Should I stay or should I go?
January 20, 2015 11:06 AM Subscribe
Tonight, my husband again stated that he is unwilling to change things that are negatively impacting our marriage. I'm looking for resources that will help me determine if I should try to fix this or walk away.
He's been in a bad mood lately and tonight said that he can't help snapping us sometimes (me and our teenage child). He was diagnosed with a mental illness when he was younger, took meds and was hospitalized. As a result, he refuses to go back on medication. Or therapy. I called him out on this, saying 'when I can't help snapping at people, it's because I've forgotten to take my pill. But if you won't take responsibility, we'll keep walking on eggshells."
He's very selfish, but not abusive. He doesn't have a good relationship with our child. The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate.
Part of me knows that the above paragraph is a good enough to reason to leave, but I've never lived on my own and don't know if I could function as head of household. The thought of leaving is terrifying and thrilling. He's my best friend but I'm not sure if that's enough anymore. I'm looking for a book that will help me figure out my best course of action. I've looked through Amazon, but it seems to be mostly "how to decide... yeah, you totally want a divorce!"
Please know that couples' therapy is not an option. I've tried.
He's been in a bad mood lately and tonight said that he can't help snapping us sometimes (me and our teenage child). He was diagnosed with a mental illness when he was younger, took meds and was hospitalized. As a result, he refuses to go back on medication. Or therapy. I called him out on this, saying 'when I can't help snapping at people, it's because I've forgotten to take my pill. But if you won't take responsibility, we'll keep walking on eggshells."
He's very selfish, but not abusive. He doesn't have a good relationship with our child. The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate.
Part of me knows that the above paragraph is a good enough to reason to leave, but I've never lived on my own and don't know if I could function as head of household. The thought of leaving is terrifying and thrilling. He's my best friend but I'm not sure if that's enough anymore. I'm looking for a book that will help me figure out my best course of action. I've looked through Amazon, but it seems to be mostly "how to decide... yeah, you totally want a divorce!"
Please know that couples' therapy is not an option. I've tried.
The classic: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:17 AM on January 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:17 AM on January 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
I've looked through Amazon, but it seems to be mostly "how to decide... yeah, you totally want a divorce!"
Not sure if you've come across this book or not yet though-- Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. It has been recommended here quite a lot.
...Or on preview what chesty_a_arthur just said!
posted by hush at 11:18 AM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not sure if you've come across this book or not yet though-- Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. It has been recommended here quite a lot.
...Or on preview what chesty_a_arthur just said!
posted by hush at 11:18 AM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
but it seems to be mostly "how to decide... yeah, you totally want a divorce!"
Apologies if this sounds trite, but there's a reason for this. If you're looking for books to tell you if you should get divorced, you're probably looking for permission more than actual advice. And if it helps, I'm giving you permission, right here. You're unhappy and your husband refuses to make changes to address that. You said almost nothing positive about him in this question. Move on.
posted by almostmanda at 11:19 AM on January 20, 2015 [32 favorites]
Apologies if this sounds trite, but there's a reason for this. If you're looking for books to tell you if you should get divorced, you're probably looking for permission more than actual advice. And if it helps, I'm giving you permission, right here. You're unhappy and your husband refuses to make changes to address that. You said almost nothing positive about him in this question. Move on.
posted by almostmanda at 11:19 AM on January 20, 2015 [32 favorites]
Have you and your husband discussed the possibility of divorce? It seems like you've talked about what's negatively impacting the marriage, but is he aware of the stakes in his continued behavior?
posted by xingcat at 11:22 AM on January 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 11:22 AM on January 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
If he is unwilling to try to do the things you need to be happy (meds, therapy), then you should not feel obligated to stay with him. He CAN help snapping at you and your child if he cared enough to address his mental issues, he just doesn't value your feelings enough to do it.
You are allowed to be happy. You are entitled to a partner that supports you and cares about your feelings. It will be better for your child if you are a happy, fulfilled person who does not need to walk on eggshells all the time.
