Should I try to heal the rift within my friendship group or not?
December 6, 2014 5:32 AM   Subscribe

I had a short lived fling with a guy in my group of friends and it has caused a division. Should I try to remedy this situation?

Previously I asked this question after a one night stand was more or less giving me the cold shoulder - http://ask.metafilter.com/271036/Awkward-situation-with-guy-how-can-I-handle-and-resolve-this. The first time I saw this guy after the ONS he looked at the floor and blanked me (although his best friend now assures me this is only because he is "very shy").

Following this I stopped going to the gatherings arranged by him and his best friend who he lives with because I felt uncomfortable. The friends that were closer with me also stopped hanging out with him altogether. Shortly following this the guy arranged a group event that excluded me. Again my friends felt uncomfortable that they were invited and I wasn't, and therefore didn't go to the event.

I think the guy caught on because he then started inviting me out again but I didn't respond and my friends stopped accepting his invitations. We bumped into his best friend that he lives with and he said it was sad that the group didn't hang out anymore because of what had happened between us! Apparently the guy thought I "wanted more" (despite me telling him otherwise) which is probably why he stopped inviting me out for a while. In truth I think there were probably some feelings underlying on my part, but after some soul searching I know for sure that I don't want more with this guy, partly because of his personality and partly because I am still healing from a past relationship.

As I said previously it turns out my ONS has problems with anxiety & depression. As such he tends to view most situations in a terribly negative light and now thinks the group doesn't want to know him. I feel bad because when I am inviting friends out he is opting to stay home alone. Especially as now his best friend is spending more and more time with us rather than him (because he wants to see all of us). Feeling a sense of responsibility, I would like to try and remedy this situation for the comfort of my friends/the group, but is it worth it? Thoughts?
posted by Kat_Dubs to Human Relations (14 answers total)
 
I suppose you can host events and invite everyone. What this guy does is on him. Dynamics in groups change all the time for myriad reasons.

All you can do is invite everyone, what ONS decides to do is on him.

Don't try to meet with him or cajole him or any other drama filled whatsit. Be friendly and open, and what happens after that is out of your control.

The world doesn't revolve around you or him or weirdness between the two of you. Now that there's been some time between the awkwardness, it should be easier.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:38 AM on December 6, 2014 [6 favorites]


Have you sat down and talked with the guy since your one-night stand? I've read all your posts as you've written them and every time I get the feeling that 95% of the awkwardness could be fixed by an open and honest conversation. For example, after the one-night stand, he ignored you and it was weird and everyone told you he was shy and anxious. But did you ever speak to him directly about what happened? Or are you gathering your opinions completely from assumptions about his intent and what your mutual friends are telling you? Maybe he likes you! Maybe those feeling you have are something he's feeling too, but his anxiety is making him weird out about it.

And regarding what you wrote above, you quit going to events hosted by this guy because you felt awkward. Then he and his roommate stopped inviting you, and you and your friends were offended by this. What? Of course they stopped inviting you. You had already quit showing up.

It seems like every step of the way you have handled this to create maximum drama rather than just being a grown-up and talking to the guy. Stop gossiping with your friends about motives. Stop acting weird and excluding him on purpose and then being mad when he excludes you. TALK to him. This does not have to be weird. You had sex one time and you are friends and you have all the same friends. So unless you want to essentially start over with a new social circle from scratch, you're going to have to deal with this head on.
posted by something something at 6:16 AM on December 6, 2014 [37 favorites]


Don't take on this guy's issues. Don't make his problems your problems. You each did what you needed to do after your one night stand. It's not your job to go out of your way to make him feel comfortable unless you want to do that for yourself. It's especially not your job to "be cool" about things after he has been weird.

It's ok to invite him to stuff, or not, as you prefer. He can always reach out to you to talk if he has something he wants to discuss or fix.
posted by rosa at 6:18 AM on December 6, 2014 [2 favorites]


It really seems like you are 90% responsible for the drama here. You are assuming so much about what this guy is thinking and why he is doing what he does. Reviewing your past questions about this situation (you have posted three questions about a single one night stand), you make huge assumptions about him "blanking you in conversation" (I don't know this phrase, but you apparently mean he momentarily forgot your name ... so what? how do you know he wasn't distracted? maybe he was tired) when you were not even present for the conversation ... you say he has engaged in multiple online chats with you ... he said he wanted to be your friend.

And you declined invitations with him and play all these games based on your dubious interpretation of his behavior. In this current question, you are describing your own behavior as being all over the place.

1. You stopped going to gatherings organized by him and his friend, gatherings you were invited to.
2. Your FRIENDS "stopped hanging out with him altogether," in a show of support. (High school drama much?)
3. The guy arranged a group event that excluded you. (Why would he include you after 1 and 2?)
4. Your friends who were invited didn't go.
5. The guy started inviting you again but you didn't respond.
6. Your friends stopped accepting his invitations.
7. You, for some reason, think the guy thinks you "wanted more," and you sort of admit that in this question.

This sentence puzzles me, particularly the exclamation point: "We bumped into his best friend that he lives with and he said it was sad that the group didn't hang out anymore because of what had happened between us!" Why is what the friend said surprising to you? It seems like a totally reasonable statement.

I'm sorry, your behavior here seems totally toxic. It is no surprise the guy doesn't want anything more to do with you. He had every right, after the one night stand, to be a little awkward ... he explained the reasons for the awkwardness ... he owes you nothing, you both had a nice time ... and you have brought all this drama and divisiveness just because he didn't act exactly like you wanted him to act after the one night stand. He is entitled to his feelings. He has reached out to you in myriad ways after the one night stand, he has communicated with you, invited you to things ... and everything he has done is met with this weird, childish drama.

