Worried my boyfriend might be gay?
December 29, 2014 8:23 PM Subscribe
I am becoming worried that my boyfriend of 2.5 months might be gay. Are these valid reasons to be suspicious that he is homosexual? How should I apporach the situation?
Okay. So I started dating this guy officially in mid October. We began talking on okcupid. He is 24 and I am 22. I wasn't really sure what I wanted out of the dating site, had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and maybe just wanted to hookup or meet new people. He hasn't had a girlfriend in two years apparently, and his longest relationship was 3 months long. We began messaging in August and went on our first date a few weeks later in September. Had fun and really liked him. Our second date he asked me what I was looking for, I said I didn't want a relationship, he said he didn't either, just wanted something casual because he didn't really have his life together enough yet. Our third date we had our first kiss, I spent the night and we kissed and cuddled all night, but didn't have sex even though I knew he was turned on. I really really liked him and thought he was awesome and he seemed to really like me. Our fourth hangout we tried to have sex but he couldn't get hard enough or keep it up for long. I never had this problem and didn't know what to do so we didn't talk about it.
Eventually we deffinitely developed feelings for each other and he asked me out. I was really happy. We had problems having sex for the first few times, we eventually talked about it and he said he thinks he had erectile dysfunction because of his anxiety. He just graduated from college and is having trouble finding a career type job, currently works at a coffee shop and lives at home. We then had a couple successful sex sessions where he finished. Then he had problems keeping it up again. He said he just gets self concious when having sex and is too much in his head, but that he's fine on his own.
One night we were out at a bar with his friends. One of his friends made a comment saying "yeah Dan likes long skinny things. There's some things you don't know about your boyfriend." That comment bothered me so I asked him about it that night. I also remembered that his okcupid profile had some questions on it to where he answered that he likes anal sex and gay sex. We were having sex and he started to get soft. I asked him if he was bisexual, and he said a little bit but he thinks that everyone is. Then I asked him if he was attracted to me. He acted surprised and said of course. He said he thinks he has intimacy issues, and really doesn't want to get me pregnant because he doesnt want kids right now. Our next date he brought it back up and said that he didn't want me to doubt that he was attracted to me, he said he was madly attracted to me and had never felt this way about someone since he was a kid. He said he didn't want me to doubt that and said he wouldn't lie to me.
The other weekend he had a party and got really drunk, and made a couple comments about penises. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I know his friend who seems to like me as a person looked at me and said did you hear that, and I said yeah and his friend said hey dan your girlfriend heard that, and he was quiet. I just feel like something is being kept from me.
I really don't want to downplay our relationship, everything else is great, I get along great with his family and friends and think he is just awesome and wonderful and so sweet and cool. But a part of me is freaking out thinking that he might be gay, and is maybe trying to hide it by being with me. I hope he isn't using me when he's not really into me. What does it seem like? And how should I bring it up?
TL;DR
-boyfriend of three months has admitted to being bisexual
-sex life isn't great; he can't keep it up most times, but we have had great sex a few times
-has said he has erectile dysfunction because of intimacy issues and anxiety
-has made comments about guys sexually when drunk
-what should I do?
Okay. So I started dating this guy officially in mid October. We began talking on okcupid. He is 24 and I am 22. I wasn't really sure what I wanted out of the dating site, had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and maybe just wanted to hookup or meet new people. He hasn't had a girlfriend in two years apparently, and his longest relationship was 3 months long. We began messaging in August and went on our first date a few weeks later in September. Had fun and really liked him. Our second date he asked me what I was looking for, I said I didn't want a relationship, he said he didn't either, just wanted something casual because he didn't really have his life together enough yet. Our third date we had our first kiss, I spent the night and we kissed and cuddled all night, but didn't have sex even though I knew he was turned on. I really really liked him and thought he was awesome and he seemed to really like me. Our fourth hangout we tried to have sex but he couldn't get hard enough or keep it up for long. I never had this problem and didn't know what to do so we didn't talk about it.
Eventually we deffinitely developed feelings for each other and he asked me out. I was really happy. We had problems having sex for the first few times, we eventually talked about it and he said he thinks he had erectile dysfunction because of his anxiety. He just graduated from college and is having trouble finding a career type job, currently works at a coffee shop and lives at home. We then had a couple successful sex sessions where he finished. Then he had problems keeping it up again. He said he just gets self concious when having sex and is too much in his head, but that he's fine on his own.
One night we were out at a bar with his friends. One of his friends made a comment saying "yeah Dan likes long skinny things. There's some things you don't know about your boyfriend." That comment bothered me so I asked him about it that night. I also remembered that his okcupid profile had some questions on it to where he answered that he likes anal sex and gay sex. We were having sex and he started to get soft. I asked him if he was bisexual, and he said a little bit but he thinks that everyone is. Then I asked him if he was attracted to me. He acted surprised and said of course. He said he thinks he has intimacy issues, and really doesn't want to get me pregnant because he doesnt want kids right now. Our next date he brought it back up and said that he didn't want me to doubt that he was attracted to me, he said he was madly attracted to me and had never felt this way about someone since he was a kid. He said he didn't want me to doubt that and said he wouldn't lie to me.
The other weekend he had a party and got really drunk, and made a couple comments about penises. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I know his friend who seems to like me as a person looked at me and said did you hear that, and I said yeah and his friend said hey dan your girlfriend heard that, and he was quiet. I just feel like something is being kept from me.
I really don't want to downplay our relationship, everything else is great, I get along great with his family and friends and think he is just awesome and wonderful and so sweet and cool. But a part of me is freaking out thinking that he might be gay, and is maybe trying to hide it by being with me. I hope he isn't using me when he's not really into me. What does it seem like? And how should I bring it up?
