How do I let go?
November 12, 2014 9:44 PM Subscribe
I'm having problems letting go of control and being authentically "me" in my relationship.
I'm a typical Type-A personality with a staggering need to please, which I am working on in therapy. My trouble is, I don't know that therapy is working fast enough.
The basic issue is, I have trouble sharing my authentic feelings and reactions with those I love. I suspect this is because of some serious withholding behavior in my family and in a past relationship. I never felt that I could trust that my parents/previous partner were really "fine" with my emotions or opinions. "Fine" usually meant, "I may in fact be ok now, but this WILL come up in an argument months later" or "There is something wrong and you must figure out how to fix it to soothe my reaction. I won't tell you what though!"
My current partner is nothing like this and deserves none of my wariness. I've already opened up so much in this relationship, but old habits die hard, I guess. The precipitating event for asking this question is finding out that my partner did not believe I would carry out plans I had made months ago, suspecting that my true feelings about the plans were less than enthusiastic, and that the plans would be cancelled. In fact, that is what happened - I freaked out over upsetting family members and cancelled our plans. Partner also mentioned, "I wish you could trust me with how you feel. You never said you didn't want to do X."
Ouch. Why didn't I just tell Partner I didn't want to do the stupid X? I honestly have no idea. I don't even really remember *hiding* my true feelings on the matter . . . I just went ahead planning with what I thought Partner would like, and didn't give a second thought to my own feelings. Now Partner is sad that I didn't just explain what I wanted to do from the get-go, and I feel like an awful person.
How do I stop this crazy cycle?
I'm a typical Type-A personality with a staggering need to please, which I am working on in therapy. My trouble is, I don't know that therapy is working fast enough.
The basic issue is, I have trouble sharing my authentic feelings and reactions with those I love. I suspect this is because of some serious withholding behavior in my family and in a past relationship. I never felt that I could trust that my parents/previous partner were really "fine" with my emotions or opinions. "Fine" usually meant, "I may in fact be ok now, but this WILL come up in an argument months later" or "There is something wrong and you must figure out how to fix it to soothe my reaction. I won't tell you what though!"
My current partner is nothing like this and deserves none of my wariness. I've already opened up so much in this relationship, but old habits die hard, I guess. The precipitating event for asking this question is finding out that my partner did not believe I would carry out plans I had made months ago, suspecting that my true feelings about the plans were less than enthusiastic, and that the plans would be cancelled. In fact, that is what happened - I freaked out over upsetting family members and cancelled our plans. Partner also mentioned, "I wish you could trust me with how you feel. You never said you didn't want to do X."
Ouch. Why didn't I just tell Partner I didn't want to do the stupid X? I honestly have no idea. I don't even really remember *hiding* my true feelings on the matter . . . I just went ahead planning with what I thought Partner would like, and didn't give a second thought to my own feelings. Now Partner is sad that I didn't just explain what I wanted to do from the get-go, and I feel like an awful person.
How do I stop this crazy cycle?
I'm married to a man who struggles with the same thing. I've been patient, and honest, and he's given me permission to call him on it when I sense him doing it. Over time (fourteen years), I've learned when he's not being honest (even to himself). When that happens, I ask questions like: "Mmm, are you sure that's the way you feel?" "Have I ever given you a reason to feel that way, or is this 'old life'?" And both of us have stopped at times and said, "Hey, I think this might be 'old life' for me." Being willing to stop everything and unweave what we're really feeling helps the person affected rethink and resolve it.
As the years have passed, it's gotten much, much better - in fact, it rarely happens to us anymore. It sounds like your partner is being both patient and honest. Over time, and with help from your therapist, this will get better. It sounds a little like you're pressuring yourself to hurry up and 'get it fixed' for fear of losing your partner. That's not likely to happen - they'll either stick with you through it, or they won't. Focus instead on becoming aware of exactly how you feel so you can learn to identify the feeling of fear early - before you say anything out loud, eventually.
posted by summerstorm at 10:11 PM on November 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
As the years have passed, it's gotten much, much better - in fact, it rarely happens to us anymore. It sounds like your partner is being both patient and honest. Over time, and with help from your therapist, this will get better. It sounds a little like you're pressuring yourself to hurry up and 'get it fixed' for fear of losing your partner. That's not likely to happen - they'll either stick with you through it, or they won't. Focus instead on becoming aware of exactly how you feel so you can learn to identify the feeling of fear early - before you say anything out loud, eventually.
posted by summerstorm at 10:11 PM on November 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
I have had similar problems in the past. It's very difficult to be a people pleaser.
