How do I banish these bitter feelings?
December 12, 2014 9:57 AM Subscribe
Long story short - I'm getting married next September (Yey). I live in Canada but I'm originally from England so two of my Bridesmaids are English.
One Bridesmaid, A, is my very best friend from growing up, we've known each other since we were 2. I travelled to England for her wedding a couple of years ago and there was never any question that she'd do the same for me.
Obviously you all know where this is going. I messaged her today to say hello and she casually told me she was pregnant in the very early stages. Unfortunately, she also had a miscarriage 2 months ago, so she's feeling a little uncertain about this pregnancy (her 2nd child).
Anyway, after wishing Congratulations and the like, I did the math and said to her "Given the timeframe, I'm assuming you can't come to my wedding? It's Ok - I just need to know for numbers and stuff"
She responded with a long message about how bad she feels but probably won't be able to come.
I wrote back that I understood completely, that I was disappointed but obviously new baby and mummy come first and that's the most important thing yadda yadda.
Now - I'm happy for her and I really truly want her and the new baby to be happy and healthy. That's the most important thing in this whole scenario. BUT. I feel deflated, disappointed, undermined, unimportant.....
I'm bitter that I put her first when she was getting married, spent thousands of dollars to get to her wedding.
I'm bitter that she's obviously known that she wasn't going to be able to come for a while and it took ME reaching out to HER for that to come out.
I feel sad that someone who has been my best friend for 30 years won't be coming to my wedding.
I also feel ashamed that I'm feeling these things because I'm being utterly selfish and immature and who knew I could have these Bridezilla thoughts?
Anyway, I'm really looking for coping strategies on how to calm these angry thoughts. I know in the great scheme of things I need to get over this and that's life etc. etc. but currently I can't quell these "Me, me, me - what about MEEEEEEE and MY special day" thoughts.
Obviously you all know where this is going. I messaged her today to say hello and she casually told me she was pregnant in the very early stages. Unfortunately, she also had a miscarriage 2 months ago, so she's feeling a little uncertain about this pregnancy (her 2nd child).
Anyway, after wishing Congratulations and the like, I did the math and said to her "Given the timeframe, I'm assuming you can't come to my wedding? It's Ok - I just need to know for numbers and stuff"
She responded with a long message about how bad she feels but probably won't be able to come.
I wrote back that I understood completely, that I was disappointed but obviously new baby and mummy come first and that's the most important thing yadda yadda.
Now - I'm happy for her and I really truly want her and the new baby to be happy and healthy. That's the most important thing in this whole scenario. BUT. I feel deflated, disappointed, undermined, unimportant.....
I'm bitter that I put her first when she was getting married, spent thousands of dollars to get to her wedding.
I'm bitter that she's obviously known that she wasn't going to be able to come for a while and it took ME reaching out to HER for that to come out.
I feel sad that someone who has been my best friend for 30 years won't be coming to my wedding.
I also feel ashamed that I'm feeling these things because I'm being utterly selfish and immature and who knew I could have these Bridezilla thoughts?
Anyway, I'm really looking for coping strategies on how to calm these angry thoughts. I know in the great scheme of things I need to get over this and that's life etc. etc. but currently I can't quell these "Me, me, me - what about MEEEEEEE and MY special day" thoughts.
It's ok to be disappointed and sad. That's a totally appropriate response.
Fighting against feeling disappointed and sad often leads to feeling anxious and angry. Feeling angry then leads to feeling ashamed about feeling angry.
I suspect that if you let yourself feel disappointed and sad, the anger and shame will lessen.
posted by jaguar at 10:03 AM on December 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
Fighting against feeling disappointed and sad often leads to feeling anxious and angry. Feeling angry then leads to feeling ashamed about feeling angry.
I suspect that if you let yourself feel disappointed and sad, the anger and shame will lessen.
posted by jaguar at 10:03 AM on December 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
I'm bitter that I put her first when she was getting married, spent thousands of dollars to get to her wedding.
OK, you know that's basically completely unrelated to what's happening now, right? If something equally big had happened in your life, you wouldn't have gone to her wedding. You would have felt really bad about it, but you wouldn't have gone. You put her first, but it was in completely different circumstances.
I'm bitter that she's obviously known that she wasn't going to be able to come for a while and it took ME reaching out to HER for that to come out.
Sometimes when we have information that we know is going to be hurtful, we delay passing that information on. Also, what, when would you have liked her to tell you? She's only a few weeks pregnant! Most people aren't telling friends they're pregnant that early. In fact, letting you know about the pregnancy this early may have been her way of telling you that she wasn't going to be making it.
