Can I financially divorce my husband?
January 8, 2015 12:25 PM   Subscribe

We own a mid-sized business together. Communication between us has effectively stopped, mainly because of differing business styles. We still talk, but he stopped listening about 10 years ago. It’s gotten to the point where we act independently of each other in both our professional and personal lives. His actions have eroded my respect and trust for him, business-wise. I think the only way to save our 20 year marriage is to split financially, but I don’t know if that is possible.

We’ve been married over 20 years, have three great teenagers, living a nice upper-middle class life. No complaints. But the stress of owning a business and my inability to control my husband’s spending is driving me insane. I actually started the business and he joined me early on. We’re an S-corp with me owning 51%, him 49%. We own the business real estate jointly, and personally.

We used to talk about business with each other all the time when the kids were young and we were just starting out and growing it. Not anymore. He knows how much stress I’m under (I handle all the finances for the business and the household, as well as oversee all of the office and sales staff). He works mostly just with the machinery and the field employees and handles some job scheduling. I think he would work in the business until the day he dies. I would sell the business tomorrow if offered 75% of what it is worth. He says that he’d be fine selling the business to make me happy. But he has no intention of ever attempting to position it for a sale.

We run a mid-sized company without a plan. It drives me insane.

But the real rub? It’s the lack of respect and trust that I’ve lost for him over the last several years. We talked about replacing some equipment earlier this year. About 250K worth. And yes, I knew it needed to be replaced and that a lot of the other equipment was costing us money in repairs and needed to be replaced soon. But I made it clear to him that I wasn’t interested in doing that this year due to finances and wanting to keep our debt ratio under control. Also, we didn’t really have the work lined up to necessitate it. Well, lo and behold, I went away for 3-4 days and apparently while I was gone he purchased $750K of equipment. Without discussing it with me. Without even having the balls to tell me about it when I got back. I found out about it a week or two later when I heard some employees talking about our new machinery.

Sadly, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. It’s kind of been old hat for the last 10 years. He buys something, and then quietly slips the loan papers to me. He knows what my reaction will be, and basically jokes that he knows I’m going to be pissed for a couple of weeks and then get over it. Because that’s been the pattern.

I really don’t think he is ever going to change. He hasn’t picked up a checkbook in over 25 years. Has never asked once how much money we have, he just knows I’ll always find a way to pay for it. Frankly, I’m fucking tired of it. Tired of dealing with bankers, accountants, taxes, etc. And he wants nothing to do with that end of the spectrum .

Do I want a divorce? Not really. I have no desire to date and I think he would be crushed if I left him. Divorce would be financially difficult-the business would not be easy to sell. And really, I don’t want to go back to work in a structured office environment. I like my flexibility, and I could go back to loving my job if I wasn't worried about the finances all the time. But I really want a divorce financially from my husband and I don’t know how to do that, and if it would even be possible. We are in a common law state, but how would that look to our banker if I wanted my name off of everything? Would they even let that happen? We’re not in horrible financial shape by any means, but if you take half of the assets out of the picture it wouldn’t fly with the bankers. They’d still want me to cosign for everything. I feel trapped. I’ve worked hard. I just want to protect some of our net worth from his potential poor business decisions.

Our marriage is suffering because of this. We’re basically roommates now. If it wasn’t for the business and my stress over it, I’m sure I’d be much happier. Happy with him, even. I like him, I really do. He feels constricted by my conservative tendencies, so he copes by buying things behind my back. I really don’t think he does it with intentional malice, but he just can’t help himself. He’s compulsive. He was brought up that way, always getting what he wanted. Never having to answer to anyone. He was in business with his parents prior to our business. I feel like I’m his mother now, trying to control him, reel him in. I’ve got my own kids to take care of, and frankly I don’t like the message he sends to them financially. They are not learning good habits, he spoils them rotten. I’m always the bad guy.

I’ve been so unhappy for the last year or so that I’ve had to go on anti-depressants recently just to keep from walking out and leaving my family. That’s helped some, but it isn’t a solution to the real problem. Is there some solution to keeping our business, but giving me some piece of mind? Or do I need to do something drastic, like throw away a 25-year relationship and start over at 47?
posted by tuckeredout to Work & Money (40 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like the business itself is the root of all your problems. You say that you could sell it for 75% of what it's worth - why DON'T you do that?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:36 PM on January 8, 2015 [8 favorites]


Go to a divorce attorney and talk this all through. This does not sound pleasant or healthy but it is hard for us to know how you can untangle yourself.
posted by k8t at 12:37 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


She says his involvement is necessary to position the company for a sale.
posted by resurrexit at 12:37 PM on January 8, 2015


Do I want a divorce? Not really. I have no desire to date and I think he would be crushed if I left him.

