I don't know how to handle this
December 18, 2014 7:24 PM Subscribe
I just found out my 12 year old son was sexually molested 8 years ago, and has now molested his 4 year old cousin. I am not dealing well with this knowledge. Help me figure out how to cope.
Apologies if this gets long, I want to include as much info as I can since I'm going anonymous on this one.
My parents have full custody of my 12 year old son and my 9 year old daughter, due to my precarious health. Their father is for all intents and purposes not in the picture. (He has called twice in the last two years, and written two letters in the same time period.) The kids have been in therapy for some time now for anger and abandonment issues. Generally speaking, Son is mature, generous, helpful, caring, and intelligent. Daughter is sweet, caring, generous to a fault, fairly naive due to developmental disabilities, but also intelligent. Son wants absolutely nothing to do with his father, while Daughter still hopes my ex and I will get back together, even though we've been separated for most of her life.
About a month and a half ago, my 4 year old nephew made the accusation that Son had molested him. The allegation has been consistent and credible. Nobody has any doubts at all that this occurred. Child Protective Services has been involved, and contact between my kids and my nieces and nephews has been severely limited. There used to be family gatherings 2-3 times per week; now there are none.
After this accusation came out, Son revealed in therapy that he had been molested several times by his step-brother, many years ago, when his father and I were sharing custody after separating. Son also stated that his father knew about it, as he'd walked in on the situation multiple times, then turned and walked out. These are also consistent and credible allegations. Nobody has any doubts at all that this occurred, either. Child Protective Services in the state my ex lives in has been involved.
All of this information was dumped on me in a 40 minute phone call today from my father. My physical and mental health both suck, but I am currently more stable on both fronts than I was when this was all coming to light. (I have bipolar disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and OCD, and multiple chronic pain conditions that are aggravated by anxiety and stress.) I completely understand my parents' decision to not tell me what was going on when it was going on. That was absolutely the right call.
What I'm having trouble with is the dichotomy of feelings towards my son on this one. On the one hand, I'm horrified and appalled that this happened to him all these years ago, and that his father turned and walked away, and I had no idea, and I just want to hug him forever. On the other hand, I'm horrified and appalled that he did this to his cousin who idolizes him, and I want to strangle him. My father said that I should not bring this up with Son, as Son absolutely does not want to talk about it, and Son's therapist concurs that it not be pushed, for Son's mental health.
I'm going to be visiting for the holidays next week, so I kinda need to figure this out fast. I do have an appointment with my therapist coming soon. I have all the appropriate medications. How do I deal with this? How do I hide my loathing and revulsion at what Son did? Are there resources out there for parents of child molesters? My googling this afternoon did not help at all. Websites? Books? Support groups? Woo is fine, I'll take anything at this point.
Apologies if this gets long, I want to include as much info as I can since I'm going anonymous on this one.
My parents have full custody of my 12 year old son and my 9 year old daughter, due to my precarious health. Their father is for all intents and purposes not in the picture. (He has called twice in the last two years, and written two letters in the same time period.) The kids have been in therapy for some time now for anger and abandonment issues. Generally speaking, Son is mature, generous, helpful, caring, and intelligent. Daughter is sweet, caring, generous to a fault, fairly naive due to developmental disabilities, but also intelligent. Son wants absolutely nothing to do with his father, while Daughter still hopes my ex and I will get back together, even though we've been separated for most of her life.
About a month and a half ago, my 4 year old nephew made the accusation that Son had molested him. The allegation has been consistent and credible. Nobody has any doubts at all that this occurred. Child Protective Services has been involved, and contact between my kids and my nieces and nephews has been severely limited. There used to be family gatherings 2-3 times per week; now there are none.
After this accusation came out, Son revealed in therapy that he had been molested several times by his step-brother, many years ago, when his father and I were sharing custody after separating. Son also stated that his father knew about it, as he'd walked in on the situation multiple times, then turned and walked out. These are also consistent and credible allegations. Nobody has any doubts at all that this occurred, either. Child Protective Services in the state my ex lives in has been involved.
All of this information was dumped on me in a 40 minute phone call today from my father. My physical and mental health both suck, but I am currently more stable on both fronts than I was when this was all coming to light. (I have bipolar disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and OCD, and multiple chronic pain conditions that are aggravated by anxiety and stress.) I completely understand my parents' decision to not tell me what was going on when it was going on. That was absolutely the right call.
