New step-parent woes!
November 17, 2014 11:55 PM Subscribe
How do I stop/discourage my pre-teen step-daughter from leaving her bedroom light/TV on all night?
We live in a three storey house, so checking when we visit tbe bathroom is a chore. I go to bed way before her because of early leave for work as well.
We live in a three storey house, so checking when we visit tbe bathroom is a chore. I go to bed way before her because of early leave for work as well.
I kinda feel like this is one of those things that someone who isn't the child's step-parent should be dealing with. That you're asking makes me suspect that this is a new situation--have you recently started living together? This might be normal for her, or might be something she's doing to make a new environment less scary, especially if she's sleeping on the third storey, by herself, which can be unsettling for a kid.
If you and her parent are in agreement about this, you could put the light on a timer, or rig some sort of internet-controlled light, I guess. You could try punishing her, or making her pay a portion of the light bill out of her pocket money. It seems seems cruel to me, but I suppose that you could.
My daughter is twelve, and sleeps with her bedstand light on every single night. It makes me a little crazy, because come on, you're not even using it, you're asleep!, but it makes her feel safe. It's a low-wattage bulb, and her nightstand doesn't have anything near it, so there's no fire risk or anything, and her feeling safe and sleeping is worth the buck or two a month that the light probably costs me.
posted by MeghanC at 12:02 AM on November 18, 2014 [23 favorites]
If you and her parent are in agreement about this, you could put the light on a timer, or rig some sort of internet-controlled light, I guess. You could try punishing her, or making her pay a portion of the light bill out of her pocket money. It seems seems cruel to me, but I suppose that you could.
My daughter is twelve, and sleeps with her bedstand light on every single night. It makes me a little crazy, because come on, you're not even using it, you're asleep!, but it makes her feel safe. It's a low-wattage bulb, and her nightstand doesn't have anything near it, so there's no fire risk or anything, and her feeling safe and sleeping is worth the buck or two a month that the light probably costs me.
posted by MeghanC at 12:02 AM on November 18, 2014 [23 favorites]
What the issue is from your side- cost, light, noise, ideological? And from hers?
Timers might work, assuming she is not actually awake watching tv or reading all night?
Does the tv have a sleep timer? I use these when I travel for work and am watching tv in hotels (don't have a tv in the bedroom at home). You would have to encourage her to use it though.
I also have a lamp plugged into a timer that I use as a bit of a reminder for me to go to bed - you could set it to go off fairly late so that it will almost always be once she has fallen asleep, if that is the issue for her.
If it is a safety/comfort thing for her, maybe she would like a nightlight and you could let her pick out one that she liked (there are so many cool ones if you have a look on the net).
posted by AnnaRat at 12:07 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Timers might work, assuming she is not actually awake watching tv or reading all night?
Does the tv have a sleep timer? I use these when I travel for work and am watching tv in hotels (don't have a tv in the bedroom at home). You would have to encourage her to use it though.
I also have a lamp plugged into a timer that I use as a bit of a reminder for me to go to bed - you could set it to go off fairly late so that it will almost always be once she has fallen asleep, if that is the issue for her.
If it is a safety/comfort thing for her, maybe she would like a nightlight and you could let her pick out one that she liked (there are so many cool ones if you have a look on the net).
posted by AnnaRat at 12:07 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
This seems like a non-problem to me. It's just a light and costs a few cents in electricity. Is there any reason why you must have it off? I'm assuming you've already asked her to turn it off and she for whatever reason prefers to keep it on and it seems like a silly thing to start a fued in your new family over.
I'm in my 30's and even I remember a few weeks ago when I had an exceptionally bad dream and I decided to keep a low light on that night. Helped me to relax.
posted by rancher at 12:11 AM on November 18, 2014 [29 favorites]
I'm in my 30's and even I remember a few weeks ago when I had an exceptionally bad dream and I decided to keep a low light on that night. Helped me to relax.
posted by rancher at 12:11 AM on November 18, 2014 [29 favorites]
Also there are likely going to be bigger issues that arise. Pick your battles. I would wait for a battle much much larger and then support Dad in trying for change. If this is your biggest issue, you have an easy stepchild!
