Tell me about being a "good enough" mother
December 9, 2014 3:19 PM Subscribe
How can I deal with freaking out about being a good parent?
I am plagued with anxieties over whether I am a "good enough" mother for my seven month old infant. (Yes, have an appt. with a therapist, as I know this will come up, but I'm not convinced therapy is the only answer.)
I'm constantly thinking about things I've done wrong as a mother (e.g., recently buying a product secondhand without checking whether it had a recall, and having exactly the problem the recall was for.) Most recently, today I read this article in the Guardian about problems with nurseries/childcare, and I have my child in three days a week in (what I think) is a nice home daycare. Every day, I beat myself up for choices I've made about what she eats, plays with, how she sleeps, etc., and then I worry about her growing up with a neurotic mother.
I even think BACK to things I should have done when she was just born -- help her with a bedtime routine earlier, for example, or baby equipment that I should or should not have bought.
So, besides therapy, what worked for you in overcoming these anxieties, particularly about childcare? What can I read on this? How can I know if I'm being good enough? What made you feel like you were a "good enough" parent? Books, articles, reality checks very welcome!
I am plagued with anxieties over whether I am a "good enough" mother for my seven month old infant. (Yes, have an appt. with a therapist, as I know this will come up, but I'm not convinced therapy is the only answer.)
I'm constantly thinking about things I've done wrong as a mother (e.g., recently buying a product secondhand without checking whether it had a recall, and having exactly the problem the recall was for.) Most recently, today I read this article in the Guardian about problems with nurseries/childcare, and I have my child in three days a week in (what I think) is a nice home daycare. Every day, I beat myself up for choices I've made about what she eats, plays with, how she sleeps, etc., and then I worry about her growing up with a neurotic mother.
I even think BACK to things I should have done when she was just born -- help her with a bedtime routine earlier, for example, or baby equipment that I should or should not have bought.
So, besides therapy, what worked for you in overcoming these anxieties, particularly about childcare? What can I read on this? How can I know if I'm being good enough? What made you feel like you were a "good enough" parent? Books, articles, reality checks very welcome!
I'm 31, and my anxious mom *still* thinks she was a bad mother and constantly apologize for it. I am always dumbfounded because we always had a great relationship! I think worrying about your parenting skills are actually the sign of a good parent - if you weren't worrying at all, it would mean that you're not paying attention!
As for overcoming these anxieties, you could try to use some CBT techniques. One is a thought record (example), which helps you examine negative thoughts and reframe them. You could also do an "appreciation journal" where each day you write something that you appreciate about yourself or someone appreciates about you.
posted by radioamy at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
As for overcoming these anxieties, you could try to use some CBT techniques. One is a thought record (example), which helps you examine negative thoughts and reframe them. You could also do an "appreciation journal" where each day you write something that you appreciate about yourself or someone appreciates about you.
posted by radioamy at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
We all make mistakes as parents. I think you need to tell yourself that mistakes are ok, be kind to yourself. We all screw up in a variety of ways and as my late FIL used to say to us when we were tearing our hair out "pretty much no matter what you do kids grow up."
There is no one perfect way to parent. As the parent of three 20-somethings I'm still chewing over parenting choices - the problems get bigger and the consequences more dire. I think one has to realize that short of being abusive or neglectful your baby will be ok. If you have other parents of young kids you can spend some time with you may find it comforting and yes therapy sounds wise.
Specifically re childcare I think it's good for kids to spend time with people other than their immediate family and it's good for parents to both be able to pay the bills and maintain their sanity. If you're lucky a good caregiver becomes another support and a meaningful relationship. We recently attended our long-time sitter's oldest child's wedding and she hasn't sat for us in many years but our kids and her's have a deep relationship as does she and our kids.
posted by leslies at 4:00 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
There is no one perfect way to parent. As the parent of three 20-somethings I'm still chewing over parenting choices - the problems get bigger and the consequences more dire. I think one has to realize that short of being abusive or neglectful your baby will be ok. If you have other parents of young kids you can spend some time with you may find it comforting and yes therapy sounds wise.
Specifically re childcare I think it's good for kids to spend time with people other than their immediate family and it's good for parents to both be able to pay the bills and maintain their sanity. If you're lucky a good caregiver becomes another support and a meaningful relationship. We recently attended our long-time sitter's oldest child's wedding and she hasn't sat for us in many years but our kids and her's have a deep relationship as does she and our kids.
posted by leslies at 4:00 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm wrestling with the childcare thing myself so I can't help you with that, but what I would say is that the more I read about babies, the more it seems like routines and baby equipment really, really don't matter: all your baby really needs is for you to love her. I think trusting your instincts really pays as a parent - whatever you feel your baby needs probably is what they need, and you're getting a lot of things exactly right without even thinking about it. The more securely attached to you your child is, the better they will be able to handle being away from you, too.
I read recently that it's ironic that everyone talks about how babies should come with an instruction manual, because so much of the time it's the manuals that get it wrong, not the parents. Would you be worrying about your baby's bedtime routine if no-one had ever told you she should have one? Probably not. Would you pick her up and hold her when she cries if no-one had ever instructed you to? Almost certainly. My guess is you, like most parents who are convinced they're Doing It Wrong, are in fact doing just fine.
posted by raspberry-ripple at 4:06 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
I read recently that it's ironic that everyone talks about how babies should come with an instruction manual, because so much of the time it's the manuals that get it wrong, not the parents. Would you be worrying about your baby's bedtime routine if no-one had ever told you she should have one? Probably not. Would you pick her up and hold her when she cries if no-one had ever instructed you to? Almost certainly. My guess is you, like most parents who are convinced they're Doing It Wrong, are in fact doing just fine.
posted by raspberry-ripple at 4:06 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
If you want to see where the idea of good enough mother comes from check this out.
