He doesn't like my Christmas.
December 25, 2014 11:43 AM Subscribe
I got my husband a painting by his favorite artist for Christmas, and never doubted for a second he would love it. I was ... incorrect. How do I keep up my Christmas Spirit?
This is our first Christmas together and I wanted it to be wonderful. I realize that want is a prescription for disappointment. So I readied myself for him to get me well intentioned but dumb gifts (he got me really cute gifts). I readied myself for him to not like the board game I got him (he really liked that). But I knew in my heart that he would love this painting. It's by his favorite painter! It has so many things that he loves in it!
He opened it and looked confused. I said "Do you like it?!?" and he said "it's okay". Still not getting it, I don't know what I was thinking, I chirped "it's by [artist]!". He said "that's cool" and continued to look confused. Like a dimwit seeing the truth at last, I said "don't you like it?" and he said "it's alright." It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't not cry. If I'd been prepared, I would've been able to not cry. But there was no known-to-me universe in which this could happen. So I cried a lot.
There's been much self-hatred and gnashing of teeth while he tries to make me feel better about it. He feels awful, says he knows he received it poorly and he is so, so sorry. He's afraid I'm going to eventually be resentful that he was so ungracious. He says he should have lied, said he liked it. He swears he doesn't hate it.
I don't want him to fake like a present. I feel bad that my radar was so off. I don't wish he would've lied, I just wish he would've liked it. Or that I would've been emotionally ready for him to not like it.
I want to have a happy rest of the day - it's just the two of us today and I've got a lovely Christmas dinner to cook. How do I suck it up, how do I go forward? I don't want to be the pouty baby and ruin the rest of the holiday. Any mantras or thoughts to help me get through?
This is our first Christmas together and I wanted it to be wonderful. I realize that want is a prescription for disappointment. So I readied myself for him to get me well intentioned but dumb gifts (he got me really cute gifts). I readied myself for him to not like the board game I got him (he really liked that). But I knew in my heart that he would love this painting. It's by his favorite painter! It has so many things that he loves in it!
He opened it and looked confused. I said "Do you like it?!?" and he said "it's okay". Still not getting it, I don't know what I was thinking, I chirped "it's by [artist]!". He said "that's cool" and continued to look confused. Like a dimwit seeing the truth at last, I said "don't you like it?" and he said "it's alright." It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't not cry. If I'd been prepared, I would've been able to not cry. But there was no known-to-me universe in which this could happen. So I cried a lot.
There's been much self-hatred and gnashing of teeth while he tries to make me feel better about it. He feels awful, says he knows he received it poorly and he is so, so sorry. He's afraid I'm going to eventually be resentful that he was so ungracious. He says he should have lied, said he liked it. He swears he doesn't hate it.
I don't want him to fake like a present. I feel bad that my radar was so off. I don't wish he would've lied, I just wish he would've liked it. Or that I would've been emotionally ready for him to not like it.
I want to have a happy rest of the day - it's just the two of us today and I've got a lovely Christmas dinner to cook. How do I suck it up, how do I go forward? I don't want to be the pouty baby and ruin the rest of the holiday. Any mantras or thoughts to help me get through?
It's all information. Find out from him what he does and doesn't like about it, consider asking the artist if you can exchange it for one he likes better, remember that this is only one of many many gift-giving oppprtunities you will have over the years and as the years go by you will learn his taste better and better. If it was so easy, it would never be a big deal when you get it right, which you will sooner or later. Now just put it in a box to think about next week and get on with loving the time you spend together. And really really don't hang onto your disappointment because then both of you will be unhappy. Go play that board game with him now!
posted by janey47 at 11:54 AM on December 25, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 11:54 AM on December 25, 2014 [18 favorites]
He really liked the board game!
posted by Shmuel510 at 11:55 AM on December 25, 2014 [62 favorites]
posted by Shmuel510 at 11:55 AM on December 25, 2014 [62 favorites]
Best answer: Take a moment to investigate your feelings. Crying can indicate deep emotions. Where are yours stemming from?
Give yourself a little grace. Everyone has moments there weren't spot on, and that's okay.
Tell yourself "I'm upset now, but I'll feel better later." Because you will feel better and you might not feel this way now, but eventually you'll be able to laugh about that one Christmas when you were wildly off.
And then fake it 'till you make it.
posted by HMSSM at 11:55 AM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Give yourself a little grace. Everyone has moments there weren't spot on, and that's okay.
Tell yourself "I'm upset now, but I'll feel better later." Because you will feel better and you might not feel this way now, but eventually you'll be able to laugh about that one Christmas when you were wildly off.
And then fake it 'till you make it.
posted by HMSSM at 11:55 AM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Don't let perfect be the enemy of good here. That one gift was not the perfect gift you thought it would be. Disappointing? Sure. But you did a great job with the board game! And you are sharing a first Christmas with your new husband! And you are about to make a lovely Christmas meal to share together! And you are starting a life together! A life filled with joy and laughter and ups and downs and, yes, gifts that bomb despite our best intentions! How great that you have a partner with whom to share your triumphs and missteps! The importance of that painting pales in comparison to all of the good right before you.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
posted by murrey at 12:04 PM on December 25, 2014 [14 favorites]
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
posted by murrey at 12:04 PM on December 25, 2014 [14 favorites]
His reaction and lack of grace had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, so ask him what happened and why he reacted that way! This is your chance to start an ongoing dialogue with one another about actions, reactions, and inaction so you're never forced to read each other's minds. Maybe this painting is one that someone else once gave him and he has negative associations with it now. Maybe he feels embarrassed and unworthy of such a gift. Make sure he tells you what's up so you don't take it as personally as you are.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:06 PM on December 25, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:06 PM on December 25, 2014 [9 favorites]
Also... Remember, you guys haven't been married for very long at all. Not everything has to be perfect all the time. It's in the missteps that a couple truly can grow. What a great opportunity for both of you to be extra loving towards one another.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:07 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:07 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Art is a really hard gift to give someone. I would just try to think of that and that it isn't something personal he doesn't like about you - it's just a really hit or miss category. Clothing, jewelry - anything that's a matter of taste is so difficult. Have you ever received a very perplexing present before?