What I'm having trouble with is the dichotomy of feelings towards my son on this one. On the one hand, I'm horrified and appalled that this happened to him all these years ago, and that his father turned and walked away, and I had no idea, and I just want to hug him forever. On the other hand, I'm horrified and appalled that he did this to his cousin who idolizes him, and I want to strangle him. My father said that I should not bring this up with Son, as Son absolutely does not want to talk about it, and Son's therapist concurs that it not be pushed, for Son's mental health.
I'm going to be visiting for the holidays next week, so I kinda need to figure this out fast. I do have an appointment with my therapist coming soon. I have all the appropriate medications. How do I deal with this? How do I hide my loathing and revulsion at what Son did? Are there resources out there for parents of child molesters? My googling this afternoon did not help at all. Websites? Books? Support groups? Woo is fine, I'll take anything at this point.
Your son isn't done becoming the man he is going to be, and the fact that this was caught so early is such a good thing. Your boy isn't a monster, he's a hurt person whose hurt is now out in the open, where it can be healed. I'm sure you've heard of the 'cycle of abuse' - your ex was perpetuating it, but your family is stepping up and stopping it. I know that can't erase the horribleness of this, but I just wanted to tell you that.
If you're looking for things to listen to, the Mental Illness Happy Hour is great and regularly addresses issues of sexual trauma, from both the victim and the perpetrator's side (and your son is of course both). I can do more digging later to find specific episodes, if you'd like.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:34 PM on December 18, 2014 [29 favorites]
If you're looking for things to listen to, the Mental Illness Happy Hour is great and regularly addresses issues of sexual trauma, from both the victim and the perpetrator's side (and your son is of course both). I can do more digging later to find specific episodes, if you'd like.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:34 PM on December 18, 2014 [29 favorites]
Some online information:
Do Children Sexually Abuse Other Children? (pdf)
Children and teens who abuse are not just smaller versions of adults who abuse.
When Abuse Hits Home (pdf)
posted by jaguar at 7:38 PM on December 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Do Children Sexually Abuse Other Children? (pdf)
Children and teens who abuse are not just smaller versions of adults who abuse.
When Abuse Hits Home (pdf)
posted by jaguar at 7:38 PM on December 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Memail me or email me at viggorlijah at gmail.com
I work with and have relatives in the same situation. Your son is not a monster but a very hurt struggling child exploding - it's like a kid who's been set on fire who then in their struggles to extinguish the fire sets other people on fire too.
I promise you that you can get trough this and love your son and your nephew while keeping them both safe - which will involve losses but also healing.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:32 PM on December 18, 2014 [16 favorites]
I work with and have relatives in the same situation. Your son is not a monster but a very hurt struggling child exploding - it's like a kid who's been set on fire who then in their struggles to extinguish the fire sets other people on fire too.
I promise you that you can get trough this and love your son and your nephew while keeping them both safe - which will involve losses but also healing.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:32 PM on December 18, 2014 [16 favorites]
This is an unfortunate thing, and I'm glad you're trying to deal with this in a responsible, empathetic way.
This is a very common behavior for children who have undergone sexual abuse, just anecdotally from people I know. I don't have any further words, but I hope with time comes peace for you and your son.
posted by JauntyFedora at 8:41 PM on December 18, 2014
This is a very common behavior for children who have undergone sexual abuse, just anecdotally from people I know. I don't have any further words, but I hope with time comes peace for you and your son.
posted by JauntyFedora at 8:41 PM on December 18, 2014
(And I hope some fellow MeFites can point you in the right direction, as it seems they already are doing)
posted by JauntyFedora at 8:42 PM on December 18, 2014
posted by JauntyFedora at 8:42 PM on December 18, 2014
Your son is still a little boy. What he did was wrong and damaging to his cousin. But he did not do it with the full knowledge an adult has of what consequences his actions would have.
He is simply too young to understand how people are damaged, what causes that damage. He hasn't lived enough in the world, he doesn't have the heart or mind of an adult.
If you remember that this behavior was only a consequence of his being abused, maybe your anger will be lessened.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:46 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
He is simply too young to understand how people are damaged, what causes that damage. He hasn't lived enough in the world, he doesn't have the heart or mind of an adult.