TL;DR
-boyfriend of three months has admitted to being bisexual
-sex life isn't great; he can't keep it up most times, but we have had great sex a few times
-has said he has erectile dysfunction because of intimacy issues and anxiety
-has made comments about guys sexually when drunk
-what should I do?
Saying that he "admitted" to being bisexual is an odd way to phrase it if you noticed that his dating site profile said he was into gay sex before you'd ever met him.
If he's bi then all of these details seem consistent with that. I would think that focusing on theories whether or not he's secretly gay instead of bisexual isn't going to help you deal with any of the issues in this relationship.
posted by XMLicious at 8:41 PM on December 29, 2014 [9 favorites]
If he's bi then all of these details seem consistent with that. I would think that focusing on theories whether or not he's secretly gay instead of bisexual isn't going to help you deal with any of the issues in this relationship.
posted by XMLicious at 8:41 PM on December 29, 2014 [9 favorites]
I also remembered that his okcupid profile had some questions on it to where he answered that he likes anal sex and gay sex.
That's a little ambiguous — lots of straight men "like anal sex." Do you mean he said he likes receiving anal sex? (OKCupid does have a multiple-choice question about that.)
Based on all the details you've given, especially his embarrassed reaction when you overheard him at the party, I think he's probably gay (not bisexual) and trying to fool you/himself that he's really into you. I recommend finding someone you're sexually compatible with.
posted by John Cohen at 8:50 PM on December 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
That's a little ambiguous — lots of straight men "like anal sex." Do you mean he said he likes receiving anal sex? (OKCupid does have a multiple-choice question about that.)
Based on all the details you've given, especially his embarrassed reaction when you overheard him at the party, I think he's probably gay (not bisexual) and trying to fool you/himself that he's really into you. I recommend finding someone you're sexually compatible with.
posted by John Cohen at 8:50 PM on December 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Stop talking to his trouble making friend. Full stop.
Sexuality doesn't work quite the way you are portraying it here. A lot of people have at least experimented, or thought about experimenting, with same gender sex. That doesn't "make" anyone anything - they're with who they choose to be with. Period.
He's choosing you! Horray!! The sex issue is frustrating. It is not necessarily indicative of anything concerning his attraction to you.
Did your BF used to date this "friend" of his you keep referring to? Maybe he dated another guy? And if so, so what??
It only matters for STD's and if he's on the down low cheating on you. If your BF is not a cheater, and has been tested and so have you, no worries on the STD's.
Why does your BF keep this jerky guy in his life? What an undermining loser that guy is. ProTip: That guy is not your friend, and he's not a true friend to your BF, either.
Keep your relationship between you and your Boyfriend. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:00 PM on December 29, 2014 [7 favorites]
Sexuality doesn't work quite the way you are portraying it here. A lot of people have at least experimented, or thought about experimenting, with same gender sex. That doesn't "make" anyone anything - they're with who they choose to be with. Period.
He's choosing you! Horray!! The sex issue is frustrating. It is not necessarily indicative of anything concerning his attraction to you.
Did your BF used to date this "friend" of his you keep referring to? Maybe he dated another guy? And if so, so what??
It only matters for STD's and if he's on the down low cheating on you. If your BF is not a cheater, and has been tested and so have you, no worries on the STD's.
Why does your BF keep this jerky guy in his life? What an undermining loser that guy is. ProTip: That guy is not your friend, and he's not a true friend to your BF, either.
Keep your relationship between you and your Boyfriend. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:00 PM on December 29, 2014 [7 favorites]
Your problem is finding an honest guy, not his sexuality. Also, you're young, this guy should be willing to jump through flames to fornicate if he is into you.
posted by benzenedream at 9:00 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by benzenedream at 9:00 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you don't like the way the relationship is turning out, you can leave. You don't need to prove he's gay (or prove he's not into you, or prove he's lying, or prove he's "bad" somehow). If this isn't working out for you, you can go.
You don't get to decide what his orientation is. It is whatever he says it is, regardless of what his friends say or suggest or you suspect. They're shitty friends.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:01 PM on December 29, 2014 [27 favorites]
You don't get to decide what his orientation is. It is whatever he says it is, regardless of what his friends say or suggest or you suspect. They're shitty friends.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:01 PM on December 29, 2014 [27 favorites]
Your boyfriend probably isn't lying about being bi, he most likely is exactly that.
His friend, on the other hand, the one who "likes you as a person"? He wants to bang you. And is being a shit about it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:05 PM on December 29, 2014 [23 favorites]
His friend, on the other hand, the one who "likes you as a person"? He wants to bang you. And is being a shit about it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:05 PM on December 29, 2014 [23 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like this "friend" is being really immature about knowing that your boyfriend is bi, and you're playing into his little game to make your boyfriend feel ashamed and less open about his sexuality. His friend's comments sound like something a grade schooler would say.