Divorce is hard and seems impossible to endure from the side that you are on, but the life on the other side is totally worth it.
posted by elvissa at 11:25 AM on January 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
You are allowed to be happy. You are entitled to a partner that supports you and cares about your feelings. It will be better for your child if you are a happy, fulfilled person who does not need to walk on eggshells all the time.
Divorce is hard and seems impossible to endure from the side that you are on, but the life on the other side is totally worth it.
posted by elvissa at 11:25 AM on January 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
Untreated mental illness is a lot like untreated addiction. The whole family caters to the sick person and everything is on that person's terms.
It's worse if the person who has a mental illness refuses to get help because there's a confirmed diagnosis, so there's a legitimate excuse, but then they won't do anything to help themselves and if it makes the rest of the family unhappy...oh well.
What exactly is the payoff for being in this marriage? Are you happy? Is your child happy? Do you feel that your husband is a full and complete partner in the family? Are decisions made with everyone's best interest in mind, or just his?
You can be the head of the household. That's easy. If you decide to divorce, you'll work out a plan that makes sense for you and your child. your husband will pay child support and perhaps spousal maintenance. It will suck a lot, you'll feel lost sometimes, there will be really shitty days. But you know what? Most of them will be good. You'll be sitting in bed, enjoying a bowl of ice cream, watching something trashy on TV and it will occur to you....this is all mine. My decisions, my choices, my preferences. I get to do exactly what I want to do. And it will be glorious!
Just for grins, take the Codependency Quiz to see if you're enabling your husband in his illness. if it seems that you're codependent, you may want to read Codependent No More to get some further insight as to why you've settled for this kind of relationship.
For this one time, make this decision only for you, because you're allowed to do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:29 AM on January 20, 2015 [16 favorites]
It's worse if the person who has a mental illness refuses to get help because there's a confirmed diagnosis, so there's a legitimate excuse, but then they won't do anything to help themselves and if it makes the rest of the family unhappy...oh well.
What exactly is the payoff for being in this marriage? Are you happy? Is your child happy? Do you feel that your husband is a full and complete partner in the family? Are decisions made with everyone's best interest in mind, or just his?
You can be the head of the household. That's easy. If you decide to divorce, you'll work out a plan that makes sense for you and your child. your husband will pay child support and perhaps spousal maintenance. It will suck a lot, you'll feel lost sometimes, there will be really shitty days. But you know what? Most of them will be good. You'll be sitting in bed, enjoying a bowl of ice cream, watching something trashy on TV and it will occur to you....this is all mine. My decisions, my choices, my preferences. I get to do exactly what I want to do. And it will be glorious!
Just for grins, take the Codependency Quiz to see if you're enabling your husband in his illness. if it seems that you're codependent, you may want to read Codependent No More to get some further insight as to why you've settled for this kind of relationship.
For this one time, make this decision only for you, because you're allowed to do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:29 AM on January 20, 2015 [16 favorites]
You can write complete paragraphs. God knows, there's plenty of "heads of households" that cannot.
Get out. Life's too short, etc.
posted by notsnot at 11:30 AM on January 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
Get out. Life's too short, etc.
posted by notsnot at 11:30 AM on January 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
This sentence:
"The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate."
is reason enough to leave.
posted by mercredi at 11:30 AM on January 20, 2015 [36 favorites]
"The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate."
is reason enough to leave.
posted by mercredi at 11:30 AM on January 20, 2015 [36 favorites]
Here are two books that have helped me in the past. Should You Leave? by Peter Kramer and How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, by Howard Halpern
posted by janey47 at 11:31 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by janey47 at 11:31 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate.
As a dad, this gave me a little ache in the middle of my chest - when you're dealing with a kid, this is a kind of emotional abuse. I know adults who are still struggling, in their 40s, with the consequences of growing up with cold and unaffectionate parents.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:35 AM on January 20, 2015 [35 favorites]
As a dad, this gave me a little ache in the middle of my chest - when you're dealing with a kid, this is a kind of emotional abuse. I know adults who are still struggling, in their 40s, with the consequences of growing up with cold and unaffectionate parents.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:35 AM on January 20, 2015 [35 favorites]
Telling the husband she is contemplating divorce right now could be detrimental and inflammatory in soooooo many ways - I would not do it in this situation, OP.
