I love you all, really, but please leave me alone

December 3, 2014 3:36 PM

I've had quite a career boost this year and at the same time (and for related reasons,) my social circle has tripled (and it was large to begin with.) I'm involved with multiple organizations I care about, but have become utterly overwhelmed. I feel the need to take a 6 week social hiatus for my own mental health, starting Jan 1. How do I respond to social invites, without sounding ungrateful or aloof or snobby, that I just need some time off? (I can't lie and say I'm out of town as we would cross paths professionally. And I work freelance so they know I have "free time" during the day.)

I have about four standing phone dates a week (45 mins or longer,) and I currently juggle between 9 and 12 social engagements a week. This is ON TOP of an extremely time-consuming full time job, and a marriage. I've stopped being able to go to the gym or do the things that make me feel centered. It's a runaway train.

Saying 'no' to people I care about is hard, because it feels like I am basically telling them "my time is more valuable than yours" or "I used to make time for you but now you're no longer a priority" --neither of which is accurate. I don't want to hurt anyone or damage my relationships with anyone. I don't want to be cold or make them think they've done anything wrong, or that they don't matter to me. They do. I WANT to continue to nurture these friendships, it's just that too many people want to see me once or twice a month. Which is not unreasonable on their part. I just have too many friends. (A dozen of whom I really care about. The rest are either work friends, family friends, my spouse's friends who never understand why I don't show up to half their events, or people I generally cannot jettison.)

To be clear, this isn't a case of me just saying "I don't have time right now." Because I tried that, and then they always ask, "well then when WILL you have time?" And then that month/week gets immediately full.

I tried having one huge party 3 times a year where I'd invite ~100 friends. But that doesn't really solve anything because everyone still wants one-on-one time with me. And parties that big are hugely stressful and expensive to boot.

I know this is a problem that sounds snobby: "I have too many people who like me." But it's a real issue and making me resent the people I love. I'd like to stop hanging out socially all together (other than my spouse of course) for six weeks starting January 1. What's the most politic, least hurtful way to respond to (the incessant) requests for coffee, drinks, dinner, brunches, lunches, pep talks, career advice, letters of recommendation, etc in the new year? Is there some easy and obvious answer I'm not seeing?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

It's a New Year's Resolution: You are using it as a retreat period of sorts, as a way to bring balance and prevent burnout.
posted by rtha at 3:45 PM on December 3, 2014 [9 favorites]

"I'd love to, but I'm trying to keep my New Years Resolution to get to the gym / read a book a week / finish the novel I've been secretly writing in my spare time / spend more time with my family / get things done around the house / go to a yoga class / meditate. I should have some time in a few weeks, how about I give you a call soon?"
posted by erst at 3:45 PM on December 3, 2014 [11 favorites]

You have a huuuuuge project and you're going to have to go dark (I hear "go dark" and "go off the grid" in my corner of the tech world, both mean the same thing) for a month or two to complete it.

You don't have to tell them the project is you.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:48 PM on December 3, 2014 [25 favorites]

"I have a new project that's going to take up all my time. Oh, sorry, I can't talk about it really, the client has asked for a lot of confidentiality and it's easier just to say nothing. It's really cool and i'm really excited though."

The client is you. The project is you.
posted by cCranium at 3:48 PM on December 3, 2014 [24 favorites]

I have this problem, and I think I'm making some progress. Here are my disjointed ideas:

-Be more proactive about scheduling "you" time into your life before your calendar gets overly full. I've started actively blocking out times on my calendar so that I explicitly schedule time for "sitting around the house doing nothing." That way, when someone asks for a get together I look at my calendar and I'm already busy. It's much easier to respect that time when I see visually that Fri afternoon is already booked. If I plan to fit in recharge time around ereryone else, then my recharge time never happens.

-It helps a lot to challenge the idea that when you tell someone you're busy that "your time is more important than theirs." A few reasons for this:
a) you have a spouse who is likely not getting the time they deserve from you, and that spouse IS more important than your acquaintance. And even if you feel like your spouse is getting enough of your time, how much of it is quality? You can't give goodness to your spouse if you're already drained.
b) most friends by far will understand I'd you need some time to recharge. They don't want to be a drain on you, and wouldn't be happy if they knew you secretly didn't want to spend that time with them. Trust your friends to not have hurt feelings when it's something you genuinely need.
c) if they DO get huffy about it, then guess what -- they're not friends. They're people looking to get something from you, and that means you don't HAVE to give it to them. Sure, writing a letter of rec for someone is just being a good person, but you have to put your own air mask on first; you can't help them (or anyone else) in the future if you bleed yourself dry now.

