My sister constantly asks me if I'm okay
December 12, 2014 6:38 PM Subscribe
I know she has my best in mind but she is constantly asking me if everything is okay.
My sister is a few years older than me. We are both in our late twenties. She is a SAHM and doesn't have many friends or hobbies.
She is constantly asking me if I'm okay, or if anything is wrong, without instigation or suggestion that something might be wrong. I realize this sounds really vague, or maybe it sounds like my sister just really cares and I'm being a brat. However, it just drives me insane! Yes! I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be?! Ugh!!
Examples:
me [over text]: Hey call me when you get a chance
sis [texts back]: I'm driving home from the store with [husband]. will call you later. everything okay?
I was just calling to ask what to get her kids for christmas.
example 2
me: have you talked to mom lately?
sis: yeah, shes really busy at work. is everything okay?
Just was wondering if my mom was back from her vacation, as I wasn't able to reach her a few times.
example 3:
me: hey, I'm going to have to change the dates for my christmas visit. might need to stay an extra day at your place. I hope that works, let me know if it doesnt!
sis: no problem! you can stay as long as you need to. is everything okay?
bus fare was way cheaper if I left the next day
As you can read, all my reasons for contacting her were totally innocuous and the conversation didn't even suggest the tiniest bit that something was amiss. And yes, this is almost every conversation we have. Generally, I live a pretty uneventful life. It has to have been at least two years since the last time I've called her crying (after being dumped...)
may be relevant: My sister used to contact me primarily about the hardships and shortcomings of her life. This was frustrating and suffocating for me, as I felt like the only thing I heard from her was doom and gloom. A typical convo would go like this:
sister: man, I'm getting sick again! I can't believe this. My throat is all raw
me: Wow that's really terrible. Have you made a doctor's appointment?
sister: no, I can't afford it. My insurance is shit. I'll just have to be sick.
me: have you looked into public assistance?
etc etc
At the suggestion of my therapist, I've stopped feeding into her victimization trap and instead of trying to solve her problem, I just empathize ["Wow, that must feel really terrible to be sick a lot."]
Why does this irk me to my core? How do I get her to stop? I never know what to say and I've found myself just ignoring these messages all together, which makes me feel terrible. I've tried being subtle about it ["Of course, why wouldn't I be?" to which she responds "Oh I was just making sure/just asking."] I'm an adult, and have been living on my own for years now. Are my texts/communications too open ended? Am I inadvertently leaving cliff-hangers for my perpetually anxiety-ridden sister?
I won't being seeing my therapist for a few weeks and could use some suggestions to quell the onslaught of this kind of attention from her. It's seriously making me rage-y and angry at her! :(
My sister is a few years older than me. We are both in our late twenties. She is a SAHM and doesn't have many friends or hobbies.
She is constantly asking me if I'm okay, or if anything is wrong, without instigation or suggestion that something might be wrong. I realize this sounds really vague, or maybe it sounds like my sister just really cares and I'm being a brat. However, it just drives me insane! Yes! I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be?! Ugh!!
Examples:
me [over text]: Hey call me when you get a chance
sis [texts back]: I'm driving home from the store with [husband]. will call you later. everything okay?
I was just calling to ask what to get her kids for christmas.
example 2
me: have you talked to mom lately?
sis: yeah, shes really busy at work. is everything okay?
Just was wondering if my mom was back from her vacation, as I wasn't able to reach her a few times.
example 3:
me: hey, I'm going to have to change the dates for my christmas visit. might need to stay an extra day at your place. I hope that works, let me know if it doesnt!
sis: no problem! you can stay as long as you need to. is everything okay?
bus fare was way cheaper if I left the next day
As you can read, all my reasons for contacting her were totally innocuous and the conversation didn't even suggest the tiniest bit that something was amiss. And yes, this is almost every conversation we have. Generally, I live a pretty uneventful life. It has to have been at least two years since the last time I've called her crying (after being dumped...)
may be relevant: My sister used to contact me primarily about the hardships and shortcomings of her life. This was frustrating and suffocating for me, as I felt like the only thing I heard from her was doom and gloom. A typical convo would go like this:
sister: man, I'm getting sick again! I can't believe this. My throat is all raw
me: Wow that's really terrible. Have you made a doctor's appointment?
sister: no, I can't afford it. My insurance is shit. I'll just have to be sick.
me: have you looked into public assistance?
etc etc
At the suggestion of my therapist, I've stopped feeding into her victimization trap and instead of trying to solve her problem, I just empathize ["Wow, that must feel really terrible to be sick a lot."]