posted by Kalmya at 12:26 AM on November 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 12:26 AM on November 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
If you're annoyed about the energy use, get an LED bulb. They cost a bit more but are very low energy (10W LED is about 800 lumens, which is about as bright as an 80W conventional bulb, so for a bedside table you probably only need at most a 5W LED) and will last for years.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:57 AM on November 18, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:57 AM on November 18, 2014 [8 favorites]
I'm eighty years old and I have slept with a night light on either in my bedroom or in an adjacent bathroom for my entire life. Having the light on makes me comfortable and I pay the bill so I don't care who thinks it is peculiar. As a stepmother you will have many challenges developing a relationship with this child and it seems very foolhardy to choose this particular issue as a battleground. Let her be about the light/tv at least until you have become very good friends and she expresses some desire to you for help in breaking this habit. It's really not something you have to fix.
posted by Anitanola at 12:59 AM on November 18, 2014 [64 favorites]
posted by Anitanola at 12:59 AM on November 18, 2014 [64 favorites]
Sleep habits are so personal. I wouldn't interfere with them. (Your step-daugher is a person.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:20 AM on November 18, 2014 [24 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:20 AM on November 18, 2014 [24 favorites]
Sure, the OP's step-daughter is a person. But she is also a child, who needs guidance in setting up good habits for life. Having a tv on all night is not good sleep hygiene, and it's her parents' job to tell her that and talk to her about alternatives.
I agree that it's complicated by you not being her bio parent, OP. For that reason, I think you'd be better off discussing it with partner; ask him if he thinks it's a problem. If he's not on the same page, I'd drop it.
posted by Salamander at 2:29 AM on November 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
I agree that it's complicated by you not being her bio parent, OP. For that reason, I think you'd be better off discussing it with partner; ask him if he thinks it's a problem. If he's not on the same page, I'd drop it.
posted by Salamander at 2:29 AM on November 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
I know tons of adults who sleep with lights and/or the tv on. Echoing the many other responses, why do you think you care enough to even ask about this? I don't think the problem is her.
posted by umberto at 3:16 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by umberto at 3:16 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
As a child my mother and step father simply requested that I turn off these things before I went to sleep and if I failed to do so at least twice in one week, they would remove said lightbulb and TV for a couple weeks. They followed up on their promise and I never did it again.
Worked very well for me, YMMV
posted by fieldcannotbeblank at 3:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Worked very well for me, YMMV
posted by fieldcannotbeblank at 3:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think it's okay to (gently) enforce lights-out time for a preteen. She's still a kid, and sometimes you've just gotta have house rules. But I do agree that you and your partner have to both be in agreement on this.
Can you work out a compromise where the overhead light must be off at a certain time, but give her a bedside lamp that she can leave on all night?
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:40 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Can you work out a compromise where the overhead light must be off at a certain time, but give her a bedside lamp that she can leave on all night?
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:40 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Is she just falling asleep with those things on or leaving the house without turning them off? Get a lamp. Put the tv and the lamp on a timer to turn them off automatically at a certain time. I think with timers these days you can set two different times.
posted by like_neon at 4:09 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by like_neon at 4:09 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Is she afraid of the dark? Please, if this child is afraid, don't traumatise her by taking away her comfort mechanism
posted by zia at 4:27 AM on November 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by zia at 4:27 AM on November 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Here is the instant-gratification technical non-solution to your social problem.
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
I didn't have a TV, but when I was a pre-teen with a stepmother, I'd've gone out of my way to fuck with her had she policed my lighting at night. It's not like there weren't already other issues.
Some people read into the night, and then fall asleep.
Maybe splash out on renewables credits (and I'll second the LED bulb suggestions)?
posted by pompomtom at 4:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Some people read into the night, and then fall asleep.
Maybe splash out on renewables credits (and I'll second the LED bulb suggestions)?
posted by pompomtom at 4:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
You don't. I'm in my 30s and sleep with a light on. If anyone (particularly a step parent) wanted to challenge me on it I would perceive it as a power play. Sleeping is personal, stay out of it.
posted by Toddles at 4:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 4:33 AM on November 18, 2014 [11 favorites]
FWIW, I also sleep with the TV on too when alone - the sound soothes me to sleep. Again, not really worth battle, is it?
posted by Toddles at 4:36 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 4:36 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
As a stepmother you will have many challenges...
Fyi, the OP is a man.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:38 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Fyi, the OP is a man.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:38 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Does she have a lamp she can turn off while already in bed? If I don't have one, I often end up with the light on; I read until I'm tired, and if I get up, then I lose the tired and have to start over.
Rather than just grousing at her, I'd get her involved in solving the problem. As in, ask her "what do you need in order to turn off the light and TV after sleeping?" If she doesn't know, you could make several of the suggestions here and let her think about which ones might help.