I don't think anyone here can tell you very definitively whether he is bi or gay, because there are too many confounding factors here - his friend trying to embarrass him, him admitting that he has problems with anxiety, and you questioning him about his sexual orientation while you are having sex! (please don't do that! If he's struggling with anxiety already that's going to be very unhelpful for him)
Basically, I think you either need to decide you are going to help him feel supported and safe in your relationship (by not believing his stupid friend's insinuations over what he's directly telling you, by not interrogating him about his sexual orientation as if he's hiding something from you - especially not while in the process of having sex, and by telling him that you care about him and want him to enjoy sex and just want to know what he thinks is hot in bed so that you can help him enjoy himself and not for any other reason) - or just decide that you don't trust him, you're having bad sex with him and that's not working for you, and you want to move on.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:13 PM on December 29, 2014 [45 favorites]
I don't think anyone here can tell you very definitively whether he is bi or gay, because there are too many confounding factors here - his friend trying to embarrass him, him admitting that he has problems with anxiety, and you questioning him about his sexual orientation while you are having sex! (please don't do that! If he's struggling with anxiety already that's going to be very unhelpful for him)
Basically, I think you either need to decide you are going to help him feel supported and safe in your relationship (by not believing his stupid friend's insinuations over what he's directly telling you, by not interrogating him about his sexual orientation as if he's hiding something from you - especially not while in the process of having sex, and by telling him that you care about him and want him to enjoy sex and just want to know what he thinks is hot in bed so that you can help him enjoy himself and not for any other reason) - or just decide that you don't trust him, you're having bad sex with him and that's not working for you, and you want to move on.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:13 PM on December 29, 2014 [45 favorites]
I had a girlfriend who several times intimated that she thought I might be gay, I think mostly because I didn't have overtly negative reactions to having some of her gay friends make (clearly not serious, intended to tweak her) passes at me. How lucky I was that the relationship didn't last, because obsessing on my hypothetical gayness and ignoring how into her I was ended up being the tip of the iceberg with respect to the insecurities and obsessions I would have had to deal with down the road. Just a thought.
posted by kjs3 at 9:15 PM on December 29, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by kjs3 at 9:15 PM on December 29, 2014 [13 favorites]
Maybe he's working it out for himself, maybe he's anxious; maybe his friends are shitty, maybe they know more than he does about himself. Hard to tell. But if you're not comfortable, maybe it's not a fit right now.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:31 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:31 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think your ongoing anxiety issues might be more than a little contributing to these fears that maybe he doesn't "really" like you after all.
Our next date he brought it back up and said that he didn't want me to doubt that he was attracted to me, he said he was madly attracted to me and had never felt this way about someone since he was a kid. He said he didn't want me to doubt that and said he wouldn't lie to me.
If you believed this you wouldn't have posted this question. You have to either be able to believe what he says or not be with him at all.
posted by bleep at 9:33 PM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
Our next date he brought it back up and said that he didn't want me to doubt that he was attracted to me, he said he was madly attracted to me and had never felt this way about someone since he was a kid. He said he didn't want me to doubt that and said he wouldn't lie to me.
If you believed this you wouldn't have posted this question. You have to either be able to believe what he says or not be with him at all.
posted by bleep at 9:33 PM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
I guess if this was me and I really liked the guy, I'd focus more on his anxiety. What is he anxious about? You mentioned some regular life stuff but nothing that seems to me to point toward problems in bed necessarily. Maybe dial back some of the sex and intimacy stuff and just hang out with him a bit. No pressure. See if you like him.
And to echo what others are saying, I'd ask him about his asshole friend. "What's up with Joe? He seems like kind of a judgemental prick? Do we have to hang out with him?" Dude's a trouble-maker with some kind of agenda going on.
posted by amanda at 9:37 PM on December 29, 2014
And to echo what others are saying, I'd ask him about his asshole friend. "What's up with Joe? He seems like kind of a judgemental prick? Do we have to hang out with him?" Dude's a trouble-maker with some kind of agenda going on.
posted by amanda at 9:37 PM on December 29, 2014
I can confirm that it is entirely possible for a guy to have anxiety/mind issues that seriously affect his ability to develop and keep an erection... and still be very much hetero.
Unfortunately, I am no longer married to such a person, so I can't suggest ways to fix it successfully. Suffice it to say that beyond a certain point of making him comfortable, it really isn't up to you (no matter what he says).
posted by Madamina at 9:52 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, I am no longer married to such a person, so I can't suggest ways to fix it successfully. Suffice it to say that beyond a certain point of making him comfortable, it really isn't up to you (no matter what he says).
posted by Madamina at 9:52 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
It sounds like his friend is referring to something specific -- can't you just ask the friend? Clearly the friend did not read your boyfriend's OK Cupid Q&A, so he must be referring to something else, right?
Some people may not like to hear this, but I think the incidence of true bisexual men is pretty low. Studies seem to suggest that as well. Men who claim they are bisexual seem to always later identify as gay. I do think there may be a spectrum of sexuality, but it is absolutely untrue that "everyone is a little bisexual."
With all that being said, anxiety and issues with intimacy are legitimate reasons a guy may not be able to perform, even if he's attracted to you. I think asking him about it probably doesn't help so you're a bit at a dead end. The best you can do is enjoy what you do have with him and figure out if his inability to perform sexually is a dealbreaker.
The thing with one's sexuality that makes this tough is that, really, you have to respect the way the person is identifying or you end up accusing them of being a liar. And some people improperly use labels for bullshit reasons (like when bisexual women sleep with men and call themselves lesbian to make a political statement, which is infuriating to many lesbians) but usually the real reason labels aren't so clear cut is the person needs to figure things out.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:26 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Some people may not like to hear this, but I think the incidence of true bisexual men is pretty low. Studies seem to suggest that as well. Men who claim they are bisexual seem to always later identify as gay. I do think there may be a spectrum of sexuality, but it is absolutely untrue that "everyone is a little bisexual."
With all that being said, anxiety and issues with intimacy are legitimate reasons a guy may not be able to perform, even if he's attracted to you. I think asking him about it probably doesn't help so you're a bit at a dead end. The best you can do is enjoy what you do have with him and figure out if his inability to perform sexually is a dealbreaker.
The thing with one's sexuality that makes this tough is that, really, you have to respect the way the person is identifying or you end up accusing them of being a liar. And some people improperly use labels for bullshit reasons (like when bisexual women sleep with men and call themselves lesbian to make a political statement, which is infuriating to many lesbians) but usually the real reason labels aren't so clear cut is the person needs to figure things out.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:26 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm going to go a little against the grain here. I think your concerns are valid ones.