If you remember that this behavior was only a consequence of his being abused, maybe your anger will be lessened.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:46 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
Reading some of these comments, I think it's important to remember that you can (and should!) have compassion for your nephew and support him absolutely, while at the same time you can (and should!) have compassion for your son. As The Noble Goofy Elk and others have said, your son is still a kid, without the cognitive capacity to understand what he was doing. His actions still absolutely may have traumatized your nephew, but it's possible to see both of them as victims here.
(People's brains finish developing between 20 and 25. At that point, individuals should have the biological ability to control their actions, and my sympathy for their hurting others evaporates. I do think it's appropriate to remember that children do not have the biological ability to control themselves, especially in traumatic situations or in response to trauma, that we very reasonably expect of adults.)
posted by jaguar at 8:58 PM on December 18, 2014
(People's brains finish developing between 20 and 25. At that point, individuals should have the biological ability to control their actions, and my sympathy for their hurting others evaporates. I do think it's appropriate to remember that children do not have the biological ability to control themselves, especially in traumatic situations or in response to trauma, that we very reasonably expect of adults.)
posted by jaguar at 8:58 PM on December 18, 2014
I am so sorry this is happening in your family. You are not alone in this and you guys can get through this. I'm on my phone, so can't type a lot, but there are a lot of resources out there-the term you probably want to google is "sexually reactive children". Here's a quick link to some resources.
I have worked in child protection over 20 years now and I want to tell you that treatment for sexual offending behavior is much, much more successful with children than with adults. I feel very hopeful for your family, especially since everyone has responded so appropriately and protectively.
posted by purenitrous at 9:14 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
I have worked in child protection over 20 years now and I want to tell you that treatment for sexual offending behavior is much, much more successful with children than with adults. I feel very hopeful for your family, especially since everyone has responded so appropriately and protectively.
posted by purenitrous at 9:14 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
Hello, I was molested at age 4-ish by my grandfather. I'm in my early 30s now and only recovered the memory of it recently through flashbacks and therapy, and thankfully I didn't 'pass this on' the way your son did, so I can't fully relate -- but on the other hand, in a very real way for me it is like this has just happened, so I can kind of relate to what it feels like to have this done to you, and how that carries over into your life.
The experience of being molested at a young age can only really be described as shattering, obliterating. At such a formative age, when the world is new and frightening, and our conception of the self as a being worthy of existing and being loved is so new and fragile -- it is shattered into dust forever. You learn in an instant that you exist to be used. It's an existential wound. What comes next is vital. You need to be seen in your suffering, to be heard and believed, to be allowed to be shattered and ruined, and loved unconditionally and told that you have a right to exist. You need to rebuild that narrative that was shattered. If this doesn't happen, the only way to integrate the event, to make sense of it, is to believe that it was supposed to be this way. That the world is a place where such things can happen and this is normal. And thus, you are truly on your own, you have no right to safety or integrity, people use other people and all that protects you is strength.
Growing up as an adult (male) I was continually revisited by fantasies of exhibitionism and power in sexual situations. Being touched and objectified, but by people who desired me. After a particularly vivid abuse flashabck I made the link that I was trying to relive and revisit the past situation, except where I was the one in control. I am thankful this didn't manifest as a desire to touch others; I had a different flavour of it. But I can relate to a feeling of playing the situation over. I had a powerful impulse to create sexual situations in which I was the person in power. This was directly driven by the existential obliteration caused by having all of my power taken away from me. Some part of me was trying to find a way to exist and that was the only way it knew how.
Your son has been destroyed and destroyed again. It is a double trauma to have the first trauma ignored. Willfully ignored -- tacitly accepted, as in it could have been stopped but his father didn't think he was worth the bother. No possible hope of regaining any sense that human beings matter and have agency and a right to exist, because all the evidence says the opposite. To be ignored after suffering this trauma is to be kicked after falling. So it's tragic, but understandable that he asserts himself by exerting power over others. He's trying to carve out some kind of space for himself. The world has not given him any security, but he can make his own by destroying those around him. He can make his life make sense by growing into the roles he was shown.