One thing I do is I make space and time to be alone and to purposefully think about what I want and what I might prefer. With bigger things like travel plans or making decisions about a relationship I really do consciously take time to think about how I feel, usually by journaling about whatever the choice or decision is. This technique is harder for short, in-the-moment decisions like where my boyfriend and I should eat dinner, but it's been helpful for me for bigger things that require planning.
You also sound like you're beating yourself up for doing this and for having this difficulty. Please try to be kind and understanding with yourself. Change doesn't happen overnight and your previous relationships have set a pattern for you. You are working on change but change takes time and that is ok. Actually changing slowly is a good way to help ensure that the change will stick.
How has your partner reacted? Based on your description I don't think your partner thinks you're a horrible person because of this. So why do you think that? Or at least, why did you say that you feel like a horrible person? A lot of this stuff is coming from inside the house. Forgive yourself the way you'd forgive your partner if the tables were turned. Continue to work on it. Take care.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 10:14 PM on November 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
One thing I do is I make space and time to be alone and to purposefully think about what I want and what I might prefer. With bigger things like travel plans or making decisions about a relationship I really do consciously take time to think about how I feel, usually by journaling about whatever the choice or decision is. This technique is harder for short, in-the-moment decisions like where my boyfriend and I should eat dinner, but it's been helpful for me for bigger things that require planning.
You also sound like you're beating yourself up for doing this and for having this difficulty. Please try to be kind and understanding with yourself. Change doesn't happen overnight and your previous relationships have set a pattern for you. You are working on change but change takes time and that is ok. Actually changing slowly is a good way to help ensure that the change will stick.
How has your partner reacted? Based on your description I don't think your partner thinks you're a horrible person because of this. So why do you think that? Or at least, why did you say that you feel like a horrible person? A lot of this stuff is coming from inside the house. Forgive yourself the way you'd forgive your partner if the tables were turned. Continue to work on it. Take care.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 10:14 PM on November 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
I've developed similar coping methods to those you describe and something that seems really simple, but has helped me pretty tremendously is hearing the instructor for an Unethical Decision Making course talk about fear influencing our decisions and choices. He suggested asking yourself, before you make the decision/choice, what you would do if you had no fear. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of what those fears are already, but if not, perhaps recall situations where you've made decisions that were contrary to what you felt. You may be able to identify something there that's continuing to drive the behavior.
It definitely takes some practice to pause to think, but now when faced with decisions I've found it a bit easier to 'find my voice' by simply asking myself what I would do if I had no fear. Simple, right? But it's been incredibly helpful for me for some reason. Perhaps it would be for you too.
posted by stubbehtail at 11:34 PM on November 12, 2014 [12 favorites]
It definitely takes some practice to pause to think, but now when faced with decisions I've found it a bit easier to 'find my voice' by simply asking myself what I would do if I had no fear. Simple, right? But it's been incredibly helpful for me for some reason. Perhaps it would be for you too.
posted by stubbehtail at 11:34 PM on November 12, 2014 [12 favorites]
I'm a typical Type-A personality with a staggering need to please, which I am working on in therapy. My trouble is, I don't know that therapy is working fast enough.
There is so much irony in this statement I almost spit on the screen when I read it.
Seriously, it sounds like something a great comedian would have said: you're type-a, you've been getting therapy to work on it, but you're mad at the therapy for not working faster. In other words, you're so type-a you think you can discipline your type-a tendencies out of existence. You're so type-a you're meta-type-a, or double-decker-type-a!
I'm not saying any of that to make fun of you or to trivialize the problems you're dealing with, but I do wonder: are you aware of how funny that sounds, and how it makes you seem not totally self-aware, despite how sincere you are in wanting to improve yourself? Because sensing that kind of irony, and knowing how to laugh at yourself when you sense it, is one of the most important skills you develop in therapy.
That may sound inane, and not worth the investment of time and money that therapy involves, but it's really true. Therapy, for the most part, isn't about changing your personality; it's about developing enough self-awareness and emotional distance from your personality that you can learn how to change your behavior. Humor plays an undervalued role in that process (read Christopher Bollas), because it helps you acknowledge and accept that you won't always have total control over yourself--something Type-A's, in particular, have a hard time dealing with.
I think the problem with your partner shows that you're still developing this self-awareness about how deep your habits run, and that's nothing you need to feel bad about. If anything, you should feel good that you've had the courage to address it! But ask yourself: why is your instinct here to beat yourself up for being an "awful person" and call the behavior a "crazy cycle"? Why are you, and you alone, responsible for the fact that your partner is sad? As you progress in therapy, I think you'll find that the solution in these types of situations often involves letting go of control, instead of tightening your grip on it.
