I mean.... I just don't want to talk to you anymore?
December 15, 2014 10:20 AM   Subscribe

I've tried to slow fade a friendship, but the slow fade doesn't seem to be working.

It's been nearly five months since I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends someone (Mr. You TOLD Me That You Wanted A Coke), and I haven't answered any of his phone calls or texts since them, but he still hasn't stopped calling and texting. I often pass him on the street (he spends a lot of time hanging out on the side of the road) and don't stop to chat. Sometimes, though, he'll manage to corner me, and ask things like "Why don't you pick up my calls? How about I stop by in a few minutes?" I always respond with some iteration of "I'm busy" but he still doesn't seem to get it. I'm not sure what to do. Am I supposed to send him an email telling him why I hate him? I could do that, but it seems, at the very best, junior high behavior, and at worst, unnecessarily mean. I just want him to leave me alone, because I don't want to be friends with him at all. We're completely friendship incompatible. Everything about him grates on all of my sensibilities. He's It's not even like we were friends for very long- less than the amount of time that I've been trying to slow fade him. Is there anything I can or should say? Should I say anything at all?
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper to Human Relations (28 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
"I don't want to be friends any more. We don't have anything in common. Please leave me alone."

Yeah, it sounds mean and will probably make you feel bad. But a guy like this clearly cannot take a hint and you don't like him anyway. He'll get over it.
posted by something something at 10:22 AM on December 15, 2014 [11 favorites]


You're worried that telling this guy what's up will be mean, but the slow fade is actually a lot meaner. Just rip off the Band-Aid instead of dragging him through this any longer. Next time he invites you out, just respond with a quick "Thanks for thinking of me, but I don't want to be friends anymore. Let's just go our own way. Best of luck!" It's unfair of you to expect him to read your mind - after all, you could just be busy. Do him one last kindness of telling him the truth.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:29 AM on December 15, 2014 [8 favorites]


The fade out didn't work for me once. I ended up having sending her a message saying something along the lines of how the friendship has run its course and the things that our friendship was based around no longer exist, have a good life.

If you go this route expect this guy to be an ass about it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:31 AM on December 15, 2014 [14 favorites]


If you think the guy will be a tool - I certainly think he will - you can always block his number and email right after you send your polite-but-succinct farewell message. That's always felt a little cold to me, but it is one of the steps in my Personal Friend-Dumping Checklist.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:33 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]


As awful as it may seem, you have to be straight up with the guy and come right out and say "I don't want to be friends." You are not required to give an explanation. For whatever reason, he's not picking up on the "Not Interested" cues you are giving him. If he keeps up contact after this, delete, block, etc.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:33 AM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


Next time you get an email or text from him, write back, "I'd rather not. Please don't ask me out again, our friendship has run its course." Then block six different ways from Sunday.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:35 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]


I think you need to compose some break-up lines to drop the next time you are forced to talk to him.

"I need some space right now. I've got a lot going on."
posted by bq at 10:35 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]


Yeah, like PuppetMcSockerson, I had to do the same. Expect to hear gaslighting comments like "oh actually I don't want to be friends with you anymore and I was hoping that my slow fade on you was working, it's too bad you emailed me to make a thing out of it" in response. Don't let this dude make you question yourself if he replies like that, which is essentially the message I got in reply from my ex-friend. It is par for the course for manipulative people. This is not a conversation; don't reply to anything he says in return.
posted by sockermom at 10:38 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]


Step 1 is to just block his number and email address.
Step 2 is to find a new way to get home.
posted by empath at 10:38 AM on December 15, 2014 [5 favorites]


I actually had someone send me an e-mail telling me why she hated me once. It made me feel terrible, and it also made me feel terrible that she’d been hating me for a long period when I thought we were friends.

So tell him that you aren’t interested in maintaining your friendship. If he persists, use the broken record technique and just repeat yourself, using the same words.
posted by metasarah at 10:41 AM on December 15, 2014 [5 favorites]


What country are you in? Knowing that could help answer the question.

In some parts of the world all men (and in some parts of the world some men) feel like any hint of civility -- even making eye contact -- indicates that a woman wants to get together with them. Telling one of these people "I'm busy now" gets interpreted as "not now but later".

The appropriate way to tell this guy to buzz off will vary depending on where you are located. So it would be helpful to know that. I believe from your previous question it is not the US.
posted by alms at 10:45 AM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


"I need some space right now. I've got a lot going on."

No, no. This will be taken as, LATER I won't need more space, LATER I won't have a lot going on, so keep trying.
posted by thelonius at 10:45 AM on December 15, 2014 [25 favorites]


I like bq's suggestion: "I need some space right now. I've got a lot going on." And just continue saying that if he asks again. Yep, block his number. You don't owe him anything and if he continues to bug you if you've told him you need space, then escalate.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 10:46 AM on December 15, 2014


Don't tell him ambiguously. "I need some space right now" to someone who has been so persistent just opens you up to the "occasional" check-in or drop-in just to see how you're doing.

