Does "You Must Bring Valentines For The Whole Class" apply at age 30?
November 13, 2014 3:14 PM Subscribe
In the past year I've become very close with two people in my book club, let's call them A and B; the other two, C and D, are great, but have not shown capacity or interest in keeping in touch between monthly meetings. It's nearing Christmastime and I want to make gifts for A and B to express my affection and gratitude for their friendship. BUT I'm worried about it coming up later ("Oh, those ___ are so cute!" "Thanks, anonymous gave them to me!") and it resulting in hurt feelings.
I'm perfectly friendly with C and D, they're just not friends in the same way A and B are. This is not based on some exclusion or hard feelings on my part; C and D are very busy and not interested in interacting outside of book club. I only see them at meetings; I spend time with A and B throughout the month and keep in touch by texts and emails.
Obviously, I'm not planning on loudly presenting A and B gifts while ignoring the other two -- I would just give them a gift privately. But I would be uncomfortable if it ever came up in the group that I gave some people gifts and not others, and because the group's conversations are wide-ranging (we talk about the book 50% of the time) and meet in members' homes, I think this could be a real possibility.
The whole thing is making me so anxious that I'm thinking of scrapping the gift idea altogether and maybe just randomly giving A and B a gift sometime next year. (I am a sewer and crafter so these are not costly gifts, just small, thoughtful gifts that reflect their interests.)
Am I blowing this out of proportion? We are all women in our late 20's/early 30's. It's worth mentioning that we've all known one another for about the same period of time (one year).
I can't get over the fear that giving gifts to some people and not others, when we're all in a small group together, will somehow backfire. What should I do?
I'm perfectly friendly with C and D, they're just not friends in the same way A and B are. This is not based on some exclusion or hard feelings on my part; C and D are very busy and not interested in interacting outside of book club. I only see them at meetings; I spend time with A and B throughout the month and keep in touch by texts and emails.
Obviously, I'm not planning on loudly presenting A and B gifts while ignoring the other two -- I would just give them a gift privately. But I would be uncomfortable if it ever came up in the group that I gave some people gifts and not others, and because the group's conversations are wide-ranging (we talk about the book 50% of the time) and meet in members' homes, I think this could be a real possibility.
The whole thing is making me so anxious that I'm thinking of scrapping the gift idea altogether and maybe just randomly giving A and B a gift sometime next year. (I am a sewer and crafter so these are not costly gifts, just small, thoughtful gifts that reflect their interests.)
Am I blowing this out of proportion? We are all women in our late 20's/early 30's. It's worth mentioning that we've all known one another for about the same period of time (one year).
I can't get over the fear that giving gifts to some people and not others, when we're all in a small group together, will somehow backfire. What should I do?
Having been in a similar situation before, I assumed "We're all adults, this won't be a problem." Well, guess what? It was a problem. In my case, it seemed like if I had spread out the love (i.e. giving presents to the folks I wanted to give presents to at random, separate times, rather than all at once on a holiday) then it would have gone unnoticed and not caused a kerfuffle. But because the gift giving was concentrated, it made it seem like the ungifted were being left out, even though that was not my intention.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:25 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 3:25 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
If getting/making a gift for everyone is at all a possibility, I think that is the kindest option, with no real downside that I can see except that you are spending some time and/or money on someone you're not terribly close to. If you feel like A and B are more deserving because your relationship is much closer, and you want to somehow signal that, then I would channel that thought into an additional random gifting opportunity for them sometime later in the year.
posted by drlith at 3:35 PM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by drlith at 3:35 PM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you feel strongly about only giving gifts to Amber and Bella, then yes, I think another time in the year would be less pointed. If you're just unsure or even want to get closer to Charmonique and Delia, you might instead ask what people want to do, "hey guys, does anyone want to exchange presents at Christmas?" This might also give you indicator on whether Charmonique and Delia want to be closer to you and do something together at holiday time.
Yes, I named them.
posted by Margalo Epps at 4:19 PM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
Yes, I named them.
posted by Margalo Epps at 4:19 PM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
You could also get simpler gifts for Charmonique and Delia. That would be my suggestion. I once gave out presents to co-workers before leaving a job I really loved. I gave a present that was half the value of the others to the guy who was a real jerk to me, but I still gave him a present so it would not be obvious that I had excluded him.
posted by cacao at 4:22 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by cacao at 4:22 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Seems clique-y to give two members of your book club Christmas presents and not the other two, even if done on the sly, it will probably come out at some point.
