Help me Interact with my Friends and their troubled son
November 1, 2014 9:51 PM Subscribe
I think my friends are in denial that their son may be showing signs of autism. How can I be a caring friend during this time?
I have friends we'll call T and L. T and L have a son named Rex. From early on, Rex seemed to be having some problems-- slow to sit up, crawl, etc. Over time, Rex seemed to have other social/developmental problems- trouble making eye contact, focusing, engaging with people, etc.
Rex's unusual behavior has become more pronounced. He might be showing signs of autism. When I socialize with them, Rex does odd things like screeching or flapping. T just ignores or pretends it's normal.
And when I ask how Rex is doing, T says, "Great!" T did once indicate they were worried when he wasn't saying words, but also mentioned that was common in her family.
I'm concerned that T and L are in denial and Rex is missing out on help. I haven't said anything except I once asked whether they would ever consider feeding him some meat (the family is vegetarian and Rex seems to eat only fruit.) L got very angry about this suggestion.
Sometimes the child throws things at me or makes loud, unusual sounds. It's uncomfortable to pretend that everything is ok. Selfishly, it's also frustrating because T and L now rarely leave the house because Rex doesn't like to.
I wish there was a way to acknowledge what's going on. Do I say something? Do I also pretend everything is fine? Should I just bug off? How do I be a caring friend and also maintain our friendship?
I have friends we'll call T and L. T and L have a son named Rex. From early on, Rex seemed to be having some problems-- slow to sit up, crawl, etc. Over time, Rex seemed to have other social/developmental problems- trouble making eye contact, focusing, engaging with people, etc.
Rex's unusual behavior has become more pronounced. He might be showing signs of autism. When I socialize with them, Rex does odd things like screeching or flapping. T just ignores or pretends it's normal.
And when I ask how Rex is doing, T says, "Great!" T did once indicate they were worried when he wasn't saying words, but also mentioned that was common in her family.
I'm concerned that T and L are in denial and Rex is missing out on help. I haven't said anything except I once asked whether they would ever consider feeding him some meat (the family is vegetarian and Rex seems to eat only fruit.) L got very angry about this suggestion.
Sometimes the child throws things at me or makes loud, unusual sounds. It's uncomfortable to pretend that everything is ok. Selfishly, it's also frustrating because T and L now rarely leave the house because Rex doesn't like to.
I wish there was a way to acknowledge what's going on. Do I say something? Do I also pretend everything is fine? Should I just bug off? How do I be a caring friend and also maintain our friendship?
If you value your relationship with T and L, I would encourage you not to mention this. There is no way this conversation will end well, and there is a good chance it could seriously damage your relationship.
Assuming the child is going for regular visits to the doctor, I don't see how your intervention would help him.
And one aside: while Rex should obviously be eating more than fruit, many happy, healthy children are raised vegetarian.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:13 PM on November 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
Assuming the child is going for regular visits to the doctor, I don't see how your intervention would help him.
And one aside: while Rex should obviously be eating more than fruit, many happy, healthy children are raised vegetarian.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:13 PM on November 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
Should I just bug off?
Yes. Rex may "catch up" eventually. Or he may not. But as you've presented the facts here, this is not your battle
How do I be a caring friend and also maintain our friendship?
These ideas aren't at odds with one another. You be a caring friend and maintain the friendship by being there for T and L; listen to them, talk to them, and offer to help if and when it becomes appropriate. In the meantime let them parent their child.
I also want to say that you seem rather displeased with and stressed out by Rex. It's not clear to me if this is because the situation (feeling like his parents are ignoring red flags) is making you uncomfortable, or because the neuroatypical behavior makes you uncomfortable/unhappy.
If the former, fine, but I still advise you to keep your mouth shut. If the latter, particularly if Rex does turn out to be on the spectrum, I encourage you to either (a) reframe your thinking / hide this discomfort or (b) slowly and gently remove yourself from the family's life. My little brother is mentally handicapped, and nothing breaks my parents' hearts more than seeing their friends and family cringe at his presence.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:33 PM on November 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
Yes. Rex may "catch up" eventually. Or he may not. But as you've presented the facts here, this is not your battle
How do I be a caring friend and also maintain our friendship?