So, for your current situation, I think summerstorm has the right idea: would you be comfortable asking your partner to call you on these people-pleasing behaviors when you start to slip into them? It sounds like he/she recognizes the behavior, so maybe it would be more realistic--especially while you're in the early stages of therapy--to ask him/her to alert you to them than to try to take care of it all yourself. Hell, that kind of thing is what relationships are for.
posted by urufu at 11:45 PM on November 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
There is so much irony in this statement I almost spit on the screen when I read it.
Seriously, it sounds like something a great comedian would have said: you're type-a, you've been getting therapy to work on it, but you're mad at the therapy for not working faster. In other words, you're so type-a you think you can discipline your type-a tendencies out of existence. You're so type-a you're meta-type-a, or double-decker-type-a!
I'm not saying any of that to make fun of you or to trivialize the problems you're dealing with, but I do wonder: are you aware of how funny that sounds, and how it makes you seem not totally self-aware, despite how sincere you are in wanting to improve yourself? Because sensing that kind of irony, and knowing how to laugh at yourself when you sense it, is one of the most important skills you develop in therapy.
That may sound inane, and not worth the investment of time and money that therapy involves, but it's really true. Therapy, for the most part, isn't about changing your personality; it's about developing enough self-awareness and emotional distance from your personality that you can learn how to change your behavior. Humor plays an undervalued role in that process (read Christopher Bollas), because it helps you acknowledge and accept that you won't always have total control over yourself--something Type-A's, in particular, have a hard time dealing with.
I think the problem with your partner shows that you're still developing this self-awareness about how deep your habits run, and that's nothing you need to feel bad about. If anything, you should feel good that you've had the courage to address it! But ask yourself: why is your instinct here to beat yourself up for being an "awful person" and call the behavior a "crazy cycle"? Why are you, and you alone, responsible for the fact that your partner is sad? As you progress in therapy, I think you'll find that the solution in these types of situations often involves letting go of control, instead of tightening your grip on it.
So, for your current situation, I think summerstorm has the right idea: would you be comfortable asking your partner to call you on these people-pleasing behaviors when you start to slip into them? It sounds like he/she recognizes the behavior, so maybe it would be more realistic--especially while you're in the early stages of therapy--to ask him/her to alert you to them than to try to take care of it all yourself. Hell, that kind of thing is what relationships are for.
posted by urufu at 11:45 PM on November 12, 2014 [16 favorites]
Why didn't I just tell Partner I didn't want to do the stupid X? I honestly have no idea. I don't even really remember *hiding* my true feelings on the matter . . .Now Partner is sad that I didn't just explain what I wanted to do from the get-go, and I feel like an awful person.
I think it is important to recognize the difference between someone who knows exactly what they feel and chooses not share it and someone like you who is so used to ignoring their own preferences and feelings that they don't even know that they are doing it. Make sure both you and your partner understand that you are not making a conscious choice not to trust him. Rather, old habits kick in so fast, you are not even aware of what you are doing.
That's something you can work on - learning to check in with yourself and try to figure out what you are actually feeling - but it is a skill that takes time. In the meanwhile, be kind to yourself for being a beginner at this.
posted by metahawk at 12:10 AM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think it is important to recognize the difference between someone who knows exactly what they feel and chooses not share it and someone like you who is so used to ignoring their own preferences and feelings that they don't even know that they are doing it. Make sure both you and your partner understand that you are not making a conscious choice not to trust him. Rather, old habits kick in so fast, you are not even aware of what you are doing.
That's something you can work on - learning to check in with yourself and try to figure out what you are actually feeling - but it is a skill that takes time. In the meanwhile, be kind to yourself for being a beginner at this.
posted by metahawk at 12:10 AM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
Let's reframe your "pleaser" side, shall we?
The only person whose opinion matters to you is your own.
Once that is firmly in place...
The only person you have to please is yourself.
---
Sound weird? Lemme break it down for you...
You're writing this question because you wanted to make plans that made your bf happy (pleasing him in the moment.) Except, he knows your "pleaser" patterns, and he knew when the time came you would break the plans to please yet another person, a family member.
Uh, where is your opinion in there? Your bf is dating and making plans with you. You're putting him in the position of having to kow tow (at times, anyway) to the whims of someone outside of your intimate relationship. Being "intimate" kinda demands that you're at least forthright about what's going on, but hopefully, that for the most part you put each other first.
When your bf invites you to plans, if you are only caring about what you want to do, then at least your bf can rely that you are telling him your true opinion. He's only dealing with you. As it should be.