I feel sad that someone who has been my best friend for 30 years won't be coming to my wedding.
Of course you do! It's a huge bummer! I bet she feels sad too.
I also feel ashamed that I'm feeling these things because I'm being utterly selfish and immature and who knew I could have these Bridezilla thoughts?
Don't feel all ashamed of it; it's probably good you recognize that this is not your best self, but there's no point in beating yourself up over it.
posted by mskyle at 10:06 AM on December 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
OK, you know that's basically completely unrelated to what's happening now, right? If something equally big had happened in your life, you wouldn't have gone to her wedding. You would have felt really bad about it, but you wouldn't have gone. You put her first, but it was in completely different circumstances.
I'm bitter that she's obviously known that she wasn't going to be able to come for a while and it took ME reaching out to HER for that to come out.
Sometimes when we have information that we know is going to be hurtful, we delay passing that information on. Also, what, when would you have liked her to tell you? She's only a few weeks pregnant! Most people aren't telling friends they're pregnant that early. In fact, letting you know about the pregnancy this early may have been her way of telling you that she wasn't going to be making it.
I feel sad that someone who has been my best friend for 30 years won't be coming to my wedding.
Of course you do! It's a huge bummer! I bet she feels sad too.
I also feel ashamed that I'm feeling these things because I'm being utterly selfish and immature and who knew I could have these Bridezilla thoughts?
Don't feel all ashamed of it; it's probably good you recognize that this is not your best self, but there's no point in beating yourself up over it.
posted by mskyle at 10:06 AM on December 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
I know she said it "casually," but another thing to keep in mind is that she may not have decided before she talked to you whether she felt like sharing yet that she was pregnant and necessitating a decision about going to your wedding.
On preview, what others said.
posted by AndrewInDC at 10:08 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
On preview, what others said.
posted by AndrewInDC at 10:08 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm bitter that she's obviously known that she wasn't going to be able to come for a while and it took ME reaching out to HER for that to come out.
Really, "obviously"? If she miscarried 2 months ago, she's at absolute most 2 months pregnant now and probably didn't realize she was pregnant until she failed to get a period. For all you know, she could have found out yesterday. Plus most people don't announce pregnancies until a few months in just in case something happens - this goes a million times more for someone who went through a miscarriage just a few weeks earlier. She probably didn't tell you the instant she found out about her pregnancy because she wanted to wait until things were a bit more certain before disappointing you. She was probably also reluctant to get into an argument with you about it when she's dealing with the stress/emotions of a recent miscarriage and a pregnancy on top of that.
This is definitely a sad and disappointing thing for you and it's OK to be upset. I agree that focusing on this legitimate sadness might distract you from the totally inappropriate (as you seem to recognize) anger/bitterness at your friend, who did nothing wrong here whatsoever. It's not at all selfish to be sad about how this affects you, as long as you don't burden her with your sadness in any way (the old "comfort in, dump out" idea).
posted by randomnity at 10:13 AM on December 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
Really, "obviously"? If she miscarried 2 months ago, she's at absolute most 2 months pregnant now and probably didn't realize she was pregnant until she failed to get a period. For all you know, she could have found out yesterday. Plus most people don't announce pregnancies until a few months in just in case something happens - this goes a million times more for someone who went through a miscarriage just a few weeks earlier. She probably didn't tell you the instant she found out about her pregnancy because she wanted to wait until things were a bit more certain before disappointing you. She was probably also reluctant to get into an argument with you about it when she's dealing with the stress/emotions of a recent miscarriage and a pregnancy on top of that.
This is definitely a sad and disappointing thing for you and it's OK to be upset. I agree that focusing on this legitimate sadness might distract you from the totally inappropriate (as you seem to recognize) anger/bitterness at your friend, who did nothing wrong here whatsoever. It's not at all selfish to be sad about how this affects you, as long as you don't burden her with your sadness in any way (the old "comfort in, dump out" idea).
posted by randomnity at 10:13 AM on December 12, 2014 [15 favorites]
Best answer: I feel deflated, disappointed, undermined, unimportant.....
Deflated, disappointed, and sad are feelings, which are natural and unavoidable. Undermined and unimportant are stories that you're telling yourself about what these events mean about you and this friendship.
It sounds like the insecure jerkbrain that lives inside all of us is trying to make you believe that this means that your friend thinks less of you somehow, rather than that your friend can't travel now for valid medical reasons.
