boyfriend is overly self-deprecating

November 4, 2014 9:48 PM

I have a great, smart, sweet, wonderful new boyfriend who is incredibly self-deprecating quite a lot of the time. He apologizes for everything and has admitted that most of the time it's the self-deprecation talking. Is there anything, other than making him aware of it, that I can do to help?
posted by city_park to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Best answer: One thing I've learned from my years on this earth is that when you are someone's significant other, it is a bad idea to also strive to be their therapist/moral advisor/personality coach/carrot/stick/ and so on. Trying to "help" in these sorts of ways just doesn't seem to work in most relationships. It is difficult for people to offer or accept that kind of assistance without creating the conditions for some sort of perceived power imbalance which then leads to problems.

Of course, you should certainly be encouraging and supportive, and that might, in the end, lead him to be less self-depricating. But you should be (reasonably) encouraging and supportive because that's part of being a good partner, not in the hopes that this will change him.

Whatever you do, try not to get yourself in the position where you are constantly reassuring him about very basic things. While it may help him in the moment, it is ultimately not a healthy pattern for the two of you. And this is a hole that you never, ever will be able to fill no matter how many kind words you pour into it.

Finally, an observation: in my experience, those who are constantly, relentlessly self-depricating often have issues that go beyond low self esteem. Strange as it may seem, this style of interaction can be a pretty effective way of gaining control over others.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:14 PM on November 4, 2014 [37 favorites]

I, too, am sometimes an over-apologizer (mostly out of reflex). I once dated someone who just told me straight up, "Stop apologizing for everything all the time!"

He'd say it again anytime I got caught in a weird self-deprecating/over-apologizing cycle. "You're fine! Everything's OK! Stop apologizing!"

I don't know if it completely cured me of this behavior, but it helped a lot and I was glad that my boyfriend was willing to be straight with me about it. I mean, if the people you love can't be honest with you, who can you expect to be?
posted by Sara C. at 10:19 PM on November 4, 2014 [6 favorites]

I'm sure that this is a habit/reflex, and a lot of the time it doesn't mean much. However, I have dated a few people with this behavior, and a lot of time it was comorbid with anxiety issues. This may or may not be the case with your boo, but if it is, this is some insight into times when the apologizing can get over the top.

Sometimes they'd get trapped in a mental bad spot and need to leave the party/shut down during a discussion/do something they think will make you mad based on prior traumatic experiences they've had/etc and they'd feel bad they couldn't just soldier through the interaction so they'd get locked into apologizing as a way of saying, please don't hate me, I didn't mean to fuck everything up but I'm pretty sure everything's fucked up right now and also everyone is possibly out to get me and I am a garbage trash person and I'm sorry you have to put up with me, sorry sorry sorry sorry.

As a person with empathy who obviously cares about the person I'm dating and has dealt with all those feelings myself, my response would be a long hug and "It's really ok, I don't at all, I totally understand. We're gonna leave right now, ok? I wasn't having any fun anyway, I just want you to be ok. Thank you so much for coming with me! I'm gonna go get my bag, be right back."
posted by Juliet Banana at 10:50 PM on November 4, 2014 [17 favorites]

Don't challenge the behavior or thoughts directly, if it's based on low self esteem. Instead, get them thinking about how they are thinking, and slowly push them to be more logical. "Why do you say that? "

I particularly like to posit an imaginary friend that does what they do, and ask them what their response would be. That's a great way to point out logical fallacies, and people often know what they need to be told, they just need to listen to their own advice.

