Concerns about attractiveness - slightly different from similar Q's...
January 11, 2015 9:12 PM Subscribe
I'm in my late-twenties and have similar concerns about ageing as my friends of the same age, but I concurrently have some fears that seem to be more specific than what's usually mentioned in threads about this topic. Snowflakes below.
I'm not actually worried that I'm not attractive - I'm in shape, and I like my face OK as it is now. Rather, I'm concerned that I have poor bone structure and my face is likely to "droop" as I get older and become less symmetrical (it isn't that symmetrical to start with). As a woman, I'm expected to have certain features that I'm not sure I have, like full cheeks for example. Instead I have a flat face with deep set eyes. My face is already pretty thin for my age, and I worry about getting a gaunt, somewhat masculine look as I age.
Is worrying about these sorts of minute details a form of slight body dysmorphia? Whether it is or not, how do I stop worrying so much about facial attractiveness? I'm not worried that people will *judge* me on my looks; it's subtler than that, I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
How can I shift this focus a bit?
*Yes, I'm aware that I have less to worry about than a lot of people, and I'm grateful for it, but I really prefer that responses stay away from the "it could always be worse" types of advice and center on ways to stop focusing on my appearance.
Thanks!
I'm not actually worried that I'm not attractive - I'm in shape, and I like my face OK as it is now. Rather, I'm concerned that I have poor bone structure and my face is likely to "droop" as I get older and become less symmetrical (it isn't that symmetrical to start with). As a woman, I'm expected to have certain features that I'm not sure I have, like full cheeks for example. Instead I have a flat face with deep set eyes. My face is already pretty thin for my age, and I worry about getting a gaunt, somewhat masculine look as I age.
Is worrying about these sorts of minute details a form of slight body dysmorphia? Whether it is or not, how do I stop worrying so much about facial attractiveness? I'm not worried that people will *judge* me on my looks; it's subtler than that, I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
How can I shift this focus a bit?
*Yes, I'm aware that I have less to worry about than a lot of people, and I'm grateful for it, but I really prefer that responses stay away from the "it could always be worse" types of advice and center on ways to stop focusing on my appearance.
Thanks!
I'm not sure that anyone's face really represents who we are on the inside. I mean, given a choice most people would prefer not to visibly age. In my head, I'm always early twenties! What assumptions are you afraid that people will make about you? It will be hard to give advice on this statement without a bit of clarification.
One thing I have learnt however is that no one is thinking anywhere near as much about you as we think they are, generally people are too caught up in their own lives. I mean, think about it, pick a random colleague of yours - how much time do you spend thinking about whether or not this person is ageing? Chances are you've never given it a second thought - that's how much people will be thinking about your facial features. I can appreciate you'd rather not age but the alternative is so much worse. As they say, getting old is a privilege denied to many.
posted by Jubey at 9:34 PM on January 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
One thing I have learnt however is that no one is thinking anywhere near as much about you as we think they are, generally people are too caught up in their own lives. I mean, think about it, pick a random colleague of yours - how much time do you spend thinking about whether or not this person is ageing? Chances are you've never given it a second thought - that's how much people will be thinking about your facial features. I can appreciate you'd rather not age but the alternative is so much worse. As they say, getting old is a privilege denied to many.
posted by Jubey at 9:34 PM on January 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Is worrying about these sorts of minute details a form of slight body dysmorphia?
I don't think so. I think it can be common for young women to worry about what they'll look like as they age. I'm nearing 40 now, and I care less and less what I look like. It gives me lots of time to focus on other things: work, family, writing a book. I'm sure I'm not nearly as conventionally pretty as I was in my 20s, but I feel a lot wiser and more balanced. I'm happy with the trade.
posted by mochapickle at 9:54 PM on January 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't think so. I think it can be common for young women to worry about what they'll look like as they age. I'm nearing 40 now, and I care less and less what I look like. It gives me lots of time to focus on other things: work, family, writing a book. I'm sure I'm not nearly as conventionally pretty as I was in my 20s, but I feel a lot wiser and more balanced. I'm happy with the trade.
posted by mochapickle at 9:54 PM on January 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
For some reason this question makes me think of Laraine Newman. One of the original members of Saturday Night Live, she had a unique face - she was Laraine Newman. Then she "fixed" her nose and became nobody.