-Ultimately, your time IS more important than other people's -- at least, when you're respecting a boundary that you want and need. That doesn't mean walk around thinking you're better than everyone else because you're more important. It means feeling secure in the knowledge that you're the only person who knows what you need, and you're the only person who is able to advocate for yourself. You need to perform that job.

The best way to respond to requests in the future is to be honest with yourself and the person asking. If people want to hang out in the next 6 weeks, tell them you're going into hibernation and can't for right now, but you'll be around in March; want to schedule something then? If it's someone asking for a pep talk, tell them you would really love to talk with them and you're super busy right now... Looks like you can next get together in 3 weeks, will that work? You'd love to write a letter, and honestly right now you're swamped so you probably can't give it to them for a month or so. Is that okay?

If it is, great. If it's not, then it's THEIR choice not to accept what you can offer. It's not your job to rearrange everything to fit them. People likely come to you because you're always available and willing; that doesn't mean you're their ONLY source of help (just the most convenient). They'll get what they need elsewhere, and you get to not go crazy. Wins all around.

Once you start setting boundaries you'll likely start to notice the people who want to meet you because they want something from you, versus the people who want to just be around you and give/take equally. You want the second group in your life; you need to tell the first group you're not open for business anymore.
posted by lilac girl at 4:02 PM on December 3, 2014 [11 favorites]

The best response is no response at all. Someone calling you, emailing you, or inviting you does not form a social contract that obligates you to any action at all.

However, I know that doesn't sit well with many people.

An auto-response on your email and a voicemail greeting that sounds like an "out of office" message can field a few of the requests: "Sorry, I'll be unavailable from X date to Y date. If this is truly urgent, I will get back to you as soon as possible. Otherwise, please reach out to me after Y date." Or even better, "Sorry, I am overbooked and understaffed (it's just me!) and I love you to tears but I simply do not have any bandwidth right now. Try me again next season." A lot of people are offended by auto-responses, though, and you may just be deferring their interest rather than gentling it or removing it.

For face-to-face conversations, it's harder, but it can work: "Sorry, I'm trying to focus on a few crucial things and I have no time!" The "I'm just too busy" sounds like bragging, but if it's true, it's true.

I have heard of other busy folks just plain lying "I'm away at a writers retreat" "I'm working on the next book" "We'll be at the cabin with no phone or Internet" "We'll be moving house" "Having a babymoon/second honeymoon." Not the best choice, really, because when you "get back" you get tons of questions about where you were and what you were doing and how it went.

But really: feel free just to say "Sorry, can't do it." "There's no good time, sorry." "I am not going to be able to help you." "I don't know when I'll be able to." People hate it, but it's honest, and, frankly, you'll often be able to tell by the anger/selfishness/assholery/passive-aggressiveness of their responses that you dodged a bullet and saved yourself from dealing with someone who would have been an ever-increasing sap on your time.

I had one old boss (best-selling author, among other things) who refused almost all invitations and interview requests except in August. The other 11 months of the year, you pretty much needed to be the president of the United States of America to get him to talk to you if you weren't related to him, not working for him, or if he didn't contact you first.

A friend (a cute, funny, creative woman who is just the best) simply throws social gatherings a few times a year at a bar nowhere near her home. She invites everybody, including a few other dynamic people like herself. She and those "star" guests work the room, everybody meets everybody, everybody pays for their own drinks and food, there's a lot of goofing around and gossipping, and then she goes home. It's a good time. Her social obligations are pretty much handled for a while.

Editing to add: I've tried joking, "I don't have any time until June 2017!" And I kid you not, somebody tried to get an appointment for July 2017.
posted by Mo Nickels at 4:04 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

Establish that you have hibernation time. Every year. Jan 1 - Feb 15. This can be the inaugural year. No one who really cares about your wellbeing should flinch about this. You do have to put yourself first and live in a sustainable way. It's something that no one else can do for you. There's nothing at all wrong with that. Just tell everyone who asks that you're not doing anything for the first 6 weeks of the year, it's your new hibernation tradition, and that you've got a lot of stuff to catch up on.