Try to reassure him that his honesty is actually appreciated even if it was tough to deal with in the moment. It's one thing if a gift comes from a clueless distant relative, but spouses are different. The best gift you can give each other is not making you live with something you genuinely dislike and pretend for years otherwise.
posted by decathexis at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2014 [18 favorites]
Try to reassure him that his honesty is actually appreciated even if it was tough to deal with in the moment. It's one thing if a gift comes from a clueless distant relative, but spouses are different. The best gift you can give each other is not making you live with something you genuinely dislike and pretend for years otherwise.
posted by decathexis at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2014 [18 favorites]
You're an adult, move on and decide to enjoy the day and do so.
Turn on some music, dance around the house. Have a formal dinner with him, but naked. Play the boardgame with him. Cook the meal together. Skip cooking and go to a restaurant. Hell, skip cooking and have sex until you're exhausted. Teach each other how to twerk. Play strip poker.
Make the decision to be happy and follow it with action.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2014 [16 favorites]
Turn on some music, dance around the house. Have a formal dinner with him, but naked. Play the boardgame with him. Cook the meal together. Skip cooking and go to a restaurant. Hell, skip cooking and have sex until you're exhausted. Teach each other how to twerk. Play strip poker.
Make the decision to be happy and follow it with action.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2014 [16 favorites]
Best answer: You were smart and did not place all your eggs in one gift basket. The thing you thought was a surefire hit wasn't and the backup thing turned out to be a hit. You are a walking, talking avatar of the Giving Spirit and should feel proud and live your day as such.
I've found that unless the giftee is 5, only go for the Lone Big Gift if they have at some point pointed it out to you and said, "That is awesome, I want that." (and even if the giftee is 5, the difference between the Heatwave RescueBot and the Rubble RescueBot is only ignored at your peril.) Otherwise, always try to hedge your bets, just like you did.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:12 PM on December 25, 2014 [24 favorites]
I've found that unless the giftee is 5, only go for the Lone Big Gift if they have at some point pointed it out to you and said, "That is awesome, I want that." (and even if the giftee is 5, the difference between the Heatwave RescueBot and the Rubble RescueBot is only ignored at your peril.) Otherwise, always try to hedge your bets, just like you did.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:12 PM on December 25, 2014 [24 favorites]
Oh, poor you!
I mean... WHY didn't he like it? (I would ask him, seriously. Was it an offensive painting or something??) He didn't HAVE to like it, but you gave him something that you were certain he would like... he could have been more polite. It's your first xmas together, damn, he needs to learn how to fake joy, that's just life.
Maybe in the future I would give him stuff that he can change if he doesn't like it.
Now forget about it and have a happy christmas! :)
posted by divina_y_humilde at 12:14 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
I mean... WHY didn't he like it? (I would ask him, seriously. Was it an offensive painting or something??) He didn't HAVE to like it, but you gave him something that you were certain he would like... he could have been more polite. It's your first xmas together, damn, he needs to learn how to fake joy, that's just life.
Maybe in the future I would give him stuff that he can change if he doesn't like it.
Now forget about it and have a happy christmas! :)
posted by divina_y_humilde at 12:14 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
A couple of questions, and two suggestions:
Was this an original painting or was it a framed print? While I love prints of things that were meant to be prints or translate directly as prints (movie posters, illustrations, photos), I'm not a huge fan of framed commercial prints of gallery paintings, which often minimize the impact of the original work - sort of like giving someone a favorite movie on VHS. My impression is that this isn't an uncommon sentiment. If this is one of his favorite works, it may explain the ambivalence.
Was this from the same period as the works he's commented positively on? Put simply, every single one of my favorite artists has done work that I wouldn't want to hang in my house.
Like everyone else above said, you're going to bomb out on gifts. Everyone does, and I think that most of us who like to give very special gifts have given something we've been convinced was special and which just hasn't gone as well as we like. No gift giver bats 1000. Don't worry about it.
Second, wait until after the holiday, and if it's still bugging you, bring it up in a neutral way when there's a good segue into the topic. You can talk about these things so it doesn't become an elephant in the basement. "So, I thought I had a sure fire hit with the (artists name), and I've always wondered how I was off on that." But not today. Just let it go for today.
posted by eschatfische at 12:23 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Was this an original painting or was it a framed print? While I love prints of things that were meant to be prints or translate directly as prints (movie posters, illustrations, photos), I'm not a huge fan of framed commercial prints of gallery paintings, which often minimize the impact of the original work - sort of like giving someone a favorite movie on VHS. My impression is that this isn't an uncommon sentiment. If this is one of his favorite works, it may explain the ambivalence.
Was this from the same period as the works he's commented positively on? Put simply, every single one of my favorite artists has done work that I wouldn't want to hang in my house.
Like everyone else above said, you're going to bomb out on gifts. Everyone does, and I think that most of us who like to give very special gifts have given something we've been convinced was special and which just hasn't gone as well as we like. No gift giver bats 1000. Don't worry about it.
