Here I Go Again On My Own
January 3, 2015 5:42 PM Subscribe
Please help me feel better about breaking up with my boyfriend (kinda long).
We dated for almost 2.5; both 34. I was his first LTR. I think he’s had a history of commitment issues, but so did I in my 20s (maybe I should have taken this as a red flag, but I empathized instead).
It wasn’t an easy relationship. I’ve read all of the attachment books and I am definitely an anxious person while he is more avoidant. He tended to push/pull a great deal. One example was that he told me he wanted to move in together, only to backtrack a couple weeks later- telling me he wasn’t ready. I feel like I compromised-giving him space (which he said he needed) even though I would’ve preferred more closeness and intimacy. Instead, I just did my own activities and hung out with my friends (which I was perfectly okay with). But it always made me feel insecure that he didn’t want to see me more. He was so self-reliant. He liked doing things alone and I wanted to feel needed and valued in the relationship. After about a year, he wasn't that interested in sex anymore. I was always the one initiating (he just claimed that he didn't have a drive).
He did try to accommodate my needs at times, especially when I told him we should be doing more shared activities. He bought me surprise tickets to a show I wanted to see and signed us up for wine classes, but afterwards he would get distant again. I always felt that our connection was off. I wanted him to open up to me more. On the flip side, I didn’t open up to him more. I think my anxiety caused me to mirror his distance instead, which now I regret.
The relationship ended kind of dramatically. I was really hoping he would propose- I seriously and probably naively believed if we could hit that milestone, then he would stop being so ambiguous about me. I know it sounds silly, but the fact that he never spoke about his future at all (including me) really bothered me. I tried to check in with him throughout the relationship to see if we were on the same page and he assured me we were. He even told me he wanted to marry me back in August. So, when we started nearing the 2-year mark, I brought it up again and he told me he wasn’t ready to take that step with me. He couldn’t even tell me if he saw a future with me. I was so hurt and angry that I told him that I was ready for that next chapter and had to move on.
My close friends and family all tell me that I did the right thing- “you’re in your 30s and he should know by now” etc. etc. I think our other mutual friends are probably shocked (at me) for being so restless and leaving. We haven’t had much contact since the breakup (around Thanksgiving), but I can’t keep shaking the belief that I acted rashly or should have done more. Maybe if we would’ve gone to a couples counselor, then we could’ve worked on communication, etc. etc.
I guess my question is that I just don’t know what to do now. He said he wanted to get married too but wasn’t ready now. Should I get back out and date more- maybe someone who better matches my attachment needs? I just can’t imagine dating anyone else at this point in my life. He is a really good person with a good heart. I love his family; he's close with mine.
Throwaway email: sadconfusedinvt@gmail.com
Other facts:
Due to some childhood trauma, I do have lower self esteem (in therapy)
He broke up with me after about 4 months of dating- told me something felt off- then begged me back and I gave him a second chance
We dated for almost 2.5; both 34. I was his first LTR. I think he’s had a history of commitment issues, but so did I in my 20s (maybe I should have taken this as a red flag, but I empathized instead).
It wasn’t an easy relationship. I’ve read all of the attachment books and I am definitely an anxious person while he is more avoidant. He tended to push/pull a great deal. One example was that he told me he wanted to move in together, only to backtrack a couple weeks later- telling me he wasn’t ready. I feel like I compromised-giving him space (which he said he needed) even though I would’ve preferred more closeness and intimacy. Instead, I just did my own activities and hung out with my friends (which I was perfectly okay with). But it always made me feel insecure that he didn’t want to see me more. He was so self-reliant. He liked doing things alone and I wanted to feel needed and valued in the relationship. After about a year, he wasn't that interested in sex anymore. I was always the one initiating (he just claimed that he didn't have a drive).
He did try to accommodate my needs at times, especially when I told him we should be doing more shared activities. He bought me surprise tickets to a show I wanted to see and signed us up for wine classes, but afterwards he would get distant again. I always felt that our connection was off. I wanted him to open up to me more. On the flip side, I didn’t open up to him more. I think my anxiety caused me to mirror his distance instead, which now I regret.