Maybe during this first hibernation, you can start to figure out a schedule. First tier friends should be those who nurture you and leave you feeling rejuvenated rather than drained. They should also be the ones who are compassionate and understanding when you say you need to rest or do some self-care. Those people get the priority for get togethers. Do the same with the rest of your social obligations - rank them and figure out what's rejuvenating and what's draining . It's OK to say no. It's OK to recalibrate the interval that you see people or interact with them. Just having 4 standing 45-minute phone dates a week sounds exhausting to me. And then you add a dozen social engagements? And you're married? And work? It's just too much.

Figure out how many sustainable events/meals/coffees/whatevers you can handle a week. Maybe 5? I know that sounds low compared to what you're doing now, but it's not an unreasonable number. Then, get a calendar and book up your appointments. If you're maxed-out on appointments for the week, book for the next week, and so on. Build-in time for going to the gym, having a lazy morning, doing whatever you find nourishing. Try this for 3 months, post-hibernation. Be strict. Learn to say no. You're going to have to retrain people to understand that you're not endlessly available. It's fine. That's normal.

You sound like you're a lovely friend who is willing to go the extra mile and who puts everyone's needs above your own. It sounds like you make yourself very available to lots and lots of people. People like you are easily taken advantage of by "friends" who do a lot of taking and don't do so well with giving back. People probably learn to feel entitled to your time and attention. Look at those relationships with more scrutiny. I think the reactions of your social group when you say you're hibernating for 6 weeks will tell you a lot. Some people will 100% understand and ask if they can do anything for you while you're hibernating. Others will question you and maybe try to manipulate you into making a special exception for them. You may even get some who are angry that you dare to take some time for yourself. Keep the first group a priority in your life. The second and third group may end up earning a lower-tier position for themselves.
posted by quince at 4:07 PM on December 3, 2014 [10 favorites]

In an objective sense, your time is not more valuable than theirs. But your time should be more valuable to you than theirs.

"I'm experimenting with total social hibernation for a few months. I'll have to get back to you in March." If pressed, "I'm really not even talking about making social plans until March."

("March" gives you your six weeks of hiberation and then a couple weeks to integrate what you've discovered about yourself and about which people and projects are actually important to you, and to apply that new knowledge to creating a schedule that actually works for you.)
posted by jaguar at 4:21 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

"I used to make time for you but now you're no longer a priority"

This is, essentially, true. You might not like to admit that to yourself, and you certainly shouldn't say it, but you are re-prioritizing and you are moving these people down the list. (This is absolutely fine to do and normal and healthy.)

Say you're going into hibernation for 6 weeks -- but bear in mind that a lot of people just won't remember that you're doing this and will contact you a bunch at the beginning (it should be clear when they're being jerks who don't care about your preferences and when they're being honestly forgetful), and that people will then forget when you're stopping and not try to contact you once you're done, so you will probably have to pick up a bit of the slack at the end.

Also consider what you want to say to the dozen or so people you really care about -- do you want them to not even call or email you? What if one of them has something important happen, do you want them to let you know?
posted by jeather at 4:38 PM on December 3, 2014

I coped with a similar situation a few months ago by telling people that I needed to take time apart from the world, that I would see them at a "hey I'm still alive" open house with pizza and beer at my place for my birthday 4months later. People were for the most part really understanding, and telling them a set date for re-interaction made really easy. I also got all of my social obligations over in one very chill night.

