How to move past in - laws taking sides?
November 8, 2014 3:00 AM   Subscribe

Husband and I have been married for many years and working through some relationship difficulties. This summer I felt things were not repairable and asked for a separation in prep for a divorce

. It was mostly amicable. In laws have always treated me like a daughter, told me they loved me, etc. When they heard the news of separation amd that I initiated it they became very angry. I was in the room w hubby when he told them so I can confirm this was not due to anything negative he said (he said nothing negative about me nor told them any of the ugly details as to what our issues are that led to separation; he simply explained we were having problems and I had asked for a separation). They immediately went on the offensive, advising him about how to get the best lawyer so I don't screw him over, start protecting his assets, how they love and support him and such. And they haven't spoken to me since. They made it clear to other members of the family that divorce is not done in our family..it's wrong..it's breaking your promises, etc. Unlike other relatives of his they never reached out to me to see if I was ok or to offer me any support. It's like I was demoted to stranger or enemy.
I was very hurt by their sudden withdrawal of love and support (especially bc I basically have no real family of my own so their love meant a lot) and it added more pain to an otherwise already painful situation.

Difficulty now is that hubby and I have reconciled this month. They still have never reached out to me. But hubby now wants me to go to family events (we live across the country so it's only 1x a year or so) and let it go and act like everything is fine. But I feel so hurt and I don't know how to move past their actions.
posted by TestamentToGrace to Human Relations (48 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Honestly, their reaction to the announcement that the two of you were preparing to divorce sounds pretty typical and understandable. HE is their son, that is where their loyalty lies. Had the divorce moved forward all of their advice (lawyer, assets, etc) was logical, they were protecting HIM. The fact that they shared their opinion about divorce with others from their perspective and personal ethical/moral belief ("divorce is wrong") could also have been expected (note that they didn't, unless you left it out, speak poorly of you, they voiced an opinion about divorce in general, they have a right to do that).

They stood by their child, that's what parents do, and they have feelings about what happened.

My advice... go to the events, treat them kindly, and give this some time to heal.. Perhaps, at some point, saying to them, privately, that you're happy that you and your husband are still together and that you're still part of the family might help close the gap a bit.
posted by HuronBob at 3:38 AM on November 8, 2014 [49 favorites]


Even though it seems obvious that they might defend and protect their son, you had no real way of knowing what might happen, and you and your husband thought you were doing the right thing by telling them, so as difficult as it's been, I wouldn't second-guess what you did.

Your husband, their son, is the best person to talk with them and say "I know this news was shocking and it was a very hard time for us; we're committed to staying together and we love each other. Your support is very important to both of us - I hope you can give it." And then you move forward; hopefully at some point, they'll trust that you mean to stay together and that you love them and your husband. Good luck.
posted by deliriouscool at 3:42 AM on November 8, 2014 [10 favorites]


Forgive them. Don't do it ostentatiously, or even audibly. Just go to the event and give them a big hug (or however you would have greeted them before this unpleasantness) and act like it never happened. It'll be difficult, and you will find yourself examining their reactions to you for tiny clues about how they really feel, but don't let yourself do that. Just... forgive them. They will follow your lead, and everything will work out.
posted by Etrigan at 4:21 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is one of the reasons why breakups hurt so much, because there's so much baggage attached.

In-laws always take sides. It's their kid, see? And it just isn't at all hot to hear that your kid is going through a rough patch, no matter why.

Try not to take it too personal, it's not so much "their actions" than the (rather standard) mechanics of a mutually difficult situation. Give it time to heal.
posted by Namlit at 4:52 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: Not to threadsit but the main issue I have is that I thought of these two as my parents as well (they have helped raise me in some ways since I've been with their son for 22 years ..since I was 16. They said I was a daughter to them. I thought I could lean on them in hard times and that they viewed me as equal to their son in their eyes. The rest of husbands family reached out to BOTH of us..they said they loved us both and talked to both of us and prayed for us both and extended all kinds of kindnesses. But my in-laws went totally cold on me and it was so painful. How can I play nice nice when I now know the truth. .that they don't really see me as a daughter and don't love me deeply in the way they characterized for all these years? I mean these people were more angry about the split than hubby was! Any animosity we had during the split was mostly after they would talk to him..for example he agreed to move out bc I can carry the mortgage and he can't and they told him he should refuse to move out and fight for the house and so that led to new fighting that wouldn't have happened without their meddling. I just devastated that they never reached out in this hard time to me to ask how I was or to reassure me they love me too or give me advice. I became an enemy.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:54 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


Your clarification does not change the advice already posted here.