Stop worrying and be who you are. You are you, we all age, learn to love your uniqueness.
That is all.
posted by scorpia22 at 10:09 PM on January 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Stop worrying and be who you are. You are you, we all age, learn to love your uniqueness.
That is all.
posted by scorpia22 at 10:09 PM on January 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
This is the reality for all humans as we age.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:53 PM on January 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
This is the reality for all humans as we age.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:53 PM on January 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
It's not dysmorphic, it's pretty normal, really.
It's worth working to accept changes, because they're ultimately inescapable. I like Justine Bateman's take on this. She's right - the maturing female face is by no means horrible. There's a kind of angularity and sensuality to some age-related changes that many find attractive.
But if you want to Fight Aging (or just soften it up a bit) for a while using options available at your local dermatologist's office, there's nothing wrong with that either, in my opinion. We all want to look attractive, and like it or not, youthfulness is part of that in our society, probably most. Sure, it's a little vain, but we're all a little vain.
(I do think being settled in life, i.e. with family, if you want that, and/or in career, makes the vanity of appearing youthful, particularly, a little less compelling and fraught than if you're single and job hunting. Not just for women, I'm pretty sure. Keep moving towards your larger life goals, and the little lines will matter less.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:56 PM on January 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's worth working to accept changes, because they're ultimately inescapable. I like Justine Bateman's take on this. She's right - the maturing female face is by no means horrible. There's a kind of angularity and sensuality to some age-related changes that many find attractive.
But if you want to Fight Aging (or just soften it up a bit) for a while using options available at your local dermatologist's office, there's nothing wrong with that either, in my opinion. We all want to look attractive, and like it or not, youthfulness is part of that in our society, probably most. Sure, it's a little vain, but we're all a little vain.
(I do think being settled in life, i.e. with family, if you want that, and/or in career, makes the vanity of appearing youthful, particularly, a little less compelling and fraught than if you're single and job hunting. Not just for women, I'm pretty sure. Keep moving towards your larger life goals, and the little lines will matter less.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:56 PM on January 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm in my late 40s (on the outside -- I'm still in my 20s in my head), and I've found this is an experience that ebbs and flows. Perhaps it's a wise design thing that our eyesight ebbs as our youth does, but awkward, coltish looks can settle into elegant lines. We all obsess about our looks a bit, especially when we're avoiding obsessing about other things. As we age, we lose memory and gain perspective. We gain weight and we lose social self-consciousness. We trade the fears of youth for the fears of middle years for the fears of old age, but we also realize that much of what we feared fails to come about, or if it does, we're far more at ease with it than we expected.
Too philosophical? Then here's something practical. Take good care of your teeth, and smile every time you look into a mirror. A confident smile lights up your looks, and will both empower you and distract from obsessing. Flirt with your mirror self. Enjoy and appreciate the now.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:13 PM on January 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Too philosophical? Then here's something practical. Take good care of your teeth, and smile every time you look into a mirror. A confident smile lights up your looks, and will both empower you and distract from obsessing. Flirt with your mirror self. Enjoy and appreciate the now.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:13 PM on January 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
A few years ago, I was riding in a car with a colleague who's about 55 years old, and at one point she mentioned in passing that she has a "horsey face" and never could compete with the pretty girls. I was actually pretty shocked to hear her say that, because even on my meanest day I would never have even thought that about her face. At that moment I realized that if she had not said that, she would have been better off in the eyes of her peers, and possibly better off in her own eyes. But by saying it, she made the situation slightly awkward, brought up something that others probably weren't concerned about, and enlarged some kind of a dent in her self-esteem.