Second, wait until after the holiday, and if it's still bugging you, bring it up in a neutral way when there's a good segue into the topic. You can talk about these things so it doesn't become an elephant in the basement. "So, I thought I had a sure fire hit with the (artists name), and I've always wondered how I was off on that." But not today. Just let it go for today.
posted by eschatfische at 12:23 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
I want to echo others who have said that sometimes, the gifts you give are going to bomb sometimes over the years. I think part of the issue here is that you were so invested in the idea that you KNEW he would love it, and now, maybe you are feeling like your judgment of his likes and dislikes are off. But honestly, this is just not that big of a deal, and you need to do your best to enjoy the rest of the day.
posted by all about eevee at 12:27 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by all about eevee at 12:27 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Obviously, this represents more than just the gift. It looks like you put a lot of your self-identity in selecting this gift for him, and him not liking it completely shattered your self-image in some way. Like, it represented everything about how well you knew him, and how perfect your first Christmas as a married couple would be, and so on. And if he didn't like it, what else could you be wrong about?! You tried sooo hard!
My college psychology professor used to talk about "not putting all your cognitive eggs in one basket." You got really invested in this one. You're experiencing cognitive dissonance. Breathe. It's all right. You made some assumptions about his taste that didn't pan out. It's not the end of the world. In fact, you made a really good choice with the game! Play it together! That sounds like an awesome way to make good memories to wash out the bad ones.
And try to focus on the things that matter. You didn't need to get him the perfect present to show you love him; just show him that you love him. Tell him, smooch him, cook him a good meal. Watch something fun together, put on some music and dance in the kitchen. Next year you'll laugh over it, and the one after that, and by your silver wedding anniversary maybe you'll look at the painting and smile and join your wrinkly hands lovingly.
You could even embrace the awkwardness and come up with all sorts of nonstandard places to hang the painting; make a game out of it and hide it around the house. This week, you can hang it on the inside of the closet door; next week, he can hide it inside the kitchen cabinets. Suddenly, it's in the passenger seat of his car!
And, someday, you'll probably be even more glad he didn't lie. When you pretend you like things you don't, people give you more of them, but neither of you is truly happy. I hope he expressed that he fully appreciated your effort and love poured into it, at least, and if he did not, maybe try to express that you're missing that part without making him feel like he needs to express fake gratitude on eggshells. I bet his honest love of all the love you put into it will do a world of good to your feelings.
I don't wanna make you feel guilty, but since you asked for ways to snap out of it, I'm going to tell you about my Christmas. I'm writing this from work, I'm not seeing any family or friends, and I didn't actually get any presents this year. But my boyfriend (best, most loving and trusting relationship I've ever had; this is better than many Christmases with people who were actually there) is out of the country, and he woke me up this morning with a surprise transatlantic phone call and videochat; my coworker made pancakes; there is some awesome Christmas music on the radio. It's a pretty awesome Christmas, and the world is full of beautiful things! Enjoy your dinner, and enjoy your husband!
posted by spelunkingplato at 12:28 PM on December 25, 2014 [16 favorites]
My college psychology professor used to talk about "not putting all your cognitive eggs in one basket." You got really invested in this one. You're experiencing cognitive dissonance. Breathe. It's all right. You made some assumptions about his taste that didn't pan out. It's not the end of the world. In fact, you made a really good choice with the game! Play it together! That sounds like an awesome way to make good memories to wash out the bad ones.
And try to focus on the things that matter. You didn't need to get him the perfect present to show you love him; just show him that you love him. Tell him, smooch him, cook him a good meal. Watch something fun together, put on some music and dance in the kitchen. Next year you'll laugh over it, and the one after that, and by your silver wedding anniversary maybe you'll look at the painting and smile and join your wrinkly hands lovingly.
You could even embrace the awkwardness and come up with all sorts of nonstandard places to hang the painting; make a game out of it and hide it around the house. This week, you can hang it on the inside of the closet door; next week, he can hide it inside the kitchen cabinets. Suddenly, it's in the passenger seat of his car!
And, someday, you'll probably be even more glad he didn't lie. When you pretend you like things you don't, people give you more of them, but neither of you is truly happy. I hope he expressed that he fully appreciated your effort and love poured into it, at least, and if he did not, maybe try to express that you're missing that part without making him feel like he needs to express fake gratitude on eggshells. I bet his honest love of all the love you put into it will do a world of good to your feelings.
I don't wanna make you feel guilty, but since you asked for ways to snap out of it, I'm going to tell you about my Christmas. I'm writing this from work, I'm not seeing any family or friends, and I didn't actually get any presents this year. But my boyfriend (best, most loving and trusting relationship I've ever had; this is better than many Christmases with people who were actually there) is out of the country, and he woke me up this morning with a surprise transatlantic phone call and videochat; my coworker made pancakes; there is some awesome Christmas music on the radio. It's a pretty awesome Christmas, and the world is full of beautiful things! Enjoy your dinner, and enjoy your husband!
posted by spelunkingplato at 12:28 PM on December 25, 2014 [16 favorites]
Also, I will say this as someone who is REALLY difficult to buy things for. Is aesthetics/design/art his field or a very strong interest of his? I try not to show it when I get a gift that misses the mark, but I am so particular about aesthetics that I do get things that aren't my thing sometimes. I get gifts where someone will see I collect [x] thing and get me something similar - so trying and being super awesome in that sense - but the gift misses some essential quality of the thing I collect. I.e., a reproduction version of an antique, something much bigger or louder, etc. For this reason it's sometimes better not to get something along the lines of my interests - since I have developed such strong reasons I like one version and not others by studying over time, way more than could be gleaned from a glance. I wish I were easier and less of an ass but it's just my way, just like everyone has negative qualities. Some people find this quality more offensive than others depending on family culture - there may be more/less of a barrier to expressing disappointment.