You can let this go, or you can hang on to it...the choice is yours...

“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.”
― Confucius

posted by HuronBob at 5:02 AM on November 8, 2014 [22 favorites]


Your clarification does not change the advice already posted here.

Seconding that.

What you describe is exactly what happens. And it is a rather typical pattern, that the respective partner (who knows all about the partnership) takes a breakup cooler than parents do.

Believe me, Iv'e more or less been there, and my ex has definitely been there (regarding my parents) and there's nothing you can do but try to get back on the tracks with as little additional damage as possible.
posted by Namlit at 5:05 AM on November 8, 2014 [8 favorites]


Note also that it may be precisely because they love you so much that they reacted the way they did. They may have seen your actions as a betrayal and been unable to reconcile that with their love for you. I'm not saying that's the right way to react, but it's completely understandable. And the only way past it is through it, as others have said.
posted by devinemissk at 6:18 AM on November 8, 2014 [14 favorites]


Your update frames things as now you "know the truth. .that they don't really see me as a daughter and don't love me deeply in the way they characterized for all these years..." But part of why they behaved that way is because they were in pain--from their POV you rejected their son and their values and shattered their view of the world--because they loved you like a daughter. You need to give them a chance to adjust to the new, new reality and to forgive you and, maybe, to apologize or at least to express happiness that your marriage is back on track. The only way to do that is to spend time with them so they can see that their son is happy to be back together with you and that your coupledom is strong.
posted by carmicha at 6:19 AM on November 8, 2014 [7 favorites]


They said I was a daughter to them. I thought I could lean on them in hard times and that they viewed me as equal to their son in their eyes.

I don't know, but, maybe it would help you to get past it if you can look at it as them lashing out because they did genuinely think of you as a daughter? That the hurt you feel over them not reaching out to you could be the same as the hurt they felt at you deciding you didn't want them as parental figures anymore? Though I agree with everyone who says it's only to be expected that they'd pick their son's side over yours, I do think it was cruel for them to say those things about lawyers & protecting assets right to your face. But if you can look at their actions as being a reflection of their feelings rather than a reflection of their lack of feeling, would it make it easier for you to move forward?
posted by oh yeah! at 6:19 AM on November 8, 2014 [4 favorites]


I'm sorry you're going through this. Just wanted to chime in to say that while I agree that trying to let go of this is probably going to be the best for you in the long run, if I were you that would be hard advice to hear. You sound hurt and betrayed, and I just want to say that those are totally understandable emotions in this situation - I would feel the same way. There really is no good solution to this, but please don't think you need to deny your own feelings or feel bad for being upset in order to get this resolved (I don't think the advisers before me are suggesting otherwise, but I think it's worth pointing out explicitly). If nothing else, consider talking to your husband about how you feel; perhaps the two of you can work out the best approach together - I don't know if that would entail him talking to your in-laws and asking them to speak to you, or you going to the next family event, or what, but it would be great if the two of you could be a team on this so you know HE supports you, if nothing else.

No matter what, I would say to be gentle with yourself here. This revelation would be pretty shocking and hurtful, and I don't think you should expect to get over it instantly. You probably won't be able to put it behind you overnight, but so long as you ALL make an effort I think it can happen. Good luck to you.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:11 AM on November 8, 2014 [6 favorites]


You've set up two alternatives: They could have been angry at you (like they were), or they could have been supportive and loving (as your husband's other family was). But there's at least one more option; they could have shrugged and said "Oh, well, no big deal, bye!" and made it clear they didn't care at all that you were leaving their lives.

As others have said, anger is often a way of covering up hurt. They likely felt hurt and scared, both for themselves and for their son, and they were angry at the person they saw causing this hurt and turning into a potential threat. That does not in any way mean they don't love or like you; it probably does mean they have screwed-up ideas of what divorce actually is, but that's not anything to do with you.
posted by jaguar at 7:21 AM on November 8, 2014 [7 favorites]


Following-up on jaguar's comment, I'm reminded of the old saying that opposite of love is not hate—it's indifference.
posted by alex1965 at 7:24 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