If it wasn’t for the business and my stress over it, I’m sure I’d be much happier. Happy with him, even.


I can't tell you if it's possible to financially divorce your husband, but I think that your reasons for not wanting a divorce are not the same as wanting to be married to this man anymore.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 12:38 PM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


I don't know much about the financial and business end of things, but let me just address your ideas about divorce.

There is nowhere in your post where you talk about what you like about being married to this person. Saying "I don't want to date again" is not it. "He'd be crushed" is not it. Maybe there is more wonderfulness than you are telling us about your relationship, but from your question, I'm not sure what you're getting out of it.

An amicable (as you can make it) divorce is not "throwing away a 25-year relationship" -- you built a very successful business together and have launched some children into the world. You had some amazing experiences as a family. That's great! That's an accomplishment - no matter what.

If you can stop seeing divorce as a doomsday scenario, it might help you approach this decision more rationally. There might well be a way to do that - save the marriage but get out of your end of the business - but it sounds like there's a long history of disrespect and frustration there that permeate both elements.

If you are to save the marriage, I think you would need couples counseling as well and a separation of the business elements of your life.

Is there a community of female business owners in your area? There might be some sounding boards there if you feel comfortable sharing with them. I'm sure there are people who have been through similar before who might have some words of wisdom.
posted by pantarei70 at 12:38 PM on January 8, 2015 [13 favorites]


Do not go to a divorce attorney because the marriage is not your problem as you repeatedly state--the marital issues are an effect of the business problems since the business consumes the majority of your time and waking lives.

Go to a corporate attorney--this could be the one who created the corporation, the one you turn to for business-related assistance--and have them draw up an entirely new set up paperwork where your husband no longer has signatory authorization or the ability to make major purchases that bind the corporation or anything other than him personally for the purchases. He can remain a part owner, but you can have the executive control. A completely different business structure might be required so that you're both owners, but you're the shot-caller.
posted by resurrexit at 12:40 PM on January 8, 2015 [58 favorites]


Consult a lawyer for you personally, one who understands the type of corporation that you are. Find out how to wrest the checkbook and power of the purse from him. I am not a lawyer, but I know enough to say that if he continues to make capital expenditures without consulting you, you may very well be in a worse situation financially down the line and the thoughts you're having about "do I or don' t I want to leave him" will be rendered quaint because it will be too late to have any effect.

Protect your investment in the company. It's the only thing left that you can save.
posted by inturnaround at 12:42 PM on January 8, 2015 [14 favorites]


Talk to lawyers and find out how to IMMEDIATELY prevent him spending one more effing dime of company money. Lock down your personal accounts.

He spent near a million dollars (financed, right??) on new equipment? Can you return it? I'm serious.

So much is wrong if he can makes purchases of that magnitude without approval.

I think you should buy him out of the business and make him an employee without purchasing power. This is an egregious act, and if you took him to court or mediation over it, things would go your way.

Business lawyer to protect your interests, stat. You have to take firm and final action to prevent this from ever ever happening again. Your family's financial stability is at stake.
----

On a kinder note, he might have thought this necessary. He might have sought agreement from you under different circumstances.

I think you need counseling to re-establish communication. Apparently, he thinks you aren't listening to him. Seek outside help for that.
posted by jbenben at 12:48 PM on January 8, 2015 [20 favorites]


Best answer: First off, this sucks. You're truly between a rock and a hard place here and have a lot of tough decisions to make, and I'm sorry for all the stress you're going through.

In all the tangle you wrote, it seem like the ultimate question is whether you think it's going to be harder to change your husband's ways or sell your company. It seems like from what you wrote that it's going to be easier --- although still difficult --- to sell the company.

Having an outside person to talk to about all this, a counsellor of some sort, may be helpful to you. And at least consulting with an attorney may be wise as well, so you have a clear sense of what your options are.