IMO: Whatever else you do, I wouldn't tag yourself in that way around others. (And it's a good reminder to myself, too, as I consider my own faults.) I hope you can find a way to focus on and enhance your natural gifts, because those are such a huge part of your perceived beauty, as they are for my colleague, who is an absolutely beautiful person. When I think about her when we meet together, I am thinking about a collection of positive qualities. And I'm not even an idealist.
posted by circular at 11:17 PM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
IMO: Whatever else you do, I wouldn't tag yourself in that way around others. (And it's a good reminder to myself, too, as I consider my own faults.) I hope you can find a way to focus on and enhance your natural gifts, because those are such a huge part of your perceived beauty, as they are for my colleague, who is an absolutely beautiful person. When I think about her when we meet together, I am thinking about a collection of positive qualities. And I'm not even an idealist.
posted by circular at 11:17 PM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm a guy closer to 60 than 50 so YMMV on what I think. Every person has a jury inside their mind--i.e. your perception of other people (or even stereotypes) who influence one's thoughts, judgements and decisions. So, it's worthwhile to do some serious voir dire as you move through life. My Dad's on my jury, but so is Rabelais because I chose to put him there. It's my belief that our inward composition shapes our outward projections into the world. I also believe that the older one gets, the less of a damn one tends to think about any superficial views that others might have. And interestingly, if you carry yourself that way, others will respond accordingly. I look like an overweight, long-haired and white bearded bad Santa because that's my appearance but I get more comments about the sparkle in my eyes than the lines around them.
One last thought, older, wiser women with real character are super, super hot. Give me beauty over pretty seven days a week.
posted by CincyBlues at 11:42 PM on January 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
One last thought, older, wiser women with real character are super, super hot. Give me beauty over pretty seven days a week.
posted by CincyBlues at 11:42 PM on January 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
I learned this from a therapist with a reputation of helping people change who had little or no success with all the conventional things they tried. It banished toxic thinking I'd been trying for years to eliminate.
Start by finding a way of seeing yourself in the future world that you are honestly at peace with. This can be quick and easy or difficult and take years. Next, summarize it into a short, simple sentence to be used as a reminder.
>how do I stop worrying so much about facial attractiveness?
Punish yourself as soon as you start worrying. Wear a big rubber band on one wrist. When your mind starts to run off on thoughts you wish to end, grab band with other hand, pull back then let go. It's supposed to hurt. Immediately after the band snap, repeat your reminder sentence. Keep repeating until you've lost the urge to start worrying or you have to use more rubber band snaps.
posted by Homer42 at 11:57 PM on January 11, 2015
Start by finding a way of seeing yourself in the future world that you are honestly at peace with. This can be quick and easy or difficult and take years. Next, summarize it into a short, simple sentence to be used as a reminder.
>how do I stop worrying so much about facial attractiveness?
Punish yourself as soon as you start worrying. Wear a big rubber band on one wrist. When your mind starts to run off on thoughts you wish to end, grab band with other hand, pull back then let go. It's supposed to hurt. Immediately after the band snap, repeat your reminder sentence. Keep repeating until you've lost the urge to start worrying or you have to use more rubber band snaps.
posted by Homer42 at 11:57 PM on January 11, 2015
Years from now you're going to look at pictures of yourself and marvel at how young you look. Think of your future self looking at yourself now, seeing all your features as youthful by comparison.
posted by oxisos at 12:15 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oxisos at 12:15 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
center on ways to stop focusing on my appearance.
Avoid looking at your reflection. Got a lot of mirrors around? Get rid of 'em. Don't check your reflection in big windows. Want to make sure that boogers aren't hanging under your nose? Keep some handi-wipes with you and wipe your face and neck a few times a day especially after meals. Tell yourself it really doesn't matter what you look like because the honest truth is, it really doesn't. Everybody else is doing the same thing as you are, worrying about what they look like. You can enter that magical wonderful world in which you don't care and it's one heck of an advantage.
You look perfect. Know it. Let the other hoi-polloi worry about what they look like, you're beyond that.
A little secret: someday you will see a photo of yourself when you were this age and you will say: "I looked like that and I was was worried about it???!!" Revel in the now, because it is fleeting indeed. Yah.
posted by telstar at 12:18 AM on January 12, 2015
Avoid looking at your reflection. Got a lot of mirrors around? Get rid of 'em. Don't check your reflection in big windows. Want to make sure that boogers aren't hanging under your nose? Keep some handi-wipes with you and wipe your face and neck a few times a day especially after meals. Tell yourself it really doesn't matter what you look like because the honest truth is, it really doesn't. Everybody else is doing the same thing as you are, worrying about what they look like. You can enter that magical wonderful world in which you don't care and it's one heck of an advantage.
You look perfect. Know it. Let the other hoi-polloi worry about what they look like, you're beyond that.
