Relating to a colleague who has come out as Transgender to me
January 3, 2015 11:37 AM Subscribe
A woman at work came out to me earlier this week as Transgender (she is, I am fairly certain, a woman who was assigned male at birth). I'm not sure I handled it well and based on the generally sensible, kind, and intelligent way that Trans* issues are discussed on Metafilter (especially when compared to other places on the web) I am hoping for some advice.
There was some office chat earlier in the week about Leelah Alcorn and the reaction of her parents to her suicide. I didn't even realise that the colleague in question (we will call her Jane) was in earshot, but later that day when we were alone in the kitchen together she told me that she appreciated that I had stood up for Leelah (as most other participants in the conversation were saying either that she was too young to "make those kinds of decisions" or that her parents were just doing their best, etc - nothing radically transphobic or hateful but basically pretty uninformed) and said she wished there were more people like me around. I kind of brushed it off, said something like it's not a big deal, people have the right to be who they are, and she said "no, really, I mean it, I was just like that young girl once and I wish there had been people to stand up for me." I was a bit flustered, said something like "Oh I had no idea" and Jane just sort of awkwardly smiled at me and we took our coffee back to our respective desks and that was it.
Except - I did have an idea. Even though I try very hard to quell any sort of idle speculation in that area within myself - because it's none of my business - I knew Jane was probably AMAB. When I first started this job, I heard other people discussing/joking about it but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested in participating in that conversation so it shut down around me pretty quickly, and they probably even realised that I would go straight up the ladder or to HR if I heard anything that warranted it. I'm pretty certain that the Leelah Alcorn conversation that Jane overheard wouldn't have happened if anyone realised she could hear it (it's a large open office with lots of different-height partitions and blind corners so it's pretty easy to forget that someone you can't see might be able to hear you - and Jane is usually in an office well away from where the conversation happened).
So - basically - my quandary is that I feel bad for being awkward and lying when I told Jane that I "had no idea" but now I don't know what to do. Do I take her aside and explain that I was flustered (mostly because I don't deal well with heartfelt or emotional conversations), and apologise for being dishonest - basically tell her that I had an inkling that she might be transgender but that I'm still very happy that she felt comfortable telling me? Do I leave out the part where I admit to being dishonest and just tell her that I'm sorry for being awkward but thanks for trusting me? Do I pretend it all never happened and go on with my life?
Complicating matters is the fact that Jane is a very nice, warm, and funny woman whom I would love to become better friends with - mostly because she is nice and warm and funny, but also (if I'm honest) because she's a couple of rungs above me in an area of the company I'd love to transfer to. So I want to do the best, most honest thing here, but I also don't want to alienate her with any kind of ill-conceived brutal honesty or by being some kind of weird super-ally (which would make me, if I were in her shoes, uncomfortable - I think).
Am I overthinking all of this? If you were Jane, what would you want or expect from me? If it matters at all, I am also a woman, in my mid 30s, about ten years younger than Jane, and I think we have enough in common that we could be good friends if I manage to get past this weirdness on my part, and of course if she has any interest in being friends with me. Even if she doesn't I'd like to do the best thing here.
Throwaway email: awkward.colleague@gmail.com
There was some office chat earlier in the week about Leelah Alcorn and the reaction of her parents to her suicide. I didn't even realise that the colleague in question (we will call her Jane) was in earshot, but later that day when we were alone in the kitchen together she told me that she appreciated that I had stood up for Leelah (as most other participants in the conversation were saying either that she was too young to "make those kinds of decisions" or that her parents were just doing their best, etc - nothing radically transphobic or hateful but basically pretty uninformed) and said she wished there were more people like me around. I kind of brushed it off, said something like it's not a big deal, people have the right to be who they are, and she said "no, really, I mean it, I was just like that young girl once and I wish there had been people to stand up for me." I was a bit flustered, said something like "Oh I had no idea" and Jane just sort of awkwardly smiled at me and we took our coffee back to our respective desks and that was it.