Why does this irk me to my core? How do I get her to stop? I never know what to say and I've found myself just ignoring these messages all together, which makes me feel terrible. I've tried being subtle about it ["Of course, why wouldn't I be?" to which she responds "Oh I was just making sure/just asking."] I'm an adult, and have been living on my own for years now. Are my texts/communications too open ended? Am I inadvertently leaving cliff-hangers for my perpetually anxiety-ridden sister?
I won't being seeing my therapist for a few weeks and could use some suggestions to quell the onslaught of this kind of attention from her. It's seriously making me rage-y and angry at her! :(
To be honest, at least in your examples - particularly the first two - I could easily see asking the same thing; the way to head this off is to explain in the moment why you're asking.
"Hey, call me when you have a chance because I'd like to know what to buy your kids for Christmas!"
"Have you talked to Mom lately? Is she back from vacation? Tried calling her just to chat but didn't get an answer from her."
"Bus tickets are way cheaper if I stay an extra day at your place - is that inconvenient for you?"
posted by vegartanipla at 6:45 PM on December 12, 2014 [22 favorites]
"Hey, call me when you have a chance because I'd like to know what to buy your kids for Christmas!"
"Have you talked to Mom lately? Is she back from vacation? Tried calling her just to chat but didn't get an answer from her."
"Bus tickets are way cheaper if I stay an extra day at your place - is that inconvenient for you?"
posted by vegartanipla at 6:45 PM on December 12, 2014 [22 favorites]
I think your texts are too open ended! This is primarily your fault!!
"What can I get the kids for Christmas? Please call when you have time to talk!"
"I'm sure Mom is OK, but I haven't been able to get through. Have you talked with her lately?"
----
You're taking advantage of text messaging by being waaaaaay to brief. Try explaining your reasons as you reach out. Take the mystery out of it for her.
posted by jbenben at 6:46 PM on December 12, 2014 [19 favorites]
"What can I get the kids for Christmas? Please call when you have time to talk!"
"I'm sure Mom is OK, but I haven't been able to get through. Have you talked with her lately?"
----
You're taking advantage of text messaging by being waaaaaay to brief. Try explaining your reasons as you reach out. Take the mystery out of it for her.
posted by jbenben at 6:46 PM on December 12, 2014 [19 favorites]
Examples one and two could plausibly be read as a lead-in to the delivery of some kind of bad news. Some people's minds just go there, even if the odds are good that bad news isn't in the offing. Example 3, you seem to be kind of coy about why you need to change the dates. Again, she may be reading the wrong thing between the lines.
In general, maybe just tell yourself to treat it as her variation of "how are you?" -- not a literal question, just a social nicety.
posted by axiom at 6:47 PM on December 12, 2014 [7 favorites]
In general, maybe just tell yourself to treat it as her variation of "how are you?" -- not a literal question, just a social nicety.
posted by axiom at 6:47 PM on December 12, 2014 [7 favorites]
I'm an "Is everything okay?" person, though hopefully the people I do it too aren't annoyed by it. I can see how it would be frustrating. I think for me there's an immediacy aspect to text and for people who don't normally text me to say something that sounds like something might be wrong, I keep feeling like I'm supposed to be picking up on some "There is a problem and I'd like you to ask about it" thing that they are downplaying. And I'm sort of clueless, so I ask. So in your examples
- "call me when you get a chance"
my thinking: What is up? Why didn't they just call me? Are they trying to be polite about something but would like me to contact them as soon as possible? I should find out?