The problem with the bisexual label is that it's not only used by people who are genuinely bisexual, but it is also often used by men & women who are either confused about their sexuality, in denial of it, or just plain ashamed it. This is sadly, just the reality.
Keep in mind that Mefites can only speak from their own experiences:
Even my best friend in High School, who didn't officially come out until the end of Senior year, was convinced for most of highschool that she was "bisexual"... and she shooed away or barked at anyone that joked she was in reality a full on lesbian. Guess what... she figured out she was indeed a full on lesbian. During her "bisexual" years she had two boyfriends whom she had a very difficult time sleeping with. She always came up with excuses as to why she wasn't in the mood and her boyfriend would often express his frustration as to how he had a hard time getting her interested in sex. Meanwhile, when she had her first girlfriend she spread her legs within 3 weeks ... and then dumped her boyfriend. She never dated a man again, but despite this she didn't drop the bisexual label until over a year later.
I went to an arts school that had a very reputable Dance Department. Many of the guys who were Dance Majors were openly gay, some were hetero, and a couple were genuinely bi- but there were also a number of guys who 'claimed' to be bisexual who were in reality very much GAY GAY GAY. My favorite conversation was with a dancer (who was very talented btw) who insisted he was bisexual even though the partners he always seemed to choose to be with sexually were men. It took him YEARS to drop the "bisexual" label and finally admit that he was just Gay.
So based, on my experiences I would have to say that your concerns are valid. You're not crazy to think this way. It's true he may actually be bisexual- but AppleTurnover is correct- People, especially men who claim bisexuality do tend to identify as gay later on. So just him using that label is a yellow flag for me... all the other evidence you've added turn that flag a pale shade of Red. Asking you to ignore all these signs is asking I think too much.
Having said all this- I do hope that whatever you decide to do, you will at least stay friends with this guy if you can handle that, because from the sound of it his friends are kinda douchbags who are trying to cause him trouble. He seems like he could use a good one.
Source: 5 friends who started out "Bisexual" 15 years later- only ONE of them still sees themself as Bisexual rather than Gay.
posted by rancher at 12:49 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
The problem with the bisexual label is that it's not only used by people who are genuinely bisexual, but it is also often used by men & women who are either confused about their sexuality, in denial of it, or just plain ashamed it. This is sadly, just the reality.
Keep in mind that Mefites can only speak from their own experiences:
Even my best friend in High School, who didn't officially come out until the end of Senior year, was convinced for most of highschool that she was "bisexual"... and she shooed away or barked at anyone that joked she was in reality a full on lesbian. Guess what... she figured out she was indeed a full on lesbian. During her "bisexual" years she had two boyfriends whom she had a very difficult time sleeping with. She always came up with excuses as to why she wasn't in the mood and her boyfriend would often express his frustration as to how he had a hard time getting her interested in sex. Meanwhile, when she had her first girlfriend she spread her legs within 3 weeks ... and then dumped her boyfriend. She never dated a man again, but despite this she didn't drop the bisexual label until over a year later.
I went to an arts school that had a very reputable Dance Department. Many of the guys who were Dance Majors were openly gay, some were hetero, and a couple were genuinely bi- but there were also a number of guys who 'claimed' to be bisexual who were in reality very much GAY GAY GAY. My favorite conversation was with a dancer (who was very talented btw) who insisted he was bisexual even though the partners he always seemed to choose to be with sexually were men. It took him YEARS to drop the "bisexual" label and finally admit that he was just Gay.
So based, on my experiences I would have to say that your concerns are valid. You're not crazy to think this way. It's true he may actually be bisexual- but AppleTurnover is correct- People, especially men who claim bisexuality do tend to identify as gay later on. So just him using that label is a yellow flag for me... all the other evidence you've added turn that flag a pale shade of Red. Asking you to ignore all these signs is asking I think too much.
Having said all this- I do hope that whatever you decide to do, you will at least stay friends with this guy if you can handle that, because from the sound of it his friends are kinda douchbags who are trying to cause him trouble. He seems like he could use a good one.
Source: 5 friends who started out "Bisexual" 15 years later- only ONE of them still sees themself as Bisexual rather than Gay.
posted by rancher at 12:49 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's lots of bisexual erasure going on in some of the above comments, particularly the ones from AppleTurnover and rancher. My anecdata is different than theirs.(*)
I'm writing here as a bisexual man in his late thirties who's really, actually, genuinely no-shit bisexual (just like a lot of identified bisexuals, actually!) and not just in the closet or experimenting. When I was in my mid-20s, being attracted to people of more than one gender was extra difficult and confusing because everybody wants to put you in a well-defined orientation box. You like men? Then you're gay, and you're just in the closet (and you're sometimes made to feel like a pariah for that whenever you're in gay spaces). You like women? Then you're straight and some of your straight friends think you should be really embarrassed about those thoughts/experiences with men. When there's no box for you to fit in, you can feel an enormous amount of pressure to edit yourself into looking like you do fit into one of those boxes, and that's what I see when I read your question.
I think it's possible that your boyfriend might be gay. I think it's possible he's bi and scared to talk about it because he has friends that shame him about it (I had some of those too, and they didn't help). It's possible he's kinky too - I know of guys who identify as straight, who fall in love exclusively with women and are super turned on by women, except they also really really like sucking cock. Sexuality is complicated and multidimensional.
The ED may be related, or it may not: I have a very good friend who has lots of problems with anxiety-related ED and is quite straight, but still dealt with a lot of worries and questions about his sexuality because of the ED. Getting hard is ingrained in our culture as the ultimate test of masculine attraction, and when you can't do that, you have to work through a lot of baggage that most people don't. Anxiety like that is a really vicious cycle, and unless you really work at creating a safe space where it's OK if he doesn't get hard, that you still have ways to have good sex when that happens, then that just reinforces the anxiety spiral. If you don't think you can do that, then y'all might not be right for each other.
