Is it weird/creepy to attempt friendship with a one off acquaintance?

December 18, 2014 6:04 PM

Recently I had to take my car in for repairs. I visited the shop for an estimate, spoke on the phone to the receptionist and dealt with her when dropping off my car and picking up the courtesy car. Not only was she very helpful in providing me with some information I needed (a previous shop I went to weren't helpful at all) but she was fun to interact with. She and I seemed to hit it off and chatted each time for a few minutes, about the car and also about some other random topics. After interacting with her I just felt like I wished she was my friend. The converation was light and fun and I think we share a sense of humor. Just to provide some more information: I'm a female in my early 40s and I think she is maybe late 40s.

Some things I realize:

1) It is probably pathetic that I feel a connection with some random person I really won't have any need to see again (hopefully I won't need any more bodywork done on my car).
2) Most people probably don't want random customers trying to be overly friendly with them.
3) This potentially looks creepy or desperate.
4) She is probably really friendly and fun and easy to talk to with everyone, so I am not special in that I feel we hit it off.
5) My lack of friendships and my difficulties with socializing (some social anxiety, have a hard time letting people get to know me, self esteem issues) may also be contributing to me questioning whether this is a weird thing or not.

I feel like a little socially inept kid going up to someone on the playground and asking "Will you be my friend?". I honestly don't even know if it is appropriate, what I would say, or even if I should say something. I have a hard time making friends and being close to people so I don't have very many people in my life. I'm lonely but also afraid to allow people close to me.

Any advice or experiences you'd like to share or thoughts would be welcome. Thanks for reading this.

posted by thegoldfish to Human Relations (25 answers total)

People in customer facing positions are, in general, friendly and outgoing as part of their jobs, or at least are expected to behave as though they genuinely are. It is not usually a good idea to read too much into such behavior, whatever your goals are.

As for all the other issues in your question, I'm a terrible person to advise you on anything specific because while I am also pretty socially awkward I also hate people in general and want them to go away, BUT NEVERTHELESS I will suggest that you think about going to a mefi meetup if there is one in your area because there is a pretty good chance that you will be amongst other people who are personally familiar with the often agonizing social awkwardness of making new friends. I was lured into irl mefite friendships kind of like how someone would coax a furious feral cat out from under their car with some liverwurst and it was a great thing overall.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:21 PM on December 18, 2014 [12 favorites]

1) It's not pathetic - sometimes you just hit it off with people. It doesn't necessarily mean something cosmic, but it does happen and it's not pathetic to take notice of it.
2)I don't think most people mind a friendly and nice customer. In fact, it can be the highlight of a day to have a great interaction. The problem with jobs that require a lot of interaction in a customer service situation is that some people take it into totally inappropriate territory by hitting on someone who is working, or by being an abusive jerk to someone who has to be nice back or risk their job. But, you weren't doing that and she probably appreciated that you were nice and that the interaction was fun and interesting.
3) Not creepy unless you drive it into boundary pushing territory like making it sexual or being super overbearing or intrusive.
4) She may be friendly to others, but not everyone hits it off. I'm betting she deals with a lot of jerks who aren't pleasant despite her friendliness.
5) Maybe it'll help to think of this and other similar situations as practice. Being friendly and creating rapport with people is a skill. Sure, some people seem to be naturals, but most people have to work at it and get better at it. Interactions in the public sphere are a good place to work on building those skills. Then, you'll have them when you do get an opportunity to socialize with people with whom a friendship is a possibility.

If you want to say something, I always feel fine telling someone that they've made my day so much nicer by being friendly and funny.
posted by quince at 6:26 PM on December 18, 2014

Start with something very casual, like adding her on Facebook or forwarding a relevant news article to her. If she accepts the friend request or replies to your email, then elevate to the next level, such as inviting her to a movie or event where there doesn't have to be a ton of talking. If that goes well, then elevate to asking her to coffee.

