Should I stay or should I go now?

November 11, 2005 9:04 PM

I'm about to end what is a very good relationship overall...

...but it's not perfect.

In fact, it's not really close to perfect, but at my age (34) I don't expect perfection. I expect perfect compatibility for a few deal-breakers, and then everything else is negotiable.

All the deal breakers for us are in place except for one. I'm loathe to mention what the missing piece of the relationship is. I fear that others would denigrate my decision to even consider ending a good relationship "because of that?!?!". Needless to say, it is something very, very important to me. I will say, however, that it is not an issue of sexuality, monagmy v. polygamy, etc. We are compatible on the sex scale. It is also not an issue of offspring, as we have no intention of having any. We have discussed the specific issue ad nauseam and it has become clear that she has no interest in compromise, and believes that her ideal partner would and should accept this decision.

I am 34, never married, no kids at all in the picture. She is 31, never married. We have been together one year. We live together in my house.

I feel like if I do not end the relationship, I am in fact settling, which is the one thing I said I'd never do. On the other hand, she is the closest I have found to the one who meets all my criteria, at least since my late 20's, which is when I really established what my criteria in fact were.

I guess what I would like to hear from mefites is: A) Did you ever compromise on a deal-breaker to sustain a relationship, and do you regret it or was it it the right long-term decison? Conversely, B) Did you ever stick by your guns, end a relationship and end up better off or extremely regretful that you let that one slip away?

posted by anonymous to human relations (37 comments total)

I have had a relationship where, during the early parts of the relationship, I was laboring under a few misconceptions, and if I had had all of the information at the start of the relationship, I might have considered it a dealbreaker. After being with this person for several months, and certain things became clear, I decided that I could live with them.

Are you truly, deeply convinced that your dealbreaker is non-negotiable?
posted by jojopizza at 9:14 PM on November 11, 2005

I compromised a dealbreaker, and we have a beautiful son as a result. Guess that doesn't really answer your question though.
posted by mischief at 9:14 PM on November 11, 2005

I compormised on a couple of deal breakers and let me tell you, I regretted it. Not only was it unhealthy but it was also desctructive for myself and the relationship. The relationship ended badly but in the long it was for the better. It's been over a year and I still think about it from time to time but realize that I was lucky that it ended. The little (or big) things you think you can ignore, disregard or settle for in the short term will eat you up in the long run until you either explode with all the bad feelings or keep it all in and become bitter and angry toward her. Those underlying feelings will make themlseves apparent in time and will only serve to make both of you miserable.

The moral? Don't settle! Ever! It's one thing to make compromises for the one you love, but you have to realize when they are healthy loving compromises and when they are not. Being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to you.
posted by eatcake at 9:19 PM on November 11, 2005

Without knowing what the specific issue is, it's very difficult to offer advice or suggestions. You're posting anon, so you might as well let it out. And I, for one, won't denigrate you for such an issue: if it's important to you, then it just is. Tell us more.
posted by davidmsc at 9:19 PM on November 11, 2005

Being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to you.
posted by eatcake at 9:19 PM PST on November 11 [!]

I definitely agree with this. Also with "Being in love doesn't mean you should get married."
posted by jojopizza at 9:24 PM on November 11, 2005

i'm thinking about this and all i can say is that if you can't tell us what the deal breaker is, how are you going to tell her? ... i think you're somewhat uncomfortable with telling us ... and you're going to be even more uncomfortable when you use it for a reason to break up with her ... unless this has something to do with money ... or health

if it's money, many relationships break up over it and it is a deal-breaker

if it's health ... (hers?) ... well, i guess you know what you can deal with

it's really hard to give advice to people who don't tell us the main point
posted by pyramid termite at 9:26 PM on November 11, 2005

Hmm.

"Honey, remember that time when I was disgusted, ready to break up with you because I totally hated that thing that was so crucially important to you; but then the answers to a completely vague, nebulous question on Ask Metafilter made me stay with you and marry you instead? Aren't you glad the folks on Ask Metafilter were so wise?"

If you can see yourself delivering this line a few years from now - and not getting slapped across the face - you might consider staying with her. Why she'd want to stay with you is another, probably better question, but you didn't ask us to consider it.

