How to reject male advances gracefully?

November 15, 2005 10:14 PM

As a woman, how do you reject a man who is amorous in his advances in a way that doesn't scar him for life.

This was the hypothetical question posed to me by a woman friend on the phone tonight. She had just told me a line from "Gone With the Wind" in which Scarlett O'Hara sends back a expensive necklace to a suitor proclaiming something like. "I am unable to accept a gift for which I can never repay"

posted by goalyeehah to human relations (36 comments total)

Quickly, firmly, and with as little information as possible. "I'm sorry, but this isn't working out" is a good way to phrase it. In response to any questions as to why, a few additional "I'm sorry" responses (with NO specifics), followed by "I have to go now." In response to a future phone call/email/IM, "I think it's best if we give each other some room", followed by another "I'm sorry" and then complete silence. The end.
posted by cali at 10:33 PM on November 15, 2005

I like when girls are completely and brutely honest. It usually hurts more at first, but then I'm satisified and it keeps me from crawling back. Otherwise I'm just sitting there wondering what I did wrong, and if I could change it.
posted by geoff. at 10:38 PM on November 15, 2005

I'm sure you'll get a lot more advice but do NOT say anything along the lines of "I'm not interested in a relationship right now" or "I don't want a boyfriend at the moment."
posted by 6550 at 10:40 PM on November 15, 2005

"Will you please back off," she said sternly over the phone after I suggested a romp in the snow. "I need some room."

That was three winters ago. We've now been together two and a half years. =)
posted by brownpau at 10:42 PM on November 15, 2005

Definitely don't say "Its not you, its me" because that leaves the door open in his head. Close it.

Be simple and honest but not elaborate.
"Sorry but this isn't going to work out" should be alright. Its a bandaid, tear it off quickly and be done with it.
posted by fenriq at 10:45 PM on November 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

Depending on the man, there might be nothing you could say that won't scar him for life.

"As little information as possible" will keep many guys up at night for weeks or months, which is just as bad as scarring him. "It's not going to work out" is a good starting point, but you're likely to get a "Why?" in response. "I'm sorry" won't cut it. "I'm not feeling it," is a better response. Letting him know that there is nothing that he could do or change to change your mind is firm and to the point as well.

Don't tell him you're not attracted to him unless he asks specifically "are you not attracted to me?". Then crush him like a bug, because that's a lesson he needs to learn.
posted by solid-one-love at 10:54 PM on November 15, 2005 [2 favorites]

"Scar him for life."

He's a grown man and he'll get over it. Your concern is misplaced.

Scarring might occur if you are not clear and firm, so I disagree with "give each other some room", which implies that there might be a later point. Like drugs, just say no. I like "I'm not feeling it".

Also, can you clarify what you mean by amorous? Is he in love, or has he just proposed going back to his place, or what? (male, 35, New Zealander, I think ASL makes these answers more interesting).
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:03 PM on November 15, 2005

Just tell him he's too young.
posted by bobo123 at 11:04 PM on November 15, 2005

As an aside, does this question really need to be gender specific?

It's always going to be hurtful for someone to be attracted to someone who doesn't turn out to return the feeling.

This does seem to be a topic that suggests more don'ts than dos...

Don't beg off on some fictitious potential love interest ("I'm interested in someone else right now"). People do that because it's a quick way out, but then the rejectee may be sitting around in the pathetic hope that they are in second place.

Don't tell them about how great they are but... Don't tell them you're afraid of ruling a great friendship. Pity praise doesn't make anyone feel better, and that "ruining the friendship" line is a stupid cop-out and also untrue.

Don't tell them you're not interested in dating anyone just right now. In addition to inviting the hope of "but maybe I'm first in line when she IS interested again," you just know you'll meet the perfect guy the next day.

What else is there, except to not be utterly tactless (a little fibbing is acceptable at this point, if say the hopeful's body repulses you or you just cannot abide shortness or baldness or a glass eye) and to not leave any room for pointless hope, waiting, or torch-carrying.
posted by nanojath at 11:04 PM on November 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

So, by my count I've been shot down 23 times (out of 23 times that I've asked). The best rejections have had three prominent features: they were firm, direct, and left no doubt as to the future nature of the relationship.