A little secret: someday you will see a photo of yourself when you were this age and you will say: "I looked like that and I was was worried about it???!!" Revel in the now, because it is fleeting indeed. Yah.
posted by telstar at 12:18 AM on January 12, 2015
Welcome to your midlife crisis darling. Some people are of the belief that only men get them, but women get them too. Only difference is that women get it much earlier- Late 20's and mid 30's. However if a woman happens to have children at the time it's usually easier to go through because the kids take up so much of your attention that you don't have as much time to deal with the crisis. Men get their's around age 40-50 and their kids are usually grown up so they feel the brunt of this awful fear. It's completely normal. Both men and women get it around the time when what's considered they're most "attractive" years are coming to an end. It's completely normal.
"I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true." But this is basically what happens to everyone that ages... which is everyone that lives. Why do you think botox and fillers are so popular. The last 10 years go by so fast, you think you still feel 29, but you're actually 39. This feeling also happens to just about everyone.
I went through it really bad in my late 20's. Panic attacks and everything. It will pass. Don't be afraid to ask for help or take anti-depressants for a couple of months if you need to. Go online and look at much older women 80 years old and realize you're a long way from that. Go out with friends and family. If there's no one to hang out with, go to a coffee shop and read. Be around people. Being alone is not good for depression. It's normal and it will pass, but you don't have to suffer much if you do what's right for you.
posted by rancher at 1:52 AM on January 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
"I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true." But this is basically what happens to everyone that ages... which is everyone that lives. Why do you think botox and fillers are so popular. The last 10 years go by so fast, you think you still feel 29, but you're actually 39. This feeling also happens to just about everyone.
I went through it really bad in my late 20's. Panic attacks and everything. It will pass. Don't be afraid to ask for help or take anti-depressants for a couple of months if you need to. Go online and look at much older women 80 years old and realize you're a long way from that. Go out with friends and family. If there's no one to hang out with, go to a coffee shop and read. Be around people. Being alone is not good for depression. It's normal and it will pass, but you don't have to suffer much if you do what's right for you.
posted by rancher at 1:52 AM on January 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your face will change subtly as you get older. Who you are will change too. Your face in your 50s won't represent who you are in your 20s. And the people who know your 50s face are probably either people who never knew you as you look now, or people who are close to you, because why else would they still be around 30 years from now?
If it helps, I think the people I know in my age group (late 30s-40s) look better than they did in their 20s. And when I look back on old pictures from college, I don't wish I could still look that young. I think I look cute and sort of round, like a little kid.
And honestly? If you don't have this experience, if you get to your 50s and you're very unhappy with the way you look... I don't think there's any shame in cosmetic surgery. It's an option. So keep that in your back pocket and maybe it will help you worry less about something that may or may not happen 30 years from now.
posted by chickenmagazine at 3:23 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
If it helps, I think the people I know in my age group (late 30s-40s) look better than they did in their 20s. And when I look back on old pictures from college, I don't wish I could still look that young. I think I look cute and sort of round, like a little kid.
And honestly? If you don't have this experience, if you get to your 50s and you're very unhappy with the way you look... I don't think there's any shame in cosmetic surgery. It's an option. So keep that in your back pocket and maybe it will help you worry less about something that may or may not happen 30 years from now.
posted by chickenmagazine at 3:23 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd recommend getting 'the body image workbook' I always recommend it for similar questions. I think it will help. Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) relates to how much an 'over-focus' often on a particular aspect of appearance (the focus can shift) interferes wit daily life. Things we focus on get 'bigger' in our minds so good to reign in those thoughts asap, as you realise - the book is great.
It is shitty how much women especially are judged on this stuff... but it is also possible that something a person wrestles with them self could be the exact thing another person finds incredibly attractive. I know I've gone for some pretty unconventional beauty in my time - and I like that I have.
posted by tanktop at 3:32 AM on January 12, 2015
It is shitty how much women especially are judged on this stuff... but it is also possible that something a person wrestles with them self could be the exact thing another person finds incredibly attractive. I know I've gone for some pretty unconventional beauty in my time - and I like that I have.
posted by tanktop at 3:32 AM on January 12, 2015
I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
-
This is the reality for all humans as we age.