I definitely would not run out and purchase your chosen solution without first having her approve it (unless you decide to go the route of buying a better lightbulb and otherwise forgetting about it); she is old enough to have some thoughts about what would work for her, and esp. as a stepparent, random guessing is unlikely to be taken well.
posted by nat at 4:48 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Rather than just grousing at her, I'd get her involved in solving the problem. As in, ask her "what do you need in order to turn off the light and TV after sleeping?" If she doesn't know, you could make several of the suggestions here and let her think about which ones might help.
I definitely would not run out and purchase your chosen solution without first having her approve it (unless you decide to go the route of buying a better lightbulb and otherwise forgetting about it); she is old enough to have some thoughts about what would work for her, and esp. as a stepparent, random guessing is unlikely to be taken well.
posted by nat at 4:48 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
FWIW I used to sleep with my TV on as a kid up until about 6th grade or so because it made me feel more comfortable (the TV made me feel "connected" and not alone in my bedroom), and I stopped on my own eventually.
posted by Gymnopedist at 4:48 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Gymnopedist at 4:48 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted; helpful answers, please. I understand folks may want to advise OP against avoidable drama / bad feelings in the family relationship, but if you are just dropping in to scold or judge, this isn't helpful. If you have ideas about how to approach the situation gently or wisely that's fine, but let's keep it constructive.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:17 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 5:17 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
You might investigate whether her TV has a sleep timer function where she can turn it on for X time and then it'll automatically turn off. The one I had a kid did that and it was a pretty basic TV.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:21 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 5:21 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
These sorts of things are best handled by the biological parent. The teen years are fraught with all sorts of boundary pushing and rebellion. It's best to allow some wins in this area so that it doesn't escalate to more undesirable behavior.
As a new step-parent one thing I suggest is to step back and not worry so much about discipline. It's not really your place. This kid is experienceing significant upheaval in her life, even if she likes you and is happy that you are married to her parent. Now is the time to build bridges, not impose arbitrary rules or changes in her routine.
Let this one go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on November 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
As a new step-parent one thing I suggest is to step back and not worry so much about discipline. It's not really your place. This kid is experienceing significant upheaval in her life, even if she likes you and is happy that you are married to her parent. Now is the time to build bridges, not impose arbitrary rules or changes in her routine.
Let this one go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on November 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
The savings you'll see in your electric bill are probably not worth the cost in domestic tranquility.
Every time you exert control over some small aspect of life like this, and make it into a big deal, you expend emotional capital with her and with your spouse.
posted by tyllwin at 6:06 AM on November 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Every time you exert control over some small aspect of life like this, and make it into a big deal, you expend emotional capital with her and with your spouse.
posted by tyllwin at 6:06 AM on November 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Give her a nightlight that she can use?
She doesn't really need a tv in her bedroom? So, you could just remove it, or you could say that is she sleeps with the TV on twice, you take it out of her room.
But why is she doing this? If the sound helps her fall asleep she needs a TV timer or something.
Btw I'm assuming the real parent and not the new step parent is going to implement this. Otherwise you're just going to get backlash which will not help you accomplish this task.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:11 AM on November 18, 2014
She doesn't really need a tv in her bedroom? So, you could just remove it, or you could say that is she sleeps with the TV on twice, you take it out of her room.
But why is she doing this? If the sound helps her fall asleep she needs a TV timer or something.
Btw I'm assuming the real parent and not the new step parent is going to implement this. Otherwise you're just going to get backlash which will not help you accomplish this task.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:11 AM on November 18, 2014
I slept with the radio and a light on from the about age nine through to age twenty one (which is I started sharing my bed with someone else). It helped significantly with my sleep paralysis and nightmares, and when I was a teen I especially needed the sleep. I could not sleep without those things.
My parents never said a word. Maybe they just didn't think it was worth the hassle, but probably it was because they knew I had sleep issues and if this is what I needed to take care of myself, I could have it.
If my step-parent rolled in to tell me that I was no longer allowed the things that had always worked for me, I would a) hate them for it and b) resent the parent who had allowed it happen.
Ask yourself WHY your stepchild needs to turn off her lights.
posted by AmandaA at 6:41 AM on November 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
My parents never said a word. Maybe they just didn't think it was worth the hassle, but probably it was because they knew I had sleep issues and if this is what I needed to take care of myself, I could have it.