No, you need to be clear without being specific. Don't tell him that you find him annoying or whatever. But do tell him that you aren't interested in continuing to be friends with him. Don't engage him further. Block him on social media. Any more information than that is needlessly hurtful. Any less means you'll see more of the same from him.
posted by inturnaround at 10:51 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]


Yeah, the "right now" thing is nice in theory but in practice someone who is already ignoring the obvious social cues of a fade-away just simply can't be given even a sliver of a window of chance to be in your life. "I've got a lot going on right now" is pretty much what you're already doing with your actions. "I am sorry, but our friendship doesn't work for me any longer. Please stop contacting me. I appreciate you respecting this choice I have made, and I wish you all the best." - that's the type of short, clear message that is most likely to be effective with a person like this. "I've got a lot going on right now" just leaves the window open for texts and emails and cornering in the future.
posted by sockermom at 10:51 AM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


While you don't need to contact him again, if you feel that it might help send you could send one final message. Something like "I thought my actions indicated I wanted to be left alone by you, but since they haven't let me be direct: please stop trying to contact me. While I'm sorry if you are hurt by this I hope you will understand. I don't wish to discuss this further and this will be the last time I respond." The important thing if you do reply is to not provide anything he can argue against nor anything that could be construed as a possible opening in the future for him to contact you. He'll probably want to know "why" or "what did I do?" but you don't owe him an explanation. If you try to explain he'll just argue with you. He won't have an epiphany and go "I get it now, sorry" and move on.

Whether or not you send that message: no longer reply to him, in person or otherwise, no matter what. If he approaches you: ignore him as if he wasn't there. If he corners you: push past him, silently. If he escalates and/or you feel frightened by him: contact the relevant authorities and ask them what your options are to get him to stop.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds at best aggravating and at worst scary that someone can ignore your lack of interest to this degree.
posted by Green With You at 10:59 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]


Agree with those who've said that "I need some space right now" is not the best option, given his behavior.

I've been on the other side of this; a friend wanted to break up with me and sent me email telling me so, in as nice a way as possible under the circumstances (I think the phrase he used was "We just need to let it go," but I suspect your ex-friend needs something a bit more strongly phrased than that.) I hated it and was terribly upset for quite a while, but in retrospect I'm glad he did that rather than trying to drag it out or giving me the impression that he was leaving the door open when he really wasn't.
posted by holborne at 10:59 AM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


A hearty and loud "Look, we don't get along, I don't want to get along, I'm just a bitch, now leave me the fuck alone, forever" would work wonders.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:59 AM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: @ alms- I am in French-speaking West Africa, but he knows that I'm not even remotely interested in him in "that" way, and I don't think he is in me at all either.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 11:03 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]


The next time he talks to you, sounds like he'll be asking some form of accusatory question. (because that's the way he is) Answer it, gently but firmly.

Why didn't I pick up your call? Well, I just didn't feel I had a lot to say to you. I don't feel that our acquaintance can lead to a meaningful friendship, so I don't want to take up your time, or mine. So I haven't answered your calls.

Also notice that he's wrong-footing you by accusing you, and implying that you're in the wrong, making you defensive. Flip that over onto him. Why didn't I pick up your call - dude, why have you kept calling?
posted by aimedwander at 11:15 AM on December 15, 2014 [8 favorites]


I am in French-speaking West Africa

I revise my advice. Be direct.
posted by bq at 12:34 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]


I've tried to slow fade a friendship,,,

No you have not. There is nothing slow about simply ceasing to return his calls or emails. You've cold turkey friend-dumped him. He's not nutsy-cuckoo for asking why. A selection of the above answers are fine but you need to be straight with him -- don't tell him you're busy, tell him you don't want to be friends.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:39 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


I will suggest you not use any of the ambiguous excuses that imply "It's not you, it's situational." Some people (like me) will give you the benefit of the doubt and other people will just not realize you are trying to nicely dump them and take it literally and keep trying because they feel it's the nice thing to do to accommodate your busy schedule when you obviously want to be friends.

I would also be disinclined to say "I don't want to be friends anymore." That may suggest to him more of a connection than you ever felt to begin with. I would also be disinclined to say "I don't want to be friends." I think that is too directly rejecting and creates unnecessary drama. I would try to go with something like "We just don't have a lot in common. I see no point in pursuing a friendship." In other words, be direct about the fact that this a non-starter for you but try to not make it overly personally rejecting. Because it ups the ante and some folks will be very grudging about that and unable to let it go and have some need to get revenge or prove you wrong or something.

Also, yeah, you haven't been doing the slow fade. And that's part of why you are getting push back here. You just kind of dumped him and he noticed. Now you need to explain yourself. Try to do so in a way that doesn't provoke him, if at all possible. But own up to "Look, I am just not really interested in hanging out with you."

Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:33 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


Tell him using whatever script works for you, but dont apologise. You have nothing to feel sorry about.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:35 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


@ alms- I am in French-speaking West Africa

This is one of those things where you really should have said this up front. What you're dealing with here are expectations around politeness and reciprocity and that's about as culturally dependent as a question can get.
posted by empath at 1:49 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]


I wouldn't even making any references to a friendship or relationship you guys ever have. Just say something like, I don't wish to continue associating with you anymore, please do not contact me. Then block him on all platforms if he does contact you.

Sounds cold but after reading about him in your other post, I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
posted by hejrat at 6:47 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


I infer from your previous post that you have a problem with communication, or at least making yourself understood. Tell the person you're not interested in having anything to do with them and would like to be left alone. Anyone in West Africa would pick the cue in no uncertain terms.
posted by Kwadeng at 2:29 AM on December 16, 2014


And if you are a woman, then I imagine local gender norms may be playing into this too (e.g., 'women don't need to be taken seriously').
posted by obliterati at 9:20 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


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