But you don't say whether you've talked to your husband about this, or to what degree. It sounds like he knows you're unhappy, but is maybe in denial about the depth of that unhappiness. I don't think there's any way out of this situation that doesn't involve him, so you're probably going to have to sit down with him and tell him what you told us: that you're at the end of you're rope and you're getting out of this situation one way or another before you lose your mind. If you can get through to him on this, and he's willing to help --- finding a buyer, untangling the finances, whatever it takes --- then maybe the marriage can be saved. If he's not, if he basically plugs his fingers in his ears and continues to ignore the problem in the hope that wife-mom will make it all go away....well, I think there's you're answer. Because 45 ain't dead and starting over's better than spending the rest of your life trying to fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed.
posted by Diablevert at 12:48 PM on January 8, 2015 [7 favorites]


It sounds like selling out would be your quickest path out of the day-to-day aspects of this situation, but it doesn't sound like you respect your husband very much. From a business angle, I'm going to take a perhaps-uncharitable view from your husband's side that he takes care of all of the on-the-ground aspects of the business and you hold the purse strings, and you may not see how much of a hassle equipment problems are for him and how it may make his job more difficult. "Sorry honey, debt ratio."

Though it's possible that he spent $750K on equipment for revenge, I think it's also possible that your sense of $250K reveals a lack of understanding about what is necessary, to the point where its an acknowledged joke when it happens at other times. It's also possible that $750K indeed sets up the company better for sale, which is his doing. He may be "compulsive" in buying these things for the business in the same way you appear to be compulsive about prioritizing the financial constraints you don't really describe.

Now, money issues and communication problems are a big thing and very common in marriage problems, and this seems to be the over-arching issue. Somewhere along the line you two went from workable to not, and I'm guessing it was gradual unless you can think of some issues or unresolved arguments along the line that caused increasing splits. Could it be that he hasn't picked up a checkbook in 25 years or inquired as to finances at all because he has learned that it's a brick wall, that at the end of the day it's about "controlling his spending" rather than being on the same page and compromising?

What has happened when you have tried to come up with a business plan with him? Maybe sitting down to talk about the future of the business, each laying down ideas and desires brain-dump style, putting the lists together and discuss priorities for each item? There are tons and tons of well-established and successful techniques for maintaining a living business, and these can be put to use in removing emotion from the equation.
posted by rhizome at 12:49 PM on January 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


Does he know that you're to the point of contemplating divorce (and abandoning your family) over this? I agree with folks above who say it's going to Really Hard (if not impossible) to rebuild your trust even if the business is no longer part of the picture, but if he knew quite how dire it is for you, maybe he'd have ideas for saving your marriage.

I agree with others that you two need to no longer jointly own a business, at the very least. Talk to him about how to make that happen (or at the very least make it so he can no longer make these decisions that destroy your fiscal/mental health).

I'm sorry, this sounds really tough.
posted by ldthomps at 12:51 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You say you don't want a divorce because you "have no desire to date" and "think he would be crushed"..... future dating possibilities and/or a fear of upsetting him personally are lousy reasons to remain in a dead marriage with an uncommunicative partner you yourself describe as "basically [a] roommate".

I'm very sorry, but while I could maybe see you two remaining business partners after a divorce, I deeply deeply doubt there's any chance at all of remaining married after a business split. It doesn't matter if you sell the business, reduce his power & responsibilities, or toss him out of the business entirely: anything you do to affect his position within the business will put the final nail in your marriage's coffin.

You really need to see lawyers: a corporation lawyer for the business split, a divorce lawyer for the marriage and personal finances.
posted by easily confused at 12:59 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Could you buy him out?
posted by corb at 1:02 PM on January 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


750K in agreed-upon spending is a big deal. He must realize that this is a no-no if he's doing it behind your back. I think you need to tell him that the consequences of this latest unacceptable decision are that he no longer has signing privileges over your company accounts and can no longer go rogue. You do the money anyway, he doesn't need to be able to make unilateral decisions. At the very minimum, have the bank change protocol so that your signature is required on all financial transactions connected to company accounts.
posted by quince at 1:30 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


I came to say basically the same thing as corb: Sounds like you need to buy him out and remove purchasing authority from him. Whether your romantic relationship can survive that I can't say.

In any event, it's time to lawyer lawyer lawyer.
posted by klangklangston at 1:32 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


For what it's worth, a lot of businesses are run this way when there are two co-owners, and it helps balance things out. There was an interview recently with the two 90ish-year-old brothers who founded the Friendly's food chain: "if I had my way, we'd have three times as many employees. If my brother had his way, we'd have no employees at all." They were good checks and balances for each other.