The relationship ended kind of dramatically. I was really hoping he would propose- I seriously and probably naively believed if we could hit that milestone, then he would stop being so ambiguous about me. I know it sounds silly, but the fact that he never spoke about his future at all (including me) really bothered me. I tried to check in with him throughout the relationship to see if we were on the same page and he assured me we were. He even told me he wanted to marry me back in August. So, when we started nearing the 2-year mark, I brought it up again and he told me he wasn’t ready to take that step with me. He couldn’t even tell me if he saw a future with me. I was so hurt and angry that I told him that I was ready for that next chapter and had to move on.
My close friends and family all tell me that I did the right thing- “you’re in your 30s and he should know by now” etc. etc. I think our other mutual friends are probably shocked (at me) for being so restless and leaving. We haven’t had much contact since the breakup (around Thanksgiving), but I can’t keep shaking the belief that I acted rashly or should have done more. Maybe if we would’ve gone to a couples counselor, then we could’ve worked on communication, etc. etc.
I guess my question is that I just don’t know what to do now. He said he wanted to get married too but wasn’t ready now. Should I get back out and date more- maybe someone who better matches my attachment needs? I just can’t imagine dating anyone else at this point in my life. He is a really good person with a good heart. I love his family; he's close with mine.
Throwaway email: sadconfusedinvt@gmail.com
Other facts:
Due to some childhood trauma, I do have lower self esteem (in therapy)
He broke up with me after about 4 months of dating- told me something felt off- then begged me back and I gave him a second chance
I think that you did the right thing ending it with him. It doesn't sound like the relationship was a good fit, so why wait around to see if he decides he's ready to marry you? Would you really want to spend decades with this person, when the first 2.5 were such a struggle?
Give yourself a bit of time before you start dating again. Take a few months to do things that make you happy - take up hobbies you never had time for, go travelling, do things that your ex didn't like doing with you. It's understandable that you're not ready to date again right now, but that doesn't mean that you should get back together with your ex.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:54 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Give yourself a bit of time before you start dating again. Take a few months to do things that make you happy - take up hobbies you never had time for, go travelling, do things that your ex didn't like doing with you. It's understandable that you're not ready to date again right now, but that doesn't mean that you should get back together with your ex.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:54 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're not being restless. You're being smart. You've done the right thing, but not having to worry about him and his feelings will leave a big gap that will feel like loneliness or like you miss him. This can and should be filled with people and activities that affirm you. You'll need to remind yourself that you're in withdrawal and not to go back to your addiction, but you've taken positive steps and you can continue to do so. Surround yourself with people who unambiguously want to spend time with you. You deserve it.
posted by janey47 at 5:59 PM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 5:59 PM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think your friends/family are right that, at least at this age, after 2 years you kinda know whether things are truly moving forward or not. If he's still so wishy washy, it's time to move on (assuming you want a more serious relationship, which it sounds like you do). It's not a matter of him being a good/evil person, but simply you guys not being a good match due to different goals about the future and different relationship styles.
If you're not feeling dating right now, I don't think there's a need to push it. Give yourself some more time to be single, take really excellent care of yourself, invest in friendships, and put energy toward your career, hobbies, etc. I can say from experience...it can take a long time, but eventually you'll feel the pull towards dating again and that will be the right time to either pursue a relationship if you meet someone through hobbies/friends/etc. or pursue online dating. It sounds like it's been less than two months since the breakup...at this point I think it is TOTALLY normal to still be figuring out the single life, rediscovering yourself, and doing some deep thinking about what you want out of your next relationship. If you're still feeling this way after a year, sure, talk to your therapist about it. But after 2 months, it is completely normal not to be ready for dating again.