These ideas aren't at odds with one another. You be a caring friend and maintain the friendship by being there for T and L; listen to them, talk to them, and offer to help if and when it becomes appropriate. In the meantime let them parent their child.
I also want to say that you seem rather displeased with and stressed out by Rex. It's not clear to me if this is because the situation (feeling like his parents are ignoring red flags) is making you uncomfortable, or because the neuroatypical behavior makes you uncomfortable/unhappy.
If the former, fine, but I still advise you to keep your mouth shut. If the latter, particularly if Rex does turn out to be on the spectrum, I encourage you to either (a) reframe your thinking / hide this discomfort or (b) slowly and gently remove yourself from the family's life. My little brother is mentally handicapped, and nothing breaks my parents' hearts more than seeing their friends and family cringe at his presence.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:33 PM on November 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
Hm. This is tough.
Can you update with what area you are in? That will help folks point you towards resources.
While I am not an expert, I know that Autism and Aspergers were reclassified under the DSMV - so there's a whole lot of controversy there.
Your observations are not a diagnosis. Does Rex ever see a pediatrician? Because the concerns you raise would have been flagged by one.
I also know folks who did not speak early (including Einstein!) that have turned out just fine. The leaving the house thing is much harder, socialization and Emotional Intelligence being very important (although not absolute!) indicators of success in life. And by that, I mean able to function so as not to end up depressed or isolated later on in life.
There's a huge movement to pathologize anyone "different." It kinda sucks.
The hallmark of Autism Spectrum Disorder IMHO is sensitivity - so strangers, noises, etc.. - this is a thing.
I believe it is good to engage in Intervention Services early for the social issues (read: sensitivities) because a basic ability to attend education and participate with peers is positive. Speech therapy is important to foster communication across the board.
---
You don't state Rex's age. I recently interacted with a six year old that was deep in the Autism Spectrum - unable to focus, physically unruly, sweet but super aggressive. That's a child that needed services earlier.
We can not diagnose Rex.
I read a study where proving language and social deficiencies often even out with most children by eight years old. Rex's language stuff may be just fine.
Maybe ask your friends what their pediatrician has recommended, then drop it?
I (and others) can add more if you give Rex's age and area .
A friend of mine works in this field of Early Intervention. They have a saying, "Diagnosed by two years old, cured by five."
This leads me to believe early intervention helps all, but some are truly in need, and some are just in that group of normal uneven development that evens out as children get older.
We can't diagnose Rex.
posted by jbenben at 10:42 PM on November 1, 2014
Can you update with what area you are in? That will help folks point you towards resources.
While I am not an expert, I know that Autism and Aspergers were reclassified under the DSMV - so there's a whole lot of controversy there.
Your observations are not a diagnosis. Does Rex ever see a pediatrician? Because the concerns you raise would have been flagged by one.
I also know folks who did not speak early (including Einstein!) that have turned out just fine. The leaving the house thing is much harder, socialization and Emotional Intelligence being very important (although not absolute!) indicators of success in life. And by that, I mean able to function so as not to end up depressed or isolated later on in life.
There's a huge movement to pathologize anyone "different." It kinda sucks.
The hallmark of Autism Spectrum Disorder IMHO is sensitivity - so strangers, noises, etc.. - this is a thing.
I believe it is good to engage in Intervention Services early for the social issues (read: sensitivities) because a basic ability to attend education and participate with peers is positive. Speech therapy is important to foster communication across the board.
---
You don't state Rex's age. I recently interacted with a six year old that was deep in the Autism Spectrum - unable to focus, physically unruly, sweet but super aggressive. That's a child that needed services earlier.
We can not diagnose Rex.
I read a study where proving language and social deficiencies often even out with most children by eight years old. Rex's language stuff may be just fine.
Maybe ask your friends what their pediatrician has recommended, then drop it?
