Ex-friend still wants to be friends
January 20, 2015 5:19 PM Subscribe
I broke things off with an old friend and she texts DH with messages to me. I want her to stop doing this. It has been over two years since I ended our friendship. Snowflakes after the jump.
I have an old friend who I put on permanent hiatus about 2 years ago. She became a habitual liar, a user, passive-aggressive, and showed very poor character many times in recent years. I finally walked away from her. I couldn’t take the drama and felt our friendship was one-sided. She didn’t accept it well and tried to get me to restart things but I just can't deal with her, and she is sadly beyond helping as far as I can help her. She calls me twice a year for some random quasi-important to her thing, I'm always cordial but cool. I get off the phone as quickly as I can, within moments. I don’t get angry at her but I won’t engage her either.
My problem is she occasionally texts DH, like holidays, my bday, etc. She'll write things like Please tell Hank merry Christmas since she won’t talk to me/hates me, etc. She tried similar stuff on fb when I pulled away from her and it eventually ended, but she never stops texting. She doesn't have my current phone number.
Should I call or text her? If so, what do I say? I don't want to let her think things are negotiable between us, they aren’t. If I were to contact her, it needs to be once only. She's always in the midst of turmoil and upheaval. She's got a shit-ton of problems, all self-inflicted but still I feel bad for her. Not bad enough to get mired in it though. I’d like to do it quickly and kindly if possible.
I have an old friend who I put on permanent hiatus about 2 years ago. She became a habitual liar, a user, passive-aggressive, and showed very poor character many times in recent years. I finally walked away from her. I couldn’t take the drama and felt our friendship was one-sided. She didn’t accept it well and tried to get me to restart things but I just can't deal with her, and she is sadly beyond helping as far as I can help her. She calls me twice a year for some random quasi-important to her thing, I'm always cordial but cool. I get off the phone as quickly as I can, within moments. I don’t get angry at her but I won’t engage her either.
My problem is she occasionally texts DH, like holidays, my bday, etc. She'll write things like Please tell Hank merry Christmas since she won’t talk to me/hates me, etc. She tried similar stuff on fb when I pulled away from her and it eventually ended, but she never stops texting. She doesn't have my current phone number.
Should I call or text her? If so, what do I say? I don't want to let her think things are negotiable between us, they aren’t. If I were to contact her, it needs to be once only. She's always in the midst of turmoil and upheaval. She's got a shit-ton of problems, all self-inflicted but still I feel bad for her. Not bad enough to get mired in it though. I’d like to do it quickly and kindly if possible.
You should tell her to stop contacting you - it doesn't sound like you have - and then you and your spouse should block her number as Sara C. suggests.
She calls me twice a year for some random quasi-important to her thing, I'm always cordial but cool. I get off the phone as quickly as I can...
You're just rewarding her behavior by doing this. If you and your spouse don't take her calls at all, she won't have the incentive to keep calling.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:26 PM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
She calls me twice a year for some random quasi-important to her thing, I'm always cordial but cool. I get off the phone as quickly as I can...
You're just rewarding her behavior by doing this. If you and your spouse don't take her calls at all, she won't have the incentive to keep calling.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:26 PM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
Tell your spouse to not pass on the messages to you, that you don't want to hear this person's name mentioned as there is no point to it.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:33 PM on January 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:33 PM on January 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Cut any and all contact. I think any communication from either of you will give her reason to keep trying.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:35 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:35 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Block her. It really is that simple. If she manages to get through, hang up on her. "I don't want to talk to you."
Go ahead, be rude.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:46 PM on January 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Go ahead, be rude.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:46 PM on January 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Tell your spouse to not pass on the messages to you, that you don't want to hear this person's name mentioned as there is no point to it.
Yep. You've done your part and now you and DH need to be a team and put a stop to this. He needs to be on Team You Guys which means he can either ignore her or block her or have his own relationship with her but he should honor your "no contact" wishes and not tell you about her attempts to contact him. You cant make her change her behavior, as I'm sure you know. Not engaging seems like the right way to go, it just needs to expand to somehow include DH as well.
posted by jessamyn at 5:48 PM on January 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yep. You've done your part and now you and DH need to be a team and put a stop to this. He needs to be on Team You Guys which means he can either ignore her or block her or have his own relationship with her but he should honor your "no contact" wishes and not tell you about her attempts to contact him. You cant make her change her behavior, as I'm sure you know. Not engaging seems like the right way to go, it just needs to expand to somehow include DH as well.
posted by jessamyn at 5:48 PM on January 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
No, you should NOT call or text her, especially given that she doesn't have your current phone number -- because you doing so would pretty much be giving it to her, right??
