Diarrhea of the mouth.

December 10, 2014 9:25 AM

I just can't seem to stop talking. Help me stop.

I am the person who has to fill every silence with words. I've been told (in a lovingly way... kinda) that it's hard to get a word in when I am around. I don't mean to do it but I just can't seem to help it! Are there any mental tools I could employ that would help me s.t.f.u and let other people speak?

Related: I've become a bad listener over the years and tend to respond to someone's story with a story of my own. I mentally cringe while I'm doing it. Any tips for being a better listener? Which will therefore also help me stop talking.

Around the holidays there are lots of social events and I would love to head into them a little more prepared so I don't feel so bad about myself after/ so exposed after all the talking I've done!

posted by kmr to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Have you read about the symptoms of ADHD? Logorrhea alone isn't sufficient for a diagnosis, but it's a common symptom.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:33 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

Well, when you're at these parties, maybe you could make it a practice to ask one question, and one follow up, of everyone you chat with? Like, have something in mind going --- something simple, are people travelling for the holidays, maybe --- and then make sure that when you're introduced to someone, you have to start the conversation by asking your question and then paying enough attention to their answer to ask a follow up based on what they say? Keep score, somehow, in a notebook or on your phone or just in your head, to remind yourself to do it. Even if you end up rambling to fill the void, I guarantee that If you start off by showing interest in them people will be flattered, and if on the off chance they actually say something interesting, you may get a more relaxed back and forth going where your nerves won't push you to ramble on and fill space.
posted by Diablevert at 9:35 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

Is there someone who will be around who you trust enough to tell them you're having trouble with this? Having someone who can see what you're doing and give you a sign to stop can help you realize when you're doing it. For many people, their significant other does this.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:36 AM on December 10, 2014

I used to be this way. What worked for me was to repeat to myself, "Listen more, talk less." Seriously, even if you aren't actually listening because inside your head it's all, "listenmoretalklesslistenmoretalklesslistenmoretalkless," at least you're not running on at the mouth.

Second, when you're sure they're fairly done talking (take a good breath, watch their face, count to 3 if you have to), and it's your turn to talk, ask a question. It is far more enjoyable for the other person to talk about themselves than to listen to you (even if you are the coolest person ever). And if you do relate an anecdote, still end with a relatable question. Like, "Oh, yes, I once flew to Mars on a purple monkey, too. What did you think of the view from space?"
posted by slipthought at 9:36 AM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]

Don't expect perfection! It will probably not feel natural for you to be a good, attentive listener at first. As others have mentioned, stopping before you start is ideal but if you can't do that, then at least reverse course mid-stream and re-direct.

You don't need to have specific, pointed questions at the ready... sometimes all people need is an open invitation to elaborate. It could literally be, "tell me more about what lead to XYX" or "you've got to give me more details on ABC."
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:44 AM on December 10, 2014

I am afflicted by this as well and the others have it. Ask lots of questions! Pick a party, decide upfront that you won't tell a story unless someone asks you a question, and decide you will focus your energy on learning as much about other people as you can.
posted by cecic at 9:45 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

If you have to fill the conversation gaps, fill them with open-ended questions. James Spradley's book The Ethnographic Interview suggests the following topics:

Space--places, arrangements of things, travel, etc.
Time--history, life story, cycles of events, etc.
People--family, friends, co-workers, etc.
Objects--tools, collections, clothing, etc.
Activities--work, hobbies, sports, cooking, housework, etc.
Events--special occasions, things coming up on a work calendar, stuff that happens routinely once a year, etc.

Listen for these things as people mention them, and ask to hear more about either specific or typical instances of them. Avoid questions that contain their own answers, yes/no questions, and questions that make assumptions.

I'm not saying this will make you a sparkling conversationalist, but it certainly passes the time without you having to fill very much of it.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:48 AM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]

I highly recommend you read How to Win Friends and Influence People.