I would talk to reasonable professionals (lawyers, therapists, financial advisors or accountants) to get a GREAT plan together. That plan would include how and when to safely tell your husband things are changing to protect yourself and your child.
Talk to unbiased professionals, don't hold back details. Get a plan together. Your plan may or may not include divorce. Your plan will include creating a pleasant emotionally stable homelife for you and your child, and financial security, too.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:36 AM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would talk to reasonable professionals (lawyers, therapists, financial advisors or accountants) to get a GREAT plan together. That plan would include how and when to safely tell your husband things are changing to protect yourself and your child.
Talk to unbiased professionals, don't hold back details. Get a plan together. Your plan may or may not include divorce. Your plan will include creating a pleasant emotionally stable homelife for you and your child, and financial security, too.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:36 AM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
This sentence:
"The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate."
is reason enough to leave.
I cannot favorite this enough.
It's one thing deciding YOU are OK staying in a miserable marriage, but quite clearly, your husband is fucking your child up in the process.
If you won't leave for you, leave for your little one
posted by JenThePro at 11:37 AM on January 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
"The child adores him and wants to please him, but he's never been affectionate."
is reason enough to leave.
I cannot favorite this enough.
It's one thing deciding YOU are OK staying in a miserable marriage, but quite clearly, your husband is fucking your child up in the process.
If you won't leave for you, leave for your little one
posted by JenThePro at 11:37 AM on January 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
I'm looking for resources that will help me determine if I should try to fix this or walk away.
It takes two dedicated people who are invested in fixing things to fix a marriage that is dysfunctional. Your husband has told you clearly in both words and actions that he is not interested in making any changes in his own behavior. So, you have your answer. You can't "fix" anything by yourself.
posted by quince at 11:42 AM on January 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
It takes two dedicated people who are invested in fixing things to fix a marriage that is dysfunctional. Your husband has told you clearly in both words and actions that he is not interested in making any changes in his own behavior. So, you have your answer. You can't "fix" anything by yourself.
posted by quince at 11:42 AM on January 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
Tonight, my husband again stated that he is unwilling to change things that are negatively impacting our marriage... He was diagnosed with a mental illness when he was younger, took meds and was hospitalized. As a result, he refuses to go back on medication. Or therapy.
There's a line that folks around here are always pulling out at times like this: When someone tells you who they are, listen.
I was partnered with a guy like this for a very long time, and eventually, all of my life decisions centered on trying to ensure that he would be the least angry with and/or least depressed about whatever I chose to do. If I had something to say that might set him off, I just didn't talk about it, and eventually, I couldn't really say anything at all. But there was nothing else I could do as long as he refused to get help, and he remained adamant in his refusal no matter how much it was hurting me. It felt like trying to drag an unconscious person to shore from the middle of the ocean. So ultimately, I had to come to grips with the fact that I could only actually change one person's feelings and actions when it came to addressing the problems with the way we were living, and that person was me. Same with you.
I've never lived on my own and don't know if I could function as head of household. The thought of leaving is terrifying and thrilling.
By the power vested in me by the state of the pseudonymous internet, I am giving you permission to be thrilled. Think about what your and your child's lives could be like without the burden of your husband's misery and refusal to address his problems. I've talked a few of my girlfriends through their divorces, and a sense of bone-chilling terror mixed with unfathomable glee is the most common thread to run through all of them. In every case, I've been honored to watch as their lives blossomed from a place of cold uncertainty to straight-up delight. The sense of psychological freedom you feel when you exit a LTR with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions is downright transformational. It blows the doors open on life. A bunch of us here have experienced it and you can, too.
Good luck, we're rooting for you!
posted by divined by radio at 11:54 AM on January 20, 2015 [50 favorites]
There's a line that folks around here are always pulling out at times like this: When someone tells you who they are, listen.