I will also say: I am an attachment-type person like yourself who really wants a partner who likes being around me as much as I like being around him, wants to do lots of shared activities, etc. I spent a lot of my younger years trying to make it work with a wonderful man who just was NOT that way and needed SO MUCH SPACE. He was not a bad person at all, but the intersection of his needs and mine made me feel so, so inferior and unloved. I am so much happier now that I am engaged to a man whose relationship/attachment style is very similar to mine. We are very much the vomit-inducingly adorable/attached-at-the-hip type of couple, and it is awesome. So if that's what you want...you know, hold out for it! There are totally guys out there who will be a better fit for you, even if it may be impossible to imagine it now.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:03 PM on January 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
If you're not feeling dating right now, I don't think there's a need to push it. Give yourself some more time to be single, take really excellent care of yourself, invest in friendships, and put energy toward your career, hobbies, etc. I can say from experience...it can take a long time, but eventually you'll feel the pull towards dating again and that will be the right time to either pursue a relationship if you meet someone through hobbies/friends/etc. or pursue online dating. It sounds like it's been less than two months since the breakup...at this point I think it is TOTALLY normal to still be figuring out the single life, rediscovering yourself, and doing some deep thinking about what you want out of your next relationship. If you're still feeling this way after a year, sure, talk to your therapist about it. But after 2 months, it is completely normal not to be ready for dating again.
I will also say: I am an attachment-type person like yourself who really wants a partner who likes being around me as much as I like being around him, wants to do lots of shared activities, etc. I spent a lot of my younger years trying to make it work with a wonderful man who just was NOT that way and needed SO MUCH SPACE. He was not a bad person at all, but the intersection of his needs and mine made me feel so, so inferior and unloved. I am so much happier now that I am engaged to a man whose relationship/attachment style is very similar to mine. We are very much the vomit-inducingly adorable/attached-at-the-hip type of couple, and it is awesome. So if that's what you want...you know, hold out for it! There are totally guys out there who will be a better fit for you, even if it may be impossible to imagine it now.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:03 PM on January 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
Dear SadConfused person. I, too, met and fell in love with "a really good person with a good heart". Your situation and my situation are different in other respects but yes, you fell in love with a good person with a good heart.
It is heartbreaking to love a good person with a good heart who cannot give you what you need or want.
A couples counsellor would not have saved you.
Additional patience on your part would not have saved you.
The two of you were not meant to be. That sucks. It's painful. It hurts. You can't imagine dating again. And yet, you did exactly the right thing.
It's not like this wonderful, lovely person was giving you even 80% of the connection that you wanted and needed. That he bought tickets to that special event was terrific. But not enough to go back to someone who was not there for you. You were in that relationship alone, basically.
And speaking of low self-esteem, being in a relationship with a man who has a much different libido than yours and who does not initiate sex is guaranteed to make your self-esteem even worse. By the time I left my marriage, I felt both ugly and unloved and unloveable. None of that was true, but that's how I felt.
You have made the painful, adult, courageous decision to stop chasing after a man who does not want or need you but cannot tell you that directly. That is how my marriage ended as well.
Someday, you will be grateful that you did not marry this wonderful man. Someday, you will realise that there are many wonderful people in the world who are a much better match for you. Who cannot give you everything you need (because no one can) but who can give you many of the things you need in a partner. You haven't met one yet, so that's hard to imagine. But in my experience, at least, that is true.
Please continue caring for yourself with loving kindness and grace and tenderness. You have done nothing wrong. Quite the opposite: You are taking care of yourself in a wise and adult way.
As it happens, doing the right thing often feels shitty. It confuses us. Why does the wisest course action feel awful? Because it does. Because we want what we want--and we are filled with sadness when we cannot have it.
You have stood up for yourself to find the partner that you deserve. A partner who loves you truly and can commit wholeheartedly to you in both the good times and the not-so-good times.
Consider reading The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. Feel bad, because that cannot be avoided. But remember that feelings are not facts.
Also, allow yourself small moments of laughter (cat videos?) and comfort (a warm bath?) as you recover from the painful, necessary step of leaving a good man who was not, as it turns out, good for you.