If my step-parent rolled in to tell me that I was no longer allowed the things that had always worked for me, I would a) hate them for it and b) resent the parent who had allowed it happen.
Ask yourself WHY your stepchild needs to turn off her lights.
posted by AmandaA at 6:41 AM on November 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
A person I love falls asleep with the computer on every night (and often the lights too). He is well aware that it is bad sleep hygiene. However, what I understand is that he seems to do this to treat anxiety and stress. I think of him whenever I see a patient coming in with symptoms of a panic attack that began while they were lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. Apparently this is a common time for anxieties to creep in and attack the mind, while you are trying to clear it and quiet it, and some people use television or music or similar to try to keep their mind from wandering to the bad things.
So, that's just to say that before being aware of this issue I would have only seen the waste of electricity and the bad sleep hygiene and agreed that it should just stop - but I have to agree with the other posters here who suggest that there may be a lot more than what meets the eye going on here, and to tread with caution.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:02 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
So, that's just to say that before being aware of this issue I would have only seen the waste of electricity and the bad sleep hygiene and agreed that it should just stop - but I have to agree with the other posters here who suggest that there may be a lot more than what meets the eye going on here, and to tread with caution.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:02 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
If I wanted to discourage this behavior for some reason I would either give her an incentive to not do it or a disincentive to do it. I like incentives rather than disincentives. Maybe if she turns it off three days in a row she gets to choose the next night's dinner?
What I don't understand is if it is such a chore to check on it, how do you know it is happening?
posted by 724A at 7:05 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
What I don't understand is if it is such a chore to check on it, how do you know it is happening?
posted by 724A at 7:05 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
My dad yelled at me every time I forgot to turn off a light. Every goddamn time. It never stuck. I didn't start remembering to turn off the lights when leaving a room until I was a poor grad student and had to pay the electric bill, and then it was more not turning on the lights in the first place rather than remembering to turn them off.
What I'm saying is, to my knowledge, there is no way to make this happen (absent, maybe, a reign of terror). If the issue is cost/environment, then use timers, LED bulbs, and iphone apps. There will be many hills to die on; this is not one of them.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:09 AM on November 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
What I'm saying is, to my knowledge, there is no way to make this happen (absent, maybe, a reign of terror). If the issue is cost/environment, then use timers, LED bulbs, and iphone apps. There will be many hills to die on; this is not one of them.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:09 AM on November 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
See if she'd agree to use one of these. You can set them up to automatically switch off whatever's plugged in at, say, 3 am or whenever she'd be in deep sleep.
posted by Ndwright at 7:29 AM on November 18, 2014
posted by Ndwright at 7:29 AM on November 18, 2014
is there any way you can update the thread on what the problem is - is she forgetful and just falls asleep with it on? does she say it's soothing? is this something she did before you moved in? does her parent think it's an issue?
posted by nadawi at 7:35 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 7:35 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for all the answers and advice. To clarify: I am a 39 yr man, engaged to a 42 yr woman who has a 12 yr daughter. We are British and live in the north of England, where power is expensive (same as everywhere in Britain).
The issue is about wasting money.
A typical day: "x" gets up and puts the bedroom light on. Goes to school, leaving the light on. Comes home, puts the bedroom light on and spends the evening watching TV downstairs. Goes to bed and falls asleep with light and TV on until I get up for work and switch them off.
posted by Gabriel ricci at 8:01 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
The issue is about wasting money.
A typical day: "x" gets up and puts the bedroom light on. Goes to school, leaving the light on. Comes home, puts the bedroom light on and spends the evening watching TV downstairs. Goes to bed and falls asleep with light and TV on until I get up for work and switch them off.
posted by Gabriel ricci at 8:01 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just get motion sensors for the lights and timers for the TV. Teenagers are slobs -- even the ones that are going to turn into fastidious adults. And the last thing you want is to make this into a power struggle.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:05 AM on November 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:05 AM on November 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
Leaving the light on when no one's even in the room is wasteful and pointless. If she really feels more comfortable sleeping with a light, then get nightlight.
When I did dumb stuff like this, my mom nagged me and fined me until I learned to not do that stuff; that may or may not work for her.
posted by rtha at 8:06 AM on November 18, 2014
When I did dumb stuff like this, my mom nagged me and fined me until I learned to not do that stuff; that may or may not work for her.
posted by rtha at 8:06 AM on November 18, 2014
If this is what your future stepdaughter needs to fall asleep, it is not a waste of money. Do not use those words in any conversation you have with her or her mother. It will be retranslated into "my future stepdaughter is a waste of money" and I guarantee that will make you the worst stepdad ever for a long, long time.