Remember you thinking they are great isn't a cure.
posted by gryftir at 12:22 AM on November 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

It seems like this could just be a habitual way of signaling politeness or prospectively reducing the costs of failure and disappointment (you know, "Yep, like I said, I suck at this, lol")--maybe more of a personal tic than a problem. If it actually stems from chronic shame or self-hate, I suspect calling attention to it would be pretty much the opposite of helpful. I'd leave it alone until either he opens up about whether there's a real issue or you really need to understand it as a matter of getting into some more committed stage of your relationship. Even then, I'd suggest proceeding with extreme care before making suggestions about what's in someone else's mind--it's typically a very fast way to prove how little two human beings really know about each other.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 1:19 AM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

You cant change him so you should not even try to do that. It will get frustrating after awhile. I think many women have this tendency to see the "flaws" and then start a year long plan to change those. At this new stage you should observe and see what works for you, what you like and what can be a red flag. He is who he is, it is up to you to see whether it will work for what and who you are.
posted by jellyjam at 1:50 AM on November 5, 2014

I don't know about helping him figure it out or whatever (agree with girlflaneur and Monsieur Caution), but you can model confident behaviour, and hold expectations that he will at least not put himself down. Try to avoid getting caught up in 'but' games ("[positive claim about him]" "But y," "What about q," "But z", etc.). Change the subject if he starts into that. If he apologizes for something ridiculous, mostly ignore it. Or every now and then, say (in a casual, bright, reassuring tone, not too over the top), "No need to apologize," or just "It's ok". Don't make a big fuss about it -- too much noise and he'll be nervous about that too. Just don't reinforce the apologizing, and stay neutral or positive.

People who hold themselves in low regard often find themselves distressed when they're challenged by compliments, especially when they're person-focused. Maybe you could focus compliments on actions and processes rather than on him per se ("That was a lovely meal, thank you" vs. "You're a great cook"). Show him that you care about him instead of telling him -- hug him, buy him a gift. All that might incrementally build into ideas he can accept (at least around you).
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:08 AM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

I agree with Juliet Banana that this behavior can stem from anxiety issues a lot of the time. I'm a periodic reflexive over-apologizer, and for me it's less about low self-esteem then about quick checkbacks seeking reassurance about the other person's mood/state-- "I'm sorry" is kind of a guess-culturey invitation for the other person to casually respond, "Naw, no worries, it's all good," so that you can stop worrying about them or the situation.

If you don't mind developing that reflexive reassuring response to his reflexive apologies, it might help defuse the interaction and make it less irritating to you. As cotton dress sock says, there's not necessarily any need for a big huge outpouring of love and sympathy and counterarguments in response to an apology like this; all you need might be a quick reassuring "Ping!" back in response to his "Ping?"
posted by Bardolph at 4:19 AM on November 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

I over apologize sometimes. I'm an only grand child, and my grandparents nickname for me was (literally) "Beautiful Princess of the Universe" (I wish I was lying). I also did pretty well in some quantifiable ways in school (test scores, things like that). But I didn't have that many friends. Too snobby and bossy and generally a know-it-all. So the apologizing is kind of a learned behavior in order to actually get along with people. People are more forgiving of someone who is too humble than someone who is a braggart.

I think the best way to deal with it when he's over apologizing to you is just to stop him, "Stop apologizing. You're fine."

If you worry that being too modest is getting in the way of his career, that's a bit harder. Probably best is to just be generally supportive. "You should let your boss know that you're doing all of this, it sounds like you're doing really good work." But that's not guaranteed to work, and definitely not quickly.
posted by anaelith at 5:12 AM on November 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Memorize this statement: No need to apologize.
I like this phrasing better than the above mentioned Stop apologizing, as the former seems much kinder and genteel and the latter sounds like some sort of command.
I like genteel.
You could even make a nice little joke by adding "my good man" or some such.
Have fun with it and keep it light and loving!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:19 AM on November 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

Best answer: Accept him as he is and love him for his imperfections. This, and this alone, will build up his confidence.
posted by myselfasme at 5:33 AM on November 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

The common wisdom is "you can't change a person". This is, of course, wrong, and this is one of the easier behaviors to change in a person.

First, though: have a heart-to-heart with him and ask him if he wants to work with you on this. If he says yes, then the rest is relatively simple: work out a fast, simple, non-hurtful way to tell him when he's doing it. I liked John Kennedy Toole Box's "No need to apologize" - "genteel", indeed! Plus you can work out a codeword, like "scrabble", for public situations. Basically, he'll be trusting you as an objective observer to help him identify situations where an apology isn't required. Chances are he's motivated - most guys do not consider this a positive character trait.

