My family are not cats and resent being herded
December 17, 2014 1:21 AM Subscribe
My job (project manager) involves keeping track of lots of niggly details, checking up on everything and everyone regularly, delegating tasks, and planning ALL THE THINGS. Unfortunately, this tends to spill over to my personal life, where my family (SO, parents, inlaws) don't like being treated as human resources and would appreciate a more relaxed and carefree me. But lately I've been having problems with separation of work and home life, as relaxation at home comes with slipups at work, and increased productivity at work comes with more tasks done at home but also with arguments and fuming SOs. Help?
We have a toddler and I'm sure some of this is due to "mommy brain" (we're *not* sleeping peacefully the whole night and it shows), some of it is due to increased complexity of home life (doctor appointments, additional chores, daycare, etc.), some of it is due to increased anxiety brought on by taking care of another person (see the "default parent" thread on MeFi a while ago).
I could let go and not care what we'll be having for dinner tomorrow, but that means we'll end up eating sandwiches or grabing some fast food and that is not what I'd like to feed myself or my kid (or my SO, for that matter). And last week I was super-relaxed at home, but caused a major f*up at work as I misread something and didn't double-check it.
I'd really not choose between my job and my family, as I very much like both. How can I be more OCD at work and more zen at home?
We have a toddler and I'm sure some of this is due to "mommy brain" (we're *not* sleeping peacefully the whole night and it shows), some of it is due to increased complexity of home life (doctor appointments, additional chores, daycare, etc.), some of it is due to increased anxiety brought on by taking care of another person (see the "default parent" thread on MeFi a while ago).
I could let go and not care what we'll be having for dinner tomorrow, but that means we'll end up eating sandwiches or grabing some fast food and that is not what I'd like to feed myself or my kid (or my SO, for that matter). And last week I was super-relaxed at home, but caused a major f*up at work as I misread something and didn't double-check it.
I'd really not choose between my job and my family, as I very much like both. How can I be more OCD at work and more zen at home?
Like Etrigan suggests, you need some kind of transitional ritual to put you in the right mindset for each type of job you have (and yes, parent is a job.) I'm not a parent but I work from home at very strange hours and it's absolutely a struggle to combat that mental bleed-over. For work it's the act of getting myself a beverage (tea, sometimes just water) and adjusting the lighting in my office. For letting go of the hyperfocused mental state I need to be in to do my job properly (I essentially am an editor, so it's details, nothing but details), it varies but usually involves a change of clothes. So I don't know what your lifestyle will accommodate, but think about your options here. Maybe you have a few minutes alone in a car or on public transportation where you could listen to some music? Could you do some stretches at work before you leave? There's also something in simply consciously thinking about the transition.
It's interesting to me that your relaxed week led to a work mishap. I wonder if you're not falsely correlating. Anecdotally speaking a more relaxed home life ought to lead to more energy to focus at work. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes; are you sure you're not just trying to assign blame because you feel guilty?
Depending on your family relationships I wonder if you could use your job skills to ask them to help you out in letting go and trusting them. Maybe you could set up a way for them to communicate to you that they're getting tasks done that you'd like them to do (grocery shopping, followup with doctors, cleaning tasks...) without you having to check in constantly, like a shared online task list, or a shared calendar where you inlaws and parents can share their schedules with you? I think every family has at least one slightly nutty organizer, and I've found that technology is getting pretty good at making those family members regain a sense of trust. So if that's you, you've got to communicate, and ask for things, and explain that you'll be worrying, otherwise.
It sounds like you might be able to identify big stressors in your home life without including every minute thing too. Do you think you could have a talk with your SO about one or two of the big ones to figure out options to remove your need to always control them? Like, with the dinner thing, maybe you could make a weekly approximate meal plan and grocery list, but trust your SO to do the shopping, or set up grocery deliveries, or a lot more of the cooking than they are doing right now. And if it's not perfect, okay, but it's better than ordering them around and giving up and doing it all yourself, too.
It really just sounds like you're having a tough period, which by all accounts is totally normal with a toddler. The fact that you're asking this question shows that you're pretty self aware. I'm betting you'll adjust to this new time in your life before long.
posted by Mizu at 3:26 AM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's interesting to me that your relaxed week led to a work mishap. I wonder if you're not falsely correlating. Anecdotally speaking a more relaxed home life ought to lead to more energy to focus at work. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes; are you sure you're not just trying to assign blame because you feel guilty?
Depending on your family relationships I wonder if you could use your job skills to ask them to help you out in letting go and trusting them. Maybe you could set up a way for them to communicate to you that they're getting tasks done that you'd like them to do (grocery shopping, followup with doctors, cleaning tasks...) without you having to check in constantly, like a shared online task list, or a shared calendar where you inlaws and parents can share their schedules with you? I think every family has at least one slightly nutty organizer, and I've found that technology is getting pretty good at making those family members regain a sense of trust. So if that's you, you've got to communicate, and ask for things, and explain that you'll be worrying, otherwise.