Just chiming in to agree that this had to be pretty hard for them too. In all likelihood they took that initial meeting as you asking for a separation from them. People take things a lot more personally than you ever expect. I am sure they are delighted to hear you've reconciled, but a little nervous too because divorce was never part of their frame of reference and now it is. Depending on your relationship, perhaps finding a way to express your regret might be a good idea. (But only if you truly fell you can at this point, and I do understand that hearing them give all this divorce advice must have been painful.)
posted by BibiRose at 7:27 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


If it was me, I would not go to these family events until I felt good about being around them. I would do the emotional work around it (forgiveness, therapy, etc), but I wouldn't go until it felt right. They did treat you like an enemy and I wouldn't ignore it until I could feel forgiveness
posted by gt2 at 7:28 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]


If they thought of you as a daughter and no one in their family divorces, then you instigated an insulting break. At least in their eyes.

If some part of you was hoping for their support and sympathy with some of the "ugly details" they don't know of - you need to let that go.

Not providing details was the right thing to do.

You mention everyone in the family praying over this. My family has similar attitudes toward prayer and divorce and also amazingly selective memories. In a year or two, you may be slightly confused and hurt by their complete inability to acknowledge the separation ever happened.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:32 AM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]


I really do get that this is hard and understand why.

But here's the thing: There is a huge gulf between being seen as a daughter and being a daughter. There is absolutely nothing you can ever do about that.

As much as they might genuinely love you--and I have no doubt they do (and did)--their affections for their actual child will always trump what they feel for you. And that's what you're seeing the full expression of here.

I think the best way forward is to just go, participate, and let them make their own peace with this. I also think your husband needs to go to them separately and tell them that since they don't believe in divorce, they need to acknowledge that you two did not split up, which is what they wanted. They need to welcome you back, even if that takes a little time.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:26 AM on November 8, 2014 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: They also had a problem that I posted on Facebook that I was getting separated. they thought it should be a private matter and that we shouldn't tell people especially over social media. But it took a lot of courage for me to ask for the separation and I felt I needed public accountability from my friends to not go back to the situation that wasn't safe for me. I didn't say anything about my husband in my post ...just that we were separating and we appreciated our friends support and prayers.

I have been tempted to let the ugly details slip because I feel it would change their minds about supporting me but I don't want to hurt husbands relationship w his parents either. But I don't feel I was a bad guy here and it sucks they see me this way and that So many of you seem to agree and that I should apologize to them. I feel like I was overly accommodating by letting him back into our home and my life. You've given me a lot to think about.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 8:32 AM on November 8, 2014


I feel like I was overly accommodating by letting him back into our home and my life.

His parents are unlikely to reward you for that, and I wonder if that's what you're expecting? There's a bit of, "Well, I sucked it up and am putting up with your son again, so I should get a gold star from everyone" in the way you've phrased this. Please don't martyr yourself by staying in a bad situation and complaining that no one is giving you props for your suffering. You don't have to live up to anyone's standards and expectations but your own. Trying to do otherwise is misery.

Even if your in-laws are parent figures, you're an adult now, and you don't need their approval or for them to "take your side." Absent abuse or assault, relationships don't really have sides, anyway; everyone's just doing their best to muddle through.
posted by jaguar at 8:42 AM on November 8, 2014 [12 favorites]


The first thing I'd like to do is offer you some validation for how you're feeling. My husband and I have been a couple for 16 years, and I've known my in laws for that long as well. I have family, but I'm really far away from them so my in laws are the only semblance of family I have near me. If we were to tell them we were separating, and their first reaction were to tell my husband to lawyer up so I wouldn't screw him over I would be devastated. Confusion, anger, etc, I could understand, but slamming my character at this point in our relationship would be upsetting.

That being said, you're back together, so now what? I think there are 2 courses of action here.

One is to stay angry, expect an apology, and get even angrier when you don't get one. The other is to understand what other posters have said - that this came out of anger and sadness precisely because they do love you, and sometimes when we're hurt and angry we say things we don't necessarily mean.

At a certain point in my life, I would have chosen the former. Anything else would have seemed like sticking my head in the sand and not making waves. But right now I see a lot more value in the latter. Staying angry is just that - staying angry, staying in a negative space, and over the long term that is exhausting emotionally, mentally, even physically. It will do you zero good, and lots of harm. But trying to understand their reaction for what it was - a poor expression of their pain and disappointment - moves you out of anger and into kindness. It also gets you closer to the actual root of the issue. I think it's possible to see it that way without negating your own feelings. In fact, I think it's more helpful to navigate your hurt when you frame it that way.