Good enough mothers get their children to the point where the child can see the mother as a fallible human being who make mistakes and still lives a good live.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:10 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Good enough mothers get their children to the point where the child can see the mother as a fallible human being who make mistakes and still lives a good live.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:10 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's totally normal to lie awake at night worrying about your parenting - babies need slightly neurotic parents who double heck if the milk is the right temperature - but if you are crying over this, or worrying to the point where you don't feel you deserve to be a parent, or feel too sad and anxious to enjoy time with your baby, your anxiety is hurting you. A friend of mine had a pre-baby anxiety disorder and needed extra meds and appointments to manage the anxiety overwhelming when the baby came, but a year on both are thriving.
If you were neglecting or being a bad mother after seven months, I promise you that plenty of people would have pointed that out thoroughly. Mothers get lots of judgement and if the majority is self-critism, it's probably runaway anxiety and you are objectively a good mum.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:19 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you were neglecting or being a bad mother after seven months, I promise you that plenty of people would have pointed that out thoroughly. Mothers get lots of judgement and if the majority is self-critism, it's probably runaway anxiety and you are objectively a good mum.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:19 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
What can I read on this?
I'd say stop reading things on parenting for a while. Take a month, don't log in to Facebook, don't read any threads or articles about parenting, children, mothers, etc. For almost every parenting decision you make, you'll be able to find people advocating for it and people advocating against it, studies showing children can't survive without it and studies showing children die because of it. You have to tune out all of that noise for a while to learn to start following - and trusting - your own inner compass.
That said, perhaps a read through the Paradox of Choice would be helpful -- we're living in a society with so many valid options and paths to raising healthy children, being anxious over the decisions you have to make, even about small things, is understandable.
posted by melissasaurus at 4:22 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'd say stop reading things on parenting for a while. Take a month, don't log in to Facebook, don't read any threads or articles about parenting, children, mothers, etc. For almost every parenting decision you make, you'll be able to find people advocating for it and people advocating against it, studies showing children can't survive without it and studies showing children die because of it. You have to tune out all of that noise for a while to learn to start following - and trusting - your own inner compass.
That said, perhaps a read through the Paradox of Choice would be helpful -- we're living in a society with so many valid options and paths to raising healthy children, being anxious over the decisions you have to make, even about small things, is understandable.
posted by melissasaurus at 4:22 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think the fact that you are worrying is, paradoxically, a sign that you are being a good mother. Bad mothers tend to see themselves as good or at least "doing their best" and their kids as bad, troublesome, "too strong-willed," etc.
High-quality day care benefits kids. As long as you are choosing good daycare run by professionals who are sensitive to your concerns and your child's needs, your child will do just fine.
In addition to therapy, be sure you talk to your regular doctor. Some physical conditions, like thyroid imbalances (which are very common in women) can cause anxiety. And there could be lingering post-partum depression, as well.
Are you getting enough sleep? I know, all the moms on the green are probably doubled up in laughter right now at the question! But, sleep is important. Can you get your husband, your mom, a night nanny, anyone, to take over the night-wakings (you can pump if you are nursing) so you can get one night of uninterrupted sleep? Just refilling your sleep tank might make you feel better.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:42 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
High-quality day care benefits kids. As long as you are choosing good daycare run by professionals who are sensitive to your concerns and your child's needs, your child will do just fine.
In addition to therapy, be sure you talk to your regular doctor. Some physical conditions, like thyroid imbalances (which are very common in women) can cause anxiety. And there could be lingering post-partum depression, as well.
Are you getting enough sleep? I know, all the moms on the green are probably doubled up in laughter right now at the question! But, sleep is important. Can you get your husband, your mom, a night nanny, anyone, to take over the night-wakings (you can pump if you are nursing) so you can get one night of uninterrupted sleep? Just refilling your sleep tank might make you feel better.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:42 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
There is a chapter in Freakonomics about how studies have shown that who a child turns out to be has much more to do with what type of people their parents are rather than the specific decisions those parents make. The example I remember was about reading: just having books in the house makes it more likely that the child will perform at a high academic level, regardless of whether the parents push their child to read according to any sort of schedule or program.
I'm not a parent (and it should be noted that I read that book a good seven years ago, so I may be recalling details incorrectly), but that chapter really stuck with me nonetheless. The long and short of it, to me, is that if you're sitting there being worried about whether you're a good parent, you're probably doing fine.
posted by something something at 4:56 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not a parent (and it should be noted that I read that book a good seven years ago, so I may be recalling details incorrectly), but that chapter really stuck with me nonetheless. The long and short of it, to me, is that if you're sitting there being worried about whether you're a good parent, you're probably doing fine.
posted by something something at 4:56 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
A number of prominent researchers and their studies suggest that your parenting actually may not matter much at all, or that there is very little proof that parenting is important in forming children's character and personality - instead, it appears to be genetics and peer influence.