Yes. And also for some humans even when we're young.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 3:43 AM on January 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
-
This is the reality for all humans as we age.
Yes. And also for some humans even when we're young.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 3:43 AM on January 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Enjoy how beautiful you are now. I did not, always thought I was ugly, bad hair, long nose, thick waist etc. Now that I am old I look at old pictures of myself and go "dammit, I was beautiful and didn't know it!" I know it is not easy but try to enjoy your 20s and who you are now. And always use sun screen when you go out. The bone structure may surprise you in future years, as the condition of your skin counts for a lot too.
posted by mermayd at 4:10 AM on January 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 4:10 AM on January 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Every time I look in a mirror I get a shock. I keep seeing myself as 20, and my damn face just won't cover for me.
On the other hand, I'm more beautiful now than I was when I was younger. Seriously. It could be that hair and makeup in the eighties was horrible, but it's more likely that I've become more accepting of who I am and of the body I inhabit. My hair has gone gray, and with it, the texture has changed from stick straight to delightfully curly. My skin is no longer oily with occasional bumps. I'm lucky in that folks in my family don't wrinkle, but I do have freckles. Husbunny thinks they're cute.
Don't fret so much. Aging is inevitable, just look at the older folks of Hollywood who refuse to age gracefully, they look other worldly, and not in a good way. Jennifer Grey got a nose job and faded into obscurity. Renee Zellweiger got a new face and it's a real WTF thing.
Rather than worry that your face will change, accept that it will, but also accept that with that age will come wisdom, and in that wisdom, you'll see that it's just a natural part of life, and that you'll love every nook and cranny of it, not because you're vain, but because your partner will love it, and your kids and grandkids will love it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:48 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, I'm more beautiful now than I was when I was younger. Seriously. It could be that hair and makeup in the eighties was horrible, but it's more likely that I've become more accepting of who I am and of the body I inhabit. My hair has gone gray, and with it, the texture has changed from stick straight to delightfully curly. My skin is no longer oily with occasional bumps. I'm lucky in that folks in my family don't wrinkle, but I do have freckles. Husbunny thinks they're cute.
Don't fret so much. Aging is inevitable, just look at the older folks of Hollywood who refuse to age gracefully, they look other worldly, and not in a good way. Jennifer Grey got a nose job and faded into obscurity. Renee Zellweiger got a new face and it's a real WTF thing.
Rather than worry that your face will change, accept that it will, but also accept that with that age will come wisdom, and in that wisdom, you'll see that it's just a natural part of life, and that you'll love every nook and cranny of it, not because you're vain, but because your partner will love it, and your kids and grandkids will love it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:48 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, I went through my midlife crisis in my late 20s. I'm in my late 40s now. Honestly, I look much more attractive now than I did in my 20's. Some people are just lucky that way, yay me. That progression into masculine worked in my favor. I think you just need to wait and see, like all of us, and hope for the best. If you aren't happy with the way you look you are totally normal.
posted by waving at 6:00 AM on January 12, 2015
posted by waving at 6:00 AM on January 12, 2015
It struck me recently that of everything in existence which other people possess and that we might envy - intelligence, beauty, wealth, talent, good health - youth is the only thing in the world that is, without question, distributed fairly. Throughout our lives, no matter how blessed or cursed we might be in other realms, we all get an equal share of it - not one second more, not one second less. And no matter how much we struggle against it, or try to control it, we will age at the same rate until we die. Despite all the lies that advertisements tell you, nothing can slow the aging process by a single second - not billions of dollars, not pure virtue, not heroic effort. The steady forward march forward of time is the one pure constant of our universe.
Aging is the socially distributed resource on which the churning engine of capitalism runs aground. People who have managed to hoard for themselves an unfair share of everything else can't buy themselves a single extra second of being young. Sure, they can fake it for a while; sure, they can buy almost every single outward manifestation of youth, but the youth itself will always be distributed fairly, no matter how many potions they concoct, no matter how many beautiful young girls they kill. (That's the secret behind the power of the Snow White legend, I think.) Being good won't get you there, or being kind, or even being lucky. Aging just is.