- "Have you talked to mom lately"
my thinking: this exact thing happens to me and I'm presuming the text is trying to soft pedal BAD NEWS ABOUT MOM
- "plans have changed... details"
my thinking: huh I wonder what happened, I hope it wasn't a big deal and someone didn't bail on her I'd like to be supportive
So I think maybe the way to head this off is adding the "Hey things are good but give me a call to talk xmas gifts" "I can't get ahold of mom, do you know if she's around today so I can ask about blablabla" "I changed my dates b/c of cheaper tix, can I stay with you Friday?"
This is not to say that you are being cryptic, but that there's clearly a disconnect between what you think you're communicating and what your sister is hearing. This could totally be because she's awful but if you want to head it off at the pass, you can probably add more details and skip a lot of that. Of course, annoying family people often find new ways to be annoying to you, but I think this one may be easier than most to tamp down with some small moderations on your part.
posted by jessamyn at 6:49 PM on December 12, 2014 [11 favorites]
- "call me when you get a chance"
my thinking: What is up? Why didn't they just call me? Are they trying to be polite about something but would like me to contact them as soon as possible? I should find out?
- "Have you talked to mom lately"
my thinking: this exact thing happens to me and I'm presuming the text is trying to soft pedal BAD NEWS ABOUT MOM
- "plans have changed... details"
my thinking: huh I wonder what happened, I hope it wasn't a big deal and someone didn't bail on her I'd like to be supportive
So I think maybe the way to head this off is adding the "Hey things are good but give me a call to talk xmas gifts" "I can't get ahold of mom, do you know if she's around today so I can ask about blablabla" "I changed my dates b/c of cheaper tix, can I stay with you Friday?"
This is not to say that you are being cryptic, but that there's clearly a disconnect between what you think you're communicating and what your sister is hearing. This could totally be because she's awful but if you want to head it off at the pass, you can probably add more details and skip a lot of that. Of course, annoying family people often find new ways to be annoying to you, but I think this one may be easier than most to tamp down with some small moderations on your part.
posted by jessamyn at 6:49 PM on December 12, 2014 [11 favorites]
"Call me when you get a chance" and "Have you talked to mom lately?" are both really ominous, honestly. They're the kind of open-ended questions, like "We need to talk," that signifies that you need to discuss something so serious it can only be done over direct phone contact or in person. Head off your sister's anxiety by giving her more details about what you're asking about so your texts don't sound like portends of doom.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:49 PM on December 12, 2014 [59 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:49 PM on December 12, 2014 [59 favorites]
I agree with the above.. I was all ready to be like "uggh I totally get it, I hate people who constantly ask that too!!", until I read your examples.. any time I get a text with nothing more than "can you please call me," my immediate reaction is "Oh god what's wrong."
Seems like you might realize that type of check-in from your sister might be forthcoming when you initiate contact though.. it could be so easy head it off at the pass by being less vague in your initial contact.
(had I previewed I'd not have made it three posts in a row with a variation of the phrase "head it off"...)
posted by wats at 6:50 PM on December 12, 2014 [7 favorites]
Seems like you might realize that type of check-in from your sister might be forthcoming when you initiate contact though.. it could be so easy head it off at the pass by being less vague in your initial contact.
(had I previewed I'd not have made it three posts in a row with a variation of the phrase "head it off"...)
posted by wats at 6:50 PM on December 12, 2014 [7 favorites]
To expand, many people think it's best to give bad news in person or at least in live conversation and will send the type of brief, mysterious messages you're sending until they can reach you. So "call me when you have a chance" with no further explanation could just as easily be read into as "...because your childhood pet is sick" or something else upsetting. Ditto with "have you talked with Mom lately... because she's not been sleeping and sent $5000 to a spammer in Kenya."
posted by vegartanipla at 6:50 PM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by vegartanipla at 6:50 PM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
Your texts and communications are too open ended. Anyone that tells me to call later, I am going to ask if everything is OK, because it sounds like something is wrong that you want to talk about, but you don't want to be an interruption to life. Is your sister truly anxiety ridden, or are you projecting that on to her? Her responses seem completely normal, and you seem to be a bit anxious about your interactions with her. Use the examples that others gave as a guide to communicating with more specificity with her, and this will get better.
posted by kellyblah at 6:50 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by kellyblah at 6:50 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Just wanted to clarify that this 'is everything okay?' thing is new. I don't believe I've changed my communication style recently. And she will also send texts of the "hey call me when you're off work" (for example) and we will talk about xyz random stuff.