(My own biological dad used this a few times on me as a kid. It is upsetting to be denied something you need just because your parent believes it to be foolish and/or a waste. Pick your battles.)
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:07 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
(My own biological dad used this a few times on me as a kid. It is upsetting to be denied something you need just because your parent believes it to be foolish and/or a waste. Pick your battles.)
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:07 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Ah, she leaves the light on all day? I thought it was just at night! What does she say about it when her mom asks her why she does it?
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:20 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:20 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah, there's a world of difference between "always forgetting to turn off lights and TV" versus "needs TV on to sleep." (As a teenager, I only was able to sleep with the TV on all night, although I've since grown out of that habit.)
It might be worth double checking with her to see if the TV at night thing is about wanting light or noise on, because maybe you could come up with some lower energy options (more energy efficient bulb, white noise which is even available on iphone, etc).
Assuming this is about being forgetful/careless, here are a couple ideas:
I'm pretty sure there are timers you can add to lamps and stuff, so maybe get one of those in her room so it goes off at a certain time or after being on for a certain amount of time. In terms of the TV, sleep timer seems like the best option, but if she doesn't do that or is leaving it on all day when she leaves the house, then ultimately you may have to consider not letting her have a TV in the room.
On reading your update, I'm a little unclear on whether the TV is in her bedroom or in the main living area, but if it's downstairs, then you might have to either take away TV privileges after you go to sleep (so you can make sure she turns it off) or turn on the sleep timer yourself before you go to bed.
You might also want to explore more "positive" alternatives, like some sort of minor points/reward system for when she does remember to turn off the lights.
If she is just generally pretty forgetful, maybe you can help her set up some kind of checklist for her to use before bed and before leaving the house, like:
1. Turn off lights.
2. Turn off TV.
3. Make sure homework is complete (if things like this are an issue
4. etc.
Also, although I agree that this may not be the best battle for you to personally spearhead, I don't agree with what some people are saying upthread about letting her "actual" parent deal with this. I feel like if you are going to be serving as a primary parental figure in her life, then you should take part in actively parenting her (in consultation with her mother), while of course being sensitive to some of the particular issues that all of you will have to navigate.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:39 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
It might be worth double checking with her to see if the TV at night thing is about wanting light or noise on, because maybe you could come up with some lower energy options (more energy efficient bulb, white noise which is even available on iphone, etc).
Assuming this is about being forgetful/careless, here are a couple ideas:
I'm pretty sure there are timers you can add to lamps and stuff, so maybe get one of those in her room so it goes off at a certain time or after being on for a certain amount of time. In terms of the TV, sleep timer seems like the best option, but if she doesn't do that or is leaving it on all day when she leaves the house, then ultimately you may have to consider not letting her have a TV in the room.
On reading your update, I'm a little unclear on whether the TV is in her bedroom or in the main living area, but if it's downstairs, then you might have to either take away TV privileges after you go to sleep (so you can make sure she turns it off) or turn on the sleep timer yourself before you go to bed.
You might also want to explore more "positive" alternatives, like some sort of minor points/reward system for when she does remember to turn off the lights.
If she is just generally pretty forgetful, maybe you can help her set up some kind of checklist for her to use before bed and before leaving the house, like:
1. Turn off lights.
2. Turn off TV.
3. Make sure homework is complete (if things like this are an issue
4. etc.
Also, although I agree that this may not be the best battle for you to personally spearhead, I don't agree with what some people are saying upthread about letting her "actual" parent deal with this. I feel like if you are going to be serving as a primary parental figure in her life, then you should take part in actively parenting her (in consultation with her mother), while of course being sensitive to some of the particular issues that all of you will have to navigate.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:39 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
If your stepdaughter has a nervous system and is capable of voluntary motion, which seems likely, her behavior can be modified using operant conditioning. This need not involve any sort of punishment or other negative reinforcement; you can't meaningfully punish an orca, but yet they can be induced to offer complex behavioral sequences. And they don't even speak a human language.