Let yourself have your feelings, but don't buy into the stories. The feelings are painful, but it's the stories that cause suffering.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:14 AM on December 12, 2014 [53 favorites]
Deflated, disappointed, and sad are feelings, which are natural and unavoidable. Undermined and unimportant are stories that you're telling yourself about what these events mean about you and this friendship.
It sounds like the insecure jerkbrain that lives inside all of us is trying to make you believe that this means that your friend thinks less of you somehow, rather than that your friend can't travel now for valid medical reasons.
Let yourself have your feelings, but don't buy into the stories. The feelings are painful, but it's the stories that cause suffering.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:14 AM on December 12, 2014 [53 favorites]
I don't think she could've known she was pregnant for very long since she just had a miscarriage. The confirmation of the pregnancy would be recent, and she might feel very tentative about talking about it since it's so new and she just had such a loss.
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:15 AM on December 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:15 AM on December 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
It is understandable to be disappointed in this, but you need to back up a bit. She didn't get pregnant to spite you, she didn't intentionally craft a way to get out of coming to your wedding, and her being pregnant doesn't mean you are unimportant to her. It sounds like if it wasn't for the pregnancy she would be there. I think you are taking her pregnancy as a deliberate act to get out of coming to your wedding, but I also think you logically know that isn't the case. Just keep reminding yourself that she didn't get pregnant to spite you.
As for her not mentioning it sooner, she no doubt knew full well how disappointed you would be and she probably is hugely disappointed herself. I 100% understand why she didn't tell you sooner. And as for her being "casual" about it, I would have done the exact same thing, I would have mentioned it all casually and "not a big deal". Why? So that maybe the strong emotional response wouldn't be triggered, both in her and in you when you told her. It is like when my kid falls and hurts himself. If I freak out and gush over him and react in a big way he gets all worked up and cries harder and longer and he focuses on the wound for a lot longer. If I react more casually and calmly, like it isn't a big deal (even when sometimes it is), he calms down pretty much instantly, and will act like nothing happened after I bandage him up. I think she was trying to do the same thing...
And really, let yourself be disappointed. That would be a very disappointing thing, to not have one of your best friends at your wedding. So be disappointed, but keep reminding yourself that she didn't do this on purpose and that she isn't running around high fiving everyone that she got out of going to your wedding. Remind yourself she didn't do this to spite you and that she is no doubt upset as well. This doesn't mean that she no longer cares for you. Reassure yourself with that knowledge.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:15 AM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
As for her not mentioning it sooner, she no doubt knew full well how disappointed you would be and she probably is hugely disappointed herself. I 100% understand why she didn't tell you sooner. And as for her being "casual" about it, I would have done the exact same thing, I would have mentioned it all casually and "not a big deal". Why? So that maybe the strong emotional response wouldn't be triggered, both in her and in you when you told her. It is like when my kid falls and hurts himself. If I freak out and gush over him and react in a big way he gets all worked up and cries harder and longer and he focuses on the wound for a lot longer. If I react more casually and calmly, like it isn't a big deal (even when sometimes it is), he calms down pretty much instantly, and will act like nothing happened after I bandage him up. I think she was trying to do the same thing...
And really, let yourself be disappointed. That would be a very disappointing thing, to not have one of your best friends at your wedding. So be disappointed, but keep reminding yourself that she didn't do this on purpose and that she isn't running around high fiving everyone that she got out of going to your wedding. Remind yourself she didn't do this to spite you and that she is no doubt upset as well. This doesn't mean that she no longer cares for you. Reassure yourself with that knowledge.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:15 AM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think we're taught that having bad feelings is bad. If you have bad feelings, you need to get rid of them. Bad feelings are shame.
Accept the way you feel. It's okay to be angry, and upset, and disappointed, and sad. Even if there's some good reason that something didn't go the way we wanted it to. It's okay to have selfish moments, as long as you don't become a selfish person. It's okay to be angry, as long as you aren't engaging in destructive patterns.
For her, this is a great moment. Good for her. But it doesn't mean it is also your greatest moment. This baby isn't your world, and that's completely normal.
It's normal to feel disappointment. Everyone here is being a dick to you. You came here for a safe place and everyone is acting like you're Hitler. You're not. We are taught to believe babies are everything, babies supersede everything. Well other people's babies don't need to do that for you. You are not a bad person.