It sounds like you might be able to identify big stressors in your home life without including every minute thing too. Do you think you could have a talk with your SO about one or two of the big ones to figure out options to remove your need to always control them? Like, with the dinner thing, maybe you could make a weekly approximate meal plan and grocery list, but trust your SO to do the shopping, or set up grocery deliveries, or a lot more of the cooking than they are doing right now. And if it's not perfect, okay, but it's better than ordering them around and giving up and doing it all yourself, too.
It really just sounds like you're having a tough period, which by all accounts is totally normal with a toddler. The fact that you're asking this question shows that you're pretty self aware. I'm betting you'll adjust to this new time in your life before long.
posted by Mizu at 3:26 AM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, keeping things organized at home is a good thing, especially with a toddler in the mix. I don't think you should throw all that out of the window. But, ideally, having all the household things under control would have your family less stressed, not more, right? Which makes me think it's not necessarily your desire to keep things organized that's causing tension, but the way you approach that organization. Do you get irritable when your SO isn't right on schedule? Do you zoom around at a frantic pace, derailing at the slightest interruption? Do phrases like "putting out fires" or "running around like a chicken with its head cut off" describe your day? If so, yep, time to change your mindset.
If you feel like you're always battling chaos, or you're in the role of the family police, try thinking of your work as creating harmony, instead. The beauty of organization is that, ideally, it makes things easier for future you and the people you work/live with. Household chaos is the default for most families, not a failure on your part. Reframe your desire to organize as a way to save time, energy, and stress for all of you. If there's something you're doing that creates more stress than it eliminates - say, folding underwear - reevaluate whether it's worth doing at all. Ask your loved ones if there's anything they view as unnecessary. From time to time, imagine yourself as an outside consultant, reviewing what practices work, what can be set aside, and what isn't your responsibility. You might have to let some seemingly huge things go - it'll be nervewracking in the short run, but you'll feel better when you get used to it.
You may also need to reevaluate how you feel and act when you're in management mode. Every few minutes, stop and notice if you're tensing up - you probably are and you don't know it. Unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, close your eyes and slowly breathe in and out five times. When you're interrupted, or when you feel yourself getting irritated at a family member, count to ten before saying anything. Figure out how to respond in a way that diffuses tension rather than amplifying it. And, even though it's totally a cliché, yoga can help. Ditto other self-care practices: long walks, bubble baths, extra sleep, whatever helps you relax. You've got to keep yourself maintained, too.
The good news is that all of this applies to your work, too. You don't have to imagine yourself as two different people.
(As an aside, I have OCD, and it has pretty much nothing to do with hyper-organization. I'm not offended by people using it casually in this sense, but it's so different from the clinical definition that I tend to get a bit pedantic about it.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:17 AM on December 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
If you feel like you're always battling chaos, or you're in the role of the family police, try thinking of your work as creating harmony, instead. The beauty of organization is that, ideally, it makes things easier for future you and the people you work/live with. Household chaos is the default for most families, not a failure on your part. Reframe your desire to organize as a way to save time, energy, and stress for all of you. If there's something you're doing that creates more stress than it eliminates - say, folding underwear - reevaluate whether it's worth doing at all. Ask your loved ones if there's anything they view as unnecessary. From time to time, imagine yourself as an outside consultant, reviewing what practices work, what can be set aside, and what isn't your responsibility. You might have to let some seemingly huge things go - it'll be nervewracking in the short run, but you'll feel better when you get used to it.
You may also need to reevaluate how you feel and act when you're in management mode. Every few minutes, stop and notice if you're tensing up - you probably are and you don't know it. Unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, close your eyes and slowly breathe in and out five times. When you're interrupted, or when you feel yourself getting irritated at a family member, count to ten before saying anything. Figure out how to respond in a way that diffuses tension rather than amplifying it. And, even though it's totally a cliché, yoga can help. Ditto other self-care practices: long walks, bubble baths, extra sleep, whatever helps you relax. You've got to keep yourself maintained, too.
The good news is that all of this applies to your work, too. You don't have to imagine yourself as two different people.
(As an aside, I have OCD, and it has pretty much nothing to do with hyper-organization. I'm not offended by people using it casually in this sense, but it's so different from the clinical definition that I tend to get a bit pedantic about it.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:17 AM on December 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
Let stuff go at home. Sandwiches for dinner sometimes is fine. Fast food for dinner is fine. Slabs cut off a frozen lasagne are fine if you heat them first.
Take some of the pressure off yourself at home. My friend has a great trick for adjusting her expectations: she asks herself, "would a good dad worry about this?" It makes it easier to ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ off some of the headcake around being THE MOM.