What you do next time you see them is going to largely depend on where you are in this process. If you see them soon and you're still processing all of this, I think it's normal to be cordial but not to engage the same way you used to. If you've chosen to forgive them (and I do mean to say "forgive"- just because it's possible to see why they reacted that way, it doesn't mean they were really right to do so), then it'll be easier to approach them with kindness. Will things ever be the same? Maybe, or maybe not. But if not, it doesn't have to be stressful or painful unless you choose to hold on to the pain, or they choose to escalate the situation. And I think that's probably another Ask Me.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 8:46 AM on November 8, 2014 [4 favorites]


I posted before seeing your update. Letting the ugly details out is going to hurt a lot of people, including your husband with whom you claim to have reconciled. Your reasons for reconciling are up to you, but the reconciliation needs to be its own reward, not getting props from others for doing it. If it isn't, then that's something to think about for sure.

It seems to be you are putting a lot of stock in your in-laws' not seeing you as the bad guy. Of course it hurts to be seen that way but it's clouding your judgement. Airing your marriage's dirty laundry is a really bad idea, and if you step back and look at it without the fog of your IL's opinion, you'll understand why. If nothing else, you're going to end up hurting them more, and damaging the relationship more, which seems to be contrary to what you actually want.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 8:55 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]


Great intuition to not publicise "ugly details"!

But I don't feel I was a bad guy here and it sucks they see me this way and that So many of you seem to agree and that I should apologize to them.

I really think that this whole problem has nothing, nothing, to do with who's the "bad guy". Skip that-skip the entire mindset. A partnership is a mutual thing. Parents do take sides, but that's their problem, it's the roll they often play. Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped by what's simply the mechanics of a fairly standard (yet difficult) situation.

And quit looking back. It only hurts.
posted by Namlit at 8:59 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]


If your husband is really the bad guy here -- like, he was abusive and you weren't (aren't) safe in your home -- then you shouldn't be reconciling.

Short of that, well, no matter how much they love you, your in-laws will always side with their child when you tell them you are initiating a separation. You're expecting a lot of them, and it might help you to get over the hurt if you realize that they're human, with human weaknesses, too.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:05 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]


As a longer-term thing, you might find it helpful to examine your relationship with anger -- your own anger, and other people's anger.

Your in-laws were angry with you. That's okay; people get angry with each other. True closeness in relationships comes from working through anger rather than ignoring it or cutting others out completely.

You seem to be interpreting their anger at you as an On/Off switch for the relationship, as if their being angry at you means they don't love you. That's a thought distortion that deserves to be examined, not accepted at face value.

Many people grow up with parents or caregivers whose anger is scary, either because it leads the caregiver to lash out or because it leads the caregiver to withdraw entirely. In such situations, kids learn that anger is a threat to their own survival (because children are dependent on others for survival) and often grow up into adults who are unable to effectively deal with anyone's anger, because even though they are not actually dependent anymore, it triggers that sense of childhood helplessness and fear. That's understandable, but it's certainly something worth working through.

I found the book When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways life-changingly helpful on this issue. Harriet Lerner's Dance of... books have been very helpful as well.
posted by jaguar at 9:07 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]


I agree that your feelings are valid and that you should honour those feelings. Feelings are good guidelines to tell us we are hurt. You could even tell your inlaws how you feel and be open to hearing how they feel. I also agree with others that they likely felt hurt and betrayed. A hard, but honest conversation about the emotional toll of the separation might be helpful.

There is a difference between telling someone "protect your assets" and telling someone: "your wife is the enemy". Your thoughts about their action seem to be in the mode of black and white thinking. "If they didn't support me, it means they hate me". Giving the advice "Protect your assets" is meant to help their son survive what was likely an incredibly stressful time for him too. More than anything, it's likely about showing him support.
posted by Milau at 9:16 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


Why would you post on FB such a private matter. Something is not right here. However they are his parents and may have not seen this coming and overreacted. Also he may have talked to them earlier on about any troubles you had in your marriage so you most likely may not know the whole story. Either way it is water under the bridge, focus on what is most important, your marriage.
posted by jellyjam at 9:58 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]


But I don't feel I was a bad guy here and it sucks they see me this way and that So many of you seem to agree and that I should apologize to them. I feel like I was overly accommodating by letting him back into our home and my life. You've given me a lot to think about.

