How do I distract myself from being lovesick?

January 23, 2015 10:23 AM

I'm in total limerance with a guy I met three weeks ago. He left yesterday and will be gone for a month. Thinking about being apart when we've just met makes me panicky and as a normally totally independent woman I hate it.

We've had the conversation that we really like each other, we will be introducing each other to our families when he gets back, and we are all set to pick up where we left off.

I realize how dumb this sounds but I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the month. We've spent almost all our free evenings together for the last two weeks and are totally head over heels for eachother.

The panic does not arise from fear that he will meet someone else, but maybe that once the limerance fades he won't like me as much when he gets back.

Rationally I am happy that he's going because it will be good to cool the jets for awhile and get some perspective from distance.

We are both in our 30s.

I have been (happily) single for so long that I feel like my heart is outside my body and I hate it! I'm used to caring pretty much only about myself and I don't like questioning what someone else is thinking of me.

My question is -
- has anyone been in this situation - where you were apart from your new bf/gf soon after you met and struggled with it? What helped you deal with it?
- Can you think of any month long projects I can do to distract myself? I am already in school so I will be studying a ton and I also run 4x/week.

posted by pintapicasso to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Instead of constantly trying to not think about him, let yourself occasionally dwell on it. You don't necessarily have to distract yourself from him, but giving yourself an outlet to vent those overwhelming feelings may help. Then you can get back to other business, satiated.

Hand-write him a love letter (or three). Write about the special moments you've had, the things you like about him, how you're hardly containing yourself for all your excitement about seeing him again. It will take time. You don't have to give it to him when he gets back, indeed it may be better to just hold onto it and give it to him later when you're more established as a couple.

You could also make him something - can you crochet/knit? draw? paint? any other crafty things? Depending on how fast you work on it, in balanced with your other obligations, it might take a month.
posted by lizbunny at 11:55 AM on January 23, 2015

hello. i was in this exact situation two years ago, even down to the three weeks. only difference is that i was the one leaving, for five weeks, on a vacation i had planned before we started dating. it was kind of a bummer because i had been really excited about this vacation, but then this happened and i was all "uuuughh i don't wanna goooo".

we didn't even establish the "relationship" before i left, so you're already ahead! that's a huge commitment to make three weeks into a relationship, and i think you should trust that he made it consciously knowing how he feels about you.

i was abroad, but we both had iphones so imessages actually helped me a lot. i can get pretty insecure and anxious in my head, so getting a text from him everyday (was not expected) really comforted me. i think staying in touch gave me a concrete reminder he's still on the same page. can you guys text? or email? snail mail would be even better, giving you something to spend time on.

distraction's the best way to do this. what hobbies do you have that you can spend more time on? what about some night classes or events for something you've always wanted to learn? learn to meditate? have dinner parties with friends? think about this as the last time (in a while maybe) you'll have a lot of free time to yourself to do whatever the hell you want. is it possible to take a short vacation yourself?

on top of it all, i constantly reminded myself that whatever happens will happen, and whatever happens i'll be fine. it's been almost two years and we're still together. feel free to memail me if you want to chat more.
posted by monologish at 12:15 PM on January 23, 2015

I say steer into the skid and enjoy the limerance. Just don't make any decisions based on it!

Have a friend you can gush to.

Will he be away from internet on his trip? Otherwise skype / email is your friend. A similar thing happened to me, my partner had a 2wk vacation right after we started up. I gave him a small token parting gift and he sent me pictures of the toy from various places in Europe, and sent a few text messages as well. Otherwise I just planned the welcome I wanted to give him when he got back!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:31 PM on January 23, 2015

when I get into this situation, I give myself STERN TALKING TOs.

I get all moony and starry eyed and I say to myself "euphoria, are you the type of silly girl who is completely in love with someone after three weeks and opens yourself up to getting much more hurt than would be completely necessary from this relationship? no I am not. no you are not, and you will rein it in, girl."

and then I will cook something or research how to cut wine bottles in half or learn to crochet or watch a bunch of tv or mow the lawn and pretend I'm not just mooning around making up lovey dovey scenarios for when he returns.

I guess my advice is, do things to distract yourself, tell yourself that you're being silly, but then also just go ahead and be a little silly. we all do it, and if it works out it's nice to look back on those times.

my fiance went away for a couple weeks and was just really busy with a bunch of previous planned stuff when we first met and I did a lot of this. However, he felt the same and we ended up texting and swooning a lot separately, so hopefully he'll just text you a whole bunch and you won't need to be completely distracted :P
posted by euphoria066 at 12:48 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm going to suggest something different, the idea that you are not in limerance with this guy, but that at various times of the day, you have powerful feelings of limerence for this guy. There's a big difference. So what you do is every time you have that crush feeling, you acknowledge it, allow it to wash over you, and then let it go. It might come back in 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 5 hours. But the more you notice it the more it will last a shorter and shorter time. Eventually it will be a pleasant experience that happens one or two times a day. This is a basic mindfulness technique. Good luck.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 PM on January 23, 2015

I was in a similar situation once. We dated only briefly before he went away on a ship for over a month. We couldn't talk on the phone or text but he could send emails. We wrote each other long, in depth emails with updates on our lives and plans for when he got back. We sent pictures and really got to know each other, too. It was actually really nice and something I could look forward to through out the weeks. It made reuniting that much greater. So I say make the best out of this and enjoy it. He'll be back before you know it.
posted by blackzinfandel at 1:55 AM on January 24, 2015

Eat chocolate. Real, high-quality chocolate. Chocolate is functionally like methadone for love -- it has a similar enough effect on brain chemistry as being with one's beloved that it will help take the edge off.

Also, get a really immersive video game. The kind that you accidentally lose a couple weeks of your life to, but this time on purpose. Skyrim or Dragon Age might be good choices, or Civilization if you're more into strategy games.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:26 PM on January 24, 2015

pintapicasso: and as a normally totally independent woman I hate it.

Just wanted to say: there's nothing gender-related about this feeling, I guarantee you, so it's OK to feel this way as a feminist. Being in limerance/having a crush/beginning to fall in love almost requires a person to go through this attachment anxiety period (which, if you aren't forcibly separated, is reduced to the level of "Gee, we haven't texted in, like, ONE HOUR!").
posted by IAmBroom at 2:46 PM on January 26, 2015