But thank you for the replies to far. I guess I didn't realize that my texts were so open-ended, mysterious, and ominous. I don't immediately think the worst of things, so I guess it never really occurred to me how these texts might sounds! Yikes!
posted by eggs at 6:53 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
But thank you for the replies to far. I guess I didn't realize that my texts were so open-ended, mysterious, and ominous. I don't immediately think the worst of things, so I guess it never really occurred to me how these texts might sounds! Yikes!
posted by eggs at 6:53 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Perhaps someone else has recently entered her life who communicates like this for bad news? Primed her, so to speak. Or perhaps she's more anxious than usual right now and seeing more in the shadows than she used to? Either way, I think if you're clearer about the innocuousness of your communications it'll end.
posted by vegartanipla at 7:02 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by vegartanipla at 7:02 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
For a slightly different take, she may be feeling very busy/stressed/something recently and she doesn't really want to talk to you unless it's REALLY important. I realize this puts a more negative spin on this but it's what came to mind.
posted by Glinn at 7:11 PM on December 12, 2014
posted by Glinn at 7:11 PM on December 12, 2014
Best answer: Why does this irk me to my core?
I can throw out a few Pop Psychology 101 hypothetical answers to this question.
Theory #1: Maybe you guys had kind of an overachiever-underachiever relationship. You shifted that dynamic by ceasing to solve her problems, instead sympathizing and assuming she can capably solve her own problems. (Great job with that, by the way!) Now, she's acting as though you might have problems that she needs to help you solve, and that's messing with your ego as The Person Who Solves The Problems (even though it's arguably progress in the relationship). While you were happy to no longer be solving her problems, this reversal wherein she tries to position you as the problem-haver and herself as the problem-solver, might be a bit too much too fast for you. (So the theory might go.)
Theory #2: Even though you're no longer rushing to solve her emergencies, she still likes to bond via emergencies, and you're just burned out to the max with the dynamic of OMG Emergency! You are like "what the heck? I figured out how to separate myself from your emergencies and now you're projecting emergencies onto my life!? how do I separate myself from these imaginary emergencies?" Maybe you are just like "can we not just chill way way out and have non-problem-oriented conversations?"
Why do YOU think it irks you to the core?
posted by salvia at 7:12 PM on December 12, 2014 [9 favorites]
I can throw out a few Pop Psychology 101 hypothetical answers to this question.
Theory #1: Maybe you guys had kind of an overachiever-underachiever relationship. You shifted that dynamic by ceasing to solve her problems, instead sympathizing and assuming she can capably solve her own problems. (Great job with that, by the way!) Now, she's acting as though you might have problems that she needs to help you solve, and that's messing with your ego as The Person Who Solves The Problems (even though it's arguably progress in the relationship). While you were happy to no longer be solving her problems, this reversal wherein she tries to position you as the problem-haver and herself as the problem-solver, might be a bit too much too fast for you. (So the theory might go.)
Theory #2: Even though you're no longer rushing to solve her emergencies, she still likes to bond via emergencies, and you're just burned out to the max with the dynamic of OMG Emergency! You are like "what the heck? I figured out how to separate myself from your emergencies and now you're projecting emergencies onto my life!? how do I separate myself from these imaginary emergencies?" Maybe you are just like "can we not just chill way way out and have non-problem-oriented conversations?"
Why do YOU think it irks you to the core?
posted by salvia at 7:12 PM on December 12, 2014 [9 favorites]
When I became a mom, I started the brain of looking out for things to be wrong. Is the kid getting enough to eat, sleep, is s/he pooping on schedule, etc. And then my brain just starting looking for things. So if she is a stay-at-home-mom (I hate the acronym!), she might just be in that mode.