I was partnered with a guy like this for a very long time, and eventually, all of my life decisions centered on trying to ensure that he would be the least angry with and/or least depressed about whatever I chose to do. If I had something to say that might set him off, I just didn't talk about it, and eventually, I couldn't really say anything at all. But there was nothing else I could do as long as he refused to get help, and he remained adamant in his refusal no matter how much it was hurting me. It felt like trying to drag an unconscious person to shore from the middle of the ocean. So ultimately, I had to come to grips with the fact that I could only actually change one person's feelings and actions when it came to addressing the problems with the way we were living, and that person was me. Same with you.
I've never lived on my own and don't know if I could function as head of household. The thought of leaving is terrifying and thrilling.
By the power vested in me by the state of the pseudonymous internet, I am giving you permission to be thrilled. Think about what your and your child's lives could be like without the burden of your husband's misery and refusal to address his problems. I've talked a few of my girlfriends through their divorces, and a sense of bone-chilling terror mixed with unfathomable glee is the most common thread to run through all of them. In every case, I've been honored to watch as their lives blossomed from a place of cold uncertainty to straight-up delight. The sense of psychological freedom you feel when you exit a LTR with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions is downright transformational. It blows the doors open on life. A bunch of us here have experienced it and you can, too.
Good luck, we're rooting for you!
posted by divined by radio at 11:54 AM on January 20, 2015 [50 favorites]
I found it helpful to mentally work through the logistics of leaving so I knew I could leave if that's what I decided to do. I planned for the worst case scenarios: what if I lost my job? What if X or Y happened? Once I was confident that leaving was indeed a logistical option, it was a fairly easy decision to walk. I'm not going to lie, it was scary and the first few months were hard, financially and emotionally, but man, it was THE best decision of my life. It is fucking fabulous not to walk on eggshells anymore. I have gained SO much confidence in myself.
Is there someone with whom you can talk through your options? Maybe a family member? Say "I'm thinking about leaving him but I don't know how little anonymous and I will make it." People can surprise you with their generosity, and a lot of people have been in similar situations but never talk about it.
If you want to disclose where you are (use the contact form to mail the mods) - I bet we could get you pointed at some resources for single parents.
posted by desjardins at 11:58 AM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Is there someone with whom you can talk through your options? Maybe a family member? Say "I'm thinking about leaving him but I don't know how little anonymous and I will make it." People can surprise you with their generosity, and a lot of people have been in similar situations but never talk about it.
If you want to disclose where you are (use the contact form to mail the mods) - I bet we could get you pointed at some resources for single parents.
posted by desjardins at 11:58 AM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, he refuses to consider any form of therapy or medical assistance. But that doesn't mean you can't get some individual therapy: talking to a therapist may be just what you need, i.e. someone unbiased to hash things out with.
Don't worry what he'd think or how he'd do if you do decide to get out of the marriage --- if he doesn't give a damn right now how his spouse feels, why should you worry about his needs?!? Take care of yourself first and foremost, not him. And consider your child's wellbeing: it'll be better for her not to be submerged in this misery all the time.
posted by easily confused at 12:21 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't worry what he'd think or how he'd do if you do decide to get out of the marriage --- if he doesn't give a damn right now how his spouse feels, why should you worry about his needs?!? Take care of yourself first and foremost, not him. And consider your child's wellbeing: it'll be better for her not to be submerged in this misery all the time.
posted by easily confused at 12:21 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Separating doesn't necessarily mean divorce. It'd give you a chance to see what things are like on your own. It can be hard to see things objectively when you're immersed in the situation. In the end, you do need to determine whether things are better with him or without him, and mere thought experiments probably aren't enough.
posted by lizbunny at 12:25 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lizbunny at 12:25 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd like to nth the splendid advice given above. It sounds like you already know you're on a sinking ship -- "Tonight, my husband again stated that he is unwilling to change things that are negatively impacting our marriage" spoke volumes -- and so I agree that you might benefit more from feeling a sense of permission than a reason to leave.
I'm sorry for his pain and for the miserable situation you find yourself in, but the hard reality is that you've tried and he refuses to. I would encourage you to take whatever steps are necessary to foster the happiness of yourself and your child.
