend, I will have an advocate with me. I am not interested in any compensation. I just want to bring it to light and prevent it from happening again. It happened a couple of months ago and I just opened up about it in Jan. I didn't even know I have options.
I am scared to pursue both cases at once but keep being told by my lawyer and therapist that I should do it at one time, and would appreciate advice about whether this is a good idea. I don't want any case to affect the other but keep being told to do both at one time. Never been involved with the legal system, please advise!
Why don't you want compensation? How are you going to feed your children?
I'd Strongly suggest you talk to a few divorce attorneys to learn about what is involved in getting a divorce in your state. Good luck.
posted by k8t at 6:22 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd Strongly suggest you talk to a few divorce attorneys to learn about what is involved in getting a divorce in your state. Good luck.
posted by k8t at 6:22 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am sorry, I can't answer the question - I think it's a very hard question for anyone to answer with any degree of certainty. Will you regret it? You will only know after it's all done, and it will depend on a couple of factors.
As a non-lawyer, non-psych, I can only suggest that: 1) you do your best to stay with a good, supportive therapist the whole time, 2) make sure you have a good, loyal support network who will be there for you when it all gets to be too much (does your family live nearby? who will be there to watch the kids whenever you need to be away on trial, therapy, negotiations, doing paperwork, etc?). 3) do all you can to remain physicall and emotionally strong: eat well, sleep well, cuddle with your kids, remain active so you can counteract some of the intense stress you will be feeling in the long road that is ahead of you. Try to surround yourself with love, even if you have to provide it to yourself most of the time. Keep a diary.
Good luck and best wishes! You can get through this, whichever road you choose to take!
posted by ipsative at 6:33 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a non-lawyer, non-psych, I can only suggest that: 1) you do your best to stay with a good, supportive therapist the whole time, 2) make sure you have a good, loyal support network who will be there for you when it all gets to be too much (does your family live nearby? who will be there to watch the kids whenever you need to be away on trial, therapy, negotiations, doing paperwork, etc?). 3) do all you can to remain physicall and emotionally strong: eat well, sleep well, cuddle with your kids, remain active so you can counteract some of the intense stress you will be feeling in the long road that is ahead of you. Try to surround yourself with love, even if you have to provide it to yourself most of the time. Keep a diary.
Good luck and best wishes! You can get through this, whichever road you choose to take!
posted by ipsative at 6:33 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel for you , this situation is just so hard. My guess is that if you were to pursue one action at a time, you'd only be prolonging the overall anguish.
My actual advice would be to ask your lawyer how much would be expected from you, day-to-day, for each case. As in - would it be a matter of having the lawyer draw something up, then you sit around waiting for a month while the other side responds, and in the meantime you can get on with your life (in the sense that you wouldn't have to actively participate in the legal action, I understand that it's easier said than done to just "get on" with your life). Or would running the cases together mean that you're basically living in the lawyer's office, having to work on/think about/deal with one case or the other every day?
posted by pianissimo at 7:03 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
My actual advice would be to ask your lawyer how much would be expected from you, day-to-day, for each case. As in - would it be a matter of having the lawyer draw something up, then you sit around waiting for a month while the other side responds, and in the meantime you can get on with your life (in the sense that you wouldn't have to actively participate in the legal action, I understand that it's easier said than done to just "get on" with your life). Or would running the cases together mean that you're basically living in the lawyer's office, having to work on/think about/deal with one case or the other every day?
posted by pianissimo at 7:03 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
My actual advice would be to ask your lawyer how much would be expected from you, day-to-day, for each case.
This would also be my suggestion, if they have not already done so. I wouldn't think you'd be doing much legwork on the sexual assault case - it's for someone else to do the investigation and legal work, and it will not likely move very quickly. There may, unfortunately, be almost no movement on it at all, if the DA doesn't choose to go forward with the case. But it sounds like your goal is simply to file a report, which is hard but not something that takes weeks or months to complete. Divorce can also be a hurry-up-and-wait situation.
It is possible that your lawyer is concerned that not reporting the assault might affect your divorce proceedings.
