a gift for my depressed mother

November 13, 2005 10:21 PM

my mother is depressed and i would like to give her something memorable when i make a visit during christmas.

my mom is going through a treatment to hopefully cure a disease she has. one of the side effects of this treatment is depression.

when she first started to feel depressed, she seeked comfort in sharing her pain with me since i have been diagnosed as clinically depressed in the past and i can relate to experiences she is going through.
however, she recently started to shut down frequently in which she is unable to open up, even to me. she has to go through this treatment for another year and half if she hopes to kill all the virus that infests in her system.

i do think about moving back to be close to her but i have not made a final decision about it yet as there are certain issues that need to be resolved/addressed first.

in the mean time, i'm going to make a short visit during christmas, and i would like to do or give her something special that is memorable, something that'll cheer her up and give her a reason to continue the treatment and to live.

unfortunately, i am starting to shut down - it's rather painful for me to think about this, which makes it difficult for me to focus on brainstorming on ideas as to what to get for her or do for her.

so i am here, wondering, if you could shine a light on some ideas which might help me come up with something original for us to share. i understand you don't know me or my mom, but i'm wondering what you would do if you were in my situation.

posted by grafholic to human relations (18 answers total)

Do you have a sentimental thing you could give to her, such as a trinket or stuffed animal or something she gave you when you were a child? Something you looked at as a reminder of comfort/safety/home when you were having a rough time, that you would be willing to give up to her now?

Just a thought...
posted by twiggy at 10:29 PM on November 13, 2005

If you have access to a mac I think that the iPhoto books are incredible keepsakes and they always amaze and surprise people.

Put a number of meaningful, beautiful photos in there and you'll give her something she can continue to look at and enjoy.
posted by jasonlatshaw at 10:49 PM on November 13, 2005

When my mom was going through chemo, I tried to do similar brainstorming because she was obviously unhappy and not really talking about it. The one thing I'm so glad I was able to do for her was listen, without judging or trying to make things better, for a few conversations.

It's not really a presentable gift, I guess, but being open to letting her talk without trying to fix things -- my mother actually admitted to having been suicidal, and it was so hard to treat that as normal and not jump into a fix-it mode -- gave me a connection to her that no spa weekend had. In fact, I think a lot of the "cheer up!" gifts I gave her made her more depressed, because she couldn't really participate in the same way she had in the past.

You may have already done this, of course; it sounds like you've been talking to your mother more openly than my mom and I had been. But you may want to look into active listening, which is different than just having conversations. (The most important difference being that you take whatever the person says as true, and try not to contradict them, even with seemingly encouraging statements.)
posted by occhiblu at 10:53 PM on November 13, 2005

It's true that a spa weekend is probably not exactly the right answer, but massage can be a really valuable treatment for depression, especially if your mom isn't getting much touch and contact other than medical treatments.
posted by judith at 11:17 PM on November 13, 2005

This may seem weird but please try it: look your mom in the eye, actually make real eye contact, and say: 'Mom, I love you'. Maintain eye contact the whole time. You probably think she just 'knows it' but chances are she doesn't think so. Have hugs handy.
posted by Mr T at 11:43 PM on November 13, 2005

I know there are places online in which you can send photos and then they will make a quilt out of them. I've done these myself before and people seem to really love them, especially when they're sick because they spend a lot of time in bed and can use the quilt and still be surrounded by pictures of loved ones. Baby photos, family events, all those kind of pictures. If you've ever seen the movie Stepmom with Susan Surandon she does one for her daughter.
posted by Ugh at 11:47 PM on November 13, 2005

Oh, I forgot to mention, you could also send in letters, old art projects, just about anything that would be special between the two of you and they can transfer it to cloth. You can send in old baby clothes and they'll incorporate them into the pattern as well.
posted by Ugh at 11:49 PM on November 13, 2005

