Preserving self-estrangement after dad's divorce

December 3, 2014 6:51 PM

A long time ago, my dad divorced my mom and got remarried. I cut off his side of the family for a long time. Recently, we reconnected. How do I tell my dad that I don't want to be involved with his family, or him, in the nicest possible way?

When I was a teenager, my dad divorced my mom and got remarried. I never got along with my stepfamily, even though they probably did everything right in trying to accept me. Prior to this, I always got along well with my dad, but became more withdrawn and distant as I couldn't deal with this new situation - didn't feel comfortable, didn't accept the new family, didn't have much in common with them, felt pressured to behave a certain way, etc. I'm sure he resented that I was not assimilating properly, and often became impatient with me.

At the same time, I resented that my family had split up; that my dad's personality had changed; that I had to shuttle back and forth between his house and my mom's every week; that I was being pressured to take all of this in stride; and that he kept hassling me over things like getting a job, "you should be doing this/that," etc. Eventually, I cut off my dad's side of the family for a long time. Over the years, he made numerous attempts to reconnect, but I ignored him. I did not miss him, was not curious about him, was relieved to be away, and as my step-siblings (who are strangers to me) got married and had kids, I did not care.

For some time, I second-guessed myself over having done this. Now, I view it (or have rationalized it) as necessary. I didn't sign up for any divorce. I gave it a shot, but some people just don't get along; c'est la vie. I shouldn't have to be ashamed of being me.

My dad and I recently re-met. He was pretty emotional. I felt nothing. I do not know what to say, but he is still wanting to get closer.

It's not that I'm mad at him, or wish him ill. Nor am I bitter. I'm glad he is happy.

1) How do I politely tell my dad that I don't really want to be involved with his family, or him?

2) Am I a sociopath?

posted by panem_et_circenses to Human Relations (15 answers total)

No, you're not a sociopath. You're an adult who was emotionally injured as a child during your parents' divorce.

This may not relate to your situation at all, but I would encourage you to carefully read the signs of parental alienation online. Your feelings sound very much like what an alienated child experiences.

If it fits, please see a counselor specializing in parental alienation. Nobody deserves to miss out on a healthy relationship with their parent.
posted by summerstorm at 7:12 PM on December 3, 2014 [8 favorites]

How important is it to you to have nothing at all to do with him? Is it something that would actively cause you grief, or is it just something that you just aren't terribly enthused about?

I ask, because it sounds like you're already pretty emotionally detached from the situation, and that this contact is unlikely to reopen old wounds for you. It may seem paradoxical, but the easiest option might just be to keep your dad at a polite distance, rather than affirm permanent estrangement (which may cause him to keep trying to pursue you.) Accept his friend request on Facebook, answer the phone if he calls you on Christmas/your birthday, but don't feel bad about saying "Hey, yeah, I'm meeting some folks and should really get out the door, nice talking to you bye" after requisite greetings have been exchanged, always have "other plans" when his family events come around, etc.

As for your second question: what's done is done and you can't make yourself feel any way you don't.
posted by kagredon at 7:43 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

Your choice doesn't make you a sociopath, but I'd certainly question whether cutting him out of your life is really as cut-and-dry and casual as you make it seem, or whether -- as you yourself suggest -- you're rationalizing a decision you're actually unsure about. Rationalization is a defense mechanism, used in order to avoid having to confront painful feelings and unpleasant thoughts.

You might want to seek out a good psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapist for short-term therapy to make sure this is what you really want to do.
posted by shivohum at 7:54 PM on December 3, 2014 [8 favorites]

It sounds like you are cutting yourself off from your bad feelings, which you associate with your dad because of how the divorce was handled. My guess is there are deeper feelings there than what you've allowed yourself to explore.

Nthing short term therapy to help sort this out. It doesn't mean you "have" to do anything, it just means whatever you decide will take into account all parts of you.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:18 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

I am usually very very positive and supportive of walking away from your parents. But not in your case.

I don't think you are a sociopath. I think you buried your feelings from the divorce. Deep.

If you want to, some kind of therapy can probably help you process the grief you've buried. Then you'll be free to reconnect.

There was a lot of abuse in my situation. There is no desire on either side to reconnect.

You're free not to revisit your childhood pain. You can live happily without your father in your life.