Also, this: keep being told by my lawyer and therapist that I should do it at one time,
They are more or less the experts here and you should consider taking their advice on that grounds. If you don't trust them, then get a new lawyer and therapist, but if you do trust them and are questioning their advice only because you'd rather be told there's an easier way, it's not going to get a whole lot easier no matter what you do.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:25 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
This would also be my suggestion, if they have not already done so. I wouldn't think you'd be doing much legwork on the sexual assault case - it's for someone else to do the investigation and legal work, and it will not likely move very quickly. There may, unfortunately, be almost no movement on it at all, if the DA doesn't choose to go forward with the case. But it sounds like your goal is simply to file a report, which is hard but not something that takes weeks or months to complete. Divorce can also be a hurry-up-and-wait situation.
It is possible that your lawyer is concerned that not reporting the assault might affect your divorce proceedings.
Also, this: keep being told by my lawyer and therapist that I should do it at one time,
They are more or less the experts here and you should consider taking their advice on that grounds. If you don't trust them, then get a new lawyer and therapist, but if you do trust them and are questioning their advice only because you'd rather be told there's an easier way, it's not going to get a whole lot easier no matter what you do.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:25 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you were my friend, I'd advise you to rip the band-aid off and do them at the same time, especially since that's the advice that your getting from your professional team. You have a team! Because you are awesome and they want to support you!
Things will be so hard for the next little while, but you'll feel so much better once you are free of your marriage, and the police are doing what they can (caveat: it may not be much) about your rapist.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Things will be so hard for the next little while, but you'll feel so much better once you are free of your marriage, and the police are doing what they can (caveat: it may not be much) about your rapist.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are you in contact with a domestic violence shelter or support group? If you're not, I would strongly, strongly urge you to establish a relationship now. They have resources available to help you sort all of this out, from legal advice, to therapists who can help weigh in on the pros and cons of pursuing both cases, to potentially providing shelter for you and your children if you need it. The National Domestic Violence hotline can help you get in touch with local resources 1-800-799-SAFE.
You are so strong and so worthy of the better days that are ahead of you. Sending you healing and all the very best as you make your way forward.
posted by goggie at 7:59 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
You are so strong and so worthy of the better days that are ahead of you. Sending you healing and all the very best as you make your way forward.
posted by goggie at 7:59 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hey Guys Thank u so much . I really appreciate it . I know its not an easy situation to advise on . Im sorry I meant I dont want compensation from the rape . I just want to bring it to light as his personal history is bad. Im not sure even what will happen after I file a report. I will definitely get compensation in the divorce as a lot has happened. I do have an amazing divorce lawyer. I do have a health/beauty back round yes there is a gap but I will get back into it . Thanks I will take care of myself first. I do have family and a lot of friends. The problem is I have been maintaining a perfect front. I dont share but I listen to everyone's problems. I know not working too well for me! Yes I think when I file a police report it will be a waiting game and nothing may come from it except it being on the file which is fine with me . Ur comments r helping me , Thank u again for being awesome so far . Its tough but I will get through it . Yes I was in contact with RAIN and they pointed me to some advocates who r willing to come with me when I file a report . Re: the abuse in the marriage yes I am opening up a lot to the Therapist. Im done protecting now speaking up. Thanks again
posted by Anya17 at 8:07 AM on January 28, 2015
posted by Anya17 at 8:07 AM on January 28, 2015
As someone who had the same dilemma (though different scenarios) I would say categorically DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING BOTH AT ONCE. The emotional toll of taking an abuser through the court is more enormous that most people can ever even imagine. Around 80%+ victims will drop out of taking a domestic abuser to court for this reason because the system is so brutal, insane and tilted in favour of perpetrators. I sincerely doubt your lawyer or therapist have taken someone through the court to even suggest someone with PTSD takes on both situations at the same time. This is not to say don't take the abuser to court.. ofcourse we all need people to do that (and on some level it can be 'good' for the survivor) but it will be the fight of your life and at a vulnerable time - so shore up your resources.. be with safe and trusted people and feel free to memail me.. but I have a helluva hectic few days so might not get back to you straight away :)
It is bloody horrendous how stuff can come at once. So sorry you have all this to deal with.. Jeez.. do whatever you can to self care.
posted by tanktop at 9:48 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
It is bloody horrendous how stuff can come at once. So sorry you have all this to deal with.. Jeez.. do whatever you can to self care.
posted by tanktop at 9:48 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can certainly understand the idea of doing both of these things at the same time.
My two cents: are you set financially for however long this is going to take? I dislike bringing money into the situation, but frankly, if you're going to deal with the combined stress of these two things, you probably don't want to deal with the stress of not knowing where your next rent check is coming from. So if it comes down to it, do you have enough savings to live off of for the next 6(?) months?