And yes, she is looking for more communication from you. Vague texts are always a bad thing for a vigilant mother! You could be sick! Mom could be sick! The thing might need to be done! She is being pulled in many different directions, so anything you can do to be more clear and friendly and loving would be fantastic.
"Hey Sis! I want to know what to get your kids for presents. Send me an email when you have time."
Acknowledges her as an adult (your Sis). And that you are doing something for her kids (nice sibling), and mindful that she has other obligations (time).
I also used to have problems with one of my brothers when I was trying to get empathy from him, so I am a bit weirded out by your example of her being a victim over being sick with no healthcare. Because that is totally something that I would be all "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?" sort of thing. And he was like, "argh! well I had to tough it up and so should you!" But... now we get along fine, years later.
Sibling stuff can be really weird, I agree. But either you get through it or you don't. Now that my parents are both dead, I have a really close relationship with the one I used to fight with the most, and a somewhat okay relationship with the other two. YMMV.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:24 PM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
And yes, she is looking for more communication from you. Vague texts are always a bad thing for a vigilant mother! You could be sick! Mom could be sick! The thing might need to be done! She is being pulled in many different directions, so anything you can do to be more clear and friendly and loving would be fantastic.
"Hey Sis! I want to know what to get your kids for presents. Send me an email when you have time."
Acknowledges her as an adult (your Sis). And that you are doing something for her kids (nice sibling), and mindful that she has other obligations (time).
I also used to have problems with one of my brothers when I was trying to get empathy from him, so I am a bit weirded out by your example of her being a victim over being sick with no healthcare. Because that is totally something that I would be all "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?" sort of thing. And he was like, "argh! well I had to tough it up and so should you!" But... now we get along fine, years later.
Sibling stuff can be really weird, I agree. But either you get through it or you don't. Now that my parents are both dead, I have a really close relationship with the one I used to fight with the most, and a somewhat okay relationship with the other two. YMMV.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:24 PM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
I agree that your initial texts are open-ended, but wanted to add that it is entirely possible that "is everything okay?" could be a conversational tic that your sister recently picked up.
posted by plastic_animals at 7:26 PM on December 12, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by plastic_animals at 7:26 PM on December 12, 2014 [8 favorites]
I feel like that is just her way of asking what the situation is or for more context. It sounds more less like a question of concern and more like "what's going on" or "what's up?" Sometimes I might say "why do you ask?" which is her "is everything okay" apparently. I think you are taking the phrase too literally and overreacting a bit.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:56 PM on December 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:56 PM on December 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's a request for more context, and she's basically asking you "could your issue be something I need to worry about." You know she's anxious. Help her out by putting yourself in her shoes, and adding a few extra words to your texts so she doesn't have to ask every time.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:18 PM on December 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:18 PM on December 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
The recent change could be nothing to do with you. If she's dealing with in-law stuff, kid stuff, school stuff, whatever, your closed off messages might be adding into the stress - moreso if she's waiting for bad news on any of those fronts and you send really, painfully cryptic-short messages without any sort of context whatsoever.
You've set up this question with 'she's in a victimisation trap and infantilising me' but really? 'I feel sick and don't have healthcare' being met with 'have you tried public assistance' is...assuming your sister is an idiot and a child. Your question has a lot of tension around this idea about 'I'm an independent adult I don't need this' when you've done almost the exact same thing to her, except that in most cases 'ugh I'm sick and healthcare sucks' is not 'triage care options' territory.
Now, I might phrase 'is everything okay' slightly differently as 'what's up?' but the impetus is the same - this question is brief and implies more information is forthcoming. You're starting conversations and getting upset that she's not following your script exactly.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:47 PM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
You've set up this question with 'she's in a victimisation trap and infantilising me' but really? 'I feel sick and don't have healthcare' being met with 'have you tried public assistance' is...assuming your sister is an idiot and a child. Your question has a lot of tension around this idea about 'I'm an independent adult I don't need this' when you've done almost the exact same thing to her, except that in most cases 'ugh I'm sick and healthcare sucks' is not 'triage care options' territory.