I don't have any suggestions for written resources, but I would encourage you to look to your social network for support, as well. Your friends and family are, hopefully, ready and willing to help you while you take on your new role, and I have no doubt that you are fully capable of taking it on. Best of luck.
posted by Gelatin at 12:54 PM on January 20, 2015
I'm sorry for his pain and for the miserable situation you find yourself in, but the hard reality is that you've tried and he refuses to. I would encourage you to take whatever steps are necessary to foster the happiness of yourself and your child.
I don't have any suggestions for written resources, but I would encourage you to look to your social network for support, as well. Your friends and family are, hopefully, ready and willing to help you while you take on your new role, and I have no doubt that you are fully capable of taking it on. Best of luck.
posted by Gelatin at 12:54 PM on January 20, 2015
Part of me knows that the above paragraph is a good enough to reason to leave, but I've never lived on my own and don't know if I could function as head of household. The thought of leaving is terrifying and thrilling.
Work on the practical aspects, like how you will support yourself, where you will live, etc. It sounds like you are terrified because you don't know how to survive without him and this is keeping you trapped. If it weren't for that, you would probably be out of there in a heart beat.
For a long time, I had a similar situation in terms of being financially dependent and unable to leave. I went to college, made career plans, etc. At some point, I was able to leave. It was hard and it did not go the way I really wanted it to go in terms of the kind of job, the amount of income and so on. But leaving made life better for me and my sons.
One thing I did: I got a certificate in something and then applied to a prestigious internship that would have had me living for a few months in another state with my kids. That didn't work out -- I didn't get the internship and other things went wrong - but my plan was to use that as a stealth trial separation without calling it a trial separation. So if you are concerned about him sabotaging your efforts to get on your feet because he doesn't want you to leave, then just keep the plan to leave under wraps while laying the groundwork for your independence.
It took me a long time to get out, but I did eventually get out. And as I got more education and more idea of how to work things out and so on, putting up with the man became easier because I stopped feeling so helpless, hopeless and trapped. Even if you don't leave, knowing that you could if you wanted to is hugely valuable.
I will also suggest you create a secret file somewhere that he doesn't know about. Make two columns: reasons to stay and reasons to leave. If reasons to stay are all practical matters like "financial dependence," then work on resolving those issues. At some point, you may find that you only have one column left: Reasons to go. And then it won't be a hard decision at all.
Be brutally honest with yourself. One thing I was terrified of was having to find a new sex partner. I had been molested as a child and I found that to be far more intimidating than trying to figure out how to support myself. The reality on that count turned out to be a lot more positive than my many frightening imaginings over the years. If you are not honest with yourself as to what keeps you stuck, you cannot resolve it. I was finally able to leave when I reached the point of feeling that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to continue living that way. That made a new sex partner a nice to have, not a must have. It made it optional. And that was extremely freeing and empowering for me.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 12:56 PM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Work on the practical aspects, like how you will support yourself, where you will live, etc. It sounds like you are terrified because you don't know how to survive without him and this is keeping you trapped. If it weren't for that, you would probably be out of there in a heart beat.
For a long time, I had a similar situation in terms of being financially dependent and unable to leave. I went to college, made career plans, etc. At some point, I was able to leave. It was hard and it did not go the way I really wanted it to go in terms of the kind of job, the amount of income and so on. But leaving made life better for me and my sons.
One thing I did: I got a certificate in something and then applied to a prestigious internship that would have had me living for a few months in another state with my kids. That didn't work out -- I didn't get the internship and other things went wrong - but my plan was to use that as a stealth trial separation without calling it a trial separation. So if you are concerned about him sabotaging your efforts to get on your feet because he doesn't want you to leave, then just keep the plan to leave under wraps while laying the groundwork for your independence.
It took me a long time to get out, but I did eventually get out. And as I got more education and more idea of how to work things out and so on, putting up with the man became easier because I stopped feeling so helpless, hopeless and trapped. Even if you don't leave, knowing that you could if you wanted to is hugely valuable.
I will also suggest you create a secret file somewhere that he doesn't know about. Make two columns: reasons to stay and reasons to leave. If reasons to stay are all practical matters like "financial dependence," then work on resolving those issues. At some point, you may find that you only have one column left: Reasons to go. And then it won't be a hard decision at all.