I (and others) can add more if you give Rex's age and area .
A friend of mine works in this field of Early Intervention. They have a saying, "Diagnosed by two years old, cured by five."
This leads me to believe early intervention helps all, but some are truly in need, and some are just in that group of normal uneven development that evens out as children get older.
We can't diagnose Rex.
posted by jbenben at 10:42 PM on November 1, 2014
I think it REALLY matters how old this child is. Throwing things, screeching and having finicky habits are not out of the normal range for say, a two year old. I have (close) personal experience with a situation where the parent is in denial about their kid but the kid in that case is 11 and it is blatantly obvious to absolutely everyone except the parent. And even in that case, there isn't a ton that can be done without making the parent extremely angry and defensive. With a smaller child and less clear-cut case, I would absolutely butt out.
posted by celtalitha at 10:49 PM on November 1, 2014
posted by celtalitha at 10:49 PM on November 1, 2014
To answer your direct question...
The current model is to praise Rex when his behavior is positive, and to ignore behaviors that are undesirable.
That said, this model works for 3+. At 2 years old, this is abusive if the child's only way of attracting attention to a problem might be classified as "acting out."
Professional guidance is required to help answer your question.
posted by jbenben at 10:58 PM on November 1, 2014
The current model is to praise Rex when his behavior is positive, and to ignore behaviors that are undesirable.
That said, this model works for 3+. At 2 years old, this is abusive if the child's only way of attracting attention to a problem might be classified as "acting out."
Professional guidance is required to help answer your question.
posted by jbenben at 10:58 PM on November 1, 2014
This isn't your business. You aren't Rex's parent, they are. You aren't even family.
I haven't said anything except I once asked whether they would ever consider feeding him some meat (the family is vegetarian and Rex seems to eat only fruit.) L got very angry about this suggestion.
I'd be pretty pissed too. I grew up vegetarian and still am. I was a notoriously picky eater and pretty much subsisted on fruit and rice and nuts and raw veg. You aren't there 24/7 and you don't have any idea what their kid eats. You aren't the kid's doctor either.
It sounds like you're looking for ways to attach yourself deeply into this family. They don't want your help parenting their kid.
posted by discopolo at 11:00 PM on November 1, 2014 [10 favorites]
I haven't said anything except I once asked whether they would ever consider feeding him some meat (the family is vegetarian and Rex seems to eat only fruit.) L got very angry about this suggestion.
I'd be pretty pissed too. I grew up vegetarian and still am. I was a notoriously picky eater and pretty much subsisted on fruit and rice and nuts and raw veg. You aren't there 24/7 and you don't have any idea what their kid eats. You aren't the kid's doctor either.
It sounds like you're looking for ways to attach yourself deeply into this family. They don't want your help parenting their kid.
posted by discopolo at 11:00 PM on November 1, 2014 [10 favorites]
The way you describe this sounds like a fairly young child, as you're speaking about eating fruit and whether the kid is speaking. And if he is a toddler, then the behavior you're worrying about really doesn't sound that strange - throwing things, not making eye contact or screeching are things little kids do sometimes. I get that the behavior you're witnessing is more pronounced and you feel like something more is going on, but autism is a subjective, nuanced diagnosis even for an expert. For an untrained friend, and especially for a bunch of strangers on the internet, there's no way to reach an accurate conclusion.
except I once asked whether they would ever consider feeding him some meat (the family is vegetarian
Do you know their philosophy regarding meat-eating? Did you approach the question with respect for that? There's a sense in which it almost feels like you're the one with the social deficit...
posted by mdn at 11:19 PM on November 1, 2014 [7 favorites]
except I once asked whether they would ever consider feeding him some meat (the family is vegetarian
Do you know their philosophy regarding meat-eating? Did you approach the question with respect for that? There's a sense in which it almost feels like you're the one with the social deficit...
posted by mdn at 11:19 PM on November 1, 2014 [7 favorites]
Do you have kids? People who have kids are constantly, constantly comparing their kid to other kids and wondering whether their kid is normal and what they can do to help their kid. Think that they don't notice the difference between Rex and other kids his age? They KNOW.