You don't have to be the kid who asks "Will you be my friend?" You can be the kid who goes up to someone on the playground and says hi. If they say hi back, you then escalate until you are friends without needing to have talked about it explicitly.
posted by vienna at 6:28 PM on December 18, 2014

I don't know. I don't really buy this customer-service-people-are-like-this, so this was a meaningless interaction argument. Customer service jobs are lonely as hell. And I have definitely felt thrills of platonic interest as potent as a romantic ones, moments where I was like "I can TELL we are going to be friends" (sometimes accompanied by the White Stripes song in my head). The main question is, how to find out if she felt the same, without being encroaching or creepy? Facebook is great if you know her name. Otherwise you might be limited to sending a thank you note for the big help she was when your car was messed up and also if she ever wants to xyz related to what you talked about, let you know at whatever number/email, all in the card. I don't know. It's rough. But friends are hard to come by in the 40s, so I think it is worth a shot.
posted by half life at 6:43 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]

I've been there! For me it was the owner of a patient (I'm a vet) and we just instantly hit it off. I ended up sending her an email asking her if she'd be interested in joining a book club that I attend. She's become a great friend over the years. Go for it!
posted by Nickel Pickle at 6:50 PM on December 18, 2014

If the business has a Facebook you could do worse than to friend their Facebook, and maybe drop a little message saying thanks for all their help and special thanks to [lady's name] for being so helpful. If they do indeed have FB, and she was indeed the customer service rep, she may very well be the one who responds, and you could maybe go from there? If you shared any talk about common interests, that might be a little launching board.

Anyway, I'm in the "not creepy" camp, unless you go mental.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:59 PM on December 18, 2014

Response by poster: Thanks for all the replies everyone! I think I am at one disadvantage in that I don't use Facebook, so some of the suggestions I can't readily do at the moment.

But I have been thinking that when I pick up my car tomorrow I would take along a Christmas card. I'm just not sure exactly what to write in it. I will thank her for her help and wish happy holidays but the stay in touch line is what is tripping me up. Unfortunately, we didn't discuss mutual interests so much as just random tidbits. Like funny last names of people, for example.

We live quite close to each other as she mentioned the area she lives and it's about 5 mins from where I live. Is there some way I can use this as a jumping off point or way to suggest meeting up sometime?
posted by thegoldfish at 7:09 PM on December 18, 2014

A year ago I worked several temp jobs. And I really liked the woman who owns the agency. During my interview, we totally hit it off. So when I was having a party later in the year I invited her and she came along with her boyfriend. We aren't best friends, but we are friendly, and she's invited me to a few things and I've invited her to a few things.

I think the Christmas card would be weird. But saying something like, "you are really fun to talk to, do you ever have time to go out for coffee?" It would be a very straightforward way of indicating the fact that you like her. And also, it gives her the opportunity to say, "I'm so sorry, I'm really busy" or "That would be really fun."

A Christmas card seems like overkill to me, like way too much. IMHO. Getting a Christmas card from a stranger would make me worry. Having someone tell me that I'm fun to talk to and ask if we can get together some time to talk more, on the other hand, would just be an ego boost. But YMMV, of course. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:21 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

"You mentioned you live nearby, do you want to grab a cup of coffee at X some time? Here's my number, laterz!"

(I don't know how girls talk to one another but I have to assume that they are a little more mature in their interactions than men are and thus wouldn't immediately assume this was some weird romantic interest scenario, but I'm sure you'd have a better idea than I about how to phrase a thing like that.)
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:23 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]

If you have any way of contacting her, I'd go ahead -- even if it's through the repair shop's email. If it's just through the shop's email, keep it casual, like "I want to give thanks to [name of receptionist] for making my experience so pleasant on [X date]. It was great to interact with her."

I think a card/etc. isn't inappropriate at this time of year (per your followup) unless it's super fancy. Saying something similar ("Thank you for making this less stressful!" and then include your contact information in a casual way, like "I got to X place for coffee so let me know if you'd like to meet up" or whatever). But I also think you need to understand she may not want a new friend or she was just doing her job. That's nothing against you. I've hit it off with a few people like that and it didn't turn into anything else.

I think it's worth a chance, though, and I would do it. Good luck.
posted by darksong at 7:25 PM on December 18, 2014

One more voice (who's far from great at this stuff) to encourage a casual comment that it's been fun to chat, you apparently live pretty close so coffee or strolling around at some point sounds good.
posted by ambient2 at 7:41 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think if you see her, you can say, "You're really fun to talk to, and I've been wanting to make some more local friends. I don't want to put you on the spot, but if you'd be up for [activity A,B, or C], would you get in touch?" Then give her a little card with your contact info.