When you tell him "yes" to please him in the moment, only to tell him "no" down the road to make someone else happy.... Well, then you're not in a strong relationship with your boyfriend. You're undermining trust between the two of you, and actively showing your bf that certain outside people's objections, discomfort, or convenience mean more to you than either your own opinion and comfort, or his opinion and comfort.
If you put your own comfort and opinion first, then when dealing with you, your bf could always know where you are coming from - whether you agreed with him or not! That's all he wants! Is to be dealing with you!!
When you're wishy washy like you're being currently, he can't even tell if your commitment to him is your idea, or somebody else's. But if he knows you put your own opinion first, and you are choosing to be with him, then he will never ever doubt that what you do, what you say, and how you feel is authentic and True.
I hope that broke it down. Maybe if you got congruent with the true messages behind what your choices are communicating, you'd see that in being honest with yourself about your opinions and desires is actually really really healthy and honest, and therefore super helpful for anyone around you.
Hope that was clear.
PS - stating your true opinion is a "social muscle" or a skill, and you have to practice to be good at it.
Again, hope that helps. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 2:34 AM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only person whose opinion matters to you is your own.
Once that is firmly in place...
The only person you have to please is yourself.
---
Sound weird? Lemme break it down for you...
You're writing this question because you wanted to make plans that made your bf happy (pleasing him in the moment.) Except, he knows your "pleaser" patterns, and he knew when the time came you would break the plans to please yet another person, a family member.
Uh, where is your opinion in there? Your bf is dating and making plans with you. You're putting him in the position of having to kow tow (at times, anyway) to the whims of someone outside of your intimate relationship. Being "intimate" kinda demands that you're at least forthright about what's going on, but hopefully, that for the most part you put each other first.
When your bf invites you to plans, if you are only caring about what you want to do, then at least your bf can rely that you are telling him your true opinion. He's only dealing with you. As it should be.
When you tell him "yes" to please him in the moment, only to tell him "no" down the road to make someone else happy.... Well, then you're not in a strong relationship with your boyfriend. You're undermining trust between the two of you, and actively showing your bf that certain outside people's objections, discomfort, or convenience mean more to you than either your own opinion and comfort, or his opinion and comfort.
If you put your own comfort and opinion first, then when dealing with you, your bf could always know where you are coming from - whether you agreed with him or not! That's all he wants! Is to be dealing with you!!
When you're wishy washy like you're being currently, he can't even tell if your commitment to him is your idea, or somebody else's. But if he knows you put your own opinion first, and you are choosing to be with him, then he will never ever doubt that what you do, what you say, and how you feel is authentic and True.
I hope that broke it down. Maybe if you got congruent with the true messages behind what your choices are communicating, you'd see that in being honest with yourself about your opinions and desires is actually really really healthy and honest, and therefore super helpful for anyone around you.
Hope that was clear.
PS - stating your true opinion is a "social muscle" or a skill, and you have to practice to be good at it.
Again, hope that helps. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 2:34 AM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think it really helps to not have to give an answer at once. Tell your partner that you have a strategy for the problem: whenever there is a decision to be made, you will both start with a five minute timeout for each of you to assess what you would like as an ideal scenario. The ideal scenario is subject to compromise, of course! But you will feel happier about the compromise if you know what you actually want! Maybe rate your choices for how important they feel to you, as well. Some preferences are just not that important, others significantly impact your feeling comfortable.
Another good agreement would be that if you realise you've overridden your own feelings, you are allowed to change your mind within a reasonable time frame, your partner will accept this without getting annoyed. Because sometimes it is hard to get it right the first time!
Try these things for a few weeks and see how they work out. At the least, you'll get better at recognizing how you really feel about things.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:13 AM on November 13, 2014
Another good agreement would be that if you realise you've overridden your own feelings, you are allowed to change your mind within a reasonable time frame, your partner will accept this without getting annoyed. Because sometimes it is hard to get it right the first time!
Try these things for a few weeks and see how they work out. At the least, you'll get better at recognizing how you really feel about things.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:13 AM on November 13, 2014
It's a process as you practice it, you'll get better at it.
Sometimes these things are a negotiation. If you're asked if you want to spend Thanksgiving in Branson, MO, and you don't really, say this, "Sweetums, I'd rather not, but if you feel convicted about it, I'll go with you, but I'll need to have a day to myself where I don't go to a corny show."
In most cases the other person says, "Oh! I had no idea, no, I don't really want to go, I just thought it would be something you'd like. Never mind."
Or you might get, "Yeah, my family is going to be there and Nana is already in her nineties. Let's go, but we don't have to do everything with everyone."