You, my dear, are a good person and you have a good heart. Based on what you've posted here, I happen to think you're also a damn good adult. Congratulations!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:13 PM on January 3, 2015 [32 favorites]
It is heartbreaking to love a good person with a good heart who cannot give you what you need or want.
A couples counsellor would not have saved you.
Additional patience on your part would not have saved you.
The two of you were not meant to be. That sucks. It's painful. It hurts. You can't imagine dating again. And yet, you did exactly the right thing.
It's not like this wonderful, lovely person was giving you even 80% of the connection that you wanted and needed. That he bought tickets to that special event was terrific. But not enough to go back to someone who was not there for you. You were in that relationship alone, basically.
And speaking of low self-esteem, being in a relationship with a man who has a much different libido than yours and who does not initiate sex is guaranteed to make your self-esteem even worse. By the time I left my marriage, I felt both ugly and unloved and unloveable. None of that was true, but that's how I felt.
You have made the painful, adult, courageous decision to stop chasing after a man who does not want or need you but cannot tell you that directly. That is how my marriage ended as well.
Someday, you will be grateful that you did not marry this wonderful man. Someday, you will realise that there are many wonderful people in the world who are a much better match for you. Who cannot give you everything you need (because no one can) but who can give you many of the things you need in a partner. You haven't met one yet, so that's hard to imagine. But in my experience, at least, that is true.
Please continue caring for yourself with loving kindness and grace and tenderness. You have done nothing wrong. Quite the opposite: You are taking care of yourself in a wise and adult way.
As it happens, doing the right thing often feels shitty. It confuses us. Why does the wisest course action feel awful? Because it does. Because we want what we want--and we are filled with sadness when we cannot have it.
You have stood up for yourself to find the partner that you deserve. A partner who loves you truly and can commit wholeheartedly to you in both the good times and the not-so-good times.
Consider reading The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. Feel bad, because that cannot be avoided. But remember that feelings are not facts.
Also, allow yourself small moments of laughter (cat videos?) and comfort (a warm bath?) as you recover from the painful, necessary step of leaving a good man who was not, as it turns out, good for you.
You, my dear, are a good person and you have a good heart. Based on what you've posted here, I happen to think you're also a damn good adult. Congratulations!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:13 PM on January 3, 2015 [32 favorites]
There's no amount of therapy or communication that can make a person want to be with you if they don't. When people are in the right point in their lives and meet someone who is a potential partner, knowing they want to pursue that is not difficult. If there was reluctance because of money or professional/education roadblocks or another practical issue, that's the sort of thing that can be worked out. Simply seeing no future with someone is not reversible.
Connection cannot be forced, either. Connection is the foundation, and without that there you were never going to convert this to a permanent-intention relationship.
The two of you were not a good enough fit. No fault - not everyone in the world is meant for you. Now you've freed yourself up to find someone who is.
You were right to end it. You will be okay. Next time, don't spend 2 years on something that expires a few months in.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:33 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Connection cannot be forced, either. Connection is the foundation, and without that there you were never going to convert this to a permanent-intention relationship.
The two of you were not a good enough fit. No fault - not everyone in the world is meant for you. Now you've freed yourself up to find someone who is.
You were right to end it. You will be okay. Next time, don't spend 2 years on something that expires a few months in.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:33 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Speaking as someone who went the alternate route and did the opposite of what you did, I think you did the right thing by leaving on your terms. If it is meant to be, he will get his act together in reasonably short order. However, don't sit there stagnating, waiting for him to come around. If he does come back and you are still interested then, do not give him the whole package and let him get too comfortable in the relationship again, if marriage is what you require to feel fulfilled. Just live your own life, show yourself self-compassion and care in as many small ways as you can (I understand how you feel, and I am currently going through the same thing as you, in fact). It takes a strong person to do what you did, so feel good about it. Feel your emotions, yes, but know that you acted in good conscience.
As someone else pointed out, if it is a big struggle at this stage, do you really want to be married to someone who is less than enthusiastic about it? It seems like a recipe for a terrible life, and even I need to remind myself of this, so don't waste more of your time, thoughts, and energy on someone who doesn't return the love without reservation. It sucks, I know! But at the end of the day, we can't control other people's feelings, and no amount of cajoling, persuasion, bargaining, or wheedling can change that.