From the second linked article:
"Once I became a dad, I noticed that parents around me had a different take on the power of nurture. I saw them turning parenthood into a chore—shuttling their kids to activities even the kids didn’t enjoy, forbidding television, desperately trying to make their babies eat another spoonful of vegetables. Parents’ main rationale is that their effort is an investment in their children’s future; they’re sacrificing now to turn their kids into healthy, smart, successful, well-adjusted adults. But according to decades of twin research, their rationale is just, well, wrong. High-strung parenting isn’t dangerous, but it does make being a parent a lot more work and less fun than it has to be.
The obvious lesson to draw is that parents should lighten up. I call it “Serenity Parenting”: Parents need the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can, and (thank you twin research) the wisdom to know the difference. Focus on enjoying your journey with your child, instead of trying to control his destination. Accept that your child’s future depends mostly on him, not your sacrifices."
It might help to read some of the research and theory behind this hypothesis. I think most parents have a pretty hard time accepting the idea that what they do really doesn't matter, but if you consider the fact that people whose job it is to do research on parenting are having trouble proving that parenting makes any difference at all… it's hard to imagine that little things on a daily basis that you're doing are really that big a deal.
Reading about historical parenting principles and theory might also be helpful. As the first linked above article comments:
"Parenting practices are a product of the culture. Just in my lifetime, the philosophy of parenting has undergone a complete reversal. I was born in 1938, and my parents didn't worry about my self-esteem: they worried that too much praise or attention would "spoil" me and make me conceited! Parents showed very little interest in their children's schoolwork in those days — that was the teacher's business, not theirs. And of course, physical punishment was used routinely. Despite these sweeping changes, personality traits have not changed — people today are no nicer than the people in earlier generations. But it does no good to tell that to the helicopter parents. They are convinced that they are playing an essential role in their child's life. Perhaps their children will look back at these efforts with amusement someday."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:00 PM on December 9, 2014 [10 favorites]
From the second linked article:
"Once I became a dad, I noticed that parents around me had a different take on the power of nurture. I saw them turning parenthood into a chore—shuttling their kids to activities even the kids didn’t enjoy, forbidding television, desperately trying to make their babies eat another spoonful of vegetables. Parents’ main rationale is that their effort is an investment in their children’s future; they’re sacrificing now to turn their kids into healthy, smart, successful, well-adjusted adults. But according to decades of twin research, their rationale is just, well, wrong. High-strung parenting isn’t dangerous, but it does make being a parent a lot more work and less fun than it has to be.
The obvious lesson to draw is that parents should lighten up. I call it “Serenity Parenting”: Parents need the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can, and (thank you twin research) the wisdom to know the difference. Focus on enjoying your journey with your child, instead of trying to control his destination. Accept that your child’s future depends mostly on him, not your sacrifices."
It might help to read some of the research and theory behind this hypothesis. I think most parents have a pretty hard time accepting the idea that what they do really doesn't matter, but if you consider the fact that people whose job it is to do research on parenting are having trouble proving that parenting makes any difference at all… it's hard to imagine that little things on a daily basis that you're doing are really that big a deal.
Reading about historical parenting principles and theory might also be helpful. As the first linked above article comments:
"Parenting practices are a product of the culture. Just in my lifetime, the philosophy of parenting has undergone a complete reversal. I was born in 1938, and my parents didn't worry about my self-esteem: they worried that too much praise or attention would "spoil" me and make me conceited! Parents showed very little interest in their children's schoolwork in those days — that was the teacher's business, not theirs. And of course, physical punishment was used routinely. Despite these sweeping changes, personality traits have not changed — people today are no nicer than the people in earlier generations. But it does no good to tell that to the helicopter parents. They are convinced that they are playing an essential role in their child's life. Perhaps their children will look back at these efforts with amusement someday."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:00 PM on December 9, 2014 [10 favorites]
Imagine that your best friend or someone that you look up to made the same parenting decisions as you are making. Would you call them stupid? Would you criticize them and say hurtful, hateful things to them? No, you wouldn't. So stop doing that to yourself.
I get into hyper critical funks every now and then and I take a moment to listen to the mess that I'm telling myself about myself. If it is something that I wouldn't say to a friend then I intentionally discard it and replace it with something positive.
posted by myselfasme at 5:01 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I get into hyper critical funks every now and then and I take a moment to listen to the mess that I'm telling myself about myself. If it is something that I wouldn't say to a friend then I intentionally discard it and replace it with something positive.
posted by myselfasme at 5:01 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
It sounds like anxiety is the problem, NOT your parenting. You sound like a very diligent and caring as a parent (I remember reading your sleep training question), but you sound very hard on yourself.
For me I try to go with my gut (sometimes this involves some research before I know what my gut is saying), and then accept that I can't control the outcome. This works for me because most of the time I'm not anxious - right before my period is the exception. Do not underestimate hormones (and other physical causes) of anxiety. They will mess. you. up.
Try understanding that you won't be perfect, you will make mistakes because no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. And that this is normal. This is the rule, not the exception. In fact there is no "perfect" choice of what to feed her, what to dress her in, how she sleeps etc. If you can, let the fact that there is no single "right" answer to most child care decisions free you from the constant angst and self-reproach. Since there is no single "right" answer, all you can do, let me repeat, ALL YOU CAN DO, is your best. Make a choice that you think is in the best interest of your child (and by extension your family and self as they effect your child), and forgive yourself for not being able to tell the future.