I'd do it if I had the chance. FWIW.
posted by jbenben at 8:19 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

I know on Metafilter it is very common for people to basically say "fuck your family of origin! Dissociate from your parents!" if there are bad feelings between parent and child. A lot of the time I totally get it and agree. Certainly any time when children were abused physically or mentally - absolutely, cut off contact. I certainly do not believe that a child owes a parent anything who has suffered abuse at their parents hands.

But... it sounds like your parents divorced and that your dad could have been better about it, maybe. I don't really see how this is deserving of cutting your father out of your life forever. Maybe it's because I'm a parent now but I can't imagine anything more painful than having my son decide one day that he wants nothing to do with me ever again. That is an incredibly, incredibly harsh punishment for what sound like misdemeanors rather than felonies. Can you really not just have a minimal relationship with him? If talking to him is just mildly annoying as opposed to actually harming you... I mean, the man is your father and it sounds like he loves you and took care of you while you grew up. I don't think children necessarily owe their parents anything for raising them, but I do find it troubling that you would cut your father out of your life completely for such seemingly minor problems. My heart kind of hurts for your dad here.

I really urge you to go to a therapist and talk about your feelings surrounding your dad. I don't think you are a sociopath, but I think that you are hurting a lot over your childhood and that you would be able to have a relationship with your dad if you worked through some things on your own. I really think that both you and your father would be better off for it. I sincerely hope you can get some help with this for both your sakes.
posted by gatorae at 8:34 PM on December 3, 2014 [39 favorites]

I'm in a similar situation, though there are some differences. No, you're not a sociopath. This is a really common reaction in kids who have been hurt by a parent's action during a divorce or afterward. Yes, I would agree with the other poster that no one should miss out on a healthy relationship with their parents, but sometimes that's not really in the cards. Sometimes it's better to move on. I tried several times to re-connect with my dad and yes, I did therapy, but I just came to the conclusion that even when I got over feeling angry about the past, and even as I empathized with his side of things, and even as I was okay with seeing him, I still just sort of realized I still didn't really see him as part of my life or want him there. People would say, "but he's your father" but definition of him being my "father" had just changed so much, it was hardly what people think being a father is about. Sometimes you have to stop trying to make a square fit in a round peg. In my case, I have siblings who do maintain a relationship with my father and it makes them feel badly often. They want it to work out, and sometimes it's okay, but often they feel let down and hurt. Whether it's because my dad is a jerk or it's a mere reality of him having a new, separate family of his own now, I don't know, but I definitely think my decision hasn't been wrong.

If you feel the need to explain, you could be semi-honest -- you realized you were more content with the way things were before when your relationship was more of an acquaintance-type because you don't really feel like his family is your family. I mean, everyone knows that the underlying truth is you're hurt by his actions in the divorce. You are hurt that he has found a new family that he spends his time with and you've become second fiddle. Maybe there are other parts of the divorce that were hurtful to you too. Maybe you don't trust him anymore. (And then on top of it, yeah, his new family isn't actually your family and maybe you don't feel comfortable with them, which is a legitimate way to feel.) If you want to say all that, go for it. If you never told him this and he's too dumb to figure it out on his own (as somehow parents in divorce often are), let him know. Or don't, it's your call.

You may just want to stop answering his calls/text and not go to visit him, and see if you feel a need to explain, or if it feels more "right" to just fade away. Then you give yourself some time to assess and avoid a big "here's what's happening" talk.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:35 PM on December 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

Why make it forever? Could you say, "Dad, after seeing you the other day for the first time in a while, I've determined I am not ready or interested in reconnecting. If that changes I'll let you know. Thanks."
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:37 PM on December 3, 2014 [6 favorites]

Are you able to be more specific on the circumstances of the divorce ie causing the resentment? How did his personality "change"? Would you consider talking on the phone with him a couple of times a year? He sounds heartbroken and like he really misses you... as mentioned upthread maybe just appease him with a little bit so that you're not technically estranged. Some people would give ANYTHING for their dad to make that much of an effort.
posted by treadstone11 at 8:39 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