Now, I might phrase 'is everything okay' slightly differently as 'what's up?' but the impetus is the same - this question is brief and implies more information is forthcoming. You're starting conversations and getting upset that she's not following your script exactly.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:47 PM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
She just wants to be reassured that everything's okay with her sister. She cares about you and assumes you're okay but just checkin' to be sure keeps her from worrying. I honestly think you should just try to get past the irritation thing because the intent is exactly the opposite of trying to aggravate you. And seriously - isn't the fact that she cares enough to ask kind of important?
You know, this is one of those things that can come around later in a whole different way; it's the holidays and I wish I had my sister around to annoy.
Be glad you have someone who cares about you so much.
posted by aryma at 8:54 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
You know, this is one of those things that can come around later in a whole different way; it's the holidays and I wish I had my sister around to annoy.
Be glad you have someone who cares about you so much.
posted by aryma at 8:54 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I know exactly what you mean about how annoying it is to have someone constantly asking what's wrong when nothing's wrong, and if she does this in face to face conversations too it's not surprising that you'd get super annoyed. But I definitely agree with the others that my first thought on reading your two examples were that they were the equivalent of sending a boyfriend a text that said nothing more than "we need to talk." He's not going to be thinking the rest of that sentence goes "...about what we're having for dinner." He's going to be thinking it goes "...about how I'm leaving you for Chad."
posted by MsMolly at 9:31 PM on December 12, 2014
posted by MsMolly at 9:31 PM on December 12, 2014
I ask "everything okay?" when I want to ask "why?" It's a way of checking the priority - do I need to drop everything and call the texter right away, or can I let slide for a few days.
But my mom used to always ask "what's wrong?" I mean about every little thing. It drove me up the wall. I kept saying, probably more rudely than I meant to, Nothing's wrong! and either she stopped saying or at some point I stopped noticing it.
posted by bunderful at 10:01 PM on December 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
But my mom used to always ask "what's wrong?" I mean about every little thing. It drove me up the wall. I kept saying, probably more rudely than I meant to, Nothing's wrong! and either she stopped saying or at some point I stopped noticing it.
posted by bunderful at 10:01 PM on December 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I ask "everything okay?" when I want to ask "why?" It's a way of checking the priority
This. My dad calls and leaves voicemails that say "please call me as soon as you can."
Sometimes it's because he's in the ER having had a stroke (true story & more than once).
Sometimes it's because his TV remote isn't working right.
It DRIVES ME CRAZY to not know how important it is.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:32 PM on December 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
This. My dad calls and leaves voicemails that say "please call me as soon as you can."
Sometimes it's because he's in the ER having had a stroke (true story & more than once).
Sometimes it's because his TV remote isn't working right.
It DRIVES ME CRAZY to not know how important it is.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:32 PM on December 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
I totally get how annoying this is. My Mum is this person. (She suffers a lot from anxiety, maybe this is an issue for your sister too?) I know people are giving you grief about being open-ended in your texts but it's possible that even being more specific won't help much if this is the mind space she is in. Example:
You: Have you talked to Mom lately? Is she back from vacation? Tried calling her just to chat but didn't get an answer from her.
Her: She's just busy. What did you need her for? Is everything ok?
You: Bus tickets are way cheaper if I stay an extra day at your place - is that inconvenient for you?
Her: It's fine. But are you struggling with money? Everything ok?
For me, I would ring my mum and the conversation would seriously go:
Me: Hi mum! (Bright and breezy)
Her: What's wrong?
Me: Aaaarrgh!
Finally I just said "Mum I find it very frustrating when you ask me what's wrong when I'm fine. I know it's just because you care about me. Can we make a deal that I promise if anything is up with me I'll let you know, and otherwise if I don't say there's a problem you can assume everything is fine?" This thread has made me realise I can't actually remember the last time she did it so it obviously worked! Maybe just talk to your sister about how you feel, explaining that you know she cares about you a lot but that she can assume you're fine until you tell her otherwise?
