I asked someone out, she said yes, I have no idea what to do now

January 18, 2015 9:51 PM

If you've ever dated a friend, what advice would you give yourself? Are there any hazards above and beyond the usual hi-larity of dating in your early twenties? Or cool bits? I'm in particular concerned about navigating the transition from two years of platonic friendship to a romantic relationship (do I touch her now?) and preserving the option of going back to being friends afterward. But don't feel confined to those two points. What do I know? I've gone on two dates ever.

previously and previously-er. (This is not the same person; we broke up a few months ago.)

posted by d. z. wang to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Try to let this happen organically. If you guys are already friends and you find each other attractive you are in a much better place than most people on a first date. Just do stuff together you'd enjoy doing as friends, but with more eye contact and flirting.

There are risks. This does have the potential to botch your friendship, but if you are honest with each other and treat each other right, you should be able to preserve the friendship even if the romance fizzles.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:05 PM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm in particular concerned about navigating the transition from two years of platonic friendship to a romantic relationship (do I touch her now?) and preserving the option of going back to being friends afterward.

A lot of that stuff is unknowable right now; just do your best by her in this relationship.

(do I touch her now?)

Take her out on dates, and mirror her body language and actions.
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:07 PM on January 18, 2015

We don't know you or the specifics of your situation but from this and previous questions... you are WAY overthinking this. The best advice I have for you is get out of your head and just let stuff happen. Millions of years of evolution has given you everything you need to figure this puzzle out.

Oh and be nice. Seriously. This is the thing that all 20 yr olds don't realize, don't understand, think is meaningless platitude, etc. You will be tempted to be interesting, or cool, or aloof, or whatever. All you need to do right now is: be nice.
posted by danny the boy at 11:32 PM on January 18, 2015 [7 favorites]

Here's a previous question that might help you with the physical side: Remedial Macking.
posted by colfax at 11:42 PM on January 18, 2015

Re: touch, at the risk of sounding terribly old-fashioned, a nice holding of hands is a very gentle, low-risk way of showing interest and getting feedback before moving on to more private signs of affection.

The best advice I can give anyone for dating is to be absolutely yourself. (Yes, yes, someone will say, "...unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman." Moving along.) At some point in a romantic relationship, you wonder, should I have been more X or less Y, but the truth is, as long as you are kind and honest, being the real you is the only fair thing to be, and the only way the other person can know if you're right for her. If you're goofy, then be wholeheartedly, naturally, goofy in the dating relationship, just as you have been in the friendship.

Treat her the way you'd like to be treated -- politely, enthusiastically, kindly. If either or both of you find that you work better as friends than as romantic partners, being genuine will better ensure the friendship part can remain. And if it works romantically in addition to being friends, you'll have built a solid foundation for something really great. Either way, being the real you means you never have to wonder if you should have been/done differently, and that way madness lies.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:43 PM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, be yourself, be nice and if the moment seems right, take her hand and see if she returns 'the hold'. Peck on the cheek at the end of the night but pull away slower than usual and see if she does the same. If she does, come back slowly for a kiss on the lips. Enjoy yourself. Good luck!
posted by stellathon at 2:30 AM on January 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

Echoing above - start out by holding her hand. Maybe while you're walking along, just reach over and take it. At the end of the date, hug her goodbye. If she doesn't pull away quickly, give her a kiss on the cheek. I've had a handful of guys ask me at that point if it was ok to kiss me, and it was pretty charming.
Alternately, kiss her on the cheek and maintain the hug, and a few seconds later, kiss her on the cheek again, a little closer to her mouth this time. And then you should be able to turn your face a little without pulling away, and be in position to kiss her lips.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:41 AM on January 19, 2015

Do not worry about "does this person like me?"

Worry about "do I like this person?"

If you focus too much on what the other person thinks of you, you never really stop to think if you like the other person enough to keep going. It's the best way to navigate early dating, especially if you're dating someone you're already friends with. If you want to keep the friendship salvageable if a relationship doesn't click, you have got to be honest about your feelings. End things as soon as you realize it's not going to work to minimize hurt feelings on both sides.

Be honest and kind.
(And have fun!)
posted by phunniemee at 8:44 AM on January 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

How about being open with your friend about the fact that it's kind of awkward to transition from platonic to dating? Ask her if she feels the same way and perhaps you can navigate the awkwardness together - (as friends!) - as you explore the possibility of romance. I'd share all of the questions you've written here with her and see what she thinks.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:47 AM on January 19, 2015

be nice.

I've read this somewhere, but be kind, not nice. Kindness beats niceness any day.
posted by BungaDunga at 7:15 PM on January 19, 2015