I would suggest the following, from my own personal experience:
- Take him at his word when he says he's really into you. If he's a great boyfriend in every way except for his ability to get and stay hard, that's a pretty good sign that yes, he's really into you.
- When you treat him going soft like a test of his attraction to you, that just reinforces the anxiety. Try to work out how you can both have good sex without relying on his erection, because the ED almost certainly isn't going to disappear - if you're going to make a life together, this is going to be a thing you deal with for a long time.
- Give him a safe place to be himself, and for that self to change. If it's true that you're OK with him being attracted to men too, let him know that by being calm and relaxed when it comes up (and for heaven's sake, don't do it during sex right after he loses his erection - that's pretty harsh).
- Examine your own thoughts and feelings, and try and figure out whether *you* are OK with him a) not being perfectly straight and/or b) having ED and not being able to get hard at the drop of a hat like guys are expected to do. It sounds kind of like you might not be, and that's alright - not everybody is, and you shouldn't be expected to change yourself that way unless you want to - but if you're not, y'all should probably think about calling it quits, because that's who he is, and who you are, and those puzzle pieces don't fit together.
(*) I have a number of bi-identified friends who range from mostly-gay to almost-but-not-entirely-straight and many have walked all over the orientation continuum over the last 20 years. Most still identify as some variation on bi or queer - more than 5 of us, even excluding myself and my current partners! My experience is that sexuality is fluid, and people often don't fit in neat boxes. Erika Moen has a great comic on how their sexual identity shifted and changed over time; you might take a look at that for a more balanced view of sexual orientation.
posted by hackwolf at 2:18 AM on December 30, 2014 [72 favorites]
I'm writing here as a bisexual man in his late thirties who's really, actually, genuinely no-shit bisexual (just like a lot of identified bisexuals, actually!) and not just in the closet or experimenting. When I was in my mid-20s, being attracted to people of more than one gender was extra difficult and confusing because everybody wants to put you in a well-defined orientation box. You like men? Then you're gay, and you're just in the closet (and you're sometimes made to feel like a pariah for that whenever you're in gay spaces). You like women? Then you're straight and some of your straight friends think you should be really embarrassed about those thoughts/experiences with men. When there's no box for you to fit in, you can feel an enormous amount of pressure to edit yourself into looking like you do fit into one of those boxes, and that's what I see when I read your question.
I think it's possible that your boyfriend might be gay. I think it's possible he's bi and scared to talk about it because he has friends that shame him about it (I had some of those too, and they didn't help). It's possible he's kinky too - I know of guys who identify as straight, who fall in love exclusively with women and are super turned on by women, except they also really really like sucking cock. Sexuality is complicated and multidimensional.
The ED may be related, or it may not: I have a very good friend who has lots of problems with anxiety-related ED and is quite straight, but still dealt with a lot of worries and questions about his sexuality because of the ED. Getting hard is ingrained in our culture as the ultimate test of masculine attraction, and when you can't do that, you have to work through a lot of baggage that most people don't. Anxiety like that is a really vicious cycle, and unless you really work at creating a safe space where it's OK if he doesn't get hard, that you still have ways to have good sex when that happens, then that just reinforces the anxiety spiral. If you don't think you can do that, then y'all might not be right for each other.
I would suggest the following, from my own personal experience:
- Take him at his word when he says he's really into you. If he's a great boyfriend in every way except for his ability to get and stay hard, that's a pretty good sign that yes, he's really into you.
- When you treat him going soft like a test of his attraction to you, that just reinforces the anxiety. Try to work out how you can both have good sex without relying on his erection, because the ED almost certainly isn't going to disappear - if you're going to make a life together, this is going to be a thing you deal with for a long time.
- Give him a safe place to be himself, and for that self to change. If it's true that you're OK with him being attracted to men too, let him know that by being calm and relaxed when it comes up (and for heaven's sake, don't do it during sex right after he loses his erection - that's pretty harsh).
- Examine your own thoughts and feelings, and try and figure out whether *you* are OK with him a) not being perfectly straight and/or b) having ED and not being able to get hard at the drop of a hat like guys are expected to do. It sounds kind of like you might not be, and that's alright - not everybody is, and you shouldn't be expected to change yourself that way unless you want to - but if you're not, y'all should probably think about calling it quits, because that's who he is, and who you are, and those puzzle pieces don't fit together.
(*) I have a number of bi-identified friends who range from mostly-gay to almost-but-not-entirely-straight and many have walked all over the orientation continuum over the last 20 years. Most still identify as some variation on bi or queer - more than 5 of us, even excluding myself and my current partners! My experience is that sexuality is fluid, and people often don't fit in neat boxes. Erika Moen has a great comic on how their sexual identity shifted and changed over time; you might take a look at that for a more balanced view of sexual orientation.
posted by hackwolf at 2:18 AM on December 30, 2014 [72 favorites]
Best answer: He is 24
Then my best advice is to take him at his word when he says
he just gets self conscious when having sex and is too much in his head
and help him return his attention to where it needs to be, which is right here right now with you.
Sexual orientation is an after-the-fact description resulting from lived experience. Trying to adopt a prescribed or imposed or chosen orientation as an exercise of will usually ends badly. If your new bloke's history includes attraction to a wider-than-usual gender range, what of it? Says nothing at all about whether or not he's into you, which by his own account he really is.
We then had a couple successful sex sessions where he finished.
Lots of young people seem to see sex as a goal-oriented game where no penetration and/or no orgasm = failure. Life gets much, much better when you give that view away.