And paradoxically I've found that often decisions I feel the most paralyzed on, are the ones where there is minimal evidence to distinguish between the options, and so where the potential gains of picking the "objectively" better choice is miniscule. Picture me standing in the baby food aisle frozen by the decision to buy the plum organics chicken and veggie packet or the happy baby chicken and veggie packet. I can't friggin decide because it really doesn't matter. There is a tipping point where research into options has diminishing returns, try and be aware of when you're approaching that tipping point. And then redirect your energy into tickling, singing, dancing, raspberries, cuddling or whatever.
But I think above all, I think treating your anxiety should be your number one priority.
posted by pennypiper at 5:04 PM on December 9, 2014
For me I try to go with my gut (sometimes this involves some research before I know what my gut is saying), and then accept that I can't control the outcome. This works for me because most of the time I'm not anxious - right before my period is the exception. Do not underestimate hormones (and other physical causes) of anxiety. They will mess. you. up.
Try understanding that you won't be perfect, you will make mistakes because no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. And that this is normal. This is the rule, not the exception. In fact there is no "perfect" choice of what to feed her, what to dress her in, how she sleeps etc. If you can, let the fact that there is no single "right" answer to most child care decisions free you from the constant angst and self-reproach. Since there is no single "right" answer, all you can do, let me repeat, ALL YOU CAN DO, is your best. Make a choice that you think is in the best interest of your child (and by extension your family and self as they effect your child), and forgive yourself for not being able to tell the future.
And paradoxically I've found that often decisions I feel the most paralyzed on, are the ones where there is minimal evidence to distinguish between the options, and so where the potential gains of picking the "objectively" better choice is miniscule. Picture me standing in the baby food aisle frozen by the decision to buy the plum organics chicken and veggie packet or the happy baby chicken and veggie packet. I can't friggin decide because it really doesn't matter. There is a tipping point where research into options has diminishing returns, try and be aware of when you're approaching that tipping point. And then redirect your energy into tickling, singing, dancing, raspberries, cuddling or whatever.
But I think above all, I think treating your anxiety should be your number one priority.
posted by pennypiper at 5:04 PM on December 9, 2014
You need other moms. Do you have moms you can talk to? A really good mom for you would be a mom with a kid a year older and another baby in the mix. Heh. She can tell you that you're doing okay.
posted by amanda at 5:06 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by amanda at 5:06 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
You need other moms. Do you have moms you can talk to? A really good mom for you would be a mom with a kid a year older and another baby in the mix. Heh. She can tell you that you're doing okay.
*waves* better to have some in person mom's but feel free to memail me :)
(and seriously, the second kid really does underline how little some of the decisions we make effect the outcome -- like bed time routines, yeesh, #1 has had the whole nine yards from nearly day 1, and #2 is lucky if we put pj's on her before bed "that onesie isn't too dirty...". I'll let you guess which one is the good sleeper)
posted by pennypiper at 5:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
My mother-in-law likes to tell a story from her childhood about this. She was just a kid, but she was taking care of her youngest sibling, and something or other happened. The important thing was she went running to her mother, crying, "Mama, Mama! The baby fell off the bed!" And her mom was like, "Don't worry! The floor will catch it."
And generally speaking, that's really true. I mean, far be it from me to condone recklessness or imprudence, but there are an awful lot of domains in which the expected case is for things to be fine. So it's been a good mantra for me in coping not with child-rearing but a lot of over-thinking, because the story's not just reassuringly true but also kind of funny, making it more memorable.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:28 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
And generally speaking, that's really true. I mean, far be it from me to condone recklessness or imprudence, but there are an awful lot of domains in which the expected case is for things to be fine. So it's been a good mantra for me in coping not with child-rearing but a lot of over-thinking, because the story's not just reassuringly true but also kind of funny, making it more memorable.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:28 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Yes to needing other moms to talk with!
I am a pretty anxious and neurotic mom, but my kid going to daycare full time is the one thing I don't worry about. I think about this way- it's more people to love him, more people to teach him things I wouldn't think to teach, different ideas and outlooks on life he gets to be exposed to. It's not all sunshine and roses, but the net good outweighs some of the things I'm not thrilled about. Popular opinion right now seems to be that only a parent at home with the kid(s) is the best way for every family to function, and I think that's a really pernicious myth.
I find the mom blog Renegade Mothering to be a nice sanity check. It's the only mommy blog I read and it makes me feel less alone and it's often funny.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 6:02 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I am a pretty anxious and neurotic mom, but my kid going to daycare full time is the one thing I don't worry about. I think about this way- it's more people to love him, more people to teach him things I wouldn't think to teach, different ideas and outlooks on life he gets to be exposed to. It's not all sunshine and roses, but the net good outweighs some of the things I'm not thrilled about. Popular opinion right now seems to be that only a parent at home with the kid(s) is the best way for every family to function, and I think that's a really pernicious myth.
I find the mom blog Renegade Mothering to be a nice sanity check. It's the only mommy blog I read and it makes me feel less alone and it's often funny.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 6:02 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
My daughter is four months old. I'm still basically working on the "keep her clean and loved" technique and leaving the rest up to the daycare people. That's what I pay 'em for while I simply try to stay awake.