But obviously if it's stressing you out to much, then yeah, I hope you can buy him out somehow or perhaps sell your half to someone else who is willing to carry on your role.
posted by Melismata at 1:37 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm confused. If you're equal partner, wouldn't YOU have to sign off on the loan paperwork too? How has it happened that he's able to make huge budgetary decisions unilaterally? That's some fucked up lawyering if that's been going on. I suspect that this sentence: He buys something, and then quietly slips the loan papers to me. means, I sign things without reading them. If that's the case, get your head in the game and stop doing that.

Time to find a GOOD corporate lawyer who can put checks and balances in place to prevent this nonsense from happening.

Another option is to find a purchaser who would be interested in retaining you and your husband in the business, if you have positive cash flow, this might be possible, although not probable.

You can buy him out, if you have a significant debt load, it might be possible to do it rather inexpensively. Let's say the business is valued at $2,000,000, if the assets - liabilities are $200,000, then give him $99,000 for his part of the business, and take it back into your control. If he does good work otherwise, then keep him on the payroll as an employee.

You need couples counseling to improve your communication. because you're in a crisis right now. You need a good corporate lawyer to give you options for how to deal with this so that he's no longer able to put the business in debt.

If this is your business, stop turning a blind eye, no more unilateral decisions on spending money.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:50 PM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


He buys something, and then quietly slips the loan papers to me. He knows what my reaction will be, and basically jokes that he knows I’m going to be pissed for a couple of weeks and then get over it. Because that’s been the pattern.

You have a role in this pattern, too. You can change your role in this pattern without a financial or marital split.

If his purchases are objectively terrible business decisions, you need to take away his legal power to sign on behalf of the business per the suggestions above.

If his purchases are objectively reasonable business decisions, you could either choose to move a little quicker on future purchases yourself so that you can buy what you like before he steps in, or you could recognize that he is a valuable counterweight to your hesitation, saving you from the repair costs, for example.

It might be helpful to get an outside observer such as a trusted person at the company, your accountant, or a business consultant, someone who really understands your business' situation in detail, to give you their honest opinion about whether he is overspending or you are underspending.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 1:57 PM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


I'm going to suggest an alternative scenario: what about trying to sell YOUR half of the business to another investor? Reading between the lines, it sounds like your husband enjoys working in the business in the way his role has been defined, and you actually don't. If you wrest control from him, you'll still be dealing with a good deal of the headaches that have you so burned out right now. If your husband part-owned the business with someone else, I hope he'd realize that the shit he pulls with you is not going to fly with them. Is there something else you might be interested in starting up where you could apply your skills and experience from this business?

I mean, if you wind up divorcing, the business as you know it will almost surely not survive. This could be a way to disentangle a little, and if it helps the relationship, great, and if it doesn't help the relationship, you've taken care of one part of one part of the separation process.
posted by drlith at 2:19 PM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


I would sell the business tomorrow if offered 75% of what it is worth. He says that he’d be fine selling the business to make me happy.
...
If it wasn’t for the business and my stress over it, I’m sure I’d be much happier. Happy with him, even.

Okay, sell the business.
posted by destructive cactus at 2:22 PM on January 8, 2015 [8 favorites]


If you own the majority of the shares, then you have the power to do what is needed to bring him under control, unless the bylaws require a supermajority vote for such routine things as electing directors, appointing officers, and hiring and firing employees.

A supermajority is frequently required for selling the business or dissolving the corporation, so his concurrence would be required for that.

In either event, you need to consult with a corporate lawyer.
posted by yclipse at 2:34 PM on January 8, 2015


Response by poster: But you don't say whether you've talked to your husband about this, or to what degree. It sounds like he knows you're unhappy, but is maybe in denial about the depth of that unhappines

Yeah, we've talked about it. He seems genuinely sorry that he puts this stress on me. He knows that lately it's become unbearable. But I don't think he sees a solution, either. And to be honest, part of me worries about selling the business. He tends to spend when he has idle time. If we sold the business, he'd probably blow through a good chunk of our savings.

I know I didn't mention much positive about our relationship in the OP. It's true that we have made good business partners in the past, keeping each other in check. He actually gushes to our friends and business associates about my business leadership, so I know he has the utmost respect for me. It's just that his actions are compulsive and at times not thought out well. We can't seem to get on the same page anymore. I'm ready to slow down. He's not. Neither one of us can really buy the other out, because a good chunk of our net worth is inventory and equity in the land. And really, neither of us has a desire to run it by ourselves. I certainly don't. And he really couldn't without me. By his own admission, not mine.
posted by tuckeredout at 2:46 PM on January 8, 2015


This suggestion:

"It might be helpful to get an outside observer such as a trusted person at the company, your accountant, or a business consultant, someone who really understands your business' situation in detail, to give you their honest opinion about whether he is overspending or you are underspending."