Is there anything you can make with your own heart and hands? A painting (doesn't have to be high art, just fill the canvas with color), a poem, a song, a Fimo clay sculpture, a scrapbook, something sewn or knitted. Sometimes, a reminder that someone cared enough to take hours or days to craft something, thinking of you the entire time, is a warm reminder that you are loved. And 'making stuff for mom' is something you probably haven't done since grade school.
posted by Rubber Soul at 12:44 AM on November 14, 2005

Buy a journal now, make the first several entries about how you're feeling about her situation and want to help her and be there for her, etc., then give it to her so she can use the rest to write down her thoughts?
posted by leapingsheep at 1:45 AM on November 14, 2005

I second the iPhoto books, though you can probably make something similar on your own.
posted by BigBrownBear at 4:22 AM on November 14, 2005

if this is a new thing for her, she may feel pretty stupid/ embarassed. it's not much fun breaking down in public, crying, etc. if that's the case, and if you know it would go down the right way, you could bring in a big pile of boxes of tissues or something similar - some kind of joke that shows that you accept these things, and that can help make things less uncomfortable if she's upset ("oh no, here we go again, where are those tissues?").

reading that i realise it could come off as terribly condescending/clumsy/offensive, so obviously it depends very much on the context/relationship.
posted by andrew cooke at 5:19 AM on November 14, 2005

thanks everyone.
to give more info, this is her 3rd time going through this therapy and this is her 2nd time being depressed. she knows pretty well about depression as she took several counseling certification program courses after finding out my depression - but then again, it's kind of weird for her to be on "the other side".

i really liked all your ideas and i think i'm gonna start making a few things (i also liked the idea of the journal) tonight. unfortunately my mom doesn't have a mac (should i get one for her??) and if there are anything like iPhotos for PC, that'd be awesome.
posted by grafholic at 7:09 AM on November 14, 2005

oh i should also add - i live in the US and she lives in Japan. so my attempt to cheer her up is not necessarily to cure her depression but to give her some sort of a reminder that i love her, i think of her, and i am here for her whenever she needs it.
posted by grafholic at 7:20 AM on November 14, 2005

Do you have any friends with a Mac? Perhaps you could arrange a time to get together with them and ask if it would be ok to show up with a CD of your best photos? All Macs have the software needed to put it together. And in less than an hour you could create and order that iPhoto book. Unfortunately, I haven't found anything quite as nice and affordable for a PC.

Also, you didn't mention a price limit. I've found that locating a local talented art student to create a portrait is particularly touching and unique too.
posted by jasonlatshaw at 8:42 AM on November 14, 2005

Write her a letter about all the happy memories you have with her, the things you admire/love in her, the traits you are grateful she has instilled in you.
posted by availablelight at 9:01 AM on November 14, 2005

My daughter made me a cushion with some hand embroidery. It sits on my chair and every time I see it it makes me feel loved.
posted by anadem at 9:35 AM on November 14, 2005

I second availablelight suggestions. Particularly Christmases that she made memorable for you. The year that she got you a favorite toy when there were almost none left in the store or when she knew she couldn't afford it but got it anyway , or things she might have done to get you believing in Santa.

I know one of the things my grandfather most treasured is a letter my mom wrote to him thanking him for everything he had done as a parent. Many of the memories were about Christmas.

How my grandfather snuck up on the roof and stamped around to make the kids think that Santa and the reindeer were up there.

How much they did to make the best Chrismases possible when they were all REALLY poor during the depression.

Acknowledging how difficult and painful the first Christmas was just after losing a child to a sudden illness, and how hard they tried to put aside their unbearable grief to make another Christmas the best they could for the children they still had.
posted by marsha56 at 4:23 PM on November 14, 2005

Music is very powerful; make or buy cds of music she loves. My mom is very cheered by the swing music of her youth. Good, funny, cheery movies, in my Mom's case, the one about Cole Porter (Delovely?) was a hit. Send her a steady stream of email and snail mail. Make a frame with an I Love You message; take a picture of both of you to put in the frame. Every day, try to find a joke, story, picture, to send her. Sometimes with depression, it's the 5 minute respite from sadness that helps you keep breathing.
posted by theora55 at 4:27 PM on November 14, 2005