Firmness means no weasel-words. It takes balls to ask someone out, the least you can do is respect that and not take the easy way out. In other words, no "maybe some other time" unless you actually mean that it's okay to be asked in the (relatively near) future. And no "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" unless you wouldn't say yes to the person of your dreams.

Directness means that, if possible, identify what's wrong. But don't make up stupid stuff. If he's too old, say as much. If it's because he came on too strong, say so. The asker can't improve without a little direction, so you're doing future askees a favor by being helpful.

As far as the future of the relationship goes, specify whether you want to continue the status quo, would prefer the asker not contact you again, or what have you. But for God's sake don't say "I hope we can be friends" if you don't mean it.

But this is all coming from a guy that values honesty and forthrightness a great deal. Furthermore, I can't read women to save my life (hence my track record), so I pretty much depend on having things spelled out for me.

I would like to point out, though, that the poster that said to give as little information as possible is apparently a woman. So, frankly, take her advice with a grain of salt. Which is not to say you shouldn't do the same with mine.
posted by jedicus at 11:12 PM on November 15, 2005

Nanojath makes some excellent points regarding avoiding anything that might inspire "pointless hope, waiting, or torch-carrying."
posted by jedicus at 11:14 PM on November 15, 2005

Oh I should add "I just don't feel sexually attracted to you" is a good way of doing it, instead of saying short, fat, etc. Also make it clear if you still want to be friends. Personally a lot of times I like a girl as a friend first then feel a connection, but if I get rejected I still want to be friends. This may be the exception, but I'm mature enough to handle friendships after rejections. Some guys aren't some are, I guess you have to judge but don't discount a great friendship just because you don't like screwing around. I have friends I've tried to get romantically involved with that didn't work out and we're still great friends. Likewise there are girls where I think "I wish we were still friends" and got rejected from.

Of course I know a lot of guys who just can't handle that, so be careful.
posted by geoff. at 11:31 PM on November 15, 2005

I concur with nonojath and jedicus. I'd also like to add one more don't.

Don't just stop returning calls/emails without first stating firmly and directly that you're not interested.

Also, I'm rather curious about cali's bit about as little information as possible. Why as little information as possible? Giving a specific honest reason for rejection can, at least, be a good learning experience for the person being rejected.
posted by epimorph at 11:41 PM on November 15, 2005

Just say you don't feel a romantic connection -- that you just don't feel that "thing" you need to feel. Saying "I just don't feel sexually attracted to you" can come off as a put-down, even if it technically means the same thing.
posted by acoutu at 11:54 PM on November 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

The point about giving as little info as possible was meant to avoid two things. First, if you tell him why then he has something to grasp on to and a response. Even something as simple as "I'm just not attracted to you" invites specific questions about why, what he could do to fix it, protestations involving gym memberships, etc. That's how break up conversations go on for days, which is awful for both parties. Secondly (and related to the first), I've never met a man or woman who truly, genuinely wanted to hear their faults enumerated out loud by the object of their attraction, or would consider it thoughtfully and make changes as opposed to feeling attacked and defensive. You guys say you do and maybe you're just different from the guys I've dated, but I have to say I consider that unlikely. Come on, you really want the girl you're hopelessly crushing on to sit down and list out all the reasons why she wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole?
posted by cali at 12:13 AM on November 16, 2005

It must depend on the person very much, becuase I couldn't disagree more with cali's response. Unless the person is extremely desperate and very aggressive, I think that level of rudeness is just mean. If the person respects you, I find it unlikely they will question your motives or try to offer alternatives. If they do, a firm but simple disagreement should set them straight. Giving one valid reason and leaving it at that works the best. It is often very hard to see yourself as others do, and an honest critique is hard to come by. Avoid getting tangled up responses to anything like "but i can change..", but try to be honest about how you feel.
posted by sophist at 2:51 AM on November 16, 2005

Cali's advice is dead on.
posted by fake at 4:40 AM on November 16, 2005

As a guy, I have to say that the best rejections are the ones I can no longer remember. The ones that were really obvious and stick out in my mind were somewhat traumatic. Then again, I'm probably pretty good at taking hints.
posted by grouse at 5:14 AM on November 16, 2005

Cali absolutely has it.