I don't think you're the bad guy -- what I meant about thinking of their actions as being motivated by hurt feelings rather than malice is that it might help you to feel more charitable, and just having that narrative in your own head could make the inevitable family gatherings & interactions less upsetting. I don't think you need to make an official apology in a 'You were right, I was wrong, I am the bad guy' way. This seems like a situation where a version of the non-apology apology is appropriate, if you thought it would smooth over a difficult situation. But not if it's going to make you feel worse.
posted by oh yeah! at 10:25 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I am sorry. I am sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sorry you are getting these responses.

Your being blindsided by this is absolutely expected and understandable. You had every reason to believe your family's love was unconditional and that they would support you through a difficult time. That's what family is meant to do, even if they have feelings about your difficulties.

This happened to me. Almost all of it. The loss of family (my loss wasn't just his family it was also mine). The confusion and hurt when I realized I was expected to stay in a loveless marriage with an alcoholic in order to take care of my family's complicated feelings about divorce. Even the metafilter pile on - one response to my (anonymous) question about how I could regain my family's love, was that it was directly my fault that my husband drank.

You're back together and time will have them acting polite to you soon again. But now you know that their love for you is conditional, predicated on you taking care of them. It's not real love, it's just illusory. And I'm so sorry because that is a real loss for you to grieve.

Make sure you cultivate friendships with people who really can be a support network to you, and who really will love you through the dark times. You need real friends when you have a fair weather family. Hugs.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:27 AM on November 8, 2014 [15 favorites]


I feel like I was overly accommodating by letting him back into our home and my life.

If this is the case then you probably shouldn't be together.

It sounds like hubby did you wrong, you did the right thing (initiating separation), then you reneged and reconciled.. Except you haven't really reconciled - you still feel like you "overly accommodated" - and you admit that the situation was not safe -- is it safe now?

To your main question: If hubby wants you to attend family events, he has to smooth things over with his family. If you were "overly accommodating" in taking him back, he should make that clear,
without airing details, so that the parents stop blaming you (or at least stop treating you poorly). Honestly, it sounds profoundly stupid of your husband to have screwed up (presuming he was "the bad guy"), then expect you to attend family events without taking action to make you feel comfortable in these settings.

If you were in an abusuve situation, though, then I think your in-laws are the least of your worries.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:41 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]


Response by poster: I'm not sure about the confusion here WRT my facebook post on the separation. FB is the place where I share the generals updates and ins and outs of my life with my closest friends and family. New job- i post about it on FB. Fun trip somewhere I post about it on FB. Death of a relative- I post about it on FB. Got a new dog- pics and post on FB. This is how I use fb- to share my life with my friends and they do the same with me. I think people who only share the brags and hide any sad events from their friends are putting on a sort of false front to the world. It would seem bizarre to me to hide from my friends and family that we were separating. And I expressly would not have wanted to keep it a secret anyway even if I was the more mind of private person (which i am not - i am pretty open book) bc I wanted to make sure it wasn't easy for me to cave in and change my mind under pressure after i told him i wanted to split (i know, i know, i ended up caving in anyway but at least then it was a few months down the line of living apart and after i had the experience of seeing how horrible it is to live alone after never living alone before [he was my first and only boyfriend, and he and his family were/are sort of my anchor as i don't have family of my own]). In the end I decided that living in the marriage I was living in was not as bad as being completely alone. Anyway the issue is not about our separation and whether it was a good idea or if it was smart to reconcile or how i told people in my life about it. It's about my relationship with my in-laws. I think The Noble Goofy Elk's comment "now you know that their love for you is conditional, predicated on you taking care of them. It's not real love, it's just illusory. And I'm so sorry because that is a real loss for you to grieve" gets right to the heart of the matter. Many of my friends who are divorced maintained good relationships with their in-laws post divorce and I had hoped it could be that way for me. this experience taught me that if I try to leave my husband I will be punished by my in-laws and emotionally frozen out and that's terrifying for a girl who doesn't have any other family.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 11:00 AM on November 8, 2014 [6 favorites]


Best answer: Most of the previous answers, especially Noble Goofy Elk, are brilliant and I can't add things to that side of the question.

I don't know if this will help but one thing that I have done if I feel betrayed/burned by one person or people is to invest and expend the energy in another direction.

You mention this OP, ...The rest of husbands family reached out to BOTH of us..they said they loved us both and talked to both of us and prayed for us both and extended all kinds of kindnesses. ... What about reaching out to those people and forming more of a relationship with them, in addition to friends and/or other people in your community. So the response is not to respond with "letting things slip", etc, with the in laws who you feel l did support you, but reaching out and forming friendships/bonds with other people.