tl;dr: Reward her for turning the lights out. Small reward for turning the lights out consistently for a week, larger for a month, something big for a year. The catch is that only she gets to decide what a worthwhile reward is. If you do this and she doesn't change her behavior or at least clearly attempt to do so, all that means is what you chose as a "reward" was not particularly valuable to her. So choose again. It's easily possible, of course, that c_{reward} will be more than c_{electricity}.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:39 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
tl;dr: Reward her for turning the lights out. Small reward for turning the lights out consistently for a week, larger for a month, something big for a year. The catch is that only she gets to decide what a worthwhile reward is. If you do this and she doesn't change her behavior or at least clearly attempt to do so, all that means is what you chose as a "reward" was not particularly valuable to her. So choose again. It's easily possible, of course, that c_{reward} will be more than c_{electricity}.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:39 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I doubt this small amount of usage really affects your bill. Once you've got energy efficient light bulbs you're talking pennies. TV does suck more energy, but probably not enough to really dig into your pockets.
Get a motion detection/timer thingy for the TV and light. Although for what you pay for that, it would take about 6 years of lights and tv on to pay for.
Call the power company if you don't believe me on this. It'll make you feel better.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:20 AM on November 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Get a motion detection/timer thingy for the TV and light. Although for what you pay for that, it would take about 6 years of lights and tv on to pay for.
Call the power company if you don't believe me on this. It'll make you feel better.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:20 AM on November 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
You might try discussing the 'environmental' angle with her:
"You know, we're killing the planet with greenhouse gases - saving energy is an unalloyed good thing which we can all easily do to reduce our carbon footprint" etc.
(If you want to lay on some extra guilt, you may or may not want to ask her why she likes killing the innocent polar bears.... But that's an different level of parental guilt.)
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 9:46 AM on November 18, 2014
"You know, we're killing the planet with greenhouse gases - saving energy is an unalloyed good thing which we can all easily do to reduce our carbon footprint" etc.
(If you want to lay on some extra guilt, you may or may not want to ask her why she likes killing the innocent polar bears.... But that's an different level of parental guilt.)
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 9:46 AM on November 18, 2014
1) Definitely get a timer for the downstairs TV. They're super easy to install and usually have a little override switch for those times you are watching a late movie or whatever. We use one for the livingroom lamp set for 10:30 and the bonus is that it reminds us to get to bed and not become zombies in front of the tv. You can get a "fancy one" for less than a tenner.
2) Get energy efficient bulbs for the lights in the livingroom and their bedroom.
Those two simple things should probably get you a long way to addressing energy wastage with little friction on family dynamics.
posted by like_neon at 11:10 AM on November 18, 2014
2) Get energy efficient bulbs for the lights in the livingroom and their bedroom.
Those two simple things should probably get you a long way to addressing energy wastage with little friction on family dynamics.
posted by like_neon at 11:10 AM on November 18, 2014
Best answer: I haven't read all of the other responses, but I do have a perspective to offer: I am a stepmother of a 16 year old girl and her father and I have been married for 17 months. I have no biological children, so she's my only child. She lives with us 100% of the time.
Pick your battles. I know it's a pain and it's irresponsible of her to leave stuff on, but if her father doesn't want to deal with it, you have to let it go. There are many, many things that she'll do that will drive you out of your mind insane (or maybe it is just me?), but you have to seriously let the little things go. If this is a little thing in your household, for you, then ignore it. If it drives you batty, then make it A Thing. As I have learned over the last year, not everything can be A Thing, but some things are worth the attitude/rolling eyes/exasperated sighs.
I'm sorry this drives you nuts, I really am. Stepkids are hard. Sometimes it's really good, but sometimes it's really, really hard.
posted by heathergirl at 11:43 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
Pick your battles. I know it's a pain and it's irresponsible of her to leave stuff on, but if her father doesn't want to deal with it, you have to let it go. There are many, many things that she'll do that will drive you out of your mind insane (or maybe it is just me?), but you have to seriously let the little things go. If this is a little thing in your household, for you, then ignore it. If it drives you batty, then make it A Thing. As I have learned over the last year, not everything can be A Thing, but some things are worth the attitude/rolling eyes/exasperated sighs.
I'm sorry this drives you nuts, I really am. Stepkids are hard. Sometimes it's really good, but sometimes it's really, really hard.
posted by heathergirl at 11:43 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
I made some assumptions about genders in my response, and I apologize for that. Everything I said still stands.
Since power is expensive where you are, you might look at it from that perspective, but many teens are obtuse about issues like household bills.
posted by heathergirl at 11:47 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Since power is expensive where you are, you might look at it from that perspective, but many teens are obtuse about issues like household bills.
posted by heathergirl at 11:47 AM on November 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks again for all the advice; especially Ruthless Bunny and Heathergirl.