This also has the potential to strengthen your relationship, what with all the trusting and helping going on.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:58 AM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

What helps me deal with my self-deprecation stemming from low self esteem issues is doing things I'm good at and getting them praised by people I care about.
posted by hat_eater at 5:59 AM on November 5, 2014

Best answer: Did he ask for help? If not, it's not your place to "make him aware of it", which sounds an awful lot like "pointing out a perceived flaw until he is shamed into changing".

It's not the coolest thing in the world for you to go about "fixing" your SO, doubly so if the relationship is still new.
posted by Willie0248 at 6:14 AM on November 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'll propose an alternative explanation, that your S.O. might actually have a massive ego. Some people who are excessively self-deprecating seem to do so as a way of expressing their narcissistic personalities in a socially acceptable way. This is sometimes explained as "fishing for compliments."
posted by deathpanels at 6:29 AM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Sounds like a "Chuck" type. My username should clue you in to what I'm talking about. I used to display behavior like this and it comes from a place of low self-esteem. Even people who make jokes with it, deep down it's coming from a place of low self-esteem. Do you ever hear alpha male badboys put themselves down even in jest?

The only way for him to get over this problem is to understand what it is that causes him to feel this way. Maybe his parents put him down all his life, maybe he was bullied, maybe he hates the way he looks or did really bad in school and thinks he's "stupid" or something.

I found positive affirmtions don't work at all, but maybe if YOU say good things about him and reassure him, and if you can convince other people close to him to do the same it could help. Even a "wow, you did a really good job I'm impressed!" when he does a good job. Obviously don't be patronizing with it and say that when he's just finished doing the dishes or it could make him feel worse... But when he's done well let him know.

@deathpanels that's not true. People who fish for compliments are insecure about themselves even if it seems like they are narcissistic. In fact some forms of narcissism exist as a defense mechanism against a negtive self-image.
posted by Woodstock at 6:44 AM on November 5, 2014

Best answer: I am an over-apologizer, and though I am less self-deprecating than I used to be, I still do fall into the trap from time to time, of painting myself as "oh you know me, I'm so clumsy I can trip standing still" or otherwise kind of hapless.

It is definitely an anxiety thing. When I apologize for something minor it is because I have memories of situations where a tiny thing blew up into an enormous fight, and even though those were rare situations, those memories are more powerful than the billion times I dropped something/spilled something/said something dumb and nothing really happened as a result. (Why yes, I did grew up with a loving, but explosively angry, parent. Funny you should ask...)

The apology is a hope of short-circuiting that "mistake --> festering resentment --> end of world" cycle that probably isn't even happening, but I am anxious, so let's apologize just in case.

It is, in a way, about control; I feel like other peoples' reactions can be unpredictable and volatile, but by apologizing I can at least know that on my side, I have taken responsibility and done what I can do.

How I started getting better was, as people have said above, dealing with my anxiety and also being in relationships where forgiveness was genuine and quickly offered. So the quickest and best thing you can do is simply accept your SO's apologies (and yes, "no apology necessary" is a great phrase), and offer forgiveness readily. this assumes of course that they aren't intentionally doing anything cruel, careless, or dishonest.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:53 AM on November 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

"It seems like at some point there was someone in your life who made you feel you need to apologize for this perfectly normal behavior. You don't need to apologize for it. I appreciate the way you handle these things."
posted by kelegraph at 11:59 AM on November 5, 2014

Best answer: He sounds just like my hubby. From personal experience I can tell you that no amount of input on your part is going to make him stop doing it. My hubby, like your boyfriend, is aware that he does this on a frequent basis; he is now in counseling for this and some other issues he is going through. Your boyfriend may benefit from counseling/therapy, but that's a decision that has to be his own.

I feel for you... it is very difficult to listen to negative talk by someone you love. Best of luck to you both!
posted by chatelaine at 12:03 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Negative self image and narcissism are tightly coupled conditions.
posted by deathpanels at 6:58 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]