If you can both learn to reframe sex as intense mutual exploration of the limits of sensuality, to be experienced in the moment with as little comparison to past experience as possible, the idea that your partner "might be gay" will become almost laughably irrelevant.
posted by flabdablet at 2:55 AM on December 30, 2014 [13 favorites]
Then my best advice is to take him at his word when he says
he just gets self conscious when having sex and is too much in his head
and help him return his attention to where it needs to be, which is right here right now with you.
Sexual orientation is an after-the-fact description resulting from lived experience. Trying to adopt a prescribed or imposed or chosen orientation as an exercise of will usually ends badly. If your new bloke's history includes attraction to a wider-than-usual gender range, what of it? Says nothing at all about whether or not he's into you, which by his own account he really is.
We then had a couple successful sex sessions where he finished.
Lots of young people seem to see sex as a goal-oriented game where no penetration and/or no orgasm = failure. Life gets much, much better when you give that view away.
If you can both learn to reframe sex as intense mutual exploration of the limits of sensuality, to be experienced in the moment with as little comparison to past experience as possible, the idea that your partner "might be gay" will become almost laughably irrelevant.
posted by flabdablet at 2:55 AM on December 30, 2014 [13 favorites]
Best answer: flabdablet is right. Sexual attraction is strange and confounding, and often doesn't map to our understanding of it, especially when that understanding comes from friends and the media.
And this is something a lot of people won't tell you: sex isn't everything.
posted by JHarris at 5:04 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
And this is something a lot of people won't tell you: sex isn't everything.
posted by JHarris at 5:04 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Where the rubber meets the road in relationships is: are you getting what you need from it? That's it, that's all. If you're happy, and he's happy, then the rest of it is just static.
Sexual issues may or may not resolve. You can both work on it, if it improves, awesome, if not, it's sad, but you may want to move on. Or not. It's up to you.
He said he thinks he has intimacy issues, and really doesn't want to get me pregnant because he doesn't want kids right now.
This freaks me out a bit. You are on birth control, right? Because actual contraceptives will keep you from getting pregnant. Any time a penis is near your vagina, without a contraceptive, there's a chance of pregnancy. Hard, soft, or pulled out before ejaculation. So before this turns into a more complicated Ask, please get on birth control. Also, if you don't know his status, condoms. You know this, he knows this, please don't be a statistic.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:43 AM on December 30, 2014 [7 favorites]
Sexual issues may or may not resolve. You can both work on it, if it improves, awesome, if not, it's sad, but you may want to move on. Or not. It's up to you.
He said he thinks he has intimacy issues, and really doesn't want to get me pregnant because he doesn't want kids right now.
This freaks me out a bit. You are on birth control, right? Because actual contraceptives will keep you from getting pregnant. Any time a penis is near your vagina, without a contraceptive, there's a chance of pregnancy. Hard, soft, or pulled out before ejaculation. So before this turns into a more complicated Ask, please get on birth control. Also, if you don't know his status, condoms. You know this, he knows this, please don't be a statistic.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:43 AM on December 30, 2014 [7 favorites]
I really don't want to downplay our relationship, everything else is great, I get along great with his family and friends and think he is just awesome and wonderful and so sweet and cool. But a part of me is freaking out thinking that he might be gay, and is maybe trying to hide it by being with me. I hope he isn't using me when he's not really into me. What does it seem like? And how should I bring it up?
Everything you've talked about in your post is a perfectly reasonable thing to bring up with your boyfriend. Just ask him straight out what is going on, and be prepared to not like what you hear. But better to figure it out now than later, imo. And you definitely need to ask about whether you guys are exclusive and whether he's actually have sex with guys while he's dating you.
posted by empath at 6:55 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Everything you've talked about in your post is a perfectly reasonable thing to bring up with your boyfriend. Just ask him straight out what is going on, and be prepared to not like what you hear. But better to figure it out now than later, imo. And you definitely need to ask about whether you guys are exclusive and whether he's actually have sex with guys while he's dating you.
posted by empath at 6:55 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm wondering what his masturbation schedule looks like too. If he's wanking more than once in a 48 or 72 hour period, it might make it difficult to get hard for sex. Also if he's doing it to porn he might have unrealistic expectations.
The anxiety that he's admitted to can also cause serious ED. I would talk to him about it in a kind and understanding manner, ask what you can do (together) that would please him, and maybe experiment a bit. Could be that he's kinkier than you and doesn't know how to admit he wants some ass play?
There are lots of explanations that have nothing to do with him either being gay, or not being into you. If you like this guy, talk to him about it honestly and support him, and be open minded.
posted by topsykretts at 7:41 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
The anxiety that he's admitted to can also cause serious ED. I would talk to him about it in a kind and understanding manner, ask what you can do (together) that would please him, and maybe experiment a bit. Could be that he's kinkier than you and doesn't know how to admit he wants some ass play?
There are lots of explanations that have nothing to do with him either being gay, or not being into you. If you like this guy, talk to him about it honestly and support him, and be open minded.
posted by topsykretts at 7:41 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Agreed, is it perfectly feasible that he is actually bisexual. If he was trying to convince people (or himself) he was into women, why would he be so upfront about bisexuality? And plenty of younger guys have ED; it's just a stereotype that it's all older people. This is mostly beside the point when it comes to whether or not you want to stay with him. You are one hundred percent free to decide that at any point, and there doesn't have to be a reason.
posted by BibiRose at 7:45 AM on December 30, 2014
posted by BibiRose at 7:45 AM on December 30, 2014
Best answer: I came in to say what hackwolf said (although he said it better). Bi really is a thing. And maybe he'll move down the continuum to gay later, and maybe he won't. But being bi is really, really hard in Western society. I'm a bi woman, and usually hear one of four things:
1) You just need a real man (as opposed to my husband) to show you you're straight
2) You just married your husband because you're buying in to society's expectations/you want to "pass" as straight, but you're really a lesbian
3) You're bi so you obviously can't be monogamous
4) You're just doing it for the attention because men dig bi chicks and like threesomes.