See how that worked? As a couple you both discussed what you needed from the plan, what you were willing to do and you negotiated something that worked for both of you.
Just remember, cancelling at the last minute isn't pleasing anyone. You fretted over feeling compelled to do something you didn't want to do, your partner got hosed because you cancelled his plans unilaterally and now you're upset and he's upset. Who exactly got pleased in this scenario?
Also, remember, no one decent expects their partner to agree with them all the time. It's perfectly okay to express an opinion. Start small and work up.
"I know we talked about going out to dinner, but I can't do Mexican again, how does Seafood sound?"
"I don't want to watch Gotham. I'm going to read in the bedroom."
"Three parties in December is too many. Can I bail out of your old frat buddy's party? Tell them I have a virus or something. Go bro-out with them on your own."
Good Luck!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:53 AM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Sometimes these things are a negotiation. If you're asked if you want to spend Thanksgiving in Branson, MO, and you don't really, say this, "Sweetums, I'd rather not, but if you feel convicted about it, I'll go with you, but I'll need to have a day to myself where I don't go to a corny show."
In most cases the other person says, "Oh! I had no idea, no, I don't really want to go, I just thought it would be something you'd like. Never mind."
Or you might get, "Yeah, my family is going to be there and Nana is already in her nineties. Let's go, but we don't have to do everything with everyone."
See how that worked? As a couple you both discussed what you needed from the plan, what you were willing to do and you negotiated something that worked for both of you.
Just remember, cancelling at the last minute isn't pleasing anyone. You fretted over feeling compelled to do something you didn't want to do, your partner got hosed because you cancelled his plans unilaterally and now you're upset and he's upset. Who exactly got pleased in this scenario?
Also, remember, no one decent expects their partner to agree with them all the time. It's perfectly okay to express an opinion. Start small and work up.
"I know we talked about going out to dinner, but I can't do Mexican again, how does Seafood sound?"
"I don't want to watch Gotham. I'm going to read in the bedroom."
"Three parties in December is too many. Can I bail out of your old frat buddy's party? Tell them I have a virus or something. Go bro-out with them on your own."
Good Luck!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:53 AM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I just went ahead planning with what I thought Partner would like, and didn't give a second thought to my own feelings. Now Partner is sad that I didn't just explain what I wanted to do from the get-go, and I feel like an awful person.
Awww, it's a lose-lose situation for you. I am like you. I wind up trying to please some abstract not-me person (often just an idea of what I think someone else wants) and then bend over backwards to do it, inwardly grumbling about it all the time, and then either suffer through it and am grumpy or cancel and then let people down.
So this is ultimately you feeling like you fell down on pleasing your partner (stated) but also feeling bad because they didn't trust you in a situation where they may have had more insight into what you were going to do than you could (implied).
What I did to sort of reconceptualize this was tried very strongly to put my partner inside the circle of people I could tell my secret feelings to and put everyone else (except maybe my sister) outside that circle. So if I felt like I had to deal with other people's expectations that were making me feel pressured, I'd try to explain to him "Mom wants to see me but I don't want to see her and I feel bad about that because she's got cancer but also I feel like she's manipulating me with it and I feel bad even thinking that so let's think of a way to work this out together...." and he would both 1. be supportive (what is that weird feeling, I am not used to it...) and also 2. help me with a plan that was more authentically reflecting what I actually wanted, not helping me contort into someone else's version of me.
So it's tricky because I still feel like I am pleasing him sometimes when I make these plans (because I would just bend over backwards and please the other person, my feelings be damned) but he can be trusted with my pleasing-attempts and doesn't use them to manipulate or otherwise jerk me around.
We will talk sometimes "Hey that plan does not sound set up for success" when I'm making some stupid plan to get up early to meet someone for brunch (someone who wouldn't ask if they knew it meant me getting up in what is basically the middle of my night) or when he's making plans to have back-to-back events with no downtime at the end of a busy workweek. This is us checking in with each other in a mannerly way without saying "Why are you making that stupid plan, you hate those people, why are you having dinner with them? That is so stupid." and it's given me enough space to, over time, try to get at what I really want (which is a lot more loafing around not doing things, even at the expense of my social life sometimes).
Part of this involves me accepting some truths about myself that are complex--maybe I don't really like other people, maybe it's okay if some other people don't really like me, maybe keeping up with people who aren't very nice is not something I should expend a lot of effort on--and part of it is trusting in the idea of my partner and I as a team, even if I don't actually feel it because there is something in my brain that is broken, with the feeling things.