This is absolutely brilliant. Don't hire a friend, tho. And don't hire a "consultant."

Just get a great accountant who works with other businesses in your industry.

Similarly, a lot of the tasks on your side that stress you out should be handled by somebody like a regular book keeper or accountant. Reading your question, I was wondering why you don't do this already to ease the stress on your role.
posted by jbenben at 2:47 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Maybe this is a dumb question. Could you hire someone at a high level to take over some or all of the work that you currently do, while you retain your current ownership?

That would help with your stress, keep the business intact, and would also be a great excuse to change any bad procedures or controls.
posted by Shanda at 2:47 PM on January 8, 2015


Response by poster: I do have an accountant, but he basically just handles the taxes. I handle all the bookkeeping at the business. I guess I'm a little bit of a control freak because all of our assets are tied up in the business andI find it extremely hard to just hand over the checkbook to another person. I actually enjoy thatpart of my job. It's just when I see the business struggle for a couple of months, my stomach drops and I spend every waking minute trying to figure out how to turn things around. It's a vicious cycle that I don't think hiring a bookkeeper would help to alleviate.
posted by tuckeredout at 2:59 PM on January 8, 2015


Maybe he could buy you out. He wants to stay in, you want out.......so he gives you a note for your shares, you take a security interest in the shares, and he pays you out of the cash flow.
posted by jpe at 3:25 PM on January 8, 2015


Sell the business, divide the revenue, get a divorce.
posted by winna at 3:56 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


>If we sold the business, he'd probably blow through a good chunk of our savings.

If you can do it in your state, you need to ensure that the 51% you receive from any sale price is my money and not our money. Whether your marriage survives a business divorce, you cannot continue to allow his out-of-control behavior to harm you.
posted by yclipse at 3:59 PM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Based on your updates, Yes, But

You're unhappy, you're stressed, you're thinking about divorcing your husband. You asked for advice and you're shooting down everything, based on your own myopic views.

Internet strangers are telling you that you have big problems, both with your marriage and your business. We're giving our unbiased views, based on YOUR biased explanation. We're looking at this through YOUR eyes.

You have no hard numbers, you have no actual statistics about your business, but you have this feeling that he's spending it in to the ground. You admit that you don't want to give up control of the checkbook and bookkeeping. Uh, those aren't tasks a CEO/Owner should be involved in. You should have a professional dealing with this. Get a professional audit, have a lawyer look over the original agreement, and get to counseling so that you can have meaningful dialogue with your husband.

Anything less that that is just hand-wringing and it's not fair to him and it's not fair to you.

Either this thing is a going concern that can accept and ride out nearly a million-dollars of debt, or it can't. You clearly DON'T know for sure if it can. Find out.

Look at this whole mess through the eyes of professionals. Again, Accountant/audit, Lawyer and marriage counselor.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:05 PM on January 8, 2015 [16 favorites]


Internet strangers are telling you that you have big problems, both with your marriage and your business.

Frankly, it doesn't even sound like the business is in trouble to any degree worth mentioning.
posted by rhizome at 4:09 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


It sounds to me like the first step is seeing a business lawyer about how to remove his check-signing authority for the business. Is there a way to require both your approval for large purchases or debt obligations? I don't know, but I'd have to believe there is. I also think this is the 20% of the effort that will fix 80% of the problem. It doesn't even sound to me like he will be all that offended by it.
posted by ctmf at 4:19 PM on January 8, 2015


This may not be the case but...most of your statements about the business are emotional like that it stresses you out, makes you unhappy.

Then you say your husband is sad you are stressed. But why isn't he stressed?

This is why I think there are two amazing things in this thread:

1. You need to set the business up so you both have to sign for big loans and expenses.

2. You need a different accountant to lay out your financial picture in clear terms, for both of you.

I understand it's unlikely you will both be in agreement from there. But you will both be operating from freshly presented information.

Then you have the issue of whether you want to stay in business with your husband. It doesn't sound like you want to be in it with him daily, so hire and train a replacement for yourself, and find a new, flexible job for you, retaining your ownership. It sounds like you could provide awesome management consulting for similar small businesses, helping them get set up with bookkeeping etc.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:26 PM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


Better than a marriage counselor, you can have a few sessions with a Professional Mediator (not legal kind, more consultant kind) to help you and your husband connect and iron out business issues.