There are so very many things I could be anxious about. I've got depression and ADD and anxiety and am the queen of beanplating EVERYTHING. My strategy is simply to ignore everything, because so much conflicting advice cancels itself out. So I try not to overwhelm myself with mommy blogs or Pinterest or anything like that; I just let things happen and let my baby lead me with her body and her expressions. As long as she's more or less hitting her milestones, I'm cool with it.
I mean, I'm not stupid. I do my research. But I usually wait until I need it. Or I ask my three close friends who have young children (hey Kathryn!) and weigh their advice. I know WHERE to look, as opposed to trying to prepare myself for any eventuality, because oh my god are there so many of them.
For many years, I thought my mom was a good mom. But she did a lot of stuff which it's taken me 35 years to recognize as manipulative and hurtful. She made fun of me and my deepest fears in public. She threw me in a snow bank in our front yard when I was barefoot. She refused to separate me and my brother while fighting, such that when I was 20 he was still kicking me in the head. She put an eel head in my Christmas stocking.
And she once told me that she felt like a failure as a mother because I had free will.
So treat your child kindly and NOT LIKE THAT, and you'll be fine.
I was reading some article or other today and found this passage from The Prophet that I'm sure has been shared absolutely everywhere, but it felt like I was reading it for the first time.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
posted by Madamina at 6:32 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
There are so very many things I could be anxious about. I've got depression and ADD and anxiety and am the queen of beanplating EVERYTHING. My strategy is simply to ignore everything, because so much conflicting advice cancels itself out. So I try not to overwhelm myself with mommy blogs or Pinterest or anything like that; I just let things happen and let my baby lead me with her body and her expressions. As long as she's more or less hitting her milestones, I'm cool with it.
I mean, I'm not stupid. I do my research. But I usually wait until I need it. Or I ask my three close friends who have young children (hey Kathryn!) and weigh their advice. I know WHERE to look, as opposed to trying to prepare myself for any eventuality, because oh my god are there so many of them.
For many years, I thought my mom was a good mom. But she did a lot of stuff which it's taken me 35 years to recognize as manipulative and hurtful. She made fun of me and my deepest fears in public. She threw me in a snow bank in our front yard when I was barefoot. She refused to separate me and my brother while fighting, such that when I was 20 he was still kicking me in the head. She put an eel head in my Christmas stocking.
And she once told me that she felt like a failure as a mother because I had free will.
So treat your child kindly and NOT LIKE THAT, and you'll be fine.
I was reading some article or other today and found this passage from The Prophet that I'm sure has been shared absolutely everywhere, but it felt like I was reading it for the first time.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
posted by Madamina at 6:32 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
I am not a parent, but I was a kid! That being said:
I wonder if a funny podcast like One Bad Mother would help take some of the edge off. To quote their site:
"One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis and Theresa Thorn about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren't all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing."
---
Also, just some notes to adjust your thought process as a fellow axiety-er. There's a lot of pressure to do the "right" thing. However I think you need to focus on the happiness and wellness of your child on a more normal scale, not a pinterest-perfect, does everything 100% "right" scale. You'll make mistakes, but you're only human. Is your kid happy and healthy? Great! I bet they will not care in the least that you let them eat too much junk food.
For example: There are tons of parents who would judge someone for using formula instead of breast-feeding, but as a baby that couldn't digest breast milk I'm here to tell you that I did just fine. I even graduated college with honors. (I also never took naps nor had a super regular bedtime routine.) So just make sure you're doing what's best for them without all the judgements.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:12 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I wonder if a funny podcast like One Bad Mother would help take some of the edge off. To quote their site:
"One Bad Mother is a comedy podcast hosted by Biz Ellis and Theresa Thorn about motherhood and how unnatural it sometimes is. We aren't all magical vessels!
Join us every week as we deal with the thrills and embarrassments of motherhood and strive for less judging and more laughing."
---
Also, just some notes to adjust your thought process as a fellow axiety-er. There's a lot of pressure to do the "right" thing. However I think you need to focus on the happiness and wellness of your child on a more normal scale, not a pinterest-perfect, does everything 100% "right" scale. You'll make mistakes, but you're only human. Is your kid happy and healthy? Great! I bet they will not care in the least that you let them eat too much junk food.
For example: There are tons of parents who would judge someone for using formula instead of breast-feeding, but as a baby that couldn't digest breast milk I'm here to tell you that I did just fine. I even graduated college with honors. (I also never took naps nor had a super regular bedtime routine.) So just make sure you're doing what's best for them without all the judgements.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:12 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm not a parent, but it helps with my anxiety and perfectionism to think about the downsides of THAT, as well as why the anxiety and perfectionism has been useful. That helps me better say to myself "I know that perfectionism helped you get through school as a high achiever, but in real life, it's actually making you SLOWER at everything, thus LESS effective at achieving the things you want to do." I found those questions and other exercises in the Feeling Good Handbook and the Anxiety /Phobia Workbook. Going through those might help you get behind your anxiety. But in the meantime, try reading up on the impacts of maternal anxiety. Considering the fact that trying to be perfect is its own form of imperfection is often enough to jolt me into a "that's good enough" mindset.
posted by salvia at 7:23 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 7:23 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I gotta go to bed so I can be a cheerful and loving parent in the morning, but I'll quote you something I posted in another thread recently:
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Here's how I framed daycare in my mind (we had a home daycare FWIW): I have a rough night with the baby, I wake up tired and frustrated at the world. I take baby to daycare where her babysitter is well-rested and NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! I go to work, catch my breath, and use my grownup brain but also miss baby, and by end of work I go rushing into daycare NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! And we go home and have snuggle time and play time and put her to bed and then we have a rough night and I wake up tired and frustrated at the world and lather rinse repeat.