Your husband clearly needs to block her on his phone already - and/or just stop passing her messages on to you. I gotta say though, your prior Ask definitely sheds light on why your husband doesn't exactly have that whole Team You Guys thing going on right now.
posted by hush at 6:13 PM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your husband clearly needs to block her on his phone already - and/or just stop passing her messages on to you. I gotta say though, your prior Ask definitely sheds light on why your husband doesn't exactly have that whole Team You Guys thing going on right now.
posted by hush at 6:13 PM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Have you ever actually told her you don't want to keep in touch? I think the answers above might be a tad harsh. I can picture an AskMe from her perspective:
"I have a friend I'm in touch with occasionally. We have short phone calls a couple times a year. I've felt she's been pulling away recently. I text her spouse on holidays and birthdays asking to pass along my well wishes. Do you think she's angry with me? How can I figure out whether I did something to offend her, or whether she's just busy/doesn't want to be friends for a reason that has nothing to do with me?"
If you haven't actually ever told her you'd rather not keep in touch and you're still taking her occasional calls, I could see her potentially being a bit clueless here.
posted by sunflower16 at 6:54 PM on January 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
"I have a friend I'm in touch with occasionally. We have short phone calls a couple times a year. I've felt she's been pulling away recently. I text her spouse on holidays and birthdays asking to pass along my well wishes. Do you think she's angry with me? How can I figure out whether I did something to offend her, or whether she's just busy/doesn't want to be friends for a reason that has nothing to do with me?"
If you haven't actually ever told her you'd rather not keep in touch and you're still taking her occasional calls, I could see her potentially being a bit clueless here.
posted by sunflower16 at 6:54 PM on January 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
The next time you take a call from her, say something along the lines of "please don't contact me again, have a nice life," and then hang up. Let her know, clearly, that you don't want her to contact you again. Don't offer excuses or reasons, they'll likely just be seen as an invitation to argue with you about the situation. Then block her in all of the ways you can.
It's only fair to let her know that you don't want her to contact you again. Not everyone will pick up on a hint. You also need to get your partner on board with this, as he will need to block her in all of the ways he can, too.
posted by Solomon at 1:17 AM on January 21, 2015
It's only fair to let her know that you don't want her to contact you again. Not everyone will pick up on a hint. You also need to get your partner on board with this, as he will need to block her in all of the ways he can, too.
posted by Solomon at 1:17 AM on January 21, 2015
Could your partner not just respond "I know spouse has asked you not to contact him/her anymore. I assume you mean well, but it feels disingenuous of you to text me as her proxy. I'm blocking your number, so any further messages won't reach me. Take care."?
posted by tapir-whorf at 1:35 AM on January 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tapir-whorf at 1:35 AM on January 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think your friend is perfectly aware that you prefer not to be contacted, since she is texting things like "Please tell Hank merry Christmas since she won’t talk to me/hates me, etc." A truly clueless person would instead write something like: "Hey, I haven't heard back from Hank lately and just want to make sure she's okay and nothing bad has happened to her." The wording indicates that she is very well aware that you're not interested in a conversation, but she wants to push it anyway. Given that, I would block without feeling too harsh.
It's not clear to me whether your husband has an independent friendship with this woman outside fo the fact that you don't want to remain in touch. Obviously that would make blocking her on his phone a bit complicated! If that is the case, I would just tell him to manage the friendship himself and either ask her to stop using him as a go-between, or to simply not pass along any messages since you definitely do not want to receive them.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:06 AM on January 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's not clear to me whether your husband has an independent friendship with this woman outside fo the fact that you don't want to remain in touch. Obviously that would make blocking her on his phone a bit complicated! If that is the case, I would just tell him to manage the friendship himself and either ask her to stop using him as a go-between, or to simply not pass along any messages since you definitely do not want to receive them.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:06 AM on January 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the helpful responses. DH is not friends with her, in fact he thinks little of her. I will block her from his phone. She has probably texted my old number too, I have an old cell phone I don't use but keep minutes on it in case of emergency. I agree with those saying it encourages her if I make contact, that's what I was afraid of. I don't want to start round two of her trying to reignite our friendship. Yes, I have told her our relationship is over. She knows, she is just desperate.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 6:33 AM on January 21, 2015
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 6:33 AM on January 21, 2015
you frame this as an issue with a former friend, but it seems like a relationship issue to me. why is he passing these messages to you? why does it fall to you to block her on his phone? it's especially strange since he's not friends with her. what does he gain from upsetting you with this?
posted by nadawi at 7:18 AM on January 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 7:18 AM on January 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: DH doesn't gain anything. He laughs and says 'She texted me again. She's nuts.' He isn't bothered but I'd like it to stop, it's as if she's triangulating to me. She's really passive-aggressive so I know she's trying to get sympathy and to get me to call her. She texts him about 2-3 times a year. He hasn't said anything to me, I'm taking it upon myself to want to block her. It's annoying mostly, I'm not afraid of her, I don't fear anything between them, believe me, she is not his type. Just annoying and needs to stop so she doesn't think there's any chance of us hanging out or talking.