Also, if I were in your shoes, I would change your FB settings ..at least with the in laws who behave in that way, put the setting to only share whatever superficial things. You did not know this before, now you do;modify accordingly.

I can't really say anything that would provide comfort, but as one human being to another, I hear you, and I do wish you best of luck in however this is resolved.
posted by Wolfster at 11:19 AM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]


the problem is the husband. not the parents. what did he tell them? it sounds like it wasn't the truth.

so they are thinking some things that aren't true. your husband needs to fix that.

and there has to be a general airing of what is going on. talk. tell them you are hurt.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:38 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]


I was very hurt by their sudden withdrawal of love and support (especially bc I basically have no real family of my own so their love meant a lot) and it added more pain to an otherwise already painful situation.

The advice given above, especially by HuronBob, is right on. But to perhaps add some perspective to this, the perspective of his parents was probably that you were taking actions to leave the family. You saw it as a relationship that perhaps could continue through the breakup, but from the perspective of those who hold marriage to be something that binds families together in very intimate ways, taking the initiative to sever this connection can be akin to saying that you don't love and support their family first. Right or wrong, their reaction was one of reactive hurt to what they thought you were communicating though (what I'm sure was very difficult and well thought out) decisions.

This is going to be hard to hear, but time is what often heals in these cases. Also, there is the potential that the cold shoulder will continue if they perceive you as affirming that this was something that was viable and justified (but fortunately fixed), and not something that was an error in judgment in the first place (even if you had very good reasons for initiating). There may be an ongoing fear that in an environment in which divorce is not an option, you see it as an open option. You will have to decide what that possible sticking point means as you think about reconciliation and a possible future relationship with them, if you actually desire it.

I'm sorry, this is so hard. I do hope that you are able to reconcile, but coming from a similar family environment as your husband's, I want you to be well prepared in understanding the thoughts and emotions regarding particular cultural opinions about divorce, marriage, and what all of those things communicate on deeper levels to all of the parties involved.

Good luck to you.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:50 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]


None of their reaction surprises me. If I separated from my spouse, that sort of reaction is the very least I would expect.

Then again, I wouldn't have made an in-person joint announcement for exactly that reason. There's no telling how family will react, and I wouldn't want to find out about it either way.
posted by jpe at 12:17 PM on November 8, 2014


Best answer: I don't have any family.

I think it's time you let go of this crutch your in-laws have been. They are not your family, either. Yep. Grieve for the loss of this illusion. You didn't need it anyway.

You are strong.

I've been in this position. It's OK to accept the truth. You're still breathing, the sun still rises every day. It's OK. *hugs.*

Your husband needs to intervene on your behalf with his parents! Of course!!

This is the advice you should have gotten in the beginning. Your husband needs to get them to reach out to you. They were pretty vile towards you, IMHO.

I agree they should have been more neutral, especially after 22 years in their family with an amicable separation in play.

I think it is funny how people with strong "values" are often the ones to quickly drop doing the "right thing" when they are angry or take deep offense to something - this is especially true for these types when whatever is at issue is none of their business.

In this case, what goes on in their son's marriage is not really any of their business. They don't live in your house, share your bed, pay your bills, etc.. True "family values" here would be to express prayers for both of you and otherwise stay away from being negative, judgemental, or gossipy. (Unless there is abuse, drugs, or criminality involved. Then they get to meddle. But for regular break-ups? Good people express support and kindness without taking sides.)

Go slowly with the reconciliation if your husband wants to slide all of this under the rug. It may not be worth confronting his parents, but your husband should at the very very least be appalled at their attitude towards you. It's OK not to continue the conflict or rehash things as long as your husband gets how divisive your in laws have been.
posted by jbenben at 12:26 PM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]


But I don't feel I was a bad guy here and it sucks they see me this way and that So many of you seem to agree and that I should apologize to them.

OP, I don't think this is what people are saying at all. People have pointed out that from the inlaws' perspective you're the bad guy. But it doesn't follow that you have to apologize to them and I don't think anyone recommended that. Some people did recommend making affirmative statements about being glad to see them or hoping for their support now that you're reconciled (or having your husband do that), but that's not the same as apologizing. At all.
posted by carmicha at 1:08 PM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]


I just read your last update about how you went back to your husband because you were too sad being alone.