Don't regret mirroring his distance; this is what pretty much all dating and relationship advises, and demanding more attention probably would have just backfired. I think it is a very common dynamic for women to be the attached-anxious type and men to be more of the avoidant variety.
Seconding or third-ing that couples counseling would not have saved you here. Been there, done that. The guy I was with sounds a lot like your guy, and even though he showed up to counseling sessions, he was not really present in spirit and mind a lot of the time, if that makes sense. Nothing can really make a guy ready to be married until they are fully willing to. But if there ever was a thing to make him be ready, you did it. Congratulations. Let the chips fall where they may and continue being the wonderful person that you are.
posted by MeFiMouse at 6:49 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
As someone else pointed out, if it is a big struggle at this stage, do you really want to be married to someone who is less than enthusiastic about it? It seems like a recipe for a terrible life, and even I need to remind myself of this, so don't waste more of your time, thoughts, and energy on someone who doesn't return the love without reservation. It sucks, I know! But at the end of the day, we can't control other people's feelings, and no amount of cajoling, persuasion, bargaining, or wheedling can change that.
Don't regret mirroring his distance; this is what pretty much all dating and relationship advises, and demanding more attention probably would have just backfired. I think it is a very common dynamic for women to be the attached-anxious type and men to be more of the avoidant variety.
Seconding or third-ing that couples counseling would not have saved you here. Been there, done that. The guy I was with sounds a lot like your guy, and even though he showed up to counseling sessions, he was not really present in spirit and mind a lot of the time, if that makes sense. Nothing can really make a guy ready to be married until they are fully willing to. But if there ever was a thing to make him be ready, you did it. Congratulations. Let the chips fall where they may and continue being the wonderful person that you are.
posted by MeFiMouse at 6:49 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yep, it does seem like it is a mis-match.
I've known couples who dated very long term without getting engaged/married, but they were somehow on the same page about their relationship.
You two just aren't...it happens.
If he had gone along with the program, it seems as if he would have been only half-heartedly doing so.
I think it is much better to be dealing with this break-up of a 2.5 year relationship than struggling to feel attached to your husband. Because I do think it would have been a struggle for you to find peace within this particular match.
What to do in the meantime...Well, start to take care of YOURSELF, for one thing.
Get yourself ready for your next adventure--what kind of person do you want to be in the coming year?
posted by calgirl at 6:55 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've known couples who dated very long term without getting engaged/married, but they were somehow on the same page about their relationship.
You two just aren't...it happens.
If he had gone along with the program, it seems as if he would have been only half-heartedly doing so.
I think it is much better to be dealing with this break-up of a 2.5 year relationship than struggling to feel attached to your husband. Because I do think it would have been a struggle for you to find peace within this particular match.
What to do in the meantime...Well, start to take care of YOURSELF, for one thing.
Get yourself ready for your next adventure--what kind of person do you want to be in the coming year?
posted by calgirl at 6:55 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
He even told me he wanted to marry me back in August. So, when we started nearing the 2-year mark, I brought it up again and he told me he wasn’t ready to take that step with me. He couldn’t even tell me if he saw a future with me. I was so hurt and angry that I told him that I was ready for that next chapter and had to move on.
Ouch, that's brutal. I have been in a few dating situations where I was constantly wondering if the guy was into it (spoiler alert: he wasn't). This guy told you explicitly that you have no future together. Breaking up was definitely the right decision, even though it sucks right now. And no amount of couples counselling would have made this the relationship you wanted it to be.