posted by decathexis at 12:34 PM on December 25, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by decathexis at 12:34 PM on December 25, 2014 [16 favorites]
Maybe you have different gift giving cultures or expectations in your families of origin? That has created several serious disconnects around holidays and birthdays with me and my partners. The way he received your gift would have been a big no-no in my family; we respond to the effort and the sentiment that went into the gift. Other families give gifts knowing they'll be returned for whatever it is that the person really wanted. So, yeah, you said he was confused and his actions were really awkward but maybe you can figure out each other's habits around gifts and learn to accommodate them.
posted by BibiRose at 12:37 PM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 12:37 PM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: One year I gave the gift of a watch.
I spent weeks hunting for the perfect watch.
I found it.
It was expensive! It had the ideal balance between beauty and utility.
It was wrapped with care, and given with great expectation.
When it was opened, the first words said in response were "It doesn't have numbers."
It was not received with the expected level of joy.
I was sad about the response.
Then the recipient was sad about having made the response.
Then we realized that we felt bad only because we felt bad!
Some gifts hit the mark, and some miss. It's okay to forgive yourself for missing, and him for not being excited.
Now we laugh about it. A lot. Even though the watch isn't perfect.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 12:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [20 favorites]
I spent weeks hunting for the perfect watch.
I found it.
It was expensive! It had the ideal balance between beauty and utility.
It was wrapped with care, and given with great expectation.
When it was opened, the first words said in response were "It doesn't have numbers."
It was not received with the expected level of joy.
I was sad about the response.
Then the recipient was sad about having made the response.
Then we realized that we felt bad only because we felt bad!
Some gifts hit the mark, and some miss. It's okay to forgive yourself for missing, and him for not being excited.
Now we laugh about it. A lot. Even though the watch isn't perfect.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 12:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [20 favorites]
Eep, I probably should have said "golden wedding"--probably lots of people are not at all wrinkly by their silver weddings.
Also, I wanted to point something else out. Your title is "He doesn't like my Christmas," and although it sounds like you feel that way, it does not sound like it is true. He didn't like one physical thing out of many (physical and otherwise) that you got him. That's not the same thing. It doesn't mean the day is ruined. There are so many hours left to celebrate the good. Concentrate on the things you both like, and make the season bright, yeah?
posted by spelunkingplato at 12:41 PM on December 25, 2014 [9 favorites]
Also, I wanted to point something else out. Your title is "He doesn't like my Christmas," and although it sounds like you feel that way, it does not sound like it is true. He didn't like one physical thing out of many (physical and otherwise) that you got him. That's not the same thing. It doesn't mean the day is ruined. There are so many hours left to celebrate the good. Concentrate on the things you both like, and make the season bright, yeah?
posted by spelunkingplato at 12:41 PM on December 25, 2014 [9 favorites]
Why on earth would you hate yourself over this?
So you failed to get The Ultimate Present; failure is a fact of life, it happens to all of us. No one died, and he likes his other presents. He was even polite about it (yes, in my world, this counts as polite).
You made a mistake, but not an obvious one, not one that you should have been able to avoid. You went out on a limb and took a risk; that's commendable. The problem seems to be that you did not realise that it was a risk. But giftgiving always holds some risk, especially with something like art.
And he liked most of your gifts! You got it mostly right, and you're not even expected to, at this stage!
Keep in mind that some people respond to what things are, and others respond to what they mean. It sounds like you are the second type and he may be the first. He did not dislike you, your giftgiving, your Christmas; he just felt lukewarm about the actual object he saw before him. He can probably explain why, but maybe keep that for another day.
Do both of yourselves a favour: please let yourself off the hook. What you did was No Big Deal. What he did was No Big Deal, either. So if you can manage it, let him off the hook, too. And then go on to enjoy the rest of your Christmas, because damn, what a waste if you'd let it be spoiled by this.
I strongly disagree that wives may be picky about gifts but husbands may not. That is simply not how my normal, healthy world functions.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:51 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
So you failed to get The Ultimate Present; failure is a fact of life, it happens to all of us. No one died, and he likes his other presents. He was even polite about it (yes, in my world, this counts as polite).
You made a mistake, but not an obvious one, not one that you should have been able to avoid. You went out on a limb and took a risk; that's commendable. The problem seems to be that you did not realise that it was a risk. But giftgiving always holds some risk, especially with something like art.
And he liked most of your gifts! You got it mostly right, and you're not even expected to, at this stage!
Keep in mind that some people respond to what things are, and others respond to what they mean. It sounds like you are the second type and he may be the first. He did not dislike you, your giftgiving, your Christmas; he just felt lukewarm about the actual object he saw before him. He can probably explain why, but maybe keep that for another day.
Do both of yourselves a favour: please let yourself off the hook. What you did was No Big Deal. What he did was No Big Deal, either. So if you can manage it, let him off the hook, too. And then go on to enjoy the rest of your Christmas, because damn, what a waste if you'd let it be spoiled by this.
I strongly disagree that wives may be picky about gifts but husbands may not. That is simply not how my normal, healthy world functions.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:51 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I really vehemently disagree with those who are saying your husband should have lied to you about liking your gift. If that's the kind of relationship you want (where someone lies just to make the other person feel better), that's your prerogative, but I personally would hate to have a marriage like that. I've been married for 20 years and both of us have given and received duds during Christmas and birthdays. Y'know what? I don't love him any less for giving me things I wasn't thrilled about! I really don't! What I would be very angry about would be him lying to me just to keep the peace. That is not the partnership I want.