But I doubt it. I read "I am in fact settling" and I think you're already mentally way out of the place you need to be in for a happy marriage.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:58 PM on November 11, 2005

I think it's impossible to give any meaningful answers till we know what the dealbreaker is. A dealbreaker that revolves around finances/career, for example, might have vastly different implications (and -- more to the point as it relates to AskMe -- prompt a vastly different range of responses) than a dealbreaker that revolves around living near or far from someone's family, say. For god's sake, this is what anonymous posting is for. Either repost the question or pop the $5 for a sockpuppet, but being coy about it seems likely to garner mostly abstract or hypothetical answers.
posted by scody at 10:22 PM on November 11, 2005

Well, it is impossible to give an answer of any insight or depth because of the deficiencies of the question. Given that, I think the best answer I can come up with is this: if it is to survivie the long term, every relationship involves compromise, including compromise on serious issues that mean a lot to the participants. So the question is, is there any way to compromise on this issue without compromising yourself? Without knowing more nobody can give much insight on pinning down the line between those two things. And really that comes down to you anyway.
posted by nanojath at 10:25 PM on November 11, 2005

If you "settle" today, you'll probably "resent" tomorrow. Doesn't seem like a path to happiness, to me.
posted by mattwatson at 10:44 PM on November 11, 2005

Appreciating all everyone's said, I once decided a dealbreaker was a dealbreaker and now wonder how i could have been so stupid as to wreck a great opportunity for happiness. If you want to break, break, but be honest enough to know you may regret it. Seeking perfection is increasingly destructive as I age.
posted by anadem at 10:57 PM on November 11, 2005

I'd say if this dealbreaker will prevent you from accomplishing a major life goal, for example she's unwilling to leave her hometown and your professional goals will require you to move, end it. Compromise for either of you will result in major sacrifice and resentment. You're both grownups and have made significant progress on your life paths so far, and you need to look for people compatible with that path.

If this dealbreaker involves her doing something you find unethical or not in line with your moral beliefs, for example she has a different religious or political belief system than you, consider ending it, but think deeply. Remember, there are evangelicals married to atheists, socialists partnered with free market capitalists, Democrats living blissfully with Republicans. These relationships can work if your love for the person blinds you to their "shortcomings" and you are capable of avoiding the moral dilemma. They can't work if you're always going to be bickering, of if your belief system is so deep that you'll always look down on your partner because of your disagreement.

If the dealbreaker is behavioral, for example she's very messy and you require tidiness in your life, think carefully before ending it. Is she willing or able to change? If not, consider whether you can change your behavior or your expectations. You may not want to change. Think about this: is the suffering you'll experience by giving up on this dealbreaker greater than the suffer you'll experience by giving up on a person you love?
posted by croutonsupafreak at 11:51 PM on November 11, 2005

In any relationship there is an element of compromise. But if there is a strong love and a willingness to grow together, something that might seem like a potential dealbreaker can be overcome. You say she's not prepared to compromise this particular issue. So the deal may already be broken.

"I feel like if I do not end the relationship, I am in fact settling, which is the one thing I said I'd never do."

But nowhere in your question to you talk about love. Instead you refer to 'compatiability' and 'meeting your criteria'. That sounds like 'settling'.

Trust your gut feeling.
posted by essexjan at 12:38 AM on November 12, 2005

She smokes? You're breaking up for that?!
posted by rafter at 1:43 AM on November 12, 2005

I've never broken up over a deal breaker, but two of the saddest things I've ever heard were:

a woman I know who is now in her 60's once told me that she had skipped her "one true chance at happiness" because the "love of her life" had wanted her to quit smoking and she had refused. They obviously broke up over the issue.

another woman I know had been married for ten years when she felt her biological clock ticking. her husband didn't want children. she divorced her husband so that she could find someone to have kids with. she's now in her late forties, still unmarried/unattached, and it's safe to say that although she *could* still have kids, she's well past her best child-bearing years.

I guess I'm saying that a) maybe down the road you'll find that your deal-breaker needn't have been a deal-breaker, and b) life doesn't always go as planned, why not just "love the one you're with"?

having said all this, I agree with others who have observed that you seem to have made up your mind anyway. In my experience, don't over analyse, follow your heart and you'll have no regrets.
posted by ancamp at 3:20 AM on November 12, 2005

i've been wondering what "a dealbreaker" is. i don't remember ever having a list that specified what i would and would not accept, and checking items off before deciding whehther to continue a relationship.