My suggestion, for Christmas, either no gifts at all, or small gifts for all four. Then give friends A and B nice gifts for their birthdays if you're so inclined.
posted by emd3737 at 4:59 PM on November 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
My suggestion, for Christmas, either no gifts at all, or small gifts for all four. Then give friends A and B nice gifts for their birthdays if you're so inclined.
posted by emd3737 at 4:59 PM on November 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I agree with pretty much everyone here. It's gifts for all or gifts for none. Ask the group if they'd like to exchange gifts. If they say no, honor that. If they say yes, give your special presents to your special friends, and give generic gifts to the others. A nice bottle of wine, say, or some other consumable like cookies.
posted by clone boulevard at 5:13 PM on November 13, 2014
posted by clone boulevard at 5:13 PM on November 13, 2014
You should just get the other two something simple and sweet, like a nice scented candle or a tiny box of fancy truffles. :)
posted by semaphore at 5:16 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by semaphore at 5:16 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I personally think it's fine to just give the people you're friends with gifts. It's a book club, the two people in question haven't attempted to cultivate deeper friendships with you and the other people. If you are really worried do as Smeaphore suggests and just get them a very small token present, then give your friends something better.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 5:18 PM on November 13, 2014
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 5:18 PM on November 13, 2014
This is not a thing. Just don't give them out in front of people who aren't getting a gift. Obviously.
But, yeah, I knitted a tea cozy for a friend last year, she posted to facebook "LOOKIT THE TEA COZY SARA C. MADEIT WOOO" and I don't think it put our social circle in a tizzy or anything. Nobody else asked for tea cozies. I felt no disturbance in the force. Whatever.
posted by Sara C. at 5:22 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
But, yeah, I knitted a tea cozy for a friend last year, she posted to facebook "LOOKIT THE TEA COZY SARA C. MADEIT WOOO" and I don't think it put our social circle in a tizzy or anything. Nobody else asked for tea cozies. I felt no disturbance in the force. Whatever.
posted by Sara C. at 5:22 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I do think you're making an unnecessarily big thing of this. You're fine either way.
But if I were you, I'd think of it as giving gifts to two friends, not two book club members. You just happened to meet them through the club. Give them the gifts on one of those occasions you're hanging out for non-club reasons.
Personally, I find token gifts wasteful and slightly insulting. I really don't like getting a gift given out of obligation. And I don't like giving them as I don't have the money to be buying gifts just for appearances.
If anyone makes a big deal of this, that's kinda tacky on their part, and not your problem.
posted by kapers at 6:36 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
But if I were you, I'd think of it as giving gifts to two friends, not two book club members. You just happened to meet them through the club. Give them the gifts on one of those occasions you're hanging out for non-club reasons.
Personally, I find token gifts wasteful and slightly insulting. I really don't like getting a gift given out of obligation. And I don't like giving them as I don't have the money to be buying gifts just for appearances.
If anyone makes a big deal of this, that's kinda tacky on their part, and not your problem.
posted by kapers at 6:36 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
So my answer is totally colored by my own experience with my book club. In the beginning I only really liked a couple of the women in it, and found the others not so interesting. But as years went on and my pre-kids friendships faded, I found that some months, book club was the only time with girlfriends that I got; and over time all those women, even the ones that I didn't much care for initially, became important figures in my life.
I guess what I'm saying is, err on the side of generosity with your book club friends. It's ok to give surprisingly nice gifts to people that you like, and you may find eventually that you are glad you did.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I guess what I'm saying is, err on the side of generosity with your book club friends. It's ok to give surprisingly nice gifts to people that you like, and you may find eventually that you are glad you did.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think you are fine, as in within the bounds of commonly-accepted social graces, to just give gifts to A and B provided you don't do it during the book club when C and D are around.
Although, provided you are not putting yourself at some sort of financial disadvantage by doing so, generosity never hurts. One of the things I have learned as an adult is that when I'm "on the fence" about giving someone a gift, inviting them to an occasion, sending them a friendly email, whatever... just do it. The worst that can happen is that people think you're a bit odd-but-in-a-nice-way, which is a lot better than having people think you're an asshole.
posted by Kadin2048 at 9:45 PM on November 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Although, provided you are not putting yourself at some sort of financial disadvantage by doing so, generosity never hurts. One of the things I have learned as an adult is that when I'm "on the fence" about giving someone a gift, inviting them to an occasion, sending them a friendly email, whatever... just do it. The worst that can happen is that people think you're a bit odd-but-in-a-nice-way, which is a lot better than having people think you're an asshole.
posted by Kadin2048 at 9:45 PM on November 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I guess it depends somewhat on the culture of your book club. This would NOT be at all weird in my book club, but we all have various levels of friendship-strength and are all okay with that (two members are sisters, so they are obviously closer than anyone else; I hang out with some members one-on-one and not others, and the same is true of other people in the group; one member got married recently and invited a couple of people but not the entire book club...all of this has been totally fine). Obviously it would be super weird if you arrived at a book club meeting with Christmas gifts for only two people and pointedly left everybody else out! But, that's not what you're planning At least to me, my book club is a thing I go to with friends, and for some of those friends it's pretty much all there is to our friendship; for others, we have a friendship outside the club.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:13 AM on November 14, 2014
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:13 AM on November 14, 2014
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If not, and there's some possibility that this might just add to the ways in which C&D feel excluded from fun times with A&B, then you might not want to.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:24 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]