And it is totally, completely fine for him to have had the reaction he had and for you to have had the reaction you had. Now you know more about him and you know more about yourself. I would suggest doing something that makes you happy: go for a walk, meditate, listen to your favorite happy song on repeat a dozen times, etc. Give your husband a smooch, open that board game, have a great dinner, and just enjoy each other.
It's okay, it really is. Give yourself a break and move on. Merry Christmas!
posted by cooker girl at 12:53 PM on December 25, 2014 [13 favorites]
And it is totally, completely fine for him to have had the reaction he had and for you to have had the reaction you had. Now you know more about him and you know more about yourself. I would suggest doing something that makes you happy: go for a walk, meditate, listen to your favorite happy song on repeat a dozen times, etc. Give your husband a smooch, open that board game, have a great dinner, and just enjoy each other.
It's okay, it really is. Give yourself a break and move on. Merry Christmas!
posted by cooker girl at 12:53 PM on December 25, 2014 [13 favorites]
That's a legitimately disappointing experience! I'm sorry. I'm glad he didn't lie to you, but I do think he could have been more gentle in delivering the message.
For moving forward, my suggestion is one that definitely won't work for everyone, but if it does work for you, it's good magic: can you gently poke fun of yourself about it and kind of make it a joke? I do this with my bestie *all the time* around the things we fight about, or the things that one or the other of us is struggling with, and it's a way of acknowledging and owning the reality of our feelings while also understanding that we might not always be fully rational or easy to deal with.
Hang in there -- firsts are so loaded!
posted by spindrifter at 1:04 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
For moving forward, my suggestion is one that definitely won't work for everyone, but if it does work for you, it's good magic: can you gently poke fun of yourself about it and kind of make it a joke? I do this with my bestie *all the time* around the things we fight about, or the things that one or the other of us is struggling with, and it's a way of acknowledging and owning the reality of our feelings while also understanding that we might not always be fully rational or easy to deal with.
Hang in there -- firsts are so loaded!
posted by spindrifter at 1:04 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, this is so disappointing. But it belongs to the things that can't be undone. A little zen is in order, and if it doesn't work right away, that's okay too, you know.
But you have a wonderful husband, who is really thinking about you now, right? He's genuinely taking care of you while you're having a hard time with it. That's huge. He's genuine (lying wouldn't have been genuine). He's someone you can trust.
posted by Namlit at 1:10 PM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
But you have a wonderful husband, who is really thinking about you now, right? He's genuinely taking care of you while you're having a hard time with it. That's huge. He's genuine (lying wouldn't have been genuine). He's someone you can trust.
posted by Namlit at 1:10 PM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
Some things you can do to cheer up today:
1. play the board game
2. make fun of the painting
3. watch some Christmas specials
4. make the hell out of that dinner
Whatever you do, don't get rid of the painting. It's your First Christmas Ruiner! Mock it as such, and use it as a talisman against future ruined Christmases. ("That sweater is totally the wrong color, but at least it's not a (x) painting! Hoo-boy!) Someday, you will pass it on to your eldest child. It will be cherished through the generations as the Christmas Fail Painting.
(At least, that's what would happen in my house.)
Chin up, and Merry Christmas!
posted by Koko at 1:21 PM on December 25, 2014 [9 favorites]
1. play the board game
2. make fun of the painting
3. watch some Christmas specials
4. make the hell out of that dinner
Whatever you do, don't get rid of the painting. It's your First Christmas Ruiner! Mock it as such, and use it as a talisman against future ruined Christmases. ("That sweater is totally the wrong color, but at least it's not a (x) painting! Hoo-boy!) Someday, you will pass it on to your eldest child. It will be cherished through the generations as the Christmas Fail Painting.
(At least, that's what would happen in my house.)
Chin up, and Merry Christmas!
posted by Koko at 1:21 PM on December 25, 2014 [9 favorites]
Five years from now, this is going to be a funny, cutesy story you guys tell. His awkward reaction will become funny and so will your misreading of his tastes -- but that takes time. It's a good thing to have those stories in a relationship; you both learn from it and that in itself becomes part of how you bond.
For today I'd suggest doing the best you can to set the moment aside and enjoy the rest of the holiday.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:29 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
For today I'd suggest doing the best you can to set the moment aside and enjoy the rest of the holiday.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:29 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Part of this is just your standard reaction to when a gift falls flat and the rest, I'm going to get a little armchair about: This is your husband and you've been dating for less than a year so I wouldn't be surprised if some part of you had a small chip on your shoulder, without realizing it, about how long you've been together.
I don’t know if anyone in your life has been sufficiently tactless as to give you any amount of shit about how you went from zero to married in less than a year's time, but we live in a judgey world, so I wouldn't be terribly surprised. I get the sense that part of you is eager to prove that you and your husband totally know each other very well, so maybe you're ascribing more weight to interactions like this when they crop up.
I want to be clear that I'm not saying "You secretly know you moved too fast," because I don't believe you moved too fast. I'm saying that, below the surface, any less than perfect experience as a couple - especially one where you didn't quite perfectly manage to predict how he was going to react to a thing - is likely to stick in your craw a bit more than it might in, say, a couple years from now.