I'm type-a enough to believe I can make most things work even if it means stuffing my emotions down into a place I can't reach them and making myself miserable in the process. It turns out skipping that awful part and focusing more on things that work for authentic-me is a better way to go through life. Challenging, but ultimately more rewarding. Trust that your partner is on Team You even if you don't really feel it. You deserve someone in your life who is familiar with your authentic self.
posted by jessamyn at 6:56 AM on November 13, 2014 [15 favorites]
Awww, it's a lose-lose situation for you. I am like you. I wind up trying to please some abstract not-me person (often just an idea of what I think someone else wants) and then bend over backwards to do it, inwardly grumbling about it all the time, and then either suffer through it and am grumpy or cancel and then let people down.
So this is ultimately you feeling like you fell down on pleasing your partner (stated) but also feeling bad because they didn't trust you in a situation where they may have had more insight into what you were going to do than you could (implied).
What I did to sort of reconceptualize this was tried very strongly to put my partner inside the circle of people I could tell my secret feelings to and put everyone else (except maybe my sister) outside that circle. So if I felt like I had to deal with other people's expectations that were making me feel pressured, I'd try to explain to him "Mom wants to see me but I don't want to see her and I feel bad about that because she's got cancer but also I feel like she's manipulating me with it and I feel bad even thinking that so let's think of a way to work this out together...." and he would both 1. be supportive (what is that weird feeling, I am not used to it...) and also 2. help me with a plan that was more authentically reflecting what I actually wanted, not helping me contort into someone else's version of me.
So it's tricky because I still feel like I am pleasing him sometimes when I make these plans (because I would just bend over backwards and please the other person, my feelings be damned) but he can be trusted with my pleasing-attempts and doesn't use them to manipulate or otherwise jerk me around.
We will talk sometimes "Hey that plan does not sound set up for success" when I'm making some stupid plan to get up early to meet someone for brunch (someone who wouldn't ask if they knew it meant me getting up in what is basically the middle of my night) or when he's making plans to have back-to-back events with no downtime at the end of a busy workweek. This is us checking in with each other in a mannerly way without saying "Why are you making that stupid plan, you hate those people, why are you having dinner with them? That is so stupid." and it's given me enough space to, over time, try to get at what I really want (which is a lot more loafing around not doing things, even at the expense of my social life sometimes).
Part of this involves me accepting some truths about myself that are complex--maybe I don't really like other people, maybe it's okay if some other people don't really like me, maybe keeping up with people who aren't very nice is not something I should expend a lot of effort on--and part of it is trusting in the idea of my partner and I as a team, even if I don't actually feel it because there is something in my brain that is broken, with the feeling things.
I'm type-a enough to believe I can make most things work even if it means stuffing my emotions down into a place I can't reach them and making myself miserable in the process. It turns out skipping that awful part and focusing more on things that work for authentic-me is a better way to go through life. Challenging, but ultimately more rewarding. Trust that your partner is on Team You even if you don't really feel it. You deserve someone in your life who is familiar with your authentic self.
posted by jessamyn at 6:56 AM on November 13, 2014 [15 favorites]
Some questions that help me are "What would I want in an ideal world?" and "What's my 100%?"
As a recovering people-pleaser myself, it helps for me to frame things as what I would want if I didn't have to consider anyone else's feelings or any other constraints. That's my "ideal world" scenario, and I tend to only get there if I mentally ignore everyone else.
When talking plans out with a partner (or anyone else), I try to start with my "100%" -- presenting my ideal plans and not (yet) adjusting for what they might want -- and then negotiating from there. I think a lot of people pleasers start the negotiation from their 50%, and then get negotiated down to their 10-20%, not out of a partner's malice but just because they had absolutely no idea what the people-pleaser actually wanted, because the people-pleaser didn't tell them.
I also found the book When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways to be wonderful at teaching me how to stay calm when I was experiencing conflict with a partner, which helped me stop fearing disagreeing quite so much.
(And I share urufu's observation that trying to rush yourself into changing to please your partner is simply a way of reinforcing your anxious and people-pleasing tendencies. How can you be gentle and authentic with yourself while in the midst of this frustrating growth? How can you dig in and find the reasons you'd like to make this change for you?)
posted by jaguar at 7:02 AM on November 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
As a recovering people-pleaser myself, it helps for me to frame things as what I would want if I didn't have to consider anyone else's feelings or any other constraints. That's my "ideal world" scenario, and I tend to only get there if I mentally ignore everyone else.
When talking plans out with a partner (or anyone else), I try to start with my "100%" -- presenting my ideal plans and not (yet) adjusting for what they might want -- and then negotiating from there. I think a lot of people pleasers start the negotiation from their 50%, and then get negotiated down to their 10-20%, not out of a partner's malice but just because they had absolutely no idea what the people-pleaser actually wanted, because the people-pleaser didn't tell them.