Even though it seems a little awkward to have some "let's be friends" bit, it's probably more awkward for her to be wondering whether you are trying to ask her on a Date.
posted by ktkt at 8:03 PM on December 18, 2014 [26 favorites]

I like ktkt's script. Asking someone if they want to grab coffee sometime is also a classic move to hit on them, whereas this script makes clear your intentions.

I am sure if you are socially awkward it might seem much more challenging to make yourself vulnerable by saying something like that, but - nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I really think you should say it instead of doing the Christmas card. You could make activity A/B/C something that's in the neighborhood both of you share. Just leave it open ended so she can respond later.

I would also nth the "it's not just a customer service person who has to be nice" thing - I think this is a different situation than an opposite sex bartender who might be flirting with you, which is more of the cliche for that.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:30 PM on December 18, 2014

Nthing "coffee".

In my experience, it's a good thing to trust your gut feeling: if you feel a connection, reach out casually and see if the other person responds. Something easy and short, like "Hey - you live by the XYZ coffee shop? Want to grab a cup of coffee sometime and chat?" and give them your email or phone number. If they contact you, it's a good sign.

Sometimes they don't respond. Don't take it personally, it's just life. They too may have felt the beginning of a connection - but their life is overly complicated, or [any number of things] and they're just not up for a new friend in their life.

If you do make a 'date' with this person, and they cancel? This is just me, but I give it one more shot ("aww, I was looking forward to talking to you. Can we try again next week?" and get a day/time) and if they cancel on that, then it's time to quit.

One thing: I would advise not trying to contact the person via the business's general email. Sending something to '[e-mail]' with a Subject: line "personal for Alison" is going to look 'odd' to Alison's boss or anyone else who has access to the account.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:54 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't go with the card, nor the language about wanting to "make friends," nor "you are a __ person;" all seem heavy and/or presumptive. I'd find another way to signal "this is not a date" that doesn't laden the event with expectations.

I'd be like "hey, it's been fun chatting. Since we live so close, if you ever want to [thing 1] or [thing 2], drop me a line? I've been wanting to meet more people in the neighborhood. I think my info is on the paperwork."

Thing 1 and 2 should be neighborhood things, but different. Not both bars (in case she doesn't drink), not both costing money (in case she's saving her money). Check out that new cafe, go feed the ducks, grab a beer at the Old Standard, window shop, visit kittens at the pet store, watch kids at the park, pick up bagels...
posted by salvia at 9:17 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]

Having worked as a server for many years, I would disagree with those above who suggest verbally asking her if she wants to hang out. You'd be doing that in her workplace and putting her in a bad spot. If she doesn't want to do something with you, how is she supposed to respond? I think it would be almost on par with straight up hitting on her, maybe worse because she would likely feel bad about hurting your feelings, if she did wish to decline.

I think the card, while potentially a little creepy, is the better option. Write something like, "Happy Holidays! I've enjoyed chatting with you. If you would ever like to grab coffee sometime, my email address is xxxx"

That puts the ball entirely in her court, and I think e-mail is less personal somehow than a phone number.

By the way, I don't think there is anything at all desperate and creepy about wanting to make friends with someone you just met; the problem is that her job really does complicate things. You may well have a genuine connection with this person. The key is to leave it up to her, and not make her work life more complicated.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:07 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]

Usually people I hit it off with mention an interest; ask her about something she's already doing, then say you're interested in it and wanted to check it out, maybe you'll see her there. It's then both not a date and not something she has to shoot down at work, but a mutual interest.
posted by klangklangston at 11:16 PM on December 18, 2014

I don't have a business card, but I do have a "personal card" with my name/phone/email.

When I meet someone I think I've connected with in a friendly way, I'll use one of the comments upthread such as girl flaneur's "I've enjoyed chatting with you. If you would ever like to grab coffee sometime, you can reach me here ..." and I just hand over my card. That seems to work well, an invitation but no pressure.

I know you don't have time to do that in this case as you're picking up your car tomorrow, but maybe you can keep the cards in mind for the future? It's a wonderful thing to hit it off with someone and spot a potential friend!
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 11:53 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

Suggest grabbing cupcakes, instead of coffee, perhaps. It sounds a little less potentially date-like. And remember, people make friends in all sorts of circumstances. On airplanes, in line for restrooms, at the DMV!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:55 AM on December 19, 2014

You're in a Catch-22 situation. You don't have any connection to this woman outside of her doing her job, but it's impolite to use that connection to forge another of the kind that you want.