Unless you can stop with the silliness and drama that you are instigating, no, I don't think you should attempt to heal the rift.

This is so much ridiculousness over a one night stand.
posted by jayder at 6:34 AM on December 6, 2014 [31 favorites]


You need to just make a decision about who you're going to be friends with, do that thing, and just DROP all of this already.

I say this kindly and this is the advice I'd give to one of my own adult offspring:

How long was the actual one night stand? 18 hours at most?

How much time have you since wasted thinking about this guy, and your friends, and thinking about who's going to whose party and who isn't and the ramifications of all of this, and psychoanalyzing his behavior and his motives and his emotional state?

OMG JUST STOP IT ALREADY. Very few people in life are worthy of this much mental to-ing and fro-ing, and all of this over a one night stand?

Do this: in 30 seconds decide if you're going to be part of a social circle that includes a person you once slept with. If you are, just drop all this backstory and dramaz and just do things with the group. Say hi to this guy as you would say hi to everyone and then have your fun.

Or don't. Stop hanging out with these people.

The situation you're describing is maddeningly middle school mean girl antics and you and your other friends seem to be stirring it up. (You WERE invited but your friends didn't go because at one point he had stopped inviting you?)

If you want to move forward, just end all this petty nonsense already.

If you want to work toward everyone hanging out together without all this backstory nonsense and guessing of mental profiles and motivation, you should just invite EVERYONE out and have fun.
posted by kinetic at 7:05 AM on December 6, 2014 [7 favorites]


One thing that jumps out at me about this whole issue is that EVERYONE knows you had sex with him. WHY?

In the future, keep your private life private. That can help a TON with drama an awkwardness.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:07 AM on December 6, 2014 [14 favorites]


I guess I don't understand what would stop you from trying to be nice and inclusive to this guy - "Is it worth it?" implies that there is some sort of huge cost to you for including him, but I'm not seeing it. I think you realize you haven't handled this in the most responsible way, and that's why you feel guilty. That's totally fine - everyone handles stuff poorly every once in a while. However, when that happens, you don't double-down on your how you handled things - you apologize and move on.

If it were me, I'd apologize for including all of your mutual friends in your drama, and then start inviting him to things again. I would also understand if he no longer wanted to hang out with y'all - honestly, y'all have treated him poorly. If he does decline invitations, don't gossip with your friends about it.
posted by superlibby at 7:41 AM on December 6, 2014 [7 favorites]


Feeling a sense of responsibility,

Don't give in to this feeling. He is an adult and responsible for his own social life. Your group of friends has adjusted and moved on. You should too.
posted by headnsouth at 8:23 AM on December 6, 2014 [2 favorites]


It only "caused a division" because you stopped going to things you were invited to. Want to fix the division? Start going to group events again. You're making it much more complicated than it needs to be.
posted by MsMolly at 8:32 AM on December 6, 2014 [4 favorites]


First, I think the guy liked you.

Second, its fine to have him around. Go ahead and invite him and attend events where he is also invited.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:40 AM on December 6, 2014


This is 100% on you, and though you claim you feel responsibility for it all, you're going to a LOT of effort to ignore all advice given so you can look for a scapegoat.

Stop lying. Stop avoiding the truth. Take real responsibility here. Quit pretending like all these problems aren't really because you've chosen to stay a victim in a situation that was so ridiculously minor it could have been resolved with one straightforward conversation.

I think you like drama and feeling like you're the tragic hero when everyone else around you has supposedly given you up. You're the one who started avoiding this guy. You've bad mouthed him to others. If they've elected to stop making an effort, it's because you told them to.

Don't play dumb anymore if you really want to take responsibility for your life from now on.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:03 AM on December 6, 2014 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: Okay folks. I have now spoken to this guy and he's being very receptive/nice so I think (or hope) things may be on the end. Thanks everyone!

(ps. contrary to opinion I don't like drama!! I would like things to be easier from now on).
posted by Kat_Dubs at 11:53 AM on December 6, 2014 [2 favorites]


Holy crap, this is the same guy from the previous question a ~month ago. You're STILL shitstirring with this?

The friends that were closer with me also stopped hanging out with him altogether.

Well what did you tell them? how did you represent this to them? I can't believe that from the information provided in the past 3(!) threads about this that if they were just third party to this they would have made that move on their own.

I'm sorry, but you've handled this terribly. And if your friends cold shouldered the guy, i can't imagine a scenario where if they're Reasonable People you didn't misrepresent what's happened here to them and played him up as some sort of creeper while basically playing the innocent injured fawn to his wolf.

The person who has acted awkward here is you. In the last thread, you even managed to sell a bunch of people here on the idea that he was the villain mistreating you in some way.

He has tried over and over to diffuse the drama here, and you've performed CPR on it every time.

I really think you need to limit your contact with him to "hey, what's up" and just being present in the same space. You seem to have some investment in playing the victim, and have put time and energy in to convincing your friends this guy is terrible and to be avoided. You either need to stop that, and stop trying to have any sort of relationship with him even as friends, or stop acting like this situation isn't entirely of your own creation.

Otherwise, you're looking at a total quagmire that's pretty much going to be a cold fusion reactor of drama, in which you will probably lose some friends, and he'll end up hurt essentially for the crime of ever meeting you in the first place.
posted by emptythought at 7:43 PM on December 6, 2014 [1 favorite]


You still haven't spoken to this guy since your previous question about him and his parties, and this drama is still happening? Just speak to the guy and clear the air already. You seem to be doing your best to perpetuate this drama.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:29 PM on December 13, 2014


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