Give him a counter-narrative. Show him by your actions that it is not about power and using other people and that he is not a lost soul, not forever tainted and fallen. Fight as hard as you can for a world in which this kind of thing is not normal, not okay, and does not make sense, and a world in which people have value no matter what, even people who abuse their cousins. He might be squashed by forces that are more powerful than him, even you if you allow yourself to, but that will only reinforce the narrative that it is all about power. He needs someone in his corner telling him that he has intrinsic value and worth. Hold that in your mind when you see him.
posted by anybodys at 9:58 PM on December 18, 2014 [33 favorites]
The experience of being molested at a young age can only really be described as shattering, obliterating. At such a formative age, when the world is new and frightening, and our conception of the self as a being worthy of existing and being loved is so new and fragile -- it is shattered into dust forever. You learn in an instant that you exist to be used. It's an existential wound. What comes next is vital. You need to be seen in your suffering, to be heard and believed, to be allowed to be shattered and ruined, and loved unconditionally and told that you have a right to exist. You need to rebuild that narrative that was shattered. If this doesn't happen, the only way to integrate the event, to make sense of it, is to believe that it was supposed to be this way. That the world is a place where such things can happen and this is normal. And thus, you are truly on your own, you have no right to safety or integrity, people use other people and all that protects you is strength.
Growing up as an adult (male) I was continually revisited by fantasies of exhibitionism and power in sexual situations. Being touched and objectified, but by people who desired me. After a particularly vivid abuse flashabck I made the link that I was trying to relive and revisit the past situation, except where I was the one in control. I am thankful this didn't manifest as a desire to touch others; I had a different flavour of it. But I can relate to a feeling of playing the situation over. I had a powerful impulse to create sexual situations in which I was the person in power. This was directly driven by the existential obliteration caused by having all of my power taken away from me. Some part of me was trying to find a way to exist and that was the only way it knew how.
Your son has been destroyed and destroyed again. It is a double trauma to have the first trauma ignored. Willfully ignored -- tacitly accepted, as in it could have been stopped but his father didn't think he was worth the bother. No possible hope of regaining any sense that human beings matter and have agency and a right to exist, because all the evidence says the opposite. To be ignored after suffering this trauma is to be kicked after falling. So it's tragic, but understandable that he asserts himself by exerting power over others. He's trying to carve out some kind of space for himself. The world has not given him any security, but he can make his own by destroying those around him. He can make his life make sense by growing into the roles he was shown.
Give him a counter-narrative. Show him by your actions that it is not about power and using other people and that he is not a lost soul, not forever tainted and fallen. Fight as hard as you can for a world in which this kind of thing is not normal, not okay, and does not make sense, and a world in which people have value no matter what, even people who abuse their cousins. He might be squashed by forces that are more powerful than him, even you if you allow yourself to, but that will only reinforce the narrative that it is all about power. He needs someone in his corner telling him that he has intrinsic value and worth. Hold that in your mind when you see him.
posted by anybodys at 9:58 PM on December 18, 2014 [33 favorites]
Are there resources out there for parents of child molesters?
It will help nobody -- least of all him -- to characterise your son as a child molester. Your son is a victim, perpetrating a cycle. His behaviour is common in victims, and a lot of families will have seen this. As weird as it may be, you may be comforted to read this DOJ bulletin; your son is basically a textbook example of a juvenile who commits a sex offense in terms of age, gender and risk factors.
On the one hand, I'm horrified and appalled that this happened to him all these years ago, and that his father turned and walked away, and I had no idea, and I just want to hug him forever.
Good. Go with that impulse.
On the other hand, I'm horrified and appalled that he did this to his cousin who idolizes him, and I want to strangle him.
That's for you to work out on your own. Your job as his mother is to support him to the absolute extent of your abilities, to be on his side, and to love him unconditionally.
You also need to respect him as a victim, and if he doesn't want to talk about it, don't. The best thing you can do is make sure he has appropriate psychological care and the opportunity to talk about both what was done to him and what he did in a supported environment.
The question of what to do vis a vis your sibling and her child is much, much more complex, but you didn't ask about that so I'm not addressing it except to say again: this is your child, and your primary job is to be on his team.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:30 PM on December 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
It will help nobody -- least of all him -- to characterise your son as a child molester. Your son is a victim, perpetrating a cycle. His behaviour is common in victims, and a lot of families will have seen this. As weird as it may be, you may be comforted to read this DOJ bulletin; your son is basically a textbook example of a juvenile who commits a sex offense in terms of age, gender and risk factors.