So accept that this sucks, instead of being ashamed. Accept that you feel hurt. Don't run from your feelings. You don't need to pretend it's all rainbows and puppies.
posted by Aranquis at 10:16 AM on December 12, 2014 [12 favorites]
Accept the way you feel. It's okay to be angry, and upset, and disappointed, and sad. Even if there's some good reason that something didn't go the way we wanted it to. It's okay to have selfish moments, as long as you don't become a selfish person. It's okay to be angry, as long as you aren't engaging in destructive patterns.
For her, this is a great moment. Good for her. But it doesn't mean it is also your greatest moment. This baby isn't your world, and that's completely normal.
It's normal to feel disappointment. Everyone here is being a dick to you. You came here for a safe place and everyone is acting like you're Hitler. You're not. We are taught to believe babies are everything, babies supersede everything. Well other people's babies don't need to do that for you. You are not a bad person.
So accept that this sucks, instead of being ashamed. Accept that you feel hurt. Don't run from your feelings. You don't need to pretend it's all rainbows and puppies.
posted by Aranquis at 10:16 AM on December 12, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry you are feeling punky about this that totally sucks and it's too bad your friend can't be at your wedding. I think over time you'll get more of a handle on this and will be able to split out what's the bad feeling slopping irrationally over other stuff. Some people, many people, are superstitious about miscarriages. If I were in a position where I was pregnant and had a recent miscarriage, the thought in my head would be "I really want this baby. I am concerned about this pregnancy. I don't want to jinx things but the only way I could make this wedding is if something bad happens to this pregnancy" and then I'd be frozen with indecision about how to manage the obvious conflict.
It sounds like what you're saying is that you feel that you put her first and (unstated) she didn't do the same for you? Did you have some sort of hurdle you had to overcome? Can you see a path where, given the facts of her situation, she should have done something different?
Obviously, you can't reason yourself out of a position that reason maybe didn't get you into, but I'd try to feel that 1) your feelings are valid, you feel what you feel 2) your friend didn't actually do anything to you and is still your friend.
Weddings make people stressed out and so do pregnancies. People creating new families have to make choices about how much weight to give all the individual pieces in their lives and some things shift. You guys had to have a discussion about some of these shifting priorities at a time when both of you maybe weren't in the best place for it. You will be able to talk more about it in the future. You'll be able to find a way to have her present at your wedding in some meaningful way for the both of you and if it were me I'd concentrate there. Back it up and try to reapproach her with this in the not too distant future. I am sorry you're hurting.
posted by jessamyn at 10:17 AM on December 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
It sounds like what you're saying is that you feel that you put her first and (unstated) she didn't do the same for you? Did you have some sort of hurdle you had to overcome? Can you see a path where, given the facts of her situation, she should have done something different?
Obviously, you can't reason yourself out of a position that reason maybe didn't get you into, but I'd try to feel that 1) your feelings are valid, you feel what you feel 2) your friend didn't actually do anything to you and is still your friend.
Weddings make people stressed out and so do pregnancies. People creating new families have to make choices about how much weight to give all the individual pieces in their lives and some things shift. You guys had to have a discussion about some of these shifting priorities at a time when both of you maybe weren't in the best place for it. You will be able to talk more about it in the future. You'll be able to find a way to have her present at your wedding in some meaningful way for the both of you and if it were me I'd concentrate there. Back it up and try to reapproach her with this in the not too distant future. I am sorry you're hurting.
posted by jessamyn at 10:17 AM on December 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
Someone who's had two miscarriages and is very newly pregnant is terrified to tell you about her pregnancy. What if she encounters problems again?
Forgive her for not telling you so early in her pregnancy.
You're allowed to feel disappointed, my childhood friend couldn't make it to my wedding either. But I'll tell you this, as the bride, even if people come from Timbuktu, you spend about 5 minutes with them. Wedding unravel and it goes by in a whirlwind, you blink and it's all over.
Nurse your disappointment, then pray for a happy pregnancy and the birth of a healthy baby.
Your wedding will still be beautiful and meaningful.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:20 AM on December 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
Forgive her for not telling you so early in her pregnancy.
You're allowed to feel disappointed, my childhood friend couldn't make it to my wedding either. But I'll tell you this, as the bride, even if people come from Timbuktu, you spend about 5 minutes with them. Wedding unravel and it goes by in a whirlwind, you blink and it's all over.
Nurse your disappointment, then pray for a happy pregnancy and the birth of a healthy baby.
