How do I convince someone I only want to give, not exchange, gifts?
December 17, 2014 3:17 PM Subscribe
I need help wording a Christmas card that's accompanying a gift. The message I want to convey is that I really, truly, do NOT want a gift in return.
I need to be a bit vague about the precise situation, but this is the deal: there's a group of us who all pitch in to do something, but one person does more than his share and is really the one who keeps everything organized and running smoothly. (This is not paid work and we are not coworkers in any sense.) I was the last to join the group and, in my first xmas with them, I gave him a small edible gift to thank him. He was appreciative and said nobody had ever thanked him for the extra work he does, which blew my mind a bit. If he were to quit doing this, we'd be in trouble!
The next year, I gave him something again. A few days later, he gave me something in return. Nobody else in the group exchanges gifts; I'm sure he did this because I gave *him* something. The last thing I want is for him to feel obligated to give me something, though! I'm trying to show my appreciation, but if he feels the need to reciprocate the gift, it's like I'm just making more work for him.
Is there a polite message I can write that will convey the fact that I want nothing in return? Is it rude for me to tell someone their nice gesture is unwanted? Another thing I want to avoid is coming across like I'm paying him for his work, because it is not that kind of dynamic at all. In last year's card, I did emphasize that this was a "small token of appreciation," trying to imply it was more for that than for xmas itself.
You might suggest that I just give him something at a time other than Christmas, but it's not possible in this case. You might also suggest that I simply do more to help ease his workload, but I already do as much as I can (and I can't coerce the others). Either way, I would still need to come up with a way to word this card. Thanks!
I need to be a bit vague about the precise situation, but this is the deal: there's a group of us who all pitch in to do something, but one person does more than his share and is really the one who keeps everything organized and running smoothly. (This is not paid work and we are not coworkers in any sense.) I was the last to join the group and, in my first xmas with them, I gave him a small edible gift to thank him. He was appreciative and said nobody had ever thanked him for the extra work he does, which blew my mind a bit. If he were to quit doing this, we'd be in trouble!
The next year, I gave him something again. A few days later, he gave me something in return. Nobody else in the group exchanges gifts; I'm sure he did this because I gave *him* something. The last thing I want is for him to feel obligated to give me something, though! I'm trying to show my appreciation, but if he feels the need to reciprocate the gift, it's like I'm just making more work for him.
Is there a polite message I can write that will convey the fact that I want nothing in return? Is it rude for me to tell someone their nice gesture is unwanted? Another thing I want to avoid is coming across like I'm paying him for his work, because it is not that kind of dynamic at all. In last year's card, I did emphasize that this was a "small token of appreciation," trying to imply it was more for that than for xmas itself.
You might suggest that I just give him something at a time other than Christmas, but it's not possible in this case. You might also suggest that I simply do more to help ease his workload, but I already do as much as I can (and I can't coerce the others). Either way, I would still need to come up with a way to word this card. Thanks!
Whoops, sorry, I missed the first sentence of the last paragraph. Not sure why it's not possible, but I'll take your word for it.
In that case, I'd go with, give just the card, not a gift. And I say that because I'd rather get just a card than get a gift that I felt guilty about accepting because I'd been instructed not to reciprocate when everything I know about politeness and kindness would make me want to reciprocate.
posted by decathecting at 3:22 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
In that case, I'd go with, give just the card, not a gift. And I say that because I'd rather get just a card than get a gift that I felt guilty about accepting because I'd been instructed not to reciprocate when everything I know about politeness and kindness would make me want to reciprocate.
posted by decathecting at 3:22 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you gave him a gift last year, he very well may already have been planning to get you something (or already purhased something for you) this year.
I would just focus the card on very specific things about his work that you are grateful for, and let him manage his own gift-giving.
posted by jaguar at 3:29 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would just focus the card on very specific things about his work that you are grateful for, and let him manage his own gift-giving.
posted by jaguar at 3:29 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would include a note thanking him for the extra work he's put in and at the end add, "Please no gift in return -- accept this as a token of my appreciation!" Or maybe "This isn't meant to be a gift exchange, I just wanted to show my appreciation!" You can only gently say it. I don't think you can straight up say, "I don't want you to give me a gift back."
A "gift," such as an item, may make him feel more obligated to give something in return. What if you just got him a gift certificate to a nice restaurant or a restaurant you know he likes? An edible treat also does not scream "gift exchange" to me as much as it screams "nice gesture."
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:30 PM on December 17, 2014
A "gift," such as an item, may make him feel more obligated to give something in return. What if you just got him a gift certificate to a nice restaurant or a restaurant you know he likes? An edible treat also does not scream "gift exchange" to me as much as it screams "nice gesture."
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:30 PM on December 17, 2014
Response by poster: In case it makes a difference, the second year's xmas gift was also edible. As will be this year's. Thanks... butting back out now.
posted by paperback version at 3:38 PM on December 17, 2014
posted by paperback version at 3:38 PM on December 17, 2014
Sign the card from "Santa" and leave it on his desk anonymously.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:18 PM on December 17, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 4:18 PM on December 17, 2014 [20 favorites]
I understand that you giving this gift 'at' Christmas time, but why don't you make it a thank you gift rather than a Christmas gift.
Write in a thank you card, use non festive wrapping/ribbon etc.
Say something like 'I just wanted to take this opportunity at the end of the year to thank you for all your hard work...'.
posted by Youremyworld at 4:53 PM on December 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Write in a thank you card, use non festive wrapping/ribbon etc.
Say something like 'I just wanted to take this opportunity at the end of the year to thank you for all your hard work...'.
posted by Youremyworld at 4:53 PM on December 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Have you talked to other people in the group about all signing the card, so it's from all of you?