Except - I did have an idea. Even though I try very hard to quell any sort of idle speculation in that area within myself - because it's none of my business - I knew Jane was probably AMAB. When I first started this job, I heard other people discussing/joking about it but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested in participating in that conversation so it shut down around me pretty quickly, and they probably even realised that I would go straight up the ladder or to HR if I heard anything that warranted it. I'm pretty certain that the Leelah Alcorn conversation that Jane overheard wouldn't have happened if anyone realised she could hear it (it's a large open office with lots of different-height partitions and blind corners so it's pretty easy to forget that someone you can't see might be able to hear you - and Jane is usually in an office well away from where the conversation happened).
So - basically - my quandary is that I feel bad for being awkward and lying when I told Jane that I "had no idea" but now I don't know what to do. Do I take her aside and explain that I was flustered (mostly because I don't deal well with heartfelt or emotional conversations), and apologise for being dishonest - basically tell her that I had an inkling that she might be transgender but that I'm still very happy that she felt comfortable telling me? Do I leave out the part where I admit to being dishonest and just tell her that I'm sorry for being awkward but thanks for trusting me? Do I pretend it all never happened and go on with my life?
Complicating matters is the fact that Jane is a very nice, warm, and funny woman whom I would love to become better friends with - mostly because she is nice and warm and funny, but also (if I'm honest) because she's a couple of rungs above me in an area of the company I'd love to transfer to. So I want to do the best, most honest thing here, but I also don't want to alienate her with any kind of ill-conceived brutal honesty or by being some kind of weird super-ally (which would make me, if I were in her shoes, uncomfortable - I think).
Am I overthinking all of this? If you were Jane, what would you want or expect from me? If it matters at all, I am also a woman, in my mid 30s, about ten years younger than Jane, and I think we have enough in common that we could be good friends if I manage to get past this weirdness on my part, and of course if she has any interest in being friends with me. Even if she doesn't I'd like to do the best thing here.
Throwaway email: awkward.colleague@gmail.com
I think if you want to become friends, then it would be cool to ask her to have lunch or out for a coffee/drink after work. Combining an apology with an invite could be misinterpreted as overcompensating and distract from wanting to genuinely befriend her.
posted by kinetic at 11:46 AM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by kinetic at 11:46 AM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't understand what you would say? "I did have an idea that you were probably assigned male because I noticed your adam's apple/how tall you are/your 5 o'clock shadow"? It would be incredibly, incredibly awkward, if not flat-out rude, and would make her feel self-conscious. Make friends with her, continue to comment positively on trans issues, but I wouldn't say anything about her specifically until/if she brings it up.
posted by desjardins at 11:52 AM on January 3, 2015 [52 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 11:52 AM on January 3, 2015 [52 favorites]
There's really no faux pas here worth worrying about IMO. She was delicately offering some personal information about herself and initiating what must always be a tricky topic to navigate with someone you don't know well. You did fine! As desjardins points out, what else are you supposed to say in that context? What you said could well be construed as a compliment; knowing that a colleague never questioned your gender presentation is probably(?) not a bad feeling at all. We tell little white lies of this type all the time in professional contexts just to get by. It might have very slightly better to say something blasé like "Well, hopefully norms are changing slowly and there won't be as many kids in this situation in the future." But really, I think you did fine in a tricky personal/professional situation!
You've made a small personal connection with her now and you can proceed however you might with any other potential professional-friend. At-work coffee is a great first step!
posted by heresiarch at 12:03 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
You've made a small personal connection with her now and you can proceed however you might with any other potential professional-friend. At-work coffee is a great first step!
posted by heresiarch at 12:03 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Your response was perfect. You don't have to be 100% honest with people, and the comment could have been about the pain she might have been feeling or any of a number of things. "Oh, I had no idea," can mean so many things, not the literal, "I did not know that you were born male." Let this part of it drop and never speak of it again.
Perhaps ask her to lunch one day, or out for after work drinks. Be friendly and you may very well strike up a friendship. Perhaps ask her to mentor you, "I'm really interested in your department and I'd love to know more about how it works." If you end up in a quandary about something, ask her opinion, "Jane, I'm in a dilly of a pickle, my boss has asked me to do X and our manager has asked me to do Y. I want to be accommodating, but I don't know that I have the bandwidth, what would you do in this situation?"