Your wedding will still be beautiful and meaningful.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:20 AM on December 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
>she's obviously known that she wasn't going to be able to come for a while
If she had a miscarriage 2 months ago, she has probably known about this pregnancy for a very, very brief period of time. The fact that she's even mentioned it to you this early indicates that you are probably in her very innermost circle of friends. Considering she's likely to be in a Schroedinger's Baby mindset for the next few months, she probably *still* doesn't know for sure that she will be unable to come; she is being very considerate to let you know about the possibility with as much notice as possible.
It's okay to grieve a bit about the distance and the missing friends. It's okay to spend some time Bridezilla-ing to a sympathetic ear (not hers.) The emotions you describe sound very much like an immediate emotional reflex. Give yourself some time to ease back from "bitter" to "disappointed". Think about ways she could still be involved (there's been someone Skyping in to most Big Life Parties I've been at lately.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:21 AM on December 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
If she had a miscarriage 2 months ago, she has probably known about this pregnancy for a very, very brief period of time. The fact that she's even mentioned it to you this early indicates that you are probably in her very innermost circle of friends. Considering she's likely to be in a Schroedinger's Baby mindset for the next few months, she probably *still* doesn't know for sure that she will be unable to come; she is being very considerate to let you know about the possibility with as much notice as possible.
It's okay to grieve a bit about the distance and the missing friends. It's okay to spend some time Bridezilla-ing to a sympathetic ear (not hers.) The emotions you describe sound very much like an immediate emotional reflex. Give yourself some time to ease back from "bitter" to "disappointed". Think about ways she could still be involved (there's been someone Skyping in to most Big Life Parties I've been at lately.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:21 AM on December 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
She had a miscarriage two months ago, so she can only be 4 weeks pregnant at most. You can't do a pregnancy test until two weeks. She didn't tell you because she hasn't known herself for very long. And if I had just had a miscarriage, I wouldn't be telling anyone I was pregnant again until three months. You friend has told you insanely early, despite the high risk that she might have to phone you back in a few weeks to say she can come after all because she's had a second miscarriage. I would say that she has gone above and beyond here actually.
Of course you can feel sad that she can't come, but she has put your feelings extremely high here, much higher than I would even for my own family. I am really struggling to see how she could have acted differently that would have pleased you better.
posted by tinkletown at 10:21 AM on December 12, 2014 [14 favorites]
Of course you can feel sad that she can't come, but she has put your feelings extremely high here, much higher than I would even for my own family. I am really struggling to see how she could have acted differently that would have pleased you better.
posted by tinkletown at 10:21 AM on December 12, 2014 [14 favorites]
I find that patting myself on the back for being the bigger person is a mental trick that releases the pressure valve on my smallmindedness (since the truly bigger person might not need to internally preen like that) in a safe, relationship-preserving way.
The time and cost of you going to her wedding was a tremendous gift to her. I would say it's now time to mentally pat yourself on the back for being such an extraordinarily generous friend, that you gave of yourself without receiving in turn. And without expecting to.
It will just be between us, but it is very clear to me as a reader that you are the better friend. Period. I know you weren't even trying to compete with her. Which means you won without breaking a sweat. Pop the cork on some wine and toast yourself, as you ponder what an impressively generous spirit you have, as you let this go.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 10:22 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
The time and cost of you going to her wedding was a tremendous gift to her. I would say it's now time to mentally pat yourself on the back for being such an extraordinarily generous friend, that you gave of yourself without receiving in turn. And without expecting to.
It will just be between us, but it is very clear to me as a reader that you are the better friend. Period. I know you weren't even trying to compete with her. Which means you won without breaking a sweat. Pop the cork on some wine and toast yourself, as you ponder what an impressively generous spirit you have, as you let this go.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 10:22 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Please, don't beat yourself up over your feelings here. Give yourself time to be disappointed because you are and there is nothing about your disappointment that makes you a bad person. Relationships are hard and the inequities of giving in them is part of the reason relationships are hard.
So, allow yourself room to feel bad without telling yourself you're a bad person for feeling unhappy. You now have a big flaming sign in the sky that you and your friend are past the point where you can and will always be able to do everything for each other because now you both have your own families/husbands to put first. That hurts, even if neither of you meant to hurt the other. Give yourself time to be "me me me but I wanted" because it's okay to feel that way, ESPECIALLY because you DID NOT take it out on your friend.
Give yourself time to be sad, bitter, and bratty (without directing any of that at your friend, without making any public displays that you'll regret which--frankly--you seem to be doing) so you can get over feeling this way and then move on.