The sad part is, I don't hate her, I just feel like we have nothing in common anymore. She hasn't rolled with the changes that life brings very well and enjoys being a victim of everything that happens to her. I've tried many times over the years to help her to no avail, and it's not my job anymore. She chose not to keep up with our friendship for years at a time and when she woke up and realized friends are hard to come by (and she burnt all her other bridges) she wants me to accept her. Some of the favors I did for her are way beyond regular friends favors. I went deep for her many times and she hasn't repaid most of the big favors, she can't anyway. Which is fine, I didn't help her in order to get anything in return but it shows her selfishness imo. She's a taker not a giver.
Three of her exes have literally moved away to escape her, across the nation. Thankfully she isn't stalking me, she seems to reserve that for ex-lovers. And to my advantage she doesn't have the money or smarts to stalk me.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 10:02 AM on January 21, 2015
The sad part is, I don't hate her, I just feel like we have nothing in common anymore. She hasn't rolled with the changes that life brings very well and enjoys being a victim of everything that happens to her. I've tried many times over the years to help her to no avail, and it's not my job anymore. She chose not to keep up with our friendship for years at a time and when she woke up and realized friends are hard to come by (and she burnt all her other bridges) she wants me to accept her. Some of the favors I did for her are way beyond regular friends favors. I went deep for her many times and she hasn't repaid most of the big favors, she can't anyway. Which is fine, I didn't help her in order to get anything in return but it shows her selfishness imo. She's a taker not a giver.
Three of her exes have literally moved away to escape her, across the nation. Thankfully she isn't stalking me, she seems to reserve that for ex-lovers. And to my advantage she doesn't have the money or smarts to stalk me.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 10:02 AM on January 21, 2015
i'm not suggesting an affair - i'm not suggesting anything about her at all - i was just saying it might be worth considering why your husband would tell you about these texts and why he didn't block her before - is he gaining any type of thrill from making you upset or frustrated. if someone was trying to contact my partner through me and it made my partner upset i'd tell them the first time and then fix it from my end then on out. i find it strange your partner has chosen a few times a year to upset you with this news.
posted by nadawi at 10:35 AM on January 21, 2015
posted by nadawi at 10:35 AM on January 21, 2015
He isn't bothered but I'd like it to stop, it's as if she's triangulating to me.
She is. She's a bad person. However, she can't do this without his assistance. You are in a relationship with him and he is the person you have an ability to negotiate with so that you can both get more or less what you want out of life. She is not. You can't control other people. This is one of those things I got from Al-Anon but it's germane to a lot of different situations. You present her as a crazy person. You can't negotiate with crazy, nor should you.
My unasked-for opinion is that this is partly about your relationship with DH. She should be dead to you, basically. And if DH supports this, he should help make it so.
I feel you since I have sometimes has this issue, in the past, with my not-always-filtering partner. He'll blurt out something about his ex (something nasty she said about me, as an example) and it would make me feel bad. I was trying to establish good boundaries but I felt that his continuing to bring her up was causing a problem. He'd be upset that I was upset, but wouldn't take responsibility for maybe doing the filtering at his level to avoid all of this. My question for him was "Why are you telling me this? You know this upsets me." So I'd ask yourself if the issue with wanting her to stop (even though you pretty much know she won't which is what you've told us) is partly not wanting to have to negotiate this with DH and have him let you down?
posted by jessamyn at 2:55 PM on January 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
She is. She's a bad person. However, she can't do this without his assistance. You are in a relationship with him and he is the person you have an ability to negotiate with so that you can both get more or less what you want out of life. She is not. You can't control other people. This is one of those things I got from Al-Anon but it's germane to a lot of different situations. You present her as a crazy person. You can't negotiate with crazy, nor should you.
My unasked-for opinion is that this is partly about your relationship with DH. She should be dead to you, basically. And if DH supports this, he should help make it so.
I feel you since I have sometimes has this issue, in the past, with my not-always-filtering partner. He'll blurt out something about his ex (something nasty she said about me, as an example) and it would make me feel bad. I was trying to establish good boundaries but I felt that his continuing to bring her up was causing a problem. He'd be upset that I was upset, but wouldn't take responsibility for maybe doing the filtering at his level to avoid all of this. My question for him was "Why are you telling me this? You know this upsets me." So I'd ask yourself if the issue with wanting her to stop (even though you pretty much know she won't which is what you've told us) is partly not wanting to have to negotiate this with DH and have him let you down?
posted by jessamyn at 2:55 PM on January 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the replies. I did a lot of thinking and spoke to DH. He said I could block her if I want to, but for now I am not doing that. She hasn't contacted him recently and I am hoping she doesn't text him again. I think I was overthinking this.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:49 AM on February 21, 2015
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:49 AM on February 21, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sara C. at 5:20 PM on January 20, 2015 [20 favorites]