You can offer to do things to help them get out of the house more or to help them out in other ways, if you want to, but I wouldn't recommend making suggestions that sound like you're implying you know how to fix what's wrong with their kid when they haven't asked for your help or expressed concern that there is a problem - that will come off as insulting. If you mentioned giving Rex some meat in the context of implying that him not eating an appropriate diet (in your mind) might be related to his behavioral issues, it's no wonder that they got mad.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:21 PM on November 1, 2014 [7 favorites]
You can offer to do things to help them get out of the house more or to help them out in other ways, if you want to, but I wouldn't recommend making suggestions that sound like you're implying you know how to fix what's wrong with their kid when they haven't asked for your help or expressed concern that there is a problem - that will come off as insulting. If you mentioned giving Rex some meat in the context of implying that him not eating an appropriate diet (in your mind) might be related to his behavioral issues, it's no wonder that they got mad.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:21 PM on November 1, 2014 [7 favorites]
If this is, like, an older kid, especially if they're homeschooling or something, this may no longer apply, but this still sounds much like a toddler, so.
You are a person presumably without kids or you would have made some comparisons, possibly single, and you have these close friends who are now partnered and have a small child, and you guys used to do a lot of stuff together, and now you don't. In the early infant period, there's a temptation to think, oh, hey, things aren't going to change, this is going to be okay, because the kid is portable and generally doesn't require care that seriously distracts from socializing. Maybe you stay in instead of going out, but you can still hang out in the same way.
The toddler years can change that a lot. I lost a best friend to this, and it still pains me. Her kids are fine. But she could no longer juggle both friends and kids. The result was that we ended up spending more and more time talking about the kids--at which point it was hard not to have opinions on stuff because it's not like we had anything else to talk about. Anon, this is the point to go make other friends. You can't keep getting more and more invested in this situation because it isn't really your social life; it's their family life, it just took the place of your social life at some point. Not that you need to cut these friends off, but scale it back to where, if you guys get together, it's infrequent enough to be potentially worth a sitter.
And maybe that doesn't even happen for a couple more years. It sucks. It really does. But you're getting invested in all of this at a level where they have made it clear that your investment is not welcome. They don't want to hear what you think of Rex's behavior and diet. Maybe you'd make better decisions here than they're making, but that doesn't matter. Until he gets old enough where this gets to actual actionable abuse--at which point, yes, pediatricians or teachers should have drawn attention to the issues--then you don't get to make these calls because this isn't your kid. And the only way out of sitting around comparing their parenting choices to the ones you'd make is to get out of there and stop spending all your energy on their family dynamic. It's the worst spectator sport ever.
posted by Sequence at 11:34 PM on November 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
You are a person presumably without kids or you would have made some comparisons, possibly single, and you have these close friends who are now partnered and have a small child, and you guys used to do a lot of stuff together, and now you don't. In the early infant period, there's a temptation to think, oh, hey, things aren't going to change, this is going to be okay, because the kid is portable and generally doesn't require care that seriously distracts from socializing. Maybe you stay in instead of going out, but you can still hang out in the same way.
The toddler years can change that a lot. I lost a best friend to this, and it still pains me. Her kids are fine. But she could no longer juggle both friends and kids. The result was that we ended up spending more and more time talking about the kids--at which point it was hard not to have opinions on stuff because it's not like we had anything else to talk about. Anon, this is the point to go make other friends. You can't keep getting more and more invested in this situation because it isn't really your social life; it's their family life, it just took the place of your social life at some point. Not that you need to cut these friends off, but scale it back to where, if you guys get together, it's infrequent enough to be potentially worth a sitter.