I don't remember that line from Gone with the Wind at all.
posted by JanetLand at 5:21 AM on November 16, 2005

Cali has it. Keep it very simple and clean. It's not 'your' interest or job to give self-help info. Anything more than "this is not working" gets you involved with this person, when what you want is disengagement. Let them find a therapist elsewhere.
posted by Hobgoblin at 5:24 AM on November 16, 2005 [1 favorite]

Ditto. Honesty != frank outpourings. Just walk away.
posted by cribcage at 5:39 AM on November 16, 2005 [1 favorite]

"The chemistry isn't there." is one I like. It is actually more honest than giving out some specific reasons, because love isn't about one thing but the constelation of the two people working out together. Saying it that way is honest about the fact that the two of you don't work but that the elusive chemistry can be found for either of you with someone else. Once its clear that a romantic relationship is not possible, severing contact or maintaining it in a friendly fashion are both possible without opening the door.
posted by blueyellow at 5:41 AM on November 16, 2005 [1 favorite]

Once a girl broke up with me. I asked why. She said, "I'm sorry. I'm just not attracted to you." It really hurt. But I'm SO glad she said it.

I have no stomach for mystery. I'm not the type who would bother a girl in a conversation that went on for days, but I would definitely lose many nights of sleep to wondering why she broke up with me if she didn't tell me.

Still, I don't exactly disagree with Cali. Follow his advice if your main concern is for yourself; Follow the "be honest" advice if your concern is for him. I DO think there are ways to avoid a five-day conversation. You just have to be firm. "I've told you my reasons the best I can. I don't know why I don't find you attractive. I just don't. I'm sorry if you don't believe that. Now I'm going to end this conversation."
posted by grumblebee at 5:43 AM on November 16, 2005

presumably a woman is asking. how would you expect a man to reject your amorous advances in a way that didn't scar you for life? wouldn't exactly the same apply in this case?

sorry if i'm being way too politically correct for a giggle giggle thread, but the implicit assumption of asymmetry here bugs me.
posted by andrew cooke at 6:23 AM on November 16, 2005

As someone in the past who has pined too much for girls that weren't interested, and who sees friends do it still — be as clear and concise as possible leaving no doubt that you would ever be interested in going out with them. There's plenty of ways to say it and be nice, but don't leave a nail sticking out that they can hang their hope on.
posted by drezdn at 6:27 AM on November 16, 2005

I think what scars anyone for life is days, weeks and/or months of not being totally sure either a) what was happening or b) what the hell happened. My worst interactions or proto-relationships that didn't work out were cases in which me and the object of my affection seemed to be heading the same direction relationship-wise and just weren't. When we finally compared notes [usually through long protracted conversations that took too long] I often wondered what the hell had I been doing for the last few months. The worst cases are times when one of you thinks you are in a relationship and the other does not, and it goes on for a while. That's scarring.

In any case, to minimize scarring wrap things up neatly and quickly and eliminate all doubt. Deal with your own crap FIRST [assume you may not be able to be friends, assume the person may dislike or even despise you, assume you may get some bad attitude no matter how reasonable you are trying to be, assume the person may never want to see you again, alternately, think about what you'd do if they wanted to be friends, stay in touch, etc.] in your own head so that the conversation is just about imparting the "this is the end of this" information. If there are loose ends that need to be tied up ["What about the concert we are going to next week?"] have a plan for dealing with that all ready to go at the time so there don't have to be awkward phone calls/emails/ims at a later date.

goalyeehah, are you absolutely sure the woman you were speaking to on the phone wasn't trying to send you that message herself?
posted by jessamyn at 7:09 AM on November 16, 2005

I recently finally got up the courage to confess to a friend that I was crushing on him and his response was to say, "hmm, how flattering" and run away like his hair was on fire. Haven't heard from him since. And we were pals, damnit. So in that sense, I surely got the point, and yet it seems like such a cruddy way to do it. I've debated whether I'm better off, whether if we still palled around I would be pining (more than I already am) but I think it would have been more decent of him to at least try to keep the friend relationship going.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:27 AM on November 16, 2005