For any reason, or no reason at all, you are free to not want your Dad in your life, and you are free to tell him so. The thing is, there is no magic spell you can say that will make it OK from his point of view, so honestly, don't bother with politeness. Be clear and blunt and make a clean break of it. "Dad, I'm glad you seem to be happy in your life with your new family, but I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore. Please don't contact me again." It's going to suck, and it may make you feel bad, but there is no way around it.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:47 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'd bet a lot that your dad was banking on the fact that things would work out just fine, and when they didn't, he did sincerely regret the pain that this caused you. I'm going to blunt in a way that a lot of people don't like to hear, but this should really have been his default assumption of the internal trauma that children will often experience when they go through divorce, not that they will naturally assimilate. Your dad's regret (which is probably sincere) is an unfortunately byproduct of the narrative that we often believe (and he perhaps bought into) about the effects of divorce on children; but it doesn't place a burden on you.

What I see happening here, and I can relate, is that you simply were not accommodated in a way that would allow you to flourish as a child, and your needs became secondary to a larger situation that you didn't ask for, were not comfortable in, and to be frank, should not have had to carry the burden for. Divorce happens often these days so parents are tempted to construct a narrative of resilient children who figure it out; but I think the real answer is that children are much more fragile than we want to admit, and if it looks like they are making it just fine, it's probably because they are often faking it to make it, not genuinely recovering.

I'm not sure what this means for you though. There are good things that can come through forgiveness, through showing mercy to those who are vulnerable and made legitimate mistakes that hurt us. The benefit isn't just to those whom we show mercy, either, as it can create healing in us in ways that we didn't always know that we needed.

I don't say that to put any pressure on you. That would be totally up to you. But you certainly are not a sociopath, as I see you as someone who suffered genuine emotional trauma and it effected you in a legitimate way. The answer to this question should always be along the lines of what you need in this situation, not what your obligations are. If anyone from your family is putting genuine pressure on you to do this as if you owe something, I think it just further confirms that there is a tone deafness to how painful it is to go through what you experienced.

This of course does not mean that there are never good reasons for parents to divorce for the good of the children, and of which the fallout of the trauma is the lesser of the two evils. I'm guessing, though, that you don't perceive this as being your experience. If so, it is okay to be angry at divorce and to create some distance. Good luck to you.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:55 PM on December 3, 2014 [15 favorites]

I keep getting struck by how blank things come across. Feeling nothing. Not caring. C'est la vie. To me it sounds like you had no way to yank the knife out, so instead you blunted your feelings as a way to stop hurting. And if so, I worry for you, because those feelings are likely still in there. And if you've shut down emotion because of this wound, it might get in the way of all kinds of things across your life. In my own experience, this kind of blunting is kind of all or nothing. Either you feel the wound or you feel nothing at all, about anything.

I used to think maybe I was a sociopath too, or something like it. I thought maybe I should be feeling more things. Turns out, yeah. Feelings were there alright, just blocked, hidden, made to go away, so they did, until i went through therapy and leared how to connect with them again. It must have been impossible to properly feel whatever grief and anger may have been bubbling up while living under a regime that was pressuring you to be fine. Impatience and resentment was expressed over your emotions, so you learned to block them in order keep the peace. That wasn't coming from you; it was something that was pushed at you. No wonder you don't feel anything around him -- that's what he wanted.

So maybe he still is twisting the knife. Maybe he has never properly reached out, never properly seen you or acknowledged what life was like for you, and even now only wants you to appear in a conveniently non-threatening emotional state, and maybe his overtures are pressuring you to swallow your feelings, and are beginning to make the estrangement your fault. If so you are right to keep your distance. Do what's best for yourself. But I don't think you're a sociopath. And I feel sadness for you, and I would like to encourage you to see a therapist and see if you can feel some these feelings and start to heal from the wounds.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:09 PM on December 3, 2014 [10 favorites]

With regards to question #2, I think the answer is no. I'm not any kind of expert, but I think one of the hallmark traits of a sociopath is someone who enjoys hurting others and derives pleasure from it. Not putting yourself in a situation that will hurt you, even if there is a secondary effect of causing someone else emotional pain, doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a self-actualised person who has set appropriate boundaries and is enforcing them. Your primary duty in every situation is to yourself and to ensure that your needs are met. Other people will feel how they feel about your life choices, but that's their business, not yours. You don't owe anyone a relationship, especially just because they feel bad that they don't have one.