Please, please get some therapy, and also consider that the problem here may not be your in laws at all, but you going back to a situation that you know, on some level, is not what you want from life.

I think you are using the in law situation as a handy excuse to throw another monkey wrench into the gears of a marriage that you want out of.

Please, please talk this over with someone and figure out what you really want. NEVER start, restart, or stay in a relationship because it beats being alone. Never, ever.
posted by shvaughn at 1:25 PM on November 8, 2014 [26 favorites]


You hurt them, though you didn't intend it You rejected their son, and they went into Mama & Papa Bear mode. By extension, you rejected them. I was pissed when my Mom was supersweet to my ex-, because he was a jerk and because she was never very loyal. Understand that they were being loyal to their son.

Did you reach out to them, acknowledge their hurt, ask how they were doing? Reach out now. Email, letter, phone, card, whatever. Having a civil relationship with family is critical, on both sides.

Your husband can ask his parents how they expect to treat you. If they're still upset, I would not visit for the holidays. If they will be very cordial and gracious, then I would consider going.
posted by theora55 at 1:37 PM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


Best answer: It's sad to read how many people think it was OK for these two grown-up adults to go into attack-mode against you after 22 years of marriage to their son, during an amicable separation, and when any separation or divorce is certainly harder for you and your husband. It's not their marriage. People have problems, and relationships are sometimes difficult. Sometimes relationships end. Mature adults who are not cognitively impaired understand these basic facts of life.

Anyway, I hope you are not taking any additional guilt on board.

NTHING the comment above that if you are only reconciling out of loneliness, therapy would be just the ticket!

Find a therapist who is on your side. It sounds like you need that.
posted by jbenben at 2:10 PM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]


In-laws are not "your family." They are family, but you are always going to be a step removed, NOT their biological daughter, etc. even if you have an excellent relationship with them. If you don't have family, you can't really replace that with in-laws even if you've known them since age 16. Which is to say: saying you wanted a divorce booted you out of the family and they took their kid's side, and almost all parents would do the same and you shouldn't really expect them to do otherwise. You can't get that relationship back to where it was.

"Many of my friends who are divorced maintained good relationships with their in-laws post divorce and I had hoped it could be that way for me. "

Were kids involved? Did they HAVE to keep up the relationship because of kids? If "many" of your friends have relationships like this, they're very lucky because most folks don't seem to go that way. That is not typical or likely in most cases.

But here's the thing: you wanted out of the relationship and you said you only went back to him essentially because you couldn't stand being single and family-less. You flat out indicated "situation that wasn't safe for me. " So essentially things were bad and you went back only because you can't stand to be alone. Have you considered that ah.... the same things that made you leave before might cause you to leave again? You want them to embrace you as family like nothing happened, but what are your odds of leaving him when things get bad again? You may be going through this yet again in the future if the only reason you went back is because of fear of being alone, and that'll only make it worse.

I think you need to find another support system in your world that isn't based on your husband and his family. You know they can't be relied on now, so you need to try finding people who are--and who aren't tied to your marital status.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:20 PM on November 8, 2014 [7 favorites]


Please hear us when we suggest that you need therapy. Going back to your husband because it was "horrible to be alone" is a terrible, dysfunctional and unhealthy reason to stay in a relationship. This is not actually about just the in laws, because your relationship with them stems from your relationship with your husband. How you move on with them has to do with how you are moving on with your husband. If you've stayed together because of your fear and loneliness then you are still in a pretty bad situation, which means the relationship with the in-laws will not improve unless/until the fundamental problems in your relationship are adequately addressed (which might really mean divorce - and giving up the in laws altogether) ..

A therapist can help you sort through all this ..
posted by Gray Skies at 5:46 PM on November 8, 2014 [7 favorites]


This may be a minor detail, but I wanted to chime in that I don't think you did anything wrong whatsoever in tactfully posting about an important part of your life to Facebook, and any suggestion to the contrary can get stuffed.
posted by kaspen at 6:56 PM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]


Best answer: Just seeing this: if I try to leave my husband I will be punished by my in-laws and emotionally frozen out and that's terrifying for a girl who doesn't have any other family.

Yes! It is terrifying to be frozen out by people you consider to be your only family, but as others have said, one of the lessons here is that you've seen them for what they are - NOT your family. Their love is conditional. And that's really sad. But now you know. You also need to know that if, ultimately, you do leave him, you will have to face two fears -- your fear of being without him, and your fear of being without family.