We're so used to getting what we want that we can't accommodate ourselves to this lack of control, and so we bash ourselves to exhaustion against this basic truth. Christians used to carry paintings of skulls around in their pockets to remind themselves of that - memento mori. A Buddhist writer I like recommends taping a piece of paper up beside your bathroom mirror that says, "I am of the nature to age, grow old, and die."
I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't necessarily something to distract yourself from, or to pretend isn't happening; nor is it a shallow concern. Maybe you shouldn't try to shift your focus; maybe you should look deeply into it instead.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:33 AM on January 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
Aging is the socially distributed resource on which the churning engine of capitalism runs aground. People who have managed to hoard for themselves an unfair share of everything else can't buy themselves a single extra second of being young. Sure, they can fake it for a while; sure, they can buy almost every single outward manifestation of youth, but the youth itself will always be distributed fairly, no matter how many potions they concoct, no matter how many beautiful young girls they kill. (That's the secret behind the power of the Snow White legend, I think.) Being good won't get you there, or being kind, or even being lucky. Aging just is.
We're so used to getting what we want that we can't accommodate ourselves to this lack of control, and so we bash ourselves to exhaustion against this basic truth. Christians used to carry paintings of skulls around in their pockets to remind themselves of that - memento mori. A Buddhist writer I like recommends taping a piece of paper up beside your bathroom mirror that says, "I am of the nature to age, grow old, and die."
I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't necessarily something to distract yourself from, or to pretend isn't happening; nor is it a shallow concern. Maybe you shouldn't try to shift your focus; maybe you should look deeply into it instead.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:33 AM on January 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
how do I stop worrying so much about facial attractiveness? I'm not worried that people will *judge* me on my looks; it's subtler than that, I just fear ageing will turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
I would suggest that you stop trying to stop your worries and rather focus on accepting them. Your face is already something that doesn't represent "who you are on the inside". It is just your face. And like all things, your face is transient and certain elements will change. Certain elements about who you feel you are on the inside will change as well.
People are going to make assumptions about you that aren't true - but not necessarily or even mainly because of your face. That's just the nature of life. People assume things. Sometimes they're on target, sometimes they are not.
So the question is: how can you accept the fact that your face will change, that it will not always reflect who you feel you are, that others will make assumptions that are incorrect? Meditation or cognitive behavioral therapy (or both) might help you develop some tools for sitting with these realities and your fears about them without trying to make the fears go away.
Good luck!
posted by Gray Skies at 6:59 AM on January 12, 2015
I would suggest that you stop trying to stop your worries and rather focus on accepting them. Your face is already something that doesn't represent "who you are on the inside". It is just your face. And like all things, your face is transient and certain elements will change. Certain elements about who you feel you are on the inside will change as well.
People are going to make assumptions about you that aren't true - but not necessarily or even mainly because of your face. That's just the nature of life. People assume things. Sometimes they're on target, sometimes they are not.
So the question is: how can you accept the fact that your face will change, that it will not always reflect who you feel you are, that others will make assumptions that are incorrect? Meditation or cognitive behavioral therapy (or both) might help you develop some tools for sitting with these realities and your fears about them without trying to make the fears go away.
Good luck!
posted by Gray Skies at 6:59 AM on January 12, 2015
Anne Lamott is certainly not for everyone (and she's twice your age) but she just posted something this weekend about feeling a bit obsessive about her aging face, and then being hard on herself for being obsessed with something so shallow, and then tl;dr she lets herself off the hook. If you're interested (sl-fb).
You're normal. This is ok. As an early-forties person, as others have said, this feeling ebbs and flows. Mostly ebbs, though.
And honestly, I don't look at men (I'm a straight woman) in my age bracket and think "ew, wrinkles...grey hair...bald spots" I think those things are perfectly appropriate and can be way handsome. I look at 20-something dudes with their smooth skin and think of them as pretty little youthful humans -- but not superior in any way. Just with life ahead of them.
posted by pantarei70 at 8:01 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
You're normal. This is ok. As an early-forties person, as others have said, this feeling ebbs and flows. Mostly ebbs, though.