My SO and I have been together for almost nine years. I'm 35 and he's 41. No want for marriage or kids, which is pretty much how I imagined adulthood being for me. I realize that these issues would be a dealbreaker if I (or he) were dating someone else and that's okay. It's normal for people to want these things at our age and it's okay not to want them too. Perhaps the reason this seems like a potential big mistake is that he isn't the evil ex, but that you simply needed and expected different things from each other. Not bad or toxic, just incompatible.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ouch, that's brutal. I have been in a few dating situations where I was constantly wondering if the guy was into it (spoiler alert: he wasn't). This guy told you explicitly that you have no future together. Breaking up was definitely the right decision, even though it sucks right now. And no amount of couples counselling would have made this the relationship you wanted it to be.
My SO and I have been together for almost nine years. I'm 35 and he's 41. No want for marriage or kids, which is pretty much how I imagined adulthood being for me. I realize that these issues would be a dealbreaker if I (or he) were dating someone else and that's okay. It's normal for people to want these things at our age and it's okay not to want them too. Perhaps the reason this seems like a potential big mistake is that he isn't the evil ex, but that you simply needed and expected different things from each other. Not bad or toxic, just incompatible.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
It doesn't sound like the both of you talked about breaking up and mutually decided it was for the best, nor does it sound like he fought it or has been trying to win you back. Perhaps you had unrecognized expectations about how he would react in response to your decision.
This can leave one reeling a bit - and make you feel doubtful about your actions.
But you know what? Your inner self did the right thing for you, and it's only his indifference that is making you insecure - just as it has on many occasions in the past two years.
I'm apparently being dumped (or just ignored temporarily?) by my good guy and attachment-avoidant boyfriend as we speak, and I pretty much OK with it, because I never felt as close to him as I would've liked to, and things haven't been getting better.
I identify a lot with your description of the relationship. Be free, find yourself again and when you are ready, find someone who will be as close and affectionate as you want, and be thrilled to marry you.
(That's what I'm gonna do!)
posted by Locochona at 7:11 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
This can leave one reeling a bit - and make you feel doubtful about your actions.
But you know what? Your inner self did the right thing for you, and it's only his indifference that is making you insecure - just as it has on many occasions in the past two years.
I'm apparently being dumped (or just ignored temporarily?) by my good guy and attachment-avoidant boyfriend as we speak, and I pretty much OK with it, because I never felt as close to him as I would've liked to, and things haven't been getting better.
I identify a lot with your description of the relationship. Be free, find yourself again and when you are ready, find someone who will be as close and affectionate as you want, and be thrilled to marry you.
(That's what I'm gonna do!)
posted by Locochona at 7:11 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Find the fit, don't fit the find" - that is all.
posted by bobdow at 7:12 PM on January 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by bobdow at 7:12 PM on January 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
Suppose everything you say is true: good person, good heart, could want to marry you with therapy. Do you want to do that work? Do you want to spend ages 34-36 (I don't think that's an unreasonable time estimate) waiting patiently as he finds a readiness to commit? Knowing that there'll still be all these mismatches in your desire for daily togetherness, etc.?
Honestly, I'm not sure it'd even work. In the cases I've seen work, it's like "there's just one barrier" (e.g, "I know I want to be with you but I've seen too many marriages fail and don't want to put myself through that"). Here, it's not just a problematic approach to conflict; it's not just that on a day to day level he likes more alone time than you do; he explicitly says he doesn't necessarily see a future. That's a LOT to overcome. I think you're better off moving on.
posted by salvia at 7:40 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I'm not sure it'd even work. In the cases I've seen work, it's like "there's just one barrier" (e.g, "I know I want to be with you but I've seen too many marriages fail and don't want to put myself through that"). Here, it's not just a problematic approach to conflict; it's not just that on a day to day level he likes more alone time than you do; he explicitly says he doesn't necessarily see a future. That's a LOT to overcome. I think you're better off moving on.
posted by salvia at 7:40 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am 42 & female and envy you so much...hang on, I mean it. At your age, having been through many relationships with "great" men who "just weren't the right fit," I figured I was just massively broken and, no, there actually wasn't a good fit out there for me.
So I married a "really great" guy whom I didn't totally feel it for. But how could I break up with him, right? And all my friends, ooh, Punctual, you are SO commitmentphobic...