I've become a bad listener over the years and tend to respond to someone's story with a story of my own.
I used to do this. It was, IMO, an attempt to empathize with the person in an effort to keep the conversation going ("Oh, I too have experienced XYZ, we are similar people; friendship achievement unlocked" ::robot arms::); but it probably came off more like Penelope from SNL.
I had to just make a rule of not telling any stories about myself for a while -- any questions about me ("so what do you do?"), I'd answer quickly and then divert back to the other person ("I'm a lawyer, what about you?" [answer] "tell me more about that/how'd you get into that/etc"). You can practice coming up with these throwing-back responses at home before going to your next social gathering. Then the next time you're at a party, try to not tell any stories about yourself -- zero. It's basically like a more advanced, one-sided version of the questions game.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:59 AM on December 10, 2014 [17 favorites]

If you are seeing people you've seen before, try to remember something about them and ask about it - "how is the widget business this year?" "Last time we talked, you were telling me about your cat - how is your cat?" "Clara mentioned that you were in her book group...." For me, I tend to develop narratives about people - (there's Joe, he was going to California, I wonder how that went) and then curiousity, and it's easier to participate more equally. Honestly, I still talk too much - but at least when I ask some questions and clearly pay attention to the responses, people know that I care about them and hear what they say.
posted by Frowner at 10:24 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

I agree with training yourself to ask more questions. Restrict yourself to only asking questions when you are in social situations. It forces you to listen so that you derail that part of you that's just waiting for someone else to stop talking so that you can start.
posted by quince at 10:31 AM on December 10, 2014

Adopt the one sentence rule. If what you want to say doesn't fit in one sentence then don't say it.
posted by SyraCarol at 10:48 AM on December 10, 2014

I understand that this is a common american affliction so you are not alone. I remember being at a dinner table with three other yackers and at one point it was breathtaking how everyone was talking at the same time about something slightly different. All I can suggest is to self consciously put the brakes on and verbally sit on your hands. You already have selfawareness which is 90 percent of the battle. Unfortunately at first, (maybe for ever,) listening does not feel as good as talking, so it is basically an effort of selfcontrol that you have to make. Avoid alcohol and don't beat yourself up about it.
posted by Pembquist at 11:38 AM on December 10, 2014

When I find myself doing this, I try to return to the story they were telling. Like so:

Friend: We went to see Big Movie last weekend.
Me: Me, too! The strangest thing happened on our way to the theater... [blah blah blah, then I notice I've commandeered the conversation] Anyway, so what did you think of Big Movie?
Friend: It was great! I really liked the first act... [etc.]

I can't always catch myself before I start, but I can at least make it a closed loop returning to where I derailed things.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:38 AM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]

At parties, especially, I find it helps to avoid drinking any alcohol.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 12:00 PM on December 10, 2014

I have a friend that does this and you're correct that it kind of toes (and often steps over) the line between "lovable quirk" and "incredibly frustrating." If my compulsive talker friend ever asked me to, I'd be happy to help her work on this by developing a hand signal or something to let her know the conversation has become unbalanced.
posted by MsMolly at 12:23 PM on December 10, 2014

Try trusting that you are interesting enough in your own right, without having to constantly prove it with a witty monologue.

Pay attention to people's body language cues that signal they'd like to end this conversation now, but are too polite to say so. Are their feet pointing away from you? Are they frequently glancing away from your face? Looking at their watch/empty glass? Opening their mouths to speak, but rapidly closing them again because they can't find an opening? The first time you spot one of those cues, redirect the conversation back to the other person, so that they have the chance to either continue the conversation, or politely leave it.

If you stopped talking and just listened, what would that mean? What's so scary about it? If you can figure out why you're so afraid to have even a moment's pause in the conversation, that might go a long way toward helping you fix this habit.
posted by culfinglin at 12:37 PM on December 10, 2014

I have this problem although I have gotten better about controlling it. It's definitely worse when alcohol is involved, so I do recommend not drinking too much at these social functions.
posted by radioamy at 12:47 PM on December 10, 2014

Don't expect perfection!

Right! One thing I found that helps if I realize I'm doing this is to allow myself to stop mid-sentence (or even mid-inhale-about-to-speak) and verbally acknowledge to the other person/people that I've caught myself: "Oh! I once st-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

It kind of earns me a little good will and makes being mindful very easy from that point forward in the conversation.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:51 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

I had a similar problem and noticed it became much less of a problem once I started taking citalopram (for entirely unrelated reasons, of course). It was like I instantly (well, after about two weeks) gained much better impulse control.
Not sure if it's relevant to your situation but - do you have difficulties with impulse control in other areas of your life? Maybe talking to a professional could help, if that's the case.

Otherwise, deciding not to speak of myself at all has also helped me in the past. It was like a little game, how much silence can I get away with while still being polite? The game was fun at times and quite effective.

Good luck.
posted by SecondSock at 11:13 AM on December 11, 2014