I am from now on going to take the attitude of "this costs pence". Timers etc are a good idea but cost money, and friction.
We have made such progress in the past year, I don't want to throw it all away.
Besides, the "teens" are soon, I may do well to keep my powder dry....
posted by Gabriel ricci at 1:00 PM on November 18, 2014 [13 favorites]
I am from now on going to take the attitude of "this costs pence". Timers etc are a good idea but cost money, and friction.
We have made such progress in the past year, I don't want to throw it all away.
Besides, the "teens" are soon, I may do well to keep my powder dry....
posted by Gabriel ricci at 1:00 PM on November 18, 2014 [13 favorites]
I also apologize for my assumptions about gender. I also was speaking particularly to the issue of leaving lights on at night. Leaving the lights on when she's out of the room is a different matter but something she might be encouraged take responsibility for and to grow out of. I wish you well in your developing family relationships. I think parenting is a consummately difficult job and can be the most rewarding (and conversely the most heart-breaking) job in the world. I applaud the seriousness with which you are approaching your responsibility.
posted by Anitanola at 3:04 PM on November 18, 2014
posted by Anitanola at 3:04 PM on November 18, 2014
Don't treat this as an, er, power struggle. Instead, think of it as an opportunity for engagement with your pre-teen about household electrical costs. Bring out this chart of household appliance electrical draws and costs and present it as a family goal to find ways to reduce usage.
See if you can get a Kill-a-Watt energy use meter or UK equivalent, and give her the job (encouraging maturity and responsibility!) of going around the house over several weeks finding out what things really cost.
For instance, it's likely that things like your fridge or computer draw a lot of power, too. You might find that electrical devices like a TV are drawing power 24/7 even when you've switched them "off" (this is a canny strategy manufacturers use, a small power source keeps the device ready to turn on right away instead of a long warm-up wait).
You could later extend this to things like searching for drafts and places where weatherstripping, insulation, or window sealing can be improved. It would continue to be a project you work on together.
Really, the dead easiest thing to do would be to switch to CFL/LED purchases for all future light bulb replacement. The ROI period can be a while, but they will end up saving you money to the point that worrying about one bulb being on all the time isn't actually worth your effort. But I suggest the plan above as a means toward the same end that will actually stand a chance of improving your relationship with your step-daughter.
(And I really shouldn't psychologize, but you should consider very seriously whether this relatively minor point being an irritant isn't an expression of a deeper issue, such as unexpressed or even wholly unconscious resentment of the role this stepdaughter plays in complicating your new relationship. You would not be the first to have this particular light bulb turn on, pun intended.)
posted by dhartung at 3:55 PM on November 18, 2014
See if you can get a Kill-a-Watt energy use meter or UK equivalent, and give her the job (encouraging maturity and responsibility!) of going around the house over several weeks finding out what things really cost.
For instance, it's likely that things like your fridge or computer draw a lot of power, too. You might find that electrical devices like a TV are drawing power 24/7 even when you've switched them "off" (this is a canny strategy manufacturers use, a small power source keeps the device ready to turn on right away instead of a long warm-up wait).
You could later extend this to things like searching for drafts and places where weatherstripping, insulation, or window sealing can be improved. It would continue to be a project you work on together.
Really, the dead easiest thing to do would be to switch to CFL/LED purchases for all future light bulb replacement. The ROI period can be a while, but they will end up saving you money to the point that worrying about one bulb being on all the time isn't actually worth your effort. But I suggest the plan above as a means toward the same end that will actually stand a chance of improving your relationship with your step-daughter.
(And I really shouldn't psychologize, but you should consider very seriously whether this relatively minor point being an irritant isn't an expression of a deeper issue, such as unexpressed or even wholly unconscious resentment of the role this stepdaughter plays in complicating your new relationship. You would not be the first to have this particular light bulb turn on, pun intended.)
posted by dhartung at 3:55 PM on November 18, 2014
I'm a little confused because I've read a couple of comments saying that getting a timer will be more expensive than leaving the lights on. Granted- I'm not familiar with how electricity bills work in England, but I know that here in the U.S. I can get a decent on/off light timer for less than 10 bucks.