"but", you cry, "there must be things you couldn't stand?" why yes, of course. everyone has things they find repugnant. but if you find something so disgusting, how on earth can a relationship even start?

what i'm saying is, if you've got to the point where you can ask this strange question, then i don't see how it is a dealbreaker.
posted by andrew cooke at 3:51 AM on November 12, 2005

These kinds of personal posts are baffling. They all seem to come off the same way: The person WANTS to do a specific thing but is afraid they might feel bad for doing it, so they want collective permission to do it so they won't feel bad. If a person wants advice, they should be willing to give a fuller range of details about the situation so that they get good advice.

You start off saying it's a good relationship, but not perfect? She's the closet you've found that fits all your criteria?Dude, we're talking about people here, not that specific DVD player you've had your heart set on. No one and no relationship is perfect and anyone who says their relationship IS perfect is still drunk at 3am.

My one question to is this: Are you in love? Not like, or really deep affection but slightly crazy, just hearing her voice makes you smile, alright I'll leave the toilet seat down love. 'Cause it don't sound like it and that's when smaller stuff seems to matter more.

Finally there are dealbreakers and there are DEALBREAKERS. Sometimes we set up false walls that should be knocked down. Other times, as individuals, we're perfectly within our rights to set up certain guidelines that others MUST obey. The trick is knowing which is which :)
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:03 AM on November 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

Andrew and Brandon are absolutely right. You need to get over this word "dealbreaker," and over the idea that compromising one of your "dealbreakers" is somehow a sacrifice of your pride, or personhood, or willpower, or whatever. Life is a lot more complicated and interesting than the set of "criteria" you drew up in your 20s probably leads it to suggest. If you are in love with her and your relationship is great, then how can this "dealbreaker" mean anything except in the most abstract fashion?

You write: We have discussed the specific issue ad nauseam and it has become clear that she has no interest in compromise, and believes that her ideal partner would and should accept this decision.

There we go with the weird abstract ideas again: "ideal partner." Where is this ideal partner except in her (and your) mind? All this is just ideas. You've only been together one year--nowadays, hardly enough time for you to demand a referendum on the relationship. Give it time before you take the step of declaring some kind of ultimatum. Don't think about it as a battle in which one of you must prove more stalwart and steadfast in defending their position and principles. How are things working out with living together? If they're working out well, then you will only be getting closer, and perhaps will be able to discuss these kinds of issues in an actual, concrete, meaningful, immediate way rather than in this abstract language of "criteria" and "dealbreakers" and "ideal partners." What you're describing here are two somewhat commitment-shy people with their heads in the clouds.

I fear that others would denigrate my decision to even consider ending a good relationship "because of that?!?!".

You should fear exactly that: the way you're thinking about this relationship makes no sense. You should take a step back, re-read your question, and try to see how strange and irrelevant it really sounds. If you can't even articulate the problem because you know on its face that it's absurd, then how can you seriously maintain this high-minded tone of absolute, principled criteria-sorting and deal-making and "settling"? If you're happy, you're happy; if you're not, you're not; but in real life nobody should be breaking up or getting married because a set of criteria has been met and a deal has been struck. You need to think about that big word "love" instead of these principles and demands and negotiations--and to do that, you might just need to wait a little.
posted by josh at 5:53 AM on November 12, 2005

What, is she in prison? Unable to speak English? A Republican? Get a throwaway email address and write me in my profile. I'll post it here. But without knowing what the dealbreaker is (does she smoke crack? like beastiality? star in musical theater?), we can't tell you if you're silly for thinking about marrying her or silly for thinking about breaking up with her.
posted by klangklangston at 6:53 AM on November 12, 2005

Someone gave me this advice: "Stop looking for the perfect woman, because if you found her, what would she want with you?" You chose to make it work or not, you are in control and you decide. If one of your own desires is stronger than your desire for her, then end it. If, however, you can put her first in your life, get rid of the "perfect" criteria.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:30 AM on November 12, 2005

josh : "If you can't even articulate the problem because you know on its face that it's absurd"

I believe anon is saying that he can't articulate the problem because we would find it absurd, not because he himself finds it absurd.

klangklangston : "we can't tell you if you're silly for thinking about marrying her or silly for thinking about breaking up with her."