Otherwise, this guy apparently appreciates you as well - would you deny him the pleasure of showing it with a gift? He's responsible for his own gift-giving, and is assumedly reciprocating because he wants to.
posted by momus_window at 4:54 PM on December 17, 2014
Otherwise, this guy apparently appreciates you as well - would you deny him the pleasure of showing it with a gift? He's responsible for his own gift-giving, and is assumedly reciprocating because he wants to.
posted by momus_window at 4:54 PM on December 17, 2014
Is it possible that he would actually like to be friends with you, the one person in the organization thoughtful enough to notice his work and thank him? If he just likes you, maybe he would enjoy giving you a little something.
I just mention it as something to consider -- not that I think you are necessarily wrong to want to just thank the guy.
posted by amtho at 4:57 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I just mention it as something to consider -- not that I think you are necessarily wrong to want to just thank the guy.
posted by amtho at 4:57 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Could you give the gift separate from the Christmas card? That would also help convey "this is not a holiday thing, this is an appreciation thing."
But yeah, I wouldn't explicitly say/write anything about "no gift in exchange"--just be gracious and use the opportunity to thank him again if he does decide to give you a gift.
posted by kagredon at 5:03 PM on December 17, 2014
But yeah, I wouldn't explicitly say/write anything about "no gift in exchange"--just be gracious and use the opportunity to thank him again if he does decide to give you a gift.
posted by kagredon at 5:03 PM on December 17, 2014
Best answer: "With all the gifts of time and service that you give Cincinnati Quilters throughout the year, I wanted to use the holidays to give you a small gift in return. It doesn't come close to matching what your work adds to my life [tone down if necessary] -- I can't thank you enough for all you do." Translation: you've already given me me than enough; I'm technically still in your debt. Won't work though.
posted by slidell at 5:44 PM on December 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by slidell at 5:44 PM on December 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
Seconding making the gift anonymous. It will let him know he's appreciated without obligating a gift in return.
posted by Aleyn at 5:52 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Aleyn at 5:52 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Won't work though.
Hah. You're probably right -- gotta try, though!
I still have time before I see him so if anyone has more suggestions on how to word this card, please post! Thanks.
posted by paperback version at 6:25 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Hah. You're probably right -- gotta try, though!
I still have time before I see him so if anyone has more suggestions on how to word this card, please post! Thanks.
posted by paperback version at 6:25 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
-simply because words cannot express how thankful I am for all you do.
Have a wonderful New Year.
Thank you again,
Paperback
posted by taff at 6:36 PM on December 17, 2014
Have a wonderful New Year.
Thank you again,
Paperback
posted by taff at 6:36 PM on December 17, 2014
I think you're being a little unfair without realizing.
People can sometimes end up feeling resentful if they feel you're giving to them all the time without any opportunity to return the favor. Maybe he really wants to show his appreciation. What's wrong with that? I understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way about saying "I Love You" for the first time in a relationship. A lot of times I feel like this is only said because that person wants to hear it said to them which always bothered me. That's why when I was the first person to say those words in my relationship I dropped it in nonchalantly during a conversation and immediately left the room to walk the dog as if I had just told him I cleaned the medicine cabinet. I wanted it to be clear that I wasn't fishing for him to say it back to me. It was something I said because that's just how I felt and whether or not he felt the same wasn't going to change how I felt about him anyway. He did end up saying it back to me eventually and by then I knew it was real and not because he felt pressured. I sure as hell didn't tell him "Oh, no- don't bother telling me that. You don't have to do that." He wanted to. Why don't you give this guy the same opportunity? Let him go ahead and give you a gift if he wants to. Accept it with open arms. :) Merry Christmas!!
posted by rancher at 6:40 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
People can sometimes end up feeling resentful if they feel you're giving to them all the time without any opportunity to return the favor. Maybe he really wants to show his appreciation. What's wrong with that? I understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way about saying "I Love You" for the first time in a relationship. A lot of times I feel like this is only said because that person wants to hear it said to them which always bothered me. That's why when I was the first person to say those words in my relationship I dropped it in nonchalantly during a conversation and immediately left the room to walk the dog as if I had just told him I cleaned the medicine cabinet. I wanted it to be clear that I wasn't fishing for him to say it back to me. It was something I said because that's just how I felt and whether or not he felt the same wasn't going to change how I felt about him anyway. He did end up saying it back to me eventually and by then I knew it was real and not because he felt pressured. I sure as hell didn't tell him "Oh, no- don't bother telling me that. You don't have to do that." He wanted to. Why don't you give this guy the same opportunity? Let him go ahead and give you a gift if he wants to. Accept it with open arms. :) Merry Christmas!!
posted by rancher at 6:40 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yes, it is rude to try and manage other people's gift giving behavior. :) If he wants to get you a gift for whatever reason, you should accept it gracefully and say thank you. (I mean, unless he's a crazy stalker, but obviously this does not sound like the situation here!)
I do think you will take this less out of the reciprocal holiday gift exchange world and more into the thank you gift work by waiting until after Christmas and giving the gift more around January 1 with an "end of the year/beginning of the year" type of message.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:41 AM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I do think you will take this less out of the reciprocal holiday gift exchange world and more into the thank you gift work by waiting until after Christmas and giving the gift more around January 1 with an "end of the year/beginning of the year" type of message.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:41 AM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Instead, hold onto it, and give it to him in January or February with a generic "Thanks for All You Do" type message. That way, there's no expectation of reciprocity, and it can just be a thank you.
But I don't think there's any polite, non-awkward way to insist on no reciprocity for a holiday gift.
posted by decathecting at 3:21 PM on December 17, 2014 [2 favorites]