Help me make a bad situation not worse
January 15, 2015 12:32 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for resources about speaking to my father and dealing with my family in light of his recent mental health issues.
I will preemptively apologize for the length. It's difficult to organize my thoughts because it feels as if there's kind of several issues going on at once. I currently teach abroad. I will continue to do so for the next year (my contract was already signed before everything happened and I was assured by multiply members of my family that breaking my contract and coming home early would make the situation worse.) About a week before Christmas, I received word that my father had committed himself because he was having suicidal thoughts. My family spent the holiday season hearing about my father's apparent attempted suicide several months ago and all of the other ways he had considered killing himself. Fun. In addition, we discovered that he had begun drinking again after several months of sobriety. (Years of alcohol abuse had finally taken its toll, culminate in a fair few health problems earlier this year) He's home now and receiving outpatient treatment and attending group therapy. All great and good. He's still working through some issues with strange rationals for his behavior (he believes that all of his problems were caused by moving from his hometown to where my family lives now instead of say...his years of depression and alcohol abuse. Or that everything is fine now because he only tried to commit suicide "a little bit") These kinds of thoughts put a lot of strain on my mother who feels responsible for the whole situation. My question is, as I prepare myself for my yearly visit home, how do I best engage with my father? I don't want to wholly agree with his irrational beliefs because, first of all, I don't agree that a move back to our hometown would solve his issues and secondly, that would put more of a strain on my mother. However, I don't want to argue with him too strongly because he is unwell and I don't want to somehow make him feel worse? I don't want to just agree to whatever he says, and yet I don't want to disagree so strongly that he feels worse about himself. Because in either situation, I either make life more difficult for him or I make life more difficult for my mother and sister who will be taking care of him long after I'm back on the plane. What are some books/resources/websites/general advice I can consult about how to walk best walk this line. Obviously, I can't fix everything in the two weeks I'm back in the states, but what should I know/what should I do to ensure that the very least I don't leave the situation worse off?
I will preemptively apologize for the length. It's difficult to organize my thoughts because it feels as if there's kind of several issues going on at once. I currently teach abroad. I will continue to do so for the next year (my contract was already signed before everything happened and I was assured by multiply members of my family that breaking my contract and coming home early would make the situation worse.) About a week before Christmas, I received word that my father had committed himself because he was having suicidal thoughts. My family spent the holiday season hearing about my father's apparent attempted suicide several months ago and all of the other ways he had considered killing himself. Fun. In addition, we discovered that he had begun drinking again after several months of sobriety. (Years of alcohol abuse had finally taken its toll, culminate in a fair few health problems earlier this year) He's home now and receiving outpatient treatment and attending group therapy. All great and good. He's still working through some issues with strange rationals for his behavior (he believes that all of his problems were caused by moving from his hometown to where my family lives now instead of say...his years of depression and alcohol abuse. Or that everything is fine now because he only tried to commit suicide "a little bit") These kinds of thoughts put a lot of strain on my mother who feels responsible for the whole situation. My question is, as I prepare myself for my yearly visit home, how do I best engage with my father? I don't want to wholly agree with his irrational beliefs because, first of all, I don't agree that a move back to our hometown would solve his issues and secondly, that would put more of a strain on my mother. However, I don't want to argue with him too strongly because he is unwell and I don't want to somehow make him feel worse? I don't want to just agree to whatever he says, and yet I don't want to disagree so strongly that he feels worse about himself. Because in either situation, I either make life more difficult for him or I make life more difficult for my mother and sister who will be taking care of him long after I'm back on the plane. What are some books/resources/websites/general advice I can consult about how to walk best walk this line. Obviously, I can't fix everything in the two weeks I'm back in the states, but what should I know/what should I do to ensure that the very least I don't leave the situation worse off?
Best answer: I sort of had a vaguely similar situation, in that my alcoholic grandfather came to live with my parents while I was away at college, and I would come home for breaks into the middle of the situation. My parents would discuss on the phone about the problems associated with living with him, and then I would coast in and coast back out, without being able to really help or deal with any issues. I think that my coming home was a bit of a break for my grandfather because he had someone to talk to that wasn't pressuring him about his issues, didn't have a big reason to be critical, etc. I think it is possible that your short visit will be a break for him, make him feel temporarily better, bump him out of his gloomy groove for at least a short while. I also think, similar to my grandfather's alcoholism, your father's depression is not YOUR problem to solve. You can't fix it for him, not in two weeks and not in two years. So I would just be a good listener. Listen, but don't analyze and propose a solution that he will then just have a bad reaction to. Listen, and tell him you are hearing him. It might be the most healing thing you can do for him during the time span, without creating more problems for your mother.
posted by molasses at 5:59 AM on January 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by molasses at 5:59 AM on January 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It is completely ok to change the subject if you're getting to a point where you become angry and wanting to argue with him. "Hey, I'm only home for a bit, and I don't really want to argue with you. Let's [go for a walk/watch the game/talk about dinner plans/whatever]."
I promise that you are not going to make him try to hurt himself again just by refusing to listen to everything he wants to complain about. (I'm not guaranteeing he'll never try to hurt himself again, just that it won't be your family's fault for not listening to all of his irrational thoughts.) Yes, he needs people who will listen constructively, and it sounds like he has them with his outpatient treatment and group therapy (and you guys may want to consider seeing if he'd do individual therapy as well). His family does not need to be 24-hour-a-day complaint receptacles, in large part because it will burn everybody out and eventually make the situation worse.