I just listened to this Podcast Interview recently with Jennifer E. Beer, the co-author of the first and best professional manual on the subject, The Mediator's Handbook. (I'm sure you'll get a lot just from reading the Amazon review comments, too.)

Definitely give the interview a listen, because it speaks a lot about how mediation helps individuals and groups like company management work through issues.
posted by jbenben at 4:30 PM on January 8, 2015


Also Nthing Ruthless Bunny that you need some kind of an audit and overall financial assessment BEFORE any kind of conversation, counseling, or mediation sessions are initiated. Get facts. Don't panic before you have a full picture.

Things are better now for us, but most of what you describe sounds like what happened between me and my husband the first few years we started our business. I swear to you on a stack of bibles (or religious text of your choice!) that you and your husband can start repairing these issues with better communication and re-working your team working skills.

I know you are stressed about money. If finding someone to look at the books and give you a comprehensive report on the status of your business is really scary, ask someone you trust to help you step by step with that task. Not your husband, but get someone to hold your hand through this task.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:44 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You own 51% of the company. In most places, you would have controlling interest and can change the company finances to single signatory with your name, or double signatory with your name and a 2nd name that is not your husband's.

Additionally, at your level of finance and spending, one thing you can do is bring an accountant on board for "better cashflow planning." This would give you cover with your banker ("On the advice of Meg, our new accountant, we are switching to single signatory accounts" or "On the advice of Meg, our new accountant, we're switching to checks signed by me and counter-signed by Meg for tighter cashflow management.") Your bank should, frankly, embrace this.

The 2nd thing that gives you is a 3rd party to diffuse things. I'd ask the accountant to come in monthly for a financial review, leading a regular meeting with the three of you to review the cashflow position and talk about any significant purchases coming up, etc. This will give you some support when dealing with your husband/business partner.

(If your husband freaks, you can also do double signatures, both yours and his? I'm not totally clear how he's purchasing right now, but if he can raise a PO that needs to stop being possible. Again, blame the accountant.)

I wouldn't do any of these things without the help of a good corporate attorney.

In terms of your personal finances, you also need tighter control there. If he's likely to blow through a good chunk of savings at 47 when idle, he's also likely to blow through a good chunk of savings at 65 when retired.You may need to deal with account access etc now in conjunction with the above. Again, work with a professional, like a financial planner.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:28 PM on January 8, 2015


How willing is your husband going to be to turn over all financial things (home and work) to you? I mean, he knows he's a shopaholic/financial disaster (I think?), but would he be at all amenable to giving up that level of control to keep you around and keep the household and business functioning? How much do you think he'd fight you on this sort of thing?
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:52 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You need a lawyer that handles issues for closely held businesses. Find a business lawyer near you.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:18 PM on January 8, 2015


Response by poster: 《How willing is your husband going to be to turn over all financial things (home and work) to you? 》


He won't fight that one bit. He has turned everything over to me, and he knows he is a shopaholic. He promises to stop and he will for a couple of weeks. Then he falls off the Wagon. I recently gave him an ultimatum and made him go open his own checking account last week so we can start paying our own separate expenses. He opposed vehemently because he doesn't want the responsibility. He wants me to take care of all the bill paying. I'm hoping this helps him to realize how much money he blows through. But the personal finances are just a tiny speck.

I write out a couple of hundred thousand dollars of checks a month for the business. So there is some major cash flow management going on during lean months, and it doesn't help when he dumps on additional unexpected bills. I know I need to ask for professional help. I think I'm just struggling with where to start and how to make sure he follows through on the plan. Maybe getting someone else to do the books would be the best place to start. It would help to have a middle man to referee the situation.
posted by tuckeredout at 10:19 PM on January 8, 2015


I recently gave him an ultimatum and made him go open his own checking account last week so we can start paying our own separate expenses. He opposed vehemently because he doesn't want the responsibility. He wants me to take care of all the bill paying. I'm hoping this helps him to realize how much money he blows through. But the personal finances are just a tiny speck.

Would he react better if you turned it around the other way and gave him a checking account with a debit card and allowed him to spend whatever was in that account, but nothing else (ie, you're responsible for the finances and he essentially gets an allowance)?
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:39 PM on January 8, 2015 [10 favorites]


yes, was also going to suggest an allowance.
posted by acm at 9:15 AM on January 9, 2015


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