Maybe you can arrange a Skype or Facetime with your friend during your prep time on your wedding day. That may help you both feel that she hasn't abandoned you (she probably has some of those feelings, too). If you're still feeling guilty for being disappointed in your friend's absence once you've gotten over your initial disappointment, find a time to talk to her about how much you'll feel her absence at your wedding but how glad you are for the reason she can't be with you.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:24 AM on December 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
So, allow yourself room to feel bad without telling yourself you're a bad person for feeling unhappy. You now have a big flaming sign in the sky that you and your friend are past the point where you can and will always be able to do everything for each other because now you both have your own families/husbands to put first. That hurts, even if neither of you meant to hurt the other. Give yourself time to be "me me me but I wanted" because it's okay to feel that way, ESPECIALLY because you DID NOT take it out on your friend.
Give yourself time to be sad, bitter, and bratty (without directing any of that at your friend, without making any public displays that you'll regret which--frankly--you seem to be doing) so you can get over feeling this way and then move on.
Maybe you can arrange a Skype or Facetime with your friend during your prep time on your wedding day. That may help you both feel that she hasn't abandoned you (she probably has some of those feelings, too). If you're still feeling guilty for being disappointed in your friend's absence once you've gotten over your initial disappointment, find a time to talk to her about how much you'll feel her absence at your wedding but how glad you are for the reason she can't be with you.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:24 AM on December 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, I guess I'm acting like a spoilt brat - but I knew that and that's why I was asking for ways to deal with my uncharitable feelings.
I obviously stirred up a hornet's nest with my question, but I have only expressed positive thoughts and words towards my friend, I'm genuinely happy for her and I would NEVER make her feel badly for not attending my wedding. Never.
I just needed a moment to express my disappointment out loud. But obviously, I'M the one who needs to get over it, and I shall.
posted by JenThePro at 10:51 AM on December 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
I obviously stirred up a hornet's nest with my question, but I have only expressed positive thoughts and words towards my friend, I'm genuinely happy for her and I would NEVER make her feel badly for not attending my wedding. Never.
I just needed a moment to express my disappointment out loud. But obviously, I'M the one who needs to get over it, and I shall.
posted by JenThePro at 10:51 AM on December 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: As stated above: bad feelings are okay to have, it's probably good that you're expressing them to us and not to her.
Totally Okay: feeling sad that she'll miss your wedding, feeling sad that you weren't a part of her life so much that you knew all the detail of her trying to get pregnant, feeling upset that your wedding is not as important to her as her baby is.
Much Less Okay (and congrats, sounds like you're not going there): secretly hoping that if something happens with the pregnancy she can come anyway, wishing you'd known she was going to miss your wedding so that you could have skipped hers,
posted by aimedwander at 11:01 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Totally Okay: feeling sad that she'll miss your wedding, feeling sad that you weren't a part of her life so much that you knew all the detail of her trying to get pregnant, feeling upset that your wedding is not as important to her as her baby is.
Much Less Okay (and congrats, sounds like you're not going there): secretly hoping that if something happens with the pregnancy she can come anyway, wishing you'd known she was going to miss your wedding so that you could have skipped hers,
posted by aimedwander at 11:01 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm sorry you're feeling bad about your friend not being in your wedding, and sorry that you're feeling guilty about your feelings. You're not alone -- we all have irrational feelings sometimes -- and it's understandable that you would feel the way you do. But you are handling your feelings very gracefully. Accepting your feelings is the best way of dealing with them. And this situation is unfair. It's no one's fault that it's unfair. But your disappointment is understandable. You are human! Your friend probably feels just as terrible that she is letting you down. Skyping is a good idea, and maybe a visit to her later down the road.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:08 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:08 AM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Connect with her via Skype or Facetime at the reception if some participation by her is important to you.
posted by yclipse at 1:50 PM on December 12, 2014
posted by yclipse at 1:50 PM on December 12, 2014
Since she is such a dear friend, can you try to find ways to incorporate her into the ceremony? It's possible she could still play a meaningful role without being there.
posted by JackBurden at 2:29 PM on December 12, 2014
posted by JackBurden at 2:29 PM on December 12, 2014
Suggestions that might help you past the mental roadblocks. Your mileage might vary, but sometimes, for me, making myself act like the bigger person, like the magnanimous person I wish I always was, helps me to actually stop the inner thoughts that are making me further from being the way I want to be.
Therefore, doing things that reinforce positive thinking and 'supportive friend' thinking about your current situation with your friend may help you actually get into the groove of thinking positively and being supportive for real.