Bonus points for the gay man telling me at an LGBTQA conference, "Oh, you're bi? Are you married? Any children? Oh good, no children. That will make it easier for you when you come out as lesbian and get divorced."
Seriously.
It's totally fine if you can't be comfortable with him being bi. However, it's really unkind to not believe his own definition of himself, where he is now in life. Yes, there are gay men that start out id'ing as hetero, then bi, then gay. I know them, too. But you know what? The relationships they had with women - their ex-girlfriends - those men loved them at the time. They enjoyed sex with them at the time. Some of them had deep conflicts, and some of them did realize that their attractions were more towards men than women and it took a bit to come to terms with that. But it doesn't invalidate their previous relationships, or the emotions they felt for those partners.
So it's ok to decide you don't want to deal with his sexuality. It's ok for you to decide that you need a straight up hetero male partner. But as I said before, it's unkind to automatically assume that he's gay when he's told you otherwise.
Also, a few other things:
1) I am giving the "friend" a huge side-eye. He might like you as a person, but he is NOT HELPING either of you right now.
2) I have been in long term relationships with men, and even men in their 20s can have issues getting it up or keeping it up. As mentioned upthread, society puts a big emphasis on erect penis = masculinity, and sexually attracted to partner = erect penis, which is a really big pressure to be under every time you have sex. And once he starts having anxiety about the ability to get it up, every time it doesn't happen, it feeds into his anxiety, which causes more issues, which causes more anxiety, etc. The best way to break out of that spiral is to make sex a safe area for him, where you both can explore other ways to make one another feel good. If you need a script, I've used this one in the past to pretty good effect:
"I really love you and enjoy feeling good with you. Sex is a big way for me to show that to you, and I want to enjoy it with you. We both know that sometimes straight up intercourse won't work for us. I'd really love to explore other ways to make one another feel good. For instance, I've been thinking about doing (fill in the blank) with you, what do you think?" It can be a bit awkward to start, but I've found that it can really open up your relationship and intimacy to be open to more than traditional penis-in-vagina sex.
posted by RogueTech at 7:45 AM on December 30, 2014 [12 favorites]
1) You just need a real man (as opposed to my husband) to show you you're straight
2) You just married your husband because you're buying in to society's expectations/you want to "pass" as straight, but you're really a lesbian
3) You're bi so you obviously can't be monogamous
4) You're just doing it for the attention because men dig bi chicks and like threesomes.
Bonus points for the gay man telling me at an LGBTQA conference, "Oh, you're bi? Are you married? Any children? Oh good, no children. That will make it easier for you when you come out as lesbian and get divorced."
Seriously.
It's totally fine if you can't be comfortable with him being bi. However, it's really unkind to not believe his own definition of himself, where he is now in life. Yes, there are gay men that start out id'ing as hetero, then bi, then gay. I know them, too. But you know what? The relationships they had with women - their ex-girlfriends - those men loved them at the time. They enjoyed sex with them at the time. Some of them had deep conflicts, and some of them did realize that their attractions were more towards men than women and it took a bit to come to terms with that. But it doesn't invalidate their previous relationships, or the emotions they felt for those partners.
So it's ok to decide you don't want to deal with his sexuality. It's ok for you to decide that you need a straight up hetero male partner. But as I said before, it's unkind to automatically assume that he's gay when he's told you otherwise.
Also, a few other things:
1) I am giving the "friend" a huge side-eye. He might like you as a person, but he is NOT HELPING either of you right now.
2) I have been in long term relationships with men, and even men in their 20s can have issues getting it up or keeping it up. As mentioned upthread, society puts a big emphasis on erect penis = masculinity, and sexually attracted to partner = erect penis, which is a really big pressure to be under every time you have sex. And once he starts having anxiety about the ability to get it up, every time it doesn't happen, it feeds into his anxiety, which causes more issues, which causes more anxiety, etc. The best way to break out of that spiral is to make sex a safe area for him, where you both can explore other ways to make one another feel good. If you need a script, I've used this one in the past to pretty good effect:
"I really love you and enjoy feeling good with you. Sex is a big way for me to show that to you, and I want to enjoy it with you. We both know that sometimes straight up intercourse won't work for us. I'd really love to explore other ways to make one another feel good. For instance, I've been thinking about doing (fill in the blank) with you, what do you think?" It can be a bit awkward to start, but I've found that it can really open up your relationship and intimacy to be open to more than traditional penis-in-vagina sex.
posted by RogueTech at 7:45 AM on December 30, 2014 [12 favorites]
There are lots of straight men who can't keep it up if they are afraid of an accidental pregnancy. There are very few straight men who think that everyone is a little bi.
I don't think that you can fix this one.
posted by myselfasme at 7:48 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't think that you can fix this one.
posted by myselfasme at 7:48 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
The 'afraid of pregnancy' thing leaped out at me. What contraception are you two using? Work together to find a combination of methods (and this early in a relationship, those should always include condoms until you've both been tested for everything, covering incubation/window periods, and have had a serious pants-on discussion about monogamy boundaries and trust) that you both have confidence in to remove or lessen that worry.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:57 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:57 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I've dated two gay men. I am a heterosexual woman. (Two! More fool me) So I 100% understand where you're coming from and why you are concerned.
I think the fact that he is willing to talk to you about sex and your sex life is actually pretty strong evidence that he is not gay or hiding anything from you. If he were gay and hiding it from you (or himself), he'd probably not be so open about bedroom things.
Standard disclaimers here: I'm not him, I'm not you, YMMV, etc.