Be brutally honest with yourself. One thing I was terrified of was having to find a new sex partner. I had been molested as a child and I found that to be far more intimidating than trying to figure out how to support myself. The reality on that count turned out to be a lot more positive than my many frightening imaginings over the years. If you are not honest with yourself as to what keeps you stuck, you cannot resolve it. I was finally able to leave when I reached the point of feeling that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to continue living that way. That made a new sex partner a nice to have, not a must have. It made it optional. And that was extremely freeing and empowering for me.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 12:56 PM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was married for 10 years and was unhappy for about 8 of those. After my second kid things got really bad and my ex would not change the things I needed changed, or even hear that they were causing me problems. For about the last 4 years all I did was complain to friends and talk about leaving. Finally I did, despite the uncertainty and worry. The first day I moved into my new apartment I felt GREAT. It's been hard due to a custody battle, divorce debts, alimony (I earn more), etc. but is unquestionably a better life than I had. As a bonus I ended up finding the *right* partner when I wasn't even looking.
Some things to consider:
* Stuff and money - are you willing to have less in order to be happy?
* How to broach the subject with your partner. Try to keep it firm but friendly, i.e. don't threaten divorce during a fight but wait for a good time and take the "we're better apart" route.
* Partner's stability - I hate to mention it but divorce can bring out the worst in people. Try to get the pulse of whether your partner is handling the discussions well and be alert for any signs of danger (if you think that might apply).
I spent a lot of money on a lawyer and even more 2 years later trying to get a better custody arrangement. Make sure you don't sign anything you aren't OK with off the bat.
One other anecdote: When I was moving my stuff out I drove my car full of belongings through my local coffee drive-through. There's an older, conservative-type lady who runs it and she asked what all the stuff was. Embarrassed, I told her I was getting a divorce and expected a judgmental look (knowing what I know about her). She said "I got a divorce after 23 years. When I finally did it my first thought was 'I should have done that 22 years ago!'" Life is short; you deserve to be happy and it sounds like your partner needs to grow a lot, but isn't willing to start the journey with you.
posted by freecellwizard at 1:15 PM on January 20, 2015 [13 favorites]
Some things to consider:
* Stuff and money - are you willing to have less in order to be happy?
* How to broach the subject with your partner. Try to keep it firm but friendly, i.e. don't threaten divorce during a fight but wait for a good time and take the "we're better apart" route.
* Partner's stability - I hate to mention it but divorce can bring out the worst in people. Try to get the pulse of whether your partner is handling the discussions well and be alert for any signs of danger (if you think that might apply).
I spent a lot of money on a lawyer and even more 2 years later trying to get a better custody arrangement. Make sure you don't sign anything you aren't OK with off the bat.
One other anecdote: When I was moving my stuff out I drove my car full of belongings through my local coffee drive-through. There's an older, conservative-type lady who runs it and she asked what all the stuff was. Embarrassed, I told her I was getting a divorce and expected a judgmental look (knowing what I know about her). She said "I got a divorce after 23 years. When I finally did it my first thought was 'I should have done that 22 years ago!'" Life is short; you deserve to be happy and it sounds like your partner needs to grow a lot, but isn't willing to start the journey with you.
posted by freecellwizard at 1:15 PM on January 20, 2015 [13 favorites]
Grad student and single parent of a preschooler here. Your situation sounds harder and more draining than mine. Yes, it's hard to raise a kid and manage a household on your own--but it's not as hard as doing the same with someone in your way.
I'll remain agnostic about whether to consider separation and/or divorce, but I wouldn't let the intimidation factor of being on your own make the decision for you.
posted by cogitron at 1:39 PM on January 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'll remain agnostic about whether to consider separation and/or divorce, but I wouldn't let the intimidation factor of being on your own make the decision for you.
posted by cogitron at 1:39 PM on January 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
Would you be okay staying in this marriage if these issues never got any better?