But on second thought, I would NOT have wanted all my hideous flaws enumerated.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:28 AM on November 16, 2005

If you are truly special, we are always scarred for life. Aren't you? Just be nice, firm and leave no doors open.
posted by caddis at 7:36 AM on November 16, 2005

When I was single, I would've preferred an email enumerating my faults. No normal person would want to give such a list in person or even over the phone, but it's not hard at all in email. It makes it really clear that it's over, but at least points the guy in the right direction. In my experience almost all women just cut off communication without any explanation, which makes it really hard to fix what's broke.
posted by jewzilla at 9:08 AM on November 16, 2005

Women are tricky. They say no, they mean yes. They say maybe, they mean no. They say no, they mean their brother the professional bouncer will visit you later and further emphasize the point.

I vote that you tell your friend to tell him what she doesn't like. This is problematic, the way many things are, in that he may correct these things and be back on Tuesday. This does happen. Or he may crawl away and cry like a baby. Impossible to tell. Not her responsibility to know. But telling him the truth is doing all women a favor. "Happy are they that hear their detractions and can put them to mending."

Also I would urge you to urge your friend to be careful. She may like him more than she realizes. He may become angry and stalkish...
posted by ewkpates at 9:53 AM on November 16, 2005

I think that the woman needs to just go for what she needs. If she is ambivalent, then BE ambivalent. But if she is sure that she does not want to get into the red zone with him, then be VERY clear and do NOTHING that will feed his (perceived) hopes and dreams.

I once had a new relationship, and the woman left for a week, and when she came back she stated that she wanted to "cancel our lovership."

Bizarre, yes. Painful, yes. Clear, definitely.
posted by Danf at 10:47 AM on November 16, 2005

Women are tricky. They say no, they mean yes.

I have never known a woman to do this in reality. Maybe they relent because they're wimps/value you as a friend/realize they're more desperate than they thought a month ago, but I've never heard of any of my friends or acquaintances to actually say the opposite of what she believes in such a situation.

I think men just are confused by the fact that women ever say no because they have low self-esteem, no confidence, and always say yes even when they should say no.
posted by dagnyscott at 12:07 PM on November 16, 2005

I've known women with plenty of self esteem, who still said no and meant yes. Sometimes this happens for the reasons you suggest. Sometimes it happens because they have imagined different romantic worlds then they find themselves actually in. Sometimes it happens because they haven't decided, really, what they want in a boyfriend, lover, fling, husband, and they don't want anyone to talk them into anything or make them decided.

It's very complicated. Any woman who wants a relationship can be gotten by any man who is really interested in her - not love struck, but actually interested in the person. Clark Gable has no shot with women who haven't figured out what they want yet.
posted by ewkpates at 12:25 PM on November 16, 2005

In giving reasons for rejection no one asked for a complete list of faults. For instance, if the problem is lack of attraction, than one can simply say that, rather than: "you're short, bald, and fat."

The most painful rejections for me were ones where the woman first expressed some interest and then broke things off very abruptly, without giving any reasons. In most of those cases, I was pretty sure that it wasn't my appearance that drove them away. So then I would spend days wondering what it could possibly have been.

For the afraid-of-spending-days-arguing crowd, it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. Give a simple honest reason for rejection, and leave it at that. If the other person starts to argue and plead, THEN become really firm and resort to "I'm sorry."
posted by epimorph at 1:15 PM on November 16, 2005

Well, as a man who was never any good at all at making "amorous advances" to women I can still say that had I ever summoned the confidence to do that I'd definitely have wanted a simple, honest reaction. "Not interested, mate" or "You're not my type" would have been fine. Better to know exactly where you stand.

Women are tricky. They say no, they mean yes.

generally I think that's sinister, creepy sexist nonsense. And even if there are rare women around who act in that offensive way you should always (and I mean always) assume a woman (or a man) means what she says. Especially if it's someone you're coming on to. To assume otherwise is to disrespect her.
posted by Decani at 3:10 PM on November 16, 2005