That's precisely the sort of answer I'm assuming anon wants to avoid. The question isn't "Is she wrong, or am I wrong?", but that's the type of answer MeFi likes to give. By obscuring the issue, the question is kept (more than it would otherwise) on the rails of "Did you ever compromise on a deal-breaker to sustain a relationship, and do you regret it or was it it the right long-term decison? Conversely, did you ever stick by your guns, end a relationship and end up better off or extremely regretful that you let that one slip away?"
posted by Bugbread at 7:32 AM on November 12, 2005

Anon is, in effect, asking for hindsight, but I hope he understands that we can't really pre-emptively provide him with that, at least for his situation, though a few posters have shared their own anecdotes about settling/compromising.

I agree with those who advise anon to think more carefully about whether this dealbreaker really has to be a dealbreaker. The way he couched it, with a fear of how people would react, makes it sound like it's something that might be relatively insignificant and not something that's actually harmful, or dangerous, or illegal, though it's important to anon for whatever reason. As josh suggested, maybe "You're dumping her for THAT?!?!" is something that he should hear. He obviously wants to avoid it, but maybe it's warranted.
posted by Gator at 8:06 AM on November 12, 2005

What about compromising for a trial period? I had a relationship a couple years ago where I had to say "You need to accept xyz about me" and the guy could have said "No" but instead, he decided to try the compromise. It ended up not working, but to this day I give him a ton of credit for trying. The fact that he tried is more important than whether or not we broke up over it.

Nobody is making you promise that if you compromise you'll end up marrying her. Agreeing to test your previously-held beliefs or whatever (can't really say since you were incredibly vague) can only make you a better (more understanding?) person.
posted by elisabeth r at 8:10 AM on November 12, 2005

You might regret it down the line, one way or the other, but thats life. We make decisions and have no choice but to live by them. There is no right answer, we make the best guess we can right now about our future satisfaction and live by it. Of course in hindsight things may appear different than they do now, but thats what we live with. There is no point in us sharing our experiences with you, as you are the only who knows whether the deal-breaker is something that will be as important to you down the line, and the consequences of sticking or breaking it. One useful piece of advice I can give is to take the time to imagine your life in both situations, sticking with and breaking, and notice where you are more alive, connected, satisfied... The other is to go to couples therapy. It is a huge advantage to have someone mediate between you when things seem insurmountable. Whether you decide to stay together or split, you will feel better about the decision if you gave it the time to evaluate your positions with a mediator.
posted by blueyellow at 8:11 AM on November 12, 2005

Can we mark Elisabeth's answer as the best?
'Cause that's a really simple, and direct idea that, either way, will bring a bit of growth and understanding to the original poster: either he'll decide that condition isn't that important or it'll cement his personal boundaries, which is just fine.

Take a bow Elisabeth!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:28 AM on November 12, 2005

"Did you ever compromise on a deal-breaker to sustain a relationship, and do you regret it or was it it the right long-term decison? Conversely, did you ever stick by your guns, end a relationship and end up better off or extremely regretful that you let that one slip away?"
Yeah, but that question is a) chatfilter and b) so vague as to be unusable for any practical advice. I thought having a girlfriend go away for a while was a dealbreaker. Once it was, once it wasn't.
Part of the wisdom of AskMetafilter is getting your questions redirected to the ones that you should be asking.
posted by klangklangston at 8:49 AM on November 12, 2005

Anon is, in effect, asking for hindsight, but I hope he understands that we can't really pre-emptively provide him with that

yep, exactly. If you break up and end up finding a more perfect relationship in the future, it will have been "the right choice." If you break up but never find a partner more ideal, it will have been "the wrong choice." Sadly, no one can tell you what will happen...