Your friend just had a pregnancy loss. Especially if this is a chronic problem for her or if she has been trying to get pregnant for a long time, this may have caused some intense grieving for her. Having a miscarriage is not something you can publicly grieve about in our society because it is meant to be a private matter. That makes it that much harder to get past feelings of sadness about it. She's also probably currently terrified about her new pregnancy, probably spending panic-inducing hours per day googling terrifying statistics about miscarriage and blaming herself whenever she does any crazy thing 'wrong' (that isn't really wrong) - like ingesting minor amounts of caffeine, or exercising too strenuously, or something. She can't talk to many people about this, and she probably feels like she can't talk at all to her best friend in the world about it because that friend is hurt about wedding attendance.
Things to consider doing:
- sending her some kind of thoughtful card or remembrance regarding her loss. If she is the type to like this sort of thing you could include a poem, take a look at past questions here regarding sending sympathies about miscarriage and they will tell you about best language to avoid (i.e. "at least you know you can get pregnant" or other such non-reassuring statements).
- completely separately, sending her some kind of kit to help her get past the nerve wracking days of early pregnancy. Some movies or books without heavy material in them, for taking her mind off things - you can also likely find many suggestions via searching to make sure that none of the movies or books have miscarriage sub-plots. Maybe send some things like ginger candies or comfy socks/mittens.
Through these actions you will show that you care more about her than you do about a single days' event, and it might also help you get past your current (understandable) frustrated feelings. If all else fails, try to picture in detail a conversation in which she tells you her current pregnancy ended in a loss and how you would respond to that… I can't imagine such a conversation ending in anything for you aside from horrible guilt, so picturing it and the feelings it would bring up might be a very effective way to quash other feelings about her not making the wedding.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:51 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Therefore, doing things that reinforce positive thinking and 'supportive friend' thinking about your current situation with your friend may help you actually get into the groove of thinking positively and being supportive for real.
Your friend just had a pregnancy loss. Especially if this is a chronic problem for her or if she has been trying to get pregnant for a long time, this may have caused some intense grieving for her. Having a miscarriage is not something you can publicly grieve about in our society because it is meant to be a private matter. That makes it that much harder to get past feelings of sadness about it. She's also probably currently terrified about her new pregnancy, probably spending panic-inducing hours per day googling terrifying statistics about miscarriage and blaming herself whenever she does any crazy thing 'wrong' (that isn't really wrong) - like ingesting minor amounts of caffeine, or exercising too strenuously, or something. She can't talk to many people about this, and she probably feels like she can't talk at all to her best friend in the world about it because that friend is hurt about wedding attendance.
Things to consider doing:
- sending her some kind of thoughtful card or remembrance regarding her loss. If she is the type to like this sort of thing you could include a poem, take a look at past questions here regarding sending sympathies about miscarriage and they will tell you about best language to avoid (i.e. "at least you know you can get pregnant" or other such non-reassuring statements).
- completely separately, sending her some kind of kit to help her get past the nerve wracking days of early pregnancy. Some movies or books without heavy material in them, for taking her mind off things - you can also likely find many suggestions via searching to make sure that none of the movies or books have miscarriage sub-plots. Maybe send some things like ginger candies or comfy socks/mittens.
Through these actions you will show that you care more about her than you do about a single days' event, and it might also help you get past your current (understandable) frustrated feelings. If all else fails, try to picture in detail a conversation in which she tells you her current pregnancy ended in a loss and how you would respond to that… I can't imagine such a conversation ending in anything for you aside from horrible guilt, so picturing it and the feelings it would bring up might be a very effective way to quash other feelings about her not making the wedding.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:51 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Regarding your respective weddings: you prioritized your friend because your life circumstances allowed you to. Maybe it was difficult or expensive, but you were able to make it happen.
Your friend has not prioritized you simply because circumstances are preventing her. That's all. It's not anything personal, although of course it still sucks. The situation is not equal, but it is fair.
This is not meant at all to berate you. It's jut the sort of mental framing that might help me get a less painful view of the situation, were I you.
posted by jessicapierce at 4:32 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your friend has not prioritized you simply because circumstances are preventing her. That's all. It's not anything personal, although of course it still sucks. The situation is not equal, but it is fair.
This is not meant at all to berate you. It's jut the sort of mental framing that might help me get a less painful view of the situation, were I you.
posted by jessicapierce at 4:32 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm sure she is sad to miss her best friend's wedding as well, so maybe you could send her photos or notes talking about what's happening? Like a picture of your dress or stories about family wedding drama or whatever. It might be nice for her to know that you're thinking of her, and vice versa.