And honestly, I don't look at men (I'm a straight woman) in my age bracket and think "ew, wrinkles...grey hair...bald spots" I think those things are perfectly appropriate and can be way handsome. I look at 20-something dudes with their smooth skin and think of them as pretty little youthful humans -- but not superior in any way. Just with life ahead of them.
posted by pantarei70 at 8:01 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Good advice above, all that, but since you asked - get in the habit of doing facial exercises now. Learn enough about the muscles in the face and which ones you need to strengthen, and how; roll that several-second habit into your daily routine. Also, work with a really smart hair stylist on a cut that will broaden your face. And finally, don't let your skin dry out - one strategy is 1 - exfoliate, 2 - use a retinol serum, and 3 - organic olive oil every night. If you use makeup, choose carefully, and touch your face very gently when applying or removing it. And of course use strong suntan lotion!
posted by mmiddle at 8:04 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mmiddle at 8:04 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is kind of morbid, but ... I'm a guy so society doesn't pressure me on looks as much. But I do have thinning hair - currently a big bald spot on top. It's been growing since my 30s and I used to be really concerned about what women might think. At one point I considered hair plugs or those ointments, etc., but it seemed like too much trouble, so I didn't. So now when I see constant ads for "most men experience thinning hair at some point" I think "all men experience death at some point". Somehow that makes me feel better and makes me think more about what I want to *do* while I'm here and less about what I want to *look like* while I'm here.
I dunno ... that may not help :-)
posted by freecellwizard at 8:05 AM on January 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
I dunno ... that may not help :-)
posted by freecellwizard at 8:05 AM on January 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
As a woman, I'm expected to have certain features that I'm not sure I have...
...somewhat masculine look as I age.
...turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
Do you mean that people will assume you're a man? Or that you are a trans* woman? Or that even though people see you're a cis woman, based on how masculine your facial features appear, people will assume you are less straight/femme than you actually are? If any of those are realistic concerns that actually might happen, you might consider accepting that it will probably happen. For me personally, I have found it helpful to find a quiet moment alone to just accept that the worst-case scenario will happen, and feel all the feels. If the scenario never really happens: pleasant surprise. If it does happen: I'm not shocked, already dealt with it, ready to move on.
Being cis and straight myself, not to mention being raised in a conservative gender-essentialist religion, I had a lot of assumptions about how "men" and "women" supposedly are, and a lot of fear of violating those norms. Or like, I could violate them "this much, but no more." It took a while of being outside it before I could look back on my time within that religious community and see how much time and effort was spent worrying about coming across as a straight man or straight woman, as the case may be, so no wonder I had so much angst about doing things that were pretty minor in the scheme of things, like eliminating skirts and dresses from my wardrobe and cutting my hair short. Just because those things are easier and more comfortable for me, not part of any kind of statement about who I am on the inside (other than a person who prefers ease and comfort). But for years, I wouldn't do it because I was all, "oh noes, people will assume I'm a lesbian." And? So? Anyone who takes two seconds to ask me about my dating life will understand that I prefer dudes. Why do I care about someone's opinion who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me at least that well? And sure, it means that a dude who prefers a partner who wears dresses and has long hair will pass on the opportunity to date me. Because that's not who I am. Even though one does not choose one's face in the same way that one chooses clothing and hairstyle, that only means that it is an even deeper part of who you are. I think a wonderful measure of success in adulthood is whether you are becoming more and more yourself, and accepting more and more thoroughly who you are.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:24 AM on January 12, 2015
...somewhat masculine look as I age.
...turn my face into something that doesn't represent who I am on the inside, and that people will make assumptions about me that aren't true.
Do you mean that people will assume you're a man? Or that you are a trans* woman? Or that even though people see you're a cis woman, based on how masculine your facial features appear, people will assume you are less straight/femme than you actually are? If any of those are realistic concerns that actually might happen, you might consider accepting that it will probably happen. For me personally, I have found it helpful to find a quiet moment alone to just accept that the worst-case scenario will happen, and feel all the feels. If the scenario never really happens: pleasant surprise. If it does happen: I'm not shocked, already dealt with it, ready to move on.