You feel bad that he wasn't as into your gift as you thought he'd be; he feels bad that he didn't react as graciously as would have been ideal. It's Christmas, so think of this as being on some Gift of the Magi shit, laugh it off together, and go make out with him. The two of you got each other for Christmas. The rest is frosting.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:30 PM on December 25, 2014 [13 favorites]
I don’t know if anyone in your life has been sufficiently tactless as to give you any amount of shit about how you went from zero to married in less than a year's time, but we live in a judgey world, so I wouldn't be terribly surprised. I get the sense that part of you is eager to prove that you and your husband totally know each other very well, so maybe you're ascribing more weight to interactions like this when they crop up.
I want to be clear that I'm not saying "You secretly know you moved too fast," because I don't believe you moved too fast. I'm saying that, below the surface, any less than perfect experience as a couple - especially one where you didn't quite perfectly manage to predict how he was going to react to a thing - is likely to stick in your craw a bit more than it might in, say, a couple years from now.
You feel bad that he wasn't as into your gift as you thought he'd be; he feels bad that he didn't react as graciously as would have been ideal. It's Christmas, so think of this as being on some Gift of the Magi shit, laugh it off together, and go make out with him. The two of you got each other for Christmas. The rest is frosting.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:30 PM on December 25, 2014 [13 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you had a lot of expectations for your gift. "He will be so surprised at how clever I was to find this!" "Man, now he'll know how much I love him and cherish him!" etc.
Try to let go of those expectations now and focus on the incredible scene you have before you: a loving husband. A warm home. A filling and delicious dinner to cook and share with one another. A marriage to a man you love.
I don't mean to diminish how bad it feels to not hit a home run on a gift. That can be crummy. My mom made me something that was so perfect we both cried when I received it this year. But it could have been a dud. And it still would have been a blast for her to make it and toil over it and think about how much I would love it. I am sure you had great feelings about the gift before his lackluster response. Try to hold on to those things as you move forward.
Sometimes people don't love our gifts but they still love us. He loves you and you love him. What an amazing gift that is. Hold tight to one another and chalk it up to a small blip in your loving marriage. There will be more blips to come but they will mean nothing when stacked up next to your love for one another.
Have a merry Christmas, fellow mefite.
posted by sockermom at 1:35 PM on December 25, 2014 [7 favorites]
Try to let go of those expectations now and focus on the incredible scene you have before you: a loving husband. A warm home. A filling and delicious dinner to cook and share with one another. A marriage to a man you love.
I don't mean to diminish how bad it feels to not hit a home run on a gift. That can be crummy. My mom made me something that was so perfect we both cried when I received it this year. But it could have been a dud. And it still would have been a blast for her to make it and toil over it and think about how much I would love it. I am sure you had great feelings about the gift before his lackluster response. Try to hold on to those things as you move forward.
Sometimes people don't love our gifts but they still love us. He loves you and you love him. What an amazing gift that is. Hold tight to one another and chalk it up to a small blip in your loving marriage. There will be more blips to come but they will mean nothing when stacked up next to your love for one another.
Have a merry Christmas, fellow mefite.
posted by sockermom at 1:35 PM on December 25, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Any mantras or thoughts to help me get through?
You'll figure this out for yourself when it happens for the first time, but Perfect Gifts are pretty much always accidental, almost never made*. It's the impulse-buy stocking stuffer that turns out to be a daily-use item, or the hat that makes them realize how much they like hats, or something you buy thinking it will be instantly sentimental and it's not and you're sad...until 10 years later you realize it has become so.
You feel bad because you tried too hard. It's a natural awful feeling, but if you were trying to make your giving of this gift indicative of the state or nature of your relationship, it can't be that, and neither can his reaction. It's just a gift. There will be many others.
It took my husband several really thoughtful, effort-involved attempts at movie posters and clever geek art before he figured out that there's no situation in which I will ever want a human-like face on a wall looking at me. It gives me pure gut-level horrors, and he didn't know, and I didn't even know how to articulate it, that's how much it squicks me. It's really nobody's fault, and it also doesn't mean our marriage is doomed. Of course I love it when I score a hit, and so does he, and we have both done so on occasion, and we will again in the future. You guys will too.
*Sometimes you can do it if the other person states a clear desire for the thing/experience but thinks it is utterly impossible and then you make it happen. You'll get a couple of those in a lifetime.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:53 PM on December 25, 2014 [7 favorites]
You'll figure this out for yourself when it happens for the first time, but Perfect Gifts are pretty much always accidental, almost never made*. It's the impulse-buy stocking stuffer that turns out to be a daily-use item, or the hat that makes them realize how much they like hats, or something you buy thinking it will be instantly sentimental and it's not and you're sad...until 10 years later you realize it has become so.
You feel bad because you tried too hard. It's a natural awful feeling, but if you were trying to make your giving of this gift indicative of the state or nature of your relationship, it can't be that, and neither can his reaction. It's just a gift. There will be many others.
It took my husband several really thoughtful, effort-involved attempts at movie posters and clever geek art before he figured out that there's no situation in which I will ever want a human-like face on a wall looking at me. It gives me pure gut-level horrors, and he didn't know, and I didn't even know how to articulate it, that's how much it squicks me. It's really nobody's fault, and it also doesn't mean our marriage is doomed. Of course I love it when I score a hit, and so does he, and we have both done so on occasion, and we will again in the future. You guys will too.