I broke off the one real long-term relationship I ever had (all others were less than 8 months) because I decided intellectual compatibility was really central to me. It was not easy, and for me, the issue is absolutely no more clear now than it was then. We had some things and we didn't have other things, and I could imagine other scenarios. I ended up taking the position that I didn't want to resent my life partner so I ended it. But I am still sad to think of our life together because so much of it was good, and I have other outlets for intellectual companionship - etc... The thing is, I know that if I do find someone who I connect with on other levels and who also excites me intellectually, that I will very likely start to see the choice as a positive one. And the further I go toward spinsterhood, the more negative the choice seems.

Basically, the future will cast a certain light over the decision, and no one can see the future. You just have to realistically accept that you are taking a risk if you break it off, and that to a certain extent the odds are against you (finding a 'perfect match' is really pretty rare).

Just remember that if you stay with it, you have to make that an active choice: stop imagining some other more perfect scenario, and instead commit to making this actual real life connection as much as it can be, make it your life, not something you're 'giving in' to. I knew that if I was going to stay with my ex, I would have had to actively decide that what we had was what I wanted, and stop expecting or imagining anything else - I'd have to fulfill my other needs in other ways, and enjoy the particulars of what we had for what they were. If you can't commit to letting go of unrealistic fantasies and making this real life situation work, then you will probably end up resentful. And no one can tell you if that lingering daydream of 'something better' that causes the resentment would happen or not. You have to either choose to kill the daydream, or take the risk and find out if the daydream will become reality, or a stupid childish fantasy that kept you from happiness.
posted by mdn at 10:29 AM on November 12, 2005

I am all for standing firm on your dealbreakers: it certainly doesn't make sense to stay with someone who falls short in a basic way, given the work and compromise it takes to maintain a relationship even without a fundamental incompatability. (Whether or not that's a correct judgment, is, of course, a whole different matter).

My question is: why were you dating someone like that in the first place? If we're talking about a fundamental quality of intellect or character, people are very unlikely to change.
posted by MattD at 10:38 AM on November 12, 2005

I've already stated here (and in the MeTa thread) that I think without knowing what the dealbreaker is, the answers you receive will be pretty limited in their scope. But still, your question's got me thinking about what my own "dealbreakers" might be.

The one that occurs to me that I've carried around is intellectual/professional compatibility. Put simply, I'm a bit of a snob in this arena -- no, I never felt someone had to have a Ph.D. from Harvard to be worthy of dating (if I did, then I'd be out of my own running!), but I did always believe I'd never have a serious relationship with someone who A) didn't have a college degree, B) wasn't a highly avid reader, and C) didn't have some sort of professional career.

Flash foward to about five months ago, when I started dating my current boyfriend. He never went to college (did go to acting school for awhile), is innately very smart but doesn't really read much (at least not in comparison to me), and works as a bartender to support his writing/acting.

By one school of thought in terms of dealbreakers, this should be a big one. I shouldn't have to "settle" on the question of intellectual compatibility (it's important to me to be able to have deep discussions about history and literature with my partner, right?) or on professional potential (if I'm ever going to buy a house in SoCal it'll take two steady incomes, won't it?).

But by another school of thought, that dealbreaker is irrelevant -- because the relationship is so notable in ways that are different from all the guys I was with who did "fit" my intellectual/professional standards. My bf is warmer, more considerate, more generous, and more open/communicative than anyone I've ever been in a relationship with. There's plenty of people to talk about Dostoyevsky with, but there's only one of him. No, I don't know yet if he and I are in it for the long haul. But if we do eventually go our separate ways, it's not going to be because he somehow "failed" to meet all my criteria that I, too, thought were so very, very important.

So evaluate your dealbreaker vs. your girlfriend. Which would you rather lose? And as far as your rather clinical statement "she is the closest I have found to the one who meets all my criteria" goes -- sheesh, dude, do you love her? If you can't immediately say "yes" without qualification, then there's your one-and-only dealbreaker right there.
posted by scody at 12:34 PM on November 12, 2005

Scody: Somewhat offtopic, but I found myself in the same situation that you are in (reverse he/her, remove bartending, etc., but otherwise the same) about 5 years and change ago, and we're now married ^_^
posted by Bugbread at 12:51 PM on November 12, 2005

I read this on AskMeFi somewhere:

Once you imagine yourself gone, you're gone.
posted by Tubes at 3:59 PM on November 12, 2005

"Did you ever compromise on a deal-breaker to sustain a relationship, and do you regret it or was it it the right long-term decision? Conversely, did you ever stick by your guns, end a relationship and end up better off or extremely regretful that you let that one slip away?"