Being cis and straight myself, not to mention being raised in a conservative gender-essentialist religion, I had a lot of assumptions about how "men" and "women" supposedly are, and a lot of fear of violating those norms. Or like, I could violate them "this much, but no more." It took a while of being outside it before I could look back on my time within that religious community and see how much time and effort was spent worrying about coming across as a straight man or straight woman, as the case may be, so no wonder I had so much angst about doing things that were pretty minor in the scheme of things, like eliminating skirts and dresses from my wardrobe and cutting my hair short. Just because those things are easier and more comfortable for me, not part of any kind of statement about who I am on the inside (other than a person who prefers ease and comfort). But for years, I wouldn't do it because I was all, "oh noes, people will assume I'm a lesbian." And? So? Anyone who takes two seconds to ask me about my dating life will understand that I prefer dudes. Why do I care about someone's opinion who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me at least that well? And sure, it means that a dude who prefers a partner who wears dresses and has long hair will pass on the opportunity to date me. Because that's not who I am. Even though one does not choose one's face in the same way that one chooses clothing and hairstyle, that only means that it is an even deeper part of who you are. I think a wonderful measure of success in adulthood is whether you are becoming more and more yourself, and accepting more and more thoroughly who you are.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:24 AM on January 12, 2015
Use moisturizer, limit sun exposure, don't smoke. (smoking really contributes to aging) Look at your Mom, Dad, grandparents, because their faces show where your face is headed. There's 1 specific feature of my 60 year old face that I'd happily alter, but it's not a big deal. The old-ish and old people whose looks I like best are the ones who accept their age, but are in shape, have a sense of personal style, and who are engaged in life.
posted by theora55 at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a guy in his mid-50's, I'm not especially vain but on occasion I wonder what I look like to other people. One interesting exercise is to find pictures of people who look like you. This will probably require the assistance of a friend or three to go through a bunch of Google images. But it can be illuminating to compare and contrast one's image with the images of near-doppelgängers.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:19 AM on January 12, 2015
posted by doctor tough love at 9:19 AM on January 12, 2015
I used to work for a magazine specifically focused on this kind of thing and a lot of the above is spot-on. I had the chance to talk to many women from many walks of life about being in their 40s and older, including celebs and CEOs.
People deal with looks in a lot of different ways and it's very personal. Starting Botox before wrinkles is one tip I gleaned (I myself am ok looking my age.)
But the two big things I found common among the women who were having a great life were:
1. Meaningful work (paid or not) that made them feel how powerful they were, even if power meant trying a new art technique. But they had taken the reins to be actors in their lives, not objects or operating at the whim of others. This is a bit privileged but even those struggling financially or in caregiving situations they wouldn't have chosen, they had some area in their lives where they were able to apply their life experience to create something with meaning.
2. They were healthy and active in their bodies. This can overlap with looks too, but the main thing was if they wanted to learn silks or do a 10k they could.
Hope that helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:51 AM on January 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
People deal with looks in a lot of different ways and it's very personal. Starting Botox before wrinkles is one tip I gleaned (I myself am ok looking my age.)
But the two big things I found common among the women who were having a great life were:
1. Meaningful work (paid or not) that made them feel how powerful they were, even if power meant trying a new art technique. But they had taken the reins to be actors in their lives, not objects or operating at the whim of others. This is a bit privileged but even those struggling financially or in caregiving situations they wouldn't have chosen, they had some area in their lives where they were able to apply their life experience to create something with meaning.
2. They were healthy and active in their bodies. This can overlap with looks too, but the main thing was if they wanted to learn silks or do a 10k they could.
Hope that helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:51 AM on January 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
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This isn't to say that women aren't held to ridiculous standards of appearance, or that body issues can be fixed as simply as 'stop thinking about it', but that it's not uncommon for people to obsesses over a perceived flaw of their own that no one else would ever really notice. You know the saying 'you'll stop worrying what other people think about you when you realise how rarely they do'? That may apply here as well.
That being said, even if this is something that people will notice straight away, could you turn it into a motivation - if you want to be seen as fun or friendly or warm or kind and you think your face doesn't 'fit' that character, then could that be a source of motivation for you to be even friendlier/kinder etc.? I'm sure you've come across people whose characters and appearances don't necessarily match - I've met bikies with huge beards who knit jumpers for their grandkids; tall, muscular men who are not the slightest bit 'tough'; and even people with friendly faces who turned out to be anything but.
It's not uncommon for people to perceive flaws in themselves that other people would never agree with. Even if those 'flaws' are true, however, your character will always come through.
posted by twirlypen at 9:33 PM on January 11, 2015 [11 favorites]