Stay strong.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:58 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
My two cents: are you set financially for however long this is going to take? I dislike bringing money into the situation, but frankly, if you're going to deal with the combined stress of these two things, you probably don't want to deal with the stress of not knowing where your next rent check is coming from. So if it comes down to it, do you have enough savings to live off of for the next 6(?) months?
Stay strong.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:58 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I see no reason why you wouldn't do both at once. Criminal cases obviously have up-front victim involvement, but there's not day-in, day-out involvement the way there would be if you were the person charged with a crime. I don't know what state you're in, but in a criminal case, you'll probably talk to one (or several) police officers or detectives. If the prosecutors decides to file charges, you'll appear once for some sort of preliminary hearing or grand jury proceeding. Your next involvement will probably be testifying at trial, which could happen in a short time frame if the defendant is in custody, or an extended timeframe (years, potentially) if he is not in custody. People like investigators for either the state or defense might bug you in the meantime but it won't be a constant stream.
posted by Happydaz at 10:01 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Happydaz at 10:01 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
When you think of doing them one after the other, which one would you do first? What specific resolution would you be waiting for to start the second process? Do you know how long that would take, and are you really comfortable with waiting that long to begin the second?
If you move forward with the rape charges while staying with your husband: how will your husband react to the rape charges - does he already know? Will he be supportive or will being around him make it harder for you to deal with?
If you want to divorce first: will waiting to file the rape affect your reception by the police? How long does a divorce normally take in your state, and how long does your lawyer anticipate your specific case could take (would your husband try and drag it out forever)? Would you be hiding the rape from people during the divorce, or simply not going to the police yet?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:37 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you move forward with the rape charges while staying with your husband: how will your husband react to the rape charges - does he already know? Will he be supportive or will being around him make it harder for you to deal with?
If you want to divorce first: will waiting to file the rape affect your reception by the police? How long does a divorce normally take in your state, and how long does your lawyer anticipate your specific case could take (would your husband try and drag it out forever)? Would you be hiding the rape from people during the divorce, or simply not going to the police yet?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:37 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Around 80%+ victims will drop out of taking a domestic abuser to court
OP is not a"taking a domestic abuser to court"; she is divorcing him, not pressing charges. She is not taking her rapist to court, either, though there's always a chance that the state may do so.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
OP is not a"taking a domestic abuser to court"; she is divorcing him, not pressing charges. She is not taking her rapist to court, either, though there's always a chance that the state may do so.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks . I totally understand taking on 2 things at once and that too with PTSD but its related and it could be a part of my healing too . I kept quiet and protected people who hurt me. Only thing is I am exposed to a lot of resources and a lot of options which I didn't know I have . Sorry u went through a similar situation . Sometimes everything happens at once . Maybe it's a lesson to speak up from now on. Finances are very important. I am capable right now to do it . I don't know the future but I will be fine. True who knows what will come out of filing a report but at least it will be there. Even if it is taken up by the DA I dont always have to be present. Honestly I always think of just taking care of both cases at once. My husband knows and wants me to file but isnt very supportive as I am done and want a divorce as he has done too many things in the last year including shutting down a health/beauty business I was starting & the abuse/control. I will not rely on him for anything.I dont trust him. Legally I am told the rape case would not affect the divorce. If it comes up in the divorce I will be open about it & about the PTSD. I feel going for both at once would at least not drag it out. I waited couple of months all ready after that assault so was just thinking about that as well . Thank u all soo much . You dont know how much I appreciate it. You r all Awesome.
posted by Anya17 at 11:53 AM on January 28, 2015
posted by Anya17 at 11:53 AM on January 28, 2015
In my experience, legal action around personal issues is draining, but a great attorney can also be a source of support, and protect you from the worst of it. There doesn't seem to be any advantage to postponing one of the cases, there may actually be a cost (to your well-being) to doing so. If I were in your shoes, I'd wrangle up all my support, and proceed with both cases at the same time.
posted by MrBobinski at 6:18 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MrBobinski at 6:18 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank u all again. I know its a hard question to even answer as it is . I guess I know what I have to do . I appreciate your awesome advice .
posted by Anya17 at 4:23 AM on January 29, 2015
posted by Anya17 at 4:23 AM on January 29, 2015
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Accept that for the next year, your life will suck. But it's been sucking for a long time. So one more year or so and then you'll be on the other side of all of this. Work towards the peace that awaits you when all of the legal wrangling is behind you.
Good luck to you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:22 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]