¿How to repair a friendship?
November 21, 2014 10:15 PM   Subscribe

Almost 6 months ago I screwed up a newish friend by vanishing and leaving them in the lurch with a job for a client (anxiety and depression problems, etc). I know the work relationship is absolutely destroyed but, is there any chance of repairing the friendship? I have no idea how to even try to fix this or if it's possible.

As an extra detail, I haven't contacted them at all as I had been dealing with my own problems other than expressing my sympathy (on instagram) along with a lot of people when their pet died.
posted by Memo to Human Relations (9 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Just contact them, apologize for being flaky, explain that you've been going through a really tough time lately, and ask them if they'd like to hang out sometime.

If they don't, you've got your answer.

If they do, you've got your answer.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:59 PM on November 21, 2014 [12 favorites]


I don't know how bad it was what you did, or whether they're down with repairing your friendship. Frankly I doubt it, since they have not contacted you and you have not contacted them in the interim. But if you want to find out, follow Jacqueline's script above. The worst that happens is you continue to not have a friendship with this person.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:28 AM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


All you can do is try. It sounds like you owe this this person a sincere apology either way.

Keep in mind, you might make the apology, and it might not be well received that day - but over time, it might be the first step in along process of re-building. Do not expect to completely repair the friendship in one phone call.

But either way - you should apologize sincerely and honestly. You should try.
posted by Flood at 5:52 AM on November 22, 2014 [5 favorites]


You could reach out, but in a low key way.

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry about my behavior. I have been dealing with some significant health issues and while that's no excuse for me not reaching out to you, I hope you understand and can forgive me. I have been so filled with regret about how my actions may have affected you and I wanted you to know that I deeply, deeply apologize for them. I think of you often and if you've ever feel like re-connecting I would welcome that.


Even if you don't hear anything back, offering an honest and heart-felt apology is good for the soul.

Good luck!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:56 AM on November 22, 2014 [20 favorites]


Ruthless Bunny's approach is the one I would take. Offer a sincere apology, minimize the excuses, and leave future contact up to the other person.
posted by Dolley at 6:00 AM on November 22, 2014


Ruthless Bunny's note is as always, absolutely perfect. I do hope you reconnect but if it doesn't happen, please go easy on yourself. We've all been on both sides of this.
posted by humph at 6:29 AM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


What Ruthless Bunny said, but with the addition of:

"I will totally understand if you don't want to reconnect with me, but either way I couldn't let my hurtful behaviour go unaddressed and I want you to know that I'm profoundly sorry I treated you the way I did."
posted by tel3path at 7:44 AM on November 22, 2014 [5 favorites]


I might even change the "may" to "must" in that sentence, but otherwise, I like it, too.

...how my actions must have affected you...

Before the politicians weaselly non-apologies got so popular, "may" was a much more useful word.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:23 AM on November 22, 2014


Nthing Ruthless Bunny. I was your friend, only we were close for a couple of years before she disappeared. More than a year went by, she moved out of town, and eventually I got the lamest message on Facebook - not addressing anything, but just saying she'd wondered how I was doing lately. Without actually asking how I was doing, mind, but more like musing to herself in a textual form that was eventually sent to me over the internet as an afterthought. It was weird, but more than that it was disrespectful of the hurt she'd caused me. I sent her a short, curt response and we've never spoken since. My point in providing this anecdote is to ask that you please do say - even if only briefly - that you get you did something that hurt her professionally and personally, and you are sorry. Then, and only then, do you say you'd like to be friends again if she allows it. But you cannot expect your friend to want to have anything to do with you at all if you don't cop to the fact that you acted badly and you get that.
posted by AthenaPolias at 7:01 PM on November 22, 2014


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