A few years later, I'm divorced. He was unfaithful but honestly, fit MATTERS. I would rather be alone, holy everything, would I rather be alone.
BUT at the undateable, wizened old age of being female over 40, I met The Fit a couple of years ago. And oh my, savior-of-your-choice-on-stick, it's what people said. It really is. If I'd been alone with my cats until 80 to meet him, it would have been worth it. It's real, Fit and People Who Fit You.
And, though I admire your working on yourself - good for you, never stop - I met him when we were both what an advice column would consider not great relationship candidates. So don't think you need to be all self-actualizing with perfect, undistorted maturity flying out of your butt as you drive your Eco-friendly Schwinn to the composting center. But I now do believe and worship at the altar of fit matters.
Like others are saying, part of fit is you not settling for something that doesn't feel amazing and natural and flowy to you. No, not constantly. But really good! It's that horrible "you know." All of my other relationships look like another species altogether.
I hated it when older people said this shit to me at your age, but now I understand they were really trying t save me heartache (and money...another true thing they say is that divorce is expensive). So I apologize for turning around and saying it to you, but I really want you to find your fit!
posted by Punctual at 9:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
So I married a "really great" guy whom I didn't totally feel it for. But how could I break up with him, right? And all my friends, ooh, Punctual, you are SO commitmentphobic...
A few years later, I'm divorced. He was unfaithful but honestly, fit MATTERS. I would rather be alone, holy everything, would I rather be alone.
BUT at the undateable, wizened old age of being female over 40, I met The Fit a couple of years ago. And oh my, savior-of-your-choice-on-stick, it's what people said. It really is. If I'd been alone with my cats until 80 to meet him, it would have been worth it. It's real, Fit and People Who Fit You.
And, though I admire your working on yourself - good for you, never stop - I met him when we were both what an advice column would consider not great relationship candidates. So don't think you need to be all self-actualizing with perfect, undistorted maturity flying out of your butt as you drive your Eco-friendly Schwinn to the composting center. But I now do believe and worship at the altar of fit matters.
Like others are saying, part of fit is you not settling for something that doesn't feel amazing and natural and flowy to you. No, not constantly. But really good! It's that horrible "you know." All of my other relationships look like another species altogether.
I hated it when older people said this shit to me at your age, but now I understand they were really trying t save me heartache (and money...another true thing they say is that divorce is expensive). So I apologize for turning around and saying it to you, but I really want you to find your fit!
posted by Punctual at 9:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
I'm proud of you. I dated a string of guys who acted like this, who professed really, really wanting a future with me but always way in the future, who wanted to move in together but not quite yet, who were never quite ready for that next step. And I stayed with all of them for YEARS longer than I should have, wasting my time and killing my self esteem in the meantime.
Let me tell you the difference when you meet someone who actually WANTS a future with you: you know. They tell you. They make plans with you. They sign leases, and they propose. They don't leave you hanging. And even early on when it's too soon to do the big things, they talk about timelines and don't shut down with some indefinite "someday".
I think you absolutely made the right decision. And I'm proud of you for protecting yourself - something I was never able to do. All my dithering exes are still unmarried, still bouncing from relationship to relationship, still yanking women's hearts around. It wasn't me; it was them.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:00 AM on January 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Let me tell you the difference when you meet someone who actually WANTS a future with you: you know. They tell you. They make plans with you. They sign leases, and they propose. They don't leave you hanging. And even early on when it's too soon to do the big things, they talk about timelines and don't shut down with some indefinite "someday".
I think you absolutely made the right decision. And I'm proud of you for protecting yourself - something I was never able to do. All my dithering exes are still unmarried, still bouncing from relationship to relationship, still yanking women's hearts around. It wasn't me; it was them.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:00 AM on January 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Stay no contact with him. It's better for your mental health.
I just preached this in another thread, and I'll preach it to you. Date people who only want what you want. At your age men should know if they want to be married, if they want to start families. So only date the men who want those things. If someone hems and haws, they're not in the same frame of mind and are not right for you.