Allow her to keep a professional distance, and be professional yourself.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:03 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Perhaps ask her to lunch one day, or out for after work drinks. Be friendly and you may very well strike up a friendship. Perhaps ask her to mentor you, "I'm really interested in your department and I'd love to know more about how it works." If you end up in a quandary about something, ask her opinion, "Jane, I'm in a dilly of a pickle, my boss has asked me to do X and our manager has asked me to do Y. I want to be accommodating, but I don't know that I have the bandwidth, what would you do in this situation?"
Allow her to keep a professional distance, and be professional yourself.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:03 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Yes, you are overthinking things. What you said originally is much better (i.e., kinder, more polite) than what you are now considering.
posted by girl flaneur at 12:04 PM on January 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by girl flaneur at 12:04 PM on January 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
I think you're stretching the definition of "lie" here and you have nothing to feel bad about (except a bit of awkwardness with a colleague you'd rather be closer to). Saying "I had no idea" is essentially a way of saying "I didn't know," which in this case is true. What you had previously was a suspicion drawn from filling in the blanks in some workplace gossip, not knowledge. I suppose if you squint and look at it from the right angle, the statement you made could be construed as denying even this level of vague suspicion, but I wouldn't necessarily take it that way and there's no reason to believe she took it that way. At any rate, "admitting" any of this now would be WAY more awkward than just letting it lie.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 12:06 PM on January 3, 2015
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 12:06 PM on January 3, 2015
Your comment was a kind thing to say--It showed respect for her privacy.
Just because you hear rumors, or even suspect they may be true, that doesn't mean you can't have the social grace to allow a co-worker to be the one to inform you about parts of their private life.
Would you be stressing this much if you had heard that she had been married 10 times or owned 50 cats or had 7 toes on her left foot?
posted by calgirl at 12:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just because you hear rumors, or even suspect they may be true, that doesn't mean you can't have the social grace to allow a co-worker to be the one to inform you about parts of their private life.
Would you be stressing this much if you had heard that she had been married 10 times or owned 50 cats or had 7 toes on her left foot?
posted by calgirl at 12:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I really don't think you did anything wrong. Whether it was noticeable or not, her history was private until she chose to make it known to you. If you had said something like 'yes, I knew it', you would be telling her that you had been watching her and privately speculating on her gender identity -- much like your coworkers. I think it's much better to signal that you had been respecting the boundaries of her private life, and I think that's what you did, even if it wasn't super smooth. "Thank you, I didn't know" would have maybe been more accurate, because even if you had an idea, you still didn't know until she told you.
Just continue to respect the boundaries of her private life and you will be fine. In other words, don't make this an issue or a point of discussion unless she makes it clear she wants to talk about it with you.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:08 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just continue to respect the boundaries of her private life and you will be fine. In other words, don't make this an issue or a point of discussion unless she makes it clear she wants to talk about it with you.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:08 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think "I had no idea" serves/served the purpose of conveying "I'm not saying these things around you just because I know you are trans, I am saying them because I honestly believe those things deep down" and maybe that was part of your sentiment when you got flustered and blurted that out? Because that seems accurate given what you write about yourself that you are sensitive to trans stuff even in a vacuum.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:15 PM on January 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:15 PM on January 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
I understand your wanting to be "honest" - my ADHD sometimes leads me down similar paths of thought - but I think you are overthinking it. You basically made a polite response during what sounds like a slightly awkward conversation you weren't expecting. Fuggeddaboudit.
As for befriending her: sure, go for it. Ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee. Don't even talk about "I had no idea" - instead, why not just be upfront about being interested in her area of work? At my day job, approaching someone and asking them about the work they do and expressing an interest in getting involved in that area is a fairly common, natural thing. Personally, I wouldn't even bring up the transgender thing, although if it's something you're curious about - I dunno, I'd expect that you'll get a feel for whether or not she's open to answering any friendly, thoughtful questions you might have.
posted by doctor tough love at 12:15 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
As for befriending her: sure, go for it. Ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee. Don't even talk about "I had no idea" - instead, why not just be upfront about being interested in her area of work? At my day job, approaching someone and asking them about the work they do and expressing an interest in getting involved in that area is a fairly common, natural thing. Personally, I wouldn't even bring up the transgender thing, although if it's something you're curious about - I dunno, I'd expect that you'll get a feel for whether or not she's open to answering any friendly, thoughtful questions you might have.
posted by doctor tough love at 12:15 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I had no idea" is fine - if anything, that should be the default response. I think it's what Miss Manners would say is appropriate.
