How can I be a safe painslut?
December 31, 2014 2:35 PM   Subscribe

I realized awhile ago I'm a bit of a painslut. I finally have a partner who is willing to explore that with me. However, I apparently don't know my limits or when to say stop. This has resulted in some minor injuries (details inside). How can I explore this aspect of my sexuality safely?

I'm totally fine with bruises or cuts or scrapes or whatever. But a couple of injuries have been a bit more than that: a very tiny piece of my lip was, um, bit off; there is a small tear in my labia minora from fisting and that general area is so swollen it hurts to sit.

The thing is, I LIKED the intensity of all that and didn't tell my partner to stop. I was enjoying it very much. But I'm worried I might end up with a nipple missing or a serious vaginal injury, and I wouldn't realize there was a problem until it was too late.

It's not a BDSM or sub/dom situation, I just like some pain while I get off. I'm perfectly fine saying stop and my partner will absolutely stop. I just need some tips on how to know WHEN to stay stop when I don't actually want to.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (6 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
You've got to agree ahead of time on ground rules, limits, and what you're going to be doing in any given session. Your partner needs to know ahead of time when to stop, because you're going to be floating on endorphins. Your partner should commit to stopping at the agreed upon limit, even if you beg them to keep going. (Make it part of the fun.)

I wouldn't be too worried about a tear in your labia minora - those happen, they heal, NBD. Part of your lip was bit off? How tiny are we talking? Permanent damage? Or just a little wound that'll fill in?

Another thing that might help: Tops get safewords too. Your partner can say red, or stop, or armadillo or whatever, when THEY don't feel like it's a good idea to continue.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 3:49 PM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]


Perhaps one of your rules is limiting the bite or scratch force on more sensitive areas like the mouth, ears, nipples, etc. When you're not in the act, sit with your partner and determine how much force is okay and then remember to not go past that on those areas. (As it seems you're most concerned about mouth, nipples, and lady bits, etc becoming injured.)

Also yeah, the labia tears are tough, they generally don't become painful until after so it's hard to determine when to stop. Perhaps try more lubrication to prevent them? Or try taking a few breaks to see if there's pain before moving on or becoming more rough. (Also this is in addition to the comment above which I think is all good advice.)
posted by Crystalinne at 5:01 PM on December 31, 2014


@Made of Star Stuff has a good point about tops getting safewords as well. However, I'd like to add that not only do tops get a safeword, but they have a responsibility to look out for their partners and keep things from getting out of hand.
posted by starbreaker at 5:02 PM on December 31, 2014 [13 favorites]


Quoted for truth: not only do tops get a safeword, but they have a responsibility to look out for their partners and keep things from getting out of hand.
posted by Specklet at 10:40 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


What the hell is wrong with your top that he/she is inflicting injury (no matter how minor) that you later regret? I don't think this person is responsible enough to be topping anyone. "Don't bite pieces of my genitalia off" is a pretty clear rule and not that difficult to abide by.

I accidentally caused a minor injury to someone involving blood and I stopped immediately to make sure he was okay. I took steps to make sure that type of accident could not reoccur. It was 100% my responsibility, regardless of whether or not he told me to stop.

Pain alters your brain chemistry - that's why you like it! But it also impairs your judgment. For the masochist (you), part of being able to "let go" is being able to trust your partner (the sadist). She or he should be able to read you like a book and know how far is too far. I'm not sure the person you're with is trustworthy.
posted by desjardins at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


Foam Pants, that comment seems a little flippant, but here are some book suggestions:

The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns
The Loving Dominant
posted by desjardins at 7:39 AM on January 3, 2015


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