And maybe that doesn't even happen for a couple more years. It sucks. It really does. But you're getting invested in all of this at a level where they have made it clear that your investment is not welcome. They don't want to hear what you think of Rex's behavior and diet. Maybe you'd make better decisions here than they're making, but that doesn't matter. Until he gets old enough where this gets to actual actionable abuse--at which point, yes, pediatricians or teachers should have drawn attention to the issues--then you don't get to make these calls because this isn't your kid. And the only way out of sitting around comparing their parenting choices to the ones you'd make is to get out of there and stop spending all your energy on their family dynamic. It's the worst spectator sport ever.
posted by Sequence at 11:34 PM on November 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
Every parent gets a whole lot of criticism/advice/other input on their parenting from a whole lot of sources, some tactful and some not.
Whatever you're seeing in this kid, someone else will see too. If the kid's issues are as evident as you say, there's no way it will go un-remarked upon. Why not let someone else be the buttinsky?
Being a caring friend in this instance means (to me) keeping your mouth shut unless you're directly asked, then answering with carefully chosen and kind words.
posted by jessicapierce at 11:45 PM on November 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Whatever you're seeing in this kid, someone else will see too. If the kid's issues are as evident as you say, there's no way it will go un-remarked upon. Why not let someone else be the buttinsky?
Being a caring friend in this instance means (to me) keeping your mouth shut unless you're directly asked, then answering with carefully chosen and kind words.
posted by jessicapierce at 11:45 PM on November 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
The signs you describe are pretty classic for autism, and I think you should say something.
My business partner and I noticed very similar things about one of her grand nephews when he was about two, and we even put together a little case with links and sent it to the kid's grandmother, and she said she'd talked to her son and his wife about it, they had the boy evaluated, and he was fine.
But she didn't actually breathe a word, and when the kid went to preschool at 4, he ended up getting a diagnosis of moderately severe autism, and every doctor and therapist they talked to said he would have been helped a lot by earlier intervention.
Now my partner and her sister are barely on speaking terms, the sister denies up and down that we ever said anything to her in the first place despite documentation, and lives in terror that my partner will expose her failure to act to her son and daughter-in-law.
It is an ugly, ugly mess.
I think you will lose your friendship with the parents whether you say anything or not, but you might do this kid a tremendous favor if you do.
posted by jamjam at 12:37 AM on November 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
My business partner and I noticed very similar things about one of her grand nephews when he was about two, and we even put together a little case with links and sent it to the kid's grandmother, and she said she'd talked to her son and his wife about it, they had the boy evaluated, and he was fine.
But she didn't actually breathe a word, and when the kid went to preschool at 4, he ended up getting a diagnosis of moderately severe autism, and every doctor and therapist they talked to said he would have been helped a lot by earlier intervention.
Now my partner and her sister are barely on speaking terms, the sister denies up and down that we ever said anything to her in the first place despite documentation, and lives in terror that my partner will expose her failure to act to her son and daughter-in-law.
It is an ugly, ugly mess.
I think you will lose your friendship with the parents whether you say anything or not, but you might do this kid a tremendous favor if you do.
posted by jamjam at 12:37 AM on November 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Friend, as a parent let me tell you that every man and his goddamn dog have an opinion about how I should be raising my kids. And I can tell you as a parent - and parents all over will confirm this for you - regardless of how well-intentioned the advice nothing nothing shits a parent off more than when some random bastard with a very limited insight into the hustle and bustle of your private family decides to give you some helpful "advice" about how you are parenting wrong and/or fucking up your child in what are invariably stressful moments on a stressful topic.
The chances of these random people having anything original or useful to offer is about as common as a Sumatran tiger; the chances of a stressed out, defensive and sensitive parent being able to absorb the so-called wisdom, are the chances of me, personally, being able to ride said tiger in a race.
The fact that your one approach to dealing with potential autism was to suggest eating meat (what?), a belief that's obviously very important to the parents, suggests to me that you lack, however well intentioned, the social finesse to have this conversation productively, and that they lack the open-mindedness to listen to what you're saying.
If you think they are harming the child, go through the proper channels. As frustrating, as painful, as saddening as it may be, everything and anything else is for the parent to decide. And there are very, very few parents that would welcome your interference - x10 if you don't have kids yourself. Jamjam's story, though urging you to say something, illustrates how well this shit can go down - which is to say not very.