A handful of friends ignored this- ie my best friend from childhood, and one or two other close friends, but they also were super careful of my time, and would arrange things weeks in advance for only an hour or so.
posted by larthegreat at 4:38 PM on December 3, 2014

Get a personal assistant and start your own events that funnel people to doing more than seek one-on-one time that others can be trained to lead and you could on your own schedule. It may not be your thing to do events, but there is probably someone you could task this with. I can definitely understand how one can be overwhelmed by the huge amount of change that transforms a person when they are seen as pivotal to X. You have to manage people's expectations extremely closely or play with risk to claw back some personal freedom. Now could be a good time to review your group's business plan, and evaluate how you can take advantage of all these opportunities and how your group could help other organisations that have called upon you to come to their parties but are not suitable to be partners.
posted by parmanparman at 4:40 PM on December 3, 2014

I think you're making this harder than it needs to be. Just tell people you are fully booked until mid-February. Maybe you are fully booked hanging out with your husband or reading a novel: it doesn't matter, and you don't need to justify it to anyone. (If a really close friend asks, just tell them you're swamped and way behind, have bitten off more than you can chew and need to get caught up, etc. No need for specifics.) If people ask to schedule you for mid-Feb., make provisional plans you don't write down, and ask them to reconfirm closer to the date.

If you feel like you're being mean in doing this, just remind yourself that the alternative is to resent everybody, which is much worse. And lighten up on yourself: the parties and brunches and coffees will continue fine without you, and eventually everybody will settle into a workable rhythm.
posted by Susan PG at 4:50 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

I'd totally position this as a New Years Retreat time for contemplation.

Say you're doing a regime with a strict diet, exercise schedule and reading. Say you're limiting your screen time and consequently your phone, emails and texts may go unanswered.

Then do those things.

Sounds good actually.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:50 PM on December 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

(Sorry I just realized I said husband, and you said spouse. Apologies for assumptions :))
posted by Susan PG at 4:51 PM on December 3, 2014

I've decided I need a bit of a break from so many commitments and my New Year's resolution is to learn to be better about saying "No" when I need to. I really care about what you have to offer, but I'm taking a step back to look at everything going on in my life for a month or two, so I need to decline.
posted by meinvt at 6:34 PM on December 3, 2014

I had this issue. Maybe not to the extent that you do, but it's an issue.

I basically had to just learn to say no.

Reading your question....it seems that these people don't take no very well. Which means you might have to put your foot down. Which is really hard at first.

But I learned well from a few friends - they either say they can't tonight for xyz reason, or that they're just not feeling up to it. And that is totally fine and dandy and I'm happy they responded even though they turned me down.

I use this now, and I just have to train myself to not care if they are hurt/rejected/etc. They are grown ups and if they are THAT hurt by my reasonable decline, then I am not sure I want them as a friend. I've decided to cut dramatic, unreasonable people out of my life.

And it's actually worked well for me, but it took me a second to get there.


To be clear, this isn't a case of me just saying "I don't have time right now." Because I tried that, and then they always ask, "well then when WILL you have time?" And then that month/week gets immediately full.

Sounds like you're being too nice ;) If they ask you when, just say you're not sure and will get back to them. I think it boils down to just being a bit more thick skinned and willing to say no to people. It's hard, I know from experience. But once you do it a few times and realize that these people don't suddenly disappear (and the ones that do...well maybe they weren't necessary anyway) it gets easier.
posted by christiehawk at 6:46 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

Two things in tandem:

1. short term: "I've got a project that's going to have me going dark between now and February." What is it? "I can't really talk about it, it's confidential. We'll definitely reconnect in February!"

2. long term (February): prioritize. As someone said above, prioritize the friendships and activities that nurture you. If you're not sure which those are, note the ones you miss during your hibernation. Set a limit - whatever you're comfortable with - on outside activities. Say one weekend night and two weekday nights, or whatever is right for you. If you are asked to go over, consider whether you want to do the new thing enough to cancel the thing that was already calendared. Don't just add the new one in.

Forget the parties. As you saw, they do nothing to provide the facetime that people want from you; if anything, they re-ignite feeble friendships that ought to be let to lapse.

Honestly you sound way more giving of your time than most people I know. As far as I can tell, folks in my circle work so hard that most nights we will find any excuse to stay in. It's not just ok, but entirely normal and typical, to say "I'm sorry, I can't, we've had too much going on this week. I miss you and I hope we can get together soon. Let's leave it open and we'll figure out a better time when we've both got bandwidth." And that's for the people you really do like. The rest get a "wish I could make it - have a great time!" with no explanations or promises.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:59 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

To be clear, this isn't a case of me just saying "I don't have time right now." Because I tried that, and then they always ask, "well then when WILL you have time?" And then that month/week gets immediately full [...] Is there some easy and obvious answer I'm not seeing?