It is okay to say, "I'm really looking to be in a committed relationship. I'm not a casual person by nature. I'd love to get to know you better by dating you, and I want to be upfront about what I want. What do you want?"
Then listen. People will tell you flat out if they're not ready to settle down. There are people who are genuinely confused about this, and who think that if they hang out with someone, that it will magically make them ready to settle down and get married. Sometimes this works. Most of the time you get what you got, a guy who thinks he needs more time. He likes you fine, he may love you, but not enough to wholeheartedly marry you. It's not enough. It's not nearly enough.
Find someone who envisions the same life you envision, find someone who after a few dates KNOWS that he can marry you and start a family with you. He may want to continue dating to insure compatibility, but he knows that you're right for him in the most important ways.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:48 AM on January 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
I just preached this in another thread, and I'll preach it to you. Date people who only want what you want. At your age men should know if they want to be married, if they want to start families. So only date the men who want those things. If someone hems and haws, they're not in the same frame of mind and are not right for you.
It is okay to say, "I'm really looking to be in a committed relationship. I'm not a casual person by nature. I'd love to get to know you better by dating you, and I want to be upfront about what I want. What do you want?"
Then listen. People will tell you flat out if they're not ready to settle down. There are people who are genuinely confused about this, and who think that if they hang out with someone, that it will magically make them ready to settle down and get married. Sometimes this works. Most of the time you get what you got, a guy who thinks he needs more time. He likes you fine, he may love you, but not enough to wholeheartedly marry you. It's not enough. It's not nearly enough.
Find someone who envisions the same life you envision, find someone who after a few dates KNOWS that he can marry you and start a family with you. He may want to continue dating to insure compatibility, but he knows that you're right for him in the most important ways.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:48 AM on January 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
You said, "I think my anxiety caused me to mirror his distance instead, which now I regret."
This is a very succinct description of how my marriage died.
Note that I said MARRIAGE. When we got engaged (and it wasn't even a long, drawn-out situation of him not being ready, but I had been constantly insecure about how he felt about me), I told myself that I never had to wonder about whether he really loved me again.
But nothing changed. It just got so much harder to leave when I actually left--even though he didn't want me to. After all, he had what he wanted. He didn't need more affection. He didn't need more sex. His lack of enthusiasm about me wore on me and wore on me so much that I didn't realize how much my self-esteem had suffered until he wasn't around all the time. I self-protectively turned away from him to the point where he even did mind the the lack of attention, but by the time we were at that point things were pretty much screwed.
So, I guess the point I came on here to make is just this: marriage wouldn't make it better. You'd still be stuck with your basic incompatibility. I think you did the right thing.
posted by picardythird at 10:58 AM on January 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is a very succinct description of how my marriage died.
Note that I said MARRIAGE. When we got engaged (and it wasn't even a long, drawn-out situation of him not being ready, but I had been constantly insecure about how he felt about me), I told myself that I never had to wonder about whether he really loved me again.
But nothing changed. It just got so much harder to leave when I actually left--even though he didn't want me to. After all, he had what he wanted. He didn't need more affection. He didn't need more sex. His lack of enthusiasm about me wore on me and wore on me so much that I didn't realize how much my self-esteem had suffered until he wasn't around all the time. I self-protectively turned away from him to the point where he even did mind the the lack of attention, but by the time we were at that point things were pretty much screwed.
So, I guess the point I came on here to make is just this: marriage wouldn't make it better. You'd still be stuck with your basic incompatibility. I think you did the right thing.
posted by picardythird at 10:58 AM on January 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
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Not knowing about whether you want to marry someone after 2 years isn't a big deal, no matter your age. However, it sounds like he is not the special someone for you. You need (and deserve!) someone who will be more emotionally available and engaged. The intimacy issues are not a dealbreaker, but definitely a cause for concern.
Move on, love yourself and take care of yourself - go to the gym, go out with friends (or go to MeetUp groups to meet new ones), spend time warmly and affectionately caring for yourself. Take a break before you start dating again in order to focus on you.
posted by arnicae at 5:53 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]