With regards to question #1, I think formal is the best way to go. Keep your message about yourself and what you want. Something along the lines of "Dad, it's in my own best interests to continue to have no contact with you. Please respect that. Have a nice life." Any kind of explaining or justifying will likely just lead to him arguing with you over your reasoning and him trying to keep his foot wedged in the door. The nicest possible way isn't always using the most florid language. Sometimes, it's better to be clear and direct so the other person can start their healing process.

If it's best for you to cut him off, then that's OK. You don't have to feel that you want to cut him off for it to be justified. You can just internally know that it's what you want to do, and that's all the justification you need. If you do seek therapy, maybe have a poke into the grief process to allow yourself to let go. Seeking therapy does not mean that you will have to reconcile with your father.

What other people feel and think about this situation isn't really relevant. You are the one actually living in it and are the one who has to deal with the repercussions of it. Seek your own highest good, whatever that might turn out to be. I think there's sometimes an attitude that you have to feel something about [a given thing] or it's not valid. Feeling neutral is an OK thing too, though. You don't have to be furious at someone to know that they're bad news for you. Even loving someone can make you think they're good for you, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Everyone commenting here, including me, is looking through the lens of their own experiences. For example, your father being emotional when you met reads to me like a huge guilt trip, in the manner of "I have all of these feelings and they're your fault!". He might not be meaning that at all, of course.

Perhaps spend some time really strongly imagining what your life would be like if your father were back in it. Does it seem good to you? Bad? Indifferent? Even if it's indifferent, you don't owe him genteel politeness. It's OK to only have good, beneficial relationships in your life.
posted by Solomon at 3:14 AM on December 4, 2014

I just had to say that reading your description of the divorce and aftermath, and thinking of how I would feel, I had this overwhelming feeling of betrayal and sadness. It's like your dad cheated on YOU. I'm not saying he did, I have no idea, and I'm sure that's not how he saw it, that's just how it felt to me when I was reading your description*. That would be an awful pain for a kid to deal with, and then being expected to make nice and hang out and assimilate to the perceived "other family"? I mean it sounds like you felt like it was your responsibility to change so this new situation could be okay for your dad. Which, NO. It was your Dad's responsibility to make the situation be okay for you. He was the parent. He made the choice.

So, if that's at all how it felt, then I think you could definitely benefit from therapy. BUT I absolutely-120%-without-a-doubt do not think the 'goal' of therapy should be to have your father back in your life, reconcile, whatever. I think it should be solely for you to process that experience, understand how that felt to you, and question the blame you are putting on yourself (I'm hearing you take, IMO, way too much responsibility for how this all went).

For your father, just tell him you aren't ready. He created the situation that led here, he can deal with the results of his actions. If you ever truly WANT to have contact with him, you can reach out then. And if you don't you don't.

And no, I don't think you're a sociopath. I think you absolutely did this to protect yourself. And good for you for doing so.

Hugs

*I'd just like to say that I don't think it's necessarily the divorce that's the problem so much as how it sounds like it might have gone down. I'm reading a lot in between the lines here, but what it sounds like is: leaving family, remarrying quickly (I wouldn't be terribly surprised if he was already involved with second wife before leaving first), and moving in with new wife and new step kids, so he's full time (or close) dad to them and only part time to the OP, and placing OP in the position to have to question whether s/he is "accepted" by Dad's new family, behave according to new family's norms (as opposed to original family norms), and just generally be made to feel like any negative feelings s/he had about this were wrong and that the reason they weren't all happy happy was OP's fault for not taking it in stride or trying hard enough or whatever bullshit. Of course this is all a story I kind of made up, so if I'm way off base, please just ignore me.

posted by pennypiper at 11:41 AM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

Cutting your father out of your life sounds really harsh in your case. You don't need to be close with him or especially his new family, but he is your father, according to what you wrote here he didn't commit any major wrongs against you, and he sounds like he loves you.

You say your father has changed and that your feelings for him have changed. Well that happens even in perfectly functioning together forever happy families because people grow and change and children go from being totally dependent milk drinkers to adults in their own right who may or may not have similar interests or personalities to their parents, but even if you can only talk about the weather, there can be love under the surface.
posted by WeekendJen at 3:46 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]