Also, his friend is a jerk. Sounds like he's uncomfortable with your boyfriend being bi. Ugh.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think the fact that he is willing to talk to you about sex and your sex life is actually pretty strong evidence that he is not gay or hiding anything from you. If he were gay and hiding it from you (or himself), he'd probably not be so open about bedroom things.
Standard disclaimers here: I'm not him, I'm not you, YMMV, etc.
Also, his friend is a jerk. Sounds like he's uncomfortable with your boyfriend being bi. Ugh.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
society puts a big emphasis on erect penis = masculinity, and sexually attracted to partner = erect penis, which is a really big pressure to be under every time you have sex
...quite apart from both of those equations being complete bullshit.
posted by flabdablet at 8:31 AM on December 30, 2014
...quite apart from both of those equations being complete bullshit.
posted by flabdablet at 8:31 AM on December 30, 2014
One rather obvious observation which might easily otherwise be lost amid the complication and drama:
Whatever he's into (and I'm not sure it's useful to label it either way), the thing to bear in mind is that he's very very likely to keep on being exactly that. The problems you mention are not going to get "better" (from your perspective). Fait accompli.
There's a spectrum, of course, nobody's all one way. But from what you say, his erectile dysfunction being due to intimacy issues and anxiety seems clearly to be a lie. And while you don't necessarily need him to change (and he won't), especially if all else is, as you say, "great", you definitely need him to stop lying to you. That's the real problem here that I see. Because if he's lying to you, he may be using you.
Edit: OTOH, it could be his honest conundrum re: gender pref (anxiety with women/intimacy with women). IMO you need to have a serious talk about it.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:39 AM on December 30, 2014
Whatever he's into (and I'm not sure it's useful to label it either way), the thing to bear in mind is that he's very very likely to keep on being exactly that. The problems you mention are not going to get "better" (from your perspective). Fait accompli.
There's a spectrum, of course, nobody's all one way. But from what you say, his erectile dysfunction being due to intimacy issues and anxiety seems clearly to be a lie. And while you don't necessarily need him to change (and he won't), especially if all else is, as you say, "great", you definitely need him to stop lying to you. That's the real problem here that I see. Because if he's lying to you, he may be using you.
Edit: OTOH, it could be his honest conundrum re: gender pref (anxiety with women/intimacy with women). IMO you need to have a serious talk about it.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:39 AM on December 30, 2014
Best answer: Just chiming in to echo what hackwolf and RogueTech have written--male bisexuality is a very legitimate thing, and human sexual orientation and tastes and turn-ons are always going to be various, complex, and constantly shifting. What matters is that your boyfriend is into you. I would take him at his word on this. If he's out enough as "bi" for his friends to know and to have written it in his OKC profile, he's out enough that he wouldn't be using you as some kind of cover-up.
That said, if you have a persistent, nagging discomfort with any of it, that's okay too. But I would take him at his word on this, and chalk up the other stuff to his friends being immature jerks.
posted by magdalemon at 8:40 AM on December 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
That said, if you have a persistent, nagging discomfort with any of it, that's okay too. But I would take him at his word on this, and chalk up the other stuff to his friends being immature jerks.
posted by magdalemon at 8:40 AM on December 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
his friend said hey dan your girlfriend heard that, and he was quiet.
I would feel better about this if he had said: "Shut up Rodney, anon1129 knows I'm into cock. She doesn't have a problem with it -- but it seems like you do. So what's your problem?"
On the other hand, drunk people aren't always that suave.
he can't keep it up most times
I would feel better about this if you were also telling us how he's really into your pussy, happy to get you off orally, etc.
On the other hand, het boys aren't always that into cunnilingus.
But regardless of sexual orientation, he really should be putting in a good-faith effort to get you off.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:25 AM on December 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would feel better about this if he had said: "Shut up Rodney, anon1129 knows I'm into cock. She doesn't have a problem with it -- but it seems like you do. So what's your problem?"
On the other hand, drunk people aren't always that suave.
he can't keep it up most times
I would feel better about this if you were also telling us how he's really into your pussy, happy to get you off orally, etc.
On the other hand, het boys aren't always that into cunnilingus.
But regardless of sexual orientation, he really should be putting in a good-faith effort to get you off.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:25 AM on December 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
You asked, "Is he gay?"
This part I can at least decisively answer for you: No, he's not.
He's stated multiple times that he's bixexual. He's romantically involved with a girl currently, and has had sex with her, and has also had sex with men.
He's bisexual.
The rest of your problems are actually unrelated to this issue. Does he seem sexually interested in you? Is the sex heading in the right direction (getting better)? Do you want to date him? Are you comfortable dating a (honestly open about it) bi guy?
posted by IAmBroom at 1:06 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
This part I can at least decisively answer for you: No, he's not.
He's stated multiple times that he's bixexual. He's romantically involved with a girl currently, and has had sex with her, and has also had sex with men.
He's bisexual.
The rest of your problems are actually unrelated to this issue. Does he seem sexually interested in you? Is the sex heading in the right direction (getting better)? Do you want to date him? Are you comfortable dating a (honestly open about it) bi guy?
posted by IAmBroom at 1:06 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
He likes boys. He likes girls. To hell with his friends that are convinced that happiness can only be found with penis in vagina. If it turns out he is trying to force his feelings into something bigger than they are, then there should be no embarrassment on your part. Sex can be a buffet, go and enjoy all of it!
posted by Foam Pants at 9:25 PM on January 2, 2015
posted by Foam Pants at 9:25 PM on January 2, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Even 100% hetero young people can have awkward sex. Especially in the beginning when you are still getting to know each others' bodies.
I would worry less about him and more about *you.* What do you actually want? Do you like him? Are you attracted to him? If he's bi and has slept with guys, are you comfortable with that?
posted by radioamy at 8:35 PM on December 29, 2014 [41 favorites]