Would she be willing/able to participate in the wedding from afar? I don't necessarily mean Skyping into the wedding ceremony (though if that works, awesome), more like maybe helping to organize something online, or writing a toast to be read at the reception -- whatever her strengths are and whatever she's able to do at what must be an emotionally difficult time. That might help you both feel less like she's "missing" your wedding, and more like "oh, she can't be here physically, so she's helping me celebrate in a different way."
posted by Ragini at 8:11 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Would she be willing/able to participate in the wedding from afar? I don't necessarily mean Skyping into the wedding ceremony (though if that works, awesome), more like maybe helping to organize something online, or writing a toast to be read at the reception -- whatever her strengths are and whatever she's able to do at what must be an emotionally difficult time. That might help you both feel less like she's "missing" your wedding, and more like "oh, she can't be here physically, so she's helping me celebrate in a different way."
posted by Ragini at 8:11 PM on December 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You did her a great service by phrasing the request in a way that let her save face. That is you being a true friend and I imagine that you will be repaid richly in life for this.
As for the comparison between you and her: you spent thousands of dollars. In her mind, what is at stake is probably not thousands of dollars -- it's a human life.
I'm not sure you can fathom how great the grief is of having a miscarriage, and how much every imperative is for her to protect the human life she's creating. I can picture her not wanting to be on an airplane. It is probably worth a lot more than thousands of dollars to her.
I would recommend you set up teleconferencing with a big screen and skype/hangouts so she can be in the same room as you when you are getting your hair and makeup done.
One way to feel less bitter is to have an open conversation with her about your sadness at her not being there, and brainstorm with her some meaningful ways for her to participate from afar. I think that sort of conversation, especially if she is receptive, will do a lot to ease your bitterness.
If you have the conversation and she is not receptive and still doesn't want to participate, even from afar, then maybe you are right to bitterly grieve a bit and to think differently about your friendship.
posted by htid at 8:35 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
As for the comparison between you and her: you spent thousands of dollars. In her mind, what is at stake is probably not thousands of dollars -- it's a human life.
I'm not sure you can fathom how great the grief is of having a miscarriage, and how much every imperative is for her to protect the human life she's creating. I can picture her not wanting to be on an airplane. It is probably worth a lot more than thousands of dollars to her.
I would recommend you set up teleconferencing with a big screen and skype/hangouts so she can be in the same room as you when you are getting your hair and makeup done.
One way to feel less bitter is to have an open conversation with her about your sadness at her not being there, and brainstorm with her some meaningful ways for her to participate from afar. I think that sort of conversation, especially if she is receptive, will do a lot to ease your bitterness.
If you have the conversation and she is not receptive and still doesn't want to participate, even from afar, then maybe you are right to bitterly grieve a bit and to think differently about your friendship.
posted by htid at 8:35 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm in total agreement with the advice above that the best way to get rid of the sad and upset feelings is to allow yourself to feel them instead of resisting them. Sometimes I've found it difficult to understand how to actually make that happen, though. So: have you ever tried meditation? I think the Meditation Oasis podcast is really great, I find listening to these meditations very soothing even if I don't always know if I'm "doing it right," whatever that might mean. There's an episode that I think might be particularly relevant to your current situation, #7 "Emotional Ease" (link is to autoplaying audio). Here's the description from the podcast website: This meditation will help the emotions flow more freely. You can listen to it to it when you feel rough or upset or simply to experience greater ease in life. By allowing the emotions to be fully felt, without resistance and without mental involvement, they are able to resolve and move through, rather than becoming “stuck”. Over the next few days, taking some time daily to have quiet alone time and listen to this meditation might be a good way for you put the advice above into practice.
posted by ootandaboot at 3:59 PM on December 13, 2014
posted by ootandaboot at 3:59 PM on December 13, 2014
A few years from now when (if) you and your husband are expecting a baby you'll look at this very differently. You'll understand at a gut level what it would mean to have just lost a child and now pregnant again and hoping and praying that you get to keep this one, that nothing goes wrong. And then you'll fully understand your friend's hesitation to commit to traveling such a far distance, even for the wedding of her best friend in all the world.
posted by aryma at 11:42 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by aryma at 11:42 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
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Can you find a way (e.g Skype) for her to be there in spirit or virtual presence?
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:03 AM on December 12, 2014 [15 favorites]