*Sometimes you can do it if the other person states a clear desire for the thing/experience but thinks it is utterly impossible and then you make it happen. You'll get a couple of those in a lifetime.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:53 PM on December 25, 2014 [7 favorites]
I can't believe you're wasting even one second of this holiday feeling bad. You have a husband, it sounds like you guys love each other, you're spending the day together, and you have a wonderful dinner to look forward to. This is way more than many people have. Go enjoy yourself and forget about the painting.
posted by sunflower16 at 1:57 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by sunflower16 at 1:57 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
If it makes you feel any better, my husband and I have been married a long time, and this year he got me a gift he'd been planning for years (literally, years!) And he was so excited. And... it wasn't anything I would have wanted. (I imagine my reaction wasn't anything like what he'd hoped, although I tried to be enthusiastic.) My point is - these things happen, they happen even in successful, communicative, kind and loving marriages. Gifts are tricky. It's ok. Laugh it off, go love your man and have fun today.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:58 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:58 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: You guys are the best, thank you so much for all the perspective! (Not the 'what's wrong with you, there's a roof over your head' perspectives - do you show up in parenting questions and tell people they should STFU because some people can't have babies? Jeez. Believe me, I'm grateful every day.) The time perspective and the emotional investment perspective are so helpful.
I'm cooking, we're goofing around, it's joyous, and I love metafilter with all my heart. You guys help me every day and I love being part of this site.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 2:06 PM on December 25, 2014 [32 favorites]
I'm cooking, we're goofing around, it's joyous, and I love metafilter with all my heart. You guys help me every day and I love being part of this site.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 2:06 PM on December 25, 2014 [32 favorites]
I am currently wearing the watch that my friend's fiancée bought for her 3 years ago, sure she'd loved it, and we'll, she didn't. Eventually they gave it to me and we all had a good laugh about it (I love it!) and next year I'll be attending their wedding.
I once bought a boyfriend a watch I was sure he'd love - he loves g-shock watches, he'd been looking for a white watch, and I took a sneaky photo of the watch he didn't wear to work and figured that he likes digital ones, and ones with a big face. Best girlfriend ever, right? When I gave it to him, he told me that the reason he'd never bought the white watch he'd been looking at was because he'd realized it was just too fresh for him, and that he always left the other watch next to the bed because he didn't like it's big face. Oh and he wanted an analog watch. I've gotta say, it stung, because like you I was invested in how it was all going to play out and him feeling like I really "got" him. Which you cannot tell from a present.
On the flip side, a guy friend of mine, who I used to talk to a lot online but had only hung out with a few times, bought me perfume for my 21st. It was one if never tried before and he NAILED it, and it became my scent for years. What it really meant was that we have similar taste in smells. My mum knows me really well but we have different tastes and she rarely hits the mark because of that.
When you have different tastes, it's hard to get something the other person will like, because it often means buying something you don't like, which would be weird.
You guys are fine.
posted by Chrysalis at 2:17 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
I once bought a boyfriend a watch I was sure he'd love - he loves g-shock watches, he'd been looking for a white watch, and I took a sneaky photo of the watch he didn't wear to work and figured that he likes digital ones, and ones with a big face. Best girlfriend ever, right? When I gave it to him, he told me that the reason he'd never bought the white watch he'd been looking at was because he'd realized it was just too fresh for him, and that he always left the other watch next to the bed because he didn't like it's big face. Oh and he wanted an analog watch. I've gotta say, it stung, because like you I was invested in how it was all going to play out and him feeling like I really "got" him. Which you cannot tell from a present.
On the flip side, a guy friend of mine, who I used to talk to a lot online but had only hung out with a few times, bought me perfume for my 21st. It was one if never tried before and he NAILED it, and it became my scent for years. What it really meant was that we have similar taste in smells. My mum knows me really well but we have different tastes and she rarely hits the mark because of that.
When you have different tastes, it's hard to get something the other person will like, because it often means buying something you don't like, which would be weird.
You guys are fine.
posted by Chrysalis at 2:17 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you got another gift-- a bump to practice getting over where you each know the other one had no bad intentions and that all you want is for the other to be happy!
posted by BibiRose at 2:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 2:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Is it possible that when he told you this was his favourite artist he was exaggerating a little? Perhaps to impress you with his taste in art and knowledge? And then at Christmas he first didn't recognize the style and then couldn't remember that this was supposed to be his favourite artist?
It'a a really awkward rom com scenario!
posted by Omnomnom at 3:02 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
It'a a really awkward rom com scenario!
posted by Omnomnom at 3:02 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
This has happened to us and we've been together 10 years. It has been both sides of the coin - he *knew* I'd be delighted with something that I found a bit weird, and I was ready to get out the ticker tape parade for myself for something I bought for him that he didn't like at all - in the same year. It just takes a while to navigate these things. Good job on the board game :) :)
posted by getawaysticks at 4:00 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by getawaysticks at 4:00 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have no doubt that painting is a treasure, and you've made it more valuable by proving how much care went into it. Sure, today's been slightly awkward, but your husband now has a fresh opportunity to appreciate everything about it as a whole--not just as an art object. And I wonder if you guys are not so financially stable that you both already get yourselves the things you really extra superduper want for yourselves. If so, you really can blame larger forces for making this seem like something you had to get exactly right. The truth is you did get the important part exactly right, and your husband didn't need to lie. In time, I suspect he'll open every gift knowing that what he's about to receive is an amazing image of you thinking about him, combing over your options, imagining him, and hoping the best for him, and when he does, every Christmas will be awesome.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:04 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:04 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
When I react this strongly to things it's a pretty reliable indicator that I'm about to get my period in the next few days and my hormones are just temporarily out of whack (I suffer from pretty severe PMDD). If the timing fits, consider that your intense emotional reaction might just be hormonal and see how you feel in a week or two.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:39 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 6:39 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you really gave him an original painting by a known artist, then his reaction was insensitive and foolish. Insensitive for not appreciating the effort and expense you went to, and foolish for not realising that paintings can be sold.