You can certainly pursue more friendship with her, but you need to treat her like you would any other prospective girl-friend. The time for deep conversations about it will come later, at her initiation. It isn't actually any of your business, except in the sense that knowing this will probably keep you from taking the easy out in discriminatory conversations later, and that's good.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:17 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can certainly pursue more friendship with her, but you need to treat her like you would any other prospective girl-friend. The time for deep conversations about it will come later, at her initiation. It isn't actually any of your business, except in the sense that knowing this will probably keep you from taking the easy out in discriminatory conversations later, and that's good.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:17 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh man, don't say "Gosh, actually, I did think you were MTF" because you're basically telling her that she doesn't pass, and that is not something any trans* person wants to hear unless they are genuinely asking for help on passing. Your original statement is a wonderful compliment and it's better to leave it at that. If you want to revisit, then next time you see her say "Thank you for trusting me with that information, it means a lot to me" and ask her about her day like you would anyone.
posted by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on January 3, 2015
posted by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on January 3, 2015
I agree with the others that your initial response was fine.
I want to add, though, that the first part of your story was very moving. I hope you appreciate how wonderful it must have been for Jane to overhear your vocal support for Leelah and for trans self-determination. You didn't know there was anyone with a personal connection to the issue within earshot. You were just speaking from your heart, and helping make your corner of the world a safer and more understanding place for trans people. Sadly, not everyone would have spoken out in that situation. It's super great that you did, and it sounds like you made Jane's day in the process. It's got to be great, as a member of a hidden and often misunderstood minority, to unexpectedly find out you have an ally in your community.
posted by alms at 1:14 PM on January 3, 2015 [13 favorites]
I want to add, though, that the first part of your story was very moving. I hope you appreciate how wonderful it must have been for Jane to overhear your vocal support for Leelah and for trans self-determination. You didn't know there was anyone with a personal connection to the issue within earshot. You were just speaking from your heart, and helping make your corner of the world a safer and more understanding place for trans people. Sadly, not everyone would have spoken out in that situation. It's super great that you did, and it sounds like you made Jane's day in the process. It's got to be great, as a member of a hidden and often misunderstood minority, to unexpectedly find out you have an ally in your community.
posted by alms at 1:14 PM on January 3, 2015 [13 favorites]
You didn't do anything wrong. This interaction was awkward because coming out is just always inherently kind of awkward! Even in a perfect world, when person A comes out to someone they don't know especially well, person B's response is essentially just going to be "oh, uh..., cool", right? A mildly awkward coming-out is a successful one!
If you want to reach out to her as a potential professional mentor, just send her an email in a week or two telling her that you find the work in her part of the company interesting and asking if she'd be willing to grab a cup of coffee to talk about her work and how you can position yourself for a role in that part of the company. (And for god's sake, don't bring up the kitchen conversation unless you want to extend the awkward.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 1:36 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you want to reach out to her as a potential professional mentor, just send her an email in a week or two telling her that you find the work in her part of the company interesting and asking if she'd be willing to grab a cup of coffee to talk about her work and how you can position yourself for a role in that part of the company. (And for god's sake, don't bring up the kitchen conversation unless you want to extend the awkward.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 1:36 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You had the idea she might be trans because your colleagues are gossipy jerks. I would bet Jane already knows this--she heard this conversation, so she's likely heard others. If you're 100% sure she doesn't, then that maybe changes things, but, in general, your role is to indicate to your colleagues that their gossip is inappropriate.
We can unpack "Oh, I had no idea" as a problematic response to a trans person coming out any number of ways, but, when it comes down to it, it's one of those meaningless things people say when someone tells them something personal. You've not made a faux pas or anything.