If you wouldn't - and you shouldn't be, honestly - it may be time to think about the logistics of splitting up. It'd be one thing if you were both hitting roadblocks in your attempts to communicate with each other, but he's not willing to work on any of this shit at all, so the question you need to ask yourself is what happens if this never changes. And then start accepting that it's almost certainly never going to change.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:10 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you wouldn't - and you shouldn't be, honestly - it may be time to think about the logistics of splitting up. It'd be one thing if you were both hitting roadblocks in your attempts to communicate with each other, but he's not willing to work on any of this shit at all, so the question you need to ask yourself is what happens if this never changes. And then start accepting that it's almost certainly never going to change.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:10 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
On first read I assumed he would not support you leaving, but is that the case? Have you discussed separation with him? He may be amenable to it, which would clearly make things a lot easier for you. Divorce is never easy but if you could get him to at least move forward with it then it won't be like you have to escape from your home in the middle of the night with your child, which would really be a bad idea unless he is physically threatening you or your child, which I did not read in your question. Take this one step at a time. 1) You have decided you want a separation 2) Tell him you have made your decision and stick to it even if he begs for you to stay and promises to change. Tell him at this point the separation is going to happen, and if he is going to change you will see this happen over a long period of time during the separation. 3) Discuss what is going on with your child (with or without your husband, preferably with). If hubby isn't into you leaving, you can still do this but of course this is highly dependent on your resources. From personal experience, you will be exuberant once you have obtained your own place. I know that having a child makes this exceptionally difficult, but at least they are a teen and can be quite independent and supportive of you too.
posted by waving at 2:29 PM on January 20, 2015
posted by waving at 2:29 PM on January 20, 2015
If your only reason for not leaving is that you are afraid to be on your own, then you have your answer. You can be on your own, you can be a head of household, you can manage. It is *really* not that hard and nowadays your computer basically does everything for you (autopay bills, autoship regular grocery/pharmacy items, information on how to repair X or buy Y).
If the issue is money, see an attorney. Do you have any friends or family that can support you through the first steps?
posted by Toddles at 3:58 PM on January 20, 2015
If the issue is money, see an attorney. Do you have any friends or family that can support you through the first steps?
posted by Toddles at 3:58 PM on January 20, 2015
My situation is slightly different but I can tell you there are lots of great things about being separated (and lots that suck but let's focus on the positive!) The first is that I don't have to pick up anyone's socks from the floor anymore. I get to watch cheesy movies when I want. I get to NOT FEEL BAD or judged about my habits. I do things because I want to rather than because I'm guilt-ed into doing them (I ride my bike to work more often now even though it's a longer commute because I want to. and I don't avoid it because my ex isn't nagging me to do it.) Shared parenting time means I get me time every week! And that free time means I've rekindled friendships. And finally entering a new relationship with someone who likes me for me is awesome.
I write all this as a person who did not instigate separation and worked hard t o avoid divorce for several years. If I can find positives, so can you. Good luck.
posted by vespabelle at 6:37 PM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I write all this as a person who did not instigate separation and worked hard t o avoid divorce for several years. If I can find positives, so can you. Good luck.
posted by vespabelle at 6:37 PM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds like he also wants a divorce, he just doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger to save his pride or whatever so he is just ratcheting it up until you break. He may finally decide you are never going to leave so he may one day tell you he is leaving. It would be better for you to be prepared and leave on your own terms though.
posted by saucysault at 9:08 PM on January 20, 2015
posted by saucysault at 9:08 PM on January 20, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Sorry that didn't work for you. I'd still advise some for yourself and your child to get through this.
Given that you are obviously very unhappy and your husband refuses to deal with his anger issues (and/or his mental illness), I don't see that he has left you much choice but to head for the door. It's probably not going to get better on its own...nah, scratch that. It's definitely not going to get better on its own.
YOU CAN be the head of a household. YOU CAN be happy without him. YOU CAN be financially secure without him. Yeah, you can do this. Leaving is terrifying but the prospect of this situation potentially getting worse should be your motivation. Your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child depends on it. A marriage cannot be saved unless both people are committed to it. Good luck.
Edit: I missed that you were looking for resources, OP. Look no further than many similar questions here on the Green and advice from wise MeFites who have been there. You're so not alone.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:17 AM on January 20, 2015 [10 favorites]