The answer to "When WILL you have time?" is a light tone and "I'm not sure right now, I'll let you know".

You come sound like you really, really want to be well-liked and popular.

You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are busy. You don't need to say "I'm not available because....", you just need to sincerely and honestly say that you're sorry you're not available and (if it's true) you'd like to see them when you have more time and that you'll be in touch when that happens.

Don't lie. Don't make up fake, "politic" excuses. Someone might be disappointed by your unavailability because they like you and want to hang out, but anyone who is hurt by this is needy and drama creating. Life gets complicated and stressful for people sometimes. Any reasonable person should be able to deal with you not being around for coffee on demand for a few weeks without it fracturing the relationship.

I personally wouldn't "announce" a social hiatus.. It sounds (in my opinion) really needlessly melodramatic. I'd just reply to any invitations lightly, neutrally that I'm sorry but I'm unavailable. People take steps back from socialising all the time because life/illness/family/work happens. As Susan PG says, the lunches and drinks will happen without you. You can join back in at the rate you want, when you're ready.
posted by bimbam at 3:06 AM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

My landlady goes into "silence" several times a year. This is related to her meditation practice, but basically she will schedule time (a weekend, a week) when she will retreat to her home and spend as much time as she can without outside distractions. She still goes to the grocery store, etc, but it is a deliberate period of very reduced social interaction. She sends out an email to let everyone know that she is in silence and won't be responded to emails or phone calls. People respect this; some might find it odd, but they respect it. So I think an email stating that you are taking a break would be perfectly acceptable. Not everyone is going to like it or understand it, but if they are respectful friends, they will honor it.
posted by megancita at 7:33 AM on December 4, 2014

An additional suggestion for long-term is to host more frequent, smaller gatherings than your three times a year parties. When I couldn’t keep up with my social life, I started hosting a monthly potluck that I invited everyone to; if they wanted to see me, that told them when I was available. (Potlucks don’t cost significant money.) If the number of guests who would show up would be too much for you, reduce your guest list to the number that would not be stressful to you. (I find that up to 30 still allows for real conversations.) You might find this more effective than your bigger, less-frequent bashes. Making them more casual may also naturally keep the number of guests more manageable.

It is unreasonable for people to expect to see/ talk to anyone with a job and spouse one-on-one very frequently. If you have a lot of friends who are that demanding, they could use some pushback.
posted by metasarah at 8:00 AM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

For the close friendships that you want to maintain but need a break from, I would try something like: "You know I love you dearly, but I have been feeling crazy overwhelmed with social stuff lately and I have decided I need to focus on family stuff for a few weeks. Can we catch up in six weeks or so?"

For the "friendships" you don't actually want in your life (i.e. the "people I generally cannot jettison"), it's okay to be more blunt. When they want to see you, simply say something to the effect of "You know, between family and work my life is just a little crazy right now, sorry!" Keep repeating, even if it feels rude. (Note: They're the ones being rude for refusing to leave you alone when you're giving social cues of "Leave me alone!")

I like "life is crazy" rather than "life is busy" because I think it gives more of an air of "out of control! Argh!" rather than snootiness or "you're not important."

Also, I would think about reframing some of these things. People who want to go out to coffee or get lunch because they are your friends and genuinely want to see you is one thing. Those people who really care about you and vice versa will be able to hear "I am a basket case and need a break from my social life" gracefully and will want to support you. People who want career advice, letters of recommendation, talking about a new business idea, etc. might be friendLY but ultimately they are professional contacts. It's fine to say "For the new year, I've made it a resolution to schedule work only during certain hours and to focus on my family at other times. Unfortunately my "work hours" are all booked up for this month, but get back in touch next month and hopfully we can schedule something then. And, go on a case-by-case basis. Maybe you don't have time to write EVERY recommendation letter, but don't refuse to help someone who is genuinely awesome and in need of a recommendation letter just because it doesn't fit with a pre-decided schedule. (I work in academia, so maybe my view on this is different, but in some cases not getting a needed recommendation letter is a HUGE deal for a student while it's a minor annoyance on my part.) In any case, it sounds like you need to think clearly about what your professional boundaries are, and then be more picky about laying down the law with professional contacts.

Good luck!
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:11 PM on December 4, 2014