(Note to everyone else: the OP has made no comment on Jane's appearance, so it would be nice if you checked your stereotyping of the appearances of trans women.)
posted by hoyland at 2:45 PM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
We can unpack "Oh, I had no idea" as a problematic response to a trans person coming out any number of ways, but, when it comes down to it, it's one of those meaningless things people say when someone tells them something personal. You've not made a faux pas or anything.
(Note to everyone else: the OP has made no comment on Jane's appearance, so it would be nice if you checked your stereotyping of the appearances of trans women.)
posted by hoyland at 2:45 PM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Leave things as they are and pursue a friendship with her. I wish people would get over the feeling that the only real honesty is radical honesty. Why tell her that her coworkers have been gossiping in a mean spirited and ignorant way? Why pick apart the ways that she's not presenting in a way that matches your perception of femininity? What you did was good, kind, and compassionate. Be her friend, she sounds lovely.
posted by quince at 3:04 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 3:04 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you said the right thing here. Even if it's a slight white lie, it would be rude to tell someone that they aren't passing if they're not a close friend who's asking for your opinion or something like that. Not appropriate to say to a work acquaintance. So I think you handled it just fine.
In terms of wanting to make a more personal connection/friendship, I'd say go for it! But, let her raise any issues around transgender issues in her own time and when she feels comfortable about it rather than forcing it into the conversation.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:07 PM on January 3, 2015
In terms of wanting to make a more personal connection/friendship, I'd say go for it! But, let her raise any issues around transgender issues in her own time and when she feels comfortable about it rather than forcing it into the conversation.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:07 PM on January 3, 2015
I'm a queer person who is used to hearing no one stand up for me or my friends. Speaking for myself, I'm used to even micro aggressive and bigoted comments from otherwise "liberal" people (hello West Coast). You actually made a stand and stood your ground, and she said thanks because trans women have a very difficult time in society, and are often denied rights to transition or live due to a clusterfuck of barriers and bigotry.
You're fine and considerate. People are jerks and gossip about people who doesn't totally "pass" - it's one of the many struggles of not being a cisgendered person. Get to know her as a person, and part of her experience is being a trans woman. Consider it a wonderful opportunity to make a new friend, potentially for life. :)
If you want to ask her about her experience politely, just be honest about your awkwardness and saying honestly, "I don't necessarily know how to ask, how would you prefer me asking?" It's very respectful, and pretty endearing.
posted by yueliang at 3:09 PM on January 3, 2015
You're fine and considerate. People are jerks and gossip about people who doesn't totally "pass" - it's one of the many struggles of not being a cisgendered person. Get to know her as a person, and part of her experience is being a trans woman. Consider it a wonderful opportunity to make a new friend, potentially for life. :)
If you want to ask her about her experience politely, just be honest about your awkwardness and saying honestly, "I don't necessarily know how to ask, how would you prefer me asking?" It's very respectful, and pretty endearing.
posted by yueliang at 3:09 PM on January 3, 2015
Saying "I had no idea" was a lie but a white lie -- the kindness of the lie more than outweighed any inherent badness from lying. Continue on as if you genuinely had no idea.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:48 PM on January 3, 2015
posted by Jacqueline at 3:48 PM on January 3, 2015
I don't understand what you would say? "I did have an idea that you were probably assigned male because I noticed your adam's apple/how tall you are/your 5 o'clock shadow"?The OP did not say this. What she did say was:
I knew Jane was probably AMAB. When I first started this job, I heard other people discussing/joking about it but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested in participating in that conversation so it shut down around me pretty quickly, and they probably even realised that I would go straight up the ladder or to HR if I heard anything that warranted it.In other words, the question is not "Should I tell my trans friend that she doesn't pass visually?" (to which the answer would be "No, of course not, that's rude"). The question is "Should I tell my trans friend that coworkers of ours are outing her behind her back?" — to which the answer is "Yes, you should absolutely tell her."
