How have you become OK with not being okay with some people?

December 22, 2014 3:32 AM

I feel very unsettled when I have unresolved conflict with people, or if people don't like me (even if I don't particularly like them). Were you once like me and managed to cope better? How?

Right now I feel yuck about the fact that things between my ex (see previous questions) and I aren't "cool" because we both feel angry and hurt by how things went down. I also feel yuck about some mutual dislike between some of our former mutual friends. I always just want everyone to get along and for everyone to like me and sometimes try to make myself okay with things or have compassion for people who show me none to try to protect my idea the world really COULD be one big peaceful place. I don't feel comfortable thinking of people as really just being jerks, and then I sometimes worry that I'm the jerk. I'm afraid of realising that what if maybe it was ME who was being a jerk? I realise this is black and white thinking and not a good pattern, and one that up til now has led to me letting some people into my life who were not healthy for me, or letting them stay too long, because I felt they were a good person deep down. I also know that I pride myself on my ability to get along with all kinds of people and be a bit of a peacemaker, and like to think of myself as a caring person, and I am, but even though I try my best not to, I do hurt people sometimes. I don't want to need other people to think I'm a nice person for me to feel like I did ok, or am ok. Even some dumb part of posting this is hoping that you guys will all tell me that I seem like a good person and don't need to feel guilty about my break up. Not healthy, I know.

I'd like to hear from people who used to struggle with these situations, what they do/have done, in therapy or on their own, or what they tell themselves when these situations arise, and be cool with the fact that not everyone is going to be cool with each other, and that that's ok.

posted by Chrysalis to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Answering a question a few years ago, someone posted about the fundamental attribution error and actor-observer bias. Basically, we tend to make errors in explaining behavior. Looking at ourselves, we're likely to overemphasize a situation ("I failed that test because the teacher hates me") than we are our internal characteristics ("I failed because I didn't study hard enough.") We do the inverse with others: overemphasize internal characteristics ("she didn't apologize after brusquely bumping into me because she's a selfish jerk") over the situation ("she was brusque because she was summoned to urgently operate on an ER patient.")

Of course sometimes people are just jerks. But keeping the above in mind helps me release some mental detritus.
posted by JackBurden at 5:09 AM on December 22, 2014 [5 favorites]

I have experienced this same exact problem as you and have finally overcome it so I hope that I can help you somewhat because I know how burdensome it is to feel this way. My way of thinking might appear "cruel" in a way, though.

I have adopted a type of nihilistic way of thinking. There are over 7 billion people in the world and so those few people who dislike you are pretty much insignificant. I believe that they are generally worthy human beings, but to me, personally, they are worthless. If people dislike me, chances are I don't particularly like them either. I figured that if somebody isn't a part of my life, I should pay no attention to them. Why would you care about what someone you don't like thinks about you? In the end, what they think about me will have no impact on my life and is not going to matter ten years or even one year from now.

But I think the most important thing is to have confidence in yourself. If you really believe that you are a kind, nice person, then it doesn't matter what other people think. As long as YOU are confident in that belief, nobody can take that away from you.

Also, I think it is good that you think people are all good deep down. But this is something else I have learned that's made my life infinitely better: you don't owe people chances. You don't owe people anything. You can very well believe that somebody is good and that they deserve love and friendship, but that does mean you are obligated to give that to them. You can still continue believing that nobody in the world is actually a jerk, but that does not mean that you have to deal with them. Remember, there are 7 billion people in the world! You can't give everybody you meet a chance. There's nothing wrong with being selective of who you let into your life. That doesn't mean you don't think they are worthy, nice, human beings; they are just not right for you.
posted by NowYouKnow at 6:10 AM on December 22, 2014 [7 favorites]

Maybe you think you have more control over people and outcomes than you really do. When you bring two people together, the outcome of their interaction will be limited by the personalities of those involved (ie what each person brings to the table), and timing.

So you can say to yourself: if only I was more X and he was more Y then we'd get along. That may be true, but that's the equivalent of saying "if only we were different people" which just won't happen.

Finally you could try some radical honesty: I really wish we could get along, but we just aren't able to right now, and I'm sad about that.

But really, you just don't have the control you think you do. Make peace with that and maybe this all will be easier on your heart.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:11 AM on December 22, 2014 [12 favorites]

You can't make others find peace.
Your concern should NOT be how they feel and how they think.
Your concern should be about yourself.

Resolve in your mind: Given the opportunity, I will work it out with these people.
I want to make peace, and I will do so if I have a chance.