I think it's good for a baby to always have someone happy to see her, as opposed to my maternity leave days of I love this baby more than life itself but if I have to spend one more hour alone in the house with this crying I am gonna lose my fucking shit.
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And you know? The Guardian can suck it. Our babysitter LOVES those babies. I mean, she LOVES them. There is not the tiniest little bit of doubt in my mind that she has been an incredibly valuable addition to our extended family, not to mention that she's seen all the shit it's possible for a toddler to pull, and this can be quite comforting to parents experiencing it for the first time. Also I cannot tell you how many times we've gone on a trip or something and totally cocked up the kids' schedules, and she's fixed those kids for us every time. :)
posted by telepanda at 8:31 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
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Here's how I framed daycare in my mind (we had a home daycare FWIW): I have a rough night with the baby, I wake up tired and frustrated at the world. I take baby to daycare where her babysitter is well-rested and NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! I go to work, catch my breath, and use my grownup brain but also miss baby, and by end of work I go rushing into daycare NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! And we go home and have snuggle time and play time and put her to bed and then we have a rough night and I wake up tired and frustrated at the world and lather rinse repeat.
I think it's good for a baby to always have someone happy to see her, as opposed to my maternity leave days of I love this baby more than life itself but if I have to spend one more hour alone in the house with this crying I am gonna lose my fucking shit.
-----
And you know? The Guardian can suck it. Our babysitter LOVES those babies. I mean, she LOVES them. There is not the tiniest little bit of doubt in my mind that she has been an incredibly valuable addition to our extended family, not to mention that she's seen all the shit it's possible for a toddler to pull, and this can be quite comforting to parents experiencing it for the first time. Also I cannot tell you how many times we've gone on a trip or something and totally cocked up the kids' schedules, and she's fixed those kids for us every time. :)
posted by telepanda at 8:31 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
The documentary Babies (Link to the complete documentary in the director's Vimeo account) was really eye-opening for me. It features four babies, one of them a little boy born in absolute poverty in Africa, who thrives and reaches all the normal milestones just like children in first world countries do. It is really impressive, and it completely changed my perception of child raising.
posted by clearlydemon at 9:53 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by clearlydemon at 9:53 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Have you talked to your doctor about post-partum depression? Depression and anxiety are very similar diseases.
posted by radioamy at 11:55 PM on December 9, 2014
posted by radioamy at 11:55 PM on December 9, 2014
Read some books by economists, such as Freakonomics or Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids. They talk about what is and isn't actually correlated with higher test scores in kids. As something something said above, it's mostly about what you are, not what you do.
It might also help to read accounts of truly abusive parents. That's the kind of parenting that really causes problems for kids, not buying the wrong baby equipment. Putting your baby in daycare does not make you a monster. That would be people like the parents who sell their baby for sex, like this (you may just want to take my word on that one, may be triggering).
Even that Guardian article admits that "putting a child under two in full-time nursery may have some adverse emotional and behavioural effects in the long term. These effects are modest and are accompanied by some, equally modest, positive effects on language and cognitive skills."
More from that Guardian article:
"Should these findings influence a parent considering nursery care for an under-two? Perhaps not, Belsky says. "Whether we are talking about the good news or the bad news, these are small effects," he says.
"When mothers come to me, and say, 'What should I do with my kid?' I say, 'The truth is these effects are small enough … I don't know if this is a decisive enough finding to tell you what to do with your kid. It's a probability not a certainty. The probability looks small, the effect is modest, not big. You might conclude therefore not to worry about it'."
Anecdotally, my two year old daughter is much more social than me or her dad. She loves her daycare. She's getting a level of social interaction there that I would really struggle to give her if she were at home with me, and I think it is good for her. Of course, this is going to vary depending on your baby's temperament, but I think it's really beneficial for an extroverted child of introverts like her.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:04 AM on December 10, 2014
It might also help to read accounts of truly abusive parents. That's the kind of parenting that really causes problems for kids, not buying the wrong baby equipment. Putting your baby in daycare does not make you a monster. That would be people like the parents who sell their baby for sex, like this (you may just want to take my word on that one, may be triggering).
Even that Guardian article admits that "putting a child under two in full-time nursery may have some adverse emotional and behavioural effects in the long term. These effects are modest and are accompanied by some, equally modest, positive effects on language and cognitive skills."
More from that Guardian article:
"Should these findings influence a parent considering nursery care for an under-two? Perhaps not, Belsky says. "Whether we are talking about the good news or the bad news, these are small effects," he says.
"When mothers come to me, and say, 'What should I do with my kid?' I say, 'The truth is these effects are small enough … I don't know if this is a decisive enough finding to tell you what to do with your kid. It's a probability not a certainty. The probability looks small, the effect is modest, not big. You might conclude therefore not to worry about it'."