Being outed nonconsensually is potentially a Really Bad Thing. For some of us it's just unpleasant and irritating, but for some of us it is actually dangerous. If people are spreading this sort of rumor about her, and she does not know already, then you would be doing a good deed by letting her know. (And if she does know already, then telling her still won't do any harm. In fact, it may still do some good: for instance, if she decides to complain to HR about this, it will be useful to her to know that she has an ally who can confirm that it is going on.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:06 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with nebulawindphone and my reading comprehension skills were not what they should have been, so I retract my answer for your specific situation. I am not a trans woman and I defer to the advice of someone who is.
posted by desjardins at 7:22 AM on January 4, 2015
posted by desjardins at 7:22 AM on January 4, 2015
Nebula, Anon's question actually is Do I take her aside and explain that I was flustered (mostly because I don't deal well with heartfelt or emotional conversations), and apologise for being dishonest - basically tell her that I had an inkling that she might be transgender but that I'm still very happy that she felt comfortable telling me?
She did write that, unlike the question on your reply, although that one may also be implied, and if not it at least is one that should be answered regardless.
So, for the original question, no, don't tell her you thought she may be trans. If the discussions about her were speculations, I understand she passes quite well, but she most likely already beats herself over only passing "quite well". She has a reminder everytime she looks into the mirror, seeing all the flaws, real and imagined. She doesn't need you nor your coworkers to tell her she doesn't pass. If you do become friends and she needs your input she will ask you for it.
About telling her about what your coworkers were saying, I'm with Nebula, but be ready for the possibility that it may not be a big deal. I'm a trans woman too, and I can tell you we all have different stories and different sensibilities. It may hurt her and she may want to go straight to HR or she may tell you she already knew and doesn't care. She may have developed a thicker skin since her teenage years. So don't invite her for coffee just to tell her that, it may be awkward. Do it when you have a few minutes at work, where you can easily slip away if the conversation ends there.
Oh, and before you ask her to have lunch/coffee/whatever together, be really really really honest with yourself about what are your strongest reasons for wanting to be closer with her. During the coming out and transition process most of us found out a lot of our friends didn't care that much for us as people. Don't become one more of those fake friends. If at some point it becomes evident that you're forcing a friendship she can potentially be really hurt.
I also wanted to thank you. The way you've handled everything so far, with her gender identity being a non issue, is really good and unfortunately uncommon. I wish I had more people like you in my life.
posted by Promethea at 3:12 PM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
She did write that, unlike the question on your reply, although that one may also be implied, and if not it at least is one that should be answered regardless.
So, for the original question, no, don't tell her you thought she may be trans. If the discussions about her were speculations, I understand she passes quite well, but she most likely already beats herself over only passing "quite well". She has a reminder everytime she looks into the mirror, seeing all the flaws, real and imagined. She doesn't need you nor your coworkers to tell her she doesn't pass. If you do become friends and she needs your input she will ask you for it.
About telling her about what your coworkers were saying, I'm with Nebula, but be ready for the possibility that it may not be a big deal. I'm a trans woman too, and I can tell you we all have different stories and different sensibilities. It may hurt her and she may want to go straight to HR or she may tell you she already knew and doesn't care. She may have developed a thicker skin since her teenage years. So don't invite her for coffee just to tell her that, it may be awkward. Do it when you have a few minutes at work, where you can easily slip away if the conversation ends there.
Oh, and before you ask her to have lunch/coffee/whatever together, be really really really honest with yourself about what are your strongest reasons for wanting to be closer with her. During the coming out and transition process most of us found out a lot of our friends didn't care that much for us as people. Don't become one more of those fake friends. If at some point it becomes evident that you're forcing a friendship she can potentially be really hurt.
I also wanted to thank you. The way you've handled everything so far, with her gender identity being a non issue, is really good and unfortunately uncommon. I wish I had more people like you in my life.
posted by Promethea at 3:12 PM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
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I'm not the most informed about this, but here's what I'd consider:
If this comes up naturally someday in the future, maybe when you've both been up far too late, and if she asks, "Really? You really didn't know?" you could say, "Did it matter? It wasn't any of my business, so I didn't care."
Then if she says she actually wants to know, you could say, "I may have overheard some stuff, but I ignored it because it absolutely didn't interest me."
You likely had no idea she'd struggled so much as a young person. So that's true. Beyond that, address it only if the time is 100% right and she wants to talk about it. My (admittedly not that well-informed) guess is that she probably won't.
posted by amtho at 11:44 AM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]