I also found the book When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways to be wonderful at teaching me how to stay calm when I was experiencing conflict with a partner, which helped me stop fearing disagreeing quite so much.
(And I share urufu's observation that trying to rush yourself into changing to please your partner is simply a way of reinforcing your anxious and people-pleasing tendencies. How can you be gentle and authentic with yourself while in the midst of this frustrating growth? How can you dig in and find the reasons you'd like to make this change for you?)
posted by jaguar at 7:02 AM on November 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
Get in touch with that physical feeling inside that says "nuh-huh... just.... no" It's a feeling of resistance to movement, resistance to agreeing, resistance to flow.
Then all you have to say is: "I'm feeling resistance to that idea."
You don't need to know everything, you don't need to know what you want, or what exactly you feel or why. You just need to catch that first signal of resistance and give it words.
Get a few stalling catch phrases under your belt to give you time to check inside.
"I'm not sure how I feel about that..."
"That's a new idea..."
"I'm surprised by that one, how about I sleep on it...."
Now Partner is sad that I didn't just explain what I wanted to do from the get-go, and I feel like an awful person.
I like what metahawk wrote. You're not doing this "on purpose." Don't let partner's sadness make you feel guilty or make you think you have to change for him. This is your personal quirk and like summerstorm said there are ways for the partner to be sensitive to it. Don't feel like you have to change this now, because changing this now is no different than overriding how you feel. Just slow things down, make peace with anxiety, and let things happen in their own time.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:11 AM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Then all you have to say is: "I'm feeling resistance to that idea."
You don't need to know everything, you don't need to know what you want, or what exactly you feel or why. You just need to catch that first signal of resistance and give it words.
Get a few stalling catch phrases under your belt to give you time to check inside.
"I'm not sure how I feel about that..."
"That's a new idea..."
"I'm surprised by that one, how about I sleep on it...."
Now Partner is sad that I didn't just explain what I wanted to do from the get-go, and I feel like an awful person.
I like what metahawk wrote. You're not doing this "on purpose." Don't let partner's sadness make you feel guilty or make you think you have to change for him. This is your personal quirk and like summerstorm said there are ways for the partner to be sensitive to it. Don't feel like you have to change this now, because changing this now is no different than overriding how you feel. Just slow things down, make peace with anxiety, and let things happen in their own time.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:11 AM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I can totally relate. I also have this problem, and have been dealing with it for several years.
I like a lot of the advice in this thread. Be easier on yourself, for one. I like to remind myself that ultimately, nobody wants me to join in for activities that make me uneasy: friends take me at my word when I say I'd like to do something, and I'm not earning any bonus points by stressing myself out over what is supposed to be a leisure event.
Sometimes, when I'm afraid to give full credence to what I'm feeling, the exercise of catastrophizing helps me see how simple it actually would be to express my preferences. My reasoning tends along these lines:
"I don't want to tell Alice that I can't come to her party...because she's counting on me enthusiastically showing up...and if I don't she'll be sad...and then she won't like me as much...and she won't invite me next time she has a party...and I won't have any friends"
But, there are lots of people who won't make the party. And they'll still be friends. Once I put it like that, I can see that my anxiety about being forthright with my preferences is a little ridiculous, causes more damage in the long run, and I should just be honest about what I'm feeling and decline, as much as I'd like to give Alice a "yes".
posted by So You're Saying These Are Pants? at 8:58 AM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I like a lot of the advice in this thread. Be easier on yourself, for one. I like to remind myself that ultimately, nobody wants me to join in for activities that make me uneasy: friends take me at my word when I say I'd like to do something, and I'm not earning any bonus points by stressing myself out over what is supposed to be a leisure event.
Sometimes, when I'm afraid to give full credence to what I'm feeling, the exercise of catastrophizing helps me see how simple it actually would be to express my preferences. My reasoning tends along these lines:
"I don't want to tell Alice that I can't come to her party...because she's counting on me enthusiastically showing up...and if I don't she'll be sad...and then she won't like me as much...and she won't invite me next time she has a party...and I won't have any friends"
But, there are lots of people who won't make the party. And they'll still be friends. Once I put it like that, I can see that my anxiety about being forthright with my preferences is a little ridiculous, causes more damage in the long run, and I should just be honest about what I'm feeling and decline, as much as I'd like to give Alice a "yes".