The kid may have autism, the kid may be a typical toddler, the kid may be an atypical toddler who doesn't have autism; you've got to let the parents nut that one out, homes, that's the society we live in currently.
posted by smoke at 1:53 AM on November 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
The chances of these random people having anything original or useful to offer is about as common as a Sumatran tiger; the chances of a stressed out, defensive and sensitive parent being able to absorb the so-called wisdom, are the chances of me, personally, being able to ride said tiger in a race.
The fact that your one approach to dealing with potential autism was to suggest eating meat (what?), a belief that's obviously very important to the parents, suggests to me that you lack, however well intentioned, the social finesse to have this conversation productively, and that they lack the open-mindedness to listen to what you're saying.
If you think they are harming the child, go through the proper channels. As frustrating, as painful, as saddening as it may be, everything and anything else is for the parent to decide. And there are very, very few parents that would welcome your interference - x10 if you don't have kids yourself. Jamjam's story, though urging you to say something, illustrates how well this shit can go down - which is to say not very.
The kid may have autism, the kid may be a typical toddler, the kid may be an atypical toddler who doesn't have autism; you've got to let the parents nut that one out, homes, that's the society we live in currently.
posted by smoke at 1:53 AM on November 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
Assuming the kid is 2-3, this isn't necessqrily outside of normal range. And while some people have great success with early intervention for autism, it has not been helpful for the vast majority of people I know whose kids received it, so it's not like they're necessarily losing their best opportunity to improve his life long term.
The only thing I would consider suggesting, if the kid is still not speaking, is sign language. His behaviors could be frustration with being unable to communicate what he wants. Life with my kids got dramatically better when they learned signs, and they only knew two! ("More" is a game changer.) If this is appropriate, I would mention it by saying you heard of this thing and it sounded really cool, without bringing in what you see as the child's problems into it.
posted by metasarah at 4:47 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
The only thing I would consider suggesting, if the kid is still not speaking, is sign language. His behaviors could be frustration with being unable to communicate what he wants. Life with my kids got dramatically better when they learned signs, and they only knew two! ("More" is a game changer.) If this is appropriate, I would mention it by saying you heard of this thing and it sounded really cool, without bringing in what you see as the child's problems into it.
posted by metasarah at 4:47 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
It does sound like you are uncomfortable around Rex and with changes that have happened to your relationship with his parents. If you have an awkward moment with him you could say, "How could I have handled that better?" later when he is out of earshot. If that makes his parents want to open up about what it going on, fine but they don't need you quizzing them about it. I think if you are going to be friends with these people and spend time in their home, the best thing you can do is get more comfortable.
I am not coming from a perspective that you should never, never intervene in someone else's parenting. In my group of friends there's been an ongoing concern about one of the couples for the opposite reason-- they seem to have pathologized a lot of their kids' behavior that looks normal to those of us who have kids. For instance, we all went on a week-long vacation and the mother kept talking about how impossible the kids were being and no one saw any indication of that, zero. It got to the point where finally, one friend who is a therapist expressed concern about the amount of medications the kids seemed to be on. Let's just say it did not go over well, especially with one of the parents, but it seemed to plant a seed with the other. I think saying something was right, but that was an extreme example.
posted by BibiRose at 5:57 AM on November 2, 2014
I am not coming from a perspective that you should never, never intervene in someone else's parenting. In my group of friends there's been an ongoing concern about one of the couples for the opposite reason-- they seem to have pathologized a lot of their kids' behavior that looks normal to those of us who have kids. For instance, we all went on a week-long vacation and the mother kept talking about how impossible the kids were being and no one saw any indication of that, zero. It got to the point where finally, one friend who is a therapist expressed concern about the amount of medications the kids seemed to be on. Let's just say it did not go over well, especially with one of the parents, but it seemed to plant a seed with the other. I think saying something was right, but that was an extreme example.
posted by BibiRose at 5:57 AM on November 2, 2014
If your only qualification for diagnosing autism in a child is that you're friends with the parents, then you need to keep your (unqualified) opinions to yourself, and your (unwanted) views private.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:45 AM on November 2, 2014
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:45 AM on November 2, 2014
While I definitely don't think you should be offering parenting tips, I am going to adamantly disagree with some above posters. Including disagreeing with treehorn+bunny for the first time in my life.