(Something to bear in mind is that the concern, though grating at times, comes from a good place. I txt my sis yesterday to say I had a bad flu and she didn't even reply! If I had to trade I'd probably take smothering over indifference so there's that.)
posted by billiebee at 2:03 AM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
You: Have you talked to Mom lately? Is she back from vacation? Tried calling her just to chat but didn't get an answer from her.
Her: She's just busy. What did you need her for? Is everything ok?
You: Bus tickets are way cheaper if I stay an extra day at your place - is that inconvenient for you?
Her: It's fine. But are you struggling with money? Everything ok?
For me, I would ring my mum and the conversation would seriously go:
Me: Hi mum! (Bright and breezy)
Her: What's wrong?
Me: Aaaarrgh!
Finally I just said "Mum I find it very frustrating when you ask me what's wrong when I'm fine. I know it's just because you care about me. Can we make a deal that I promise if anything is up with me I'll let you know, and otherwise if I don't say there's a problem you can assume everything is fine?" This thread has made me realise I can't actually remember the last time she did it so it obviously worked! Maybe just talk to your sister about how you feel, explaining that you know she cares about you a lot but that she can assume you're fine until you tell her otherwise?
(Something to bear in mind is that the concern, though grating at times, comes from a good place. I txt my sis yesterday to say I had a bad flu and she didn't even reply! If I had to trade I'd probably take smothering over indifference so there's that.)
posted by billiebee at 2:03 AM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Coukd you ask her why she keeps asking you what's wrong? If something is making her anxious about you, go with billiebee's solution.
If it's just the equivalent of "what's up?" either ask her to use another phrase or get used to it.
What strikes me about this though is that in all your communications sis has tried to have an emotional conversation with you about feelings (mostly negative ones). A conversation of caring and sharing. You have been mostly factual, solution oriented and focussed.
It could be that she is trying to get closer to you, but the only way she knows how to is by talking about problems. Which is making you retreat into factualness. Which is making her sense something is wrong and ask even more.
So maybe...just talk about it with her?
posted by Omnomnom at 2:32 AM on December 13, 2014
If it's just the equivalent of "what's up?" either ask her to use another phrase or get used to it.
What strikes me about this though is that in all your communications sis has tried to have an emotional conversation with you about feelings (mostly negative ones). A conversation of caring and sharing. You have been mostly factual, solution oriented and focussed.
It could be that she is trying to get closer to you, but the only way she knows how to is by talking about problems. Which is making you retreat into factualness. Which is making her sense something is wrong and ask even more.
So maybe...just talk about it with her?
posted by Omnomnom at 2:32 AM on December 13, 2014
Why does this irk me to my core?
Because you believe that it should.
How do I get her to stop?
Don't bother.
Your sister's verbal habits are beyond your control. Your own habitual response to them is not.
Your life will improve if you make a positive mental habit of refusing to react emotionally to anything that arrives via text. Use your sister's messages for practice.
posted by flabdablet at 4:05 AM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Because you believe that it should.
How do I get her to stop?
Don't bother.
Your sister's verbal habits are beyond your control. Your own habitual response to them is not.
Your life will improve if you make a positive mental habit of refusing to react emotionally to anything that arrives via text. Use your sister's messages for practice.
posted by flabdablet at 4:05 AM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Don't rely on texting for communication.
Call your sister when you feel good and can listen to her with patience.
She's your sister, a sibling, so you're in some kind of competition still.
My sister is 94, is a really good person and has been particularly generous with me but she irks me because she's so unable to talk openly about anything so she ends up being overly mysterious...a life long habit.
I write her letters on the computer, print them out and send them, with photographs when I want to tell her about our feelings and our life.
This way she knows how my life is and can put her fears to rest, and can maybe even see that I'm happy and wish her to be happy.
Our lives could not be more different but I still care about her, and worry.