Anecdotally, my two year old daughter is much more social than me or her dad. She loves her daycare. She's getting a level of social interaction there that I would really struggle to give her if she were at home with me, and I think it is good for her. Of course, this is going to vary depending on your baby's temperament, but I think it's really beneficial for an extroverted child of introverts like her.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:04 AM on December 10, 2014
How can I know if I'm being good enough? What made you feel like you were a "good enough" parent? Books, articles, reality checks very welcome!
I feel for you, and do remember very well my own fears when my child was about that age. Everything was scary. I had no clue about what I should do.
The good news is, you can learn to be more self-confident (if I could, anybody can, honestly).
If you do go to therapy, find someone who can help you work on self confidence and trusting your instincts.
As your child grows this is what you will need most - because everyone and their sister knows how you should be doing it, but really only you know your child best.
And self-confidence will help you in sorting the chaff from the wheat when it comes to parenting adivce.
My boy just turned 6 (years) recently , and I still question sometimes whether I am good enough but I was able to learn to trust my instincts more.
And don't beat yourself up for having anxieties. No mom I know in real life does not have them.
The real question is how you deal with the anxieties - do you let them paralyse you or can you tackle them? I did not think I could but I surprised myself.
So see a therapist if you think it is helpful.
But do shop around! I have some experience with being in therapy, with various therapists, and the one thing I learned from this is a therapist is not god, and cannot magically fix you.
Also, a therapist might suit your best friend, but maybe you need someone else.
Ultimately, only I myself can help myself and the therapist can help me find the way.
I agree also with some of the above who advise to stay away from too much reading on parenting. During pregnancy I must have read every single book on parenting from the local library, and then some more until he was a few months old. And you know what? The info in the books and forums and generally on the internet is so diverse, you can find everything and its opposite. I needed to make up my mind what I wanted. And parenting is as prone to fads as any other cultural issue.
What helps me be and feel a good enough parent is the knowledge my child has no other mother. We are in this together and he trusts me.
The choices I made and make will all impact him greatly. But if I had not made them, someone else would have made them for me.
I am hesitant to agree that linking up with other moms will be helpful. For me, this was not the case. But then I am shy and retiring, and new social contacts stress me very much. And I felt easily swayed by whatever opinon the other woman held and questioned myself even more.
Instead I found a parenting counsellor who is also a trained therapist more helpful. She helped me gain the confidence to interact more with other moms and I no longer find it so scary. I saw her from when my son was about 6 months to 2 years, on a weekly basis, and she was my lifeline in many ways.
What I did enjoy also was attending a playgroup with my son once a week, as there the focus was on the children and not on the moms.
posted by 15L06 at 6:05 AM on December 10, 2014
I feel for you, and do remember very well my own fears when my child was about that age. Everything was scary. I had no clue about what I should do.
The good news is, you can learn to be more self-confident (if I could, anybody can, honestly).
If you do go to therapy, find someone who can help you work on self confidence and trusting your instincts.
As your child grows this is what you will need most - because everyone and their sister knows how you should be doing it, but really only you know your child best.
And self-confidence will help you in sorting the chaff from the wheat when it comes to parenting adivce.
My boy just turned 6 (years) recently , and I still question sometimes whether I am good enough but I was able to learn to trust my instincts more.
And don't beat yourself up for having anxieties. No mom I know in real life does not have them.
The real question is how you deal with the anxieties - do you let them paralyse you or can you tackle them? I did not think I could but I surprised myself.
So see a therapist if you think it is helpful.
But do shop around! I have some experience with being in therapy, with various therapists, and the one thing I learned from this is a therapist is not god, and cannot magically fix you.
Also, a therapist might suit your best friend, but maybe you need someone else.
Ultimately, only I myself can help myself and the therapist can help me find the way.
I agree also with some of the above who advise to stay away from too much reading on parenting. During pregnancy I must have read every single book on parenting from the local library, and then some more until he was a few months old. And you know what? The info in the books and forums and generally on the internet is so diverse, you can find everything and its opposite. I needed to make up my mind what I wanted. And parenting is as prone to fads as any other cultural issue.
What helps me be and feel a good enough parent is the knowledge my child has no other mother. We are in this together and he trusts me.
The choices I made and make will all impact him greatly. But if I had not made them, someone else would have made them for me.
I am hesitant to agree that linking up with other moms will be helpful. For me, this was not the case. But then I am shy and retiring, and new social contacts stress me very much. And I felt easily swayed by whatever opinon the other woman held and questioned myself even more.
Instead I found a parenting counsellor who is also a trained therapist more helpful. She helped me gain the confidence to interact more with other moms and I no longer find it so scary. I saw her from when my son was about 6 months to 2 years, on a weekly basis, and she was my lifeline in many ways.
What I did enjoy also was attending a playgroup with my son once a week, as there the focus was on the children and not on the moms.
posted by 15L06 at 6:05 AM on December 10, 2014
There is nothing you can do to guarantee that your child will be successful in life (however you define that). The flip side of that is, there is also nothing you can do that will guarantee that your child will NOT be successful in life. Yes, that includes horrific abuse, though I don't recommend doing that.
There is something you are doing (or not doing) that your kid will grow up to not like. But you can't really predict what that will be, since that depends on your kid's personality.
Just remember, if perfection in parenting were required, humans would have gone extinct a long time ago. There certainly would not be 7 billion of us.
posted by Anne Neville at 7:38 AM on December 10, 2014
There is something you are doing (or not doing) that your kid will grow up to not like. But you can't really predict what that will be, since that depends on your kid's personality.