Once you have find that peace and solace in your own mind - you can not force it upon them, but you can be ready to talk, listen, and accept them. It takes two to tango - you can't mend the fence on your own. All you can do is be prepared to help mend it, if the chance ever arises.
posted by Flood at 6:16 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]

I still struggle with this, but one thing I've learned to do is laugh while saying, "X person just HATES me!" as if it's a ridiculous thing I can't control. Because you know what? I can't control it.

In the inimitable words of RuPaul, "Other people's opinions of me are none of my damned business."
posted by xingcat at 6:35 AM on December 22, 2014 [18 favorites]

Time often seems to be our enemy, but it is also our friend. Other people's feelings do change, often quickly.
posted by amtho at 6:46 AM on December 22, 2014

There used to be a show called The White Shadow in the seventies. I loved it. The principal was explaining to a kid who was having a rough time at school the following:

Of all the people you know, on quarter of them will dislike you for no good reason, one quarter will dislike you for good reason, one quarter will like you for no good reason, and one quarter will like you for good reasons. Only the last ones are worth worrying about.

Thank goodness I heard that message when I was in my teens, it saved me a shit-ton of hand wringing. Sure, we'd all LOVE to be loved by everyone. I have a friend who is universally adored. I don't have the energy or the forgiveness to pull that off. I mean, it's exhausting!

You work on it by acting as if. Act as if it doesn't bug you. Spend more time with your real and true friends. Soon your life will be so stress-free because you're not all twisted up in knots worrying about stuff you have no control over.

Sometimes you are the asshole. Own that. "Jeez, I was completely turned around on that. My bad." Certainly if you've done someone wrong, apologize sincerely. No one should aim to be an asshole. But sometimes something you do upsets someone else. If you meant no malice and if they're just butt-hurt for no reason, that's on them.

Stop thinking that everything revolves around you, trust me, people aren't thinking that hard about it.

It takes time to get over this attitude, but trust me, once you do all of your relationships will improve, because you will be authentic and yourself, and not a people-pleasing, anxious person trying to be all things to all people.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:53 AM on December 22, 2014 [21 favorites]

Winning over an adversary, with unexpected kindness, help, or support, leads to the best friendships.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:56 AM on December 22, 2014

I also know that I pride myself on my ability to get along with all kinds of people and be a bit of a peacemaker

I felt like that, until I decided that it was caused more by my instinctive fear of other people's anger. When I was a kid I never really learned any productive way to deal with other angry people, but it made me all full of adrenaline and on edge and oh goodness make it go away arghggh!

So for me, the older I've got the more I've become able to see people and their emotions as a separate thing from me; those emotions just are, I didn't necessarily cause them and I don't have to have big emotions in response. People who are angry can be responsible for calming themselves.

Now I find it much easier to stand up for myself. I am who I am, I have boundaries in reasonable places, and if someone hurts themselves while trying to break into my garden, well I'm sure they have sticking plaster in their house.

NB. This kind of argument gets misused plenty by people who are like "I have every right to make stupid racist comments and if you're angry about it that's your problem" but I'm assuming here that you are not in fact a colossal asshole.
posted by emilyw at 7:18 AM on December 22, 2014 [11 favorites]

I'm afraid of realising that what if maybe it was ME who was being a jerk?

The more afraid you are of this, the more people will be able to use it as a handle to manipulate you. Imagine being a parent and your 6-year-old child says, "if you don't let me stay up until 2 am watching horror movies and drinking soda, you're a jerk." You wouldn't fall for that, right? You know what the child is asking for is not actually in their best interests, and a good parent enforces reasonable rules.

This framework is helpful for me when adults ask me to do things that aren't in anyone's best interest, and then imply that I'm a jerk if I say no. Even if you want to view yourself as responsible for other adults' wellbeing in the sense of the world being one big peaceful place where people take care of each other, how much more responsible can you get for another person than a parent's responsibility for a child?

For example, picture the adult who says "we've known each other for a week now, can I please live with you?" as if they were a child saying "mommy and daddy make me go to bed at 8 o'clock, can I please live with you instead, Auntie Chrysalis?"
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 7:51 AM on December 22, 2014 [5 favorites]

I sometimes tend to get bummed out if I am not on good terms with someone or things are awkward between us. It sometimes dominates my thinking while it's happening. I just remember that I can't control other people's reactions to me. All I can do is be kind, patient, and competent. If that's not good enough for them and they still dislike me, I can relax knowing I have done my best to be good to them. I also remember that some people just don't get along, for whatever reason, and occasionally I am going to run into people who are put off by my personality and vice versa. It doesn't mean either person is bad, they just aren't a good fit.