One of my customers friending me on Facebook would really creep me out. It would mean that someone I don't really know that well has figured out my name and gone looking for it on the internet, with the apparent intention of trying to create some kind of social bond.

I would also not respond well to someone trying to break the social contract that exists during a retail transaction. The other person would be in my workplace and would have social control. I wouldn't be free to be myself with the response. I wouldn't necessarily be able to respond in whatever fashion I wanted to. I'm suddenly reminded of a customer who used to chat (not just to me, to everyone) about what they were doing at the weekend, and other such "innocuous" things. Some people responded well to it, some didn't. But when a customer asks, you HAVE TO answer. You can't just demur.

If you do this, then please do it in such a fashion that she doesn't have to respond to your face. A card or email thanking the place for the excellent work they did, with your contact details in, is about as far as you can reasonably go, I think.

By a strange coincidence, I had my car repaired last after an accident. I dealt with several employees from 3 different companies and enjoyed chatting to them. Alice and I shared a knowing giggle together about the trials of working in retail at Christmas. Bob has a baby daughter he's inordinately proud of. Carla has the same model car as me, so we spent ten minutes extolling its virtues to one another and criticising other models of vehicle. All of these interactions were pleasant but while that was the case, they were also all instigated by people in the course of doing their jobs. People who work in service positions have far more expectation placed on them to be nice and friendly, etcetera, then everyone else does. I have behaved in the same way as Alice, bob and Carla, because part of my job was to make people have a good impression of the company. It's not because I'd want to be friends with any of my customers.
posted by Solomon at 12:55 AM on December 19, 2014 [5 favorites]

This is what you should tell her:

Hey, I'll take your number just in case I need to come back here for another repair work. . And here's my card. Since you say you live in the neighborhood, I'd be pleased to treat you to coffee if you wanted to stay in touch. .

This being said, making friends has always been effortless for me, since I was a kid, and I have many (maybe even too many). So you might want to phrase it in a way that feels natural to you. Then one week later, feel free to call her. Then see where it leads.
posted by Kwadeng at 2:33 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Hopefully in your chats, you've discussed a mutual interest. When you check out, give her your card and say, "Hey, I'm going to be going to the mutual interest on date, if you'd like to come along, call me and we can go together."

Then let the ball be in her court. I will say that the odds are about 4:1 against. But it's good exercise to stretch a bit and make the effort.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:50 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]

Nthing doing this with a card or a note somehow. It takes a lot of awkwardness out of the situation, and if I was on her end of things, that is certainly how I'd want to be approached. I actually connected with one of my best friends by dropping a note on his car -- he lived in my neighborhood and I noticed a kayak on his car -- I also kayaking, and left a quick not saying something along the lines of "hey, we live in the same neighborhood and both kayak, wanna grab a beer sometime?" That was six years ago, and a couple of years ago he was one of my groomsmen.
posted by craven_morhead at 5:43 AM on December 19, 2014

YES DO IT! Give her your email address / phone # in the card and tell her you've enjoyed talking to her and would be open to friendship.

Somewhat related: I (30) placed a craigslist personal add for woman / woman platonic friendship and I was pretty much just tossing it out there in the off chance that I would get something other than creepyt hook up men responding. To my surprise, I got 0 creeps and 2 real responses. So maybe try something like that too.
posted by WeekendJen at 6:16 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

Trying to make friends with someone you randomly connect with is definitely worth a shot. I especially like the card idea, with an email address for her to contact if she's interested.

My best friend (in her mid-forties now) is a very social person and has tried to make random friends through the years. Most of those people just didn't have the time or energy for new friends, but a number of them were good shorter-term hangout buddies.

I'm one of those random people she tried to connect with, and I couldn't be more grateful for her effort. We met through an acquaintance, and we had a good rhythm in our conversation and similar senses of humor. She awkwardly asked if I wanted to get lunch. The awkwardness wasn't a problem for me though, it was just a fact of trying to make random friends in our thirties. At the end our first 'date' (as we jokingly call it now), we very awkwardly and matter-of-factly agreed we'd like to be friends, but to make it stick we'd have to hang out regularly. We aimed to see each other once a week, and now, eight years later we hang out 1-3 times/wk and have been on many vacations and road trips together.

All that to say, I'm so glad she asked me to lunch.
posted by jenmakes at 11:23 AM on December 20, 2014