Credentials: Mom of two kids, full-time-plus job, ADHD, high anxiety, perpetual ear worm of "Let it go."
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 5:21 AM on December 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Take some of the pressure off yourself at home. My friend has a great trick for adjusting her expectations: she asks herself, "would a good dad worry about this?" It makes it easier to ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ off some of the headcake around being THE MOM.
Credentials: Mom of two kids, full-time-plus job, ADHD, high anxiety, perpetual ear worm of "Let it go."
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 5:21 AM on December 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Your project teams at work don't function because of your micromanaging -- they function because you put together a high-quality team; there is clear and open communication; you agree on clear goals, objectives, and performance metrics; and then everyone has the space to do their work with regular check-ins and adaptive management. Honestly that sounds like a fine basis for a family partnership also, as long as you remember that there is not hierarchy of power between you and your partner. Are you sure the problem is having work bleed over, and not that you are approaching a very real management problem with the wrong tools and techniques?
posted by Dip Flash at 5:42 AM on December 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 5:42 AM on December 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
I have had to let go of things that are worky outside of work - I have to solve the things that I NEED to solve to stay sane, but otherwise, I have found it's very, very useful to distinguish between "my circus, my monkeys" and "not my circus, not my monkeys" as a form of mindfulness. Am I solving this because I actually need to solve it or am I solving it out of a compulsion to solve things? Because I'm a PM and I for sure have that problem.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:39 AM on December 17, 2014
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:39 AM on December 17, 2014
I wonder if maybe it would help to sit down with your SO (and anyone else who is sharing household tasks? I'm not clear from this question how your parents and inlaws factor in) and have an organizational meeting to try and figure out some home routines that might help things run smoother with less nagging/fights on your part.
For example, perhaps you are in charge of meal planning, he's in charge of grocery shopping, and then you cook Monday - Weds - Thurs and he cooks Tues - Fri - Sat with a leftovers day on Sunday? Or whatever division of labor here makes the most sense for your family. Then give it some time and trust whatever is delegated to be delegated. Yes, sandwiches for dinner sometimes is a totally fine thing! Be okay with letting go of some control and letting hubby's tasks be hubby's tasks while you take care of whatever is on your list. Key to this arrangement is, I think, being on board as to what the shared priorities are (making sure kid gets to the doctor = top priority, a completely clean shower = low priority, or however you think of things), and then those shared priorities guide joint decision making that both of you feel invested in. If there are things you guys really disagree on (i.e. homemade meals = high priority for you, but hubby would be happy with takeout every night), try to discuss it, talk about why there are differences, why it's important to you, and try to come to a fair compromise rather than dictating. I feel like too often women fall into this role of saying "Well, obviously my standards about all things to do with the home are the correct standards, and anyone who doesn't fall in line is clearly lazy/bad/doesn't care about anything." But, it's just having different priorities, and these should be things you can discuss and come to a shared agreement on.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:41 AM on December 17, 2014
For example, perhaps you are in charge of meal planning, he's in charge of grocery shopping, and then you cook Monday - Weds - Thurs and he cooks Tues - Fri - Sat with a leftovers day on Sunday? Or whatever division of labor here makes the most sense for your family. Then give it some time and trust whatever is delegated to be delegated. Yes, sandwiches for dinner sometimes is a totally fine thing! Be okay with letting go of some control and letting hubby's tasks be hubby's tasks while you take care of whatever is on your list. Key to this arrangement is, I think, being on board as to what the shared priorities are (making sure kid gets to the doctor = top priority, a completely clean shower = low priority, or however you think of things), and then those shared priorities guide joint decision making that both of you feel invested in. If there are things you guys really disagree on (i.e. homemade meals = high priority for you, but hubby would be happy with takeout every night), try to discuss it, talk about why there are differences, why it's important to you, and try to come to a fair compromise rather than dictating. I feel like too often women fall into this role of saying "Well, obviously my standards about all things to do with the home are the correct standards, and anyone who doesn't fall in line is clearly lazy/bad/doesn't care about anything." But, it's just having different priorities, and these should be things you can discuss and come to a shared agreement on.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:41 AM on December 17, 2014
I use place to shift between the two mindsets. I do worky stuff at work and chill at home. I even stay late to do worky home stuff after hours or over lunch (like making appointments or scheduling a family vacation). Then I leave that mindset at work. That may or may not work for you.
posted by slidell at 4:28 PM on December 17, 2014
posted by slidell at 4:28 PM on December 17, 2014
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So do something that divides Work Gakiko and Home Gakiko.
Also, don't underestimate the power of apologizing in the moment. Every now and then, say to your SO (or whomever), "Wait, hold on, I'm sorry. I was being Work Gakiko again. Can we start this conversation over?"
posted by Etrigan at 2:52 AM on December 17, 2014 [5 favorites]