To answer your question: I compromised many times on many issues, some of which turned out to be regrettable, some turned out to be life sustaining. Conversely, a number of times I did stick by my guns because I couldn't help myself, all other options were unimaginable, and it never occurred to me to question them, those other choices didn't belong to me, I would have had to be someone else to choose them.

Other than that, I'd recommend you see a therapist to deal with personal issues such as a lack flexibility, fear of making decisions, and wanting exaggerated attention on strictly private decisions. This advice may seem cold, but it would be the one most useful to you.
posted by semmi at 5:40 PM on November 12, 2005

Add my voice to the chorus singing the praises of giving it time. I opted out once from a relationship which, while it wasn't "very good over all" (as you describe yours to be) was still more good than bad. In retrospect (two years later - it was my most recent serious relationship), I still think it was the right thing to do, but I think I could have handled it better, more conciously, and with more consideration for her - and that in turn would have brought me more peace, subsequently.

As far as compromising goes - I think few things are more worth compromising for than love. It can be a beautiful thing, I reckon, to do something (or give something up) solely because the person you love wants you to. It shouldn't necessarily be fundamentally character-altering, I suppose - so cough up some specific info on the dealbreaker, and we'll all gladly weigh in again.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 10:31 PM on November 12, 2005

Confidential to semmi: I second the notion of therapy, as it has helped me in similar situations. However, I've also benefited tremendously from the insight I've found on AskMefi. Even the PROCESS of writing the question has been illuminating, to say nothing of the thoughtful responses that I received, or the realization that my question, however insurmountable it may feel at the moment, has been dealt with successfully by scores of people out there. It's possible that ol'anon is not feeling too great about this issue, and that's why he posted to AskMefi - for a little support and perspective. Could he have asked the question more thoroughly? Sure. No need to be so harsh, imho.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 10:37 PM on November 12, 2005

I think it depends enormously on why you consider this particular thing a dealbreaker. That you say "I feel like if I do not end the relationship, I am in fact settling, which is the one thing I said I'd never do" suggests to me that the "dealbreaker" is just something you've had on your "list of dealbreakers" but isn't, in fact, a dealbreaker at all. Clearly you've had a relationship to this point in spite of it.

My girlfriend smokes. There was a time when that would've been a dealbreaker. There are all kinds of reasons why a nonsmoker might not want to date a smoker. I came to realize that for me, it was primarily an image thing - I just couldn't see myself with "that kind of girl." I attach a lot of negative stereotypes to smokers, some accurate, some not. But ultimately, it just doesn't affect me all that much. She goes outside to smoke. Occasionally I have to wait for her to light up. Long distance flights are just a little bit more aggravating. But it's OK. In practice, it's not a dealbreaker. But if I stubbornly hung on to my "list of dealbreakers," I'd have to kick her to the curb. Instead, I crossed it off my list.
posted by zanni at 4:32 AM on November 13, 2005

No one is perfect, and if you break up with this person for what other people may consider to be not a big thing, you could regret it forever. No "perfect" partner exists. You can just choose to disagree on the issue. However, if the "dealbreaker" is something you absolutely cannot stand, then DO NOT marry this person. You will find that the habit becomes more annoying once you're married.
posted by cass at 10:36 AM on November 14, 2005

No one is perfect, and if you break up with this person for what other people may consider to be not a big thing, you could regret it forever

Or not. That is life-- we don't know what is around the corner.

My husband was engaged to be married but then after wrestling with his conscious he broke it off. The dealbreaker wasn't that she was black and he wasn't. The dealbreaker wasn't that she had three small children that he would have to assume responsibility for. The deal breaker was she was religious and he is an agnostic.

A few months later he met me. We've been together 5 years, married for one, and we are insanely happy. While he did have to make a few compromises (I'm much older so he will most likely never be a daddy) he didn't have to compromise on what was most important to him-- we are intellectual soul mates with tremendous sexual chemistry.

So maybe you compromise and it works out or it doesn't. Maybe you don't compromise and it works out or it doesn't. You just have to roll the dice.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 12:12 PM on November 14, 2005