I worked in a daycare where a child with severe Kanners Syndrome* style autism was in my class for awhile. The mom was in total denial. There were no borderline-maybe-this-is-normal issues with this child. All of his symptoms she explained away as if they occurred in isolation and she looked desperately for anything to prove to herself he was "normal". I'll never forget her showing me a sheet of paper with a crayon scrawl and her heartbreaking explanation that he was precociously writing the letter K in cursive because it was his middle initial.
It's true she was comparing her child to others. But she was doing it in the most denial fueled way imaginable.
With that said, your friend's child is going to a pediatrician. This is covered. It's not your job. I think you should be supportive in any way that's not directive. Meaning, offer to babysit so they can go out; don't tell them what their family should eat.
*I do have the qualifications to make this diagnosis; this was many years (so several DSM versions) ago.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:22 AM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I worked in a daycare where a child with severe Kanners Syndrome* style autism was in my class for awhile. The mom was in total denial. There were no borderline-maybe-this-is-normal issues with this child. All of his symptoms she explained away as if they occurred in isolation and she looked desperately for anything to prove to herself he was "normal". I'll never forget her showing me a sheet of paper with a crayon scrawl and her heartbreaking explanation that he was precociously writing the letter K in cursive because it was his middle initial.
It's true she was comparing her child to others. But she was doing it in the most denial fueled way imaginable.
With that said, your friend's child is going to a pediatrician. This is covered. It's not your job. I think you should be supportive in any way that's not directive. Meaning, offer to babysit so they can go out; don't tell them what their family should eat.
*I do have the qualifications to make this diagnosis; this was many years (so several DSM versions) ago.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:22 AM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
You were out of line suggesting that vegetarians feed their child meat. Offering your unqualified diagnosis of their kid (toddler?) is so beyond out of line. Please don't do this.
I agree with others here that it seems like you don't really dig the kid and perhaps resent the change he's brought to your friendship with the parents. That's totally understandable. But you've got to get ahold of these feelings and tread more lightly if you want to preserve the friendship.
The way to help them in this case is to be the sort of person they would confide in if there were a problem. A person who appears uncomfortable around their kid and holds forth on topics they know nothing about (please explain to me how chicken nuggets would make a child LESS shrieky) is not on their team. Be on their team.
It's annoying how everyone is an autism expert these days. Unless you failed to mention your medical degree, you should really leave this to the professionals. I'm not saying you're wrong, but offering this diagnosis will only make them feel judged and they'll possibly retreat from the friendship indefinitely.
posted by kapers at 7:48 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I agree with others here that it seems like you don't really dig the kid and perhaps resent the change he's brought to your friendship with the parents. That's totally understandable. But you've got to get ahold of these feelings and tread more lightly if you want to preserve the friendship.
The way to help them in this case is to be the sort of person they would confide in if there were a problem. A person who appears uncomfortable around their kid and holds forth on topics they know nothing about (please explain to me how chicken nuggets would make a child LESS shrieky) is not on their team. Be on their team.
It's annoying how everyone is an autism expert these days. Unless you failed to mention your medical degree, you should really leave this to the professionals. I'm not saying you're wrong, but offering this diagnosis will only make them feel judged and they'll possibly retreat from the friendship indefinitely.
posted by kapers at 7:48 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's also possible that Rex has already been diagnosed with something and is getting help for his issues, if indeed he has any. Maybe his parents aren't ready to share it or talk about it with you. From the perspective of a parent of a special needs child, this is what I most appreciate in my friends:
Talk to Rex as you would any child, and interact with him on whatever level he's able. Look at what he's interested in and ask questions about it, even if he can't answer them. "Oh cool, the dinosaur is blue, what's his name? Let's call him George." Just try to be with him at wherever he's at .. and find something positive to say about him to his parents. Even if it's "wow he's getting so tall and handsome" or "I love how involved he is with his dinosaurs, can I give him this sticker book?" When he gets rowdy or difficult, just do your best to take it in stride.