Stop thinking that everything revolves around you, trust me, people aren't thinking that hard about it.

Great comment by RB. This is something I remind myself of time and again until I am over it. Worried about something I said in a meeting being taken the wrong way? I just remember that other people have big, complicated lives too, and they're way more worried about what's going on in their life than their interactions with me. Since I have started consciously thinking this way, I'm a lot less anxious.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:12 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]

I also know that I pride myself on my ability to get along with all kinds of people and be a bit of a peacemaker

You're just patting yourself on the back for being inoffensive and easily manipulated. This just means you won't stand up for things that are wrong. It also means you think you can control people, which is a) not okay to do even if you could b) not possible c) the kind of thinking that people use to make their lives a million times harder than necessary.

Being liked isn't indicative of your value as a person. Being liked by excellent people is a good sign about your general character, just as being liked by garbage humans isn't.

Living as a doormat doesn't automatically get you into heaven. Make more of an effort to be disliked by crappy people. And this thing that RB posted is just about my favorite thing ever right now:

Of all the people you know, on quarter of them will dislike you for no good reason, one quarter will dislike you for good reason, one quarter will like you for no good reason, and one quarter will like you for good reasons. Only the last ones are worth worrying about.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:12 AM on December 22, 2014 [7 favorites]

Sometimes you can win over someone who doesn't like you Just Because. See The Ben Franklin Effect. Keep in mind that Ben Franklin was a smooth operator who most likely used this tactic to win him POLITICAL allies, not friends or intimates.

On the whole, though, as many have already said, sometimes you just have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Some people are really better left alone. If you feel you've done someone a wrong, run it by a friend first if you're not sure, then keep your apology quick and simple ("Sorry about x comment, I was having a bad day.")

And you are not responsible for anyone else's comfort, especially if they've done you a wrong and haven't bothered to try to make an amend. I can't tell you how often I've fallen into that tar pit myself. Silence and resolve can really be your friends here.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:24 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

I have this problem, and every time I think I figured out where it came from and how to solve it, I've found a new layer to work on, so ... it's people-pleasing all the way down.

But a good place to start is to think of all those people, actively asserting what they want, and then think about yourself and the ~6 square feet of space and personal bubble you occupy. Picture yourself occupying that area. You take up space on this earth, just like other people, and just like them, you have a right to your wants, feelings, etc.

For me this is helpful, because I tend to try to mold myself to accommodate what others want. I try not to take up space and not be in people's way. If I imagine myself seen from above, taking up space - the inevitability of that - then I next realize that I have to also be honest about having feelings and needs. In fact, those feelings, etc., are part of what is supposed to fill up that space. Filling that space with myself, a unique and alive person, is actually far less annoying than filling it with an obsequious, self-abnegating chameleon or martyr who does nothing but try to get out of others' way. (Not saying that's what you are. It's my straw man for what I don't want to be.) I think about the people I like, and how cool it is that they are the weird and unique people that they are, and then I try to be that fully myself also.

Hmm, on rereading, you're particularly talking about how to let go of conflicts. I'll think more about that.
posted by salvia at 9:55 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't agree at all with someone's post above that "getting along with all kinds of people" and "being a peacemaker" is the same thing as "being inoffensive and easily manipulated." Those qualities may not be mutually exclusive, but they sure aren't identical. You can be kind and caring, and not be a doormat. I know and respect many folks who are kind yet assertive. It's about having boundaries and expressing them clearly and civilly.

You wanted strangers on the Internet to tell you, "I seem like a good person and don't need to feel guilty about my break up." Hey Chrysalis, you seem like a good person and don't need to feel guilty about your breakup. I don't know you, but stop flagellating yourself because someone else has a negative emotion about a change you needed to make in your life.

You are responsible for your own actions, not other people's, and you are responsible for your own happiness, not other people's. Not everyone needs to hear this advice -- some people need to be told to think MORE of other people -- but *you* need to take this to heart. That's the thing about living in this wide world full of people! Everyone has to navigate that people are different and have different needs and, especially in the realm of romantic relationships, may not always be compatible with one another! It's crazy, right? That's why there are so many AskMe questions!

If you want this expressed in a more beautiful way, I suggest committing Mary Oliver's The Journey and Wild Geese to heart.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 11:57 AM on December 22, 2014 [7 favorites]