On the one hand, I'm horrified and appalled that this happened to him all these years ago, and that his father turned and walked away, and I had no idea, and I just want to hug him forever.
Good. Go with that impulse.
On the other hand, I'm horrified and appalled that he did this to his cousin who idolizes him, and I want to strangle him.
That's for you to work out on your own. Your job as his mother is to support him to the absolute extent of your abilities, to be on his side, and to love him unconditionally.
You also need to respect him as a victim, and if he doesn't want to talk about it, don't. The best thing you can do is make sure he has appropriate psychological care and the opportunity to talk about both what was done to him and what he did in a supported environment.
The question of what to do vis a vis your sibling and her child is much, much more complex, but you didn't ask about that so I'm not addressing it except to say again: this is your child, and your primary job is to be on his team.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:30 PM on December 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
If I were in your position, I would try to reframe what happened in the light of the following perspective:
Horrible patterns get passed on from generation to generation, and the only hope any of us have of stopping any such pattern in its tracks is to find the most effective interventions for currently active perpetrators and current victims as soon as they become known to us.
Child sexual abuse does many kinds of psychological damage. The most obvious follows directly from the utter betrayal of the victim's trust by the perpetrator. But at least as big as that, for both victims and perpetrators (most of who do have their own perpetrators) is the shame of being part of something that society in general reacts to with such visceral horror.
That shame is what drives both perpetrators and so many of their victims to keep the whole thing as hidden as possible; the isolation that follows from that hiding is a huge part of what keeps the whole cycle going. An episode of child sexual abuse works like initiation into a de facto secret society whose norms and morals are not those of society as a whole.
If the only people your son and your nephew ever encounter who do not react with visceral horror to an account of what happened between them are other child-abuse victims and perpetrators, the most likely result is validation of those aberrant norms and morals.
So the most effective intervention is to work on putting aside the horror, and summoning all the love and compassion and respect we can muster for those involved as people whose experiences matter. Children who have experienced sexual abuse - especially if they have then gone on to perpetrate it in their turn - need to understand that it is a pattern, and that regardless of what has already happened it is within their power to stop their own particular strand of that pattern hurting any more children than it already has.
It's particularly important to acknowledge that refusal to perpetuate a pattern of abuse does take tremendous courage; that such a refusal is a deeply honorable act; and that the awareness of having chosen an honorable way can help get a person through the lowest times they'll ever experience for the rest of their lives.
Achieving the required degree of compassion is hard. But it's less hard when the people involved are children, especially children we already love. Reacting compassionately to the stereotypical rock spider is a completely unrealistic aim for most people. For your twelve year old son, it should be doable and as his parent it's your job to do it.
Put your focus on the shared interest that your nephew and your son and the step-brother and whoever molested the step-brother all have in ending a tradition of abuse, summon all the love you have for all of them, and do your best to help them grow into the best people they can be. What else is there?
posted by flabdablet at 10:34 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
Horrible patterns get passed on from generation to generation, and the only hope any of us have of stopping any such pattern in its tracks is to find the most effective interventions for currently active perpetrators and current victims as soon as they become known to us.
Child sexual abuse does many kinds of psychological damage. The most obvious follows directly from the utter betrayal of the victim's trust by the perpetrator. But at least as big as that, for both victims and perpetrators (most of who do have their own perpetrators) is the shame of being part of something that society in general reacts to with such visceral horror.
That shame is what drives both perpetrators and so many of their victims to keep the whole thing as hidden as possible; the isolation that follows from that hiding is a huge part of what keeps the whole cycle going. An episode of child sexual abuse works like initiation into a de facto secret society whose norms and morals are not those of society as a whole.
If the only people your son and your nephew ever encounter who do not react with visceral horror to an account of what happened between them are other child-abuse victims and perpetrators, the most likely result is validation of those aberrant norms and morals.
So the most effective intervention is to work on putting aside the horror, and summoning all the love and compassion and respect we can muster for those involved as people whose experiences matter. Children who have experienced sexual abuse - especially if they have then gone on to perpetrate it in their turn - need to understand that it is a pattern, and that regardless of what has already happened it is within their power to stop their own particular strand of that pattern hurting any more children than it already has.