You can get fancier ones for 15 bucks. I know things are more expensive in the UK, but it should still be pretty cheap to get one and may be worth it if your bills are high. I've had several myself over the years and I used to own this one. I can't remember if I was happy with this particular one, but you can buy them for cheap. Some are manual and some are digital... all do the same thing. They'll cut the power to whatever lamp you plug into it at the same time each night and some will also turn on the light for you at the same time each day.
posted by rancher at 7:26 PM on November 18, 2014
You can get fancier ones for 15 bucks. I know things are more expensive in the UK, but it should still be pretty cheap to get one and may be worth it if your bills are high. I've had several myself over the years and I used to own this one. I can't remember if I was happy with this particular one, but you can buy them for cheap. Some are manual and some are digital... all do the same thing. They'll cut the power to whatever lamp you plug into it at the same time each night and some will also turn on the light for you at the same time each day.
posted by rancher at 7:26 PM on November 18, 2014
I was just reading an article which said that leaving the TV on at night might cost you $6 a month, and the light in addition would be whatever slightly more. So it seems like timers would pay for themselves rather quickly if you want to go that route.
In my mind, I would focus on the health aspects of sleeping in total darkness, as it allows the body to produce more melatonin. http://io9.com/why-we-need-to-sleep-in-total-darkness-1497075228 (obviously, this being an article on the internet, one has to take it with a grain of salt, but I've seen this repeated a bunch of places)
I wouldn't go to war over this, and I think you're right not to want to either, but I would have a talk with her about why she's leaving the lights and TV on. Ask what is does for her, whether she feels she needs them to sleep or if she's just falling asleep watching. Ask her if she feels tired in the morning, and if so maybe emphasize that maybe she could be getting a more restful sleep if she unplugged an hour before bed and tried to read or do something else to relax.
posted by cali59 at 9:06 PM on November 18, 2014
In my mind, I would focus on the health aspects of sleeping in total darkness, as it allows the body to produce more melatonin. http://io9.com/why-we-need-to-sleep-in-total-darkness-1497075228 (obviously, this being an article on the internet, one has to take it with a grain of salt, but I've seen this repeated a bunch of places)
I wouldn't go to war over this, and I think you're right not to want to either, but I would have a talk with her about why she's leaving the lights and TV on. Ask what is does for her, whether she feels she needs them to sleep or if she's just falling asleep watching. Ask her if she feels tired in the morning, and if so maybe emphasize that maybe she could be getting a more restful sleep if she unplugged an hour before bed and tried to read or do something else to relax.
posted by cali59 at 9:06 PM on November 18, 2014
Step-parent here and I have empathy for the kid, she likely feels she needs the light. When my husband's kiddo came to live with us ~4 years ago he wasn't happy with just a nightlight. Great Solution: a Puzzle Lamp, more importantly with a remote controled 16 color LED bulb You can easily hang it over the daughter's bed, she can choose whatever color she feels like and at 3watts (or choose a 10watt bulb for reading) the energy usage's miniscule. The remote control means she doesn't have to get out of bed to turn it off~if she so chooses. Most of the $4 color-changing LEDs we purchased 4 years ago are still in use. Another upside--all your step-daughter's friends will love the light. They make great gifts for kids.
posted by Twist at 6:32 PM on November 19, 2014
posted by Twist at 6:32 PM on November 19, 2014
opps, the color-changing LED I linked to was purchased, via amazon for $4 this fall (shipping was included.) The vendors' prices do change. We ordered 10 from China in 2009 for under $4/a piece, shipping included. The puzzle lamps vary in price, in the last year we've paid between $10 and $17 a piece (due to different vendors on Amazon.) They are available directly, although can take ~6 weeks, from vendors in China for less than $6.
With regard to sleep hygiene the LED on deep red allows our birds to sleep soundly and I can see, if there're any birdroom problems in the night. Also all the LEDs we've ordered, from many vendors, operate on the same remote. I often carry a remote around the house, turning off whatever LEDs are on before bed.
If you want information on the vendor we used this year (from China) me-mail me. We ordered a dozen this year because the Kid's friends always want one.
posted by Twist at 7:06 PM on November 19, 2014
With regard to sleep hygiene the LED on deep red allows our birds to sleep soundly and I can see, if there're any birdroom problems in the night. Also all the LEDs we've ordered, from many vendors, operate on the same remote. I often carry a remote around the house, turning off whatever LEDs are on before bed.
If you want information on the vendor we used this year (from China) me-mail me. We ordered a dozen this year because the Kid's friends always want one.
posted by Twist at 7:06 PM on November 19, 2014
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posted by lollusc at 11:59 PM on November 17, 2014 [24 favorites]