If, on the other hand, you gave him a poster print, then he should still have reacted with more grace, but it's probably not worth brooding over. If you're wondering why he didn't like it, then I'm guessing that either you misremembered who his favourite artist is, or he doesn't actually like art that much and just names Picasso (or whoever) as his favourite when asked so as not to seem ignorant.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 3:41 AM on December 26, 2014
If, on the other hand, you gave him a poster print, then he should still have reacted with more grace, but it's probably not worth brooding over. If you're wondering why he didn't like it, then I'm guessing that either you misremembered who his favourite artist is, or he doesn't actually like art that much and just names Picasso (or whoever) as his favourite when asked so as not to seem ignorant.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 3:41 AM on December 26, 2014
Boy, buying art for someone is a tricky endeavor. I've failed miserably at that, too. The only way to pull that off is to be sneaky, like attend openings together or poster shops or wherever, and furiously take mental notes about which specific piece your spouse likes, then sneak back later for that specific piece. My wife lingered & lingered in front of a particular photo at a show, despite me being sure she'd like that one over there. She wanted to buy it on the spot, & I poor-mouthed to get her out of there & palmed a copy of the program on the way out the door.
Forgive him his tastes this time & make sure you're buying the exact piece that speaks to him if you try to surprise with art in the future.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:18 AM on December 26, 2014
Forgive him his tastes this time & make sure you're buying the exact piece that speaks to him if you try to surprise with art in the future.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:18 AM on December 26, 2014
I don't think it's "lying" about liking a gift to learn/know how to receive all presents gracefully and with a spirit of gratitude. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned to my partner that when he opens a gift he always say "Oh socks, thank you!" (for example) "They would be perfect if they had X" X being a small change to the gift. I know and love him and this stuff doesn't hurt my feelings, but I explained that it would hurt my mom's feelings. It's OK to just stop at "Oh socks! Thank you!"
That being said, I think even with best intentions we've all reacted with less grace than necessary to some gifts.
You asked "how to feel better." For me: I like to take a little time away for myself, lying in bed or flipping through a book I like to sort out my feelings. Usually, my partner and I come back together then and have a very brief discussion (like 5 minutes) describing how we feel. And then we agree to let it go and move on. And you have to follow the agreement. When it's hard for me to let it go, I actually picture releasing a bird in my head and watching it fly away.
posted by CMcG at 7:02 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
That being said, I think even with best intentions we've all reacted with less grace than necessary to some gifts.
You asked "how to feel better." For me: I like to take a little time away for myself, lying in bed or flipping through a book I like to sort out my feelings. Usually, my partner and I come back together then and have a very brief discussion (like 5 minutes) describing how we feel. And then we agree to let it go and move on. And you have to follow the agreement. When it's hard for me to let it go, I actually picture releasing a bird in my head and watching it fly away.
posted by CMcG at 7:02 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I feel your pain. I had a painting done of a photograph -- my husband's very favorite photograph which he took of our beloved dogs -- and was SO SURE it would be the gift of the century. He had an identical reaction to your husband. I did not handle it well. I tried to convince him why he should love it, and why he was a monster for not loving it. We talked about it A LOT. In a flagrant act of "fuck you, dear husband", I hung it prominently in our bedroom for a while. Then the flames died down, I took the painting to my place of work, where it hangs proudly to this day. People compliment it, and I no longer see it as "the painting that nearly destroyed my marriage".
This all happened about 5 years ago, 5 years into our marriage. So I can tell you, it sucks, and you might always be a little sort of pissed off about his reception and disappointed in the whole thing, but it will be ok. He will likely give you absurd gifts that he puts a ton of thought into, and hopefully you will handle it a little better than he did... Maybe someday you can laugh about it. I still don't exactly laugh about my dog painting, but I gave up on trying to force the situation, and I go into gift giving with a little more balance.
Don't let this ruin your holiday. You were incredibly thoughtful, and the truth is, he was a stinker and sounds very sorry. At least you know this: your husband wears his heart on his sleeve and is likely a lousy liar. These are trait far superior to one who can pretend to love something. People like that are suspect. And yes, in a perfect world, he would have loved it just as much as you'd hoped. But this isn't a perfect world. It's a world where stinker husbands appreciate board games and not custom chosen super thoughtful artwork.
Hang in there, newlywed.
posted by hippychick at 2:37 PM on December 26, 2014 [2 favorites]
This all happened about 5 years ago, 5 years into our marriage. So I can tell you, it sucks, and you might always be a little sort of pissed off about his reception and disappointed in the whole thing, but it will be ok. He will likely give you absurd gifts that he puts a ton of thought into, and hopefully you will handle it a little better than he did... Maybe someday you can laugh about it. I still don't exactly laugh about my dog painting, but I gave up on trying to force the situation, and I go into gift giving with a little more balance.
Don't let this ruin your holiday. You were incredibly thoughtful, and the truth is, he was a stinker and sounds very sorry. At least you know this: your husband wears his heart on his sleeve and is likely a lousy liar. These are trait far superior to one who can pretend to love something. People like that are suspect. And yes, in a perfect world, he would have loved it just as much as you'd hoped. But this isn't a perfect world. It's a world where stinker husbands appreciate board games and not custom chosen super thoughtful artwork.
Hang in there, newlywed.
posted by hippychick at 2:37 PM on December 26, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Ok, you guys. Here's the kicker. After a mere day and a half of letting it grow on him, he has now declared his love for it. At least I know he's not lying!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:06 PM on December 26, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:06 PM on December 26, 2014 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Anyway, it's probably worth thinking about what this gift represented to you, because it's pretty clear your care about this way more than he does.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:53 AM on December 25, 2014 [35 favorites]