It's particularly important to acknowledge that refusal to perpetuate a pattern of abuse does take tremendous courage; that such a refusal is a deeply honorable act; and that the awareness of having chosen an honorable way can help get a person through the lowest times they'll ever experience for the rest of their lives.
Achieving the required degree of compassion is hard. But it's less hard when the people involved are children, especially children we already love. Reacting compassionately to the stereotypical rock spider is a completely unrealistic aim for most people. For your twelve year old son, it should be doable and as his parent it's your job to do it.
Put your focus on the shared interest that your nephew and your son and the step-brother and whoever molested the step-brother all have in ending a tradition of abuse, summon all the love you have for all of them, and do your best to help them grow into the best people they can be. What else is there?
posted by flabdablet at 10:34 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
I was a child when I was sexually abused by another child. Until a couple of years after it stopped, there were several times where I then was tempted to abuse other children in similar ways, though something held me back in the end (I think it was that I realized I didn't want them to hurt like I was hurting). Instead, I created really twisted situations with my dolls involving child abuse and neglect.
I agree with anybodys above that with this behavior, abused children are trying to feel in control.
For a long time after it happened, I felt that I was damaged, dirty, broken. This idea haunted me until around the time I graduated from high school. Please be careful of the words you choose when talking about it with your child. I think it's important to emphasize that the actions are wrong and hurtful, but that your child is not damaged forever. I think a key for your family is to focus on further developing empathy in these children with the hope that it will prevent it in the future.
I just want you to know that your son may have done something wrong but it doesn't mean he is beyond all hope for his entire life. Even though I had urges to abuse others, in the end I've turned out to be a well-adjusted adult who would never in a million years hurt a child.
posted by koakuma at 10:53 PM on December 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
I agree with anybodys above that with this behavior, abused children are trying to feel in control.
For a long time after it happened, I felt that I was damaged, dirty, broken. This idea haunted me until around the time I graduated from high school. Please be careful of the words you choose when talking about it with your child. I think it's important to emphasize that the actions are wrong and hurtful, but that your child is not damaged forever. I think a key for your family is to focus on further developing empathy in these children with the hope that it will prevent it in the future.
I just want you to know that your son may have done something wrong but it doesn't mean he is beyond all hope for his entire life. Even though I had urges to abuse others, in the end I've turned out to be a well-adjusted adult who would never in a million years hurt a child.
posted by koakuma at 10:53 PM on December 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
I want to echo the last line koakuma said. I would not wish this on anyone, but I've grown up to be compassionate and well-adjusted as well. So has my partner, who has been through similar stuff. (As a young child she took her impulses to act out on her cats, until she learned she was causing them pain.)
Also +1 to flabdablet. One of the hardest things I ever did was revealing this abuse to my parents -- as a 30 year old adult. They did not take it well. Compassion and understanding and love haven't really ever come; it was more like an explosion of anger and fear. But this could have been lessened if they had been more willing to accept me and validate my suffering as real and important (given my situation), rather than threatening to a narrative they had been building, which was some kind of do-over for their own damaged childhoods. "Failure" at life would have been met similarly with anger, no doubt, and there is no worse failure than becoming the Other. "Child molester" is a heavy, heavy label to be throwing around.
Here's another thing to hold in your head. What your son did makes sense. It's not right, but it makes sense. You can see that by all the evidence that this is a known pattern -- humans who are put in this situation often behave in this way. In other words, in this situation, what he did is what anyone would have done. You can try to tell him it's wrong and he shouldn't have done it, but if that were true, why did it happen to him and why did no-one give a fuck?