Honestly, that would be a lot for anyone to handle. This is why therapy - among other things - might help. I wish you the best.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:29 PM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]


Hello!

It is hard for me to write this, because I have been abundantly positive about my relationship on this site, like I have protected the relationship in every public-facing area of my life. But the truth is that I'm 32 and I'm separated from my wife, who was my high school sweetheart, who I have been with since we were 16, minus a year in college. It is true that she recently had a devastating affair and also true that there were many things that led to the affair that I was partially or fully responsible for. Our damaged relationship had limped along for years, with each of us putting in varying effort at some times and drifting apart at others. We are not likely to reconcile; I am fully grown now and I understand who I am and what I want and it just...isn't her.

When I told my parents, my mom was immediately angry. She said that my wife had never been nice to her, and neither my in-laws, both of which are ludicrous and typically self-centered. I didn't hear from my parents again until my mom had created a problem of her own making-most of a week later, when she called to find out whether I was really for sure pushing for a divorce as soon as possible. She had been telling people that, anyway, and she needed to get her story straight. I told her that it was unclear and that I wasn't able to manage her emotional state in addition to my own and that I didn't care what she told people, she could tell them whatever she pleased. That was a month ago and I've still been dragging my feet. When I talk to her now, she presses me about actions that I'm taking, do I have an attorney, what is my plan. She doesn't really know what is going on.

All she knows is the affair, she hasn't lived in the relationship for years every day the way that I have. And I don't have it in me to explain it to her, the more subtle things that make the affair, if not justifiable, understandable. I have a support system-quite a strong one, I'd say-and my parents just aren't a part of it. They need the story of me and my marriage and my divorce to fit a narrative. And by 'they' I really just mean my mom, my dad is another kettle of fish who doesn't exactly apply here.

Perhaps your parents are coming from a similar situation-impoverished in terms of information about your relationship, suffering from a lack of trust from their son, unable to blame him, and reaching out for someone to punish. I hope you can find it in your hear to treat them with kindness,with no expectation of anything back. I know that will be difficult.
posted by Kwine at 10:30 PM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]


Best answer: The idea that in-laws shouldn't be expected to love you unconditionally, they're not your "real" family etc is getting trotted out pretty regularly here. It's pretty clear this was OP's "real" family to her.

A daughter is a daughter. Be she step, bio, adopted, in-law, niece, whathaveyou. This woman was 16 years old when these people became her family. Over 20 years ago. This whole biology = family idea is backwards thinking baloney. It's unrealistic, myopic and not acknowledging the emotional reality OP is describing.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:34 PM on November 8, 2014 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: As always, you all have been incredibly helpful. I'm going to try very hard to swallow the resentment I feel toward my in-laws and move past the hurt to accept them for who they are and the limited, conditional love they have to give. And i will grieve for the loss of the illusion of relationship depth I thought I had with them all of these years. I truly didn't realize that when they said i was their daughter that there were conditions on that love that are not there for their love of their son.

WRT my marriage, I appreciate your unsolicited comments there as well even though they are hard to read. You don't have to tell me what the right thing to do there (it's why I haven't asked about it); I know what the healthy, safe, and kind-to-myself move is. I just don't have the support network (therapist, family, etc) lined up right now to execute my best options. And I have learned the hard way if you try to jump without a net, it's very very ugly and painful and something I had to reverse course on before the pain pushed me to the brink of despair/depression/suicide. I am doing much better in terms of stability since the reconciliation- things aren't happy but they're familiar and stable and with a new job, grad school, and other responsibilities stability is important. But having done a "test run" of sorts (although I did not intend it to be only a test at the time) I now know what the consequences are for my relationship decisions and can better prepare and plan for them in the future if needed.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 6:53 AM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]


If you're committed to the reconciliation, at least for the moment, may I recommend couples counseling? Perhaps you can leverage your husband's happiness that you've returned to the marriage to secure his participation. It might help with communication issues and even the inlaws matter. But most important, it might help you set and enforce behavioral boundaries, facilitated by a professional in a formal setting, that help keep you safe and help you feel safe.

PS You may be able to get affordable individual therapy through your grad school.
posted by carmicha at 7:23 AM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


I've looked back through your posting history here, and may I just suggest that his parents displayed the same behaviour that you are dealing with with their son? You don't see them as much so this was a shock and a surprise. And it doesn't need to be forgiven.

Best of luck and health to you.
posted by heatherann at 10:39 AM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]


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