When I call and ask how she's doing she always replies: I'm fine, no problems!
posted by billl at 9:49 AM on December 13, 2014
Call your sister when you feel good and can listen to her with patience.
She's your sister, a sibling, so you're in some kind of competition still.
My sister is 94, is a really good person and has been particularly generous with me but she irks me because she's so unable to talk openly about anything so she ends up being overly mysterious...a life long habit.
I write her letters on the computer, print them out and send them, with photographs when I want to tell her about our feelings and our life.
This way she knows how my life is and can put her fears to rest, and can maybe even see that I'm happy and wish her to be happy.
Our lives could not be more different but I still care about her, and worry.
When I call and ask how she's doing she always replies: I'm fine, no problems!
posted by billl at 9:49 AM on December 13, 2014
I would avoid responding at all to the hypervigilant/worrywart undertones to her questions; just respond neutrally and try to gently redirect the conversation towards something else ("getting a bus back the next day is much cheaper, looking forward to spending the extra day with you!").
posted by fox problems at 11:42 AM on December 13, 2014
posted by fox problems at 11:42 AM on December 13, 2014
I assumed she was asking 'Are you Ok?" out of the blue, which WOULD be annoying.
But in each of the examples you gave, it was a perfectly reasonable response. If you want a callback from people, let them know how urgent it is. In each of the conversations, there was no way to know if it was 'Park the car and call me back right now!' or 'Call me when you have a free moment, which because you have kids, may not be til tomorrow!'.
I'm echoing - provide more context.
posted by Elysum at 4:09 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
But in each of the examples you gave, it was a perfectly reasonable response. If you want a callback from people, let them know how urgent it is. In each of the conversations, there was no way to know if it was 'Park the car and call me back right now!' or 'Call me when you have a free moment, which because you have kids, may not be til tomorrow!'.
I'm echoing - provide more context.
posted by Elysum at 4:09 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I would react to your examples the same way, to be honest, because "call me when you get a chance" to me means "something important/ bad is going on." Echoing the advice to be a little more explicit in your messages to her -- she's not a mind reader, after all!
posted by sarcasticah at 12:42 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 12:42 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Is she an anxious person? For those of us who are, our minds go right from a non-specific question or request like that to OMG SOMETHING MAJOR IS WRONG!!!! Give her more information about what you want to discuss in your texts, so she knows it is something minor and not some HUGE BAD THING going on. It makes me angry when someone habitually starts an innocuous discussion this way, because it really triggered my anxiety.
Instead of "Hey, call me when you get a chance", how about "What might the kids like for Christmas?" Instead of "Have you talked to mom lately", try "I haven't been able to get hold of mom since she got back from vacation, heard anything about how it went?". Gets to the point and doesn't open the door to worries that something is wrong. (I also dislike conversations that don't get right to the point, some people do)
It's not that you were doing something wrong in initiating conversations with your sister that way. But that style doesn't necessarily work for everybody.
There's no history of you starting a conversation about something that really was wrong in that way, is there? If there is, I can more than see why she might react that way.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:50 AM on December 15, 2014
Instead of "Hey, call me when you get a chance", how about "What might the kids like for Christmas?" Instead of "Have you talked to mom lately", try "I haven't been able to get hold of mom since she got back from vacation, heard anything about how it went?". Gets to the point and doesn't open the door to worries that something is wrong. (I also dislike conversations that don't get right to the point, some people do)
It's not that you were doing something wrong in initiating conversations with your sister that way. But that style doesn't necessarily work for everybody.
There's no history of you starting a conversation about something that really was wrong in that way, is there? If there is, I can more than see why she might react that way.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:50 AM on December 15, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
eg:
me [over text]: Hey call me when you get a chance, I want to know what the kids want for christmas
me: have you talked to mom lately? I'm just curious if she's back from vacation
sis: yeah, shes really busy at work. is everything okay?
me: hey, I'm going to have to change the dates for my christmas visit. might need to stay an extra day at your place because bus fares are way cheaper the next day
On edit: jinx!
posted by stray at 6:45 PM on December 12, 2014 [42 favorites]