Just remember, if perfection in parenting were required, humans would have gone extinct a long time ago. There certainly would not be 7 billion of us.
posted by Anne Neville at 7:38 AM on December 10, 2014
You're reflective. That is more than can be said for a hell of a lot of parents.
posted by tanktop at 8:54 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by tanktop at 8:54 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Lots of good responses here! I get your anxiety. For all the "relax, kids turn out fine" advice out there, there seem to be at least as many stories citing parents' actions or inactions for all manner of ill-effects. How to reconcile the two?
First, I don't think you have to worry about the reconciling while your child is an infant. At 7 months, you can know you're good enough if your child is either physically healthy and developmentally within a range of normal (and often that range is really big!), or if you're addressing any health or developmental concerns with professionals. You're good enough if you feel love for her (and it's clear you do).
For me, it was right around my daughter's first birthday when I finally started to relax as a mother, physically and emotionally. (I had this phantom jaw pain, complained to the dentist about it, etc. Turns out I was just holding my jaw and shoulder muscles tight for, oh, a good year.) Around that time, she began to feel less like a project with inputs and outputs to be monitored and perfectly calibrated and more like a fellow human, mostly just in light of her own physical and cognitive development and changing care needs rather than a conscious attitude change on my part. The inputs and outputs just seem to have so much gravity when you're dealing with a life counted in weeks or months. So my "you're good enough ifs" above probably sound glib, but that's where hindsight has brought me. You can go nuts over all the details, but you still can't ensure a specific end product.
Now my daughter is 3 1/2 and I try to model a good life, healthy habits, coping skills, and positive relationships, rather than focusing on individual actions. One thing that helped me get there (aside from the the inherent differences in parenting an infant vs. a toddler) was recognizing that I do think my parents were good parents, even as I can identify unhelpful and mildly damaging things they did when I was a kid. For the most part, they showed me how to be a good person, and they created opportunities for other caring adults to show me their ways to be good people, too. I'm not overly burdened with what I now consider mistakes on their part because they did provide a foundation of good judgment and a sense that people should try to do right by the world. It was just in the air, and I suspect it's in your air, too.
posted by Leona at 10:37 AM on December 10, 2014
First, I don't think you have to worry about the reconciling while your child is an infant. At 7 months, you can know you're good enough if your child is either physically healthy and developmentally within a range of normal (and often that range is really big!), or if you're addressing any health or developmental concerns with professionals. You're good enough if you feel love for her (and it's clear you do).
For me, it was right around my daughter's first birthday when I finally started to relax as a mother, physically and emotionally. (I had this phantom jaw pain, complained to the dentist about it, etc. Turns out I was just holding my jaw and shoulder muscles tight for, oh, a good year.) Around that time, she began to feel less like a project with inputs and outputs to be monitored and perfectly calibrated and more like a fellow human, mostly just in light of her own physical and cognitive development and changing care needs rather than a conscious attitude change on my part. The inputs and outputs just seem to have so much gravity when you're dealing with a life counted in weeks or months. So my "you're good enough ifs" above probably sound glib, but that's where hindsight has brought me. You can go nuts over all the details, but you still can't ensure a specific end product.
Now my daughter is 3 1/2 and I try to model a good life, healthy habits, coping skills, and positive relationships, rather than focusing on individual actions. One thing that helped me get there (aside from the the inherent differences in parenting an infant vs. a toddler) was recognizing that I do think my parents were good parents, even as I can identify unhelpful and mildly damaging things they did when I was a kid. For the most part, they showed me how to be a good person, and they created opportunities for other caring adults to show me their ways to be good people, too. I'm not overly burdened with what I now consider mistakes on their part because they did provide a foundation of good judgment and a sense that people should try to do right by the world. It was just in the air, and I suspect it's in your air, too.
posted by Leona at 10:37 AM on December 10, 2014
For all the "relax, kids turn out fine" advice out there, there seem to be at least as many stories citing parents' actions or inactions for all manner of ill-effects. How to reconcile the two?
Easily, if different things can screw up different kids. Kids have their own personalities and quirks. Kind of like how one set of baking instructions isn't going to work the same for all possible kinds of cookie dough. The problem is, it's really hard to know in advance what kind of personality your kid came pre-packaged with.
It doesn't help that there's disagreement on what, exactly, constitutes "turning out fine". There are a lot of cultural factors that go into everyone's ideas of what that is. To give just one example, suppose your kid graduates college and wants to move back in with you- fine or not? And cultures aren't static- your parents' or grandparents' generation might have answered that question very differently than most people in your culture would today.
posted by Anne Neville at 1:55 PM on December 10, 2014
Easily, if different things can screw up different kids. Kids have their own personalities and quirks. Kind of like how one set of baking instructions isn't going to work the same for all possible kinds of cookie dough. The problem is, it's really hard to know in advance what kind of personality your kid came pre-packaged with.
It doesn't help that there's disagreement on what, exactly, constitutes "turning out fine". There are a lot of cultural factors that go into everyone's ideas of what that is. To give just one example, suppose your kid graduates college and wants to move back in with you- fine or not? And cultures aren't static- your parents' or grandparents' generation might have answered that question very differently than most people in your culture would today.
posted by Anne Neville at 1:55 PM on December 10, 2014
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posted by Etrigan at 3:28 PM on December 9, 2014 [12 favorites]