posted by So You're Saying These Are Pants? at 8:58 AM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you everyone, for your wonderful ideas and even more wonderful understanding. I got a little choked up, reading strangers on the internet being more compassionate to me than I was being to myself. urufu, you did make me chuckle - I am trying to Type-A myself out of being Type-A!posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 11:31 AM on November 13, 2014
I think I will ask my partner to help make me aware of when I am pleasing other people/my conception of other people, instead of myself. In the end, they just want to be in a relationship with the authentic me, which they for some reason think is the bee's knees. *shrugs* No accounting for taste I suppose. :-)
"Hey Partner, I'm sorry I messed up the plans in this way. 6 months ago when we made these plans I was able to treat them as abstract so as not to think about how they worried me, and to convince myself that 6 months was plenty of time for me to sort out those worries.
It seems I was kidding myself even more than I was kidding you. I know that I should have dealt with the worries back then, but it was easier to bury my head in the sand by telling myself that planning what I thought you would like would somehow get rid of those feelings.
I'm sorry I've made you feel like this was due to not trusting you... this was never the case, it happened because I wasn't able to trust myself to face up to things until I was forced to by their proximity.
The fact that you suspected this might happen shows you know me pretty well, and the fact that you chose not to force the issue back then shows that you care for and respect me in a way which I deeply appreciate. It's things like this that do make me trust you, and let me open up and let go of my hang-ups so much more than I ever could in the past.
Perhaps this is a good opportunity for me start demonstrating that trust in you a bit more explicitly, by agreeing now that it's ok for you to point this kind of behaviour out in the future, for you to voice your concerns, because this will gently force me to face up to dealing with this kind of stuff.
Dealing with it in a more open manner, avoiding the stress that builds up from burying it until it has to be dealt with, and acknowledging that your support and understanding of me is a hugely positive thing in my life, these are the things that I would like to try to learn from and build on in the future."
posted by protorp at 11:51 AM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
It seems I was kidding myself even more than I was kidding you. I know that I should have dealt with the worries back then, but it was easier to bury my head in the sand by telling myself that planning what I thought you would like would somehow get rid of those feelings.
I'm sorry I've made you feel like this was due to not trusting you... this was never the case, it happened because I wasn't able to trust myself to face up to things until I was forced to by their proximity.
The fact that you suspected this might happen shows you know me pretty well, and the fact that you chose not to force the issue back then shows that you care for and respect me in a way which I deeply appreciate. It's things like this that do make me trust you, and let me open up and let go of my hang-ups so much more than I ever could in the past.
Perhaps this is a good opportunity for me start demonstrating that trust in you a bit more explicitly, by agreeing now that it's ok for you to point this kind of behaviour out in the future, for you to voice your concerns, because this will gently force me to face up to dealing with this kind of stuff.
Dealing with it in a more open manner, avoiding the stress that builds up from burying it until it has to be dealt with, and acknowledging that your support and understanding of me is a hugely positive thing in my life, these are the things that I would like to try to learn from and build on in the future."
posted by protorp at 11:51 AM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I tend to have this problem, particularly with work related things, and have found that it gets much worse when I feel pressured to make a decision. I feel like I need to respond to this e-mail with my decision *right now*, and then I default to doing what the other person wants me to do, because I never stop to think what I would like. It's helped me a lot to realize that these situations are rarely time sensitive, and I can take the time to figure out what I want. And if it's been awhile and I haven't decided, I can tell the other person that I haven't forgotten their note, and let them know when I predict I'll be able to get back to them.
In personal relationships, I would think the same thing would apply. It's okay to take a break, and it's okay to think for a little bit before deciding what to do.
posted by MrBobinski at 6:34 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
In personal relationships, I would think the same thing would apply. It's okay to take a break, and it's okay to think for a little bit before deciding what to do.
posted by MrBobinski at 6:34 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I can empathize with this to a great degree and it's something I'm currently struggling with this in every kind of relationship I'm in. What I've found to help is asking myself if I'm actually content or if there's any sort of issue. If there is an issue, but I'm not ready to talk about it, I'll ruminate on it for a bit before proactively working against my instincts to think, "Hey, I should speak up here, despite my feeling incredibly discomforted in doing so," and then I'll just take the leap of faith and speak my mind.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's life, unfortunately.
You're not a crazy person. That's what you always need to keep in mind. Everybody on this planet withholds their thoughts and feelings at some point, and in my humble opinion, holding back is a sign of selflessness. It's not always the best, but I personally find it respectable, albeit inhibiting (I might be biased here, but who cares).
It's a "crazy cycle" that requires a lot of work and if you ever need to reach out and talk to somebody, don't hesitate to message me!
posted by ourt at 9:53 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]