There comes a time when people have to take ownership, and try to turn toward the light, and own the damage they are doing and vow to stop it. In their adult lives. Some never reach this point, if life has kicked them too many times, and the amount of pain they have caused is too great to own up to, and if they never get the support they need. These are the ones society fears and hates, and with good reason because of the damage they do, but it's a tragic story more than anything else. There's little true evil in the world; mostly just lost souls who are still caught in their pain. But your son is twelve. With love and support he can heal. Just please, please, see him and validate what he's been through and what he's going through. Unconditionally. The fact that he did this terrible thing does not mean his suffering doesn't count. Likewise I am sure he feels guilt and shame over what he did, at some level, or will soon enough. He will one day need to grieve and feel the loss of his own youth, and then grieve for the loss he has caused, and this is only possible if his emotions are accepted as valid and allowed to be felt. If he is instead crushed, punished, made to feel ashamed, he will only harden.
posted by anybodys at 11:28 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Also +1 to flabdablet. One of the hardest things I ever did was revealing this abuse to my parents -- as a 30 year old adult. They did not take it well. Compassion and understanding and love haven't really ever come; it was more like an explosion of anger and fear. But this could have been lessened if they had been more willing to accept me and validate my suffering as real and important (given my situation), rather than threatening to a narrative they had been building, which was some kind of do-over for their own damaged childhoods. "Failure" at life would have been met similarly with anger, no doubt, and there is no worse failure than becoming the Other. "Child molester" is a heavy, heavy label to be throwing around.
Here's another thing to hold in your head. What your son did makes sense. It's not right, but it makes sense. You can see that by all the evidence that this is a known pattern -- humans who are put in this situation often behave in this way. In other words, in this situation, what he did is what anyone would have done. You can try to tell him it's wrong and he shouldn't have done it, but if that were true, why did it happen to him and why did no-one give a fuck?
There comes a time when people have to take ownership, and try to turn toward the light, and own the damage they are doing and vow to stop it. In their adult lives. Some never reach this point, if life has kicked them too many times, and the amount of pain they have caused is too great to own up to, and if they never get the support they need. These are the ones society fears and hates, and with good reason because of the damage they do, but it's a tragic story more than anything else. There's little true evil in the world; mostly just lost souls who are still caught in their pain. But your son is twelve. With love and support he can heal. Just please, please, see him and validate what he's been through and what he's going through. Unconditionally. The fact that he did this terrible thing does not mean his suffering doesn't count. Likewise I am sure he feels guilt and shame over what he did, at some level, or will soon enough. He will one day need to grieve and feel the loss of his own youth, and then grieve for the loss he has caused, and this is only possible if his emotions are accepted as valid and allowed to be felt. If he is instead crushed, punished, made to feel ashamed, he will only harden.
posted by anybodys at 11:28 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
I feel like recreating the things in the world around them, for good and for bad, is just how kids are designed to process things. It's then the job of the adults around them to channel that productively and to redirect it when it's inappropriate. While the kid is still a kid you have every opportunity to shape their future, by providing some structure around this sea of experiences that they have.
So when a little kid wants to copy Dad cooking, they get a toy pan set for Christmas; when you catch a toddler with their head in the dog's dish, you have a conversation about how humans normally eat at the table. When a kid sees somebody being a bully and thumping somebody, they'll probably try that out too, and you get to talk them through some more productive strategies for dealing with people.
So, it's awful that your kid has had this experience, and it's doubly awful that your kid hurt another kid in his attempts to process the whole thing. But now is a great time for the adults in your kid's life to help him find better ways to process these nasty experiences, and for him to start learning (in an age appropriate way) about consent and how consenting adult relationships work. And he will learn these lessons best if everyone involved can be calm about the topic (emotive though it is).
posted by emilyw at 6:18 AM on December 19, 2014
So when a little kid wants to copy Dad cooking, they get a toy pan set for Christmas; when you catch a toddler with their head in the dog's dish, you have a conversation about how humans normally eat at the table. When a kid sees somebody being a bully and thumping somebody, they'll probably try that out too, and you get to talk them through some more productive strategies for dealing with people.
So, it's awful that your kid has had this experience, and it's doubly awful that your kid hurt another kid in his attempts to process the whole thing. But now is a great time for the adults in your kid's life to help him find better ways to process these nasty experiences, and for him to start learning (in an age appropriate way) about consent and how consenting adult relationships work. And he will learn these lessons best if everyone involved can be calm about the topic (emotive though it is).
posted by emilyw at 6:18 AM on December 19, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your local rape crisis center will likely be able to provide short-term crisis counseling or phone support to help you work through this, in addition to talking to your therapist. If you are in the U.S., you can call the RAINN national hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) and you will automatically be connected to your closest crisis center, based on your area code. The volunteer on the phone should be able to talk you through some of your questions as well as provide information about local support.
posted by jaguar at 7:34 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]