Does his treatment center provide family therapy or education? Researching options for short-term family therapy (or Al-Anon would be another great resource for you and your mom and sister) might be another way you can help.
posted by jaguar at 6:49 AM on January 15, 2015
I promise that you are not going to make him try to hurt himself again just by refusing to listen to everything he wants to complain about. (I'm not guaranteeing he'll never try to hurt himself again, just that it won't be your family's fault for not listening to all of his irrational thoughts.) Yes, he needs people who will listen constructively, and it sounds like he has them with his outpatient treatment and group therapy (and you guys may want to consider seeing if he'd do individual therapy as well). His family does not need to be 24-hour-a-day complaint receptacles, in large part because it will burn everybody out and eventually make the situation worse.
Does his treatment center provide family therapy or education? Researching options for short-term family therapy (or Al-Anon would be another great resource for you and your mom and sister) might be another way you can help.
posted by jaguar at 6:49 AM on January 15, 2015
Best answer: In a similar context I have found it useful to deliberately spend time trying to talk about inconsequential small talk stuff, like doing the dishes together or how nice the garden is or where to go for a walk or what people want for dinner.
It's quite grounding for everybody involved to have a conversation that's not about suicide, hospitals, how everyone hates everyone else, or whatever the dramatic topic du jour might be.
When people get on to the topic du jour anyway, I sit there saying things like "That sounds really difficult/frightening/upsetting for you".
posted by emilyw at 7:19 AM on January 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's quite grounding for everybody involved to have a conversation that's not about suicide, hospitals, how everyone hates everyone else, or whatever the dramatic topic du jour might be.
When people get on to the topic du jour anyway, I sit there saying things like "That sounds really difficult/frightening/upsetting for you".
posted by emilyw at 7:19 AM on January 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I agree that not engaging is probably a good plan. If you're interested in "soft" engagement (i.e. he's going to keep talking about this stuff for a while and if you try to disengage immediately he'll just keep trying so you may as well say something) then consider "That's interesting. (that sounds [adjective, see emilyw]) What do your doctors say about that?". Or "Wow, that must be really tough for you and Mom." Not arguing with him, especially not for your own sake, but reminding him that there are other people in his life whose opinions he needs to pay attention to.
posted by aimedwander at 8:01 AM on January 15, 2015
posted by aimedwander at 8:01 AM on January 15, 2015
Best answer: You cannot engage with your father on this issue. Nothing you say will change his mind. The phrase you may want is, "I don't agree with you and I'm not going to discuss it with you. Let's agree to disagree."
Please look into Al-Anon, find a meeting where you are, or explore the on-line resources.
As for your mother, she needs to start understanding the dynamic with your father. She sounds like she might be an enabler, but that is really for her to deal with.
Do read the classic, Co-Dependent No More, just so you can understand what co-dependence is and some strategies for changing how you react to these things.
As much as you love your father, until he is sober, he's not thinking clearly and to attempting to reason with him is pointless.
This situation is above your pay-grade and you need to understand that. This is not a situation that you can fix and you shouldn't even try. See if you can get your mom some help. After that...let it go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:16 PM on January 15, 2015
Please look into Al-Anon, find a meeting where you are, or explore the on-line resources.
As for your mother, she needs to start understanding the dynamic with your father. She sounds like she might be an enabler, but that is really for her to deal with.
Do read the classic, Co-Dependent No More, just so you can understand what co-dependence is and some strategies for changing how you react to these things.
As much as you love your father, until he is sober, he's not thinking clearly and to attempting to reason with him is pointless.
This situation is above your pay-grade and you need to understand that. This is not a situation that you can fix and you shouldn't even try. See if you can get your mom some help. After that...let it go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:16 PM on January 15, 2015
Best answer: Nthing Ruthless Bunny and Al Anon. You might suggest that you and your mom go to an Al Anon meeting together during your visit just to check it out. Neither you nor your mom are responsible for the situation. Al Anon offers tools to help your mom reclaim her own life and allow your dad to be responsible for his. Those are not easy things to face nor to do. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:37 PM on January 15, 2015
posted by Bella Donna at 1:37 PM on January 15, 2015
Best answer: He has two illnesses that no one knows the cause of. Of course he wants to find some reason why he got depressed, suicidal and drinking! I imagine he believes it is because is is a bad person, so he got a bad disease. But thats hard to face isn't it? Its easier to say that its the move or whatever.... Can you show him that he is a sick person, not a bad person? Can you help your mom understand that he is ill?
So as others have said, don't argue about the reason for his illness. Talk about what he is doing that is healthy and positive. Do encourage and support him to stick with treatment. If he is thinking of quitting treatment give his therapist a call.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:40 PM on January 15, 2015
So as others have said, don't argue about the reason for his illness. Talk about what he is doing that is healthy and positive. Do encourage and support him to stick with treatment. If he is thinking of quitting treatment give his therapist a call.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:40 PM on January 15, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks again, everyone for the advice. My mother and sister have looked into local Al-Anon meetings. Upon such strong recommendation, I will do more research into what online resources are available.
posted by FakePalindrome at 10:07 PM on January 15, 2015
posted by FakePalindrome at 10:07 PM on January 15, 2015
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I feel for you in being caught between your mother and father on this, and agree that you're definitely right to support your mother, dealing with dad is likely to be tricky.
My rule of thumb is to understand that its futile to try to reason with unreasonable people, so always try to let these things slide as much as possible, and just forcus on with whatever I'm there to achieve (cooking dinner / giving pills / spending time together watching TV or whatever)
When people challenge me / try to involve me in their hobbyhorse I try to be understanding but ultimately as non committal in my response as I can. My stock phrases like "That's Interesting." " I see." "Uhuh." "I'm sorry to hear that" and [silence] and let this pass by.
Its a tricky thing to learn, especially when you're in an emotional situation, but sometimes the compassionate thing is to just ignore, and leave it to the people on the ground to sort out.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:56 AM on January 15, 2015 [8 favorites]