Be an accepting friend who isn't thrown by this kid's oddness if you want to keep your friendship with his parents. It sounds like they need this right now.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:59 AM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
Talk to Rex as you would any child, and interact with him on whatever level he's able. Look at what he's interested in and ask questions about it, even if he can't answer them. "Oh cool, the dinosaur is blue, what's his name? Let's call him George." Just try to be with him at wherever he's at .. and find something positive to say about him to his parents. Even if it's "wow he's getting so tall and handsome" or "I love how involved he is with his dinosaurs, can I give him this sticker book?" When he gets rowdy or difficult, just do your best to take it in stride.
Be an accepting friend who isn't thrown by this kid's oddness if you want to keep your friendship with his parents. It sounds like they need this right now.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:59 AM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
And when I ask how Rex is doing, T says, "Great!" T did once indicate they were worried when he wasn't saying words, but also mentioned that was common in her family.
Just because your friends don't acknowledge this behavior with you that doesn't mean that they are actually in denial or that they are not actively working with various professionals to address the things you mention. Maybe they just don't want to talk about it with you or anyone else outside the family. Or maybe they look at their time spent with you as a break and want to relax.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:58 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just because your friends don't acknowledge this behavior with you that doesn't mean that they are actually in denial or that they are not actively working with various professionals to address the things you mention. Maybe they just don't want to talk about it with you or anyone else outside the family. Or maybe they look at their time spent with you as a break and want to relax.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:58 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm sympathetic to you. It sounds like you want to help and from the description you gave I can see why you'd be concerned. But here's the thing: either you are seeing something that is there, which they are in denial of; or you are seeing something which is not there. In the second case, if you say something, they will probably never forgive you. And in the first case... if you are right and they are in denial, then they apparently do not want to think about this, and will be unlikely to forgive you if you bring it up anyway.
My advice would be different if you were the kid's aunt or grandmother - in that case I would see some duty to ask if the kid's behavior has been evaluated, and suggest that it be if it hasn't been. But as it is... I doubt that, even if you are right, you are in a position to advise.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:14 PM on November 2, 2014
My advice would be different if you were the kid's aunt or grandmother - in that case I would see some duty to ask if the kid's behavior has been evaluated, and suggest that it be if it hasn't been. But as it is... I doubt that, even if you are right, you are in a position to advise.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:14 PM on November 2, 2014
They have a saying, "Diagnosed by two years old, cured by five."
No, that's not a saying and it would be a heartbreaking thing to say to parents of children with special needs; please don't let that stress you out. Early intervention is great, but it's not your place to suggest it.
I've been in the same boat but really, there's nothing you can do to get people to bring their children to see experts. The best I ever could come up with was saying "Wow, your son reminds me of my son at that age, my son who has autism, yup yup yup" (albeit slightly more subtly), but since you don't even have that much to point to, you should accept that it's not your job and you don't have all the information.
Just keep on being friends, and try to appreciate Rex for the person he is.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:47 PM on November 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
No, that's not a saying and it would be a heartbreaking thing to say to parents of children with special needs; please don't let that stress you out. Early intervention is great, but it's not your place to suggest it.
I've been in the same boat but really, there's nothing you can do to get people to bring their children to see experts. The best I ever could come up with was saying "Wow, your son reminds me of my son at that age, my son who has autism, yup yup yup" (albeit slightly more subtly), but since you don't even have that much to point to, you should accept that it's not your job and you don't have all the information.
Just keep on being friends, and try to appreciate Rex for the person he is.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:47 PM on November 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
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posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:10 PM on November 1, 2014 [2 favorites]